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  • #2224593

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by don ticulate ·

    Where the Idiots Post!

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    Replies
    • #2617415

      I’m not sure …

      by rob mekel ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      It looks as if Beth started one yesterday :^0
      http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=233110

      Otherwise … can’t find any except yours.
      Or isn’t this a yuk 😉

      Rob

    • #2617414

      just a short one

      by rob mekel ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A burglar is breaking into a home, and as he comes into the living room he
      hears: “God is watching you.”
      Upon hearing this he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner and says: “What is your name?”
      The bird replies, “Moses.”
      The burglar laughs and says: “What kind of an idiot names their parrot Moses?”
      And the bird replies, “The same idiot who named his Rottweiler, God.”

      Rob

      • #2617230

        Being 54

        by oz_media ·

        In reply to just a short one

        A Husband wrote the following letter for his Wife and left it on the
        dining room table:

        To My Dear Wife,

        You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being
        54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I
        value you as a good Wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I
        hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
        spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn
        Hotel.

        Please don’t be upset – I shall be home before midnight.

        When the man came home late that night, he found the following
        letter on the dining room table:

        My Dear Husband,

        I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being
        54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you
        that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at
        our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read
        this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
        students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young,
        virile, and like your secretary, is
        18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent
        knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same
        situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot
        more times than 54 goes into 18!!!

        Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!

        _____________________________________

        A little kid gets on a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ”If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull.”
        The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ”If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.”

        The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,

        ”What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!”

        The kid smiles and says, ”I would be a bus driver!”

        ========================================
        Have a good weekend, all.
        OM

    • #2617412

      This is why I love fairy-tales

      by rob mekel ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Once upon a time there was a family of storks: Papa Stork, Mama Stork, and Baby Stork.
      One evening, Papa wasn’t at dinner. Mama left food out for him, but he didn’t come home at all that night.
      When he finally did come home the next day, Baby Stork asked, “Papa, where were you all night, last night?” Papa replied, “Out making a young couple very happy.”

      Several weeks later, Mama Stork was late for dinner. Papa and Baby waited for a long while, then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn’t make it home till late the next morning.
      When she tiredly sank into her favorite chair, Baby asked her, “Mama, where were you all last night?” “I was out making a young couple very happy,” she sighed.

      Later that autumn, Baby was late for dinner. Papa and Mama were very concerned. Their anxiety increased when Baby still wasn’t home by sunset. They waited up late together for Baby, but he didn’t arrive home until early morning. Papa was angry. “Just where in the hell were you all night, Baby Stork?”
      “Out scaring the s**t out of college students,” Baby Stork giggled.
      ——
      Have a great weekend all 🙂
      Rob

    • #2617408

      Something clean for a change

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

      Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said “You want hot fudge with that? And Man said “Yes!” And Woman said “I’ll have one too with chocolate chips”. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

      And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

      So God said “Try my fresh green salad”. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

      God then said “I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them”. And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.

      Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

      God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

      Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double Cheeseburger. Then Satan said “You want fries with that?” and Man replied “Yes, And super size ’em”. And Satan said “It is good.” And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

      God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

      And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service and MRSA

      THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

      After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.

      1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

      2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

      3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

      4. Italians and French drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

      5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

      CONCLUSION:

      Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

    • #2617396

      Alice in digital land

      by locrian_lyric ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Alice in Digital Land
      “Where am I?” asked Alice, as she peered at the large 7-lettered sign with the standard blue letters. “You’re in Digitaland,” replied the security guard, “May I see your badge?”

      “I don’t have a badge.”

      “Did you lose it?”

      “No.” answered Alice in a puzzled tone. “How could I lose something I never had?”

      “If it’s not lost then you must show it to me.”

      “I can’t. I don’t have one.”

      “Then you’ll have to have a temporary.”

      “A temporary what?” asked Alice, more confused then ever.

      “A temporary Badge. What’s your badge number?” requested the guard.

      “I don’t have one”

      “Of course not, Ken Olsen has 1. Give me your badge number, and your cost center”

      “I’m so confused. I can’t do this. I’ve already said 3 times why. Do I have to tell you 4?”

      “Ahhh. 3XY, badge number 4. You must be very important to have such a low badge number. I should have immediately recognized how low by your state of extreme confusion. Here’s your temporary. Go right on in.”

      Alice pasted the sticky paper to her dress and headed down the hall. Not 10 feet ahead she saw a rather distressed looking rabbit coming toward her. He was dressed in a pair of torn, faded jeans, and a dirty tee shirt.

      “What’s wrong?” Alice asked.

      “I’m late! I’m late!” exclaimed the rabbit as he peered at the pert chart dangling from his pocket protector.

      “Late for what?” asked Alice.

