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  • #2151600

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by steffi28 ·

    It’s 1:30 here so it’s officially Friday!! Thought I’d start the Yuk as I’m awake 🙂

    Anyway before the jokes start I received the best piece of news about 10 minutes ago when I read about Microsoft’s press conference a few days ago, Final Fantasy XIII is not going to be Sony exclusive!! Best news I’ve heard all year, I was thinking of buying a PS3 just because I love FF and have every other game and had to have that one too, now I can stick with the only good thing MS have ever made and buy FF on my 360 😀 Anyway good news done with commence jokes 🙂

    Just for Scummy some church related jokes

    The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him.

    The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, ?Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job.?

    He says, ?You have sinned.?

    Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy answered, ?Oh, about five dollars.?

    ……………………………………………..

    Top Ten Things You Never Hear In Church

    1. Hey! It?s my turn to sit in the front pew.
    2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
    3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
    4. I?ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
    5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
    6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let?s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
    7. I love it when we sing hymns I?ve never heard before!
    8. Since we?re all here, let?s start the service early.
    9. Pastor, we?d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
    10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

    ……………………………………………..

    A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, ?I had an affair with a woman? almost.?

    The priest says, ?What do you mean almost??

    The man says, ?Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.?

    The priest replies, ?Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You?re not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.?

    The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

    The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, ?I saw that, you didn?t put any money in the poor box!?

    The man replied, ?Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!?

All Comments

  • Author
    Replies
    • #2926114

      You Wanna Earn $5 :D

      by w2ktechman ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      😡

    • #2926112

      Yes…it seems like Friday there…

      by mojodelirium ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      so enjoy…

      BTW…Mae hates this vid clip, but this li’l dingleberry gets me guffawing.

      • #2925974

        Im with Mae on this

        by dumphrey ·

        In reply to Yes…it seems like Friday there…

        Wow, he was so annoying I wanted to scream. All I noticed is that he kept rolling his eyes up and in, in a weirs cross-eyed look, like 2 times a minute…
        Maybe he needs to eat more carrots.

        • #2925971

          Dumphrey

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Im with Mae on this

          And the eye rolls are what cracks mojo up. I just don’t get it. Mostly, he has a very good sense of humor, then something like this comes along…

        • #2925967

          Its like Dumb and Dumber

          by dumphrey ·

          In reply to Dumphrey

          99% of my friends find it to be the funniest thing alive, mostly it makes me cringe in pain. But Woody Allen does much the same to me, and sadly, Will Farrell is beginning to have that effect.

        • #2925963

          Mostly, I like Woody Allen

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Its like Dumb and Dumber

          I really liked Manhattan Murder Mystery.

          Will Farrell? Not a big fan at all.

        • #2925960

          Dumbest movie…

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to Its like Dumb and Dumber

          I ever say. Hubby and brother were rolling with laughter though. I don’t get it. Agree re: Will Farrell, too. Bleah.

        • #2925962

          Yeah, I gotta agree…

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to Im with Mae on this

          he didn’t last long.

          I think Mae needs to take the shovel to Fred. Knock some sense into him, maybe.

    • #2926111

      Pizza Chimps Battle Flying Rodent

      by mojodelirium ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      • #2925957

        :D :D Idiots…

        by boxfiddler ·

        In reply to Pizza Chimps Battle Flying Rodent

        There was a ‘bat episode’ on campus last semester. People were utterly stupid over a poor little bat that was just hanging in a corner waiting for everyone to go away so it could get out of Dodge. I watched in amazement as people freaked and shrieked like mindless dimwits.

        • #2925947

          Now that video

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to :D :D Idiots…

          made me laugh. What a wussy.

      • #2925884

        LMAO

        by jellimonsta ·

        In reply to Pizza Chimps Battle Flying Rodent

        That was pretty funny!!!

    • #2926109

      Collection of ironic T-shirts…

      by mojodelirium ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      and mugshots. At the Smoking Gun, home of the mug shot.

      http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/0716081shirts1.html

    • #2926085

      3 things to ponder

      by w2ktechman ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Three things to ponder…
      1. Cows
      2. The Constitution
      3. The Ten Commandments

      C O W S: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during
      the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in
      Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the
      state of Washington ? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But
      they are unable to locate 21 million illegal aliens wandering around our
      country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

      T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N: The Government keeps talking about
      drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don’ t we just give them ours? It
      was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200
      years, and we’re not using it anymore.

