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  • #2149646

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by shellbot ·

    Right, I’m a bit early..but since I actually have to work at my new job I don’t have much time to hang out on here anymore 🙁

    Anywho’s..happy friday you slackers!

    Dirty Magazines
    One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

    She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

    He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

    She finally asked him, “Well what should we do about this?”

    Dad looked at her and said, “Well, I don’t think you should spank him.”

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    • #2913527

      And another

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      At the Zoo with Dad
      A five year old boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit.

      “That’s an elephant”, the mother said.

      After the child repeated after her, he asked, “Mommy? What’s that thing hanging down from the elephant?”

      The mother replied, “That’s his trunk, sweetheart.”

      “No, no”, said the child, “Behind that!”

      “Oh, that’s his tail”, she said.

      “No, no!” the boy exclaimed. “That thing in the middle!”

      The woman was flustered and replied, “Uhhhh, that’s nothing, honey!” And they moved on…..

      The next weekend, the boy’s father came to pick him up and the child cried, “Daddy, let’s go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!”

      The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, “Elephant!”

      “Very GOOD”, beamed the father. “I’m proud of you for remembering all these animals!”

      The boy asked, “Daddy? What’s that thing hanging down on the elephant?”

      The father replied, “That’s his trunk.”

      “No!”, the boy moaned, “Behind that!”

      “That’s his tail”, the father replied.

      “No, no! That thing in the middle!”

      The father stammered, “Er…what did your mother say it was?”

      “She said it was nothing!”

      “Well”, the man said, puffing out his chest. “Your mother’s spoiled!”

      *******

      Father’s Advice
      It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.
      “That’s cool” says Bobby. Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do.
      Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
      Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie’s dad to repeat it.
      “Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”
      Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
      A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
      About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, “DAMMIT DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

      • #2913510

        “DAMMIT DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!” :^0 :^0

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to And another

        So where is Carrie these days?

      • #2913325

        Twist :D :D :D

        by rob mekel ·

        In reply to And another

        .

    • #2913491

      :D :D :D

      by boxfiddler ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      .

    • #2913415

      A 6 year olds marriage plan

      by hal 9000 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
      across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in
      handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. “That’s a serious
      step,” he said. “Have you thought it out completely?”

      “Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the
      next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get
      scared of the dark.”

      “How about transportation?” the father asked.
      “I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy
      answered.

      The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in
      exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you’re married,
      you’re liable to have babies, you know.”

      “We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied. “We’re not
      going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on
      it!”

      See I’m really quite nice. 😀

      Col ]:)
      Now who stole all my good jokes. :_|

    • #2913353

      Genie in a boat…

      by router boy ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
      a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one
      of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
      would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
      castaways, a genie came forth. This Particular genie, however, stated
      that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without
      giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire
      ocean into beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
      and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled
      by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle
      lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men
      considered their circumstances.

      One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
      After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going! Now we’re
      going to have to piss in the boat.”

      • #2913352

        Good, Better, Best

        by router boy ·

        In reply to Genie in a boat…

        GOOD:
        In Seattle, WA A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem- a 12- year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read ‘RADAR TRAP AHEAD’.
        The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading ‘TIPS’ and a bucket full of money.
        (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

        BETTER:
        A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Silverdale , WA A $40 speeding ticket was included.
        Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
        The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

        BEST:
        A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A WA State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, ‘I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper’s Ball.’
        He replied, ‘ Washington State Troopers don’t have balls.’
        There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

    • #2913323

      yet another Twist ;)

      by rob mekel ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A man walks along, and sees an old man sitting on a park bench. The old man is perhaps eighty, and is crying his eyes out.

      The first man approaches the elderly one and asks “What’s wrong?”

      The elderly fellow replies. “I just married a twenty-year old girl, and…”

      The first man prods him: “And? Do you have troubles with…”

      “Oh, no, no. I have incredible stamina for a man my age, and we make love twenty-three times a day.”

      The first man, obviously surprised, asks “So what’s wrong?”

      “I forgot where I live!” bawls the old man.

