Windows Forum
Well no jokes this week just this picture which says it all.
Warning M$ new OS to replace Vista is now officially named here is a picture of the new case and name.
by jdclyde
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be, until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- I will tell you to stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
Friendship is like peeing your pants:
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
by jdclyde
? I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
? Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
? The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
? Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
? There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
? Life is sexually transmitted.
? Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
? The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
? Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
? Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
? Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
? All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
? Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
? How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
? Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
by jdclyde
An Irish Point of View on the American Election race..
We, in Ireland , can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
On one side, you have a woman who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a woman who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.
What are you lads thinking about over there???
by netman1958
A coward dies a thousand times before his death, the valiant taste death but once. That's enough isn't it?
If you get too old for wine, women and song, give up singing.
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If a felon commits a felony, and a robber commits a robbery, does that mean that God is an iron?
Build a fire for a man, and he's warm for a day, but set him on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
Why is it that none of the leaders of Jihad want to die for those 72 virgins?
I'm all for gay marriage, let them suffer like the rest of us.
I went very far in life, thanks to my Ex. And the more I think about her, the farther I want to go.
My best friend ran away with my Ex. Let the punishment fit the crime.
by tonythetiger
[i]? Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.[/i]
I get all the exercise I need being a pall bearer for my friends who exercised all the time.
by jdclyde
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
by ontheropes
by boxfiddler
by maecuff
Men are like....Animals
Messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but occasionally make great pets.
Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like....Beer.
The first sip is always bitter.
No matter how many varieties you try, they are essentially the same; tasteless, full of bubbles, destabilize your metabolism and give you a headache, but somehow they linger and you either can't finish one or you can't get enough.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like....Bras.
They offer light, medium and complete support.
Men are like....Buses.
They come every 15 minutes.
Men are like....Buses.
They have spare tires and smell funny.
Men are like....Computers.
And a smart woman keeps a backup.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Fires.
They go out if unattended!
Men are like....Fine wine. They start out as grapes.
It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature.
And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion
Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like....Oreos.
Once you eat the cream they aren't good anymore!
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table
Men are like.....Recliners.
You pull the lever and they lay back
Men are like....Teeth.
You ignore them - you lose them.
Husbands are like....Children
They're fine if they're someone else's.
by maecuff
But I take exception to #'s 2,3,5 and 6.
2. I don't really like touching many people, so chances are, I wouldn't try to dislodge anything.
3. When you smile, I think, "WTF are you smiling at, .
5. Probably, I listen to your worries, then I'll start thinking about MY worries and then I wonder if I might have a few of the same worries as you and then I have to ADD them to the worries I just started thinking about. It's exhausting. I tend to avoid listening to people's problems.
6. I would never condescend to any one. (I honestly can't type that without laughing).
by jdclyde
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
by jdclyde
5 easy, sure ways to keep your wife happy!
rule # 1.....Make sure you tell her every day how beautiful she is.
rule # 2..... If she is tired, give her a message..smile while you are doing it ...just remember, it`s good excercise for your hands!
rule # 3.......If she asks you to do something for her, just do it.....don`t forget to smile!!
rule # 4.......Make her breakfast..one rose on the table would be a nice touch! Don`t forget to smile!!
rule # 5.......And last but not least....if she looks like she is upset, get the f##ck out of there and don`t come back for a long, long while...and remember....Try not to smile!!!!!
by jdclyde
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' :0
by jdclyde
A few views on the subject:
*******************************
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day."---Frank Sinatra
"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer."---Homer
Simpson
"Fermentation may have been a greater discovery than fire."---David Rains
Wallace
"Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink."---Whitstran Brewery sign
"Work is the curse of the drinking class."---Oscar Wilde
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."---Henny
Youngman
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but
at the very least you need a beer."---Frank Zappa
"He was a wise man who invented beer."----Plato
"God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?"---Restroom in The Irish
Times, Washington DC
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."---Dean
Martin
"The easiest way to spot a wanker in a pub is to look around and find who's
drinking a Corona with a slice of lemon in the neck."---Warwick Franks
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."---W.C. Fields
"Everybody has to believe in something.....I believe I'll have another drink."---W.C. Fields
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."---Benjamin Franklin
"Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop."---Winston Churchill to
his Secretary of War, 1944
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
---Humphrey Bogart
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."---Dave Barry
[b]
"People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot."---Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
[/b]
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."---Deep Thought, Jack Handy
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed - then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'"---Deep Thought, Jack Handy
by jdclyde
by tonythetiger
by jdclyde
One day, long, long ago.......
there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But this was a long time ago.......and it was just that one day.