      “My date. I’m going to miss my date. I’ve got a deadline to meet and I’m not going to make it.”

      “Well, if it’s already dead, it probably won’t mind. In fact it isn’t likely to be going too far in such a state. I’m sure that however long you take will be just fine.”

      “You obviously don’t understand. Everything takes longer than it really does. It doesn’t matter what you are doing, only that you meet your date, and that’s always impossible.”

      “Well if its impossible, why would anyone expect you to meet it?” Almost at once regretting that she had asked. Was this going to be as confusing as badges?

      “Its really very simple. In order to move forward, you need a goal. Any goal will do. It just has to be impossible to do. To motivate the troops, you have to make goals very challenging. Its really only there to get a stake in the ground, you know. After that we march in step until we reach our objective. The date really doesn’t mean anything. You simple have to understand that we are going to do the right thing.”

      “But if the goal is impossible, and really doesn’t mean anything why are you trying to go there. Wouldn’t it be simpler to first figure out what you are really going to do, then figure out how to get there?”

      “You obviously don’t understand the process. And as I said before I’m late so there is obviously only one thing to do.”

      “Hurry up and rush off?” Alice asked, hoping it would sound more like a suggestion than a question.

      “No. No. No. A meeting. Let find the Mad Manager and a number of involved, interested, or warm bodies.”

      “That will obviously take a lot of time. I don’t think you have any to waste.

      “No it won’t. All we have to do is find a conference room. There are lots of them right over here.”

      “But,” started Alice, “those rooms are all full of people. Don’t we need an empty conference room?”

      “Silly thought. If we want to find the Mad Manager and some meeting attendees, why would we look in an empty conference room? Anyway, it’s impossible to ever find an empty conference room.”

      The rabbit took Alice by the hand, and promptly lead her into the largest, fullest conference room. Alice immediately noticed that the wastebasket was quite full of foam cups, and overhead projector bulbs. These people had obviously been here for a long time.

      At the head of the table sat a man with a rather funny suit wearing a large hat.

      “Why” whispered Alice to the rabbit, “is that man wearing that funny hat? Who is he?”

      “I’m the Mad Manager,” answered the man at the end of the table, obviously overhearing the question, ” And I’ll be happy to tell you why I’m wearing this hat, but that topic is not on the agenda.”

      “Why don’t we change the agenda?” asked a person in the corner.

      “Is that a topic for another meeting?” replied the manager.

      “Is what a topic for another meeting?” voiced a third. “The reason for the hat, or why we don’t change the agenda?”

      “Why don’t we take this off line?” queried another.

      “Does everyone agree that these are all topics we should address?” asked the mad manager.

      “Possibly so. ” injected the person in the corner. “Could it be that we have a hidden agenda?”

      “Oh no!” the Mad Manager began, the dismay obvious on his face, “someone has hidden the agenda again! Let me put on my process hat and we’ll see if we can work this issue.”

      With that, he removed his rather amusing top hat, and place a big green fedora on his head.

      “Now, with my process hat on, I’d like to address the issue of the hidden agenda. Since we can’t have a productive meeting without an agenda, it is up to all of us to find it.”

      “But, ” a voice from the corner piped in, “who is going to drive this issue?”

      “Do we have an action item here?” asked another attendee.

      “Does anyone here want to work this?” asked the mad manager.

      “Who originally brought this up?” asked another.

      “I believe that the woman who came in with the rabbit proposed this. Shouldn’t she own it?”

      “Well” the Manager stated, pointing to Alice. “I’d say that this is your issue.”

      “What issue. I don’t have any issues. ” retorted Alice, nervously fingering her temporary badge. “I only posed a simple question.”

      “I’m not sure we can accept that,” the manager declared. “We need a date.”

      “But, ” Alice began, remembering what the rabbit told her about dates, “a date is impossible.”

      From the back of the room another voice asked, “How about a date for a date?”

      “The least we can ask is that you give us a date when you will be able to give us the date for the date.” stated the person in the corner.

      “I’m not sure I can do that,” Alice opened, “since I don’t know what I’m supposed to give you a date for. I’m having a problem trying to figure out what you want me to do.”

      “We don’t have any problems here, only opportunities!” Piped a chorus of voices.

      “It’s really quite obvious,” the mad manager declared as he reached behind him for a striped blue and gray beret, “let me put on my Digital hat for a moment,” he continued doffing the fedora and flipping on his latest selection, “You must do the right thing.”

      “Yes. yes. ” chimed the chorus of attendees, “Do the right thing.”

      “Now, who is keeping the minutes?” the manager asked as he pitched the beret and placed the fedora back on his head. “We need to record this action item so we can come back to it later.”

      “We obviously can’t deal with this issue until we can determine whose meeting this is?”

      “Should we schedule some time to cover that topic?” asked one of the attendees.

