After Hours·5,470 discussions

Friday Yuk

Locked

Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
“Look, I’ve got three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had
three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny and
potent all night?”

The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings
up a box labeled ‘Viagra Extra Strength’ containing single
wrapped packets. He says, “Take one of these and you’ll go crazy
for 12 hours.”

Crazy Mike replies, “Hell, gimme three”

The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and
asks,

“Well, how’d it go?”

In answer, Mike pulls down his pants, to display his penis that’s
black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights the
pharmacist had ever seen.

Crazy Mike says, “Gimme a tube of Ben Gay.”

The pharmacist replies in horror. “You’re not going to put Ben
Gay on that are you?”

Mike replies, “Hell, no, it’s for my arm. The girls didn’t show
up.”

Topic

Greeks vs. Italians

In reply to Friday Yuk

.
A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior
culture.
The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon!”
The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum!”

The Greek says, “We had great Mathematicians!”
The Italian says, “We had the Roman Empire!”
And so on and so on until the the Greek says: “We invented sex.”
The Italian nods, and says: “That is true, but it was the Italians who
introduced it to women.”

WHO DOES WHAT

In reply to Friday Yuk

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, “You should do it, because you get
up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says………. “HEBREWS”

Toughest cowboy ever

In reply to WHO DOES WHAT

Three cowboys are sitting round a fire. The first starts to tell yarns about
how he’s the toughest cowboy ever. The second disagrees, and starts to tell
stories about how he’s the toughest cowboy ever. The third just sits silently
by the fire, patiently stirring the coals with his penis.

Code Phrases for Stupid

In reply to Friday Yuk

Code Phrases for Stupid

1. A few clowns short of a circus

2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal

3. An experiment in artificial stupidity

4. A few beers short of a six-pack

5. Dumber than a box of hair

6. A few peas short of a casserole

7. Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box

8. The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s dead

9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl

10. One taco short of a combo plate

11. A few feathers short of a whole duck

12. All foam, no beer

13. The cheese slid off the cracker

14. Body by Fisher – Brains by Mattel

15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

17. Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way
down

19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

20. As smart as bait

21. Chimney’s clogged

22. Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash

23. Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair

24. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor

25. Forgot to pay his brain bill

26. Her sewing machine’s out of thread

27. His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels

28. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops

29. If he had another brain it would be lonely

30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control

31. No grain in the silo

32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

33. Receiver is off the hook

34. Several nuts short of a full pouch

35. Skylight leaks a little

36. Slinky’s kinked

37. Surfing in Nebraska

38. Too much yardage between the goal posts

a few moore

In reply to Code Phrases for Stupid

half a dozen sandwiches short of a picnic.
lighta are on, nobody’s home.
(s)he had two brain cells once, one got lost and the other went looking for it.
when they handed out brains, you thought they said TRAINS and askd for a steam engine, then forgot the fuel.
I would get into a battle of the wits with you, but I find it so boring fighting an unarmed opponent.

LOL — :^0

In reply to Code Phrases for Stupid

20. As smart as bait
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

I know several like this. Hmmm, isnt there a thread around here where this is evident???

Who says men don’t remember anniversaries?

In reply to Friday Yuk

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was
not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of
coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip
of his coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into
the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up from his coffee, “I am just remembering
when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.

You were only 16. Do you remember back then?” he asks
solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking
how caring and sensitive her husband is.

“Yes, I do” she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. ” Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a
chair beside him.

The husband continues. “Do you remember when he shoved
that shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter,
or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”

“I remember that, too” she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…”I would
have gotten out today.”

LOL!

In reply to Who says men don’t remember anniversaries?

Drinkin’ Quotes
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
–Ernest Hemmingway

He was a wise man who invented beer.
–Plato

Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
–Catherine Zandonella

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
–David Daye

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
–Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
–Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart

People who drink light “beer” don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
–Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
–Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
–George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
–Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
–For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
–Dean Martin

You’ve Got to Pay Attention to the Details

In reply to Friday Yuk

.

