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Friday Yuk

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OK, I’ll start…

Signs You’re Burned Out Because of Work

You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell.”

Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream “Get off my back, you b1tch!”

Your garbage can IS your “in” box.

You wake up, only to discover that your bed is on fire, but you go back to sleep because you just don’t care anymore.

You have so much on your mind, you’ve forgotten how to pee.

You have so much on your mind, you forget to eat.

Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

You don’t set your alarm anymore because you know the pager or cell phone will go off before the alarm does.

You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail.

You can achieve “runners high” by sitting up.

The sun is too loud.

You and reality file for divorce.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you’ve said it before.

It appears that people are speaking to you in binary.

You can travel without moving.

Aspirin and antacid tablets have become your sole source of nutrition.

You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you’ve said it before.

You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty tiff over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for a week.

You are missing several days from this week.

Trees begin to chase you.

You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you’ve said it before.

You can hear mimes.

Things become “very clear.” Everything is “very clear” indeed.

Topic

That was different. I haven’t seen many of those.

In reply to Friday Yuk

That was different. I haven’t seen many of those.

Pirate Jokes

In reply to That was different. I haven’t seen many of those.

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at C!
—
How does a Pirate get around on shore?
They drive a carrrr.
—
What’s a Pirate’s favorite type of music?
Arrr & B.
—
What did the Pirate get on his exam?
A high C.
—
Where do Pirates shop for clothes?
The Salvation Arrrmy.
—
What type of clothes do they look for?
Arrrmani.
—
Who’s a Pirate’s favorite author?
J Arrr Arrr Tolkien.

Was supposed to go under the Arrgghh thread :p

In reply to Pirate Jokes

🙁

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day!

In reply to Pirate Jokes

Arrggh!

In reply to Friday Yuk

Today be National Talk Like A Pirate day, ye scurvy knaves. Buckled yer swash lately?

http://www.talklikeapirate.com

Dave Barry wrote a column about these 2 guys a number of years ago (column available on the website) and since then it’s gotten more and more popular.

You can also generate your Pirate Name on the site. I’m Mad Dog Flint… what’s yours?

We need some pirate jokes today.

More

In reply to Arrggh!

What do you call a pedophile pirate?
AARRRRGGH Kelly
—
What do you call a pirate that skips class?
Captain Hooky
—
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buccaneer
—
What has 8 arms, 8 legs and 8 eyes?
A: 8 Pirates
—
This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship’s wheel down his pants. The bartender says, “Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship’s wheel down the front of your pants?”
And the pirate says…
Aaargh, it’s driving me nuts!!
—
A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. he knocks on the door of a house and a man answers. “oh, i can see you’re dressed up as a pirate.” the man says. “but where are your buccaneers?” the kid gets really mad, and says “on the sides of my buckin’ head!”

Shouldn’t that be FOUR pirates?

In reply to More

Unless, of course, they each only have one arm and one leg.

I haven’t buckled much swash..

In reply to Arrggh!

But, how’d you like to scrape the barnacles off my rudder?

My pirate name is Rancid Jezebel Dread.

roflmao

In reply to I haven’t buckled much swash..

That’s the best I’ve seen yet! I think the girls get the best names, judging from the ones here in my office, not to mention Mae’s (Please don’t mention Mae’s!).

Aye, and I would be remiss if I did not partake….

In reply to Arrggh!

… In honor of Speak Like a Pirate Day….

A pirate and his crew were busy plundering a ship. When he entered the captain’s quarters, he saw the captain hunched over a table, obviously deep in thought. When the captain didn’t move, the pirate came closer with cutlass raised, but stopped short when he noticed that the captain was involved in a game of chess … with a parrot! The pirate watched for a few seconds, and soon the captain made a move. “Good move! Good move!” the parrot cried, “Nice! Nice!”

Well, needless to say, the pirate was quite impressed. “Arrgh, matey! That be quite the talented parrot ye be playin’ against thar,” he said.

