After Hours·5,450 discussions

Friday Yuk

Locked

Ok, well it is Friday somewhere…

Almost naughty:

What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet? Chewing Gum.

What is round, hard, sticks out of a man’s pajamas and you can hang a hat on it? His head. (well that could go more than one way, I guess)

Really bad:

Two snails were standing on the side of the road, a turtle stopped and said, “Do you guys want a ride on my back”?

One of the snails took him up on his offer and off he went.

As the turtle reached the intersection another turtle came along and crashed into him. The poor little snail was thrown off and killed.

A cop investigating the accident began questioning the dead snail’s buddy. “What happened?” he asked.

The little snail replied, “I don’t know . . . it all happened so fast.”

Somebody help me! I can’t tell a dirty joke! I’m just too Pure!

Topic

TIMBUKTU

In reply to Friday Yuk

Hi, First time contributor…

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists.

A university graduate and an old Aborigine. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was TIMBUKTU.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said.

Slowly across the desert sand,

Trekked a lonely caravan,

Men on camels two by two.

destination -Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy ! No way could the old aborigine top that they thought. The old aborigine calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went,

Met three whores in a pop up tent.

They was three, and we was two

So I bucked one and ……Timbuktu

The old aborigine won.

Politicians

In reply to Friday Yuk

A Queensland cow cocky was grazing his herd on the long acre of a remote pasture in outback Queensland when suddenly a brand-new and shining 4WD emerges from a dust cloud.

The driver, a bloke in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Bole sunglasses and Yves St Laurent silk tie, slides down the window and asks the farmer, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

The farmer looks from the man to the peacefully grazing herd and murmurs, “Why not?”

The well-dressed bloke whips out his notebook, connects it to his mobile phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get a fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

Then he opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. Now he accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised LaserJet printer, turns to the drover and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right.” says the farmer. “Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,”

And he watches the man select an animal and stuff it into the boot of his car.

“Hey,” muses the grazier, “If I can tell you exactly what you do for a living, will you give me back the animal?”

The man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Parliamentarian from Canberra” says the drover.

“Wow! That’s correct! But how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the farmer. “You showed up here even though nobody invited you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me
how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cattle. Now, give me back my bloody dog.

Retrenchment

In reply to Friday Yuk

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees — always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sits in his office and watches them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.
Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, “Sarah, I’m going to have to lay you or Jack off.” Then Sarah says, “Do you mind jacking off? I have a terrible headache right now.”

Friday somewhere

In reply to Friday Yuk

As I post this it is approx 0045hrs on Fri 9th in NY and 1544hrs on Fri 9th in my home town in Aust

THIS Is How You Do It Dave!!

In reply to Friday Yuk

Try following my lead :p

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady: “Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information, but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
The Farmer: “And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
The reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
The Farmer: “I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”

——————————————–

What are the four worst things about being an egg?
1. You only get hard once
2. You only get laid once
3. You only get eaten once
4. And the only one who sits on your face is your mother

———————————————

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.
“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – “Take a clean dish and….”

——————————————–

Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this <---> is 9 inches.

What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

Or like this

In reply to THIS Is How You Do It Dave!!

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about p**sy, and their b1tch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. “Mom”, the boy asks, “What’s a p**sy?”
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says “Son, that is a p**sy.” the son then asks “What’s a b1tch?” The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says “Son, this is a b1tch.”
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says “Dad, what’s a p**sy?” The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says “Son, this is a p**sy!”
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks “Then, what is a b1tch?”
The dad replies, “That’s everything outside the circle!”

So is this closer?

In reply to Or like this

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench one warm afternoon.

A man in a trenchcoat walks up and stands in front of the first old lady. With a gleam in his eyes, he faces the lady and opens the front of his coat. The lady has a stroke.

He then moves to the second lady and, once again, faces the lady and opens his coat. The second lady has a stroke.

He then moves to the third lady and, as before, faces the lady and opens his coat. She gets frustrated because she can’t reach.

Getting Closer

In reply to So is this closer?

😀

Your Learning

In reply to So is this closer?