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
“Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”
The gas pumps, of course, didn’t respond.
The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty
attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, “Greetings earthling. We
come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader,
or I’ll fire!”
The other alien shouted to his comrade, “No, you don’t want to make him
mad!” But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the
desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the
other one and said, “What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us!
How did you know it was so dangerous?”
The other alien answered, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my
travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around
himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don’t mess with him.”

Don’t Jump In This Pond

In reply to Friday Yuk

http://www.break.com/index/dont-jump-in-this-pond.html

Nice one.

In reply to Don’t Jump In This Pond

Hey!!

In reply to Nice one.

It’s the deadwood guy..

I loved that show.

The perfect friday song for geeks

In reply to Friday Yuk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hXE9MwXBqU

A little something from “Da Vinci’s Notebook”

While we are at it

In reply to The perfect friday song for geeks

a little drink’en song….

Being Friday, we had to end up here…..

In reply to While we are at it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9iiU6NDxIo&feature=related

LMAO!!!

In reply to The perfect friday song for geeks

I had not heard that before. That is too funny!! 😀

“Who has time to sheep?” :D

In reply to LMAO!!!

Here is a song for all first born children! 😀

Code Monkey

In reply to “Who has time to sheep?” :D

I apologize in advance – Not “PC”

In reply to Friday Yuk

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of the door? Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a ditch? Phil
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in your hot tub? Stu
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on your BBQ grill? Frank
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs waterskiing? Skip
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves? Russell
Same guy after 6 months? Pete
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pool? Bob
What do you call his dog in the pool with no legs? Bob Barker
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on the wall? Art
And what do you call his arms and legs? Pieces of Art
What if he also doesn’t have a tongue? Tasteless Art
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs in the water? Swimming trunks
What do you call two guys with no arms & no legs hanging on a wall? Curt ‘n Rod
What do you call a guy with no legs and one arm, holding up your car? Jack
What do you call a guy with no feet? Neil
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter that the other? Eileen
An Asian woman with the same affliction? Irene
After the operation? Noleen
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef
What do you call a cow with only 2 legs? Lean Ground Beef
What do you call a cow that just had a calf? Decaffeinated.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs under a car? Axel
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs n a mailbox? Bill
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on the bottom of a pool? Duane
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs.in a bank? Buck
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on your shoulder? Chip
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs overed with oil? Derrick
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs with a spade? Doug
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs without a spade? Douglas
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs flying over the fence? Homer
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that sits on top of a podium? Mike
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a GMC? Jimmy
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the bathroom? John
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs impaled on a stick? Lance
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on a piece of paper? Mark
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a hole? Phil
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on a hill? Roland
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs with a pet rabbit? Warren
What do you call a gal with no arms and no legs on a tennis court? Annette
What do you call a gal with no arms and no legs on a dirt road? Dusty
What do you call a gal with no arms and no legs in a bag? Carrie
What do you call a gal with no arms and no legs floating on a pond? Lily
What do you call a gal with no arms and no legs hanging on a clothes line? Peg
What do you call a gal with no arms and no legs..between two slices of bread? Patty
What do you call a gal with no arms and no legs stuck on a fence? Barb
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs rolling around on the beach? Sandy

Non-PC also, I guess

In reply to I apologize in advance – Not “PC”

A man is running along the beach in the morning, and comes across a woman lying beside the ocean, with no arms and no legs, crying her eyes out.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“I’ve never been hugged before,” she replies. So he picks her up and hugs her. She smiles and thanks him. He puts her back down on the sand, and continues his morning jog.

Next morning, the man is running along the beach, and sees the same woman, same location, crying again.

“What’s wrong now?” he asks.

“I’ve never been kissed before,” she replies. So he picks her up and kisses her. She smiles and thanks him. He puts her back down on the sand, and continues his morning jog.

Next morning, the man is running along the beach, and sees the same woman, same location, crying yet again.

“What’s wrong this time.” he asks, annoyed.

“I’ve never been screwed before,” she replies. So he picks her up and throws her into the ocean.

“There,” the man yells to her. “Now you’re screwed!”