      T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S: The real reason that w e can’t
      have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot
      post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’, ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, and ‘Thou
      Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and
      Politicians…It creates a hostile work environment.

    • #2925986

      no funny :(

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      have an earwig..please..someone..have mercy on me…

      I never needed love like I need you
      And I never lived for nobody, but I live for you
      Oooh, babe, lost in love is what I feel when I’m with you

      Maybe it’s the way you touch me with the warmth of a sun
      Maybe it’s the way you smile, I come all undone
      Oooh, babe, lost in love is that I feel when I’m with you

      etc etc etc etc

      • #2925985

        sjeeeesh, Shellbot

        by rob mekel ·

        In reply to no funny :(

        In what kinda mood are you in ?:|

        Rob

        • #2925980

          ughh

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to sjeeeesh, Shellbot

          have no idea..
          it just popped into my head..

          must have heard it somwehere on way to work this morning..
          its driving me mad

        • #2925933

          well Shell

          by jck ·

          In reply to ughh

          Might I interest ya in replacing that song in your head…with a fine Corrs tune? :^0 😉

      • #2925972

        Shell..

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to no funny :(

        There’s only one thing you can do.

        Wash your ears out with a bleach solution. I had to do that to get rid of Afternoon Delight.

        • #2925955

          Watching a funny cartoon helps

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Shell..

        • #2925941

          I’m going to have to stop…

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to Watching a funny cartoon helps

          clicking youtube links, after that. My brain is in pain.

        • #2925908

          Boxie doesn’t like cartoons?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I’m going to have to stop…

          😀

        • #2925944

          yikes

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Shell..

          i think if i had afternoon delight in my head i would actually use an electric drill to get it out..

        • #2925930

          ahhhhhhh

          by jck ·

          In reply to yikes

          gonna find my baby
          gonna hold her tight
          gonna grab some afternoon delight

          :^0 ]:) I am so evil 😉 😀

        • #2925909

          Read and enjoy

          by rfink ·

          In reply to ahhhhhhh

          Afternoon Delight
          The Starland Vocal Band

          Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
          gonna grab some afternoon delight.
          My motto’s always been; when it’s right, it’s right.
          Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night.
          When everything’s a little clearer in the light of day.
          And you know the night is always gonna be there any way.

          Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.

          Thinkin’ of you’s workin’ up my appetite
          looking forward to a little afternoon delight.
          Rubbin’ sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite
          and the thought of rubbin’ you is getting so exciting.

          Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.

          Started out this morning feeling so polite
          I always though a fish could not be caught who wouldn’t bite
          But you’ve got some bait a waitin’ and I think I might try nibbling
          a little afternoon delight.

          Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.

          Please be waiting for me baby when I come around.
          We could make a lot of lovin’ ‘for the sun goes down.

          Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.

          Repeat chorus.

        • #2925902
        • #2925864

          Thanks Mae..

          by gsg ·

          In reply to Shell..

          You just had to say it didn’t you?

          Now I have Afternoon Delight running through my brain..
          Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
          Gonna grab some afternoon delight
          My motto’s always been when it’s right it’s right
          And so on…

          You are evil and must be destroyed

      • #2925951

        TRy this Shell

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to no funny :(

        should take care of that for ya! B-)

    • #2925982

      May be to …

      by rob mekel ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      [b]just a blow job[/b]

      The couple gets to the girlfriend’s house after going out when they’re at the front door
      the boyfriend asked the girlfriend:

      “Before you go in , why don’t you give me a blow job?”
      She says: “what? Are u out of your mind?”
      “just a blow job , one really quick , come on baby”
      “are you crazy , what happens if somebody see us”
      ” oh come on .. Just lick the head then , please baby”
      “I already said no ? so quit asking for it”
      “I know you like to do it , so just do it please baby , I’m going to explode
      is just a blow job”
      “I said no , ok?”
      “come on , don’t be like that, just a blow job”

      In that moment the sister shows up at the front door wearing pijamas looking all
      sleepy and with her hair all crazy and says:

      “My dad says that you need to give your boyfriend a blow job , if you don’t want to, I’ll do
      it , if not , he said that he will come downstairs and he’ll give him the blow job , but please
      “ASK YOUR BOYFRIEND TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE SPEAKER AND LET US FUCKING SLEEP”

      • #2925906

        That was on youtube

        by rfink ·

        In reply to May be to …

        As a MasterCard commericial. 😀

        Edited: Added link

    • #2925981

      More fun …

      by rob mekel ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      [b]”SMART BLOND”[/b]

      Reporter: What does a UFO and a SMART BLOND have in comin?
      Citizen: I don’t know, what.
      Reporter: You hear about both of them, but never see them.