    • #2905344

      Happy Anniversary!

      by iam_mordac ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

      Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

      Henry was stunned by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'”

      “Let’s see,” Martha said. “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

      Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

      Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

      “I recall that,” said Henry “And you did it to save my life, so I of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

      “Alright,” Martha said, a little more hesitant. “So do you remember when you ran for president of the yacht club, and you needed 73 more votes…?”

    • #2905326

      Shell

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      I love this one!

      I’ve told this joke three times today and gotten an out loud each time with it..

      Of course, any stories about Jaqui’s childhood will always be entertaining.

    • #2905310

      32 of the Greatest Insults Ever

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      32 Greatest Insults

      Your teeth are so yellow, I can’t believe it’s not butter.

      I know cement that gets hard faster than you.

      Tell your mother to stop wearing different colored lipstick, I am
      getting a damn rainbow around my p*ick.

      Go floss your teeth with the sweaty hairs on my ass.

      Nice face…what are you going to do when the baboon wants his ass
      back.

      Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?”

      Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your
      wife.”

      “How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?”

      “I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
      having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

      “I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in
      Hell til I met you.”

      “Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help
      but wonder: What the *uck was I thinking?”

      “As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here
      to ruin it for me.”

      “If I can get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your
      sister.”

      “As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me.
      Like the need for therapy…”

      “Thanks for being a part of my life!! I never knew what evil was
      before this!”

      “Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to
      take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

      “Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with boobs
      that are bigger than mine.”

      “Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…Almost Lifelike!

      “Congratulations on getting Married! It’s not every day you decide
      to ruin your life!”

      “I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I’m
      dreaming, I wish you weren’t so damn ugly.”

      “Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but
      nobody’s stupid enough to admit it.”

      “When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that
      we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

      “I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best
      friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

      “We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it
      quits.”

      “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.”
      “Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out
      who the father was?”

      “You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
      there was only one life jacket…I’d miss you heaps and think of you
      often.”

      “If you didn’t have any money, I’d still love you. And miss you very
      much.”

      You are so ugly the last time you got a piece of ass was when your
      hand slipped through the toilet paper.

    • #2905308

      ?Those amazing Americans?

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      ?Those amazing Americans?

      A boat docked in a tiny Canadian town. An American tourist complimented
      the Canadian fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it
      took him to catch them.

      “Not very long,” answered the Canadian.
      “But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the
      American.

      The Canadian explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his
      needs and those of his family.

      The American asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

      “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a nap with
      my wife. In the evenings, I go into town to see my friends, have a few
      drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs… I have a full life.”

      The American interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help
      you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell
      the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger
      boat.”

      “And after that?” asked the Canadian.

      “With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second
      one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of
      trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then
      negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your
      own plant. You can then leave this little town and move to Toronto,
      Ottawa or maybe Vancouver! From there you can direct your huge new
      enterprise.”

      “How long would that take?” asked the Canadian.

      “Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American.

      “And after that?”

      “Afterwards? Well my Friend, That’s when it gets really interesting,”
      answered the American, laughing. “When your business gets really big,
      you can start selling stocks and make millions!”

      “Millions? Really? And after that?” said the Canadian.

      “After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a small town near the
      city, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a nap
      with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your
      friends.”

      And the moral is:

      Know where you’re going in life… you may already be there.

    • #2905307

      AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS…..PLEASE READ!

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      .
      .
      .

      [b][i]AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS…..PLEASE READ![/i][/b]

      Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.

      Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!

      Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –

      Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

      This is how it manifests:

      I decide to water my garden.

      As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

      I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

      As I start toward the garage,

      I notice mail on the porch table that

      I brought up from the mail box earlier.

      I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

      I lay my car keys on the table,

      put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

      and notice that the can is full.

      So, I decide to put the bills back

      on the table and take out the garbage first.

      But then I think,

      since I’m going to be near the mailbox

      when I take out the garbage anyway,

      I may as well pay the bills first.

      I take my check book off the table,

      and see that there is only one check left.

      My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

      so I go inside the house to my desk where

      I find the can of Coke I’d been drinking.

      I’m going to look for my checks,

      but first I need to push the Coke aside

      so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

      The Coke is getting warm,

      and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

      As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,

      a vase of flowers on the counter

      catches my eye–they need water.