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

In reply to Friday Yuk

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You’re in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He’s a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son’s finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your
daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife’s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She’s a lawyer

Good: The postman’s early
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Luke Skywalker’s Christmas

In reply to Friday Yuk

In a cut sequence from the Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are fighting a duel to the death when suddenly Darth says to Luke:

“Not only am I your Father, but I also know what your getting for Christmas”

Taken aback by the change of subject and suspecting a trap, Luke replies cautiously:

“How could you possibly know what I’m getting for Christmas?”

Darth Vader…….”Because I’ve felt your presents….”

Hickbonics/English Dictionary

In reply to Friday Yuk

HEIDI – (noun):
Greeting.

HIRE YEW:
Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?”

BARD – (verb):
Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – (noun):
The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

BAMMER – (noun):
The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in
improvements.”

MUNTS – (noun):
A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him
in munts.”

THANK – (verb):
Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: “Ah thank a’ll have a bare.”

BARE – (noun):
An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT – (adjective):
Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – (noun):
A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother
from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – (noun):
A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – (noun):
A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck,
that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR – (noun):
A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in
my pickup truck.”

TIRE – (noun):
A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD – (verb):
To stop working.
Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT – (noun), (verb):
a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS – (noun):
Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN – (adjective):
Not domestic.
Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed…must be from some farn country.”

DID – (adjective):
Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – (noun):
A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: “He can’t breathe…give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR – (noun):
A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE – (noun) and (verb):
contraction.
Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence
cump’ny?”

HAZE:
a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah…haze ignert. He ain’t thanked in yars.”

SEED – (verb):
past tense of “to see”.

VIEW – contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City…view?”

GUBMINT – (noun):
A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.

Don’t Eat The Mushrooms

In reply to Friday Yuk

“I was married 3 times” explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, “and I’ll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.”

“That’s a shame.” said his friend , “How did it happen?”

“She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

Redneck reading test

In reply to Friday Yuk

MR Ducks
MR Not
OSAR
CM WINGS
LIB
MR Ducks

If you can read that, you might be a redneck.

and for thems that aint, it’s a debate between two fellows, One of whom is trying to convince the other that those are indeed, ducks. (read it fonetticklee) 😛

“When Insults had Class”

In reply to Redneck reading test

“When Insults had Class”
?He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.?

?Winston Churchill

?I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.?

?Clarence Darrow

?He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.?

?William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”

?Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

?I?ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn?t it.?

?Groucho Marx

?I didn?t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.?

?Mark Twain

?He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.?

?Oscar Wilde

?I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.?

?George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

?Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.?

?Winston Churchill?s response to George Bernard Shaw

?I feel so miserable without you; it?s almost like having you here.?

?Stephen Bishop

?He is a self-made man and worships his creator.?

?John Bright

?I?ve just learned about his illness. Let?s hope it?s nothing trivial.?

?Irvin S. Cobb

?He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.?

?Samuel Johnson

?He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.?

?Paul Keating

?He had delusions of adequacy.?

?Walter Kerr

?Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it??

?Mark Twain

?His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.?

?Mae West

?Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!?

?Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

?Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!?

?Winston Churchill?s response to Lady Astor

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”

?Moses Hadas

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”

?Jack E. Leonard

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”

?Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”

?Thomas Brackett Reed

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ? for support rather than illumination.”

?Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”

?Billy Wilder

?Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.?

?Oscar Wilde

“You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows.”

?The Earl of Sandwich

“That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles.”

?John Wilkes’s response to The Earl of Sandwich

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”

?Winston Churchill

A few items of [i]Wisdom[/i] for a slow Friday. ;)

In reply to Friday Yuk

Wisdom

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the che ese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. That’s the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21.. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?’
22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Lately, I’ve been hearing about all kinds of stuff with [i]Probiotics[/i].

In reply to A few items of [i]Wisdom[/i] for a slow Friday. ;)

If we take [i][u]anti[/i][/u]biotics to cure illnesses; what will [i][u]Pro[/i][/u]biotics do to us??? Make us ill??? Just idle pondering; not to be taken seriously.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Similarly,

In reply to Lately, I’ve been hearing about all kinds of stuff with [i]Probiotics[/i].

if [b]con[/b] is the opposite of [b]pro[/b], what is the opposite of progress?

I love how they word them…

In reply to Lately, I’ve been hearing about all kinds of stuff with [i]Probiotics[/i].