    • #2925975

      Poor Dave

      by bizzo ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Poor Dave had no ears.

      Sadly, Dave was born without ears. And although he proved to be successful in business, his lack of ears annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire anew manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

      The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
      “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice that you have no ears” came the reply.
      He did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

      The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. And he asked her the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”
      “Well,” she said, stammering, “You have no ears.” Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

      The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.
      Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?? Much to his surprise, the young man answered, “Yes, you wear contact lenses, don’t you?” Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person.

      “How in the world did you know that?”, he asked.
      The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no &^%$ ears!

    • #2925965

      Some of you will hate me for this

      by dumphrey ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      http://tinyurl.com/2g9mqh
      But I roll every time I see it. The hair, the clothes, the smooth dance moves…
      Some things are classic for a reason.
      Oh, and the song is okay too.

      • #2925958

        I hate you

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Some of you will hate me for this

        start peoples day with a rickrol… :0

        good thing I didn’t have the speakers on. would have had to hunt you down like a dog if you had implanted “never gunna pick you up” as an earwig! 😀

        Happy Friday. ;\

      • #2925952

        Sheesh.

        by boxfiddler ·

        In reply to Some of you will hate me for this

        Way too early in the morning for that. Stereo blasting time, now. Some Down To The Bone to clean my ears. 😀

        • #2925896

          XKCD had a good comic about rickrolling

          by dumphrey ·

          In reply to Sheesh.

          a while back… hacking their irs files so they get audited as revenge if i remember right.
          For the life of me I cant find it…

      • #2925883

        Turnabout being fair play…

        by boxfiddler ·

        In reply to Some of you will hate me for this

    • #2925959

      25 ways to know your grown up

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      25 ways to know your grown up

      1. Your house plants are alive & you can’t smoke any of them.

      2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

      3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

      4. 06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

      5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

      6. You watch the Weather Channel.

      7 . Your friends marry & divorce instead of hook up & break up.

      8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

      9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

      10. You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
      won’t turn down the stereo.

      11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

      12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

      13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

      14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

      15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

      16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

      17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
      one.

      18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
      rather than settle, your stomach.

      19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
      pregnancy tests.

      20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff”.

      21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

      22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never going
      to drink that much again”.

      23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

      24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

      25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
      doesn’t apply to you.

    • #2925946

      And old biker walks into a tavern….

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      An old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and
      sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

      CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

      CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

      HAND JOB: $1,000

      Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
      and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving
      drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

      ‘Yes?’ she inquires with a knowing smile, ‘Can I help you?’

      ‘I was wondering,’ whispers the old biker, ‘are you the young lady who
      gives the hand jobs?’

      ‘Yes,’ she purrs, ‘I am.’

      The old biker replies, ‘Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.’

    • #2925942

      marriage..

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Heat Wave
      Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave. As he got out of the shower he said to his wife:

      “It’s just too hot to wear clothes today honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”

      “Probably that I married you for your money.”
      *****
      Shopping
      A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart’s and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.

      ?What do you think you’re doing?? asks the wife.

      ?They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,? he replies.

      ?Put them back, we can’t afford them,? demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

      A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.

      ?What do you think you’re doing?? asks the husband.

      ?Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,? replies the wife.

      Her husband retorts: ?So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.?
      *****
      Italian Present
      This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about
      a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together.
      The Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was
      the son of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday.
      Well, for their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a
      Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta.

      The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their
      presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each
      other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and
      his father is NOT pleased!

      “What’re you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!! Some
      day you’re gonna meet a nice girl, you’re gonna wanna settle
      down and get married. You’ll have a few kids, all that stuff.
      THEN one day, you’re gonna come home and find your wife in bed
      with another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your
      watch and say, ‘Hey, how long you gonna be?'”

      • #2925940

        Lawyers

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to marriage..

        A Worthwhile Burial
        A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. “Only a shilling?” said the Justice, “Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here’s a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them.”
        ***
        Night At The Barn
        A lawyer and two friends–a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man–had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

        The farmer said, “There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.”

