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Friday YUK

By TechieRob ·
Tags: Off Topic
Bit of an Impure one for today

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What's the difference between a French Kiss and an Australian Kiss?

No difference really, except the Australian Kiss is given 'down under'

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A man goes into the pub and orders a beer. The bar is empty and he is left to enjoy the beer himself. From nowhere he hears a small voice, "Mate, your looking well - that exercise is doing wonders". Shocked, the man looks around but cannot see anyone else there. He takes a nervous sip from his beer and he hears the voice again "Mate, that shirt looks real smart on you. If any chicks were here they'd be all over you" The guy looks around again but cannot see anyone. Finishing his beer, he needs to go to the loo, but as he heads over he hears another voice "God, you're a loser". He looks around but the pub is empty. He goes to the loo and comes back out and hears it again "You're worthless mate, utterly useless"

He heads back to the bar and takes a seat, feeling a little sad from the last insults, he orders another beer. "Hey bartender" he says "Can you tell me that why I am over hear, I hear a voice saying all these nice things about me, but when I go over to the loo I get insulted?"

"Thats easy he said"


"See these beer nuts here; they're complimentary. That cigarette machine near the toilets is out of order"

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The speech

by Bubba69 In reply to Friday YUK

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English ******* and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

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Ways to tell someone their fly is open...

by Bubba69 In reply to The speech

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

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LOL

by The Scummy One In reply to The speech

Yup, the IMPURE are ruling this week so far :^0

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War Time

by Oz_Media In reply to LOL

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

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here's a quick one..

by Jaqui In reply to Friday YUK

common Unix commands:

* talk, date, join, head, tail, split
* unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep

Q: What's the square root of 69?
A: Eight something!

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.

Q. Why are all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
A. Because it is below C level.

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How is COBOL like your sister?

by NickNielsen In reply to here's a quick one..

If either one misses a period, all **** breaks loose...

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Adult humour

by Oz_Media In reply to Friday YUK

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is afro american"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was afro american."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this gorgeous Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Well thank God for that !"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bugger was going to bark!"

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(gasp) Pass the screen wipes...

by Bubba69 In reply to Adult humour

I think I wet myself...

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Spluuurrtt!

by NickNielsen In reply to Adult humour
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BAD BAD OZ You Naughty Little Boy

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Adult humour

Yes it was very funny. :^0

Col

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