Probiotic BL regularis. Um, you do know whats its for…..

Actually anti-biotics often kill all the natural flora in your gut that you need, and you can help them with probiotics afterwards.

James

Geez James!!! Rain on the parade; why don’t you?? :^0

In reply to I love how they word them…

.

Ice cream

In reply to Friday Yuk

A woman walks into an ice cream parlor and the man behind the counter asks if he can help her.

“Yes, I’d like a gallon of chocolate, a gallon of vanilla and a gallon of strawberry.”

“Maam, we’re all out of chocolate, but I have all the vanilla and strawberry you need.”

“Okay, then, I’d like a half gallon of chocolate, a half gallon of vanilla and a half gallon of strawberry.”

The clerk replies, “Maam, did you not hear me clearly? I am out of chocolate, but I have plenty of vanilla and plenty of strawberry.”

“Okay, then, I’d like a quart of chocolate, a quart of vanilla and a quart of strawberry.”

The man is growing frustrated. “Am I not speaking loud enough? We are all out of chocolate. I have lots of vanilla and lots of strawberry to sell to you.”

“Okay, then, I’d like a pint of chocolate, a pint of vanilla and a pint of strawberry.”

The man, exasperated, then asks, “Would you do me a favor, maam? Spell the VAN in vanilla.”

“V-A-N.”

“Good! Now spell the STRAW in strawberry.”

“S-T-R-A-W.”

“Great! Now spell the F**K in chocolate.”

“Why, there IS no f**k in chocolate.”

“Thank you. I’m glad you finally understand me.”

Billy/Billie

In reply to Friday Yuk

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, Trailed by 15 kids.

“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “are they all yours?”

“Yep they are all mine,” the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.

She says, “Sit down Billy.” All the children rush to find seats.

“Well,” says the social worker, ‘then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s’ names.”

“Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Billy and the girls are all named Billie.”

In disbelief, the case worker. “Are you serious? They’re ALL named Billy?”

Their momma replied, ‘Well, yes…it makes it easier. When it’s time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Billy!’ And when it’s time for
dinner, I just yell ‘Billy!’ and they all comes a runnin. An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Billy’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Billy.”

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the
whole bunch?”

“Then I call them by their last names.”

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

In reply to Friday Yuk

[In case you haven’t caught this, yet]

Very Funny and Well Done!

[b]Aspiring super-villain Dr. Horrible (Neil Patrick Harris) wants to join the Evil League of Evil and win the girl of his dreams, but his nemesis, Captain Hammer (Nathan Fillion),…[/b]

http://www.hulu.com/watch/28343/dr-horribles-sing-along-blog

but be warned… it’s over 42 minutes long and you won’t want to interrupt the story.
🙂

Applying for a job

In reply to Friday Yuk

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, “We have an opening for people like you.”
“Oh, great,” the man said, “What is it?”
“It’s called the door!”.

Hahaha :D

In reply to Applying for a job

.

:^0 Thanks — I havent seen that one before

In reply to Applying for a job

short and good, all I like in a joke :^0

engineers vs. managers

In reply to Friday Yuk

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures – the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. “Isn’t that just like an engineer, we’re looking for the height and he gives us the length.”

whoopsie daisy

In reply to Friday Yuk

A guy goes to a psychiatrist because he?s having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asks him a lot of questions, but can?t get a clear read on the problems. Finally he asks, ?Do you ever watch your girlfriend?s face while you?re having sex??

?Well, yes, I did once.?

?Well, how did she look??

?Oh, boy, she looked very angry!?

At this point, the psychiatrist feels he?s really getting somewhere. ?Well that?s very interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend?s face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that one time??

?She was watching us through the window.?

Whoopsie daisy, part 2

In reply to Friday Yuk

There was a couple who were married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildont.

She gets completely upset, and screams, ?You impotent *sshat,? she screamed at him, ?how could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!?

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, ?I?ll explain the dildont if you can explain our three kids.?

“Senior” personal ads

In reply to Friday Yuk

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Some “Senior” personal ads seen in Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4″ (used to be 5’6″), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks

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