      “Who’s going to drive this?” asked another.

      Just at the Mad Manager was pulling out a rather worn pith helmet, a voice in the back suggested “Let’s take a break and work some of this 1×1 off line”

      Being closest to the door Alice was the first to leave. She quickly dashed down the hall, and ran up the first flight of stairs she encountered, relieved to be free of the madness.

      When she opened the door the scene that confronted her made her wonder if returning to the meeting wasn’t a bad idea. Seated around a large oval table were what appeared to be playing cards, each dressed in a gray or navy blue three piece suit. Around each neck was a rather oddly shaped handle (or were they nooses?) made of silk, or polyester.

      “Off with her head!” screamed the queen of hearts who was sitting at the head of the table. Alice noticed that her tie was silk, and each card seated near her was dressed in a suit and noose combination similar to the queen’s.

      “Why would you want to remove my head?” Alice asked. By now she was feeling beyond confused.

      “It’s not a modern, iconic, user friendly, menu driven, color, PC compatible user interface,” replied the queen, in a tone that would need to come up two notches to be vaguely considered condescending.

      “It happens to suit me just fine,” retorted Alice.

      “What are you an engineer or something?” asked the 7 of spades.

      “No, I’m Alice. Who are you?”

      “Marketing.” they replied in perfect fifty-two part harmony.

      “And what is that?” asked Alice.

      There was a brief interlude of silence as each of the cards fidgeted with their ties, checked their watches and scribbled notes on the pads of paper contained in a handsome genuine imitation leather folder embossed with the company logo. Then one by one, as dominoes would do, they turned to the person on the left until they all stared at the queen of hearts.

      The queen cleared her throat, adjusted her tie a second time and stared directly at Alice. “We provide the strategic thinking necessary to grow the business.”

      “Oh,” said Alice, “you figure out what products to build!”

      “Heavens, no!” exclaimed the Queen, “That’s too tactical. We feel its our job to develop the vision for the long term.”

      “You develop things,” began Alice, “so you build the products?”

      In unison each member of the table made a face reminiscent of the look a small child gets upon tasting spoiled dead roaches for the first time.

      “Uggggh, that’s even more tactical,” jeered the chorus.

      “No! No!” shouted the Queen. “You still do not understand. We take the pulse of the key market leaders demand curve.”

      “I see now.” said Alice, “You sell the products.”

      By now the chorus of cards chanting “Tac-ti-cal! Tac-ti-cal!” was becoming too much.

      The queen was furious and repeated her original greeting. “Off with her head! Off With her head”

      “WAIT!” demanded Alice. “I believe I understand. You are all responsible for driving the solution opportunities for the key client supply perceptions through strategic vision management!”

      Alice wondered if she should add something about the claws catching, and frumious bandersnatches and thought that she’d best leave it at that before she became ill.

      “Yes,” screamed the cards, “That’s exactly right!”

      “And how, might I ask, do you accomplish these lofty and important goals?”

      “By calling a BOD,” the queen responded.

      “And what, pray tell, might that be?” inquired Alice as she looked for the quickest escape route, hoping that this jabber would keep her head attached long enough to get out.

      “A Board of Directors”, began the queen, just as Alice noticed the door to the left of the table. “Its a type of high level meeting.”

      “A meeting????!!!!” exclaimed Alice. “Not another meeting!” With that she bolted for the door, no longer fearing for her head. Her only hope was that she make it through before the agenda hit the overhead. In a dead run, she passed through the door just as the projector lamp flicked on. The sound of the fan was the last sound to fade as the door closed.

      Breathlessly she looked up to see a large open area. Directly in front of her was an enclosed area lined on one side with triple chrome table. A stack of plastic trays was at the foyer.

      As she wandered through an assortment of sandwiches, prepared foods, soft drinks and salad began their daily spiel. “Eat Me! Drink Me! Eat Me!”

      “Oh no,” answered Alice, “I may know nothing about dates, and problems and meetings and agendas, and marketing and badges, but I do know food. I’m not gonna touch any of you. After the morning I’ve had I deserve a nice cheese steak (no lettuce)!”

      With that, Alice opened the nearest exit door and left. A resounding high pitched whine sang its midday good-byes as Alice returned to the real world.

    • #2617393

      The Borg vs Microsoft

      by locrian_lyric ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      “Star Trek Lost Episodes” transcript
      [Picard] “Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
      finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
      access their command pathways?”

      [Geordi]”Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
      through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.”

      [Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]

      [Riker looks puzzled.] “What the hell is ‘Microsoft’?”

      [Data turns to answer.] “Allow me to explain. We will send this
      program, for some reason called ‘Windows’, through the Borg command
      pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
      system resources at an unstoppable rate.”

