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Friday Yuk

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Man says to wife ‘I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing’.

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said ‘try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it’s worked for your arse’.

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it’s a real shame cause he’s a really good vet.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading ‘For sale clitoris licking frog’ She goes in and the shopkeeper say’s ‘Bonjour madame’.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I’m never reading again.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco’s, security guard asks her ‘what’s your mum like?’ Little girl replies ‘Big cocks and vodka’.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks ‘Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?’ The waitress leaned over and said …….. ‘Burrr gurrr king’.

Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say’s ‘I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off…..’You better jack off, I’ve got a headache’.

Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

Sorry I haven’t been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis…… he won’t be shagging one of those again!

It’s important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she’s 97 and we don’t know where the hell she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel…. They say it’s only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. Doc say’s ‘that looks nasty’. She say’s ‘Nasty?, it’s just the tip of the iceberg!

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks ‘do you have reservations?’ The bride answers ‘Yes, I won’t take it up the arse’!

Topic

Dear Dorothy Dicks

In reply to Friday Yuk

[I may have used this before, but here goes anyhow]

IF MEN WROTE ADVICE COLUMNS

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of you old college room-mates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you?re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it?s a great time to clean the house too!). Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn?t know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I?m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you?ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

Reply To: Friday Yuk

In reply to Friday Yuk

Scotch and Water

This story is for Senior Citizens. If you don’t yet qualify,
save a copy till you do.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch
with two drops of water.
The bartender gives her the drink, and she says, “I’m on this
cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.”
The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one
is on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
“I would like to buy you a drink, too.”
The woman says, “Thank you, how sweet of you.
OK then, Bartender, I want a Scotch
with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
“I would like to buy you a drink too.”
The woman says, “Thank you very much my dear.
Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch
with two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink this time, he says,
“Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman giggles and replies,
“Sonny, when you’re my age,
you’ve learned how to hold your liquor.
Water, however, is a whole other issue!”

**************************************************
Mary the Mental Patient Saves Jim – Sort of!

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her
to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, “Mary, I have good news & bad
news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you were able
to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained
your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself
with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Mary replied “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.”

**************************************************
Computer Proverbs

* Home is where you hang your @.

* The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

* You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

* C: is the root of all directories.

* Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.

* Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

* The modem is the message.

* Too many clicks spoil the browse.

* The geek shall inherit the earth.

* A chat has nine lives.

* Don’t byte off more than you can view.

* Fax is stranger than fiction.

* What boots up must come down.

* Windows will never cease.

* Virtual reality is its own reward.

* Modulation in all things.

* A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

* Know what to expect before you connect.

* Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

* Speed thrills.

* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the
Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

**************************************************
Frenchisms!

?I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French
one behind me.?
General George S. Patton.

?Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion.?
Norman Schwartzkopf.

?We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about
it.?
Marge Simpson

?As far as I?m concerned, war always means failure?
Jacques Chirac, President of France

?As far as France is concerned, you?re right.?
Rush Limbaugh,

?The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army
is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.?
Regis Philbin.

?The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any
better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore.

True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee,
but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large
glasses
of whisky I don?t know.?
P.J O?Rourke (1989).

?You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of
the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn?t
have the face for it.?
John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.

?You know why the French don?t want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He
is French, people!?
Conan O?Brien

?I don?t know why people are surprised that France won?t help us get
Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn?t help us get Hitler
out of France either?
Jay Leno.

?The last time the French asked for ?more proof? it came marching
into Paris under a German flag.?
David Letterman

Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in
Canada.
Ted Nugent.

War without France would be like ? uh ? World War II.
The favorite bumper sticker in Washington now is one that says
?First Iraq, then France.??
Tom Brokaw.

?What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of
its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the
Nazis??
Dennis Miller.

?It is important to remember that the French have always been there
when they needed us.?
Alan Kent

?They?ve taken their own precautions against al-Qa?ida. To prepare
for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white
flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.?
Argus Hamilton

?Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being
advertised on eBay the other day ? the description was, ?Never shot.
Dropped once.??

Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)

?The French will only agree to go to war when we?ve proven we?ve
found truffles in Iraq.?

Dennis Miller

Raise your right hand if you like the French ? raise both hands if
you
are French.

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they
entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m?sieur?

?Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It?s not
known, it?s never been tried.?