Getting much better, now dont let anyone try to convert you back. Your one of us be proud 😀

Quantas Airlines

In reply to Friday Yuk

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas’ pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last……

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

Actually, this comes from the Air Force

In reply to Quantas Airlines

“P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.”

There are no targeting radars on commercial airplanes

There is also the fact that repair logs on commercial airlines are routinely inspected by the FAA and if this kind of comment was found, it would be enough to revoke the flying license. Only the Air Force, which is self-regulated, could have such comments.

😉

Every party has its pooper that’s why we invited you. X-(

In reply to Actually, this comes from the Air Force

Party pooper. Get a life!

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Poor baby…

In reply to Every party has its pooper that’s why we invited you. X-(

I was just being informative

It wasn’t meant to be negative. And i have a life thank you.

😛 prrrrrut!!!

And from the USAF

In reply to Actually, this comes from the Air Force

P: Crew bunk lumpy.
S: Removed magazines from under mattress. Ops check OK.

This is how you do it, Dave-O! ;)

In reply to Friday Yuk

A couple had been married 15 years.
One afternoon they were working in the garden together.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, “Hey honey, you’re getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it’s as big as the gas grill now.”

The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill and then measured his wife’s butt.
“Yep”, he said, “Just as I thought; just about the same size.”

The wife got very angry and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn’t speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, “How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?”
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
“What’s the matter?” he asked.

She replied, “You don’t think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?

—————

A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.

The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, “Come this way.”

The woman replied, “If I could come that way, I wouldn’t need a vibrator!”

————

It’s spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave.

His knees are wobbling, he’s a wreck. He’s skin and
bones, with big circles under his eyes.

His mother says, “Junior! Did you hibernate all winter
like you were supposed to?”

“Hibernate? Shit Ma, I thought you said masturbate!”

————

See, Dave, it comes easier with practice (DE intended) so keep at it (DE intended) and you’ll soon be an expert in impure manipulation (DE well intended!)

:p 😀

GG

]:)

Actually my dear, it is like THIS

In reply to This is how you do it, Dave-O! ;)

If you upset your wife, she will beotch and nag the rest of the night.

If you REALLY piss her off, she will give you the silent treatment.

Now don’t you think it is worth that little extra effort? B-)

Or like THIS

In reply to Actually my dear, it is like THIS

After 10 years of marriage, the best thing about a BJ is the 10 minutes of silence…. :0

Sorry GG & JD

In reply to Or like THIS

I posted in reply to Steffi. Not being familiar with the territory, I don’t know if the new post is acceptable… Purity and all that considered…

Three Dogs

In reply to Friday Yuk

A Bulldog, a Chihuahua and a Great Dane were at the vet talking to each other when the Bulldog says,”I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that’s why I’m here”.

The Chihuahua said, “I pooped on my masters $1,000 rug”.

The Great Dane then says,”My mistress likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!”.

“And that’s why you’re here?” asked the other dogs.

“No,” replies the Great Dane, “I’m getting my nails clipped.”

IMPURITY ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!

In reply to Three Dogs

DM escaped again from his treatment to make him all [b]Sweat and In-sin-on-it[/b] again.

I can see that a new form of [b]Aversion Therapy[/b] is now called for here where every time that you have [b]Naughty Thoughts[/b] you get hit over the head with a [b][i]Sledge Hammer.[/i][/b] :p

I would put up GG as the main person to administer this treatment but she whould enjoy it way to much and get sore arms, besides her Naked Nymph couldn’t swing the Sledge Hammer with enough force. 🙂

Steffi would also fall into this category and be constantly complaining of being over worked and feeling as if her arms are about to drop off, Shelly would also enjoy this way too much for her own good and eventually build up muscles that would require new clothing to prevent the arms of the cloths from tearing to bits. 😀

So I’m going to have to pass this onto Mae with her Shovel. 🙁

Morel of this story Wo-Men are never happy unless that have something to [b]Bitch About![/b] :^0

Col ]:)

Sorry. Is this any better?

In reply to IMPURITY ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!

How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?

