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Friday Yuk

By rob mekel ·
Tags: Off Topic
As I'm going away right after this post I'll risk the chance to be poked at :^0

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

18. Share the bathroom

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.

Have a great weekend and ... week to come.
or did i spell come wrong ]:)

Rob

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Oh yeah, forgotten

by rob mekel In reply to Friday Yuk

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

Rob

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In keeping with the theme..

by maecuff In reply to Oh yeah, forgotten

Dictionary for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

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Once upon a time....

by heml0ck In reply to In keeping with the theme ...

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly saut?ed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don't f*cking think so."

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I love

by maecuff In reply to Once upon a time....

that story. :)

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so

by heml0ck In reply to I love

does my wife!

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at a local college....

by heml0ck In reply to Once upon a time....

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

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same college different day

by heml0ck In reply to at a local college....

Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class:
"Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this."
With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied; "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

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Probably...

by Inkling In reply to same college different da ...

the best Friday Yuk I have seen to date.

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Redneck Story

by daveo2000 In reply to same college different da ...

The quote starts here so any references to "truth" are part of the quote... :)

Only a person in North Carolina could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Kinston, North Carolina after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

(Edited to fix spacing somewhat)

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not so much a joke..

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk

but amusing non the less:

The story goes that this is real, but who know..its been forwarded on a lot around ireland for a couple days: I've starred out the phone numebrs and email addreess for privacys sake though. I've also removed company names and addresses.

Email To Co-workers
Subject: Im outta here ..... ;.)

My leaving letter:
Dear Co-Workers,

As many of you probably know, tommorw is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Tommorow is my last day."

For nearly as long as I've worked here, I've hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your
unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the
words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where
miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and
inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes
a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to
attribute his mistake to me.

Over the year and a half, you have taught me more than I could ever
ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate
enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a
wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in
overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily
tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great
solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review,
"mostly satisfactory." That is the type of praise that sends a man
home happy after even a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a
bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other
within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass
on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans
eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I've actually interacted, here are my
personalized notes of farewell:

To Caulfield: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite
having clearly labeled it with my name.

To Mairead: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will
clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.

To Linda: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these
"email forwards." I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of
good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty
womb.

And finally, to Kat: you were right - I tested positive. We'll talk later.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the
individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to
cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good
woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a
lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner
kill myself.

Very truly yours,

Cian Kelliher

PS: I will be throwing myself a happy hour farewell party at the Odeon
5.30 tommorow evening if anybody is interested in drinks!
__________________________________

Cian Kelliher
Consultant
Risk & Advisory Services
Industrial, Commercial & Technology Group [ICT ]
****** (company name)

Phone: +353 1 *** ****
Switch: + 353 (0) 1 *** ****
E-mail: Cian.Kelliher@**.**

---------- Forwarded message ----------

Hi Guys

Last Thursday I sent out a going away email. It was meant to be a joke
email but I now realise that it has caused offence / upset and has been
passed on to a wider audience than the intended recipients. The text was
something I pulled off the Internet.

I apologise for any offence that I have caused. I regret that the email
could adversely impact on the reputation / good name of (company name) and my
former colleagues. I wish to emphasis that none of the comments were meant
to be taken seriously. I hold (company name) and my former colleagues in the
highest regard.

If you have passed on the original email or shown it to anyone outside of
the recipient list can you please also pass on this apology and refrain from
futher forwarding of the mail.

Regards
Cian.


(private name)
IT Risk Consultant
Technology & Security Risk Services (TSRS)
(company name), (address1)
(address2), (address3)
Dublin 2, Ireland

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