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  • #2268438

    Friday Yuk

    Locked

    by hal 9000 ·

    OK I’m feed up with those in the US jumping the clock and posting way before Friday their time so I’m getting in first. 😀

    As a [b]Life Time Member of the Pure Ones[/b] this is safe to read anywhere. :^0

    [b]What gets longer as you pull on it?

    Fits between your breasts?

    Inserts neatly into a hole and works best when jerked?

    [i]Scroll Down for the correct answer[/i]

    A Seatbelt you pervert!

    Buckle up and pass it on.[/b]

    Col ]:)

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    • #2509953

      Old virusi returning

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      VIRUS WARNING!!!

      It has been brought to my attention that there’s an insidious new computer virus which has already affected close to 30 million computers.

      Even though I’m running the latest McAfee and Norton viri scans, neither have picked up this virus as it’s a mutating virus which isn’t set to go off until Friday, June 8, 2001.

      As many viri are, this one is transmitted by email. I’m required by law to contact everyone that has received email from me in the last six months and warn them about this virus.

      TO REMOVE THIS VIRUS BEFORE IT BECOMES EFFECTIVE:

      ** Click your start button.
      ** Click on “Find”.
      ** Click on Files / Folders.
      ** Change the “look in” input box to “My Computer”.
      ** The named input file should have: AOL.EXE

      Once the find engine has located the file, highlight it and press the delete button.

      Deleting this file will fix a damaged 30 megabyte area of your hard drive and restore it to full functionality.

      WARNING: KEEPING THIS FILE ON THE SYSTEM AFTER JUNE 8 WILL COST YOU $2.90 MORE PER MONTH!

      FAILURE TO REMOVE THIS FILE WILL KEEP YOUR “UPPER MEMORY MANAGEMENT” MODULE OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT (IQ OVER 85) BLOCKED. DELETING AOL.EXE WILL FREE YOUR IQ TO GO ABOVE 85!!!

      DELETING THIS FILE WILL ALLOW YOU TO SPELL CORRECTLY AND USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROPERLY.

      BADLY INFECTED SYSTEMS (I.E., SYSTEMS THAT HAVE DESTROYED YOUR ABILITY TO FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS ABOVE) CAN HAVE THE VIRUS REMOVED BY TELEPHONE. CALL 1-888-265-8008 AND TELL THE OPERATOR TO CANCEL THE VIRUS. THE OPERATOR WILL DEACTIVATE THE VIRUS FROM THEIR END.

      TECHNICAL NOTE: YOU **MUST** EXPLAIN TO THE OPERATOR YOU’RE ATTEMPTING TO DEACTIVATE THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. THE TECHNICAL SUPPORT OFFICE YOU’RE TALKING TO IS EXTREMELY PROFESSIONALLY EMBARRASSED BY UNLEASHING THIS VIRUS ON THE WORLD AND WILL DELAY DEACTIVATING IT. FOR LEGAL REASONS, THEY MAY EVEN *DENY* THE EXISTENCE OF THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. DON’T FALL FOR THEIR STORY!

    • #2509944

      Cows

      by w2ktechman ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

      You have two cows.

      You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of

      four cows.

      You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

      ———————————————————-

      A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION

      You have two cows.

      You go on strike because you want three cows.

      They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime

      and steal someone else’s cows and shoot the owner.

      ———————————————————-

      A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION

      A farmer has two cows.

      You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international

      community to supply more.

      ———————————————————-

      A JAPANESE CORPORATION

      You have two cows.

      You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow

      and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon

      images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.

      ———————————————————-

      A GERMAN CORPORATION

      You have two cows.

      You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years,

      eat once a month, and milk themselves.

      ———————————————————-

      A BRITISH CORPORATION

      You have two cows.

      Both are mad.

      ———————————————————-

      AN INDIAN CORPORATION

      You have two cows.

      You pray to them for food.

      ———————————————————-

      AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

      You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.

      You break for lunch.

      ———————————————————-

      A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

      You have two cows.

      You count them and learn you have five cows.

      You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

      You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

      You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

      ———————————————————-

      A SWISS CORPORATION

      You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

      You charge others for storing them.

      ———————————————————-

      A CHINESE CORPORATION

      You have two cows.

      You have 300 people milking them.

      You claim full employment, high bovine productivity,

      and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

      ———————————————————-

      AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

      You have two cows.

      The one on the left is kinda cute…

    • #2509942

      Only in America

      by w2ktechman ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      ONLY IN North AMERICA

      1. Only in America…….can a pizza get to
      your house faster than an ambulance.

      2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

      3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

      4. Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

      5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to t
      he counters.

      6. Only in America…….do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

      7… Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

      8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

      9. Only in America…….do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’…

      10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

      EVER WONDER

      Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

      Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

      Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

      Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

      Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

      Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

      Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

      Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

      Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

      Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

      When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

      Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

      Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

      You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

      Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

      Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

      If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

      If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

      • #2509930

        Just for the record

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to Only in America

        I keep my mouth closed when applying mascara. I checked.

        • #2536888

          And that Mae,

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Just for the record

          is just the way it should be…. :0

        • #2536759

          An amendment

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to And that Mae,

          Unless, I am expressing an opinion about something while I’m applying mascara, then my mouth is probably open. I’m good at multi-tasking.

        • #2536752

          Lets see if I’ve got this right Mae

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to An amendment

          So you apply Mascara while talking and driving to work with a Hands Free Kit on the Mobile in the other ear. :0

          Now is that what you are saying? ?:|

          Yep that’s Multitasking and it’s good that you can do it but how many collisions are you involved in per day? More importantly of those other drivers that you collide with how many survive your shovel when you are obviously in the wrong? I know you are just protecting yourself and it’s quite understandable. B-)

          Just one favour here will you please let me know when & where you’ll be driving anytime of the day so I can avoid you completely? ;\

          Col ]:)

        • #2536746

          Now, Col

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Lets see if I’ve got this right Mae

          Did I say driving? No…I said voicing an opinion. I NEVER apply makeup while driving. And I don’t talk on my cell either. In fact, whenever I see people driving while on the phone, I want to run them off the road so that they don’t hurt anyone. 🙂

        • #2536739

          Well in that case Mae

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Now, Col

          I think that I can arrange to have a shovel firing weapon delivered to you so you can use this to decapitate those you catch driving and talking on the phone at the same time. 😀

          As it’s a [b]Top Secret[/b] Prototype I can always claim that you are [b]Field Testing[/b] it for us just to see how accurate the sights are. :^0

          Don’t mention this to anyone and I’ll post it when the Post Office opens Saturday My Time as it’s nearly midnight now here. 🙁

          Enjoy the testing and I’ll throw in a couple of thousand rounds of ammunition just for you to play with. :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2536649

          After running them off the road

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Now, Col

          do you get the shiny shovel out and whack them over the head?