The captain looked up at the pirate, somewhat startled, as he had been so involved with the game that he had not noticed the tar standing there. “Ahh, he’s not so smart,” he replied, “I’ve beaten the blighter two out of three.” (Bah-dum-dum)

“So what would the bird do if ye made a blunder?” asked the pirate.

“Somersaults,” was the quick reply.

“Somersaults?” the pirate said, “That be incredible! How many would it be doin’ then?”

“That would depend on how hard I slap him.”

Keyboard for Pirates

In reply to Aye, and I would be remiss if I did not partake….

Little Johnny, The Pirate

In reply to Keyboard for Pirates

Poor 10 year old Little Johnny had a speech impediment.
Due to that, Little Johnny was somewhat a loner without many friends.

With Halloween approaching, Little Johnny felt left out in that he wasn’t invited to go Trick-Or-Treating with the other kids. So, Little Johnny decided to make his own costume and canvas the neighborhood on his own.

After a lot of thought, he decided on his costume. “I buh-know, I bill be a [b]Pirate![/b]”

After spending several days perfecting his costume, Halloween arrived. So, off Little Johnny went to collect his share of the booty.
Upon arriving at the first house, he rang the doorbell, yelled “Trick-bor-bah-treat,” and was greeted by a friendly looking lady with a large basket of candy.

“My My,” said the lady. “What a fine little pirate!”
“But, where are your Buccaneers?”

To which Little Johnny replied pointing at his head; “Buckin’ ears? beese are my buckin’ ears! Bear are your buckin’ eyes?”

Captain, My Captain

In reply to Little Johnny, The Pirate

So, there’s this pirate ship in the midst of a long voyage. The men have grown terribly bored. The captain happens to know a bunch of magic tricks, and he decides to put on a magic show. His parrot, however, is quite gossipy and can’t keep it’s mouth shut.

The pirate begins his first trick, and the parrot gives it away by saying “rawwk, the coin is in the other hand, rawwk!”

Frustrated, the pirate tries another trick, but again, the parrot gives it away by blurting out “rawwk, look under the table, rawwk!”

This goes on for some time, to a point that the captain can’t manage to perform anything spectacular to entertain the crew. His anger towards his blabbermouth parrot eventually grows so phenomenal that one night he gets very drunk and accidentally crashes the ship into a reef sinking it.

Sobering up the next morning, he finds himself adrift on some wreckage. The parrot, ever the attentive sidekick, happens to land next to him looking quite puzzled. It says to him:

“Rawwk, Okay, I give up, What’d ya do with the boat?”

Regretful Wish

In reply to Captain, My Captain

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth.
This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!”
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances.
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a moment spoke: “Now yee’ve done it!! Now we’re goon to have to pee in the boat.”

http://i190.photobucket.com/albums/z18/CaptBilly1Eye/Extras/pirate-on-board.gif

Shiver me timbers…

In reply to Arrggh!

Mad Jenny Flint, Captaining the Cursed Insanity.

How did they know it was me? :^0 :^0 :^0

My Pirate ID

In reply to Arrggh!

You Are:
Captain Keelhauler

Your ship is so drenched with blood that people think it’s a Mardi Gras float. This is okay because it means that the women, err, we mean “wenches” will often lift up their shirts as ye sail by. And you thought pirating had no career benefits!

On a different one

In reply to My Pirate ID

my name is

Cap’n Skyler Bloodsmear

and as w2k
Pirate Sid the Cash-Strapped :^0
Looks like w2k aint doin well in the pirate biz :0

Iron Jack Vane here

In reply to Arrggh!

I like it. Think I’ll change my handle the next time I get a wild hair…

I was kinda thinkin that myself.

In reply to Iron Jack Vane here

But I can do without the ‘Flint’. 😀

The Married Couple’s Holiday

In reply to Friday Yuk

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this
small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican
accent say, ‘You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.’ So the
married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, ‘I have some special sandals I think you
would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.’

