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Friday YUK

By patb071 ·
Tags: Off Topic
It has been a long time since there has been one so i will throw out a stupid one.

What do you get when you play country music backwards?

You get your wife back, your dog back, and your truck back.

I know haha not that greatest.

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Return of the YUK

by CharlieSpencer In reply to Friday YUK

It's pointless to give a woman a watch. There's a clock on the microwave.

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Customs declarations

by Slayer_ In reply to Friday YUK

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions," and she gave him the 'hair remover.'

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

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I'm Cured!

by Slayer_ In reply to Friday YUK

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the **** out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."

The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,here's his card, why don't you see him?"

The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.."

"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."

"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house."

So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.

"You *******! I thought you said you were cured!"

"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."

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Ah..the Yuk..just when I needed it.

by maecuff In reply to Friday YUK

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

(Actual writings from hospital charts)

1 . The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. ****** examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

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Office Job Evaluations

by NickNielsen In reply to Friday YUK

The following are excerpts from employee evaluation forms:

1. This person is not really so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't-be.

2. To hear him speak, his accomplishments are so big they can only be compared to that of a black hole in space -- unfortunately, neither have been confirmed to exist.

3. Create a new title to make him feel appreciated, e.g., jester, dunce, former employee, etc.

4. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train just isn't coming.

5. A clock watcher who's in a different time zone than the rest of us.

6. He's so dense, light bends around him.

7. This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better.

8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

9. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking.

10. Is still able to get the job done -- if someone else helps.

11. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

12. Has a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

13. A photographic memory but his lens cover is glued on.

14. Will stick with us until retirement, unless we do something first.

15. If he were any more stupid, we'd be watering him twice a week.

16. Bright as Alaska in December.

17. He's lucky he's not a horse, but still likely to get shot anyway.

18. Since my last evaluation, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

19. A one-cell organism outscored him in IQ tests.

20. This person's work habits gives rise to the argument -- why are we separated by the animals?

21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

22. Fell out of the family tree, most likely on his head.

23. When she opens her mouth, it seems it's only to change whichever foot was previously there.

24. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

25. It's hard to believe he beat out a million other sperm.

26. If brains were taxed, she'd get a large refund.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. Can string two sentences together, but only if she borrows the string.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargles.

31. Wheel is turning, but the hamsters are all dead.

32. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

33. Don't fire him immediately, fire him yesterday.

34. I wouldn't allow this employee to breed.

35. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

36. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

37. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

38. Has committed no major blunders today, that we are know of.

39. A room temperature IQ.

40. Still one step ahead of the law.

41. Has two brains: One is lost, the other is out looking for it.

42. Offers plausible excuses for errors.

43. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

44. Needs more to do. Might I be so bold as to suggest looking for a job.

45. Finds twenty reasons to do anything except original task.

46. Works well, when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

47. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a child.

48. If we keep this person on, stock in liquid paper might be advantageous.

49. It's best for us that this person not work with people.

50. Relative of senior partner. Great performer!

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