        • #2536642

          You’re asking for it, W2K

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Now, Col

          How many times does Mae have to tell you? She’s NICE!!!!!

        • #2536608

          Ok, Ok I keep forgetting

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Now, Col

          especially after reading her posts. She scares me with lines like
          “I love him but I might have to off him”
          and the like.

          And receiving a shiny new shovel………..

          I agree with Col, she should warn everyone on TR before she drives anywhere, so that we can stay off the streets (or get run off the road and whacked with a shovel).

        • #2536604

          W2K

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Now, Col

          Really, I’m all talk. I’ve never killed or seriously injured anyone. However, I am entering the whole ‘menopausal’ stage in my life, so there is really no telling what may happen over the next 10 years or so.

          My husband has learned to sleep with one eye open and sharp things are usually hidden from me. Although, that’s mainly because I’ve skewered myself a few times while attempting to cook. And I’ve set the stove on fire twice. Man, do that at my house and you NEVER live it down..

        • #2536546

          You need…

          by gsg ·

          In reply to Now, Col

          a bumper sticker that says “Don’t MAKE me get my shovel”

        • #2536742

          2nd amendment

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to An amendment

          alternating opinions with sipping libation whilst getting ready for a night out…

          multi-multi tasking!

          😉

          GG

        • #2536738

          You know..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to 2nd amendment

          I plan on doing that this very night! I’ll think of you while I’m nagging, applying makeup and drinking.

          Have a good weekend!

        • #2536735

          Sorry you blew it there Mae

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to You know..

          You used that [b]N[/b] word. 🙁

          I just hate [b]Nagging Females[/b] as they drive me nuts so the trial is off as I don’t want a constant stream of complaints delivered my way about what needs improving on the new weapon. :0

          I suppose you are one of those women who insist on viewing Hard Core Porn like those terrible Womens magazines that are all adds and tripe as well. 🙁

          Col

          Anyway have a [b]GREAT WEEKEND[/b] and if you can remember getting home you didn’t drink anywhere near enough so you didn’t enjoy yourself as much as you could have. 🙂

        • #2536684

          Me too, GG

          by dmambo ·

          In reply to You know..

          “I’ll think of you while I’m nagging, applying makeup and drinking.”

          (j/k – I don’t really nag!) :^0

        • #2536671

          Col

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to You know..

          Don’t go feeling too bad for my husband, he has it pretty good with me. And I never nag unless he deserves it, and I ALWAYS have his best interest at heart. 🙂

          Oh? And I blew it? I’ll thank you to keep my personal life out of this. 🙂

        • #2536592

          Lol — a Fire hazard too?

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to You know..

          ma’an, I am glad I do not get in your way! I must remember that if you ever offer to cook for me, I should call the FD and run away or be in danger of being cooked myself.

          when you decide to cook (burn down the house) is your hubby asleep???

        • #2536589

          Of course not

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to You know..

          he’s not stupid.

          In my defense..if there is a setting on the stove for ‘very very very hot’ you SHOULD be able to use it without things catching on fire.

          I have learned from both experiences. You know, things like ‘what NOT to throw on a burning stove’. Also, I learned that after you get the fire to go out, you have to actually remember to turn the burner off, or the things that you threw on the fire that you probably shouldn’t have thrown on the fire will just catch on fire again.

        • #2536586

          ROLF

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to You know..

          turn the stove back off.

          Lol
          You actually re-initiated the fire do to this???
          LOL

          So, how sharp is that shovel now??? I hear a grindstone in the background.

        • #2536580

          I just skipped the all important first step

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to You know..

          I didn’t turn the stove off to begin with. I just put the fire out (in a round about way) before turning the burner off and the fire started up again. By the time it was all over, it took an hour to clean the stove up. My husband just watched. And to his credit, he didn’t laugh. Too much.

          This was the second time I caught it on fire, the first really REALLY wasn’t my fault. It was a misunderstanding on how to use a particular pan. It was really meant for the oven, but I thought it would make a handy griddle. Turns out I was wrong.

        • #2536527

          Lucky

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to You know..

          If you left a gas burner on….

          but really, not your fault??? Who made the descision to use the wrong pan? c’mon, is it the stoves fault or the bacons fault???
          Or maybe it is the fault of the fan for not sucking all of the flames up and putting out the fire.

          But on the flip side, I tried making french fries once, I overfilled the oil and put it on high. Can you see a problem with oil, boiling, and adding frozen FF’s???
          its called overflow and instant shooting flames.
          But at least I admit that it was my mistake, I didnt blame the oil or stove or FF’s.

        • #2536504

          If it had been a gas stove

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to You know..

          everything would have been fine. But no, it is an electric stove. And contrary to popular belief, you CAN throw water on a fire raging on an electric stove and the world does not cease spinning. It does leave a mess, though.

          Sure, I can see how I could take responsibility, but I just don’t feel like it.

        • #2536500

          You are too funny!

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to You know..

          I thought everyone knew to throw baking powder on it, as water can make an oily fire spread quickly.

        • #2536482

          I understand the baking soda theory

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to You know..

          however, if the closest thing you have is flour..

          let’s just say that it’s not the same. And scorched, watery glue is not fun to clean up.

        • #2536470

          FLOUR????

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to You know..

