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Friday Yuk

By HAL 9000 Moderator ·
Tags: Off Topic
OK I'm feed up with those in the US jumping the clock and posting way before Friday their time so I'm getting in first.

As a Life Time Member of the Pure Ones this is safe to read anywhere. :^0


What gets longer as you pull on it?

Fits between your breasts?

Inserts neatly into a hole and works best when jerked?

Scroll Down for the correct answer


A Seatbelt you pervert!

Buckle up and pass it on.

Col ]:)

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Old virusi returning

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk

VIRUS WARNING!!!

It has been brought to my attention that there's an insidious new computer virus which has already affected close to 30 million computers.

Even though I'm running the latest McAfee and Norton viri scans, neither have picked up this virus as it's a mutating virus which isn't set to go off until Friday, June 8, 2001.

As many viri are, this one is transmitted by email. I'm required by law to contact everyone that has received email from me in the last six months and warn them about this virus.

TO REMOVE THIS VIRUS BEFORE IT BECOMES EFFECTIVE:

** Click your start button.
** Click on "Find".
** Click on Files / Folders.
** Change the "look in" input box to "My Computer".
** The named input file should have: AOL.EXE

Once the find engine has located the file, highlight it and press the delete button.

Deleting this file will fix a damaged 30 megabyte area of your hard drive and restore it to full functionality.

WARNING: KEEPING THIS FILE ON THE SYSTEM AFTER JUNE 8 WILL COST YOU $2.90 MORE PER MONTH!

FAILURE TO REMOVE THIS FILE WILL KEEP YOUR "UPPER MEMORY MANAGEMENT" MODULE OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT (IQ OVER 85) BLOCKED. DELETING AOL.EXE WILL FREE YOUR IQ TO GO ABOVE 85!!!

DELETING THIS FILE WILL ALLOW YOU TO SPELL CORRECTLY AND USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROPERLY.

BADLY INFECTED SYSTEMS (I.E., SYSTEMS THAT HAVE DESTROYED YOUR ABILITY TO FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS ABOVE) CAN HAVE THE VIRUS REMOVED BY TELEPHONE. CALL 1-888-265-8008 AND TELL THE OPERATOR TO CANCEL THE VIRUS. THE OPERATOR WILL DEACTIVATE THE VIRUS FROM THEIR END.

TECHNICAL NOTE: YOU **MUST** EXPLAIN TO THE OPERATOR YOU'RE ATTEMPTING TO DEACTIVATE THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. THE TECHNICAL SUPPORT OFFICE YOU'RE TALKING TO IS EXTREMELY PROFESSIONALLY EMBARRASSED BY UNLEASHING THIS VIRUS ON THE WORLD AND WILL DELAY DEACTIVATING IT. FOR LEGAL REASONS, THEY MAY EVEN *DENY* THE EXISTENCE OF THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. DON'T FALL FOR THEIR STORY!

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Cows

by w2ktechman In reply to Friday Yuk

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of

four cows.

You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

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A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime

and steal someone else's cows and shoot the owner.

----------------------------------------------------------

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION

A farmer has two cows.

You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international

community to supply more.

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A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow

and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon

images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.

----------------------------------------------------------

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years,

eat once a month, and milk themselves.

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A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

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AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You pray to them for food.

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AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You break for lunch.

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A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

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A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.

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A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity,

and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

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AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left is kinda cute...

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Only in America

by w2ktechman In reply to Friday Yuk

ONLY IN North AMERICA


1. Only in America.......can a pizza get to
your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to t
he counters.

6. Only in America.......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7... Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'...

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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Just for the record

by maecuff In reply to Only in America

I keep my mouth closed when applying mascara. I checked.

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And that Mae,

by jdclyde In reply to Just for the record

is just the way it should be.... :0

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An amendment

by maecuff In reply to And that Mae,

Unless, I am expressing an opinion about something while I'm applying mascara, then my mouth is probably open. I'm good at multi-tasking.

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Lets see if I've got this right Mae

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to An amendment

So you apply Mascara while talking and driving to work with a Hands Free Kit on the Mobile in the other ear. :0

Now is that what you are saying? ?

Yep that's Multitasking and it's good that you can do it but how many collisions are you involved in per day? More importantly of those other drivers that you collide with how many survive your shovel when you are obviously in the wrong? I know you are just protecting yourself and it's quite understandable. B-)

Just one favour here will you please let me know when & where you'll be driving anytime of the day so I can avoid you completely? ;\

Col ]:)

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Now, Col

by maecuff In reply to Lets see if I've got this ...

Did I say driving? No...I said voicing an opinion. I NEVER apply makeup while driving. And I don't talk on my cell either. In fact, whenever I see people driving while on the phone, I want to run them off the road so that they don't hurt anyone. :)

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Well in that case Mae

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Now, Col

I think that I can arrange to have a shovel firing weapon delivered to you so you can use this to decapitate those you catch driving and talking on the phone at the same time.

As it's a Top Secret Prototype I can always claim that you are Field Testing it for us just to see how accurate the sights are. :^0

Don't mention this to anyone and I'll post it when the Post Office opens Saturday My Time as it's nearly midnight now here.

Enjoy the testing and I'll throw in a couple of thousand rounds of ammunition just for you to play with. :0

Col ]:)

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After running them off the road

by w2ktechman In reply to Now, Col

do you get the shiny shovel out and whack them over the head?

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