      I put the Coke on the counter and

      discover my reading glasses that

      I’ve been searching for all morning.

      I decide I better put them back on my desk,

      but first I’m going to water the flowers.

      I set the glasses back down on the counter,

      fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

      Someone left it on the kitchen table.

      I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

      I’ll be looking for the remote,

      but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,

      so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

      but first I’ll water the flowers.

      I pour some water in the flowers,

      but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

      So, I set the remote back on the table,

      get some towels and wipe up the spill.

      Then, I head down the hall trying to

      remember what I was planning to do.

      At the end of the day:

      the car isn’t washed

      the bills aren’t paid

      there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

      the flowers don’t have enough water,

      there is still only 1 check in my check book,

      I can’t find the remote,

      I can’t find my glasses,

      and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

      Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

      I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,

      and I’m really tired.

      I realize this is a serious problem,

      and I’ll try to get some help for it,

      but first I’ll check my e-mail….

      Do me a favor.

      Forward this message to everyone you know,

      because I don’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.

      Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!

    • #2905306

      Adult Nursery Rhymes

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Mary had a little pig,
      She kept it fat and plastered;
      And when the price of pork went up,
      She shot the little bastard.
      *****************************

      Mary had a little lamb
      Her father shot it dead.
      Now it goes to school with her,
      Between two hunks of bread.
      *****************************
      Jack and Jill went up the hill
      To have a little fun.
      Stupid Jill forgot the pill
      And now they have a son.
      *****************************

      Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
      Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
      All the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men.
      Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

      *********************************
      Hey Diddle Diddle, the cat took a piddle,
      All over the bedside clock.
      The little dog laughed to see such fun,
      Then died of electric shock.
      *********************************

      Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
      Kissed the girls and made them cry.
      And when the boys came out to play,
      He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.
      **********************************
      There was a little girl who had a little curl
      Right in the middle of her forehead.
      When she was good, she was very, very good.
      But when she was bad……..
      She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports
      car.

    • #2905155

      Ah, Computers

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Ah, Computers!

      We’ve all seen the Bill Gates line*, “640K [of RAM] ought to be enough for
      anybody”, so how about some wisdom from others who were a tad more accurate?
      *though he denies saying it: see Wired on the subject.
      —–
      A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
      –Joseph Campbell

      A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human
      history–with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. –Mitch Ratliffe

      A human being is a computer’s way of making another computer. Yes, we are their
      sex organs. –Solomon Short

      All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts
      you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can’t get them
      together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer. –IBM
      maintenance manual, 1925

      Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. –Pablo Picasso

      Computers will never take the place of books. You can’t stand on a floppy disk
      to reach a high shelf. –Sam Ewing

      Don’t explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins. –Robert
      Heinlein (in “The Moon is a Harsh Mistress”)

      Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. –Jeff Pesis

      It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were
      part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods.
      –Geraldine Ferraro

      Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft …and the only one that
      can be mass produced with unskilled labor. –Wernher von Braun

      No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it’s doing; but
      most of the time, we aren’t either. –Marvin Minsky

      One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a
      cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. –Jack Handey

      There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer. –J.H. Goldfuss

      They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
      –Janet Reno

      The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by
      accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause
      accidents. –Nathaniel Borenstein

      To err is human — and to blame it on a computer is even more so. –Robert Orben

      Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea — massive,
      difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of
      mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. –Gene Spafford

      Wow! They’ve got the Internet on computers now! –Homer Simpson

    • #2905122

      The All Female Crew

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.”

      Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?” When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”

      “Yes,” said the attendant, In fact, this entire crew is female.”

      “My God,” said Joe, “I’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think of all those women up there in the cawkpit.”

      “That’s another thing sir,” said the attendant, We no longer call it the cawk pit. Now it’s the box office.” 😉 :0

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2905118

      Alligator Shoes

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.

      She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
      way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were
      asking.

      After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle on prices” attitude
      of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Well then, maybe I’ll just
      go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!”

      The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, “Little lady, just go and
      give it a try!” The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to
      catch an alligator.

      Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to
      the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist
      deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

      Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
      With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the
      slimy bank of the swamp.

      Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their
      backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

      The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her
      eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out .

