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Friday Yuk

By jardinier ·
Yes it's Friday in Sydney.

Some of you may have encountered these previously, but they crack me up.


A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκ?α", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis. Here are some examples:

? I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

? Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

? I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

? Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

? The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

? Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

? If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

? We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

? War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

? Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

? The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

o Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

? To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

? A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

? How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

? Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

? Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

? I thought I wanted a career, but as it turns out I just wanted pay checks.

? A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

? Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

? I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

? Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

? A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

? You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

? The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

? Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

? A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to **** in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

? Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

? Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

? Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

? I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

? I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

? When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

? You're never too old to learn something stupid.

? To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

? Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

? Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

? A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

? Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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Great Truths That People Learn

by jardinier In reply to Friday Yuk

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNE

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at
the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE
LEARNE

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside..
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OL

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

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Bob the Chicken

by GSG In reply to Friday Yuk

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'
Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster.
'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"BOB, wake up! You sh|t the bed!"

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Oh, Jesus

by santeewelding In reply to Bob the Chicken

Long as I've been around, that's the first I heard that one !

Good.

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ditto

by PurpleSkys In reply to Bob the Chicken

can't say as i've heard that one either...but it sure made me giggle this early

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One thing to be thankful for

by NickNielsen In reply to Friday Yuk

The time we waste doesn't got to waist.

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The Farmer

by PurpleSkys In reply to Friday Yuk

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson .

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor".

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Anybody have any screen wipes?

by GSG In reply to The Farmer

I'm slow this morning and didn't see that one coming.

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hehe

by PurpleSkys In reply to Anybody have any screen w ...

good...it worked :)

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