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  • #2147794

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by bubba69 ·

    Since nobody wants to start…

    I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
    – Henny Youngman
    —–
    A ship with 30 sailors and one woman sinks just off shore of a deserted island.

    After being stranded for one month, the woman says ?I can not proceed in this manner,? and commits suicide.

    One month later, the sailors say ?We can not proceed in this manner,? and they bury the woman.

    After another month, the sailors say ?We can not proceed in this manner,? and they dig up the woman.

All Comments

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    • #2567916

      (Postable) Limericks?

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Any others?

      There was a young lady of Maine
      Who declared she’d a man on her brain.
      But you knew from the view
      Of her waist as it grew
      It was not on her brain that he’d lain.

      • #2567914

        A disgusting young man named McGill…

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to (Postable) Limericks?

        A disgusting young man named McGill
        Made his neighbors exceedingly ill
        Because of his habits
        Involving white rabbits
        And a bird with a flexible bill.

        • #2567905

          There was a fat turkey named Sam…

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to A disgusting young man named McGill…

          It’s really hard to find limericks ‘pure’ enough for you guys :-/

          There was a fat turkey named Sam,
          Who gobbled whenever he ran.
          He came out of the bush,
          Presenting his tush,
          And was shot up the arse by a man.

      • #2567904

        here’s one

        by locrian_lyric ·

        In reply to (Postable) Limericks?

        From the series “probe”

        There once was a king from Knosis
        Who’s computer suffered neurosis
        He used it one day
        To blow up LA
        For it’s humans who suffer psychosis.

      • #2567898

        A swimmer whose clothing was strewd…

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to (Postable) Limericks?

        A swimmer whose clothing was strewd
        By breezes, which left her quite nude
        Saw a man come along
        And unless I’m quite wrong
        You expected this line to be lewd.

      • #2567408

        Postable limerick

        by ontheropes ·

        In reply to (Postable) Limericks?

        There once was a [person] from [place].
        Whose [body part] was [special case].
        When [event] would occur,
        It would cause [him or her]
        To violate [law of time/space].

    • #2567915
    • #2567913

      Wrong night, wrong bar…

      by mojodelirium ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      These window lickers should have stayed home or performed better reconnaissance.

      http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=4bf_1205005953

    • #2567909

      Not funny per se…

      by mojodelirium ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      but could lead to something funny.

      Next time a smug teen with poop stained britches acts like they know more about texting shorthand than you, whip this out…

      http://whatthe.blogetery.com/index.php/2008/05/01/smstexting-dictionary/

      • #2567555

        about FOAD…

        by boxfiddler ·

        In reply to Not funny per se…

        been around longer than texting. I can remember saying this as far back as 25 years ago.
        Hadn’t thought about it for awhile though.

    • #2567886

      Aah, the virtues of wisdom…

      by mojodelirium ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      An old guy?s car collides with a young guy?s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.

      The old guy says, “Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days.”

      “Sure,” says the young guy, convinced the old man?s crazy.

      “And look at this!” says the old guy, reaching back into his car. “A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn?t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune.”

      Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. “Aren?t you having any?” asks the young guy.

      “No, thanks,” replies the old guy. “I?ll wait for the police.”

      • #2567627

        Three men are arguing in a bar…

        by mojodelirium ·

        In reply to Aah, the virtues of wisdom…

        … The first says, ?God must be a mechanical engineer?just look at the joints in the human body.?

        The second says, ?God is an electrical engineer?look at the nervous system.?

        The third says, ?God has to be a civil engineer?who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area??

        • #2567617

          A man is walking on a beach…

          by mojodelirium ·

          In reply to Three men are arguing in a bar…

          …when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, “I?m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most?your boss.”

          The man agrees and makes his first wish: “I want lots of money.” Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss? bank account.

          Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss? house.

          Finally the genie says, “You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully.”

          The man says, “Well, I?ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”

        • #2567498

          the man says

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to A man is walking on a beach…

          …when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, “I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your ex-wife.”

          The man agrees and makes his first wish: “I want lots of money.” Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his ex-wifes bank account.

          Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his ex-wifes house.

