After Hours

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A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior
culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon!"
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum!"

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians!"
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire!"
And so on and so on until the the Greek says: "We invented sex."
The Italian nods, and says: "That is true, but it was the Italians who
introduced it to women."

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get
up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

Code Phrases for Stupid

1. A few clowns short of a circus

2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal

3. An experiment in artificial stupidity

4. A few beers short of a six-pack

5. Dumber than a box of hair

6. A few peas short of a casserole

7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl

10. One taco short of a combo plate

11. A few feathers short of a whole duck

12. All foam, no beer

13. The cheese slid off the cracker

14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel

15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way
down

19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

20. As smart as bait

21. Chimney's clogged

22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

25. Forgot to pay his brain bill

26. Her sewing machine's out of thread

27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops

29. If he had another brain it would be lonely

30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control

31. No grain in the silo

32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

33. Receiver is off the hook

34. Several nuts short of a full pouch

35. Skylight leaks a little

36. Slinky's kinked

37. Surfing in Nebraska

38. Too much yardage between the goal posts

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was
not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of
coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip
of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into
the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering
when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.

You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks
solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking
how caring and sensitive her husband is.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. " Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a
chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved
that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter,
or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would
have gotten out today."

.

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps, of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty
attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We
come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader,
or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him
mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the
desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the
other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us!
How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my
travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a ***** he can wrap around
himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

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