When her tampon is behind her ear and she can’t find her pencil!

NO IT’S NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

In reply to Sorry. Is this any better?

BAD BAD BAD BAD DMambo you are back in the deepest parts of the gutter well below the sewer now aren’t you? You have totally given into the [b]Dark Side[/b] and become it’s evil servant with no hope or remorse for your evil postings. X-(

The once bright shining light of Purity has been totally extinguished never to be re lit. 🙁

[b]What a Wonder World It Is Isn’t It?[/b] 😀

Now just watch out for Mae and her new sharpened shovel as she’s coming to get you now, :^0

Col

Nope..

In reply to NO IT’S NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

Mae is having a very bad month. Mae went to the doctor and he gave her some lovely little pills that put her in a MUCH better mood. Until these pills run out, she won’t be doing much with her shovel. And perhaps she’ll stop referring to herself in third person..

Mae I understand that there is a

In reply to Nope..

New Shovel waiting for you when those tiny little pills run out as well. 😀

Col ]:)

don’t do that!!!!!

In reply to Mae I understand that there is a

I was gonna suprise her with one that also gives the recipient of a smack an electric shock and you had to go ruin it. :((

Strange that you should mention that one Jacqui

In reply to Mae I understand that there is a

I recently did a report for a Doctors Surgery on how to speed up the system that they are using at a minimum of hardware outlays. The main thrust was to switch to a Gigabit Switch and as the Doctors where appearing to be working too slowly I recommended the patients be given [b]Electric Cattle Prods[/b] so that they could ZAP the Quacks with them when they where not working fast enough.

I even recommended a supplier and a possible number of these units to encourage the Doctors to work harder. These little units work off a 9 Volt Battery so I also recommended using rechargeable batteries and a recharger that could handle 9 batteries at a time.

They didn’t like the idea of the Cattle Prods but took up the idea of a faster switch and I haven’t heard any complaints recently. :^0

Col ]:)

Ohhh..

In reply to Nope..

you guys really cheer me up!!!

Can’t wait for the new shovels. I’ll have to bury the wimpy Mae with them..

Wimpy??? You??? :0

In reply to Ohhh..

No way, no how!!! :^0

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Dawg

In reply to Ohhh..

It’s been a bit bumpy, but I’m starting to even out. I may even be scary again soon. 🙂

What You Mean?

In reply to IMPURITY ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I NEVER complain about anything!!! I dont know what your talking about :p .

I’M SORRY

In reply to What You Mean?

In your case Steffi that should have read [b]BITCHING & Nagging![/b]

Feel better Now?

Col 😀

I could be mistaken Col, but……

In reply to I’M SORRY

is Steffi complaining about not complaining? :0

ouch

In reply to I could be mistaken Col, but……

you are so going to get you @ss kicked for that one when Steff sees it!!

Nah

In reply to ouch

They overstepped the mark so now there getting the silent treatment!

Remind me that I’m never to speak to Col or JD EVER again!!!

Yea that’s right Shelly Steffi wants to make out

In reply to ouch

That she can shut up for any length of time and not hand out a blast whenever she feels like it [b]As If That Is Possible.[/b] :^0 😀 :^0 😀

Col ]:)

How disappointing Col

In reply to ouch

disappointing because when you started talking to Shell about Steffi wanting to “make out” I thought you were going to be leading us to some girl on girl action here! Oh my! :0 ohhhh, they could even have a little pillow fight, and then have a water fight (COLD water of course) and some more pillows and ….and…. (be back in ten minutes…….)

that’ll teach you

In reply to ouch

to count your chickens before they hatch..

its nice to see that you have an active imagination JD. 🙂

(i’ve a 100 things i could say, but i’m going to be nice..for a bit anyways)

I Would Comment

In reply to ouch

But I’m still not talking to either of you! :p

And the Purity with at least two

In reply to ouch

Is shining through.

Poor Shelly and Steffi both working at being impure when they are really [b]Totally PURE.[/b] :p

Col

Im still…

In reply to ouch

…Not gonna comment 🙁

I’m still upset!!

your playing a dangerous game Col

In reply to ouch

but i’m onto you..

you want us to prove how impure we are don’t you?

]:)

Um, Shell… In what way are you

In reply to ouch

“Onto Col”? That presents a rather odd mental picture… even to one so Pure as me. 😉

While not quite as hot

In reply to ouch

Shell getting “onto” Col is still a step in the right direction.

If you need someone to run the video camera, I’m there for you Shell! 😡

And Steffi, keep telling us that your not going to tell us……. :p

Look What You Have Done JD & Col

In reply to ouch

If I hadn’t been focusing so much on not talking to you I’d of noticed Shell’s DE and been able to comment on it first, now because of you two I missed my oppurtunity and “MR self-proclaimed purity” Daveo beat me to it.

Now im even more upset 🙁

grrr

In reply to ouch

hurry up and talk to them, cause i’m going to be in way over my head soon…

bunch a perverts 🙂

Oh my! I feel so, well, dirty!

In reply to ouch

I was just cleaning out my PC and there was a lot of dust in it.

As for the DE catch, I thought I was just helping folks keep their reputations properly tarnished. 😉

Shell is posting in code!

In reply to ouch

First, she hides the “ouch” in plain sight.

Then she in “on to” Col.

Now she is going to be in over her head soon. (soon as the camera is rolling, maybe?) ]:)

It took a while for her to get the message out, but I think we are starting to get one heck of a visual going here! (woo woo!)

And Steffi, just remember to keep telling us how much your not talking to us….. :0

Dont Worry JD

In reply to ouch

I’m very good at informing people that im not talking to them!!!

And as for you dave!! Well Im just disgusted in you! I cant believe you didnt just PM me and let me know that I had an oppurtunity to point out a DE!

Maybe I’ll stop talking to you to! Im having a very bad day today so please stop making it worse be giving me a good reputation, I want a bad one, I like my bad one 🙁

Mea Culpa! Mea Culpa!

In reply to ouch

I submit to you, oh great Steffi! I see the error in my ways. I bow before your power and accept my punishment. Be gentle… my thoughts are Pure. 🙂

Steffi go march somewhere

In reply to ouch

And you’ll forget all about it. :p

When I was working in Germany I couldn’t believe the way that the population didn’t walk anywhere but marched it was interesting to watch at least but a bit scary to live with. But join in and you’ll forget about all your problems. :^0

Col ]:)

Oh Dave!

In reply to ouch

I quite like the idea of this, there is so much I could possibly do 😀

I’m going to have sooo much fun with you

Yes JD she is just unable to handle the Purity. :D

In reply to I could be mistaken Col, but……

What more can be said? So I put it in such a manner that she would understand it and be happy. :p

Col ]:)

hmm..

In reply to IMPURITY ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m happy to let Mae take care of things with her shovel..

Although your right, it would be immensly enjoyable ]:)

That’s why I couldn’t let any of the Terrible Trio

In reply to hmm..

Administer the [b]Aversion Therapy[/b] you lot would enjoy it way too much so it wouldn’t be effective as a treatment. 😀

[b]Poor Little DM[/b] would be constantly getting hit over the head with that [b]Sledge Hammer[/b] and wouldn’t understand that when he does something wrong there is punishment you three would just be doing it for the sake of doing it and there would be no [b]Medical Beneficial Effect[/b] to arise unless you managed to kill off the poor boy. 😀

Mae with her new shovel will kill him off straight away without any torture involved. :^0

She’ll even be able to plead in Court that it was a [b]Mercy Killing[/b] to protect the Woo Men of the world from DM and there isn’t a single Court that could convict under those circumstances. or should that be spelt circumcisions? ;\

I never totally understood all those [b]Medical Terms.[/b] 😀

Col ]:)

Is that related to “circumference”?

In reply to That’s why I couldn’t let any of the Terrible Trio

I don’t know what any of this means since I am told that I am too Pure to understand. Can anybody explain this to me? Please be gentle.