          That’s an explosive item, what where you doing teaching yourself on how to make an incendiary device with common house hold materials? I take it that you are part of either one of those Self sufficient Government Hate Groups or a Terrorist right? B-)

          That’s almost as bad as my [b]Mommy[/b] about 5 years ago now she went out shopping and left the dog food cooking. As I drove past the house I saw the FB Breaking in to put out the smoking mess on the stove. By the time that I got in there they had torn off one of those roll down blinds and smashed their way through the window and emptied several hundred gallons of water into the kitchen when all that was required was to walk up to the stove and turn that one burner off. They didn’t even clean out the saucepan. 🙁

          It was about that time that I started wondering if it was such a great idea to allow my mother to keep living in my house as she was obviously suffering from Dementia and needed putting in a nursing home for her own protection. Unfortunately after all the nursing homes found out about her they all refused to accept her as a client so I’m stuck with her and to make things worse she’s just got her [b]Letters[/b] at Speech & Drama so she can officially teach. When I asked her why she had gone to such lengths she just said because I was told to by your sisters teacher who had by that time been teaching S&D for over 10 years. Now I have just settled for a massive Insurance Policy on the house and contents. 😡

          What I can’t understand is that she’ll do as a perfect stranger tells her to do but totally ignores anything that I suggest that she does for her own good. :_|

          OH Mae I’m sure that you think that your [b]Better Half, Lord & Master or whatever[/b] needs constant nagging for his own good but does he? :0

          The last time that [b]SWMBO[/b] went off the deep end for something that she did and then blamed me for I just picked up a pen and started to walk toward her holding it in front of me. After 2 steps she shut up and never said another word but she knows that my preferred weapon of choice is a lowly Pen as no one is likely to feel threatened as you walk to wards them with one but if you are caring a Sword, Machete or firearm of some kind they will panic but with a pen I can kill them before they hit the floor. It’s even better than a shovel. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2536142

          FLOUR go Boom! :0

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to You know..

          I saw a guy on a show (NOT Mythbusters) that made a pseudo malatov cocktail with a bag of refined flour and a flaming rag.

          He dropped it off of a tower used by firemen for trainging. The bag hit the ground, the flour puffed up in the air, and when the mixture was right it created a HUGE ball of flame as the flour caught fire.

          On a similar note, somebody forgot to put out the pilot light on their stove in a railroad apartment where they were sanding the hard-wood floors. Again, when the mixture was right the force from the ignition was strong enough to blow the windows out of the front of the apartment.

          N.B.: “railroad apartment” means, for the uninitiated, an apartment where all rooms are in a line with windows at the front and back of the building. Entry doorway is usually in the middle. These are popular in the New York City area.

      • #2536733

        And futhermore…

        by tonythetiger ·

        In reply to Only in America

        [i]6. Only in America…….do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.[/i]

        And we park in driveways and drive on parkways.

        [i]8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. [/i]

        The hot dog manufacturing community has responded. You can now buy hot dogs in packages of eight (of course, the cost of this manufacturing change is passed along to the consumer in the form of higher prices).

    • #2509924

      You

      by rob miners ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Americans are allways getting us Aussies mixed up with the Kiwi’s. The one on the left looks cute? Mate we train our cows to milk themselves. Havent you seen Crocodile Dundee?

    • #2536828

      Steve Ballmer on the phone in his office at Microsoft…

      by techexec2 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      .
      [In case you missed this from yesterday…Office 2007 has a highly critical vulnerability (1) ]

      [b]Steve Ballmer on the phone in his office at Microsoft…[/b]

      …..Yes, that’s right, Mom. Office 2007 is very secure……[bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz]…..Yes, Mom. It’s the most secure Office ever…..[bzz bzz bzz]…..No, those days are gone forever. That won’t happen to you again. Promise. Just install it and you’ll be a lot more secure…..[ring ring ring]…..Hold on a minute, I’ve got a call on the other line. Hold on right there. I’ll be right back with you…

      […goes to line 2…]

      Hello, this is Steve Ballmer!…..[bzz bzz bzz]…..Helloooo Mr. Ray Ozzie!! And how is everything going for my new Chief Software Architect?…..[bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz]…..What?!!! It’s got a what?!!!…..[bzz bzz bzz]…..God d*** mother f***** bastard lazy ass incompetent Office team programmers!! Those sons of bitches did it to me again…..[bzz bzz bzz]…..No. Really. I’ll calm down, I promise…..[bzz bzz bzz]…..No, that won’t be necessary this time…..[bzz bzz bzz]…..Thanks for your concern. And, thanks for letting me know about this…..[bzz bzz bzz]…..All right. Bye.

      […back to line 1…]

      Mom, I’m sorry, I’ve really got to go right now. And, uhh, hold off on installing that Office 2007 for now. I’ll call you back a little later…..[bzz bzz bzz]…..No. Nothing’s wrong. I’ve just got to go take care of something…..[bzz bzz bzz]…..Of course not!! Office 2007 is just fine!! It’s just another one of those CEO things. You know. Same sh*t, different day!…..[bzz bzz bzz]…..Yes, Mom. I love you too. See you Saturday. Bye.

      F***!!!!

      :^0 :^0 :^0

      ————-

      (1) Highly critical Office 2007 vulnerability
      http://blogs.techrepublic.com.com/security/?p=162

    • #2536810

      Happy Friday!!

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Heres my contibution, oh and Col, I told you the cat was better! I got good ole Dixie Dean now, what a guy!! Anyways here we go…

      A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband’s 60th birthday.

      During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

      The wife said, “We’ve been so poor all these years, and I’ve never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.” The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

      Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, “Well, I’d like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me.”

      The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

      ——————————————–

      Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband’s rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don’t do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

      The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed’s behind. The mortician can’t believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

      Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man’s ear, “It HURTS, doesn’t it?”

      ——————————————–

      There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

      “Hello?”
      “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
      “Yes.”
      “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
      “What’s the price?”
      “Only $1,500.00.”
      “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much … ”

      “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year … ”
      “What price did he quote you?”
      “Only $60,000 … ”
      “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

      “Great! But before we hang up, something else … ”
      “What?”
      “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property … ”
      “How much are they asking?”
      “Only $450,000 – a magnificent price … and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover … ”

      “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
      “OK, sweetie … Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
      “Bye … I do too … ”

      The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?

      ——————————————–

      ATTRACTION… the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

      LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT… what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

      DATING… the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

      BIRTH CONTROL… avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

      EASY… a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

      EYE CONTACT… a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

      FRIEND… a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

      INDIFFERENCE… a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be “playing hard to get”.

      INTERESTING… a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

      IRRITATING HABIT… what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

      LAW OF RELATIVITY… how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

      NYMPHOMANIAC… a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

      SOBER… condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

      • #2536790

        See I knew that you could manage it Steffi

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Happy Friday!!

        A bunch of totally clean and [b]PURE[/b] jokes that can not possibly offend anyone. :p

        Still want to claim that you are really [b]IMPURE[/b] and the Bandaged Pu$$y looked much better. 🙂

        Col ]:)

        • #2536785

          Col!

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to See I knew that you could manage it Steffi

          stop looking at Steffi’s bandaged pu$$y!

          that’s very [b] rude! [/b]

          ;\ 😉

          GG

          ]:)

          I suppose we should all be grateful, though, that you haven’t yet offered to “kiss it better”….. ]:)

          where’s that angel ‘moticon…..