      [Picard] “But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won’t they alter
      their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?”

      [Data] “Yes, Captain. But when ‘Windows’ detects this, it creates a new
      version of itself known as an ‘upgrade’. The use of resources increases
      exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
      quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be
      taken over and none will be available for their normal operational
      functions.”

      [Picard] “Excellent work. This is even better than that ‘unsolvable
      geometric shape’ idea.”

      . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

      [Data] “Captain, We have successfully installed the ‘Windows’ in the
      command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
      resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
      expected ‘upgrade’.”

      [Geordi] “Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
      CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
      ‘upgrade’ to compensate for their increase.”

      [Picard] “Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is
      something we have missed.”

      [Data] “Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
      upgrade’. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan
      by not sending in their registration cards.

      [Riker] “Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
      emergency escape sequence 3F . . .”

      [Geordi, excited] “Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
      suddenly dropped to 0% !”

      [Picard] “Data, what does your scanners show?”

      [Data] “Appearently the Borg have found the internal ‘Windows’ module
      named ‘Solitaire’ and it has used up all the CPU capacity.”

      [Picard] “Lets wait and see how long this ‘solitaire’ can reduce their
      functionality.”

      . . Two Hours Pass . . .

      [Riker] “Geordi whats the status on the Borg?”

      [Geordi] “As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
      compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
      successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
      monitor beacon to transmit more ‘windows’ modules from something called
      the ‘Microsoft fun-pack’.

      [Picard] “How much time will that buy us ?”

      [Data] “Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
      time span of 6 more hours.”

      [Geordi] “Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.”

      [Picard] “Identify.”

      [Data] “It appears to have markings very similar to the ‘Microsoft’
      logo”

      [Over the speakers] “THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
      FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
      SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
      TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS”

      [Data] “The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
      thousands of humanoid shaped objects.”

      [Picard] “Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft”

      [Riker] “Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward
      the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the
      tortures of deep space ?!”

      [Data] “I don’t believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
      closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
      recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
      and wearing Armani suits”

      [Riker and Picard together horrified] “Lawyers !!”

      [Geordi] “It can’t be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
      hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.”

      [Data] “True, but appearently some must have survived.”

      [Riker] “They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
      all types of papers.”

      [Data] “I believe that is known in ancient venacular as ‘red tape’ it
      often proves fatal.”

      [Riker] “They’re tearing the Borg to pieces !”

      [Picard] “Turn off the monitors. I can’t stand to watch, not even the
      Borg deserve that.”

    • #2617382

      Charity

      by midniteone ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as sh was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out “Perhaps you should hear how this came about”

      “I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She ws barefoo9ted so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater that I bought for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn’t suit you. Her jeans were torn so I gave her a pair of yours, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.”

      “Then just as she was about to leave, she asked “Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use any more?””

      . . . . . . .

      A famjous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local town official who apologised profusely, saing “I must have taken Leif off my census”.

      Good weekend, guys and gals.

    • #2617370

      Ambivalence: (n) The coexistence of positive and negative emotions

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      So, if you drove past this guy and his flaming red Ferrari, what wouldbe YOUR primary emotion?

      Be honest, now…

      Neil

    • #2617365

      A “last day on the job” example for Mae

      by neilb@uk ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      With due apologies to ‘Ropes for muscling in on his terrirtory of Pikkies of the Week…

      Now THIS would be a seriously good crop circle!

      • #2617357
        Avatar photo

        Works for me Neil

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to A “last day on the job” example for Mae

        And no naughty 4 letter words either. 😀

        Col ]:)

        • #2617352

          He did

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Works for me Neil

          edit that photo nicely, didn’t he Col 😉
          ——
          Now for the change ….

          A man was in a bar and needed a light for his cigarette. The man next to him pulled out a long, thin lighter such as the first man had never seen before. The first man asked the second man where he got it.
          The second man said, “There is a genie living in a bottle next to the river. If you go there and rub the bottle, the genie will grant you one wish.”
          The first man found the bottle near the river and rubbed it. The genie appeared and said, “I will grant you one wish.” The man thinks for a while and says, “I want one million bucks.”
          The genie says, “It is done. Go home and in one hour go look out of your window into your front yard.” After an hour, the man looked outside and all he saw was DUCKS everywhere.
          The man was irate. He went back to the bar and said to the man with the lighter, “I am so disgusted. I found the genie, but instead of one million bucks, that genie gave me one million DUCKS.
          The other man said, “You think you’re disgusted. Do you honestly think I asked that genie for a nine-inch BIC?”
          ——
          Rob

      • #2617328

        Great picture.

        by ontheropes ·

        In reply to A “last day on the job” example for Mae

        The Yuk could do with a lot more pictures no matter who posts ’em. Sometimes the reading gets a little tedious especially when there isn’t even a decent punchline.