Circumstance : standing in the way of
Circumference : inference of the size
Circumvent : Where it comes out
Circumnavigate: find your way around it
Circumspection: Inspecting it
Circumscribe : Somebody who writes about it
Circumlocution: Applying electrodes (see Abu Gharib)
Circumpolar : Using a broomstick
Circumflex : How far does it go

oh, the temptation……

In reply to Is that related to “circumference”?

it’s too much.

it’s just too much.

I gotta tell him.

I gotta say it.

I gotta do this.

Ok, I’m gonna….. I’m gonna….. 😉

Dave-O, here it is, just for you. 😀

Circumcision + circumference = cutting the end off a thick dick….

Apols, all, I really couldn’t resist. :p I shall utter my Niceness Vow for the next hour.

“I must not extricate the Michael from the Pure”

“I must not extricate the Michael from the Pure”

“I must not extricate the Michael from the Pure”

GG ]:)

“I must not extricate the Michael from the Pure”

“I must not extricate the Michael from the Pure”

LIFE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

In reply to Friday Yuk

LIFE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA San Diego, California… A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. “What are you going to do with the money?” asked the policeman. “Well, I guess I’m going to get a driver’s license,” he answered. “Oh, don’t listen to him,” yelled a woman in the passenger seat. “He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.” This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned,” I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.” At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, “Are we over the border yet?”

Republican Fisherman

In reply to Friday Yuk

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him; an hour ago,but I don’t know where I am.” The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.” She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.” “I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.” The man smiled and; responded, “You must be a Democrat.” “I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?” “Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”

Blind Man

In reply to Friday Yuk

On a hot summer day, two nuns – both young, blonde and beautiful ? are working in the church library putting away books. After working feverishly to get the job done, the first nun turns to the second and says, “I can’t take this heat anymore! Do you think it would be all right if we removed our shirts to cool off while we worked?”

The second nun, feeling the heat herself, decides that it would be acceptable since no one else was present. She locked the door and closed the curtains, and then the two nuns removed their shirts and kept working. Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” asks the first nun.

“It’s the blind man,” says the voice behind the door.

“Well, a blind man can’t see our nakedness. We can let him in,” the other nun says, and opens the door.

“Wow!” says the blind man, “Nice tits! I gotta run back to the truck. Where do you want me to install these blinds?”

Party

In reply to Friday Yuk

I was at a party last Saturday night and this beautiful woman came up to me and started a conversation with the statement “My name’s Carmen”. Oh, I said “That’s a beautiful name. Is it part of your heritage, perhaps you were named for your mother or grandmother. “No” she said. I gave it to myself. It reflects the two things I love the most, CARS and MEN.

Then she asked “What’s your name?”

I quickly replied “BEERTITS”

Software Salesman Confesses

In reply to Friday Yuk

http://www.bigfix.com/softwaretruth/

Got to watch the video….. Made me laugh….

happy friday to all

jd

I never metaphor I didn’t like.

In reply to Friday Yuk

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

– John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

– He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

– Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.

– Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

– The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

– The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

– He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.

– The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

– It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

– He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

– Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

– She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

– Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

– It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Does Viagra Suppress The Appetite?

In reply to Friday Yuk

A woman asks her husband, “Would you like some bacon and eggs? A
slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?” she asks.

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s
this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. “A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”

He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for
food.”

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you
like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”

He declines again. Naw, still not hungry.”

Well,” she says, “would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.”

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Are You a Gentleman?

In reply to Friday Yuk

Take this simple test!
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both
shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don’t miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds weight in the last month. You
tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem — she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end
of a relationship?
a) “I hope we can still be friends.”
b) “I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone….”
c) “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.”
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of
intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
—–
If you answered ‘A’ more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really
are a man.
If you answered ‘B’ more than 7 times, check into therapy, you’re still a little
confused.
If you answered ‘C’ more than 7 times, call me up. Let’s go drinking.
—

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:) 😉 B-)

HEY, I resemble that remark!

In reply to Are You a Gentleman?

But I want Steffi, GG, and the others to check my pants! ]:)

no thanks

In reply to HEY, I resemble that remark!