        • #2536782

          He cant help himself

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Col!

          He just loves the pu$$y in danger look!!

        • #2536770

          If this helps Steffi

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to He cant help himself

          I can arrange to have a Vet come in and [b]Put Down[/b] your bandaged Pu$$y for you as it looks as if it’s suffering and I don’t tolerate inflicting pain on [b]Dumb Animals[/b] or 12 year old Students working in Germany. :p

        • #2536774

          GG How can I look at something that isn’t there?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Col!

          As for offering to [b]Kiss it Better NO WAY IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!![/b] I don’t know where it’s been or what diseases that it’s been exposed to so I’m staying well away from it for as long as possible.

          Though I must admit that the small Avatar size looks totally different to what it actually is doesn’t it You Highness? The soccer Ball almost looks like the head of a baby being forced to do obscene things to the naked man holding it. 😀

          As for the Angel Emotion I’m not allowed to use it as Steffi goes completely Crazy and blows a [b]Head Gasket.[/b] So I’m not currently using it as I like a quite life with out my mail boxes filled up with complaints from her. :_|

          Anyway both Steffi & Shelly seem to be having [b]Extremely Bad Days Today Don’t They?[/b] Steffi uses what looks like an obscene and totally illegal act and Shelly seems to think that when I say that Neil in a fit of fear will wimp out of the M&G claiming some obscure and contagious disease that you gave it to him. It really makes me wonder what runs through those 2 minds at times.

          But I still think that you’re [b]Too Sexy for your Own Good.[/b] 😡

          Col ]:)

          I wonder just how long that Avatar will last now. :^0

        • #2536771

          Is there anything that I can have?

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to GG How can I look at something that isn’t there?

          Without you tearing into me for it 🙁

          I just want a peaceful life and as for me filling your inbox when you use the angel!! I think its the other way round no matter what I use!!

          (not that im tryng to please him GG n Shell so dont shout at me!!)

        • #2536765

          Steffi I’m not tearing into you in the slightest

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Is there anything that I can have?

          I’m just making an observation. Believe me if I wanted to offend you would certainly know that I was having a go at you in no uncertain terms. :p

          Is this what they mean by just how much better things would be if Wo-To-Men ran the World? All bitching and misreading things nothing would ever get done. But I still Loves you too Steff. 😡

          Col ]:)

        • #2536754

          Awww I’m so easy!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Steffi I’m not tearing into you in the slightest

          You won me over 😀 loves you too 😀

          And yes GG I do realise Ive just said im easy :p

        • #2536768

          steff..

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to GG How can I look at something that isn’t there?

          we’re just f***ed…no matter what we say he’s going to turn it around on us..

          and i can’t believe he’s blaming the thing with GG on me..it was him who posted..and my dirty mind took over form there..

          i gonna run though, early lunch then a meeting..so won’t be back in office.

          take it easy girl ok

        • #2536760

          Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to steff..

          [i]we’re just f***ed…no matter what we say he’s going to turn it around on us.[/i]

          Firstly it implies that I have a quick mind and can twist your words to my advantage. 😀

          Or it means that I’m like a Politician and only see what I want to to and reply in kind. Now that would really be insulting to put me in with those Criminals. I would have to cry myself to sleep every night and have nightmares of Maggi as she still haunts my thoughts. :_|

          I wonder if her hair still goes rusty when it’s washed. ?:|

          Col

          [i][b]PS[/b] Shelly I’ve changed my Avatar just for Steffi to enjoy.[/i] :^0

        • #2536751

          If

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          Your changing you avatar for me to enjoy then I think it definitely shouldnt be the halo!!

        • #2536748

          Steffi it’s for GG HONEST!

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          .

        • #2536736

          Yeah yeah!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          Im not sure GG would apreciate it either :p

        • #2536730

          BUT BUT BUT GG

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          Asked for it somewhere in this very thread so I’m only doing as my Queen Commands. :p

          I hope you are not suggesting that I don’t follow without question the wishes of [b]My Queen[/b] are you? I’ll have you know that as a [b]Loyal Servant of the Crown[/b] I do everything that I’m told to or asked to do by the Crown.

          What do you think that I’m totally insane to cross GG? I like to laugh I don’t have a [b]Death Wish![/b] 😀

          Col

        • #2536583

          Steffi, your avatar almost looks

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          Criminal

        • #2536467

          See Steffi

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          I’m not the only one and while I hate to say it [b]I TOLD YOU SO![/b]

          Nuf said

          Col

        • #2537429

          Is Everyone Happy Now??

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          I use an innocent picture, as innocent as innocent can be, of a footballer from the 20’s who is still the only player in English football to have scored 60 League goals in one season, and you guys discrace his name by saying it looks dirty!! Im disgusted!! So, I’ve returned to my beat up Pu$$y look, I hope your all happy 🙁

        • #2536211

          Steffi Fair is Fair

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          I never said it was a Dirty Picture only that at the size it was being displayed at it didn’t look too Kosher. :p

          There is a difference you know? :^0

          OH BTW did you get a laugh out of what I sent you? I know Shelly is insisting that you’re only 12 years old and I’m not about to start an argument with her as I hate [b]Nagging Women[/b] so I was very careful not to send anything that could contribute to the [b]Delinquency of a Minor.[/b] :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2536160

          Beat up?!? Steffi? Never!

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          You have me stumped on this one… The avatar looks to me like a cat looking into a goldfish bowl at a goldfish swimming around just left of the cat’s nose.

          I always thought of it as Steffi looking at Col and just waiting to pounce!

          Steffi, are you toying with Col by letting him think that it is the cat with problems?

        • #2535851

          Dave

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          The pu$$y in question is grinning a develish grin as its about to pounce and go in for the kill i merely told Col that this was our relationship, anyday now im going to pounce and go in for the kill, and for some reason he has taken to insulting my pu$$y and says its all beaten up and has bandages and everything.

          I think he’s just jealous because I found it first and my avatar is much MUCH better than his stupid attmept of a halo :p

        • #2535845

          Well in that case my dear

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          I’m just going to have to keep my eye on you aren’t I? 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2535844

          Most definitely Col

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          A very close eye is needed, you never know when I’ll feel the need to pounce :p

          Edited to add – but now the eye is back I may just go a little easier on you and be just a bit nicer 🙂

        • #2535801

          And spoil all the fun I don’t think so. :^0

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          Just because [b]SWMBO[/b] couldn’t look me in the face when I looked like that doesn’t mean that others can’t. :p

          But if you ever pull that Girly Stunt again and burst into tears about being picked on you’ll get it back in Buckets. :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2535792

          OK OK

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          I wont go easier on you, but I have to pull the girly stunt every once in a while it reminds me that im going to need to act like a lady at least once in my lifetime!