        “No problem,” chimed the Rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening.” With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

        Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer. He replied, “I am grateful to you, but I just can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”
        His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. “What’s wrong?” the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, “I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

        That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer’s door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
        ***
        My Daddy Is A Lawyer
        While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

        “My name is Joshua. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

        “Adam,” replied the second.

        “My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?” asked Joshua.

        Adam proudly replied, “My daddy is a lawyer.”

        “Honest?” asked Joshua.

        “No, just the regular kind,” replied Adam

        ****
        Ounces Of Brain For Sale
        A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

        “How much does it cost for engineer brain?”

        “Three dollars an ounce.”

        “How much does it cost for programmer brain?”

        “Four dollars an ounce.”

        “How much for lawyer brain?”

        “$1,000 an ounce.”

        “Why is lawyer brain so much more?”

        “Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”
        ****
        Honest Lawyer
        An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
        ‘As I’m sure you can understand,’ she started off with one of the first applicants, ‘in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.’ She leaned forward. ‘Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?’

        ‘Honest?’ replied the job prospect. ‘Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.’

        ‘Impressive….. And what sort of case was that?’

        The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, ‘He sued me for the money.’
        ****
        Generous Lawyer
        A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

        “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

        The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

        Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”

        The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

        The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

        “or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

        The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

        On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

    • #2925926

      Farmer’s Daughters

      by netman1958 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A city guy is looking for a little rest and relaxation,so he calls his friend, the farmer, and asks if he can stay with him for a few days…the farmer said “yes, but you will have to take out my 2 daughters Nelly and Vicky.” He agrees,packs his bag and heads out to the farm, stays there for a few days,he took the daughters Nelly and Vicky out as promised and heads back to the city…a few months later the city guy get’s a letter, and it reads…

      Are you the one that did the pushin?
      Left the stains upon the cushion?
      left the footprints on the dashboard upside down?
      Well my older daughter Nelly, has a swelling in her belly. Don’t you think it’s time to visit our fair town?

      Aout a week later the farmer get’s a letter back and it reads….

      Yes I’m the one that did the pushin.
      Left the stains upon the cushion. Left the footprints on the dashboard upside down.
      But your younger daughter Vicky left an itchy in my dicky, don’t you think we’re 50/50?

    • #2925921

      10 Things Men Know About Women

      by bizzo ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      10 Things Men Know About Women:

      1.
      2.
      3.
      4.
      5.
      6.
      7.
      8.
      9.
      10 Women have breasts

      • #2925912

        Women pass less gas

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to 10 Things Men Know About Women

        they don’t shut up long enough to build up the pressure… :0 😀

        • #2925893

          HAHAHAHHAH!

          by dumphrey ·

          In reply to Women pass less gas

          Omg, Im surprised I get to be first to respond to this.
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5n6chxpEINs
          its my story, Im sticking to it…
          (This is what I normally use to “rickroll”, but bananaroll is to long to type and sounds like bad sushi…

        • #2925879

          That was actually one of the few comments

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to HAHAHAHHAH!

          that I let slip to my boys about their female-parental-unit. (I try to NEVER talk badly about her in front of them).

          We were watching tv and typical fart humor came on, and being the dumb cavemen we are, we were laughing. There was a part where women farted, and what slipped out was “yeah, your mother never farted much because she didn’t shut up long enough to build up the pressure”.

          Through their tears of laughter, they told me I was mean…. :p 😀 ;\

          And I am…. ]:)

        • #2925860

          I have no children of my own

          by dumphrey ·

          In reply to That was actually one of the few comments

          but I know what you mean by “what slipped out was….” I have those moments with other peoples children.

          “Common Sophie, say “Daddy is a poopie head! you can do it… good Girl!”

    • #2925817

      33 steps toward personal growth and life fulfillment

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      33 steps toward personal growth and life fulfillment

      1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

      2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

      3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

      4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

      5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

      6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

      7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

      8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

      9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.

      10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

      11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

      12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

      13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

      14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

      15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

      16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

      17. I am at one with my duality.

      18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

      19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

      20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

      21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

      22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so!”

      23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

      24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

      25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

      26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute….
      I’ll find someone.

      27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

      28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

      29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

      30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

      31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.

      32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

      33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’s a mile away and barefoot.