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being
the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, ‘How could sandals make you into a sex freak?’

The Jamaican replied, ‘Just try dem on, Man. ‘

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own
pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

:^0 :^0 :^0

In reply to Friday Yuk

Thanks for that. Stress’ll do it everytime! :^0

Noah – 2008

In reply to Friday Yuk

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.
Noah! He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord”, begged Noah, “but things have changed.”

“I needed a building permit.”

“I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.”

“My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.”

“We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.”

“Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark ‘s move to the sea.”

“I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.”

“I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”

“Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.”

“The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.”

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

“You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord.

“The government beat me to it.”

Uh Oh

In reply to Friday Yuk

these apply to me :0

You have so much on your mind, you forget to eat.

You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

You can achieve “runners high” by sitting up.

You and reality file for divorce

It appears that people are speaking to you in binary.

You can travel without moving.

Aspirin and antacid tablets have become your sole source of nutrition.

You are missing several days from this week.

You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

Things become “very clear.” Everything is “very clear” indeed.

A new element has been discovered!

In reply to Friday Yuk

Governmentium(Gv)

A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

Old picture-New context

In reply to Friday Yuk

http://www.summum.us/potpourri/humor/sob.shtml

Look closely

In reply to Old picture-New context

http://office-humour.co.uk/site/imgViewer.cfm?i=2006/10/4939.jpg

Glaswegian lightbulb joke …

In reply to Friday Yuk

How many Weegie flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two, but you have to wonder how the sneaky wee bastards got in there!

:D :D :D

In reply to Glaswegian lightbulb joke …

.

Living too close to Glasgow?…

In reply to Friday Yuk

Below are some tell-tale signs:

1. Your spouse has a poster of Andy Goram smiling.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think that a woman is ‘out of your league’ because she asks for a glass with her Tennents Super.
5. The phrase “Thunderbirds are Go!” reminds you that the off-licence has just opened.
6. You wish your toilet at home could be as clean as the one in the Bus Station.
7. At least one member of your family has died right after saying “Hey! Watch this.”
8. You think Don Perignon is a Mafie leader.
9. Your wife’s hairdo is ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your school had a students’ creche.
11. One, or more, of your kids was born on a pub pool table.
12. One or more of your kids was conceived on a pub pool table.
13. Your back-door coal bunker is ideal for the Rottwiler to raise its pups.
14. The trade-in value of your Transit goes up and down, depending on how full the tank is.
15. You don’t have to leave the house to put rubbish in the wheelie bin.
16. You once lit a match in the bathroom and the windows blew out.
17. You only need one more stamp on your card to get a freebie at Tam’s Tatoos.
18. You can’t get married to your childhood sweetheart because of the current bestiality laws.
19. You think ‘loading a dishwasher’ means getting your wife drunk.
20. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
21. The soundtrack on your wedding video ends with the loadhailer message: “THIS IS THE POLICE.”

Signs you’ve been in Glasgow too long.

In reply to Friday Yuk

1. You say ‘pish’ all the time.
2. You say ‘aye’ all the time.
3. You end sentences with ‘like’ as in: “I’m no goin’ there, like, it’s pish.”
4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it “tastes of pish, like.”
5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
6. You punch everybody you meet.
7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
8. You are incomprehensible.
9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words ‘Edinburgh’ or ‘England’.
11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all the deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.

Deep Fried Pizza’s???

In reply to Signs you’ve been in Glasgow too long.

Hmmm, that actually sounds good :0

It does, doesn’t it.

In reply to Deep Fried Pizza’s???

I’ve been thinking about deep fried pizza since I read that. I wonder if we have those around here? 😀
Last thing I need, probably.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

In reply to It does, doesn’t it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deep-fried_pizza

I’m Lookin’ Hard….

In reply to It does, doesn’t it.