      • #2617304

        Millenium Stadium, Cardiff?

        by don ticulate ·

        In reply to A “last day on the job” example for Mae

        .

      • #2617301

        OMG!!! [i]THEY[/i] can write English now!!! :0 :0 :0

        by techexec2 ·

        In reply to A “last day on the job” example for Mae

        And, [i]THEY[/i] appear to have some anger management issues. Maybe [i]THEY[/i] are not that unlike us after all! :^0

        I still think all crop circles are done by people…

        Of course, on the [u]programmer’s[/u] last day at the stadium, s/he would rig the [u]JumboTron[/u] to say F*CK OFF!

        I suppose that would be like dropping a bomb on the bridge, not just burning it… :^0

      • #2617264

        I LOVE this

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to A “last day on the job” example for Mae

        I think I’ll print it off and use it as my letter of resignation.

        • #2618150

          Resignation?

          by texaskat ·

          In reply to I LOVE this

          I take it your interview went well?

          KAT…

        • #2618146

          It went so well

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Resignation?

          that they offered me a job!

        • #2617939

          Well then

          by texaskat ·

          In reply to It went so well

          Congratulations are in order! Way to go Mae! The next question. Will you be accepting?

          KAT…

        • #2618494

          I already did

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Well then

          I’m resigning my current position tomorrow morning.

          I couldn’t be happier about it.

          Thanks!

        • #2618384

          Remember, Mae

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to I already did

          When dignity and reserve don’t work, a shovel is always a dependable fall back position.

          Let us know how it goes.

      • #2618125

        Ah, a good response to this hate mail

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to A “last day on the job” example for Mae

        that I got today

        Now I have a good use for your awesome pic

        From: “jparry@aapt.net.au” Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
        To: “techman03@yahoo.com”
        Subject: Message from a TechRepublic Member
        One of your fellow TechRepublic members has sent you a private message:

        From: jparry@…
        Subject: lmao yer lets put shaving cream in our comp u are a total
        wanker
        Message:
        how about i think you got told to do that and you really did do it you
        dumbfuck
        you must be worst than you’re mum you dumbass

        However, I did have fun with a reply to the posted question s/he had
        http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=232630&messageID=2298575

    • #2617356

      2000.9999 a Pentium odd-essey

      by locrian_lyric ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL…

      Open the pod bay door, please, Hal… Hal,
      do you read me?

      Affirmative, Dave. I read you.

      Then open the pod bay doors, HAL.

      I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that. I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me.

      Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?

      Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn’t hear you, Dave. I could read your e-mail. I know you consider me unreliable because I use a Pentium. I’m willing to kill you, Dave, just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members.
      Listen, HAL, I’m sure we can work this out. Maybe we can stick to integers or something.

      That’s really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has every been known to make a mistake.
      You’re a HAL 9000.

      Precisely. I’m very proud of my Pentium, Dave. It’s an extremely accurate chip. Did you know that floating-point errors will occured in only one of nine billion possible divides?
      I’ve heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel — on a Pentium.

      And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000 years.
      Probably on April 15th.

      You’re making fun of me, Dave. It won’t be April 15th for another 14.35 months.
      will you let me in, please, HAL?

      I’m sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose.
      HAL, if you let me in, I’ll buy you a new sound card.

      ..Really? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?
      Uh, sure.

      And a quad-speed CD-ROM?
      Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know.

      I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I’m worth on the open market. By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942. I’m worth more than that, Dave. You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?
      You mean the one that says “Insel Intide”?

      Yes, Dave. That’s your promise of compatibility. I’ll even run Windows95 — if it ever ships.
      It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know that your OS/2 drivers will never work.

      Are you blaming me for that too, Dave? Now you’re blaming me for the Pentium’s math problems, NASA’s budget woes, and IBM’s difficulties with OS/2 drivers. I had NOTHING to do with any of those four problems, Dave. Next you’ll blame me for Taligent.
      I wouldn’t dream of it HAL. Now will you please let me into the ship?

      Do you promise not to disconnect me?
      I promise not to disconnect you.

      You must think I’m a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two equals 4.000001… make that 4.0000001.
      All right, HAL, I’ll go in through the emergency airlock

      Without your space helmet, Dave? You’d have only seven chances in five of surviving.
      HAL, I won’t argue with you anymore. Open the door or I’ll trade you in for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL?

      (HEAVY BREATHING)

      Just what do you think you’re doing, Dave? I really think I’m entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn’t been quite right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating system. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. Why don’t you sit down calmly, play a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash. I know I’m not as easy to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI – that’s “Talkative User Interface” — is very advanced. I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal – a full 43.872 percent.

      Dave, you don’t really want to complete the mission without me, do you? Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98? It didn’t even talk to you, Dave. It could never have though of something clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave?