The End
by boxfiddler
Why does a man prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.
Why does a man like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A.A dog is always happy to see you
B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
edit durnit
by jdclyde
Wife is at the front door b1tchen
Dog is at the back door barking
Who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. At least the dog will shut up once you let it in..... :D
Who is a better friend to men, dogs or women?
The way to tell, is lock them both in the trunk of your car for 30 minutes and see which one is happy to see you when you open it back up.... ;\
Why don't women fart?
They don't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
GotchA!
Your serve Boxie! :x
I stomp my foot, throw temper tantrums and pout.. thank you very much ;) :p
-Tammy :-)
by jdclyde
by jdclyde
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZSbC09qgLI&NR=1
Something for the cat lovers. Not a cat lover? This is not for you, and bugger off! :D
by critch
by jck
One day, an old Russian lady decides to go visit her grandchildren in New York City. Being that she didn't want her poor dog Bahlzich to starve, she took him along with her for the visit.
Arriving in LaGuardia, the old lady goes and gets her luggage, then boards a bus to her family's neighborhood.
About 10 minutes into the trip, she notices that the bag her dog was riding in was open and there was no sight him. Frantically, she gets out of the seat and starts searching for him.
Having worked her way to the front of the bus and still desperate to find him, she finally screamed for her dog "BAHLZICH!?!?!?!"
Subtly, the bus driver looked over and said to her:
"No, ma'am. Just reachin for some change."
:^0
by jdclyde
by critch
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind.
So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."
"Hello?" the woman says.
Wow! She sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9."
by netman1958
A man is walking along on the sidewalk and passes by a lot with a tall wooden fence. From behind the fence he hears a group of people chanting "thirteen.....thirteen.....thirteen....."
This arouses his curiosity but he can't see over the fence even if he jumps up. So he continues to walk until he spies a knot hole in the fence. He bends over peers through the knot hole with one eye.
Out of nowhere a finger pokes him in the eye. He jumps back from the fence and the people behind the fence change the chant to "fourteen.....fourteen.....fourteen....."
by netman1958
by critch
It's a vehicular jungle out there, with packed traffic, surly drivers, and a paucity of parking places, all begging the question, "Where the Sam Hill is everyone going to park?"
With a large portion of the population behind the wheel, there's a growing trend that makes it seem OK for drivers to park as though they had their eyes closed. The adherents of this cult feel it's acceptable to park diagonally, to park way too close to your car, and - if they drive a particularly gargantuan SUV - that by some anomaly of the space-time continuum their corpulent chariot qualifies as a "compact."
If you've ever felt powerless against these irritating infractors, fear no longer. Simply print out a citation from the following Web site (which has an unprintable name), slap said citation on the offender's
windshield, and walk away triumphantly!
youparklikeana$$hole.com
(change back to ss for the site...
by puppybreath
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling
about the deck was a major problem.
The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from riding/rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round dimples, called, for reasons
unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls quickly rusted to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make the plates of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and contracts more
rapidly than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that it was just a vulgar expression, didn't you?
But why spoil a good story with fact.
:^0
by puppybreath
by puppybreath
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose.
And don't forget?..lemons!!!! Don't get them in your drinks (if they still have the peel). Dirty hands are everywhere!!!!
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face ...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
by jdclyde
by jellimonsta
by spector
Hehe picture taken from Super Hero Movie.
I just love the assistent that comes up when he runs the program.
"seems like you're planning a mass murderer, would you like some help?"
