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Friday Yuk

By HAL 9000 Moderator ·
Tags: Off Topic
OK not so much a Word joke but a Picture & Word Joke that has a ring of truth to it when it comes to cats, entitled How to Know when your Cat is planning on killing you.

Please feel free to point out the incorrect assumptions though I know that there are not any, though I'm sure that more reasons could be added easily. :^0

Col 0:-)

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Murphy's Law

by Jacky Howe In reply to Friday Yuk

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland ..'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'

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For old time sake

by Jacky Howe In reply to Friday Yuk

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.
"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going ?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

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by Oz_Media In reply to For old time sake

"the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk."

Wanted to talk? Now that's why men can never romance a women. You have to TALK to them!

Male romance consists of, take yer pants off and lets get this over with, I have to go out with friends in the morning.

Unless its a first date; in which case you have to pay like she's a hooker. Buy her enough crap and let her wast a plate of food at a good restaurant and you MAY just get some, if you have time to talk.

hooker's are so much straighter when it comes to that. Don't buy me flowers because I have nowhere to carry them, don't tell me nice things because my name isn't really Brandy Blows, don't buy me dinner because I'll grab a hot dog between tricks, and tols talk to me because it is your money and my time you are wasting.

Oen things is for sure, that first date MAY put out if you spend eough and follow the strict guidelines.

That hooker is gonna put out and ask you to come again on payday.

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I Hate My Job

by Jacky Howe In reply to Friday Yuk

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a ****** thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every ****** Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'


...Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
Then you are just an old sour fart;

Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!!

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I had one of those days this week

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to I Hate My Job

On Monday I confirmed that I could place an order for some NB's and that supplies of them where available.

On Wednesday when I tried to order 300 NB's I was told that they where no longer available and where unlikely to ever be again as there was a new model coming out. So I asked when will the new model be available I didn't dare ask will I be able to install XP on them from my customers Volume License as that was fairly moot by then.

Of course the reply was I Don't Know and that was only about the availability naturally there was nothing about these new Models and their Specifications so I could get back to the customer and give them some wild idea of how long it would be before I could supply the new NB's.

So not to be outdone I tried another Distributer and went all around AU for any supplies that where available in any form from any of the better makers. Nada, Zilch Nothing at all is available in any numbers let alone the numbers that I require so despite all of the hard work selling these I just had to tell the customer that there where new models coming sometime this year maybe and I would get back to them when I knew something.

Of course 2 days previously I was told that I could get supplied with my order within 3 days so I was expecting to be able to have them delivered next Monday and then start loading them to the customers requirements which was just a clean install on 1 and clone the rest.

I did suggest that the customer could go to HP or Dell but even then I didn't think that they could supply the required numbers at the moment. These Country Distributes leave a lot to be desired and I'm more than a bit peeved off after checking with them about this.

OH BTW the Thermometer didn't make me feel any better.


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Hal, one think about working with rural businesses

by Deadly Ernest In reply to I had one of those days t ...

especially in New Zealand - never, ever say "F*** you," as they often think you mean ewe instead and you'll get billed for the time out of the office while they carry out the instructions.

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Yep at the new place there is a Kiwi across the road

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Hal, one think about work ...

Who wears a Sarong and is constantly on the Lookout for any stray sheep.

He's dressed ready for any Ewe that wanders by his place and they will not escape.

I do have a fiend who loves NZ but he refuses to allow his girlfriend to ride around in his car because people Just Will Not Understand. Now I know why the Kiwi's are advertising so hard to get you to visit their Land that need to pervert you to their Unnatural Ways.

Oh the other fiend is available for sale/rent here

I do get a little worried that this link is on every e-mail that he sends me. :0


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by Fregeus In reply to Yep at the new place ther ...

Wow, this is precious.
Thank you for sharing that.

Too much


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I wonder

by Jacky Howe In reply to I had one of those days t ...

if that was a form of road testing. A bit like the electrical connector that you so often see on trailers that are worn down one side.

Yep, I know all about suppliers. It's never available when you most need it.

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OH it gets better this is part of a 2 Million $ order

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to I wonder

For that supplier and they blew it straight off the bat. Somehow the still expect me to buy other things from them. :^0

For some strange reason I don't think so.

When I worked for Country Distributors nothing like that would have happened. OK so granted I couldn't tell them about what was new/coming but I could warn them that it was coming and roughly when it would be available. This follow the Company Line costs them lots of money and they are too silly to realize this.

I got a e-mail tonight asking when I was going to place the remainder of the order. They can't be serious. :^0 :^0


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