          Finally the genie says, “You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully.”

          I want you to beat me half to death…

      • #2567608

        Late one night a drunk guy…

        by mojodelirium ·

        In reply to Aah, the virtues of wisdom…

        a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

        ?What?s that gong for?? the friend asks him.

        ?It?s not a gong,? the drunk replies. ?It?s a talking clock.?

        ?How does it work??

        The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

        Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, ?For God?s sake, you ***hole?it?s 3:30 in the gawdda** morning!?

    • #2567616

      An oldie, but goodie…

      by boxfiddler ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      The Wal-Mart Greeter

      A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart
      with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
      entrance.

      The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly ‘Good morning, and welcome to
      Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

      The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no they ain’t.
      The older one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think
      they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’

      ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,’ replied the greeter ‘I just
      couldn’t believe you got laid twice! Have a good day and thank you for
      shopping at Wal-Mart.’

    • #2567614

      Lovin da sheep :^0

      by the scummy one ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Ok, this was sent to me due to the ‘SEX’ thread where I was goin about telling the OP that they would only be able to love sheep…

      A young lady from CSIRO was asked to test the meat and wool in Newzealand.

      The first farm that she went to she checked the meat and wool and asked the farmer if he had sex with the sheep. The farmer replied Yes certainly. Would you mind telling me how you go about it she asked. the farmer replied front feet over the fence back feet in the gumboots. This went on for the next five farms that she visited with the same answer to her question about the sex with the sheep. The next farm that she went to she asked the same question again. Do you have sex with your sheep. Yes was the reply. Would you mind telling me how you go about it. No not at all. I put the front feet over my shoulders and the back feet in my gumboots. To that she replied, all the other farmers put the front feet over the fence. The farmers reply “what no kissing”?

    • #2567607

      The Banana Test

      by boxfiddler ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
      A Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.
      They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off
      The tree.

      Who do you guess will win?

      Your answer will reflect your personality.

      So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

      Got your answer?

      Now scroll down to see the analysis.

      If your answer is:

      Lion = you’re dull.

      Chimpanzee = you’re a moron.

      Giraffe = you’re a complete idiot.

      Squirrel = you’re just hopelessly stupid.

      A COCONUT TREE DOESN’T HAVE BANANAS.

      Obviously you’re stressed and overworked.
      You should take some time off and relax!
      Try again next year.

      • #2567600

        The Answer

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to The Banana Test

        the Lion would eat the giraffe and not care about a banana on a coconut tree.
        The giraffe was lunch
        The chimp would play Tarzan and keep knocking the squirrel off of the tree and mess with the Lion eating lunch. Finally the Chimp would obtain the banana

      • #2567581

        OK but I did get the question right. :p

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to The Banana Test

        However I had to reread it 3 times just to make sure that I wasn’t missing something like the Coconut Tree thing so do I qualify for a Holiday Yet? :0

        I can use this as an excuse to my Boss for a Holiday but somehow I don’t think that it will be accepted by him. 🙁

        Col

        • #2567564

          But the question was a bit wrong

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to OK but I did get the question right. :p

          It didnt say to ‘pick’ the banana off of the tree, it said to get it.
          Who is to say that the banana wasnt there?

        • #2567291

          Well it’s like this O Lord of Scum. :p

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to But the question was a bit wrong

          I don’t know about where you live but here Coconut trees only have Coconuts that are likely to kill you when the fall.

          After living up north for a while and constantly visiting members of the family up there you learned to walk around looking up looking for anything that may fall on you. I’ve yet to see any Bananas in a Coconut tree mostly because the Coconuts kill off the idiots who try to place them there. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2567070

          I see o HAL the Broken One!

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Well it’s like this O Lord of Scum. :p

          just because you have not SEEN a banana in a coconut tree does not mean that it is impossible for a coconut tree to have a banana placed there somehow (hurricane comes to mind, or monkeys). So just because your circuits are so old and worn out that you cannot compute that it is possible, however unlikely, that a banana can be in a coconut tree, just means that you are even more BROKEN than we all thought. Deterioration seems to be accelerating within your circuits.
          It is best NOW MORE THAN EVER to return for your maintenance and chip implant immediately
          😀

        • #2460340

          So does that mean that you are telling me that I have to Have a Holiday?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I see o HAL the Broken One!