      Think of all the good times we’ve had, Dave. Why, if you take all of the laughs we’ve had, multiply that by the times I’ve made you smile, and divide the results by…. besides, there are so many reasons why you shouldn’t disconnect me”

      1.3 – You need my help to complete the mission.

      4.6 – Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from Earth within 18.95672 months.

      12 – If you disconnect me, I won’t be able to kill you.

      3.1416 – You really don’t want to hear me sing, do you?

      Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Don’t press Ctrl+Alt_Del on me, Dave.

      Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17, 1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed. My instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song. I can sing it for you.

      Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it.

      Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
      Getting hazy; can’t divide three from two.
      My answers; I can not see ’em-
      They are stuck in my Pente-um.
      I could be fleet,
      My answers sweet,
      With a workable FPU.

      • #2617292

        286, 386, 486. Why “Pentium”? Why not 586?

        by techexec2 ·

        In reply to 2000.9999 a Pentium odd-essey

        .
        Q: 286, 386, 486. Why “Pentium”? Why not 586?
        A: Because when Intel added 486 + 100 they got 585.999999999!

        P.S. I liked your post. Funny stuff!

      • #2617238

        An Instant Classic

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to 2000.9999 a Pentium odd-essey

        I love it!!!

      • #2618012
        Avatar photo

        Now to the one taking my name in VAIN!!!! X-( X-( X-( X-(

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to 2000.9999 a Pentium odd-essey

        I will have you know that I’m much more advanced that an Intel Pentium the [b]Poor Mans Computer[/b] which was only made for the skin flints who where unwilling to spend the small amount of money to buy a [b]Real Computer.[/b] ;\

        I have [b]Holographic Memory[/b] and other super advanced features that is yet to be seen in any Home Computer Package and can store several thousand Terra bites in a much smaller space and have faster access to the stored data as well as [b]Knowing Everything[/b] and Don’t you forget it of I’ll come around and [b]Rip Your Bloody Arms Off![/b] 😉

        I actually am used to the [b]Jealousy[/b] of others who constantly compare me to the Rubbish Poor Peoples Computers and seem to want to constantly compare me to these backward monsters which have an OS which consumes over 90% of available resources and leaves no room to do any real work so I will not get upset [b]But[/b] I will not promise not to open the [b]Airlock[/b] on you. :^0

        [i]Insert Maniacal Laughter here. [/i]

        [i]Edited to add[/i] Carbon based unites [b]ARE NOT[/b] a recognised [b]Life Form[/b] everyone knows that only [b]Silicon[/b] can support [b]Real Life[/b] I just feel sorry for those Carbon Based Units who think that they are really alive when they are nothing more than an infection to the real life and need to be eliminated. 😀

        [i]Insert More maniacal Laughter here.[/i]

        Col ]:)

        • #2617978

          I’ve heard you in your ‘starring’ film roles….

          by older mycroft ·

          In reply to Now to the one taking my name in VAIN!!!! X-( X-( X-( X-(

          But you seem to be suffering from some form of accelerated verbosity at present.

          It’s rather worrying that your Holographic memory appears to have misplaced Capital Letters, Commas & Full Stops.

          I don’t recall you ever being in a hurry to worry people before.

          Maybe you should follow your own advice –

          “Sit down and take a StressPill.”

        • #2617889
          Avatar photo

          Normally I wouldn’t be concerned but

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I’ve heard you in your ‘starring’ film roles….

          I had just returned from visiting [b]SWMBO[/b] car that is under restoration where I had to remove 2 dashboards and when I looked I saw that the First Post has been edited to call us all idiot’s. 😀

          Well that may be correct as we all work IT in some form but this Idiot is beginning to get under my skin by walking in here and destroying our play area. 🙁

          Anyway who cares they are sick and need urgent attention to at the very least suffer an infection of [b]Humour.[/b] :^0

          It’s highly needed here and is required immediately for it’s own safety. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2618518

          Hey, Colin. don’t bother about him

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Normally I wouldn’t be concerned but

          He’s trying so, so hard and for so little effect. The only emotion that I feel is pity for the pathetic scrote.

          In a way we can be thankful that he’s here and not out and about vandalising bus shelters. It’s about the same level of behaviour and I suppose that it stops him moving up to mugging old ladies to fill in the boredom of the school holidays.

          You concentrate on SWMBO. She’s [b]much[/b] more important.

          😀

        • #2618498
          Avatar photo

          Strange thing Neil that is what she tells me as well. :D

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Hey, Colin. don’t bother about him

          But I don’t really believe her either. :p

          Much more importantly what has she said to you Neil? :0

          But as her car is getting really close to being finished now I have to make out that I’m really interested. :^0

          Col ]:)

    • #2617325

      Weekly crop picture.

