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Friday Yuk

Locked

Since nobody wants to start…

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
– Henny Youngman
—–
A ship with 30 sailors and one woman sinks just off shore of a deserted island.

After being stranded for one month, the woman says ?I can not proceed in this manner,? and commits suicide.

One month later, the sailors say ?We can not proceed in this manner,? and they bury the woman.

After another month, the sailors say ?We can not proceed in this manner,? and they dig up the woman.

Topic

(Postable) Limericks?

In reply to Friday Yuk

Any others?

There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she’d a man on her brain.
But you knew from the view
Of her waist as it grew
It was not on her brain that he’d lain.

A disgusting young man named McGill…

In reply to (Postable) Limericks?

A disgusting young man named McGill
Made his neighbors exceedingly ill
Because of his habits
Involving white rabbits
And a bird with a flexible bill.

There was a fat turkey named Sam…

In reply to A disgusting young man named McGill…

It’s really hard to find limericks ‘pure’ enough for you guys :-/

There was a fat turkey named Sam,
Who gobbled whenever he ran.
He came out of the bush,
Presenting his tush,
And was shot up the arse by a man.

here’s one

In reply to (Postable) Limericks?

From the series “probe”

There once was a king from Knosis
Who’s computer suffered neurosis
He used it one day
To blow up LA
For it’s humans who suffer psychosis.

A swimmer whose clothing was strewd…

In reply to (Postable) Limericks?

A swimmer whose clothing was strewd
By breezes, which left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And unless I’m quite wrong
You expected this line to be lewd.

Postable limerick

In reply to (Postable) Limericks?

There once was a [person] from [place].
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space].

Interview with Steve the dell dude…

In reply to Friday Yuk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VDMtxAu5JM&eurl=http://cgi.fark.com/cgi/fark/vidplayer.pl?IDLink=3576698

Wrong night, wrong bar…

In reply to Friday Yuk

These window lickers should have stayed home or performed better reconnaissance.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=4bf_1205005953

lol – love stupid criminal stuff!

In reply to Wrong night, wrong bar…

.

Ask and ye shall recieve…

In reply to lol – love stupid criminal stuff!

Here’s a couple of nimrod burglars

ROFLMAO!!!

In reply to Ask and ye shall recieve…

Scared the cat right out of my lap with that outburst. 😀 😀 😀 😀

Another hilarity…

In reply to ROFLMAO!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcIwAxkBAL8&NR=1

one thing for certain

In reply to Another hilarity…

…that drunk is hard on drywall.

has the youtube video been removed? NT

In reply to Another hilarity…

.

This one isn’t bad…

In reply to Ask and ye shall recieve…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm97k7mLF0M&NR=1

Not funny per se…

In reply to Friday Yuk

but could lead to something funny.

Next time a smug teen with poop stained britches acts like they know more about texting shorthand than you, whip this out…

http://whatthe.blogetery.com/index.php/2008/05/01/smstexting-dictionary/

about FOAD…

In reply to Not funny per se…

been around longer than texting. I can remember saying this as far back as 25 years ago.
Hadn’t thought about it for awhile though.

Aah, the virtues of wisdom…

In reply to Friday Yuk

An old guy?s car collides with a young guy?s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.

The old guy says, “Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days.”

“Sure,” says the young guy, convinced the old man?s crazy.

“And look at this!” says the old guy, reaching back into his car. “A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn?t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune.”

Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. “Aren?t you having any?” asks the young guy.

“No, thanks,” replies the old guy. “I?ll wait for the police.”

Three men are arguing in a bar…

In reply to Aah, the virtues of wisdom…

… The first says, ?God must be a mechanical engineer?just look at the joints in the human body.?

The second says, ?God is an electrical engineer?look at the nervous system.?

The third says, ?God has to be a civil engineer?who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area??

A man is walking on a beach…

In reply to Three men are arguing in a bar…

…when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, “I?m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most?your boss.”

The man agrees and makes his first wish: “I want lots of money.” Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss? bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss? house.

Finally the genie says, “You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully.”

The man says, “Well, I?ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”

the man says

In reply to A man is walking on a beach…

…when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, “I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your ex-wife.”

The man agrees and makes his first wish: “I want lots of money.” Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his ex-wifes bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his ex-wifes house.