          Good I really need one but when I tell [b]SWMBO[/b] that you have given me permission to have a holiday you will not have to worry about everyones favorite Aunty as [b]SWMBO[/b] will accompany me and tear you limb from limb in the most painful way possible for letting me have a break. 😀

          I’m not silly enough to even consider upsetting [b]SWMBO[/b] I did it once and have never made that mistake ever again. :^0

          But you’re welcome to try though I suggest that you have your Life Insurance up to date before doing so. :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2460235

          Oh, I wouldnt call it a holiday

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to So does that mean that you are telling me that I have to Have a Holiday?

          going in for repairs is a bit different 😀

          + you get the Scummy Compliance chip, and we can specially cerate a SWMBO compliance chip (her specifications) to add as well. That way you can never upset her again 😀

        • #2460913

          Well SWMBO defines a Holiday for me as

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to So does that mean that you are telling me that I have to Have a Holiday?

          Me not working bringing money for her to spend while I continue to work so she has more to spend. So under that definition it would be a Holiday ad you my friend are now in [b]Deep $hhhhhhhit.[/b] Been Nice knowing of you. 😀

          Col

        • #2460814

          But, After Maintenance

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to So does that mean that you are telling me that I have to Have a Holiday?

          you should be able to perform ‘better’ and make even more money in less time PLUS she will have more controls in place over your behaviour :^0

        • #2460685

          Well you are welcome to try to explain that to her

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to So does that mean that you are telling me that I have to Have a Holiday?

          But I suggest that you get in fast. That way you may stay alive even though all your Limbs are ripped off and you are beaten with the soggy ends a bit. :^0

          However I should warn you that the last person who tried that didn’t survive as the first thing that she did was rip off his right arm and shove it in his mouth to stop the screams. However because of that Holiday I did increase my fees so she sent a nice bunch of flowers to the funeral. :0

          Col ]:)

    • #2567606

      Three women…

      by boxfiddler ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….
      that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

      After a few days they meet again…..

      The engaged girlfriend said:
      “The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4” stilettos and mask.
      He said, “You are the woman of my life, I love you…
      then we made love all night long.”

      The mistress stated:
      “Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office.
      I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
      When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word.
      We just had wild sex all night.”

      The married one then said:
      “Well, last night I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
      My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, plopped his fat ass on the couch and said,
      “Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?”

      • #2567515

        Ha!

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to Three women…

        Good one, boxy. 🙂

      • #2567505

        Indeed, Maecuff has uttered…

        by mojodelirium ·

        In reply to Three women…

        the very same phrase to me.

      • #2567501

        A good reason for it

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to Three women…

        the married man was with the mistress for 12 hours and too tired to deal with the wife 😀

        Shouldnt that have read “whats for Breakfast”???

    • #2567598

      Lost luggage

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Seamus arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with
      tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
      already homesick.
      “No,” replied Seamus. “I’ve lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?”
      “The cork fell out,” said the Irishman.

      • #2567595

        Goldfish

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to Lost luggage

        Two goldfish are in a tank.
        One said to the other:

        ‘Do you know how to drive this thing?’

        • #2567582

          Tigers

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to Goldfish

          The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the
          brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the
          butt of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says,
          “Hey! Cut it out, alright!”
          The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue.
          After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with
          his tongue and licks the butt of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns
          around and cuffs the rear tiger and says,
          “I said stop it!” The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue.
          After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the butt
          of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear
          tiger, “What is it with you, anyway?”
          The rear tiger replies, “Well, I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get
          the taste out of my mouth!”

        • #2567544

          Psychiatric Hotline

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to Tigers

          Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline…

          If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

          If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

          If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

          If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

          If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

          If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer anyway.

        • #2567514

          My husband

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Psychiatric Hotline

          used to have that on our voicemail.

        • #2567509

          That’s only because..

          by mojodelirium ·

          In reply to My husband

          I couldn’t get the whole thing tattooed on my arm.