Here’s a place in Brooklyn:
http://slice.seriouseats.com/archives/2006/10/deepfried_pizza_3.html

still lookin’….

gettin’ hungry!

Hey, OM, can ya ship me one with pepperoni & onion?
🙂

But THIS beats a deep-fried pizza !…

In reply to It does, doesn’t it.

Often (used) to be found in my mouth!

http://fxcuisine.com/Default.asp?language=2&Display=129&resolution=&page=2

I didn’t know any better! 😉

Damn I live in the wrong place…

In reply to But THIS beats a deep-fried pizza !…

Hmmm, y’all know how ta cook there Mmmmmmmmm

deep fry everything (including that candy bar). Maybe I need a deep fryer to play with… I may send some recipe’s across the pond :0

:0 Barely legal food porn?! lmao!

In reply to But THIS beats a deep-fried pizza !…

.

Very closely followed by, for dessert !!! …

In reply to But THIS beats a deep-fried pizza !…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deep-fried_Mars_Bar

Now – these are yummy! 🙂

But what about deep fried Twinkies

In reply to Very closely followed by, for dessert !!! …

http://www.wchstv.com/gmarecipes/deepfriedtwinkies.shtml

Yikes…

ya beat me to the punch :)

In reply to But what about deep fried Twinkies

🙂

I’m not familiar with ‘Twinkies’ so can’t comment.

In reply to But what about deep fried Twinkies

Although they sound vaguely sexual to me! :^0

OK, OM. Here’s the deal…

In reply to But what about deep fried Twinkies

You send me a deep fried pizza and I’ll send you a box full of Twinkies.
😉

That way, you can enjoy their cream-filled goodness while I clog my colon.
😀

http://www.twinkies.org/

I was told as a kid that Twinkies, if left in their wrapper, would never go bad. Maybe that’s what ya need… more preservatives in your bod.
:^0

:0 OM

In reply to But what about deep fried Twinkies

I never could understand the Twinkie thing, outside the obviously pornographic ‘food’ that is a Twinkie.

I use the term food, lightly.

WOW!!!

In reply to But what about deep fried Twinkies

arent Twinkies the worst food in the world?? Now even moreso :^0

Be glad

In reply to But what about deep fried Twinkies

I left out any reference to alternate flavors. 😀

edit
Had to lose the blatant in favor of innuendo.

Deep Fried? Yes…. But, this is going too far!

In reply to But THIS beats a deep-fried pizza !…

http://www.wftv.com/foodnews/9789814/detail.html

and this:
http://archives.cnn.com/2002/US/West/09/18/offbeat.twinkie.reut/

No way

In reply to Deep Fried? Yes…. But, this is going too far!

It is so good, and so deadly. Gotta love it.

Ok.

In reply to Deep Fried? Yes…. But, this is going too far!

Both of those are just plumb gross. Ewww….

:^0

In reply to Deep Fried? Yes…. But, this is going too far!

“People drove for hours just to taste our Twinkie.”

I wanna try some deep fried strawberries

In reply to Deep Fried? Yes…. But, this is going too far!

with strawberry syrup. Mmmm, that sounds good.

At Christmas you should serve deep-fried Turducken.

In reply to Deep Fried? Yes…. But, this is going too far!

Thats a turkey stuffed with a duck, thats been stuffed with a chicken, thats been stuffed. Down south, in Georgia and the Carolinas they serve a deep fried variation which is to die for – literally. You can hear your arteries hardening while you eat but hot damn; it’s soooooooo goooood!

http://homecooking.about.com/od/turkeyrecipes/ss/turduckensbs.htm

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

‘Hear you arteries hardening…’ – LMAO :^0

In reply to At Christmas you should serve deep-fried Turducken.

:^0

I love Turducken!

In reply to At Christmas you should serve deep-fried Turducken.

…had it several times.

Deep frying turkey for Thanksgiving has become extremely popular. Unfortunately, every year, several yahoos burn up their back deck or house in the process.

