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IF MEN WROTE ADVICE COLUMNS

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of you old college room-mates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you?re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. ***** can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it?s a great time to clean the house too!). Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn?t know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I?m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you?ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

Scotch and Water

This story is for Senior Citizens. If you don't yet qualify,
save a copy till you do.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch
with two drops of water.
The bartender gives her the drink, and she says, "I'm on this
cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one
is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
"I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The woman says, "Thank you, how sweet of you.
OK then, Bartender, I want a Scotch
with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
"I would like to buy you a drink too."
The woman says, "Thank you very much my dear.
Bartender, I'll have another Scotch
with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink this time, he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"


The old woman giggles and replies,
"Sonny, when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Water, however, is a whole other issue!"

**************************************************
Mary the Mental Patient Saves Jim - Sort of!


Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her
to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able
to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained
your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself
with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

**************************************************
Computer Proverbs


* Home is where you hang your @.

* The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

* You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

* C: is the root of all directories.

* Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

* Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

* The modem is the message.

* Too many clicks spoil the browse.

* The geek shall inherit the earth.

* A chat has nine lives.

* Don't byte off more than you can view.

* Fax is stranger than fiction.

* What boots up must come down.

* Windows will never cease.

* Virtual reality is its own reward.

* Modulation in all things.

* A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

* Know what to expect before you connect.

* Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

* Speed thrills.

* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the
Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

**************************************************
Frenchisms!

?I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French
one behind me.?
General George S. Patton.

?Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion.?
Norman Schwartzkopf.

?We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about
it.?
Marge Simpson

?As far as I?m concerned, war always means failure?
Jacques Chirac, President of France

?As far as France is concerned, you?re right.?
Rush Limbaugh,

?The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army
is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.?
Regis Philbin.

?The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any
better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore.

True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee,
but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large
glasses
of whisky I don?t know.?
P.J O?Rourke (1989).

?You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of
the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn?t
have the face for it.?
John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.

?You know why the French don?t want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He
is French, people!?
Conan O?Brien

?I don?t know why people are surprised that France won?t help us get
Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn?t help us get Hitler
out of France either?
Jay Leno.

?The last time the French asked for ?more proof? it came marching
into Paris under a German flag.?
David Letterman

Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in
Canada.
Ted Nugent.

War without France would be like ? uh ? World War II.
The favorite bumper sticker in Washington now is one that says
?First Iraq, then France.??
Tom Brokaw.

?What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of
its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the
Nazis??
Dennis Miller.

?It is important to remember that the French have always been there
when they needed us.?
Alan Kent

?They?ve taken their own precautions against al-Qa?ida. To prepare
for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white
flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.?
Argus Hamilton

?Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being
advertised on eBay the other day ? the description was, ?Never shot.
Dropped once.??

Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)

?The French will only agree to go to war when we?ve proven we?ve
found truffles in Iraq.?

Dennis Miller

Raise your right hand if you like the French ? raise both hands if
you
are French.

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they
entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m?sieur?

?Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It?s not
known, it?s never been tried.?

Rep. R. Blount (MO)

?Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in
WWII? And that?s because it was raining.?

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after
the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from
Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and
Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a
recent fire which destroyed France?s white flag factory, effectively
disabling
their military.

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on
the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.

The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the
park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at
a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech
tourists.

America = Arnold Palmer.
France = Jean Van de Velde.

America = Walt ?Clyde? Frazier.
France = Tony Parker.

America = John McEnroe.
France = Yannick Noah.

America = U.S.S. Nimitz.
France = The Charles de Gaulle.

America = Sex with your wife.
France = Sex with your boyfriend?s girlfriend.

America = Stoli with a beer chaser.
France = Grey Goose mixed with granapplestraworangeberry.

America = Marshall Plan.
France = Vichy.

If you take your son to his little league baseball game, and then to
A&W for some burgers and root beer, you?re *not* French.

If, however, you take your girlfriend?s lesbian lover out to get her
arm pits shaven and her body pierced, well, you?re a Frenchman,
Chomsky.

**************************************************

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In
the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it
wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I
haven't had the flu all winter.

**************************************************
Road Rage - Women & Why Math is Taught in School

Why Math is taught in School

(Written By A Very Wise Man)

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto
the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out
his window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why I drive 48
miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the
bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be
982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I
figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass
every day. Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life is
dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females
have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female
that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give one the finger? ...... I think not.

*************************************************
Strange 'New Rules'

NEW RULES


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***.
And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's
a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than
a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was
only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to
keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.


New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the
first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.


New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I
just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed
to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know
in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

*************************************************
A limo driver, after getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded
into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), notices that the Pope is
still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please
take your seat so we can leave?

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me
drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! What if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never
gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in
behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to
105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my
God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle,
and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The
Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said
the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger"

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger"

Chief: "Senator?"

Cop: "Bigger"

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's Jesus!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's Jesus?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

**************************************************
THE TOY
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off
the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely
ballistic.

"You impotent *******," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying
to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

**************************************************
Dawg ]:)

Here's my contribution


Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr.Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr.Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr.Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
****
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
****
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
****
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks!
****
Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
****
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
****
Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder.
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
****
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
****
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful... is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure