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Friday Yuk

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by shellbot

Closed to new repliesThis discussion is closed. It stays readable, but it takes no new replies.

Ok, this is an old one..but still makes me giggle!!!

Bad day at work???

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

************************************************************************
Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, then pumps it down to the diver through a
garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with
warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my bum started to burn! I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.

However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my bum.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops Totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was Wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running Down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon as I got in the chamber

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my Bum was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ar*e.

53 replies

by dumphrey

but its time to start work here... well okay, really work "started" 30 minutes ago, but ya know, you clock in, take off your coat, stretch, get some coffee, chat with a person or two...
Now I am at the sit-at-my-desk and check e-mail before trying to figure out wtf is going on, oh, and waiting for phone calls from disgruntled users.

A side note.
You know you should get out side more when...
(true story, happened to me last night.)
I picked my sister up at the airport. I have not seen here in almost three months. The first words out of her mouth are "WoW! You actually look healthy!"
This from a woman thin enough to hold up tomatoes.

by shellbot

50 ABOVE Celsius --Vancouverites try to turn on the heat
--Manitobans plant gardens

40 ABOVE Celsius --Victorians shiver uncontrollably
--Winnipeggers sunbathe

35 ABOVE Celsius --Italian cars won't start
--Winnipeggers drive with the windows down

32 ABOVE Celsius --Distilled water freezes
--Winnipeg's water gets thicker
20 ABOVE Celsius --Torontonians wear coats, gloves & wool hats
--Manitobans throw on a t-shirt

15 ABOVE Celsius --Quebecers begin to evacuate the province
--Manitobans go swimming

Zero ---------Toronto landlords finally turn up the heat
--Manitobans have the last cookout before it gets cold

10 BELOW Celsius --People in Vancouver cease to exist
--Manitobans lick flagpoles

20 BELOW Celsius --Calgarians fly away to Mexico
--Manitobans throw on a light jacket

40 BELOW Celsius --Hamilton disintegrates
--Manitobans rent some videos

60 BELOW Celsius --Mt. St. Helene's freezes
--Winnipeg Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door

80 BELOW Celsius --Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica
--Manitoban Boy Scouts postpone "winter survival"
classes until it gets cold enough

100 BELOW Celsius --Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
--Winnipeggers pull down their ear flaps

173 BELOW Celsius --Ethyl alcohol freezes
--Manitobans get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

297 BELOW Celsius --Microbial life survives on dairy products
--Manitoban cows complain of farmers with cold hands

460 BELOW Celsius --ALL atomic motion stops
--Manitobans start saying "cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 BELOW Celsius --Hell freezes over
-The Winnipeg Blue Bombers win the Grey Cup

by shellbot

Losing sight of the horizon, for even a few seconds, leaves you with an 'icky' feeling of disorientation for the rest of the day.
You're confused when cars come equipped with options that would never be needed, such as curb feelers and turn signals and yet, obvious options like trailer hitches and air conditioning, are extras.
You actually understand, and perhaps can describe in detail, the necessity for geographical correction lines.
You can't understand why those American television networks never settle on a schedule, instead of shifting all their programs back and forth an hour every spring and fall.
You always know Christmas is near because stores stay open late TWO nights a week rather than one.
You rent off-season storage space for your snowmobile on a week-by-week basis.
You understand, and become quite emotional, when some outsider doesn't know the difference between a farmer and a rancher.
You overhear someone explain how he installed a counter binder on his combine's pulley-driven wheat flattener with a square head hydrostatic coupler, using a universal bushing degreaser, and you can't believe he left only 5 inches of clearance between the kernel rotor and the straw-feed regulator - the idiot!
Your pronunciation of "Saskatchewan" is down to 1 syllable: "Skatchw'n."
Once every 23 years you perform strange ritualistic dances in public places (Riders win Grey Cup).

by shellbot

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
"Vacation" means going to Barrie/area for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Canadian Tire store at any given time.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, construction.

by rfink

Reminds me of my college days in the UP. Change the degrees from C to F and you'll have a good match. :)

The UP of Michigan has four seasons: Winter, June, July and August.

by hal 9000

You can certainly take the Old Dear out of Canada but it's impossible to take the Canadian out of the ### ###. :D

Whoops Beth I didn't mean it. Was that in the slightest bit Rude? Anyway it was a [b]Typo[/b] [b]Well that mt Story & I'm sticking to it.[/b] :^0

Now who wants to get together and [b]De Bling[/b] the TR Girls Car. I just hate the way that females treat cars and try to hide it under so much rubbish that they insist is Important or used to Personalize the thing. :D

Col ]:)

by the scummy one

A good car has a woman in it
a great car has a topless woman in it
an awsome car has a nude woman in it

The BatMobile has several women in it!!!

by shellbot

As a Canadian, you have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a Canadian, make the following statement - and then carefully note their reaction:

"Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie, he's all chippy and everything, calling me a "shit disturber" and what not. What could I say, except, "Sorry, EH!"

