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Friday Yuk

By jzsdii ·
Ok slowpokes, let's get it started.

Some mistakes are too much fum to make only once.

I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent.

A coffee fiend at work had a sweatshirt that read, " Add coffee for instant human".

In a supermarket, someone had a shirt that read, "I didn't cimb all the way to the top of the food chain just to become a vegetarian!"

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Things actually said in court, word for word...

by stargazerr In reply to Friday Yuk

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!i
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cow-shed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did.(Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his *****.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George"

]:)

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Thanks!!!

by gary.cole In reply to Things actually said in c ...

Thanks for this...haven't laughed so much for ages!!! Well done!

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By the Way Mr. jzsdii

by stargazerr In reply to Friday Yuk

Friday Yuks are not supposed to be posted under Network Administration. They belong to the Miscellaneous section.

]:)

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And the Farmer Says

by BFilmFan In reply to Friday Yuk

A farmer's wife is watching TV in her bedroom when her husband comes in carrying a sheep under his arm.

She looks up and he says, "See here? This is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache."

And the woman says, "You stupid man. That is a sheep."

And the farmer says, "Who said I was talking to you?"

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Now that's just going too far!

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to And the Farmer Says

Insulting the Welsh and New Zealand people like that is way above and beyond the call of what is required.

Good thing that you didn't make any mention of Velcro Gloves and red Paint for those that kick, and how the Welsh and Kiwis use their Wellington Boots to prevent the sheep from kicking. :)

Anyway keeping with the theme of knocking the Welsh and Kiwis

what has 6 legs and tears around a paddock in circles?
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Answer A Ram doing a Ewee.

Col ]:)

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Careful

by jdclyde In reply to And the Farmer Says

don't want to give MARK any ideas!

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Unfair Foul and whatever else

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk

When I post a Friday Yuk I constantly get into trouble because it's way too early. Being +10 hours on GMT sort of gives me a head start on the rest of you lot and you all complain so I've stopped starting off Friday yuks.

Also if this was under the Miscellaneous it most likely would have got more hits as no one looks under Network Admin for the Friday Yuk I only got to see it because it was listed in the New Discussions on the right hand side of the Discussion Page. :)

Or have I messed up again and posted something a day early?

I know that this box is insisting that it's 11.22 PM Friday 10 February 2006 but it's a XP box and you can never trust any Windows Computer to tell you the truth, I'll have to have a look on my Debian NB just to make sure that I'm not a day ahead of myself again.

Col ]:)

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Well, when I first saw

by Jaqui In reply to Unfair Foul and whatever ...

this yuk, only the first post was here, and it was still thursday. 23:35 hours

since my local time is server time as well, this should have been called the THURSDAY yuk.

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I thought you were talking about Mae's aunt

by M_a_r_k In reply to Unfair Foul and whatever ...

I temporarily forgot how to spell fowl (as in a bird)
http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=8&threadID=189529&messageID=1947913

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Mark

by maecuff In reply to I thought you were talkin ...

You insensitive b*stard. That isn't funny. She's dead.

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