      “SH!T… THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT TOO!”

    • #2905117

      Amen Sister!

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.
      “Reverend,” he said, “we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep
      during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful.
      What should I do?”

      “I’ve noticed this and have an idea if you’re up to the task,” said the
      minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs.
      Jones is sleeping and I will motion to you at specific times. When I
      motion, you give her a good poke in the leg.”

      In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the
      preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for
      you?” he said, nodding at Mr. Jones.

      “Jesus!” Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with
      the sharp object.

      “Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones,” came the minister’s quick reply.
      Soon Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again the minister noticed.

      “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr.
      Jones.

      “My God!” howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin again.

      “Right again!” bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.

      Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister
      did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
      hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with
      the hatpin again.

      The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam before she bore him his
      99th son?”

      As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife’s thigh with the hatpin
      piercing her skin she screamed, “You stick that freaking thing in me one
      more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”

      AMEN!” replied all the women in the congregation as they rose to clap.

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2905116

      An Important Management Lesson

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Subject: Management Lesson #1

      Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office…..but she
      belonged to someone else…

      One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,
      “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.”

      The girl said, ” NO.”

      Johnny said, “I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, You
      bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up”

      She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
      boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story

      The boyfriend said, “Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very
      fast. He won’t even be able to get his pants down.”

      She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the
      boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45
      minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened……

      She said, “The bastard used quarters!”

      Management Lesson #1: Always consider a business proposal in it’s
      entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2905114

      A Traditional Irish Wedding

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      The wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep
      tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom’s
      families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception
      room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police
      were called in to break up the fight.

      The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

      The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally
      brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, “Silence in
      Court!”

      The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and
      say’s. “Judge… I was the best man at the wedding and I think I
      should explain what happened.”

      The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

      Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is
      traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first
      dance with the Bride.

      The Judge says,” OK”.

      “Well,” said Paddy, “after I had finished the first dance, the
      music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and
      after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third
      song…when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran
      towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her
      privates.”

      The Judge instantly responded, “God… that must have hurt!”

      Paddy replies; “HURT!!… he broke three of my bloody fingers”

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2905111

      A Weird Quiz and its Scary Answers

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Management Lesson #2

      Question 1:

      If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three
      who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she
      had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

      Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this
      one.

      Question 2:

      It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts.

      Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

      Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
      astrologists. He’s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and
      drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

      Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,
      used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

      Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t
      smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn’t had any extramarital affairs.

      Which of these candidates would be your choice?

      Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

      ———————————————————–

      Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

      Candidate B is Winston Churchill

      Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

      And by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said
      yes, you just killed Beethoven.

      Pretty interesting isn’t it?

      Management Lesson#2

      Makes a person think before judging someone.

      Remember amateurs built the ark – Professionals built the Titanic.

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2905109

      An Old Retired Sailor

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads to the
      docks once more for old times sake.

      He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

      He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but
      needing some reassurance, he asks, ” How am I doing ?”

      The prostitute replies, “Well old sailor, you’re doing about 3 knots”.

      “Three knots!” he asks, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

      She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot
      getting your money back !”

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2905108

      An Anatomy Lesson

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      .
      The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his
      father,
      “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”

      The father,surprised, answers, “Well son, there’s three kinds of
      breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round
      & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a
      bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

      “Onions??”

      Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.”

      This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, ” Mom,
      how many types of “willies” are there?”

      The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man
      goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak
      tree, mighty and hard. In his thrities & forties, It’s like a birch tree,
      flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

      “A Christmas tree??”

      “Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2905107

      And You Thought YOU Were Having a Bad Day……..

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Having a bad day????

      In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the
      same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of
      their medical condition.

      This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to
      do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why
      the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide
      team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the
      incidents.

      The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the
      doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for
      themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
      holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward
      off the evil spirits.

      Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time
      Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
      system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

      Having a Bad Day????

      The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil
      spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the
      most expensively saved animals were being released back into the
      wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

      A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

      Still think you are having a Bad Day????

      A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
      frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
      running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to
      jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
      plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

      …Up until that moment, he had been happily listening to his new
      Walkman.

      STILL think you’re having Bad Day????

      Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending
      pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two
      thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
      stampeding madly.

      The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

      What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

      Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter
      bomb, so it came back to him with “Return to Sender” stamped on it.
      Forgetting the envelope contained his own bomb, he opened it …and
      was blown to bits.

      You just have to love the last one.

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2905106

      Animal Cruelty

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast.
      However, his mother says, “You don’t get any breakfast until you do your
      chores.”
      A little ticked off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the
      cow, he kicks it.

      When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs,
      he kicks one of them.
      When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
      “Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?” asks the little boy.
      His mother replies, “I saw you kick the cow, so you don’t get any milk; I saw
      you kick a chicken so you don’t get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don’t
      get any bacon!”
      Just as she finishes saying this, the boy’s father comes down the stairs and
      kicks the cat.
      The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, “Do you want to tell him, or
      should I?”

    • #2905104

      Another Enron?

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Another Enron?

      I normally avoid discussing any advice received from my broker but felt
      this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive
      situation might prove to be another ENRON.

      Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
      American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, or the Northern
      Tissue Company.

      Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your
      American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be
      interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and
      millions were wiped clean

    • #2905103

      Another “Fictional” Lawyer Story?

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      .

      Another “Fictional” Lawyer Story?

      The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from
      the city’s most successful trial lawyer. So a United Way volunteer
      paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

      The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that
      even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you
      don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something
      back to your community through the United Way?”

      The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research
      also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
      and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to
      pay?”

      Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh… no, I didn’t know
      that.”

      “Secondly,” says the lawyer, “my brother, a disabled veteran, is
      blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife
      and six children.”

      The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut
      off again.

      “Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband
      died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a
      mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has
      learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

      The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m sorry,
      I had no idea”.

      And the lawyer says, “If I didn’t give money to them, what makes you
      think I would give to you?

    • #2905102

      Answered Prayers

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      .

      The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for
      answered prayers.

      A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a
      praise.”

      “Yes, Mrs. Kisselman?” the pastor prompted.

      “Two months ago,” she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed
      house, “my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was
      completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if
      they could help him.”

      You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined
      the pain that poor Jim experienced.

      She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused
      him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They
      were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire
      around it to hold it in place.”

      Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the
      horrible surgery performed on Jim.

      She went on, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time,
      his scrotum should recover completely.”

      The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men
      sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had
      anything to say.

      A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, “I’m Jim. I just wanted to tell my
      wife, once again, that the word is sternum!

    • #2905101

      Glesga Jokes … ([i]fae Glesca!![/i])

      by older mycroft ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the Glasgow
      Mafia?
      Apparently they made him an offer he couldn’t understand.

      What do you call a dwarf who falls into a cement mixer?
      A wee hard man

      Why wasn’t Jesus born in Glasgow ?
      They couldn’t find a virgin or three wise men.

      What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?
      Wee Shooey.

      What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and can’t find
      his dog ?
      Wee Shooey Douglas.

      A guy walks into a GP’s surgery.
      ‘Doctor , Doctor! He cries , ‘you’ve got to help me, I feel like I’m
      turning into coconut’
      Says the doctor, ‘You’re bountae ‘

      What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ?
      A bat in the mouth.

      There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays ?
      The wan wi a wee calf.

      What do you call an illegitimate insect ?
      A fly bastart.

      Hear about the lonely prisoner ?
      He was in his cell.

      What famous costume drama TV series of the 1970’s was named after a
      queue for the toilet ?
      The Aw Needin Line.

      The man in the clothes shop insisting on a maroon jacket.
      ‘Fur ma roon shooders’

      Hear about the stupit skindiver?
      He didny have a scuba.

      What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker ?
      Ye can get yer we’an back aff a Rottweiler

      What do you call a Glasgow Sikh who enjoys karaoke ?
      Gupty Singh

      A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been
      given a part in the school play. ‘Wonderful. Whit part is it?’ she asks
      The boy says, ‘ I play the part of the Scottish husband ‘ .
      The mother scowls and says,
      ‘Go back an’ tell that teacher you want a speaking part!