“I like girls”….. :0

please limit your “others” invitation. :p

You know

In reply to no thanks

I’d bet if we counted the number of times you’ve posted “I like girls” we’d be able to definitively prove that you have latent issues..you know, protesting too much and all..

who loves you, baby? 🙂

You do

In reply to You know

and you know it! 😡

Okay..sure.

In reply to You do

Just don’t tell anyone..

secret is safe

In reply to Okay..sure.

That isn’t the kind of thing I can admit to in public, ya know! :p

I take it back

In reply to Okay..sure.

I think you suck and I hope you die horribly..

SHE’S BACK!

In reply to Okay..sure.

Welcome back Mae! 😡 ;\

OK Mae it’s time to set your sights on DMambo

In reply to Okay..sure.

And teach him a lesson that he’s unlikely to ever forget. 😀

[b]Go get him now![/b] :^0

OH I forgot look in the boot of your car and you’ll find a new Chrome Vanadium Shovel already sharpened so you should be able to cut through 6 inch thick concrete without any trouble. It’s a present from JD. 😡

Col ]:)

Left myself open on that!

In reply to no thanks

I meant just the ladies!!!! 😀

Sure You Did :p

In reply to Left myself open on that!

Cue Dunno using JD’s favourite phrase :p

Anger Mangement

In reply to Friday Yuk

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don’t know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.” I
politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?”
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f***ing
number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that
anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to
call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, yelled “You’re an a*****e!” and hung
up.
I wrote his number down with the word ‘a*****e’ next to it, and put it in
my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an a*****e!” It always
cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘a*****e’ calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John
Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar
with our Caller ID Program?” He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I
quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an a*****e!” and
hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for
that spot, but the idiot ignored me I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his
back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first a*****e (I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW a*****e too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
He said, “Yes, it is.”
I asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?”
He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It’s a yellow
rambler, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
I asked, “What’s your name?”
He said, “My name is Don Hansen,”
I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
He said, “I’m home every evening after five.”
I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
He said, “Yes?”
I said, “Don, you’re an a*****e!”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when had
a problem, I had two a*****es to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called a*****e #1. He said, “Hello.”
I said, “You’re an a*****e!” (But I didn’t hang up.)
He asked, “Are you still there?”
I said, “Yeah.”
He screamed, “Stop calling me,”
I said, “Make me,”
He asked, “Who are you?”
I said, “My name is Don Hansen.”
He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?”
I said, “A*****e, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler,
I have a black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, a*****e,” and hung up.
Then I called a*****e #2.
He said, “Hello?”
I said, “Hello, a*****e,”
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
I said, “You’ll what?”
He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass,”
I answered: “Well, a*****e, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right
now.”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill
my lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I
got there just in time to watch two a*****es beating the c**p out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded
by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better…Anger management really does work.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:) :^0

Ah, Computers!

In reply to Friday Yuk

Ah, Computers!

We’ve all seen the Bill Gates line*, “640K [of RAM] ought to be enough for
anybody”, so how about some wisdom from others who were a tad more accurate?
*though he denies saying it: see Wired on the subject.
—–
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
–Joseph Campbell

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human
history–with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. –Mitch Ratliffe

A human being is a computer’s way of making another computer. Yes, we are their
sex organs. –Solomon Short

All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts
you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can’t get them
together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer. –IBM
maintenance manual, 1925

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. –Pablo Picasso

Computers will never take the place of books. You can’t stand on a floppy disk
to reach a high shelf. –Sam Ewing

Don’t explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins. –Robert
Heinlein (in “The Moon is a Harsh Mistress”)

Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. –Jeff Pesis

It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were
part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods.
–Geraldine Ferraro

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft …and the only one that
can be mass produced with unskilled labor. –Wernher von Braun

No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it’s doing; but
most of the time, we aren’t either. –Marvin Minsky

One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a
cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. –Jack Handey

There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer. –J.H. Goldfuss

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
–Janet Reno

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by
accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause
accidents. –Nathaniel Borenstein

To err is human — and to blame it on a computer is even more so. –Robert Orben

Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea — massive,
difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of
mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. –Gene Spafford

Wow! They’ve got the Internet on computers now! –Homer Simpson

A Woman’s Random Thoughts

In reply to Friday Yuk

A Woman’s Random Thoughts

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You know,
sometimes I just forget to eat.” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s
maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14
kids, but she doesn’t really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you
like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body
said, “Listen witch… do it and die.”