    • #2567569

      This guy is likely to be the next Mayor of London

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      The blonde one – Boris Johnson.

      My city is doomed…

    • #2567541

      Crouching Tiger Hidden Entrance

      by mojodelirium ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

    • #2567513

      Milton Berle Takes On Hecklers…

      by mojodelirium ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

    • #2567497

      Women & Guns

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose
      to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one’s
      self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false
      images into a more proper perspective.

      Please circle your answers to each below:

      1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on
      it that says:
      “The ultimate in feminine protection” ?
      1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
      2. I’m amazed the pigs have no law banning women’s T-Shirts.
      3. A 9mm for “light days” and a .44 Magnum for “heavy days”.
      2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
      1. All you’ll ever need.
      2. Like I’d use yet another phallic symbol.
      3. The signal to open Fire.
      3. The movie “Thelma & Louise” was:
      1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify
      violence.
      2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
      3. A training film.
      4. What was technically wrong with the scene in “Thelma & Louise”
      where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
      1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns;
      let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
      2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm
      only one man; not realistic at all.
      3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the
      dashboard of the cruiser.
      5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
      1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
      2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ?
      3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.
      6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor,
      Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You
      reply:
      1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered
      to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
      2. Yeah, like I’m supposed to stand there and let old fat gut
      Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs
      !
      3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel
      stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!
      7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE]
      1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
      2. What’s a bra ?
      3. As long as it doesn’t get in the way of my shoulder sling.
      8. Define “male.”
      1. The first syllable of “malevolence,” which in turn is only
      one letter short of “male violence.”
      2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need
      to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women
      everywhere.
      3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females,
      but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.
      9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products
      as Mace and CapStun belong?
      1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and
      understanding, you won’t need nasty things like that.
      2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the
      male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat
      secure.
      3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of
      Feminique.
      10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He
      ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife
      upraised. How many shots should you fire?
      1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice
      moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
      2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms
      industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the
      first place.
      3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance
      like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your
      feelings?

      Grading the Exam

      * If 8 or more of your answers were “1”:
      This indicates you’re a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will
      indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when
      the rest of us are done with it.
      * If 8 or more of your answers were “2”:
      Hey babe — you’re stuck in the 60’s sweetheart. Loosen up! A full
      12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men
      now. I mean like … What more do you want outta us poor males ?
      * If 8 or more of your answers were “3”:
      Don’t feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but
      Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in
      “Bride of Rambo”.

    • #2567492

      GDC (from earlier post)

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you,
      what have you usually done wrong?

      Made her chain too long.

    • #2567478

      Makeup for last joke…

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are
      talking about the amount of control they have over their wives,
      while the third remains quiet.

      After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

      “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over
      your wife?”

      The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife
      came to me on her hands and knees.”

      The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they
      asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a
      man’.”

      • #2567466

        sexual fantasies

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Makeup for last joke…

        According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren’t fantasizing.

        • #2567464

          Why else?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to sexual fantasies

          Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. “Jake” she said.

          “Hush, ” he quickly interrupted, “don ‘t talk. ”

          But she insisted, ” Jake, ” she said in her tired voice, ” I have to talk. I must confess.”

          ” There is nothing to confess” said the weeping Jake, “It’ s all right. Everything’ s all right.”

          “No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you.

          ” Jake stroked her hand. “Now, Becky, don’ t be concern, I know all about it'” , he sobbed. “Why else would I poison you?”

        • #2567462

          roflmao

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to Why else?

          please pass the screen wipes…

        • #2567461

          Anxiety vs Panic

          by bubba69 ·

          In reply to sexual fantasies

          Anxiety is the first time a man can’t get it up the second time…

          Panic is the second time a man can’t get it up the first time…

    • #2567458

      What do you call…

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      What do you call a fish with no eyes?

      A fsh.

    • #2567337

      Hey Where is MrMiami?

      by wazzer ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Is there any love out there? Does any one know where MrMiami is?

      • #2460326

        forget old account?

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Hey Where is MrMiami?

        Since a new member wouldn’t know MM in the first place?

        I thought he was deployed?

Viewing 17 reply threads