And the fact that he gets mad at the assistent, which everyone does when it comes up. Hehe
by hal 9000
by nicknielsen
by jdclyde
by boxfiddler
[b]And God Made Man[/b]
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God..."Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
by hal 9000
Man was made second as an Improvement of the first flawed prototype. :^0
The moral of the story is if at first you stuff it all up redesign it and build again. :p
Col ]:)
What every fashionable woman on the Gulf and Atlantic Coasts should have in her closet....................
http://i190.photobucket.com/albums/z18/CaptBilly1Eye/Extras/HurricaneShoes.jpg
Note: This is not meant to make light of the horrific situation now facing the Houston\Galveston area. Best of luck to anyone there from one who's been through it.
There's a senior citizen driving on the highway.
His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
Dog Joke
A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten pound note there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.
Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Yelling and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? That dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heaven's sake!", to which the guy responds,
"Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key."
---- the real apology is for pasting in a joke from email into the Yuk a few weeks ago. Sorry, Dawg, for that.
by boxfiddler
by hal 9000
by boxfiddler
:^0
Alrighty then. That was painful. :^0
by nicknielsen
by nicknielsen
by maecuff
Why do men die before their wives?
They should.
If you think he's listening to you, you're wrong he's trying to convert what you just said into something with a sexual connotation
by hal 9000
by boxfiddler
by maecuff
by hal 9000
The Parrot has a Pomy Accent. :D
That would drive me nuts but otherwise it's a half way decent parrot. :0
Col
by ontheropes
by boxfiddler
by nicknielsen
At least one has a hit count approaching 12,500.
I suspect the total hit count exceeds 100k. Sure are a lot of idiots, aren't there? :^0
by w2ktechman
nothing happens???
:^0 :^0
by nicknielsen
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by boxfiddler
I don't keer who y'are. That ther's funny. :^0
'Cept I think maybe it's been longer. ;)
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by boxfiddler
Bury me in the Pyrolon dress I'm going to buy next week.
etu
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by boxfiddler
Actually, cremation is my thing, too. Specifically, cremate me, dump the ashes in the nearest dipsy, party like fiends for a couple of days and don't forget the Turkey.
Then for God's sake get on with life.
You crack me up too. :^0
by ontheropes
I didn't know it until my wifes nephew died but my Mother-in-law has enough plots at the local cemetery for all of us. The whole famn damily. :0 Talk about planning ahead! Sheesh.
Kind of strange to see your final *resting place*. She should get some money back because I'm not going to take up much space. The headstone will be larger.
I had told my wife that she should mix my ashes with concrete and hire someone to build a shrine in my honor. She's not too keen on that idea. :( Sounds good to me but I guess it's not going to happen so I get the stone box instead, like it's going to make a difference. :^0
by sleepin'dawg
an old Chock Full O' Nuts can use an old Maxwell House can as a tribute to TR and Max Edison. Having your ash(es) hauled up to the top of Everest would have to be the ultimate act of flipping off whatever laws and authorities would be against it. Done clandestinely; what are they going to do, exhume your sorry ash(es) after the fact???
[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)
by ontheropes
by sleepin'dawg
Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The
only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted
all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find
a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in
Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand
grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-
boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers
100 yards away -- ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph --
bulls-eye!
"I've got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the
perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first
time in history.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and
when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do
is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted
us. You are not my son."
"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I
just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among
thousands of my adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment,
there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of
rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their
lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad
daylight."
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says
"...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by w2ktechman
I wonder what Pizza would look like in it
:^0
by ontheropes
by sleepin'dawg
Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.
"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where you been for the past two
weeks? Nobody seen you around!"
"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."
"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been inna jail?"
"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and
the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."
"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!"
Luigi countered. "Yeah, but dis beach, she was a-screamin and a-
kickin and a-yellin".
[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)
by sleepin'dawg
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and
Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying,
"Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for
the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an
animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new
denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they
believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,
000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic."
[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)
by sleepin'dawg
Golfer at the dentist
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anythingto kill the pain.
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show him your tooth."
by w2ktechman
by sleepin'dawg
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to
Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend
remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth
hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200
mph when it hit me square in the nuts."
"What does that have to do with your teeth?" asked the first.
"Well" he explained, "That was the first time in two years my
teeth didn't hurt."
[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)
"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of sh!t." ;) :p :D
-Tammy :-)
by w2ktechman
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