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Friday Yuk

By dspeacock ·
ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !


Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pen s to the counters.


Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.


Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER ....


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lott ery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
< B>

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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starting clean....

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

One dark night outside of Westlake, a small town in Louisiana, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Cajun Hackberry Rural Township Volunteer Fire Company, composed mainly of Cajuns over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Hackberry old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before! Within a short time, the Cajun old-timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulae!

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local KPLC TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

Whall," said Boudreaux, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting we gonna do is fix dem brakes on dat old truck!!!"

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Murphy's Laws Of Computer

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

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Southern Grandmother on witness stand

by DadsPad In reply to Friday Yuk

Southern Grandmother on the Witness Stand

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie; you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.
The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.


Dad

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Hallmark Card writer on bad day

by DadsPad In reply to Friday Yuk

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day...

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!


Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.


Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the **** was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.


How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?


I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in **** until I met you.


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.


Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.


We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?


I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?


Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay


Dad

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Now why would the birthday greeting

by jdclyde In reply to Hallmark Card writer on b ...

instantly make me think of Mae? :0




edited to clearify WHICH birthday card:

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

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I will step sideways

by DadsPad In reply to Now why would the birthda ...

and duck to avoid the strike. :^0

I will send you one of the cards while you are recovering. ;\

Dad

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We are not worthy...

by neilb@uk In reply to Now why would the birthda ...

Now, I might have posted something similar but I'm out of reach by a continent or two and there's the Atlantic Ocean in the way.

It's been good knowing you...

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I'm sure you're perfectly safe Neil

by OnTheRopes In reply to We are not worthy...

<img src="http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s169/sharewhat/Overseas_icepick.gif" border="0" </a><br><br>
Yes, before anyone points it out to me, I DO have a weird sense of humor

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Post of the year! :^0 <nt>

by neilb@uk In reply to I'm sure you're perfectly ...
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You just be careful now :0

by OnTheRopes In reply to Post of the year! :^0 <nt ...
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