If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one of us. If, however, they stare at you with a blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once.

by shellbot

Q: What is the similarity of american beer and having sex in a rowboat?

A: They are both SO close to water!

by jamesrl

The version I always heard was "Fracking" close to water. Read the Sci Fi curse words if you need a translation.

James

by shellbot

You should know me better than that...

If it has the word "Star" in it..i watch it!!!

Me PC..? Dunno..thought I'd give it a try ]:)

by bubba69

How did Pinocchio discover that he was made of wood?

His right hand caught fire.

by bubba69

Joe was increasingly hampered by remarkably painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help.
The doctor said, ?I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.?
Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed, but immediately decided he had no choice other than to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he walked past a men's clothing store and thought buying a new suit might cheer him up.
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, ?Let?s see... size 44 long.? Joe laughed, ?That?s right, how did you know?? ?It?s my job,? said the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ?How about a new shirt?? Joe thought for a moment and then said, ?Sure...? The salesman eyed Joe and said, ?Let?s see ... 34 sleeve and ... 16 neck.? Joe was once again surprised, ?That?s exactly right. How did you know?" ?It?s my job,? said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, ?How about new shoes?? Joe was on a roll by this point and said, ?Well, sure ....? The salesman eyed Joe?s feet and said, ?Let?s see...9...wide.? Joe was astonished, ?That?s right .... How did you know?? ?It?s my job,? said the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe was feeling great when the salesman asked, ?How about some new underwear?? Joe hesitated for a second and said, ?Sure...? The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe?s waist and said, ?Let?s see...size large.? Joe laughed, ?No, I?ve worn size medium since I was 18 years old.?
The salesman shook his head, ?Oh, don?t be silly, you can?t wear a medium. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache!?

by bubba69

As a squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breath. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

?Well,? he whispered, ?I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ?Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!??

?He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ?George W. Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!??

?We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.?

by bubba69

A woman in a supermarket hurries to the express line with a few items.

The clerk has his back turned to her, so she says, ?Excuse me. I?m in a hurry. Could you please check me out??

The clerk turns, looks her up and down, and says, ?Nice rack?

by bubba69

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer.

Amazed, the bartender says, ?Hey, you can talk!?

?Sure, pal,? says the duck. ?Now can I get that drink??

Shaking his head, the barkeep serves the duck a pint and asks him what he?s doing in the area.

?I work on the building site across the street,? says the duck.

?You should join the circus,? says the barkeep. ?You could make a mint.?

?The circus?? the duck replies. ?What the hell would the circus want with a bricklayer??

by bubba69

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains when Tonto suddenly stops, climbs down off his horse and puts his ear to the ground.

The Lone Ranger waits a few seconds before asking Tonto, ?What is it??

?Buffalo come,? Tonto replied.

?How can you tell??

?Ear sticky.?

by shellbot

An American, a Japanese and a Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."

The Canadian felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Canadian finally said "Well, will you look at that! I'm getting a fax."

by bubba69

One fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which in turn was immediately followed by a man walking solemnly along. Following him was a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

?My wife,? the man replied.

?I?m sorry,? said Bill. ?What happened to her??

?My dog bit her and she died,? replied the man.

Bill then asked the man what the second hearse was for.

?My mother-in-law,? he said. ?My dog bit her and she died as well.?

Bill thought about this for a while, before finally asking, ?Can I borrow your dog??

?Get in line, pal.?

by shellbot

Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before
St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom,
they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde
said, ?Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give
thanks and eat turkey.? St. Peter said, ?Noooooo,? and he banished
her to Hell.

The second blonde said, ?Easter is when we celebrate Jesus? birth
and exchange gifts.? St. Peter said, ?Noooooo,? and he banished her
to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter
said, ?So, tell me.? She said, ?Easter is a Christian holiday that
coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having
Passover feast with his disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and
the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and
eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very
large boulder ? ? St. Peter said, ?Verrrrrry good.? Then the
blonde continued, ?Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder
and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks
of hockey.?

by hal 9000

What the Difference between a Canadian Bush-fire Blond, a Canadian Bitumen Blond and the other type of Canadian Blond is?

Col ];)

by older mycroft

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

by older mycroft

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," the boy replies. "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three questions..."

"First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess. When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry." "And what is your question, Larry?" "I have five questions..."