        • #2535781

          Well in that case Steffi

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          Think of it this way the next time that you pull that Girly stunt on me you will be the one wearing the [b]Wet T Shirt [i]well not exactly as I’ll do it Darwin style as water is way too precious here at the moment. You’ll get to stand up on a stage in front of several thousand males and then you can take off your t Shirt and throw it into a Bucket of Water while a CO2 Fire Extinguisher is discharged in your general area.[/i][/b] Still think that sounds like something that a [b]Laid-ee[/b] would do? :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2535770

          Hmmm

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          Sounds good to me where do I sign up and where and when will it take place??

        • #2535741

          Act like a Lady ?:|

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          Just the other day you proclaim kicking a$$e$ if you are called a Lady

          ah but you’re just gonna be acting
          so you’re not going to be a lady :^0 😉

          Rob

        • #2535726

          Yes

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          Just acting, I wouldnt want the things that stick out in front of me to be the only things that say im female!!

        • #2535715

          UM if that’s the case

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          Why would you be acting? :0

          Surely the bits that stick out the front will only be a hint if you did act as a Lady would wouldn’t they? 🙂

          Then again that Master Card Add that you worked so hard to have baned

          Makeup = $40.00

          Boob Job = $5,600.00

          Dress = $400.00

          Forgetting to tuck your nuts in = Priceless

          Col

        • #2535707

          Because theres a difference

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Well I’m not sure if that a complement or an insult. :(

          Between being female and being a lady, and I’m not denying that im definitely female, just not a lady so sometimes I have to act like one just to pretend!!

          And as for the attempt to bad that pic, I was just concerned incase someone opened it in work and got into trouble, it was just a friendly warning, if I had wanted to ban it I wouldnt of posted itlast week now would I? :p

        • #2536724

          I don’t know what’s keeping him

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Col!

          I get the sense that he has only barely restrained himself from extending the offer.

          Steffi could find herself in big trouble!

          Have a great weekend, GG!

        • #2536721

          Well it’s like this Tig

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I don’t know what’s keeping him

          After the female makes a giant [b]Wet Spot[/b] in the bed and then refuses to sleep in what she’s made I don’t see why i should be the one left to suffer. :p

          Besides women scare me as they are strange dangerous creatures. 🙁

          Col

        • #2536333

          The angel is now there GG

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Col!

          I’ll forward any complaints from Steffi directly to you so you as the [b]Queen of TR[/b] can sort her out. :0

          Remember that she needs a much firmer hand to deal with than Neil ever did. :p

          Col

        • #2536784

          Well!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to See I knew that you could manage it Steffi

          As much as half of the city of Liverpool would kill me for saying this, Id much rather have my evil Pu$$y than Dixie, alhtough I’m not saying hes not a legend, but evil bandaged pu$$y wins hands down!!

        • #2536758

          Steffi forget Liverpool

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Well!!

          They are unimportant and can not hurt you in any way so say what you like. 😀

          I think that I remember reading about the people that lived there in Gulliver’s Travels they are small people who you could squash quite easily with just one finger even the little 12 year old that you are would tower over them. Though on the other hand all of them would be looking up your dress all the time so you may have to stop the perverts by training them not to do such a terrible thing, :^0

          Anyway their feelings are not important at all so do as you please. 😡

          Col
          [b]BTW[/b] the Avatar is staying put this time Till I feel the need to change back to my eye so that I can keep an Eye on you and your actions. :0

        • #2536757

          :0

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Steffi forget Liverpool

          Though on the other hand all of them would be looking up your dress all the time so you may have to stop the perverts by training them not to do such a terrible thing

          You do realise that Liverpool is my home town?? Im offended!!

        • #2536750

          So what are you

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to :0

          [b]Off Ended About?[/b] 🙂

          The fact that the perverts there keep looking up your dresses or something much worse? B-)

          Besides I always understood that Gulliver constantly claimed just how [b]Good and Friendly[/b] the Liverputians where. Even though when he first meet them they tried out some [b]Bondage[/b] on him and enjoyed the work. 😉

          Col ]:)

        • #2536744

          Yup

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to So what are you

          Sounds about right good and friendly and willing to try out bondage :p

        • #2536723

          Well Steffi I have to go to bed now

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to So what are you

          As [b]SWMBO[/b] is demanding her [b]Ugly Sleep[/b] and I don’t want to keep her awake as she’ll be upset for the next several days. 🙁

          Currently she’s so ugly that any glass shatters if she comes within a mile of it so everything here is 317 Stainless Steal highly polished to a mirror finish so she can use it for some kind of mirror. Even these things which are an inch thick only last 3 days before shattering and leaving sharp dangerous pieces of Stainless Steel in the carpets. Funny thing is that she never goes near the mirror in the bathroom. It could be the shape of it as she looks shorter than she actually is only about 8 inches high and about 8 feet across the backside. :^0

          Originally it was a flat 4 inch thick piece of stainless but after 3 weeks of her looking in it it has twisted out of shape. 🙁

          Col

        • #2536720

          Uh, HAL?

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Steffi forget Liverpool

          That is Lilliput, not Liverpool. I don’t think that Liverpool natives are as tiny as Lilliputians.

          Gulliver you ain’t!

        • #2536660

          ah wel, Hal knows

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Uh, HAL?

          where the bel hangs but doesn’t know where the clapper is.

          Does that ring a bel.

          Have a great weekend 🙂

          Rob

        • #2536466

          I Know that Tig but do you think

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Uh, HAL?

          Steffi does. :^0

          After all that particular part of the world has some strange practises and really would you want to upset Steffi and then stand in her way? ;\

          Col ]:)

        • #2536332

          UM Tig would you like this AI

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Uh, HAL?

          To delete your User Account with TR? Remember be nice or I may do something that you regret. 😀

          Col :0

      • #2536728

        I learned something about

        by tonythetiger ·

        In reply to Happy Friday!!

        prostitutes. Men don’t pay them for sex… they pay them to LEAVE afterward.