      A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,
      waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the
      baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if
      the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
      ‘Breast fed,’ she replied.
      Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered. She did.
      He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a
      while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
      Motioning to her to get dressed he said, ‘No wonder this baby is under
      weight. You don’t have any milk !’
      I know,’ she said, ‘ah’m only his Granny, but noo I’m glad I came son!’

      A wee woman from Glasgow’s west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh,
      she phoned room service for some pepper.
      ‘Black pepper, or white pepper?’ asked the concierge.
      ‘Toilet pepper!’ yelled the woman

      This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife
      sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
      Whit wis that fur?’ he cries
      ‘That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name
      Mary-Rose written oan it,’ said she.
      Don’t be daft,’ he explains, ‘two weeks ago when I went to the races
      Mary-Rose wis the name of one o’ the horses I bet on.’ She seemed
      satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.
      Three days later he’s again sitting in his chair reading when she nails
      him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
      When he comes around,he says, ‘whit the hell wis that fur?’
      ‘Yur horse phoned!’ she said.

    • #2905100

      Are You a Gentleman?

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Take this simple test!
      1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
      a) Lovemaking
      b) Screwing
      c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

      2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both
      shared:
      a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
      b) Your blood-test results
      c) Five tequila slammers

      3. You time your orgasm so that:
      a) Your partner climaxes first
      b) You both climax simultaneously
      c) You don’t miss SportsCenter

      4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
      a) Healthy, creative love-play
      b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
      c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

      5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
      a) The best part of the experience
      b) The second best part of the experience
      c) $100 extra

      6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds weight in the last month. You
      tell her that it is:
      a) No concern of yours
      b) Not a problem — she can join your gym
      c) A conservative estimate

      7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
      a) A myth
      b) An oxymoron
      c) A moron

      8. Foreplay is to sex as:
      a) Appetizer is to entree
      b) Priming is to painting
      c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

      9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end
      of a relationship?
      a) “I hope we can still be friends.”
      b) “I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone….”
      c) “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.”

      10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
      a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of
      intimacy
      b) Is uptight and a waste of time
      c) Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

      —–

      If you answered ‘A’ more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really
      are a man.

      If you answered ‘B’ more than 7 times, get some therapy, you’re still a little
      confused.

      If you answered ‘C’ more than 7 times, call me up. Let’s go drinking.

    • #2905097

      Are you Kathlic?

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Are you Kathlic?

      Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play
      with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and
      didn’t go to Sunday School.
      So they went to the nearest Church.
      But, only the Janitor was there.
      One little Boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out
      and play with Us. Will You baptize Us?”
      Put your ad here!
      “Sure,” said the Janitor.
      He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet
      bowl, one at a time. Then He said, “You are now baptized!”.
      “When they got outside, one of them asked, “What religion do You think We
      are?”
      The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on
      You.”
      “We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of You in the water.”
      “We’re not Methdiss, .because they just sprinkle water on You.”
      The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water!”
      They all joined in asking, “Yeah! What do You think that means?”
      “I think it means we’re Pisscopailians.

    • #2905096

      Are You Normal?

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Are You Normal?

      A survey done of Americans, about their habits and actions.

      Driving

      4 out of 5 sing in the car.

      12% of men never use their car blinkers.

      45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. (This is hard to believe – Get on a highway and go the exact speed limit. Are 45% of the people not passing you – I doubt it)

      2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

      1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.

      71% can drive a stick-shift car.

      44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

      What We Shouldn’t be Doing

      13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring’s homework.

      91% of us lie regularly.

      27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

      Religion

      90% believe in divine retribution.

      10% believe in the 10 Commandments. (That’s one Commandment per person on average)

      82% believe in an afterlife.

      45% believe in ghosts.

      10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

      49% believe in ESP.

      Daily Living

      90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

      53% read their horoscopes regularly.

      16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

      59% of us say we’re average-looking.

      Less than 10% are trilingual.

      37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

      53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

      44% reuse tinfoil.

      57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

      66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

      53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

      28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

      51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

      On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

      20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

      Love & Sex

      2 out of 5 have married their first love.

      Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.

      29% of us are virgins when we marry. (How many claim they are?)

      The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.

      Men say the average erect penis is 10″. Women say it’s 4″.