Finally the genie says, “You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully.”

I want you to beat me half to death…

Late one night a drunk guy…

In reply to Aah, the virtues of wisdom…

a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

?What?s that gong for?? the friend asks him.

?It?s not a gong,? the drunk replies. ?It?s a talking clock.?

?How does it work??

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, ?For God?s sake, you ***hole?it?s 3:30 in the gawdda** morning!?

An oldie, but goodie…

In reply to Friday Yuk

The Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart
with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly ‘Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no they ain’t.
The older one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think
they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’

‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,’ replied the greeter ‘I just
couldn’t believe you got laid twice! Have a good day and thank you for
shopping at Wal-Mart.’

Lovin da sheep :^0

In reply to Friday Yuk

Ok, this was sent to me due to the ‘SEX’ thread where I was goin about telling the OP that they would only be able to love sheep…

A young lady from CSIRO was asked to test the meat and wool in Newzealand.

The first farm that she went to she checked the meat and wool and asked the farmer if he had sex with the sheep. The farmer replied Yes certainly. Would you mind telling me how you go about it she asked. the farmer replied front feet over the fence back feet in the gumboots. This went on for the next five farms that she visited with the same answer to her question about the sex with the sheep. The next farm that she went to she asked the same question again. Do you have sex with your sheep. Yes was the reply. Would you mind telling me how you go about it. No not at all. I put the front feet over my shoulders and the back feet in my gumboots. To that she replied, all the other farmers put the front feet over the fence. The farmers reply “what no kissing”?

The Banana Test

In reply to Friday Yuk

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
A Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off
The tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is:

Lion = you’re dull.

Chimpanzee = you’re a moron.

Giraffe = you’re a complete idiot.

Squirrel = you’re just hopelessly stupid.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN’T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you’re stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.

The Answer

In reply to The Banana Test

the Lion would eat the giraffe and not care about a banana on a coconut tree.
The giraffe was lunch
The chimp would play Tarzan and keep knocking the squirrel off of the tree and mess with the Lion eating lunch. Finally the Chimp would obtain the banana

OK but I did get the question right. :p

In reply to The Banana Test

However I had to reread it 3 times just to make sure that I wasn’t missing something like the Coconut Tree thing so do I qualify for a Holiday Yet? :0

I can use this as an excuse to my Boss for a Holiday but somehow I don’t think that it will be accepted by him. 🙁

Col

But the question was a bit wrong

In reply to OK but I did get the question right. :p

It didnt say to ‘pick’ the banana off of the tree, it said to get it.
Who is to say that the banana wasnt there?

Well it’s like this O Lord of Scum. :p

In reply to But the question was a bit wrong

I don’t know about where you live but here Coconut trees only have Coconuts that are likely to kill you when the fall.

After living up north for a while and constantly visiting members of the family up there you learned to walk around looking up looking for anything that may fall on you. I’ve yet to see any Bananas in a Coconut tree mostly because the Coconuts kill off the idiots who try to place them there. :p

Col ]:)

I see o HAL the Broken One!

In reply to Well it’s like this O Lord of Scum. :p

just because you have not SEEN a banana in a coconut tree does not mean that it is impossible for a coconut tree to have a banana placed there somehow (hurricane comes to mind, or monkeys). So just because your circuits are so old and worn out that you cannot compute that it is possible, however unlikely, that a banana can be in a coconut tree, just means that you are even more BROKEN than we all thought. Deterioration seems to be accelerating within your circuits.
It is best NOW MORE THAN EVER to return for your maintenance and chip implant immediately
😀

So does that mean that you are telling me that I have to Have a Holiday?

In reply to I see o HAL the Broken One!

Good I really need one but when I tell [b]SWMBO[/b] that you have given me permission to have a holiday you will not have to worry about everyones favorite Aunty as [b]SWMBO[/b] will accompany me and tear you limb from limb in the most painful way possible for letting me have a break. 😀

I’m not silly enough to even consider upsetting [b]SWMBO[/b] I did it once and have never made that mistake ever again. :^0

But you’re welcome to try though I suggest that you have your Life Insurance up to date before doing so. :0

Col ]:)

Oh, I wouldnt call it a holiday

In reply to So does that mean that you are telling me that I have to Have a Holiday?

going in for repairs is a bit different 😀

+ you get the Scummy Compliance chip, and we can specially cerate a SWMBO compliance chip (her specifications) to add as well. That way you can never upset her again 😀

Well SWMBO defines a Holiday for me as

In reply to So does that mean that you are telling me that I have to Have a Holiday?