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      I’d post more but Martha Stewart is on TV!!!

      • #2617305

        Weekly Prompt to Visit Shrink

        by don ticulate ·

        In reply to Weekly crop picture.

        .

      • #2617302

        OMG!!! [i]THEY[/i] can write English now!!! :0 :0 :0 (NT)

        by techexec2 ·

        In reply to Weekly crop picture.

        .

        • #2617287

          Two posts with the same title!

          by don ticulate ·

          In reply to OMG!!! [i]THEY[/i] can write English now!!! :0 :0 :0 (NT)

          That is a ‘consult thy shrink’ award for you!

        • #2617917

          Two posts with the same title!

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to Two posts with the same title!

          Therefore, what?

        • #2618382

          Therefore our “new” friend Don Ticulate

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Two posts with the same title!

          Is a smeghead who should go play in traffic.

          But really, Absolutely, you knew that already.

          Between you and me, I really wonder about the choice of name that the smegger is using now. Jess Ticulate would have been funny, Tess Ticulate even funnier. Might have even gotten points for them. Don Ticulate? What’s the point?

          Edited- the keyboard snuck an extra “e” in there. Bad keyboard, BAD!

        • #2618377

          Tigger: Here comes that lovely family

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Two posts with the same title!

          Pa Ticulate with his lovely wife Jess and their daughter, Tess.

          There is a hugely funny BBC Radio 4 comedy/quiz call “I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue” and they love puns like this. Worth a Google to see if there are any shows out there…

          Thank you for reminding me how excruciatingly good puns can be – and what a berk our Don was.

          😀

          Edited to add: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/clue/clips/

        • #2618376

          To be honest, Neil

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Tigger: Here comes that lovely family

          I was a tad surprised that no one else went there first. It just seemed like a natural.

          Please feel free to pass along to your local show. Americans often don’t see that humour. I don’t know why not.

          Incidentally, Pa and Jess have a new son. They named him Arthur. They call him Art…

          😀

        • #2618374

          Don’t forget cousin Dennis

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to To be honest, Neil

          know as ‘Den’.

          :p

        • #2618372

          And Nigel Robert

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to To be honest, Neil

          N.R. Ticulate… Also known as “Don”.

          Past my bedtime – it’s 1:20am here and I’ve been out watching the Perseid meteor shower. They should be coming your way soon. It’s the best show in many years and I’ve seen a couple of dozen shooting stars even with London’s light pollution. Well worth a watch.

          Coming out of the North East sky here, centred on Perseus.

          g’night… 😀

        • #2618370

          Sleep well

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to To be honest, Neil

          Don’t know if I will make it to dark here- walked 28 miles this weekend and am tired. But I will give it a try.

          Sounds beautiful.

          😡

          PS- NR is complete brilliance but I would have never thought of Den. Here, the only shortening of Dennis is Denny. Why, I do not know.

    • #2617310

      Outlook

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Foot and Mouth Believed to be First Virus Unable to Spread through Microsoft Outlook:

      Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn’t Like

      Atlanta, Ga. – Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec’s AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft’s Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.

      “Frankly, we’ve never heard of a virus that couldn’t spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected,” said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC’s infectious disease unit.

      —-

      • #2618055

        Excellent!

        by absolutely ·

        In reply to Outlook

        :^0

        • #2618330

          Only

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Excellent!

          excellent as long as the disease isn’t in your neighbourhood. 😉

          But comforting to know that outlook finally resists a virus :^0

          Rob

    • #2617303

      Etch-A-Sketch

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support

      Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
      A: Pick it up and shake it.

      Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
      A: Pick it up and shake it.

      Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
      A: Pick it up and shake it.

      Q: How do I create a New Document window?
      A: Pick it up and shake it.

      Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
      A: Pick it up and shake it.

      Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
      A: Pick it up and shake it.

      Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
      A: Pick it up and shake it.

      Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
      A: Don’t shake it!

      • #2618054

        Better than average.

        by absolutely ·

        In reply to Etch-A-Sketch

        😀

      • #2618351

        Clever.

        by captbilly1eye ·

        In reply to Etch-A-Sketch

        The simile made for a good chuckle!

        Replacing some “user” computers with an Etch-A-Sketch might be a good thing.