Rep. R. Blount (MO)

?Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in
WWII? And that?s because it was raining.?

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after
the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from
Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and
Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a
recent fire which destroyed France?s white flag factory, effectively
disabling
their military.

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on
the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.

The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the
park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at
a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech
tourists.

America = Arnold Palmer.
France = Jean Van de Velde.

America = Walt ?Clyde? Frazier.
France = Tony Parker.

America = John McEnroe.
France = Yannick Noah.

America = U.S.S. Nimitz.
France = The Charles de Gaulle.

America = Sex with your wife.
France = Sex with your boyfriend?s girlfriend.

America = Stoli with a beer chaser.
France = Grey Goose mixed with granapplestraworangeberry.

America = Marshall Plan.
France = Vichy.

If you take your son to his little league baseball game, and then to
A&W for some burgers and root beer, you?re *not* French.

If, however, you take your girlfriend?s lesbian lover out to get her
arm pits shaven and her body pierced, well, you?re a Frenchman,
Chomsky.

**************************************************

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In
the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.

“Miss Beatrice”, he said. “I wonder if you would tell me about this?”
pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it
wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I
haven’t had the flu all winter.

**************************************************
Road Rage – Women & Why Math is Taught in School

Why Math is taught in School

(Written By A Very Wise Man)

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto
the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out
his window and gave the woman the finger.

“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why I drive 48
miles each way every day to work. That’s 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the
bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be
982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I
figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass
every day. Statistically, females drive half of these.

That’s 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life is
dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females
have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That’s 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female
that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give one the finger? …… I think not.

*************************************************
Strange ‘New Rules’

NEW RULES

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant.
You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s
a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window
unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than
a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was
only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to
keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That’s your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one
NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens.
Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the
first place is the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I
just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed
to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on
your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know
in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a
cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

*************************************************
A limo driver, after getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded
into the limo (and he doesn’t travel light), notices that the Pope is
still standing on the curb.

“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please
take your seat so we can leave?

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me
drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today”

“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that I’d lose my job! What if
something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never
gone to work that morning.

“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in
behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to
105 mph.

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!” pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, my
God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle,
and gets on the radio.

“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The
Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo
going a hundred and five.

“So bust him,” said the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said
the cop.

The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”

Cop: “Bigger”

Chief: “Governor?”

Cop: “Bigger”

Chief: “Senator?”

Cop: “Bigger”

“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”

Cop: “I think it’s Jesus!”

Chief: “What makes you think it’s Jesus?”

Cop: “He’s got the Pope for a limo driver!”

**************************************************
THE TOY
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off
the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down… and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leasure device… a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely
ballistic.

“You impotent bastard,” She screamed at him, “how could you be lying
to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: “I’ll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.”

**************************************************
[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Never seen a friday yuk this early on a friday !!!

In reply to Friday Yuk

Here’s my contribution

Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr.Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr.Bean: Yes of course, do you think I’m dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr.Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
****
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you’ve just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
****
Mr. Bean: I’d like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn’t know the alphabet yet!!
****
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks!
****
Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
****
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it’s a horror film. I didn’t see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
****
Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom’s dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder.
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
****
Colleague: Sorry I’m late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too…I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
****
Mr. Bean’s Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful… is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure

That’s only because you haven’t been a member long enough………………

In reply to Never seen a friday yuk this early on a friday !!!

to be on the recieving end of one of Col’s Friday Yucks. He sends them zinging out on a Wednesday sometimes.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Experience Experience

In reply to That’s only because you haven’t been a member long enough………………

Such an important thing, isnt it?? 😀

nah…

In reply to Experience Experience

an MCSE is apparently worth MORE than 10 years of experience… maybe when I’ve been doing this for 20 years, I’ll know as much as those who’ve taken the Borg’s tests.

I will NOT be bitter.
I will NOT be bitter.
I will NOT be bitter.
I will NOT be bitter.
yada yada yada…

Only Wednesday US Time

In reply to That’s only because you haven’t been a member long enough………………

actually it’s always a late Thursday night my time. :p

Except for that one time when I’d been working for so long nonstop I actually thought I was a day ahead of myself. 🙁 Generally I loose days not catch them up. 🙂

By the way it’s just going on 6.00 PM Saturday when I posted this so I didn’t get a chance to look yesterday but I’ve got a good one that I’m saving to start off next week as I missed this week. 🙁

Col ]:)

“this early on a friday?”

