Friday Yuk

OK, Col, check this one out.

Where I used to work, I would run into a lot of gear heads and the one that sold me the GTO 389 (I mentioned that before, I think) had made a mistake earlier on with another engine.

He didn't really understand how diesel engines worked (this is a hint) but he did understand that "high compression means power."

This guy took a small block 400 Chevy (am I remembering right? I didn't do much Chevy work) and put 12:1 notched pistons, the biggest cam he could fit, attempted to blue-print and balance (probably with a tape measure and a bathroom scale :D ) and the cherry on top was a mechanical rotor blower.

The car was sitting in a garage with a cement floor. The engine was mounted in the car and the hood was in place. Then he started the engine up. It caught and began idling. Purring nicely...

I will wait to see what you think happened next. Please complete the story.

Dear Friends,

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to ?Well, I have out done myself once again.? No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here it goes:

Last weekend I spied something at the Pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my ?fancy? is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you?ve never seen one of these things in action, then you?re truly missing out-way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don?t need no stinkin? directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I?d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee I?m easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn?t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I?m looking at this little device (measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, ?no friggin? way!? Friggin? way - trust me, but I?m getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I?ll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I?m sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ?don?t do it buddy,? reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil? ole thing couldn?t hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn?t you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight? always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don?t ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY *********!!!! I?m pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, ?do it again, do it again!? (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You?re not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you?re lucky, you won?t lodge one of the prongs 1/4″ deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can?t be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I?m pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I?m offering a reward. They?re round, rather large. Miss ?em ?? sure would like to get ?em back.

I can't remember if it was Mac or Snap-on that used to frustrate me with the wrenches. My old Craftsman set was just ever-so-slightly rough surfaced which made them a little easier to hold onto through grime and (I think it was the Snap-On) the Snap-On wrenches would get super slick when coated in oil.

"Back in the day" I worked in an IH garage. Mainly cab-over short haul (no sleepers) grain trucks with the RT 12.5-13s and such. It was fun being one of the few that knew how to work on those in that shop. But where I really cleaned up was on electrical. Most of the guys had no clue on even why the electricity didn't leak out onto the floor :D .

Anyway, I learned a mean lesson once using some Snap-On wrenches working on a transmission, slipped, and thought some Impure thoughts as I went for the soap to wash the oil and blood off of my not so happy knuckles. :(

It certainly wasn't my fault, it must have been the slick tools. All of the other times I donated blood to the cause it was for other reasons but that time it [b]must[/b] have been the shiney surface of the wrenches. :p

Ok. Yes, I admit to having had a starter set of Craftsman which was later supplemented by nearly EVERY visit of the Snap-on AND Mac trucks. My tool box was on 4-inch casters and stood taller than me. [i]Them[/i] was the days!

Thats my excuse and I'm sticking to it, and I did say that it wasnt me, as her legs are much better than mine!

I can see it in your eyes :D :p

Here too, only I didnt know and got into work today an hour later than everyone else, they laughed :(

I was hoping to milk that for a few more times. I love it when you give me lessons. :x

As she is insisting I don't have a Bar Tab and the Bar is actually paying me to leave and never return. It's not because I'm so nice but I kept driving their patrons out of the place with [b]Piratical Jokes.[/b] :0

And I was being good then now I'm really much worse and there is nothing that I like to see more that a Football Hooligan getting their feet Caned as Punishment for their sins. :D

But if this makes you feel better in Kuwait a British Nurse had a Knock Down Drag out Fight with one of the Religious Police which resulted the the Police office being left unconscious on the ground they deported her several hours latter after administering the correct punishment. :^0

Col ]:)

12 to 1 Compression Pistons mated to a Lumpy Cam with probably high lift and lots of overlap and the a Roots Supercharger bolted on top of the thing.

Does that sound about right?

