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Friday Yuk

By Shellbot ·
I've said it before, and will say it again.. You lot are the most humourless bunch... I mean really.. no one starts a Yuk anymore..
here's a start...:


The day Microsoft makes a product that does not suck will be the day they start making vacuum cleaners

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I actually...

by cmiller5400 In reply to Friday Yuk

I actually spit some Coca-Cola out my nose on that one Damn that burns :_|

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Coolness!

by Shellbot In reply to I actually...

Thats a win for me :)

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You should try...

by cmiller5400 In reply to Coolness!

You should try blowing a partially chewed cinnamon Mento's out your nostril. That burns like h3ll more than the Coca-Cola.

PS: Don't ask how I know that. I'm still not even sure how it happened, but I coughed whilst chewing and it somehow got lodged up there in the sinus cavity. {shakes head}

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omg

by Shellbot In reply to You should try...

< gigglefit >

Glad to see I'm not the only person who has "issues" like that :)
]:)

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That's okay... it runs in the family

by cmiller5400 In reply to You should try...

My mother sneezed while chewing spaghetti once and had a noodle hanging out of her nose

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thats...

by Shellbot In reply to That's okay... it runs in ...

sooooooo gross...but hilarious

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Ohio Girls

by GSG In reply to Friday Yuk

THE DIFFERENCE WHEN YOU MARRY AN OHIO GIRL

The first man married a woman from Arkansas . He told her that
she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of
days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes
washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Missouri . He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was
better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ohio . He ordered her to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot
meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day,
some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of
his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a
sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

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Me likey !

by Shellbot In reply to Ohio Girls

rofl @ when he pees

]:)

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'Member of Parliament'

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk

While walking down the street one day a 'Member of Parliament' is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven." Says St.Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." Says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in **** and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven." Says the MP.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to ****. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him.

"Now, it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in **** and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in ****."

So St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to ****.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage...

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand." Stammers the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning...


..today, you voted."

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Warning - Maybe Offensive to some

by Shellbot In reply to 'Member of Parliament'

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d!ck or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a s*x object. Every time you ask for s*x, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings.'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of s*x in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having s*x is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone s*x once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives.

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