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Friday Yuk

By Shellbot ·
Tags: Off Topic
Its Friday you humourless bunch of zombies!!!

Come on, share a joke and some laughter..

Ooohhh this one is "almost" naughty..but not really :)

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the
woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the
beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a
son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker
lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker,
you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies,
'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It
is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pekker into.'

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How do these people survive???

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk

Ok..probably not true..but funny anyways :)

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true..)

I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left..
She had no clue to what had just happened.

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

A mother calls **1 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer....'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

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In a similar vein,

by CharlieSpencer In reply to How do these people survi ...

Girls lost in sewer use cell to update Facebook instead of calling for help:

Multiple reports, but I won't vouch as to their veracity.

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True story...

by TonytheTiger In reply to How do these people survi ...

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)

Back when we still had 5.25 inch floppy drives, a user brought a (music) CD from home, stuck it in the floppy drive, pulled down the lever... CRUNCH!

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That car may open, but it won't start

by DelbertPGH In reply to How do these people survi ...

At least, that's how my Saturn works. If you lock it with the remote, you can still open it with the key and get in, but if you then try to start it, the alarm starts screaming and the starter doesn't turn. You have to then push the "unlock" button on the remote to quiet the alarm.

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Yet another reason I hate auto remotes.

by CharlieSpencer In reply to That car may open, but it ...

I was unaware that my first auto remote not only opened the doors but could also activate an alarm I didn't know the car had. Neither my wife nor I used the remote, but for some reason she put it on her key chain. One day I was using her keys and unknowingly armed the alarm. I soon returned to the car to get my glasses and of course set it off. I had no clue how to disable it and spent at least ten frantic minutes trying unsuccessfully to turn the d@mned thing off. Every time I thought I had it off, it would start wailing again.

A young woman in an adjacent store spent several initially amused then eventually annoyed minutes watching my fumbling. She came out, asked for the keys, and unlocked the door. The alarm stopped it's infernal screeching. I apologized to her and thanked her for her assistance. Upon arriving home, I looked in the manual, disabled the alarm, and stashed the remote neither of us use in the popular kitchen 'junk drawer'.

Both of us are perfectly happy unlocking the doors with the keys, like all good Luddites do.

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by Shellbot In reply to That car may open, but it ...

its a the Yuk..
laugh a little...

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Confucius Says:

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk

Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not
Determine who is right, war determines who is
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.

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This really happened to me

by Kenone In reply to Friday Yuk

I'm sure that it'll be all over the webs in a week.
Got a call about a broken copier.
Arrived to find the employee totally exasperated with the machine.
Problem; The labels are not lining up correctly when she prints them.
I look at the problem and quickly realize that the masters she is using are six across on the sheet of labels and the blanks that she is feeding in are three across. Tried to explain to the user that the machine could not correct for that. Looking at her labels I realized that she was feeding in ten identical pages of labels so I asked her why.
"Because I need ten sheets of these labels"

It took me a while to get my brain back in my head.

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Nerdy Chat Up Lines

by Breezer85 In reply to Friday Yuk

Hello, bored out of my head I've come up with these (sorry if they're already out there)

"Can I put my floppy disk in your drive"
"Do you think I can get my 2048MB into your 1024MB"
"Have you got any Norton Anti-Virus handy"

A bit naff i know, just trying to get things rolling!!!

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le or la?

by LarryD4 In reply to Friday Yuk

Men's Group - la computer

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be female: la computer' because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

Women's Group - la computer

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be male: 'le computer' . Here is the ladies reasoning:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you' d waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

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