Using a peanut oil frying process does a great job of sealing all the juices in. I don’t think I’ve ever had better white meat. But on the flip side, it’s easy to over-cook since the cooking time is so short. I had some last year that was so over done it was like turkey jerky.
🙂

Jesus and the Democrat

In reply to Friday Yuk

.
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, ‘Is that Jesus sitting over there?’

The waitress nodded ‘yes,’ so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, ‘Is that Jesus over there?’

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, ‘My treat.’

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, ‘Hey there, honey! How’s about getting’ me a cold glass of Miller Light?’ He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, ‘Is that God’s boy over there?’

The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. ‘On my bill,’ he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, ‘For your kindness, you are healed.’

The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, ‘For your kindness, you are healed.’ The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, ‘Don’t touch me .. I’m collecting disability.’

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

The Washcloth

In reply to Friday Yuk

.
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, and as children are full of questions he asked his mother what was the hair between her legs?

She saw no need to elaborate so responded, ‘It’s… it’s my washcloth’.

A few weeks later and shortly after the birth of his new little sister, the young boy walked in on his mother again. But while she was in the hospital the Doctor had shaved off all her pubic hair, and so the boy asked his mother: ‘What happened to your washcloth?’

The mother this time responded, ‘Honey, I lost it, but I’ll find it again soon’.

So the little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother’s washcloth. A few days later he went running up to his mother, very excited and yelling ‘I found your washcloth!’

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the game.She said, ‘Where did you find it? It’s so wonderful you helped mommy, now tell her where it is?’

And the little boy answered, ‘The maid has it – she’s washing daddy’s face with it.’

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Ecumenical Golf

In reply to Friday Yuk

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Ariel
Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel.

“Your Holiness”, said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Sharon wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and
ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a
golf club in his hand.

“Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked.

“None that plays very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,” he added,
“there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a
devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask
him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In
addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the
match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match,
Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the
result.

“I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” said
Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve
played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was
the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired
from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate
and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect,
my play was truly miraculous.

“There’s bad news?”, the Pope asked.

“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven
strokes.”

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Red and the Wolf

In reply to Ecumenical Golf

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees
the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My what big eyes you have Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding
Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again.
This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

“My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding
Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

“My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,” taunts Little Red Riding
Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,

“Will you piss off! I’m trying to take a shite!”

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Belated, non-pirate funnies

In reply to Friday Yuk

How to Argue About College Football:
http://i190.photobucket.com/albums/z18/CaptBilly1Eye/Extras/CollegeFootball.jpg

Theft-proof lunchbag:
http://www.skforlee.com/independent_work/lunch_bag.html

Here’s non-denominational 404 – Page Cannot Be Displayed page:
http://larknews.com/july_2004/5.html

Get your ‘Tuesday Is Gonna Be Rough’ shirt:
http://shirt.woot.com/friends.aspx?k=6194

Parents Just Don’t Understand:
http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1762111

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Bad Choice of Words

In reply to Belated, non-pirate funnies

This is an excerpt from an article entitled “[b]Say Cheese: 12 Photos That Should Never Have Been Posted Online[/b]”
The rest of the article is here:
http://www.pcworld.com/article/150920/article.html?tk=nl_tnxnws

I particularly liked this one because of the caption used with the photo.
🙂

10. Then We Ordered Another Bottle of Tequila, and When I Woke Up One of My Kidneys Was Missing
It was a vacation she’d probably rather forget. When Janet Dudley-Eshbach, president of Salisbury University in Maryland, created an album of her family’s trip to Mexico on Facebook in October 2007, she didn’t expect a local TV station to broadcast the photos to the world, or to have a Wikipedia entry covering the mini-scandal. The problem wasn’t the photos so much as the captions, like the one for this picture: [b]”I ended up having to beat off the Mexicans because they were constantly flirting with my daughter.”[/b] (We believe she meant with a stick.) Or the photo of a tapir, a piglike mammal, with an arrow pointing to its over-sized manhood. The 53-year-old educator was forced to apologize for conduct unbecoming a university president–and to endure a painful lesson on how not to use Facebook’s privacy settings.

Good Info to Have

In reply to Bad Choice of Words

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here’s the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

[b]CONCLUSION:[/b] Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. – But don’t worry, your Government is trying to correct this problem.

😉

Oh my my – such a smart little girl!

In reply to Friday Yuk

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, ‘what would you like to talk about?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the Obama. ‘How about what changes I should make to America?’ and he smiles.

‘OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’

To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know sh|t?’

A dog’s life or a cat’s life

In reply to Friday Yuk

Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary”

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

“Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary”

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little

hunter” I am. Idiots!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.

I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,
I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement
was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and
how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and
seems to be more than willing to return (he is obviously retarded).
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe. For now…

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

The Fly

In reply to Friday Yuk

The Fly

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

A hot dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh… if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him.”

There was a bear on the shore thinking,”Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches… that fish will jump for the fly… and I will eat him.”

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. “Gosh,” he thought, “if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish leaps for it…that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch.”

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish jumps for that fly…and that bear grabs for that fish…the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.”

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, “Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish jumps for that fly…and that bear grabs for that fish…and that hunter shoots that bear…and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich…then I can have mouse for lunch.”

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water…

The fish swallows the fly…
The bear grabs the fish…
The hunter shoots the bear…
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich…
The cat jumps for the mouse…
The mouse ducks…
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is….

Whenever a fly goes down three inches some p#ssy is probably in danger.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

good one!

In reply to The Fly

love that 😛

Firming up

In reply to Friday Yuk

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on her butt and said,

“You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.”

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself
better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke
his wife with a pinch on the breast and said,

“You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and
grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said,

“You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman,
the gardener, the pool man and your brother.”

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

UK Doctor Slang

In reply to Friday Yuk

I’ve cut these from a story about how the increasing rate of litigation means that there is a far higher chance that doctors will be asked in court to explain the exact meaning of notations that they make in patients’ medical notes. Having to explain the meaning of NFN (Normal for Norfolk), FLK (Funny looking kid) or GROLIES (Guardian Reader Of Low Intelligence in Ethnic Skirt) would be embarrassing.

Some others

CTD – Circling the Drain (A patient expected to die soon)
GLM – Good looking Mum
GPO – Good for Parts Only
TEETH – Tried Everything Else, Try Homoeopathy
UBI – Unexplained Beer Injury
LOBNH (Lights On But Nobody Home)
CNS-QNS (Central Nervous System – Quantity Not Sufficient)
“Pumpkin Positive”, refers to the implication that a penlight shone into the patient’s mouth would encounter a brain so small that the whole head would light up.

One doctor put “TTFO” – an expression roughly translated as “Told To Go Away” – on a patient’s notes. The doctor was asked by the judge what the acronym meant, and luckily for him he had the presence of mind to say: “To take fluids orally”.

DBI refers to “Dirt Bag Index”, and multiplies the number of tattoos with the number of missing teeth to give an estimate of the number of days since the patient last bathed.

What a hoot. Thanks! :D

In reply to UK Doctor Slang

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The one, the only, the original Welfare Letters

In reply to Friday Yuk

The sentences below were taken from actual letters received by a California county welfare department from applications for aid:

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had about 7, but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing to the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born 2 years old, when do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year, and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I am glad to report that my husband , who was reported missing, is dead.

5. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

6. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can’t eat or do anything until he knows.

7. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my boy illiterate as this is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.

8. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

9. My husband got his project cut off 2 weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children. One of which was a mistake as you will see.

