General discussion


Friday Yuk

By OH Smeg Moderator ·
Well no jokes this week just this picture which says it all.

Warning M$ new OS to replace Vista is now officially named here is a picture of the new case and name.

<a href="" target="_blank"><img src="" border="0" alt="M$ Windows"></a>

This conversation is currently closed to new comments.

Thread display: Collapse - | Expand +

All Comments

Collapse -

Things I have learned from Mae

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ******* who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be, until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- I will tell you to stay the **** away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ***.

Friendship is like peeing your pants:
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Collapse -


by jdclyde In reply to Things I have learned fro ...

? I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

? Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

? The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

? Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

? There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

? Life is sexually transmitted.

? Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

? The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

? Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

? Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

? Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

? All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

? Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

? How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

? Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

? Did you ever notice that when you **** in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Collapse -

An Irish view of the election

by jdclyde In reply to PONDERISMS

An Irish Point of View on the American Election race..

We, in Ireland , can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you have a woman who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a woman who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What are you lads thinking about over there???

Collapse -

Quick thinker

by jdclyde In reply to An Irish view of the elec ...

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

Collapse -

5 easy, sure ways to keep your wife happy

by jdclyde In reply to Quick thinker

5 easy, sure ways to keep your wife happy!

rule # 1.....Make sure you tell her every day how beautiful she is.

rule # 2..... If she is tired, give her a while you are doing it ...just remember, it`s good excercise for your hands!

rule # 3.......If she asks you to do something for her, just do it.....don`t forget to smile!!

rule # 4.......Make her rose on the table would be a nice touch! Don`t forget to smile!!

rule # 5.......And last but not least....if she looks like she is upset, get the f##ck out of there and don`t come back for a long, long while...and remember....Try not to smile!!!!!

Collapse -

Know when to shut up

by jdclyde In reply to Quick thinker

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' :0

Collapse -


by w2ktechman In reply to Know when to shut up

sounds like something I might say :^0

Collapse -

Screen wipes, pahlease. <nt>

by CaptBilly1Eye In reply to Know when to shut up
Collapse -


by TonytheTiger In reply to Know when to shut up

"You're not THAT old."

Collapse -


by jdclyde In reply to An Irish view of the elec ...

A few views on the subject:

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day."---Frank Sinatra

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer."---Homer

"Fermentation may have been a greater discovery than fire."---David Rains

"Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink."---Whitstran Brewery sign

"Work is the curse of the drinking class."---Oscar Wilde

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."---Henny

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but
at the very least you need a beer."---Frank Zappa

"He was a wise man who invented beer."----Plato

"God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?"---Restroom in The Irish
Times, Washington DC

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."---Dean

"The easiest way to spot a wanker in a pub is to look around and find who's
drinking a Corona with a slice of lemon in the neck."---Warwick Franks

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."---W.C. Fields

"Everybody has to believe in something.....I believe I'll have another drink."---W.C. Fields

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."---Benjamin Franklin

"Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop."---Winston Churchill to
his Secretary of War, 1944

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
---Humphrey Bogart

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."---Dave Barry

"People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot."---Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."---Deep Thought, Jack Handy

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed - then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'"---Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Related Discussions

Related Forums