      56% of men have had sex at work.

      60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.

      Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.

      1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

      6% propose over the phone. (Guys get a clue)

    • #2905095

      As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember………

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember………

      1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.
      It’s called “Ministers Do More Than Lay People.”

      2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

      3. The difference between the Pope and your boss…the Pope only
      expects you to kiss his ring.

      4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

      5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in
      the bathroom.

      6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the
      drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

      7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of
      course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

      8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
      impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

      9. My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a
      large trash can.

      10. A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip
      me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal
      fluid.”

      11. I’m so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription
      for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a
      condemned building.

      12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he
      was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told
      him rabies could be treated, and he didn’t have to worry about a
      Will. He said, “Will? What Will? I’m making a list of the people I
      want to bite.”

      13 Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

      14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never
      point the wrong way

    • #2905093

      Aviation Humor – Pilots & Controllers

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      [b][i] Aviation Humor [/b][/i]

      Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than
      there are submarines in the sky.

      If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a
      helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.

      Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting
      to pee.

      When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
      enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

      Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying
      club.

      What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
      If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot
      dies.

      Never trade luck for skill.

      The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
      are: “Why is it doing that?”, “Where are we?” and “Oh S#!+!”

      Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

      Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot
      pregnant.

      Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully
      complete the flight.

      A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in
      a row is prevarication.

      I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

      Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up
      there!

      Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for
      the purpose of storing dead batteries.

      Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
      person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything
      about it.

      When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was
      forgotten.

      Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
      held on a sunny day.

      Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems
      inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
      vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

      The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just
      barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

      A pilot who doesn’t have any fear probably isn’t flying his plane to
      its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

      If you’re faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
      crash as possible. (Bob Hoover – renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

      If an airplane is still in one piece, don’t cheat on it; ride the
      bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

      Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I
      am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71
      operating location Kadena, Japan).

      You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F.
      Crickmore – test pilot)

      Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

      There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign
      over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

      The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and
      a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few
      opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the
      same time. (Author unknown, but someone who’s been there)

      “Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV.” (A DC-9 captain
      trainee attempting to check out on the ‘glass cockpit’ of an A-320).

      If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.

      [b][i]Basic Flying Rules [/b][/i]

      Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of
      it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of
      ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much
      more difficult to fly there.

      You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
      power to taxi to the terminal.

    • #2905092

      Baby Skunk

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      The wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at
      the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It
      was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we
      take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

      He says, “OK, get in the car with it.”

      “Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

      He says, “Put it between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”

      “But what about the smell?”

      “Just hold its little nose.”

    • #2905091

      Be careful what you wish for

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
      waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a
      Coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,”
      says the ostrich.
      A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be
      $9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
      change for payment.

      The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and
      the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a Coke.”
      The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
      Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This
      becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.
      “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
      salad,” says the man.
      “Same,” says the ostrich.
      Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”
      Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
      on the table.
      The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir.
      How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
      pocket every time?”
      “Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
      found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two
      wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
      just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
      be there.”
      “That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a
      million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for
      as long as you live!”
      “That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
      money is always there,” says the man.
      The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
      The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick
      with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

    • #2905089

      Beauty and the Beast

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with
      a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks
      everyone’s socks off. She hangs on Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every
      word.

      Bob’s buddies at the club are all agog. They finally corner him and ask, “Bob,
      how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”

      Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

      They’re knocked over, and press on. “How in the world did you persuade her to
      marry you?” they ask.

      “I lied about my age.”

      His friends are fascinated, “You cad!” they say. “What, did you tell her you
      were only 50?”

      Bob smiles and says, “No. I told her I was 90.”

    • #2905088

      The Bedtime virus

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Do not open it .
      Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
      It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also
      delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
      It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
      It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR,
      and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.
      It will program your phone auto dial to call only 1-900 numbers.
      This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
      IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
      It will drink ALL your beer.
      FOR GOD’S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
      It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting
      company.
      It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.
      If the “Bedtimes” message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will
      leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
      close to a full bathtub.
      It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and
      pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
      *** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***
      And if you don’t send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you’ll fart so
      hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of
      you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
      Send this warning to everyone!!!
      THERE’S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
      Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look
      at you – you’re on the damn computer!