11. Unless I get my husband’s money soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life.

12. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

13. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

14. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for 2 months, and he doesn’t do me any good. If things don’t improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

:^0 :^0 :^0

In reply to The one, the only, the original Welfare Letters

Thanks. I’ve seen sentence structure like that afore. Gave me a great giggle. :^0

Too Funny! :D

In reply to The one, the only, the original Welfare Letters

…ya just can’t make that stuff up!
:^0

How to Interpret Performance Reports

In reply to Friday Yuk

Some of you might like to know what supervisors are really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations they keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to university.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Needs more to do.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the arse.

WILL GO FAR: Related to management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 5 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: (or anything else – just get him or her away from me!).

Office sign

In reply to How to Interpret Performance Reports

Safety notice

In reply to Office sign

Hmmm…

In reply to Safety notice

I am missing something?

For some reason, that one didn’t want to display

In reply to Hmmm…

Trying again

Bugger! Still not working. Here’s the link: http://tinyurl.com/49o2ll

B|tch slaps as necessary

In reply to Safety notice

And finally, the sympathy card

In reply to B|tch slaps as necessary

:^0 See it now! :^0 :^0

In reply to Safety notice

.

Meanwhile, Back At the Urinal :^0

In reply to Friday Yuk

.
A white man noticed the impressive length of the black man’s member at the adjacent urinal. “Sure wish I had one like yours.”

The black man replied, “You can–just tie a string around it and hang a weight on the end of the string. Put the weight down your pant leg and you can have one like mine.”

The white man thanked him for the suggestion and left.

Some weeks later, they met again in the lavatory.

The black man asked how the project was going.

“Great, I’m half way there!”

“Really?” said the black man.

“Yes. It’s turning black!”

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Two Cannibals

In reply to Friday Yuk

.

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, a little old man came by. The son said, “Oh Dad, there’s one!”

“No,” said the father. “There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait.”

A little while later, along came a very large man. The son said, “Hey dad, he’s plenty big enough.”

“No,” the father said. “We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat on that one. We’ll just wait.”

About an hour later, an absolutely gorgeous woman came past them. The son said, “Now there’s nothing wrong with that one, Dad. Let’s eat her!”

“No,” said the father. “We will not eat her either.”

“Why not?” asked the son. “She’s not too skinny, she’s not too fat. She’s just right!”

“Right,” the father replied. “We’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother.”

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

The Piano Player

In reply to Friday Yuk

.
A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.

The bartender was put off by the man’s looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.

As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.

“Hey, Old Timer,” said the barkeep. “You’re really good. What was that beautiful song?”

“I call it ‘Drop them panties Momma, I’m gonna do ya all night long’.”

Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, “Interesting title. Do you have another?” The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to overflowing.

“You are amazing,” exclaimed the barkeep. “Just amazing! What do you call that one?”

“Oh, that’s a little ditty I call ‘I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler’.” The bartender held his tongue — the guy was certainly good, despite the outrageous song titles.

Then, he rose, excused himself and shuffled off to use the restroom.

While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said, “Mister, you are the greatest piano player I’ve ever heard. If you want the job, it’s yours.”

Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and whispered, “Sir, do you know your pekker’s hanging out for all the world to see?”

“Know it?” the geezer grinned. “Hell, I wrote it!”

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

On the Road Again

In reply to Friday Yuk

.
I bought a new high-end car and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn’t figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

“Watch this!” he said, “Nelson!”

The Radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”

“Willie!” he said, and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers.

Then he said, “Ray Charles!”, and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say, “Beethoven,” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles” or “Stones” I’d get one of their classic songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. “Ashsholes!” I yelled.

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE my new car!

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Best of the set! :-)

In reply to On the Road Again

😀

Have you got change for a…………..

In reply to Friday Yuk

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from
the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he
rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and
slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled
to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

“Where to?” he stammered.

“Union Station,” answered the woman.

“You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the
hell are you looking at, driver?”

“Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was
just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.”

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat,
smiled at the driver and said, “Does *THIS* answer your question?
”

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything
smaller?”

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

[Author]

Replies