Well if the Deck Heights of the pistons had not been checked and the cam was even slightly out of the correct timing even by so much as .5 of a Degree there wouldn't have been an issue with the Supercharger as the engine could never have spun fast enough to develop any positive pressure in the Inlet Manifold. :0

But knowing these yobbo's he would have tramped on the go peddle and that would have required the concrete floor to be cleaned and resurfaced as well as the Bonnet needing to be replaced and repainted. Sound About right? :D

Of course the remains of the engine would be worth nothing more than scrap metal though maybe you could salvage the Rocker Covers off it. :x

Sound about right? I actually still have a Ducati 250 Factory GP Piston with the head of a Titanium Valve wedged in it that I use as a paper weight here, it makes an excellent talking point as it was somewhere around the 14 to 1 ratio with some very deep cut outs for the valves and the Deck Height was measured between the top of the Piston and the under side of the Cylinder head at 45 Thou. If that height was right everything else had to work correctly, unfortunately as I removed the Valve Springs in case one broke and did a lot of damage I thought that I was fairly safe then a Closing Rocker Broke. First time I've ever seen one break and the engine was spinning quite slowly nothing above 18,00 RPM at the time so it appeared quite spectacular I'm told but that was one of the few times that I managed to pull the clutch in with out assistance as I have an aversion to a seized motor and locked rear wheel in a reverse camber corner going up hill toward a cliff that dropped down onto the road way for the spectators to drive across. :D

Col

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

He was actually careful about the cam angle and deck height.

When he started it up it purred nicely. He gunned it a couple of times and it revved with authority. Then he turned off the key and nothing happened.

The 12:1s plus the increased manifold pressure had gotten it to sparkless ignition time. It continued to climb slowly from an idle. It had gotten to a roar when he ran from the garage.

The end result was that the crankshaft had dented the floor (went right through the oil pan), at least one cylinder head went through the bonnet and I am not sure where the blower landed.

All in all, a beautiful picture if you aren't the owner. Too bad this was before camcorders were generally available to the public. :D :^0 :)

Though I'll admit that it also Locks and is always locked when I'm not using the tools.

As Race Engineer with the various Race Teams I needed my own tools and even better I didn't pay for them. :D

But no one else was allowed to touch [b]My Tools[/b] and I always walked out with them when I left call it a Perk of the Job as I needed my own tools. The last place that I worked we had 5 900 SS Darmah Ducati's 4 where race bikes and 1 spare the fifth was the bike that was the standard that everything had to be measured against so that was mine as well. After all as it was the [b]Control Bike[/b] you couldn't let those insane riders use it as they would break it or worse still drop it and then a new bike would be required that was impossible to get to I guarded that bike like it belonged to me personally and no one as game to even touch it. Granted some minor spares got stolen off it if one of the race bikes was dropped but nothing of any importance things like the Front Brake Master Cylinder and levers as well as a few cables and the like but nothing that affected the basic measurements. When that team sold off those Ducati's and bought new ones I just took the bike that everyone thought was mine and parked it at home where it is today with all of 17,000 KMS on it. Though to be fair it was run down by a Social Worker who thought that her car could fit in between a bus and semi with a 10 foot gap between the two vehicles.

I just had to love the Cop explaining to me that her car could accelerate faster than the Ducati I just replied that the Bike could go from 0 to 100 within 3 seconds and I did mean MPH not KPH which he thought I meant. At 130 KPH I'm just starting to think about taking it out of first gear as it's still below the 8,000 RPM Lower end of the Red Line. 6,000 RPM in second is slightly over 160 KPH but it's old and slow. :^0

About a week after she ran it down I took it up to the nearest race track after replacing the alternator cover which had a big hole in it and cleaned out the Upper Cylinders and exhaust system and the Cop who attended the collision was there with his hotted up car that he thought was flying along at 140 KPH. My only comment was that I didn't think that I was actually moving unless the speed was 280 KPH which he didn't believe till he saw the electronic timing speed at the end of the straight 298 KPH just before I hit the braking area. The engine was full of cud so it was slow and needed a good clean out. :D

That thing has 15 to 1 compression pistons mated to 40 MM Carbs and the same size exhaust system with Conti's on it which give a lovely note even if they do slightly exceed the 110 Decibel upper limit. :^0

But it's so much fun to ride on the track even if it does chew through tires very quickly. But I learnt my lesson and leave the Valve Springs in them now. :(