In reply to Never seen a friday yuk this early on a friday !!!

In the part of the world that really counts (Australia) it is already late Friday night.

LOL !!!

In reply to “this early on a friday?”

I spoke without thought …. In UK it was morning….In India (where I am actually from) its afternoon … Damn time differences…

It makes my friends (in India) call me at 4 in the morning and then express wonder as to why I was asleep….:D

Hey! Look!

In reply to LOL !!!

Somebody else has the same trouble with time differences as I have!

Welcome to the Einstein Syndrome Club, sis!

GG

(well known for it on here, constantly befuddled, hence private messages to me normally begin with “it’s morning here” so I know what time they’ve been sent!)

Its Lunch Time here !!!

In reply to Hey! Look!

and its freezing in my part of the world (for now, UK, London) ….

Thanx for the welcome (bows) (ohh, no I should curtsy, I am a girl 😀 )

(scratches head and attempts to figure it out)

It ain’t that warm here!

In reply to Its Lunch Time here !!!

still bits of frost lying around stubbornly!

(UK also, Newcastle Upon Tyne)

Another two hours, it’ll get dark again, and the temperature will drop again.

Oh, the joy of trying NOT to do the Skaters Waltz in the car on the way home………! :p

GG

Now GG

In reply to It ain’t that warm here!

It’s that Black Ice that you get where you are that’s the real killer. :p

I found that one out the hard way and still have the scars to prove it, I just couldn’t understand what happened I was riding along quite happily and then all hell broke loose and God only knows what happened next, it’s been 20 years and I still don’t know what happened but when I did try to stand up and went A over T I realised that all was not as it appeared. And that was when I was on my way to the Isle of Man for the TT’s! 🙂

I don’t know how you lot handle the conditions when it’s really winter, a nice day and I still hit the deck very hard and I’m constantly told that AU has more dangerous creatures per head of population than any other country but at least we don’t have man made obstacles to contend with that try to kill us without warning. :p

Col ]:)

Handling winter conditions

In reply to It ain’t that warm here!

Col, I don’t handle winter conditions at all well. Anyone who knows me knows that I am an accident waiting to happen. If it’s going to happen, it happens to me (don’t mention the words toes and spuds in the same sentence,either!) One snowflake, and I’m on the deck. I can find the only patch of black ice within miles (and have done; narrowly missed a council lorry by millimetres – honestly- and it was a big bugger, too!) I’m the one who stepped off the pavement, onto the road to cross it, and broke my ankle. Not once, but three times.

I just don’t bounce (well, not in my entirity!) I usually break instead. Add to that the fact that this is the longest commute I’ve ever had to do to work, and although I’ve had my drivers licence for 29 years I’ve only actually driven constantly for the last five, and you’ll see where I’m heading,here…….

Straight to Accident and flippin’ Emergency!!! :p 😀

GG

Predominantly for the UK peeps, but a good giggle anyway

In reply to Friday Yuk

I’ve left the link in for those who aren’t familiar with Ronnie Barker – those of us in the UK will really appreciate this one!

(It’s also one helluva way to get past those pesky filters….!!)

No matter where you’re from – enjoy!

As you will know Ronnie Barker
<http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/tv_and_radio/4307216.stm>
died recently. Someone sent me this today and I remembered how Ronnie
was a master of such spoonerisms. This was apparently originally shown
on BBC TV, back in the seventies. Ronnie could say the whole thing
without a snigger. Its a wonder he got away with it but the irony is
that the BBC received no complaints. I think many of the subtleties are
lost in his speed of delivery, its hilarious if you read it closely;

The Story of Rindercella and her Sugly Isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling
shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge,
and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible
huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had
tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let
Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her
name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned
a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy
ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks The gairy fodmother told
Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking
falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. “Mist all chucking frighty!!!” said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping
her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on
Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty
Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. “Who’s fust jarted??”
asked the prandsome hince. “Blame that fugly ucker over there!!” said
Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on
both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and
it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were
married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and
Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

GG

Not Ronnie Barker

In reply to Predominantly for the UK peeps, but a good giggle anyway

This is not a Ronnie Barker sketch- he would not have been so crude. I think it was originally done by an american comedian but I can’t remember the name right now…

Anyway, I hear that Elton John is releasing a tribute song to Ronnie Baker. It’s called ‘Four Candles in the Wind’

Andrew
in a very cold Sligo

Appears to be by Archie Campbell.