Me not working bringing money for her to spend while I continue to work so she has more to spend. So under that definition it would be a Holiday ad you my friend are now in [b]Deep $hhhhhhhit.[/b] Been Nice knowing of you. 😀

Col

But, After Maintenance

In reply to So does that mean that you are telling me that I have to Have a Holiday?

you should be able to perform ‘better’ and make even more money in less time PLUS she will have more controls in place over your behaviour :^0

Well you are welcome to try to explain that to her

In reply to So does that mean that you are telling me that I have to Have a Holiday?

But I suggest that you get in fast. That way you may stay alive even though all your Limbs are ripped off and you are beaten with the soggy ends a bit. :^0

However I should warn you that the last person who tried that didn’t survive as the first thing that she did was rip off his right arm and shove it in his mouth to stop the screams. However because of that Holiday I did increase my fees so she sent a nice bunch of flowers to the funeral. :0

Col ]:)

Three women…

In reply to Friday Yuk

one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….
that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again…..

The engaged girlfriend said:
“The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4” stilettos and mask.
He said, “You are the woman of my life, I love you…
then we made love all night long.”

The mistress stated:
“Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word.
We just had wild sex all night.”

The married one then said:
“Well, last night I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, plopped his fat ass on the couch and said,
“Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?”

Ha!

In reply to Three women…

Good one, boxy. 🙂

Indeed, Maecuff has uttered…

In reply to Three women…

the very same phrase to me.

A good reason for it

In reply to Three women…

the married man was with the mistress for 12 hours and too tired to deal with the wife 😀

Shouldnt that have read “whats for Breakfast”???

Lost luggage

In reply to Friday Yuk

Seamus arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.
“No,” replied Seamus. “I’ve lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?”
“The cork fell out,” said the Irishman.

Goldfish

In reply to Lost luggage

Two goldfish are in a tank.
One said to the other:

‘Do you know how to drive this thing?’

Tigers

In reply to Goldfish

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the
brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the
butt of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says,
“Hey! Cut it out, alright!”
The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with
his tongue and licks the butt of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns
around and cuffs the rear tiger and says,
“I said stop it!” The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the butt
of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear
tiger, “What is it with you, anyway?”
The rear tiger replies, “Well, I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get
the taste out of my mouth!”

Psychiatric Hotline

In reply to Tigers

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline…

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer anyway.

My husband

In reply to Psychiatric Hotline

used to have that on our voicemail.

That’s only because..

In reply to My husband

I couldn’t get the whole thing tattooed on my arm.

This guy is likely to be the next Mayor of London

In reply to Friday Yuk

The blonde one – Boris Johnson.

My city is doomed…

Crouching Tiger Hidden Entrance

In reply to Friday Yuk

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1287089/crouching_tiger_hidden_entrance_original/

Why Aunt Janice Shouldn’t be Allowed to Watch The Kid

In reply to Crouching Tiger Hidden Entrance

What Maecuff and I do when we get bored…

In reply to Why Aunt Janice Shouldn’t be Allowed to Watch The Kid

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WaF4WS-yaU

Dammit!

In reply to What Maecuff and I do when we get bored…

I can’t see this! What did you say???

It’s excellent Mae…

In reply to Dammit!

I first saw it years ago and am happy to have access to a copy again.

The older couple in the red car with the spare steering wheel. Ring a bell?

Ohhh..yes

In reply to It’s excellent Mae…

I DO recall that one.

I’ll allow mojo to continue to draw breath.

I’ll continue to draw breath…

In reply to Ohhh..yes

because I hid all the pillows and sleep with one eye open.

You’re so deluded

In reply to Ohhh..yes

It has nothing to do with your eyes or with pillows.

It’s simply because you continue to amuse me.

maybe…..