      • #2536669

        Playing sports ;)

        by rob mekel ·

        In reply to Happy Friday!!

        A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. She yelled “fore” but it was too late.

        The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

        The woman rushed over to the man and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him earnestly.

        “Ummph, oooh, noooo… I’ll be fine in a few minutes”, he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

        But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.

        She then asked him, “How does that feel?”

        He replied still in agony, “It feels great, but it doesn’t do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!”
        ———

        Rob

    • #2536743

      Johnny’s School Day

      by dmambo ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

      Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.”

      Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

      Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

      Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

      Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

      Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

      Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

      Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

      Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

      Johnny is even madder than before.

      Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

      Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

      Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”

      Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

      When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these b!tches would keep their mouths shut!”

      The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!”

      Johnny: “BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?”

    • #2536685

      all because of a date line :)

      by rob mekel ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Well, I’ll give you the benefite.
      —–

      A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
      “Why are you crying?” he asks.

      “I’ve never been hugged,” she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.

      “Why are you crying?” he asks.

      “I’ve never been kissed,” she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.

      “Why are you crying?” he asks.

      “I’ve never been screwed,” she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.

      “There,” he says. “Now you’re screwed.”
      —–

      A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.
      The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”

      He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

      On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

      Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

      As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”

      He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”

      The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

      Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.”

      ——-

      Michael invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Michael’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Michael and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
      Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Michael and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Michael volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just roommates.”

      About a week later, Joanne came to Michael and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Joanne said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”

      So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

      Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Joanne, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Joanne. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”
      🙂 😉

      Rob

    • #2536672

      Corny ones!

      by mr.wiz ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      1 . How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
      Unique Up On It.

      2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
      Tame Way.

      3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
      They Take The Psycho Path

      4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
      You Boil The Hell Out Of It

      5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
      Dam!

      6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
      Polaroid’s

      7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
      A Stick

      8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
      Nacho Cheese.

      9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers?
      Subordinate Clauses

      10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
      Quattro Sinko.

      11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
      Spoiled Milk.

      12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
      Frostbite.

      13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
      A Nervous Wreck.

      14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
      Anyone Can Roast Beef.

      15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
      Right Where You Left Him.

      16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
      Because They Have Big Fingers .

      17. Why Don’t Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
      Because It Scares The Dog.

      18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
      Sanka.

      19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
      The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

      20. Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall Down?
      Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

      21. What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
      A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

      • #2536664

        The Corny ones are the best :)

        by steffi28 ·

        In reply to Corny ones!

        Did you hear about the rich Arab who bought a herd of cows?
        He became a milk sheikh.

        Did you hear about the man who listened to the match?
        He burnt his ear.

        Did you hear about the karate champion who joined the army?
        The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself.

        Did you hear about the young man who got really worried when his nose kept growing until it was eleven inches long?
        He thought it might turn into a foot.

        Did you hear about the florist who had two children?
        One is a budding genius and the other one is a blooming idiot.

        Did you hear about the mad scientist who crossed a parrot with an alligator?
        It bit off his arm and said, ‘who’s a pretty boy then?’

        Did you hear about the musical ghost?
        He wrote haunting melodies.

        Did you hear about the woman who was so ugly she could make yogurt just by staring at a glass of milk for an hour?

        Did you hear about the farmer’s boy who hated working in the country?
        He went to London and got a job as a shoe-shine boy. So the farmer made hay while the son shone.

        Did you hear the one about the statistician?
        Probably….

        Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
        Great food but no atmosphere.

        Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
        He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

        Did you hear about the paranoid with low self-esteem?
        He thought that nobody important was out to get him.

        Did you hear about the animal hotel that has exclusive accommodation for squirrels?
        It’s called The Nutcracker Suite.

        Did you hear about the guy who went bankrupt in the laundry business?
        He said he was all washed up.

        Did you hear about the guy who plugged his electric blanket into the toaster?
        He was popping out of bed all night.

        Did you hear about the stupid yachtsman who had his arm cut off so that he could sail round the world single-handed.

        Did you hear about the child who was named after his father?
        They called him dad.

        Did you hear what happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist?
        He was repossessed.

      • #2536585

        Tom Jones Syndrome

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to Corny ones!

        A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.
        “Well it’s like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing ‘The green green grass of home’. If I see a cat then it’s ‘What’s new, pu$$y cat?’. It’s so embaracing, even when I’m asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was ‘Delilah’, and my wife was not amused!”

        “Yes, it would apear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome.”

        “Well I’ve never heard of that, is it common?” asked the man.

        “It’s not unusual,” replied the doctor.

        Edited: because apparently pussy cat are naughty words..

        • #2536512

          What’s up with that?

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Tom Jones Syndrome

          P8ssycat is a bad thing???

          Too strange…

        • #2536503

          I dunno

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to What’s up with that?

          Tom Jones would be horribly distressed..

        • #2536158

          I wonder

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to I dunno

          if you can say “fanny cat”? If so then this obviously isn’t a British naughty-bits filter!

        • #2535853

          Looks like you can

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to I wonder

          Obviously not british naughty bits then, it still cracks me up that we use that word to mean summit rude and the americans use it all the time ie fanny pack, it really tickles me lol

        • #2535847

          Steffi check your PM my dear

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          And more importantly why can you not use the name of an old US TV show without getting the last word blanked out? It was even a [b]Family[/b] Show and was loved by everyone in the US but I’m guessing that [b]Leave it to B-E-A-V-E-R[/b] is to risqu? for them now. :^0

          Just shows how we are separated by the one language doesn’t it? :0

          You can keep your [b]Sweat Fanny Adams[/b] just don’t use the word Pu$$y Cat or another animal which chews down trees and makes their own dams as that is considered as Obscene. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2535843

          That animal

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          which chews down trees and makes their own dams is also considered naughty in UK too so that ones not just a US thing, but the poor animals, I do feel sorry for them not being able to have their names mentioned, poor Pu$$y cat.

        • #2535799

          And I was ridiculed because

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          I called them Puddy Cats just like Tweety as in [i]I thought I saw a Puddy Cat[/i] but Pu$$y looks so much better now. :p

          [b]OH BTW[/b] did you answer that question? I only have to get another 106 people accept my answers and I can stop answering questions and have my favourite number constantly displayed. 😀

          When they first brought out the Top 100 list I asked to be [b]Hard Coded to 666 out the top 100[/b] I even PMed GG and asked her quite politely to give The Trivia Geek a [b]Royal Decree[/b] but either she forgot or they didn’t get around to making the necessary changes before another site update. 🙁

          But a [b]Thumbs Up and 666[/b] will look so much better than this.

          http://tinyurl.com/fz854

          It will even look as if TR and its staff appreciate me having [b]The Mark Of The Beast![/b] :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2535794

          If you want your number

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          Then theres no way you can call them puddy cats! I mean how silly would it look you with 666 and saying puddy!! Could be worse, you could say look at the purty puddy cat, then I’d get worried!!

