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Friday Yuk

By RFink ·
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The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was "Political Correctness". The winner wrote,

"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

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Computer Terminology

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

kinda old but .... remember when.....


486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Barn Technology
Submitted by: hotdog@kctera.net
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE - them's the fightn' rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE - what your pit bull dun to cousin Jethro

CACHE - needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - pasture muffins that you try not to step in....

TERMINAL - time to call the undertaker

CRASH - when you go to Junior's party uninvited

DIGITAL - the art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE - a female Disco dancer

FAX - what you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARD COPY - picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD - where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Bubba's favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - how your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - what you did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK - scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE - where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - where the Pope lives

SCREEN - helps keep the 'skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT - a red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrack's Employee of the Year

SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

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an old Dennis Leary response...

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

A Song from Dennis Leary - I'm An A$$hole

Folks
I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream
About me
About you
About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottoms of our chests
About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts
Or maybe below the cockles
Maybe in the sub-cockle area
Maybe in the liver
Maybe in the kidneys
Maybe even in the colon
We don't know

I'm just a regular joe
With a regular job
I'm your average white
Suburbanite slob
I like football, and porno, and books about war
I've got an average house
With a nice hardwood floor
My wife, and my job
My kids, and my car
My feet on the table
And a Cuban cigar
But sometimes that just ain't enough
To keep a man like me interested
Oh no, no way, uh uhh
No, I gotta go out and have fun
At someone else's expense
Oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah

I drive really slow
In the ultra-fast lane
While people behind me are going insane

I'm an a$$hole
(he's an a$$hole, what an a$$hole)
I'm an a$$hole
(he's an a$$hole, such an a$$hole)

I use public toilets
And I pi$$ on the seat
I walk around in the summer time sayin', "How about this heat?"

I'm an a$$hole
(he's an a$$hole, what an a$$hole)
I'm an a$$hole
(he's the worlds biggest a$$hole)

Sometimes I park in the handicapped spaces
While handicapped people
Make handicapped faces

I'm an a$$hole
(he's an a$$hole, what an a$$hole)
I'm an a$$hole
(he's a big f****g a$$hole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singin' this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong...
...
NAAAHHHHH!

I'm an a$$hole
(he's an a$$hole, what an a$$hole)
I'm an a$$hole
(he's the world's biggest a$$hole)

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadilac El Dorado Convertable
Hot pink!
With whale skin hub caps
An all leather cow interior
And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights
YEAH!
And I'm gonna drive around in that baby
At 115 miles per hour
Getting one mile per gallon
Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers
And when I'm done sucking down those grease-ball burgers
I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side
And there ain't a Goddamn thing anybody can do about it
You know why?
'Cause we got the bombs, that's why!
Two words: Nuclear Freakin' Weapons
Okay!?
Russia, Germany, Romania
They can have all the Democracy they want
They can have a big Democracy cake walk
Right through the middle of Tienemen Square
And it won't make a lick of difference
Because we got the bombs
Okay!?
John Wayne's not dead
He's frozen!
And as soon as we find a cure for cancer We're gonna thaw out "The Duke"
And he's gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why?
Have you ever taken a cold shower?
Well, multiply that by 15 million times
That's how pissed off "The Duke"'s gonna be
I'm gonna get "The Duke"
And John Cassavetes
And Lee Marvin
And Sam Peckinpah
And a case of whiskey
And drive down to Texas
And-
(Hey, Hey! You know you really are an a$$hole)
Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song, pal?
You know, the whole time I thought I was that a$$hole
And it turns out it was him
What an a$$hole!


I'm an a$$hole and proud of it!

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Denis Leary

by maecuff In reply to an old Dennis Leary respo ...

cracks me up. That song will be stuck in my head now, thank you very much.

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Had ThingOne cracking up to that about a week ago

by jdclyde In reply to Denis Leary

It is on YouTube (of course).

He didn't even know who Leary was, because he hasn't done anything funny in a long time, trying to be a serious TV star and all....

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Yeah..

by maecuff In reply to Had ThingOne cracking up ...

but Rescue Me isn't a bad show. And I like the Job, too. It shouldn't have been canceled.

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CARDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:

by critch In reply to Friday Yuk

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in **** until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've
given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you."

"You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for
me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your
promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my
best
friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday---------
So we're having you put to sleep."

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Why didn't you post that when I was breaking up with my ex?

by Locrian_Lyric In reply to CARDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN ...
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...

by Stangg In reply to Friday Yuk

...
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said her mother.

The next day the girl again came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 24"

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She was so blonde that...

by critch In reply to ...

She was so blonde that...

She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'.

She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

She tried to drown a fish.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.'

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.'

She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store.

If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

She studied for a blood test... and failed.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.

She sold the car for gas money.

When she saw the 'NC-17' (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

When she heard that 90 percent of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

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Steffi??? :^0

by The Scummy One In reply to ...

oh wait, she is 21 or 22...

oh well, close enough :^0

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