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then
they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too
much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of
a perfect day.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body
and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health — my thighs kept rubbing together and setting
my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent
is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

A Surefire, Fail-safe, Stress Management Technique. ;)

In reply to Friday Yuk

Stress Management Technique

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny
thing is that it works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding
underwater.
[b][i]8. See. You’re smiling already.[/i]

Dawg[/b] ]:)

A Real Watch Dog

In reply to Friday Yuk

A Real Watch Dog

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, “Sir, what are you doing!?!”

The man turned toward the teller and said, “Oh, nothing – just looking around.”

Talking Italian

In reply to A Real Watch Dog

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

”Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.”

”You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. ”In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public.”

”Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. ”Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”

clean joke alert!!!

In reply to Friday Yuk

http://forums.handloads.com/uploads/bentbarrel/C1EE1_microsoft_word_write_letterz_n_.jpg

Q: What’s the strongest thing in the world?

A: A bra, it holds up two milk factories.

Types of Orgasms

In reply to Friday Yuk

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the former vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S’moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honorgasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn’t very satisfying = there’s the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn’t make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein’s assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

Lou Grant

In reply to Types of Orgasms

had Mary Tyler Mooregasms..

I’m selfish, so I have “I’ve had mine, you get yourgasms”.

Now I totally understand why the IMF Team

In reply to Types of Orgasms

Allowed themselves to be killed and their leader Mr Phelps killed himself as well.

It really looked messy as the entire team laid down on the parking lot floor and Mr Phelps got in a Constant 4 Wheel Drive spun up all 4 wheels and them proceeded to drive over his team effectively cutting them in half with a wide spread area of human body bits nicely ground up by the spinning wheels. He then set the engine to a fast idle and clung onto the Bull Bar while the Range Rover ran into Supports for the Car Park. Because of the inferior workmanship involved 6 on these 8 foot diameter supports collapsed before the upper floors collapsed killing Mr Phelps.

You are truly evil and now I totally understand why the [b]IMF Team[/b] refused to take on that Mission to purify the poor misguided Girls of TR that you have perverted. [b]SHAME ON YOU DM![/b] Without the IMF team what will Tom Cruse do for further employment? :^0

Col ]:)

Probably the same thing Tom Cru[u]i[/u]se would do.

In reply to Now I totally understand why the IMF Team

:^0

some more

In reply to Friday Yuk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying At the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “OK, get in the car with it.”

“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it between your legs. It’s nice and warm.”

But what about the smell?”

“Just hold its little nose.”

The man is expected to recover, but the frozen Skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
——————————————————————————

A little girl walks into her parents’ bathroom and notices for the First time, her father’s nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn’t have. She asks, “What are those round things hanging there, daddy?”

Proudly, he replies, “Those, sweetheart, are God’s Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn’t be here.”

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, “Did he say anything about the dead branch they’re hanging from?”

—————————————————————–

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

“Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don’t you try ‘playing doctor’ for an hour? That’s what I do,” said Irving.

“Sounds great,” Morris replied, “but how do you make it last for an hour?”

“Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!”

——————————————————————

For all those guys who are King, until their wife gets home.
Walking into the bar, John said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah?” said Charlie. “And how did this one end?” “When it was over,” John replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit.”

—————————————————————-

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this… When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?”

—————————————————————–

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.

She exclaimed “Oh no, it’s short, pink and wrinkled!”

Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek!”

——————————————————

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, “I can cure this.” With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123,’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The man then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?”

The medicine man replies: “When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is ‘1234’, and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year.”

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says “123” and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised. His wife turns over and asks:

“What did you say ‘123’ for?”

—————————————————————–

It’s finally Friday! Here’s my contribution.