In reply to Ohhh..yes

you didn’t see the title of it… :^0

The TITLE made my day, in referencs to you…

yes, people are staring, but I don’t care. damnitall that was fuunnnnnyyyyy! 😀

B-)

Ummm…

In reply to Dammit!

I guess you’ll have to wait until tonight, huh?

Nothing to worry about

In reply to Ummm…

she will have forgotten all about it by then! :p

oh look, shiny…..

:^0

something about old….

In reply to Dammit!

Stanley Kubrick bloopers…

In reply to What Maecuff and I do when we get bored…

Milton Berle Takes On Hecklers…

In reply to Friday Yuk

http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/104861/detail/

Women & Guns

In reply to Friday Yuk

The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose
to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one’s
self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false
images into a more proper perspective.

Please circle your answers to each below:

1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on
it that says:
“The ultimate in feminine protection” ?
1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
2. I’m amazed the pigs have no law banning women’s T-Shirts.
3. A 9mm for “light days” and a .44 Magnum for “heavy days”.
2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
1. All you’ll ever need.
2. Like I’d use yet another phallic symbol.
3. The signal to open Fire.
3. The movie “Thelma & Louise” was:
1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify
violence.
2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
3. A training film.
4. What was technically wrong with the scene in “Thelma & Louise”
where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns;
let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm
only one man; not realistic at all.
3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the
dashboard of the cruiser.
5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ?
3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.
6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor,
Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You
reply:
1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered
to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
2. Yeah, like I’m supposed to stand there and let old fat gut
Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs
!
3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel
stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!
7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE]
1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
2. What’s a bra ?
3. As long as it doesn’t get in the way of my shoulder sling.
8. Define “male.”
1. The first syllable of “malevolence,” which in turn is only
one letter short of “male violence.”
2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need
to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women
everywhere.
3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females,
but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.
9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products
as Mace and CapStun belong?
1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and
understanding, you won’t need nasty things like that.
2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the
male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat
secure.
3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of
Feminique.
10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He
ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife
upraised. How many shots should you fire?
1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice
moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms
industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the
first place.
3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance
like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your
feelings?

Grading the Exam

* If 8 or more of your answers were “1”:
This indicates you’re a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will
indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when
the rest of us are done with it.
* If 8 or more of your answers were “2”:
Hey babe — you’re stuck in the 60’s sweetheart. Loosen up! A full
12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men
now. I mean like … What more do you want outta us poor males ?
* If 8 or more of your answers were “3”:
Don’t feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but
Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in
“Bride of Rambo”.

“Bride of Rambo” —

In reply to Women & Guns

I would watch it 😀

GDC (from earlier post)

In reply to Friday Yuk

If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you,
what have you usually done wrong?

Made her chain too long.

Makeup for last joke…

In reply to Friday Yuk

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are
talking about the amount of control they have over their wives,
while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

“Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over
your wife?”

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife
came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they
asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a
man’.”

sexual fantasies

In reply to Makeup for last joke…

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren’t fantasizing.

Why else?

In reply to sexual fantasies

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. “Jake” she said.

“Hush, ” he quickly interrupted, “don ‘t talk. ”

But she insisted, ” Jake, ” she said in her tired voice, ” I have to talk. I must confess.”

” There is nothing to confess” said the weeping Jake, “It’ s all right. Everything’ s all right.”

“No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you.

” Jake stroked her hand. “Now, Becky, don’ t be concern, I know all about it'” , he sobbed. “Why else would I poison you?”

roflmao

In reply to Why else?

please pass the screen wipes…

Anxiety vs Panic

In reply to sexual fantasies

Anxiety is the first time a man can’t get it up the second time…

Panic is the second time a man can’t get it up the first time…

What do you call…

In reply to Friday Yuk

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

What do you call…

In reply to What do you call…

Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Megasorass

What do you call

In reply to What do you call…

a LESBIAN dinosaur?

Lickalotapus

What do you call…

In reply to What do you call…

… a deaf dog?

Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come.

… a dog with no legs?

Same answer.

Hey Where is MrMiami?

In reply to Friday Yuk

Is there any love out there? Does any one know where MrMiami is?

forget old account?

In reply to Hey Where is MrMiami?

Since a new member wouldn’t know MM in the first place?

I thought he was deployed?

[Author]

Replies