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  • #2198843

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by shellbot ·

    Right..whens the last time we had a Yuk?? Get with it people 😀

    The Italian Firefighters……………..

    One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

    When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.”

    But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

    Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

    To everyone ‘s amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

    The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

    A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The ‘on camera’ reporter asked the Italian fire chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

    “Wella,” said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, “de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!

All Comments

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    • #3022344

      Oldie, but good anyways

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

      She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

      She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

      She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

      ‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’

      The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?’ he says solemnly.

      The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

      ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.

      The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

      ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’

      ‘Yes, I remember!’ said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

      The husband continues. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?’

      ‘I remember that too’ she replies softly.

      He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…

      ‘I would have been released today.’

    • #3022265

      That’s funny

      by theprofessordan ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      I think I will tell that joke (though I will clean up the language.)

    • #3022235

      Ah come onnnnnnnnnnn

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      No one has a joke to add??!!

      • #3022234

        wedding white….

        by heml0ck ·

        In reply to Ah come onnnnnnnnnnn

        A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the bride wear white?”

        His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”

        The boys thinks about this, and then says, “Well then why is the groom wearing black…”

    • #3022232

      Discovery of Electricity

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Most folks believe that Ben Franklin discovered electricity with his famous kite experiment.

      Actually, a women made that discovery possible.

      The real story was that Ben Franklin was laying in bed with his wife one night, leaned over and whispered something in her ear.

      She told him to go fly a kite. The rest is history.

    • #3022231

      Male Point System

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      The Male Point System

      In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

      Make the woman happy.

      Do something she likes, and you get points.
      Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.

      You don’t get any points for doing something she expects…Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

      Here’s a guide to the point system.

      Simple Duties:

      You make the bed (+1)
      You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
      You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)

      You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
      You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty (0)
      When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
      When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)

      You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
      But return with beer (-5)

      You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
      You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing (0)
      You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something (+5)
      You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
      It’s her father (-20)

      Social Engagements

      You stay by her side the entire party (0)
      You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
      Named Tiffany (-4)
      Who is a dancer (-6)
      And was Homecoming Queen (-8)

      Her Birthday

      You take her out to dinner (0)
      You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)
      Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
      And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
      It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

      A Night Out with The Boys

      Go out with a pal (-5)
      And the pal is happily married (-4)
      Or frighteningly single (-7)
      And he drives a Lotus (-10)

      A Night Out

      You take her to a movie (+2)
      You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
      You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
      You take her to a movie you like (-2)
      It’s called DeathCop3 (-3))
      You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

      Your Physique

      You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
      You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
      You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
      You say “I don’t care because you have one too” (-800)

      The Big Question

      She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5)
      You hesitate in responding (-10)
      You reply, “Where?” (-35)

      Communication

      When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
      When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
      You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
      She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep (-20)

      • #3022222

        only a -2??

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Male Point System

        When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)

        thats NASTY!!

        • #3022221

          So…

          by jellimonsta ·

          In reply to only a -2??

          it’s only -3 when you resort to the hand towel! :p ;\

        • #3022219

          ah man..

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to So…

          < laughs >

          you’ve done that haven’t you!!!!!!!!!!

          gross..gross…gross….

        • #3022153

          What if …

          by dwdino ·

          In reply to ah man..

          … you turn on the shower?

        • #3022151

          Resort to the hand towel

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to So…

          it’ll be 20 years before you laid again, if you’re lucky.

        • #3022217

          Oh I’ve done that…

          by slayer_ ·

          In reply to only a -2??

          Often actually.

        • #3022213

          LMAO!!!!!

          by jck ·

          In reply to only a -2??

          THAT WAS SO FUNNY!!! -2!!!

    • #3022230

      Ever wonder…..

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      EVER WONDER …

      Why the sun lightens our hair,
      but darkens our skin?

      Why women can’t put on mascara
      with their mouth closed?

      Why don’t you ever see the headline
      ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

      Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

      Why is it that doctors call what
      they do ‘practice’?

      Why is lemon juice made with
      artificial flavor, and dish washing
      liquid made with real lemons?

      Why is the man who invests all
      your money called a broker?

      Why is the time of day with the
      slowest traffic called rush hour?

      Why isn’t there mouse-flavored
      cat food?

      Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

      Why do they sterilize the needle
      for lethal injections?

      You know that indestructible black
      box that is used on airplanes? Why
      don’t they make the whole plane out
      of that stuff?!

      Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

      Why are they called apartments
      when they are all stuck together?

      If con is the opposite of pro, is
      Congress the opposite of progress?

      If flying is so safe, why do they call
      the airport the terminal?

      • #3022223

        hahaha

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Ever wonder…..

        I always wonder why there isn’t mouse flavoured cat food!???

      • #3022149

        Excellent.

        by boxfiddler ·

        In reply to Ever wonder…..

        Thanks~ 😀 😀 😀

      • #2833729

        Why

        by tonythetiger ·

        In reply to Ever wonder…..

        is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

        do we drive on parkways and park in driveways?

        are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

        do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

        does someone believe you when you say there are thirty billion stars in the galaxy, but when you say a park bench has wet paint, they touch it to be sure?

        isn’t ‘phonetically’ spelled that way?

    • #3022214

      I have a riddle!

      by jck ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      What’s slow at dawn
      And fast at dusk
      That’s parts will never
      Age with rust
      That chases birds
      But never shoots
      And never plays
      With drums or flutes.

      ME! Cause I’m leavin work quick, never rush to get here, I don’t rust, I chase birds (fine UK people got that one…hehe), and I play brass, stringed, and keyboard instruments.

      Happy Friday. I’m gettin up outta this BEOOOOOOTCCCCHHHHHH!!! 😀

    • #3022209

      Stuttering Cat Story

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Stuttering Cat Story

      .Definitely a Dog Lovers story???..

      Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

      ?Human beings are the only animals that stutter,? she says.

      A little girl raises her hand. ?I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.?

      The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

      ‘Well’, she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!’

      ‘That must’ve been scary,’ said the teacher.

      ‘It sure was,’ said the little girl.

      ‘My kitty raised her back, went “Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,” but before she could say ‘Frock Off!,’ the Rottweiler ate her!

      The teacher had to leave the room.

    • #3022207

      Aunt Mildred ….

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

      Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

      Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, ‘Your heart would be just below your left breast’.

      Later that night…….. Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee

      • #3022114

        omg..

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Aunt Mildred ….

        too funny!!

        (ah man..thankfully i’ve a loooong way to go to hit 93..and my knees!)

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