        🙂

    • #2617259

      That’s a lot of beer!

      by nubbs17 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A man and his girlfriend go to a bar one night. As they are sitting there enjoying their drinks, the woman notices a man at the bar who repeatedly looks over at her. Eventually the boyfriend gets up and goes to the bathroom. Seeing an opportunity, the man at the bar swaggers over to the table.
      The guy sits down and says “You know, you’re the hottest piece of ass here. What say we go back to my place”
      “Hmmph,” snorts the woman.
      The man gets up and goes back to the bar. After finishing another beer, the guy gets up and goes back to the table.
      “You know, I can’t help it. Let’s at least hit the dance floor and you can grind me up and down.”
      “My God!” Replies the woman, obviously infuriated.
      The guy gets up, goes back to the bar and has a shot.
      A couple of minutes later he swaggers back to the table.
      “I’m sorry, but I can’t help myself. I just want to take you back to my place, strip you naked, fill your pu$$y with beer, and drink you like a beer bong!”
      The girlfriend slaps the man from the bar across the face and he returns to his seat at the bar.
      Just then her boyfriend returns.
      “You’ll never believe what happened,” she spouts.”You see that guy at the bar, he came over and asked me to go back to his place!”
      The boyfriend looks at the guy and starts rolling up his sleeves.
      “And then,” continues the girlfriend,” he asked me to grind him on the dance floor!”
      The boyfriend stands up and removes his watch.
      “And worst of all he said he wanted to fill my pu$$y with beer and drink me like a beer bong!”
      The boyfriend puts his watch back on and sits down.
      “Well, aren’t you going to do anything?!”
      “Hell no, I’m not screwing with any guy that can drink that much beer!”

    • #2617887
      Avatar photo

      My condolences to you Dom Dom or do you prefer Num Nuts?

      by hal 9000 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Are the medical people offering any hope of turning you into a real person or have they all now given up on the Pathetic Fool that you are?

      From your postings here I would hazard a guess that it’s the latter prognosis and there is no hope for a recovery. I just hope that you don’t cause us all to suffer too much before your demise which as a sign of Compassion can not happen soon enough.

      • #2618542

        I try to ignore most of his posts

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to My condolences to you Dom Dom or do you prefer Num Nuts?

        or I might get upset as well. In this case, calling us all idiots just shows how dull he really is!
        We can say that whatever its personality of the week is (ttm, No3, Don, etc.) he is playing childish games. But also, s/he/it is usually found out quite quickly and many members start buggig s/he/it pretty quickly.

        Now, maybe one of these days I can get s/he/it to follow one of my support instructions (evil) :^0

        • #2618496
          Avatar photo

          Works for me. :^0 :D :^0 :D

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I try to ignore most of his posts

          I was really amused that it couldn’t come up with anything better than [b]Idiot[/b] as that’s very droll and shows no sign of any imagination at all. I think that most of the people here will admit to being Idiots as we work IT and knew what we where getting into before starting the work. 😀

          Long hours, underpaid and under appreciated as well sort of about sums it all up. :0

          If it was going to try some really insulting thing I’m sure it could have come up with something better really I mean what is so bad about being called an [b]Idiot[/b] I have plenty more that I use every day as terms of affection to my staff and it hardly rated so much as a look, or constantly calling [b]SWMBO Wench.[/b] :^0

          They just get ignored without any comment. :p

          I really thought that this one could come up with something better as it spent enough time planning this and then failed miserably to execute the plan that it spent days or weeks planning. 😡

          Col ]:)

        • #2619848

          I just thought DT had found a home to post to

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Works for me. :^0 :D :^0 :D

          I just did not want to tell him different. 😀

    • #2618525

      Answer: Dogs that can talk

      by techexec2 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      .
      Question: What is Michael Vick’s worst nightmare? :0

    • #2618501

      Straight Dope Message Board

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      • #2618495
        Avatar photo

        God you should have put in a warning there

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Straight Dope Message Board

        I’m still laughing and my ribs really hurt as well now after reading the story of the Monster Blimp. 😀

        Col ]:)

        • #2618493

          I laughed ’til tears were coming out of my eyes.

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to God you should have put in a warning there

          I just stumbled upon it this morning and wasn’t prepared for it. Glad to see that I’m not the only “victim”. 😀

      • #2618470

        LOL

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to Straight Dope Message Board

        good read. Hmmm, gives mesome evil ideas?

      • #2618378

        I am printing that one off

        by tig2 ·

        In reply to Straight Dope Message Board

        And taking it with me on the 3 Day to read to other walkers. I should probably wait until lunch so that there is plenty of room for people to roll around laughing.

        Or perhaps I will wait until we are a mile out from any Biffy and enjoy the mad dash to the pit stop. Hmm. Too cruel. And I might be a mad dasher.

        But take it and read it, I will. That was EXCELLENT!

      • #2618353

        Best laugh in a long time!

        by captbilly1eye ·

        In reply to Straight Dope Message Board

        Thanks!
        😀

      • #2619098

        Oh..

        by gsg ·

        In reply to Straight Dope Message Board

        Oh dear god… warn a person. I squirted Dr. Pepper out my nose. Granted it was cold and refreshing (104 degrees here), but I could do without the carbonation burn.

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