          Edited to add, yes I did get your question, but I only ever seem to answer the ones that dont give thumbs out 🙁 ahh im forever doomed to be a zero!

        • #2535777

          Steffi don’t worry about the nongs who don’t rate Questions

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          They are not worth the effort in giving a second thought to besides most of them are first time members who once they get their answer I never expect to see again.

          All you can do is know that you’ve done the right thing and pat yourself on the back for what you’ve done. Lets face it No One else is going to are they. :0

          But I saw it and couldn’t resist as I remember you saying such nice things about Sharepoint. 😀 :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2535771

          Yes

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          I truly love that programme, more and more with each day 🙂

        • #2535714

          A true woman can be described with just one word

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          MASOCHISTS!

        • #2535709

          Of Course

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          I agree with you there, why else do you think I didnt mind your wet t-shirt idea 😉

        • #2537093

          to compare

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          How on earth name can you call a “wet T-shirt contest” masochistic :?|

          Unless … it’s referring to the ones watching :^0 😀

          Rob

        • #2537053
        • #2537050

          Setting yourself up for “Look, but don’t touch…”

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          is, in many peoples’ books, masochistic.

          And with all of these Ladies of Darkness around, you can bet your fanny pack* that it will be pure masochism to look and not be able to touch.

          *(Edited to add “it was written in America so it is clean and Pure.”)

        • #2537044

          But

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          I read it in real English so that makes it rude :0

        • #2537040

          Now Rob where in this part of the thread did I mention Wet T Shirts?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          I was just making a general observation about all females they love to make out that they are the unwilling participants in things that they enjoy.

          It suits their ends to make out that they are the [b]Injured Innocents[/b] when actually they are as [b]Guilty as Sin![/b]

          Even Steffi accepts this without any argument. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2537024

          I would never

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          deny my love of things, if I say I dont love it im less likely to get it then!! :p

        • #2536955

          Sorry Steffi looks like I’ll have to expand

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          On the above Post. Woman are Machosits at heart because they say one thing while meaning a completely different thing. Many women are incapable of understanding the logic applied by other women.

          As an Example when Number 1 Brat was born I was told in no uncertain terms [b]NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/b] and then she decided that 18 months or so latter that another child would be nice. I suggested adoption but [b]SWMBO[/b] was having none of that and was laughing about her attempt to kill me while Monster 1 was being born they needed 3 midwives and a Doctor to stop her chocking me to death and she thought that she could convince me to willing go through that again [b]No Bloody Way![/b]

          Then when Brat 2 was nearing term she started to complain bitterly about me getting her in that condition when she actually attacked and Raped me to get a Bun in the oven. Not satisfied with me organising holidays of 2 months a day before she was due to give birth she then crossed her legs and refused to allow anything to happen till the last week when I was due to return to work and then she started blaming me for deliberately leaving her alone with the to be as yet [b]New Born.[/b] So in a act of Self Preservation I walked her around the city all the day that she was due to attend the Gynie and then when she got there with her Blood pressure through the roof she was rushed into Hospital and Induced. Then I got blamed that because the Gynie came in at 4.00 AM and induced her while he was there it was my fault that she missed Breakfast and then lunch. By this stage I was aware of her foul temper and insisted on the staff handcuffing her to the whatever they call those bloody things so she couldn’t lash out and attempt to murder me again.

          Example Number 2 Daughter In Law arranged to be driven to work today then at the last minute rang up and said I’m not going to work as the person who mows the lawn has not shown up so I can not go to work. Now to me you pay the guy to mow the lawn and if anything it’s a very good reason to go to work so that you have money to pay for what you order but not this one who insists on buying something and then working out how to actually pay for it. She totally confuses me and I’ve never bothered to ask [b]SWMBO[/b] for an explanation as I don’t want to waste several days and then be constantly abused because I don’t understand her and her reasoning. I just nod my head in agreement and look the other way hoping that everything will go away and not be mentioned again.

          Well I got it both ways today as at first as I was agreeing with [b]SWMBO[/b] this was taken as a sign that I was ignoring her and then worse agreeing with the Daughter in Law who I’ve wanted to strangle several million times before she was brought into the family by marriage actually at the marriage I tried to throw her off the top of a building down 15 floors onto concrete to see if she survived the fall or just flew back up. So as I was now facing a [b]No Win Situation[/b] I asked and instead of the tirade that I expected I was just greeted with a blank look and told I don’t know what the [b]Silly Bitch is doing either![/b]

          Chalk up one for Col and it ended [b]SWMBO[/b] tearing into me for ignoring her or taking the other ones side when all I wanted to do was kill her in the slowest and most painful way possible that didn’t leave any trace.

          I could go one and on but those examples are sufficient to prove my case. 😀

          Col

        • #2515085

          AARRGHH My First Double Post!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          Because I already would like to kill my husband and we dont have children and im not pregnant, does that mean I have a head start in life? and am a I more advanced wife than others who have been married 6 months??

        • #2515084

          So, does that mean

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          Because I already would like to kill my husband and we dont have children and im not pregnant, does that mean I have a head start in life? and am a I more advanced wife than others who like me have been married 6 months??

        • #2516039

          Actually in that case Divorce is cheaper

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          And far less likely to get you into trouble of the worst kind. :p

          But then again can you be [b]100% SURE that You Are Not Pregnant?[/b] :^0

          Even with Shelly’s figures of you being 12 Years Old it’s still possible and you did [b]Double Post[/b] that’s one of the first signs with females. :p

          Col

        • #2516018

          The fact

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          That its been almost 6 months since we last saw each other I think I would know or at least have the smallest of inclinations by now if I was pregnant. So no i’m definitely not. As for divorce, I thought that was more expensive! Obviously I asked about it with the wrong lawyer!! He did say after spending an hour with my husband that I would be more likely to get away scot free on a murder charge 🙂 anyway we women can just claim the pre mourning things you were talking about last week!! lol

        • #2515946

          Maybe you can just get him to cross Mae?

