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Friday Yuk

By NotSoChiGuy ·
Tags: Off Topic
I didn't see one started, so I decided to give it a go.


A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a
local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation
and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would
erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went
dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I
please use the restroom?'

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you
that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing
only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,'
said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the
restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the
whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun
a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't
understand. Why did they applaud for me just because
I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the
bartender. 'Would you like a drink?' he asked.

'No, thank you, but I still don't understand,' said
the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone
lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out..'

'Now, how about that drink?'

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Friday Yuk

by clarkd038 In reply to Friday Yuk

Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
ooks over at him and asks the question

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAN "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAN "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAN "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAN (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAN "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAN "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAN "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAN "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAN "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAN "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAN "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: ** silence **
HUSBAN "****."

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Things Redneck Will Never Say

by RPip In reply to Friday Yuk

Things Redneck Will Never Say

I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Wrestling's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my gut is too big?
I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, we don't need another dog.
Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Checkmate.
She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
You ALL.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

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"Weather" or not....

by TNT@support In reply to Friday Yuk

It's late at night and a couple are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The husband here's his wife answer the phone in a tired voice.

"Hello?" Pause. "How would I know we live 100 miles inland!?"

She hangs up the phone loudly and the husband, intrigued, asks what that was all about.

"I don't know," she says, "Some stupid woman called asking if the coast was clear..."

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Newlyweds

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk

Fred and Larry get married in California .
They couldn't afford a honeymoon.
So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first
married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and
Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school...'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replies, 'Never mind what you think!

Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mum says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

Looking at his shoes for a moment while considering how to
say it he replies,

'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue.

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One for the boys..

by Shellbot In reply to Newlyweds

Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Thursday October 29, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bltching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

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Has swine fly paranoia gone too far?

by NickNielsen In reply to Friday Yuk
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Modern relationships

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk

Daddy, How was I born?
=======================

A little boy asks his father, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need
to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat
room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and
we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and
googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered
that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too
late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up
appeared that said:


You've Got Male!

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for the girls

by Shellbot In reply to Modern relationships

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his SweatShirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
--------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
--------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
--------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
--------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
--------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
--------------
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'

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The Kiss

by Shellbot In reply to Modern relationships

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The
woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband
they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so
skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however,
the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this because it
was, after all, a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did
before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at
her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank
him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you
for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever
repay you!"

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough
every time your mother comes over and kisses you on the cheek!"

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