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Friday Yuk

By Shellbot ·
Ok, this is an old one..but still makes me giggle!!! <tee hee>

Bad day at work???

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, then pumps it down to the diver through a
garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with
warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my bum started to burn! I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.

However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my bum.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops Totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was Wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running Down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon as I got in the chamber

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my Bum was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ar*e.

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A way to spend your afternoon

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk
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oh come on..

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk

what did eveyone get a life all of a sudden?

wher's the funnies people?

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by Dumphrey In reply to oh come on..

but its time to start work here... well okay, really work "started" 30 minutes ago, but ya know, you clock in, take off your coat, stretch, get some coffee, chat with a person or two...
Now I am at the sit-at-my-desk and check e-mail before trying to figure out wtf is going on, oh, and waiting for phone calls from disgruntled users.

A side note.
You know you should get out side more when...
(true story, happened to me last night.)
I picked my sister up at the airport. I have not seen here in almost three months. The first words out of her mouth are "WoW! You actually look healthy!"
This from a woman thin enough to hold up tomatoes.

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I'm not funny but

by JamesRL In reply to oh come on..

I am go girl!


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Temperature Conversion Guide for Canadians

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk

50 ABOVE Celsius --Vancouverites try to turn on the heat
--Manitobans plant gardens

40 ABOVE Celsius --Victorians shiver uncontrollably
--Winnipeggers sunbathe

35 ABOVE Celsius --Italian cars won't start
--Winnipeggers drive with the windows down

32 ABOVE Celsius --Distilled water freezes
--Winnipeg's water gets thicker
20 ABOVE Celsius --Torontonians wear coats, gloves & wool hats
--Manitobans throw on a t-shirt

15 ABOVE Celsius --Quebecers begin to evacuate the province
--Manitobans go swimming

Zero ---------Toronto landlords finally turn up the heat
--Manitobans have the last cookout before it gets cold

10 BELOW Celsius --People in Vancouver cease to exist
--Manitobans lick flagpoles

20 BELOW Celsius --Calgarians fly away to Mexico
--Manitobans throw on a light jacket

40 BELOW Celsius --Hamilton disintegrates
--Manitobans rent some videos

60 BELOW Celsius --Mt. St. Helene's freezes
--Winnipeg Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door

80 BELOW Celsius --Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica
--Manitoban Boy Scouts postpone "winter survival"
classes until it gets cold enough

100 BELOW Celsius --Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
--Winnipeggers pull down their ear flaps

173 BELOW Celsius --Ethyl alcohol freezes
--Manitobans get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

297 BELOW Celsius --Microbial life survives on dairy products
--Manitoban cows complain of farmers with cold hands

460 BELOW Celsius --ALL atomic motion stops
--Manitobans start saying "cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 BELOW Celsius --**** freezes over
-The Winnipeg Blue Bombers win the Grey Cup

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You know your from Saskatchewan when....

by Shellbot In reply to Temperature Conversion Gu ...

Losing sight of the horizon, for even a few seconds, leaves you with an 'icky' feeling of disorientation for the rest of the day.
You're confused when cars come equipped with options that would never be needed, such as curb feelers and turn signals and yet, obvious options like trailer hitches and air conditioning, are extras.
You actually understand, and perhaps can describe in detail, the necessity for geographical correction lines.
You can't understand why those American television networks never settle on a schedule, instead of shifting all their programs back and forth an hour every spring and fall.
You always know Christmas is near because stores stay open late TWO nights a week rather than one.
You rent off-season storage space for your snowmobile on a week-by-week basis.
You understand, and become quite emotional, when some outsider doesn't know the difference between a farmer and a rancher.
You overhear someone explain how he installed a counter binder on his combine's pulley-driven wheat flattener with a square head hydrostatic coupler, using a universal bushing degreaser, and you can't believe he left only 5 inches of clearance between the kernel rotor and the straw-feed regulator - the idiot!
Your pronunciation of "Saskatchewan" is down to 1 syllable: "Skatchw'n."
Once every 23 years you perform strange ritualistic dances in public places (Riders win Grey Cup).

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Top 10 Reasons to be from Ontario

by Shellbot In reply to You know your from Saskat ...

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
"Vacation" means going to Barrie/area for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Canadian Tire store at any given time.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, construction.

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real canadian

by Shellbot In reply to Top 10 Reasons to be from ...

As a Canadian, you have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a Canadian, make the following statement - and then carefully note their reaction:

"Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie, he's all chippy and everything, calling me a "**** disturber" and what not. What could I say, except, "Sorry, EH!"

If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one of us. If, however, they stare at you with a blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once.

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by Shellbot In reply to Top 10 Reasons to be from ...

Q: What is the similarity of american beer and having sex in a rowboat?

A: They are both SO close to water!

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Never knew you were politically correct

by JamesRL In reply to Beer

The version I always heard was "Fracking" close to water. Read the Sci Fi curse words if you need a translation.


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