In reply to Friday Yuk

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding
vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love,
honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’
I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the
minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to
that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes
time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and
says: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every
command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life
and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not
ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.”

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, “I thought we had a
deal.”

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, “She made
me a much better offer.”

An Education On Water and Alcohol

In reply to Friday Yuk

Water and Alcohol Education

WATER – It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop

ALCOHOL = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poop, drink ALCOHOL!!!

It is better to drink booze and talk schit than to drink water and be full of schit.

There is no need to thank me for this very valuable information; I am doing it as a public service.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

a bit late..but anyways

In reply to Friday Yuk

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my , I am so sorry, ” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, ” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

“You know, ” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? ”

“No, ” she replies. . . . . “You just happened to catch my eye.”

boooooooooooo

In reply to a bit late..but anyways

😡

go on..admit it

In reply to boooooooooooo

you really really liked that one didn’t you?

🙂

I loved it!

In reply to go on..admit it

Makes me feel…

you know…

sort of Pure. 🙂

:0

In reply to I loved it!

NOOOOO anything but pure!!

no no no

In reply to I loved it!

its not pure!!

its not as filthy as the others, but there were sexual references in it..!!

Yes, Yes, Yes

In reply to no no no

It was pure!!! Shame on you. Are you not feeling well? I’ve come to expect better things than that from you. X-( :^0

You’re totally right

In reply to I loved it!

There is no way that there could be a purer joke ever. It’s only the [b]Dirty Minds[/b] of those involved that think that it is anything buy [b]PURE![/b] 😉

Col

you guys just wait till Friday

In reply to You’re totally right

I’ll show you..

I have never been accused of being pure in my life, and i don’t want it to start now! ]:)

*yeesh..post one lame joke and get branded a purist*

Shelly it’s

In reply to you guys just wait till Friday

[b]Only the truth that hurts.[/b] Even if in this case it’s only your own Egos. :^0

Col ]:)

Moi?

In reply to you guys just wait till Friday

Ego?

Who told you?

We already knew Shell

In reply to you guys just wait till Friday

your much too sweet and innocent, despite the influences of our queen and her court! 😡

God bless the Queen! 😡

Don’t delay

In reply to you guys just wait till Friday

to tomorrow [i]or any day after[/i] what you can do today. 🙂 Special not with all the fun that’s going around.
[i]sjeesh just been away for a day or eight and … they’re all on the lose [/i]
Get your acts together and go for it

oh reminds me of the carnavalesk-tivities that are coming around next week. Any one hopping in to these?

Rob

Shell, lets just say

In reply to go on..admit it

it caught my eye…… 😡

Warm fuzzies all around everyone!

OK Shelly a True Story

In reply to a bit late..but anyways

My long deceased Uncle had a Glass Eye and he took great pleasure in high Class Restraints in popping it out and placing it in the soup, then calling over a waitress and asking her what was that in his soup?

The usual response was that the offending plate was grabbed but not before my Uncle retrieved his eye and rushed away but on this night the poor waitress just fainted which made things even worse as my uncle had to pull out the eye clean it up and replace it before anyone could come around to find out why the waitress was unconscious on the floor. He even thought that he got away with it till he was asked what was wrong with his eye apparently it was in back wards and was all white. 😀

Col

ok then

In reply to OK Shelly a True Story

umm..not sure how to put this politley, but man thats gross!!

Not the glass eye..the putting in soup!!!!!

Having said that, i can see the funny in it if your the one putting it into the soup 🙂
I just wouldn’t fancy being on the recieveing end of that one 🙂

Drinking something you shouldn’t

In reply to ok then

That bit reminds me of a famous old Catskills comedian who told of being in the hospital once and the nurse brought in his breakfast including a cup of apple juice. She also left a different cup for a urine sample.

So, after she left the room, he poured the apple juice into the unine sample cup (they didn’t have extra chemicals in the cups in those days) and when the nurse came back in he (very visibly) picked up the urine sample cup, held it up to the light and said “That doesn’t look very good. Let me run it through again” and proceeded to drink it down in one gulp.

He claims that the nurse fainted.

[Author]

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