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          That way, she could take him out with one of her new shovels! 🙂 Besides, with you out of the country, you would clearly not be responsible! ]:)

          (Edited because I still can’t do that devilish face well)

        • #2514985

          OH I see you where implying that your Hubby couldn’t have got you pregnant

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          I was thinking that you where claiming that you could not be pregnant. [b]Silly Me.[/b] :^0

          I was doing some work down at the Surgeons Office who constantly Blackmails me to do work for him by insisting that he doesn’t like the look of something on my exposed skin and then after the first incision is made he hits me to fix his computers. Kind of hard to say [b]NO[/b] in that position with a [b]Masked Man[/b] standing over you with a really sharp object and you just can see the grin through the mask. B-)

          Anyway about 3 weeks ago some guy came in there wanting to kill him as the Vasectomy that had been performed on him hadn’t worked and now 12 months latter his wife was again [b]Up The Duff.[/b] He was very irate so the Surgeon in question handed him a specimen bottle and asked for a sample. 😀

          Apparently he never got the results because before the Pathology could be returned his wife broke down and admitted to the truth. Apparently this is something quite common that this guy runs into all the time. :^0

          More to the point I keep telling people that when they talk about having this procedure done all it means is that they will be unable to make the woman pregnant not that she can not get pregnant. :p

          You should do as I did I got in the Local Vet and had [b]SWMBO[/b] Spayed on the Kitchen Table[/b] and them after the sleeping Bitch had been removed was sat down and sank a few beers. 😡

          Col ]:)

        • #2514827

          Wel Col

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          depending on what is called this part of the thread … we’re both right or wrong or … cross versa
          But try http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=213100&messageID=2185536

          Making observations in general about females, it’s a wonder that the ladies didn’t “kill” you for that one.
          On the otherhand it gives them opportunity to let bygones be bygones ergo it’s not concerning me it’s them he’s chatting about 🙂

          Meanwhile you hit the item right on the spot. May be that’s what females realy like :8} :0 😉

          Rob

        • #2517092

          Actually Rob when I used to work Medical :0

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Looks like you can

          I spend quite a lot of time in a Maternity hospital and it was at the very least a [b]Education[/b] on how women behave when they think that they are alone and no males to overhear their conversations. 😀

          Me being dressed in Hospital Clothes I was just pushed off as another member of staff who was there to be ignored unless they wanted to attempt to goad you into something. Lets say that I had a [b]Fast Steep Learning Curve[/b] with that job. :^0

          Col ]:)

    • #2536666

      Cheater

      by dryflies ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      you complain about something and then do it yourself? shame shame 🙂 maybe I’ll start it next wednesday. nah.

      An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

      One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

      As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

      One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

      The old man frowned and replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

      Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

    • #2536665

      double post

      by dryflies ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

      One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

      As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

      One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

      The old man frowned and replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

      Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

    • #2536596

      The Pickle Slicer

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      A guy got a new job in the Pickle Factory, and work right beside the pickle slicer. But he immediately started going to psychiatrist.
      “Doc,” he said, “I’m really worried. I can’t concentrate on my work! I looked at the pickle slicer and realized that I could put my **** into the pickle slicer.I just sit there and stare at the Pickle Slice.”
      The doctor was horrified, “Control yourself, man! Don’t do it! Resist the urge! And the company ought to doing something to not allow such a thing to happen”

      Next week the guy was back. “Doc, it is really getting bad. I don’t know how long I can hold out!”
      The doc repeated what he said before.

      The next week, the man came in and said “Doc, I couldn’t take it anymore. Yesterday, I just walked right up to the pickle slicer, dropped my pants & started to stick it into the slicer. My foreman came by, caught me and fired me on the spot”

      The shrink asked “and what about the pickle slicer?”

      “Oh, they fired her, too!”

    • #2536516

      Taxes

      by onbliss ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk

      Received this in an email.

      *********
      Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

      If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

      The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
      The fifth would pay $1.
      The sixth would pay $3.
      The seventh would pay $7.
      The eighth would pay $12.
      The ninth would pay $18.
      The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

      So, that’s what they decided to do.

      The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until on day, the owner threw them a curve.

      “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.”Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

      The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men – the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’

      They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

      So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

      And so:

      The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
      The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings) .
      The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings) .
      The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
      The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
      The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

      Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

      “I only got a dollar out of the $20,”declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,” but he got $10!”
      “Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got TEN times more than I!”
      “That’s true!!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!”
      “Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”
      The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

      The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

      And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

      David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.

      Professor of Economics

      University of Georgia

      For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible
      ***************

      • #2536508

        Say What???? I dont understand

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to Taxes

        is it really impossible to explain to me?

      • #2536488

        It may be comical but it’s a great explanation of taxation and the system.

        by sleepin’dawg ·

        In reply to Taxes

        I didn’t check the math but it seemed okay. :^0

        [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

      • #2536461

        OK I don’t understand either!!!

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Taxes

        How could someone with a PhD in Economics come up with something that actually makes sense?

        Col

        • #2536455

          He did not write it :-)

          by onbliss ·

          In reply to OK I don’t understand either!!!

          He has denied writing it: http://davidk.myweb.uga.edu/

          Also snopes has this on the article:
          http://www.snopes.com/business/taxes/howtaxes.asp

        • #2536373

          Well I suppose that makes much more sense

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to He did not write it :-)

          From someone that got their BS in 1959 and then goes on to claim that he thinks that it was one of his students who wrote the thing and attributed it to him. Doesn’t fit either as I’ve never run across any Economics Professor who knew which side was up. 😀

          Actually for that matter most Professors who are sitting in the Chair of their Local Intuitions don’t know that either. Personally I wouldn’t take to time to Urinate on them if they where on Fire for there would be no saving of [b]Grey Matter![/b] And there is the possibility of a marked improvement to the Gene Pool as a direct result of removing these types. 🙂

          I still remember the Mech Engineering Professor explanation when I got my first PhD trying to explain why my design would never work and how uneconomical it would be to put into production but by the same token he as the same person who had years previously told me that drawing something that could not be assembled wasn’t an [b]Engineering Problem but a Fitting Problem.[/b] Not only did I get the PhD but I also proved his figures wrong and pointed out that the basic design was already in use I had just markedly improved the design to do something that had never been done previously and combined several different technologies already in existence to achieve this end. I rest my case. :^0

          Col

        • #2537156

          I think if they got their BS in 1959

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Well I suppose that makes much more sense

          Any damage they could do to the gene pool is already done 🙂

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