"First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

Fifth - Where's Kenneth?"

by older mycroft

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go
fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to
close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of
all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day
and asks:
" So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon,
so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the
third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a
young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the
blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and
her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and
shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I
have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the
doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

by older mycroft

Only in Ireland !!!!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and MBNA bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been ?0.00, now is somewhere around ?60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

MBNA:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her Being dead?'

MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I Can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing Her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Glasnevin Cemetry, Finglas Road , Dublin 11, Ireland , Plot Number 1049.'

MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

by hal 9000

Reported last week one Aussie Bloke who died and closed his bank accounts prior to his death is still getting Requests from his previous Bank to renew his Credit Cards. It's only 2 years since the death and the Death Certificate has been provided to the unbelieving Bank. :D

Apparently once you open an account with this bank there is [b]NO ESCAPE[/b] under any circumstances. Apparently Death isn't a [b]Valid Reason[/b] not to have a [b]Credit Card.[/b] :^0

Personally I'm wondering what they expect him to purchase. :0

Col ]:)

by older mycroft

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

by dumphrey

But think about it, Blonds get everything done for them, people have very low expectations, and suspect them of nothing. Proves my theory that the Shadow World Government is all blond, run by Dan Quayle.

by shellbot

i'm not a huge fan of being "the helpless female"

besides..I'm canadian, and i already use that to my advantage..
people think we so nice and laid back..they don't realise what an evil person i am ]:)

by maecuff

1. Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2
hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

2. Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12:00 for 2 hours.

3. Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and
Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

4. Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

5. Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

6. Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM.

7. Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places
instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

8. Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.

9. Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

10. Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.

11. Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing. Location and times to be announced.

12. Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation
and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

13. Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday,
Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.

14. Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

by the scummy one

1. How to actually cook -- classes offered daily. Actual recipes handed out.

2. The Man is ALWAYS Right -- get over yourselves. Classes weekly

3. How to stop clicking on 'cute' free things on the Internet -- Classes daily

4. How to use the Internet without a credit card -- classes daily

5. How to avoid 'bad purchases' -- classes weekly

6. How to go into a Mall without going broke -- listen to man techniques -- weekly classes

7. How many shoes are truly needed -- withdrawl techniques

8. know when to take the car to the shop -- daily classes

9. how to stop 'nagging' -- ongoing course 24/7

10. How to stop asking dumb and dumber questions that have no real 'good' answer. -daily classes

11. Learn how to correctly wash clothes -- weekly course

12. How to get dressed in less than an hour -- ongoing courses, 24/7

13. How to keep your man away from a hoe -- for the most part at least... -- classes open.

14. The dishwasher does not load itself -- 3 classes weekly

by dumphrey

How to remember to put the seat down, AND then back up when using the bathroom. --AN excerpt from How Not to Nag, by Soma Ole Ghoat.

Why is this our problem again?

by hal 9000

1. Class in going to a Bank and making a Deposit

Ongoing Classes with no expected finish date yet.

2. Shopping isn't considered as a Contact Sport.

Ongoing Classes with no expected finish date yet.

3. How to go the the Mall and return in under 24 hours.

Ongoing Classes with no expected finish date yet.

4. How to pass a Shoe Shop without going in and buying everything.

[b]Ongoing Classes with no expected finish date in my lifetime at least.[/b] :(

Col

by hal 9000

Now where can I enroll the Wife for Classes 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9. 10, 12, 14. 15?

Lets see now the reasons being in

[b]Class 1[/b] When empty these get thrown out because they are all used up. Then [b]Nagging[/b] starts because there is no Ice in the Bloody Fridge. :(

[b]Class 2[/b] Prevent the Genetic need to use half a roll of paper at every opportunity and the [b]Nagging[/b] that the roll is now empty when she is the only one visiting the toilet. :(

[b]Class 4[/b] This is a Lost cause as the Laundry Hamper has been destroyed and disposed of as unnecessary by [b]SWMBO[/b] and no one argues. The [b]Nagging[/b] isn't worth the effort in trying. :(

[b]Class 6[/b] Not worth doing as Death isn't an Acceptable Outcome if caught Removing the Remote & Actually Using it from where she left it. Of course the [b]Nagging[/b] that comes along with the [b]LOST[/b] remote isn't worth it either. Also refer to Class 7. :(

[b]Class 7[/b] Starts with attempting to make the woman return the Keys to where they belong to prevent 8 hour searches and lots of yelling and Bitching as well as [b]Nagging[/b] only to find them in her pocket or fridge/freezer. [i]You have to start small to have any chance of teaching this one.[/i] :(

[b]Class 8[/b] When you are hand her flowers this isn't a reason to go on the attack to find out what was supposedly done wrong. Worse still is having to invent something to stop the [b]Nagging.[/b] :(