In reply to Not Ronnie Barker

Found the person who originally did this, he was an American comic called Archie Campbell. Apparently appeared in an American Country and Western series called Hee Haw

well, as long as he didn’t

In reply to Appears to be by Archie Campbell.

mix up his Hee Haw with his Fork Handles and his ‘ose……!!

😀

GG

I love the Two Ronnies !

In reply to Predominantly for the UK peeps, but a good giggle anyway

But I have to run,

so it’s goodnight from me….and it’s goodnight from him.

I don’t know

In reply to Friday Yuk

If I’m appalled by these jokes, or appalled because I laughed at them…

My husband is right. I give him grief for being so crude and he tells me that I’m just as crude as he is, I just hide it better.

ah, you forgot, Mae….

In reply to I don’t know

it’s double standards for us, single standards for them!

(We have to keep them thinking that we ARE really LADIES after all!)

GG

Damn

In reply to ah, you forgot, Mae….

I keep forgetting that. Now, GG, don’t forget to sit like a lady today.

Don’t forget to…

In reply to Damn

oh, sorry, misread that.

You did say sit, after all.

Yus’m, sitting with back straight, tummy in, shoulders back, flexing the kegels intermittently…

(that should get them going….!) ]:)

GG

I usually

In reply to Don’t forget to…

sit in my chair with my legs folded indian style. It makes the days when I wear a skirt more interesting…

Mae, GG

In reply to I usually

I’ve just discovered the crude banter isn’t nearly as offensive to me when it’s between two women. My ears aren’t red at all.

Staying tuned…..!

Crude banter

In reply to Mae, GG

regardless of gender, rarely offends me. Of course, I live with a true vulgarian and he’s pretty much drummed it out of me..

oh dear

In reply to Mae, GG

Mae, I think I’m losing my touch, if you pardon the pun…..

I mentioned kegels, no-one jumped on the bandwagon and even DM didn’t blush….

Waaagh! My life is over!!!!

🙁

GG

Mae

In reply to Damn

That would be passed out at the foot of a bar stool with your legs wide apart and no knickers on right?

Col ]:)

Nope…

In reply to Mae

Never been in that particular position. The worse thing that has ever happened was a ‘wardrobe malfunction’ in front of quite a few people at a party..

Believe it or not Mae

In reply to Nope…

But I’m way to polite to ask what you mean. :^O

Col ]:)

I had the same issue

In reply to Believe it or not Mae

That Janet Jackson had at the superbowl.

Well at least

In reply to Believe it or not Mae

You didn’t have the [b]Moral Minority[/b] howling for your blood over something as inoffensive as an incident like that did you? B-)

People who rant and rave over incidents like that I find are good for a laugh I just don’t like the way that the media jumps on the bandwagon and acts Holier than Thou when things like that happen. They act as if they are outraged but allow a lot of column space for the pictures don’t they? 😀

Col ]:)

Mae, you just gave me a blast from the past!

In reply to Nope…

with your wardrobe malfunction…..

Mine was when skirts with side splits were all the rage….. Maxi length silk skirt, with thigh high split, and this idiot wore stillettos…which skidded on the dance floor, I (trying to maintain modesty) fell sideways, onto the heel of the shoe which had then broken off… and the side split? Turned into a waist split…..spent the rest of the evening with someone’s fancy cardi tied round my waist whilst dancing barefoot….!

oh, the good old days……..!

😀

GG

Reply To: Friday Yuk

In reply to I don’t know

Thank God Its Friday..
The Ronnie B. was/is priceless bit like “fork handles”.

Anyway as we are all so busy have a good weekend.

And yes its B Cold here.

so…….

In reply to Reply To: Friday Yuk

you didn’t want any ‘ose, then?

😀

(cold? are you UK too?)

GG

UK UK UK !!! (shaking head disbelievingly)

In reply to so…….