      • #2925816

        Who Wants to be a Millionaire…

        by critch ·

        In reply to 33 steps toward personal growth and life fulfillment

        A blonde named Barbara is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire…
        Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever Million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong you will
        drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?”
        Barbara: “Sure I’ll have a go”
        Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it…….. A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush.
        “Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.
        Barbara: ” I think I know who it…….. but I’m not 100%….No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis just to be sure.
        Regis: “Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
        Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Carol back home in Brooklyn.” (ringing)
        Carol (also a blonde): “Hello…”
        Regis: “Hello Carol, its Regis Philbin here from
        Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to become a Millionaire. The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer —
        fire away Barbara.”
        Barbara: “Carol, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest?
        Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush
        Carol: “Oh Gees, Barbara that’s simple…..It’s a Cuckoo.
        Barbara: “You think?”
        Carol: “I’m sure.”
        Barbara: ” Thanks Carol.” (hangs up) Regis: “Well, do you want to stick to $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”
        Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo Regis: “Is that your final answer?”
        Barbara: “It is.”
        Regis: “Are you confident?”
        Barbara: “Yes fairly, Carol’s a sound bet.”
        Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo …you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.”
        (clapping) That night Barbara calls round to Carol and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Carol and asks “Tell me Carol, How in God’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

        Carol: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.”

      • #2925813

        Famous Last Words

        by critch ·

        In reply to 33 steps toward personal growth and life fulfillment

        Mister? How come there’s no windows in your van?

        Boy, in the everglades, your golf ball almost looks like an eye.

        Mary Todd, I know it’s boring. Give it till’ intermission.

        Mr. Gacy I’m done with your lawn.

        Shaaaaaaaaron, some hippies need to use the phone.

        Before we land ze airship?someone has a birthday!

        Pssst LBJ. Marilyn likes me tan. Put the top down.

        Ted you’re drunk. Ted look at me.

        Those paparazzi flashbulbs have got me seeing spots. Hey a dark tunnel!

        A ham sandwich would be groovy. No. Nothing to drink.

        by Paul Gilmartin

      • #2925812

        HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

        by critch ·

        In reply to 33 steps toward personal growth and life fulfillment

        Luv my puppies…..

        Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out
        light bulb?

        Border Collie: Just one. And I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

        Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

        Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

        Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

        Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

        Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

        Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he’s busy.

        Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

        Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

        Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

        Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

        Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

        Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I’ve got a hangover.

        Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…

        Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

        Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

        Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

    • #2925098

      Changes in the New “Wizard of Oz”…

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      BACKGROUND: The classic movie “The Wizard of Oz” has recently been re-released here in the U.S.

      The Top 13 Changes in the New “Wizard of Oz”

      13> Newly-restored scene shows the Munchkins asking the Wizard for testicles.

      12> Scarecrow, Tinman and Cowardly Lion now referred to as the “PETA-Approved Crow-Frightening Person of Straw”, the “Non Gender Specific Recycled Metallic American”, and the “Assertiveness-Challenged Feline.”

      11> “Wicked Witch of the West” replaced by
      “Misguided Independent Counsel of the Beltway”

      10> Restored scene in which Jabba the Hutt advises Dorothy not to dump the ruby lippers at the first sign of monkey bat attack.

      9> Dorothy clicks her heels and says, There’s no place like the mall.”

      8> Victim of a careless oversight in 1939, Bob Dole is finally credited for his role as “Elderly Farm Hand #2.”

      7> “Come with us to the Emerald City! I’m sure the Wizard can help you find the real killers!”

      6> Dorothy wakes up in rehab and swears she’ll lay off the stuff forever.

      5> Through the magic of special effects, all munchkins now played by Danny DeVito, Gary Coleman and Michael J. Fox.

      4> Then: “Poppies! Poppies! Poppies!”
      Now: “Dude, I can’t find a vein!”

      3> Vanilla Dot and little T-Dogg barely survive the drive-by from the Munchkrips.

      2> “PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THAT INTERN!!!”

      and Top5’s Number 1 Change in the New “Wizard of Oz”…

      1> Tin Man axes Toto after hearing “Yo quiero Taco Bell” for the zillionth time.

    • #2925097

      You can help..

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Give a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
      Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

    • #2925086

      Stranded

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

      “Who is that man… and why is he so upset?” a passenger asks the ship’s captain.

      “I have no idea,” says the captain; “but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy.”

    • #2925083

      Help I need a push…

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

      “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3 o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed. “Who was that?” asked his wife.