[b]Class 9[/b] Teach that the GPS is always right or has been incorrectly programmed. Of Course the GPS doesn't respond to [b]Nagging[/b] but everyone else in the car suffers. :(

[b]Class 10[/b] Teach the woman to sit quietly while she Parallel Parks. Next Class is to teach that using the [b]Crunch[/b] Parking Method is unacceptable. Also to stop the [b]Nagging[/b] about bent cars. :(

[b]Class 12[/b] How not to complain when things are added to the shopping cart. Also to [b]Stop Nagging[/b] that you are being [b]helped.[/b] :(

[b]Class 14[/b] Stop the [b]Nagging[/b] about all the ruined food that the Bloody Stove/Oven Cremated. :(

[b]Class 15[/b] How not to Spend Money Needlessly. [b]Unlikely to ever be finished while Females live.[/b] :^0

[i]Eideted to add[/i] [b]Class 16[/b] [i]Finally the Most Important Class Ever Possible[/i] When she borrows your Car to make her return it with enough Fuel to reach the Service Sation so you can fill up. Also not to [b]NAG[/b] because you take 3 hours to get fuel after she borrows your car and the fact they she ran it out of Fuel isn't a acceptable reason why you have taken 3 hours to get some fuel even though after it ran out you had to walk 5 miles at 4.30 AM to get some fuel and bought yet another Fuel Can which will disappear from the boot the very next time that she borrows the car again. :(

by michael jay

here it is:

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up > to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, " Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shinola.

by hal 9000

While true it's a shame that these several Women destroy the car by loading it up with tons of unnecessary rubbish that adversely affects the performance.

So it now takes longer to accelerate and much longer to stop. The obvious result is that it's now going to cost much more to run, cost much more in Servicing as the Brakes will need replacing far more often at the very least and it's got to break more often. Simple Physics here nothing complicated unless of course you are attempting to understand [b]Female Logic.[/b] :D

So Scummy One Yes I insist that we De Bling the Bat Mobile immediately if only for the good of the females in it so that they have a fighting chance of avoiding collisions as with all that Bling installed the stopping distance is much longer and the females driving it seem to think that it stops like a F1 when it actually takes longer that a 747 to come to a complete stop. Besides cutting back on the number of [b]Traffic Offense Notices[/b] because the car is impossible to stop I'm attempting to save the females from themselves. This is really a Public Service though the females concerned will not see it that way but if it helps protect them from their own [b]Misguided Actions[/b] then I've done my job. :p

[i]Edited to add[/i] Of course Scummy One if you want to see them all severely injured or dead adding more Bling is the way to achieve this goal. But you had better not make any mention of this near the girls. :D

Col ]:)

by the scummy one

I can care less about the 'other bling', just leave the women in it. It is far superior bling!!!

Ok, make sure that they are topless too :D
Now that is some good bling!!!

Edited to add: Oh yeah, the webcam is also needed!

by hal 9000

Calling GG, Tiger, Mae and all the others Bling is a [B]VERY BRAVE MOVE[/B] I hope to see you around after that lot read your reply above. :^0

Can you ask the Girls to setup a Web Cam and broadcast your demise I for one would like to see the Girls In Action. :D

Col ]:)

by the scummy one

You havent been paying attention!

GG -- in current state would take it as the compliment
intended.

Steffi28 is no longer around

Mae isnt speaking to me already

Shellbot is only here a little bit every few days

tigs -- Hmmm -- didnt think that one through well
enough, except

The #1 reason -- It seems that none of them look at the
YUK after Monday anymore... Therefore unless you tattle,
they wont find out anyway! :)

So you see now, I am perfectly safe: :D

by hal 9000

I'm willing to believe that she'll not only tell but send PM's to all of those you mentioned and rouse them up to get even. :D

Just because they don't actually Post After Sunday doesn't mean that they are not reading I might add. :^0

Col ]:)

by jaqui

it is only FRIDAY today.

they have three whole days before it's after sunday.

~shakes head~

you should have waited until monday morning to post that.

by shellbot

as much, but I'm still reading...

And I WAS checking this thread..no one posted naything for ages..
now this fridya yuk is gonna be confused with this weeks Yuk..oh...my...god...
the shame of it all..

De bling the batmobile..WTF Batboy?? you gone mad..??
*sock* !WHAM!

Its that kinda talk which makes us leave the batmobile hidden away ..no one apprecitates it anymore..

by hal 9000

However all the junk that you throw in it is a Totally Different Story. :p

For your & the others riders safety I need to remove all the junk to prevent Injuries or death. And that's your's and your fellow TR Females who I'm referring to. :D

Col ]:)

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