I practically have to unfreeze myself from my bike each morning …

response from the Smithsonian

In reply to Friday Yuk

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
Anyway…here’s the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.
____________________________________________________

Smithsonian Institute
7 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Mr. Williams:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post…Hominid skull.” We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be “Malibu Barbie.” It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent
with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous
man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous metal in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the
deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator- Antiquities

Things to ponder…

In reply to Friday Yuk

1. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
2. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
3. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
4. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?!”
5. My Reality Check bounced.
6. He who has, so shall he who. – Old Norwegian Proverb
7. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
8. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
9. Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.
10. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
11. God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
12. I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving.
13. Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t it get us out?
14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
15. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
16. I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
17. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
18. If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
19. I don’t get even, I get odder.
20. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
21. I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.
22. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
23. Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
24. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
25. I am having an out of money experience.
26. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
27. Not afraid of heights – afraid of widths.
28. Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
29. A day without sunshine is like night.
30. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
31. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

I especially liked #’s 3 and 8

In reply to Things to ponder…

#3 is worth making into a poster to hang on the wall of my office.

#8 goes without saying, that we all can think of something that would be better for having been blown up.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

finish #1 off..

In reply to Things to ponder…

yesterday, you were the statue, today you are the statue, and it looks like tomorrow is going to be the same.

Crazy thing kids do

In reply to Friday Yuk

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

“I thought I told you to call your mom!” she said.

“I did,” he said, “And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.”

I have 2 hour and 32 minutes

In reply to Friday Yuk

Until I’m off for 9 days. I want to leave NOW. I wish y’all would post some new jokes so that I can be entertained while I skate along for the rest of the day…

Things You Won’t See On Hallmark Cards

In reply to Friday Yuk

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
INSIDE: That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas…
INSIDE: I hope it’s your sister.

OUTSIDE: I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell ’til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help
but wonder…
INSIDE: What the hell was I thinking!

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I’m dreaming, I wish you weren’t so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody’s stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: I’m so miserable without you…
INSIDE: It’s almost like you’re here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend…
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

sonofabitch

In reply to Friday Yuk

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his
church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman
load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would
like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The
fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no.
he baits the hook for him and says, “Give it a shot, father.”

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles
to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, “Whoa, what a big
sonofabitch!”

The priest says, “Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?”
The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), “I’m sorry father,
but that’s what this fish is called—a sonofabitch!”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the priest. “I didn’t know.”

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and
spots the bishop. “Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!”
“Please Father,” says the bishop. “Mind your language, this is
a House of God.”
“No, you don’t understand,” says the Priest. “That’s what this
fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!”
“Hmmm,” says the bishop. “You know, I could clean this
sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner.”

So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to
Mother Superior at the convent.
“Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our
dinner tonight with the Pope?”
“My lord, what language!” says the Mother.
“No, Sister,” says the Bishop. “That’s what the fish is
called—a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and
I’d like you to cook it”
“Hmmm,” replies Mother Superior. “Yes, I’ll cook that sonofabitch
tonight.”

While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that
the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.
“I caught the sonofabitch!” says the priest.
“And I cleaned the sonofabitch!” says the bishop.
“And I cooked the sonofabitch!” says Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but
then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says,
“You know, you f***ers are all right.”

Originally Son of a ….

In reply to sonofabitch

Originally “Son of a ….”

It’s hereditary

In reply to Friday Yuk

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the
inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed
incredibly long, oversized penises.

“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.

“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.

“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for
your elongated penises?”

“No sir, our mother.”

“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!”

“I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “But she only had one arm, and when it
came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”

Martha Stewart’s Tips for Rednecks

In reply to Friday Yuk

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride for longer than 5 seconds can get you shot.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

I have decided

In reply to Friday Yuk

that the “Friday Yuk” gang is the crowd I’d most like to hang out in a bar with. Here is my small contribution.

A woman called in to work and told her boss she was sick. Her boss asked, “What’s wrong?” She replied, I have anal glaucoma.” Alarmed, her boss asked. “What the heck is THAT”? She replied, “I can’t see my butt going in to work today.”

There was a young man from adair
Who made love to a maid on the stair.
On the 23rd stroke, the banister broke…
So he finished her off in mid-air.

Rather corny — I hope it doesn’t give you callouses.

In reply to Friday Yuk

JOBS

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it – mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO, I RETIRED AND I FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

[Author]

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