Col ]:)

I take it that the thought of killing the fuel pump or cutting a fuel line didn't enter his head. :D

That's what I would have done if faced with something like that happening though with the Compression Ignition occurring I'm betting that the Pistons where copping quite a lot of damage as well. :^0

I just love the idea of him running out of the garage for his life in terror of the [b]Possessed Car[/b] that refused to turn off. :^0 :D

I always tested new builds on an engine Dyno and never had anything quite so spectacular happen. I had one Serria Motor that had taken 2 weeks to build expire after about 3 minutes and it only put out a puff of Blue Smoke from the Intake Manifold when it stopped spinning. I didn't even have it running fast either. :(

But that reminds me of a very good piece of advice I was given by a very Old Mechanical Engineer who had his own design house in Stuttgart. He insisted that Force Feeding an engine of any kind wasn't worth the extra complication unless you where using a minimum of 60 Pounds of Boost. Anything below that amount of Positive Pressure in the Inlet Side of Things was an unnecessary complication that you could work out a better solution for by designing the engine properly in the first place.

When Ferry insisted that was correct and then I heard the same thing from Phil Irving I tended to believe the [b]Old Man[/b] who was only visiting the company a couple of days a week to see what was going on. That's when I first started there on a 2 year work Visa but by the end of that time he very rarely came into the place as he was quite sick by then. But I saw Dr Porsche the day that I started and the Day that I left the place and the pearls of wisdom that he dropped taught me quite a lot. Pity that no one else paid him much attention when it came to design as i did they just seemed to humour him by allowing him in to look around to see what was happening.

When I worked out that I could never amount to 5% of what either Ferry or Phil managed to do during their working lives I realised that it was probably a very good idea to get out as there was nothing left to do. But it was one fun ride along the way. :D

Col ]:)

Haven't you ever heard of "Next of Kin"? :0

Hi Steffi.

(edited to indicate type of skis)

old Willibald when you were over here Col? (I think he's gone now too. He was the last of 'em) The last I heard he had had enuf of what you described also, left for the States, and well.... It's still a good company but, the fun is over here. (They're even talking of Speed Limits :0 on the Auto bahns X-( ) -d

I assume you are saying "topless" to leave something to think about. Do you really want to encourage thinking in a dream?

I'll have to think about that...

until the hurricane comes and washes everything away, then you wake up!

This just sounds TOO funny to miss. Please, Please, get a web cam and post a good laugh.

Steff..be careful to what you admit to on here..they going to be clogging the net up if you give them the URL

an open door, JD :(

And not what I'm used to see of you
But hey, we're all human :)

Hope that SWMNBO doesn't keep you to the same :0
That would spoil a lot for us ;)

Rob

hmm.

for the UK peers.... "very interezting...."

[b] HEY, EVERYBODY!! JD'S GONNA BE A NUDIST![/b]

(snigger) :D

:x

GG

and make sure you get one with a mountain or two...

As said before ... wide open :)
Now don't be to hard on the guy. It must be his time of the year.

Time of the year ... we're having a blue sky for the last 3 day's at a row. Normaly it should have been raining all day and night.
but with temp around 16-17 C (61-63 F) it's quit warm for the time of year (10 C - 50 F)

Does bring me in a good mood and ... going for a drink on the beach. :)

Rob

a long skirt with a slit up the side. Of course I am talking about the slit going about halfway up the calf since I am so Pure of heart. None of this Impure type of thing where the slit goes up to the armpit. Never something like that... No.

After all, when they walk, you know, something might show and that would be bad. It would cause, um, Impure thoughts.

2 of you laughing like that. A must see pay per view event...

I DESTROYED that book...... :0

]:)

And by any chance, did you mean GARTERS, not SUSPENDERS? :p

:x

Strange I always thought that they had these, but that they where for the Lower Speed that you could travel at. :D

When I was there I meat quite a few people I have a very vivid memory of bashing Jacki Iccks over the head with a clipboard on the old Nuremberg Ring track in one of those DAF trucks as he slid it sideways and yelling at him in English to stop this bloody thing and let me out. At the time he didn't speak English and I didn't speak whatever he spoke but I was silly enough to look out the window and realise that the Armco fence was so low that when he hit it all it could do was stop the wheels and make the truck flip over into the Forrest.

