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Friday Yuk

By daveo2000 ·
Tags: Off Topic
Ok, well it is Friday somewhere...

Almost naughty:

What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet? Chewing Gum.

What is round, hard, sticks out of a man's pajamas and you can hang a hat on it? His head. (well that could go more than one way, I guess)


Really bad:


Two snails were standing on the side of the road, a turtle stopped and said, "Do you guys want a ride on my back"?

One of the snails took him up on his offer and off he went.

As the turtle reached the intersection another turtle came along and crashed into him. The poor little snail was thrown off and killed.

A cop investigating the accident began questioning the dead snail's buddy. "What happened?" he asked.

The little snail replied, "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."


Somebody help me! I can't tell a dirty joke! I'm just too Pure!

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TIMBUKTU

by Ltop In reply to Friday Yuk

Hi, First time contributor...

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists.

A university graduate and an old Aborigine. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was TIMBUKTU.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said.

Slowly across the desert sand,

Trekked a lonely caravan,

Men on camels two by two.

destination -Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy ! No way could the old aborigine top that they thought. The old aborigine calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went,

Met three whores in a pop up tent.

They was three, and we was two

So I bucked one and ......Timbuktu

The old aborigine won.

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Politicians

by Ltop In reply to Friday Yuk

A Queensland cow cocky was grazing his herd on the long acre of a remote pasture in outback Queensland when suddenly a brand-new and shining 4WD emerges from a dust cloud.

The driver, a bloke in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Bole sunglasses and Yves St Laurent silk tie, slides down the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The farmer looks from the man to the peacefully grazing herd and murmurs, "Why not?"

The well-dressed bloke whips out his notebook, connects it to his mobile phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get a fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

Then he opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. Now he accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised LaserJet printer, turns to the drover and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right." says the farmer. "Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"

And he watches the man select an animal and stuff it into the boot of his car.

"Hey," muses the grazier, "If I can tell you exactly what you do for a living, will you give me back the animal?"

The man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Parliamentarian from Canberra" says the drover.

"Wow! That's correct! But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody invited you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me
how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cattle. Now, give me back my bloody dog.

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Retrenchment

by Ltop In reply to Friday Yuk

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees -- always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sits in his office and watches them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.
Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." Then Sarah says, "Do you mind jacking off? I have a terrible headache right now."

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Friday somewhere

by Ltop In reply to Friday Yuk

As I post this it is approx 0045hrs on Fri 9th in NY and 1544hrs on Fri 9th in my home town in Aust

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THIS Is How You Do It Dave!!

by Steffi28 In reply to Friday Yuk

Try following my lead

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"
The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

--------------------------------------------

What are the four worst things about being an egg?
1. You only get hard once
2. You only get laid once
3. You only get eaten once
4. And the only one who sits on your face is your mother

---------------------------------------------

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - "Take a clean dish and...."

--------------------------------------------

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this <---> is 9 inches.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

Why do men have a hole in their *****?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

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Or like this

by Dontknowwhatimdoing In reply to THIS Is How You Do It Dav ...

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about p**sy, and their b1tch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a p**sy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a p**sy." the son then asks "What's a b1tch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a b1tch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a p**sy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the ****** and says "Son, this is a p**sy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a b1tch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

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So is this closer?

by daveo2000 In reply to Or like this

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench one warm afternoon.

A man in a trenchcoat walks up and stands in front of the first old lady. With a gleam in his eyes, he faces the lady and opens the front of his coat. The lady has a stroke.

He then moves to the second lady and, once again, faces the lady and opens his coat. The second lady has a stroke.

He then moves to the third lady and, as before, faces the lady and opens his coat. She gets frustrated because she can't reach.

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Getting Closer

by Dontknowwhatimdoing In reply to So is this closer?
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Your Learning

by Steffi28 In reply to So is this closer?

Getting much better, now dont let anyone try to convert you back. Your one of us be proud

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Quantas Airlines

by Steffi28 In reply to Friday Yuk

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

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