      “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
      “Did you help him?” she asks.
      “No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”
      “Well, you have a short memory,” says his
      wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

      The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

      “Yes” comes back the answer.

      “Do you still need a push?”, calls out the husband.

      “Yes, please!” came the reply from the dark.

      “Where are you?” asks the husband.

      “Over here on the swing!” replies the drunk.

    • #2925082

      Pete & Gladys go shopping

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.

      Pete said to the salesman, “We really like it, but I don’t think we can afford it.”

      The salesman said, “You just make a small down payment, and then you don’t make another payment for six months.”

      Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, “Who told you about us?”

      • #2925079

        Start at the Very Beginning…

        by critch ·

        In reply to Pete & Gladys go shopping

        Start at the Very Beginning

        When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

        “I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”

        “Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth…”

      • #2925075

        Two Ways to Look at Everything

        by critch ·

        In reply to Pete & Gladys go shopping

        My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

        My wife asks, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend.

        I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

        “My God!” says my wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

        So you see — there really are two ways to look at everything.

    • #2925073

      Especially at $4 a gallon

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

      She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.

      Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
      spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient

      Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

      As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.”

    • #2925057

      The Senator’s Election

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

      “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

      “No problem, just let me in,” says the senator.

      “Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

      “There’s no need! I want to be in Heaven,” says the senator.

      “I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

      Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

      Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

      So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

      “Well, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity.”

      He reflects for a minute and then answers, “Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell.”

      So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it’s hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.

      Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.

      “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable.”

      The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us.”

    • #2925054

      A mechanic….

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A mechanic from Minneapolis is being treated at the Mayo Clinic for addiction to brake fluid. He said he could stop anytime.

    • #2925052

      In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      one of SWMBO’s favs-

      After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. “So, how is everything going?” inquired God.

      “It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful,
      but I have just one problem.

      It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,” reported Eve.

      And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc……….she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced,” as she put it.

      “That is a fair point,” replied God, “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.”

      And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

      Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden “Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?”

      “Just fantastic,” she replied, “But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”

      God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let’s see…………where did I put the useless boob?

      Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

    • #2925025

      Three men were asked…

      by mojodelirium ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      …what they would want to be said about them at their funerals. The first one said, ?I want someone to say I was a wonderful father.?

      The second man said, ?I want someone to say I was the greatest baseball player ever.?

      The last man said, “I want someone to say, ?He?s moving, he?s moving!?

    • #2925023

      A hillbilly is sitting in a bar, drinking…

      by mojodelirium ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      …when a woman sidles up next to him. ?You?re cute,? says the woman. ?Do you want to go back to my place and have some nasty sex??

      ?You bet!? exclaims the hillbilly. ?But I have to tell you, I?m a virgin. I?ve always been scared because my mom told me that women have sharp teeth between their legs, and sometimes they bite.?

      ?Don?t worry,? the woman says, and the two head back to her place, where she strips and shows the hillbilly her private parts. ?Now, does it look like I have teeth down there?? she asks.

      ?How could you possibly have teeth down there?? he says.

      ?Look at the shape your gums are in!?

    • #2915238

      Some more giggles

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. ?What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?? asks the cop.

      ?I?m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.?

      ?Oh yeah?? says the doubtful cop. ?Lets see you do it.? The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

      A couple driving by slows down to watch. ?Wow,? says the driver to his wife. ?I?m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they?re giving now!?

      ………………………..

      An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses.

      The Captain looked in his book of record and said, ?But you just got a new pair last month!?

      ?Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,? stammered the private.

      ?Accident, what kind of an accident?? The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, ?Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident??

      ?No, no nothing of those?? said the private.

      ?Well then, what is it??

      ?I?d rather not tell you sir??

      ?Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses,? said the medical officer, ready to stand up, ?I?ve to see my patients now.?

      ?No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl,? blurted the private.

      ?Don?t be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl??

      ?You see, she crossed her legs?..?

      • #2917278

        Hi Steffi good to see you back

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Some more giggles

        Now are you going to actually work at passing Uni this year?

        Col

      • #2917253

        I half expected it to say

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to Some more giggles

        “Oh yeah?? says the doubtful cop. ?Lets see you do it.? The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.”

        Then the cop pulled out his club and beat down the juggler, causing his fiery balls to fall all over.
        :0

        Ahh, the Warped mind :^0

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