    • #2905087

      Bill and Hillary

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, “I am putting
      a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

      In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However,
      on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the
      better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the
      box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

      After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she
      confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my
      promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today
      the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know
      why do you keep the empty cans in the box?”

      Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess that after all these
      years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to
      you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind
      myself not to do it again.”

      Hillary was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and
      saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the
      road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that
      bad considering the number of years we’ve been together.”

      They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary
      asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

      Bill answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans,
      I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”

    • #2905051

      Nothing left to live for!

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A father told his son, Little Johnny, now aged 10, that it was
      time he talked to him about the birds and the bees.

      “I don’t want to know!” little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

      Confused, the father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

      “Oh Dad,” Johnny sobbed, “At age 6 I got the ‘There’s no Santa’
      speech. At age 7 I got the ‘There’s no Easter bunny’ speech.
      Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘There’s no tooth fairy’
      speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t
      really screw, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

    • #2905049

      A Chicken, a Horse and a Harley Davidson

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      .

      On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
      together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and
      began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to
      go get the farmer for help!
      Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
      Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
      avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the
      chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition,
      the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to
      save his friend’s life.
      Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
      arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
      rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear
      bumper of the farmer’s bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and
      with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse.
      Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the
      farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
      The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
      Pals.
      A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
      began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
      The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
      Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and
      he would then lift him out of the pit.
      The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving
      his life.
      The moral of the story?
      When You’re Hung Like A Horse, You Don’t Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!!

    • #2905048

      The Hangover Rating System

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      .
      1 star hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness: Your sleep
      last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of
      misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively
      well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and
      still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomber and a side of
      gravy fries.

      2 star hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss: You
      may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The
      coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut, which is
      craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from
      IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.

      3 star hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are
      definitely not productive: Anytime a girl walks by you gag because
      her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your
      alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86’d you at 1:45 a.m. Life would
      be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and
      a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You’ve had 4 cups of
      coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke —
      yet you haven’t peed once.

      4 star hangover (****) Life sucks: Your head is throbbing and you
      can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has
      already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for
      reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the
      fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks
      like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your
      eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like
      a reject from the class picture of Revere High, ’76.

      5 star hangover (*****) AKA “Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell.”: You have
      a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the
      employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of
      every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in
      the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has
      lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating
      you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don’t
      remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why
      there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.

      6 star hangover (******) otherwise known as the “Infinite
      Nutsmacker”: You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds
      you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on
      your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke from 5 hours ago. It is
      amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages
      to get up before you the next morning…. You try to lift your head.
      Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to
      smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly
      you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights… some jackass
      handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your
      second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of
      the stamp “Ready to Rock” faintly atop your forehead…… that
      explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically
      appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to
      work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can
      think of wearing is your “hello kitty” pajamas and your slippers.

    • #2905045

      You have all the equipment!!!

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The
      husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife
      preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several
      hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife
      decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake
      so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her
      book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and
      says,

      “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

      “Reading my book,” she replies.

      “You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

      “But, Officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”

      “But you have all this equipment, Ma’am. I’ll have to take you in
      and write you up.”

      “If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate
      woman.

      “I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the sheriff.

      “Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment …”

    • #2913959

      The Husband Mart

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A store that sells husbands has just opened in San Diego where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

      On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
      Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
      The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

      The second floor sign reads:
      Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love, kids.
      The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

      The third floor sign reads:
      Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
      “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

      The fourth floor sign reads:
      Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
      “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

      The fifth floor sign reads:
      Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
      “Oh, mercy me! But just think … what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

      The sixth floor sign reads:
      Floor 6 – You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day.

    • #2913933

      The Fishing Trip

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      .

      At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

      Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

      The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

      They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

      “Do you want to go up or down?”

      All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

      When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.

      They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

      He again asked the lady, “Up or down ?”

      There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

      This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

      She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, “Up or down ?” The woman replied, “Down.”

      A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,”Up or down ?”

      She replied, “Up.”

      This really confused the gentleman so he asked, “What’s the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!”

      She replied, “Well, yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f-ck or drown.”

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