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Friday Yuk

By Shellbot ·
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Its Friday y'all!!!!!
Come on..do your bit for the Friday Yuk!
Thanks to Critch for helping out last week !! :)

I'll start it with a response we just got this morning from a major pc company, regarding bugs we reported. I hope whoever thought of this repsonse got a promotion and huge pay raise!!

"They're not bugs, they are known enhancement opprotunities"

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Joining a new church

by GSG In reply to Friday Yuk

A young couple joined a new church and the pastor told them, "We require

all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed, but after two weeks returned to see the pastor. The wife

was crying and the husband was obviously depressed.

"You are back so soon, is there a problem?" inquired the pastor.

"We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young

man replied sadly. "The first week we managed to abstain through sheer will

power. The second week was terrible and as we began the third week we

were powerless."

The pastor asked what happened. The young man replied, "My wife

reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was

overcome with lust and I had my way with her right then and there. It

was lustful, loud, and passionate. It lasted over an hour and when we were

done we were both drenched in sweat."

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means

you will not be welcome in our church."

"We understand," said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

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Culturally Sensitive Test

by GSG In reply to Joining a new church

Finally, a test that don't discriminate against us because of them cultural diversities we got

For years, decent folk like us been kept out of college on account of them tests for getting in was what a guy might call prejudice. See, they was made for guys who wear baggy shorts and them sunglasses with ropes on 'em so's they could wear 'em around their necks at the yacht club pool.

But now the government, which is trying not to do them discriminations no more, finally made up a test for white trash, which they call "culturally sensitive." Now I ain't too hip to the sensitive part, seeing as how decent white trash don't go around yapping about their feelings and all. But at least this here test could get you into school, where them pointy-heads is always passing out free money, they got lots of chicks, and you could hang out yapping about %$#@ that don't matter, just like yous do at home.

So here's the test. I'm just providing you this bad dog so's you could bone up before you get to applying at Harvard:

Time Limit: 3 Weeks

Name.__________________________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to .
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6, What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton:
(a)Bush:
(b)Carter:
(c)Clinton:

10. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

11. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George
the Sixth. Name the previous five:

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic equilibrium - OR - spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.

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ROFLMAO

by Shellbot In reply to Culturally Sensitive Test

thats a good one!!!

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that test wasn't totally perfect

by jck In reply to ROFLMAO

#17 additional answer: e) orange trees

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Test

by RPip In reply to Culturally Sensitive Test

Nice. Onliest problem I had was figurin' out who the 'government' was what created the test. Didn't know you meant guvmint!

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It wasn't the guvmint

by NickNielsen In reply to Test

It was the gummint.

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SumB***

by ---TK--- In reply to Friday Yuk

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***! Leroy was jabbing it in the
eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor..

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising ****.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy..

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

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pickin on musicians

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."


Drummers

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.
Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door ?
A: He speeds up when he?s knocking

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now.

Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.

Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"


Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."


Bagpipes

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to bagpipers?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What?s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a bagpipe in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

Q: What will you never say about a bagpiper?
A: "That's the bagpiper's Porsche."

Q: How are a bagpiper and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.


Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.


Strings

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

Q: What's the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?
A: Vibrato

Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.

Q: If you see a conductor and a violist in the middle of the road, who would you run over first?
A: The conductor, business before pleasure.

Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!

Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up.

Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.
Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.
Q: A violin and a viola are both in a burning building, in the same room, which burns first?
A: The violin because the viola was in its case.
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a violinist?
A: A dog knows when to quit scratching.
A violist was in the back seat of a small town's orchestra. One day he found a genie and was granted three wishes, the first wish was that he wanted to be 5 times better then he already was. By the next practice he was principal of the violists. After some time, he wanted to become even better. He went to the genie and asked to be 10 times better once more. The next day he became the principal violist of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. After months he still wanted to become a musician. He asked the genie once more but to be 15 times better. The next day at practice he was back in his small town's orchestra but in the very back of the second violin section.


Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?


Brass

Q: How does one trumpet player greet another?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
A: They're both murder on the high Cs.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.
Q: How do you get a trumpet to sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

Q: How do you define a perfect pitch?
A: When the tuba lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.
Q: What's the definition of optimism?
A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.
Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof
Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of them.

Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.


Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!

Everybody Else:
Q: What do clarinettists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?
A: A Flat Miner

Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.

Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.

Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Q: Why do clarinettists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.

Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.

Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.

Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.

Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.

Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies?
A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.

Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.

Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead

Q: How do you get a clarinettist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose

Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them.


And finally:

Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: The Roadie.

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Ahh -- this was the end of this yuk? Ok, here is something

by The Scummy One In reply to Friday Yuk

for those trying to study the brains of men and or women, here is a very scientific brain mapping done to help everyone figure this shlt out
http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee314/techman03/120453-brain.jpg

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Hmmm ?

by The Scummy One In reply to Ahh -- this was the end o ...

:^0

http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee314/techman03/120465-sexo_kamasutra.jpg

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