I would have to see a picture of the guy as I meant so many people over there but other than Ferry Senior and Jacki I really don't remember to many others impressing me but all that means is that I didn't have to deal with them enough. Ferry I was in awe of and Jacki was constantly trying to kill me so they left a lasting impression. :0

I actually did a bit of work for Ron Dennison when they where using the TAG motors but other than the occasional trip to their factory where they tested things and built the cars I did most of the work from here writing Engine Management Programs. But I did get to go to the AU GP every year and test drive one of the cars just to make sure that it was running right. :^0

But that was a long time ago when I wasn't scared of driving fast now I drive slowly nothing about 290 KPH as my reflexes have slowed down. :p

Actually one year I got Jack Brahham and Ron Dennison together and Jack just had to relate the story of how his head mechanic had cost him a World Championship one year by not changing the carb settings from qualifying so he ran out of fuel. Ron was the mechanic in question and was trying to escape the embarrassment. :D

But one of the best that I ever heard was at the first AU GP where Enzo attended one of the Council Members complained about the noise of those [b]Red Cars[/b] some clown in the crowd of press suggested that she go and tell Enzo to fit mufflers to his cars. Apparently none of the others where as bad as those Prancing Horse cars so they had to be made quieter in her eyes at least. :^0

Col

Thanks for that, Thinking of those days brought out a chuckle. (hard to get now days) ah-ja, wide open times, they were. -d

What have you done with DM we want to know NOW!

well...just consider me repressed or something...

but...if I had attractive native girls around, I wouldn't be worrying about drinking... ]:)

if you two were in the same place...
Is she teaching you lessons now? Or did you teach her to become this way?

I am just the humble student..... ;\

scary.

And JD? Well, he's just repressed. It's bound to come out sooner or later. Well, either that or HE will.

I wouldn't dare to disagree with you on anything even if there was a Hurricane bearing down on where we where and you insisted that it was a lovely day out I would agreed. :p

Now JD Repeat the following with real [b][i][u]Feeling!!![/b][/u][/i]

And that's not a blood splattered shovel that Mae is caring it's just been coated in red ink for effect. :^0

[b]Mae Is[/b] not [b]Scary.[/b]

[b]Mae Is[/b] not [b]Scary.[/b]

[b]Mae Is[/b] not [b]Scary.[/b]

[b]Mae Is[/b] not [b]Scary.[/b]

[b]Mae Is[/b] not [b]Scary.[/b]

[b]Mae Is[/b] not [b]Scary.[/b]

[b]Mae Is[/b] not [b]Scary.[/b]

[b]Mae Is[/b] not [b]Scary.[/b]

[b]Mae Is[/b] not [b]Scary.[/b]

[b]Mae Is[/b] not [b]Scary.[/b]

[b]Mae Is[/b] not [b]Scary.[/b]

[b]Mae Is[/b] not [b]Scary.[/b]

Understand Now JD? :^0

Col ?:|

[i]Edited[/b] because I think that I got a word wrong above maybe. B-)

they too cheap to pay up :)

ok, I keep forgetting to brainwash myself before mentioning Mae in a post.

Sooner or later I will learn I guess?

That when you remember its not too late

You know how she loves to use her new shovel!!

She has never used it on me (yet).
I have tried to push her to the limits several times.
Maybe she is more scared of me due to my 'profile'. I fit the profile (mostly) of a 'psychopath' and 'sociopath'. Who knows, I may wake up one day myself and go on a rampage....lol

Note: The above was meant to keep Mae scared so that I do not get decapitated by her shovel.

Mental note: Mae is nice dammit!!!

This post was posted using PCLinuxOS 2007 Beta 3

You figured it out! Yes. I am terrified of you. I'm shivering as I type this.

Now, do me a favor, imagine my voice dripping with sarcasm as you read the above. And you haven't pushed my buttons. I don't rattle easily. I've been part of my husband's family for 12 years now, I've had training. :)