After Hours·5,419 discussions

Friday Yuk

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My first yuk, my first discussion, and hopefully, my first nomination to the impure club. Or whatever it is you wonderful people call it…

Also, I know it’s early, but I’m USA Pacific time, and I have to beat those Aussies to it just once.

My First Time….

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine

I didn’t know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart

And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came

At last it’s finished
It’s all over now
My First Time Ever…….

At Milking A Cow!

Have a great weekend!

Topic

Thank You

In reply to Friday Yuk

A wonderful tale of an innocent farming memory. I can tell that the Impure Brigade will never get their hands on you.

Nerd messages: (These are bad. Clean, but bad. I didn’t even read half of ’em.)
1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
10. <--- The information went data way --->
11. Best file compression around: ””DEL *.*”” = 100% compression.
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding.
14. The name is Baud, James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied–nah nah na nah nah!
17. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn””t DOS ever say ””EXCELLENT command or filename!””
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y””all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don”” NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. >… File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny.
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer””s attention span is as long as it””s power cord.
31. 11th commandment-Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor””s Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day…24 beers in a case…coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36. Who””s General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Go ahead, make my data!
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I””m modeming… and I can””t hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. ””640K ought to be enough for anybody.”” – Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
54. Press any key…… no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
55. Press — to continue…

You’re right…

In reply to Thank You

That was bad. The worst of the bunch:

<---The information went data way--->

That fits into the category of, so bad you have to laugh.

Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…

In reply to Thank You

is it just me or does this one seem to be missing a bot or 2?
shellbot ]:)

Canadian DOS prompt:

In reply to Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…

EH?:\>

That reminds me

In reply to Canadian DOS prompt:

of the old joke exe we used to have.
where you set the prompt to be displayed to match the person’s preferences, then walk away from their system

the app would have them frustrated in about 30 seconds because it wouldn’t let them do anything, and would throw insults at them for trying.

the only way to kill it, was a hard reset with the power switch. ]:)

I had a few

In reply to That reminds me

but my favorite was an add (.exe) for an AV co. It simulated all of your data in Win 95 getting lost. Showed an explorer view of your folders/files and you watched them disappear.

It worked great, especially when snuck into the RUN directory for startup.

I had a tech reboot his system over and over until he finally realized that the files were still there and displayed the same each time when it started.

Having a spinn :D

In reply to I had a few

And good fun but really frustrating for the end-user were the phony programs. They crushed the users screen by dropping the characters 1 by 1 to the bottom by every hit on the enter key or function key?s 🙂
If you only could see the faces and the things they shouted out, wow. Those were the day’s 😀 :^0 😉

Rob

ps they could end the fun by typing exit lol if they only would have known ]:)
ps2 it was the character based display time frame so say pre mac, the time a IBM PC costed around a 15,000 us$

[i]edited for the ps’s[/i]

I heard about that one

In reply to Having a spinn :D

but never actually saw it. Sounds like a fun one though!

or

In reply to Having a spinn :D

the BSOD screen saver…..

Only problem with that is

In reply to Having a spinn :D

when the user sees it the first thing they usually do is hit a key on the keyboard, and then it goes away.

Although with NT4, I used it for several years.

I WANT

In reply to Thank You

Networked Coffee!

New way to read an old book

In reply to Thank You

“See Dick run.”
“See Jane run after Dick”
“Jane likes Dick”

(That Jane was such a slut!)

DE?

In the store the other day, I paid for my purchase and the cashier handed the change to my wife. I said “What’s the big idea here?” and the cashier replied with a smile “We women stick together.”, to which I replied ( after a brief pause), “Ewwww”.

The perfect program

In reply to Thank You

SET BUGS OFF
DO
What I’m thinking
ENDDO

Father – daughter talk

In reply to Friday Yuk

Father-Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth.

She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican which she expressed openly. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich & the addition of more government welfare programs. Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor she felt that for years her father had obviously harbored an evil, even selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was doing in school.

She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. That she studied all the time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew.

She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend and didn’t really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more difficult curriculum.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your good friend Mary doing?”

She replied, “Mary is barely getting by.” She continued, “She barely has a 2.0 GPA,” adding, “and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies. “But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for her is a
blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn’t even show up for classes because she is too hung over.”

Her father then asked his daughter, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0.” He continued, “That way you will both have a
3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.

The daughter visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion angrily fired back, that wouldn’t be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did
without and Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked real hard!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said, “Welcome to the Republican Party”

I know what you mean

In reply to Friday Yuk

I’m mountain time. I’ll never beat them to it!

Subject: The Genie & The Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texasplains without water.His horse has already died of thirst.He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.There’s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

“Well, cowboy,” says the genie… “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” said the cowboy. “I’m not going to trust an IRS genie.”

“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says… “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything,
there’s going to be a string attached.

Good pickup lines

In reply to Friday Yuk

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs…what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
7. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
8. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.
17. I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It’s not just going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. F@# me if I’m wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)…remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAM, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don’t you like pizza?
33. Baby, I’m an American Express lover…you shouldn’t go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.

]:)

Purity Breach!!!!!!

In reply to Good pickup lines

Ack!

Help!

Here I was so openly reading and these impure thoughts jumped up and grabbed my eyes and made me read them!

Firstly….

In reply to Friday Yuk

You should put friday yuk in the tag that wa? people will find it easier and two of them wont be made.

Secondly your more than welcome to become an honourary member of the Impure Brigade 😀

And thirdly here is my contribution – Its one of those things where you have to pick verbs, adjectives etc and it creates a story using the words you picked they can be found at http://www.rinkworks.com/crazylibs

Heres mine, enjoy :p

As I was meandering greedily down the desert one fine summer’s morning, the most obnoxious, wet man cleverly touched me, stopping me in my tracks. “Look here,” I said, caressing my breast at him sarcastically, “That was terribly cold of you. I demand an apology.”

The man flirted at me accidentally and touched me again, this time with both thighs.

“Excuse me!” I said, this time more whimsically. “Desist at once, or I shall be forced to grope you. You’re a very dirty man, I must say.”

“I can’t stop,” the man said nastily. “You see, my mother was an exterminator, my father was embarrassing, and the trauma was just too much. I’m silky as a gerbil, I’m cold to say.”

At hearing his mushy story, I felt for him. But I wore the scaly airhead anyway and moved on.

Very appropriate story for me dont you think??

Oh No! Purity lost to the international date line!

In reply to Friday Yuk

And here I thought I could get a pure thought in before the evil started!

http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=209582&messageID=2159416

Sigh…

WooHoo

In reply to Oh No! Purity lost to the international date line!

The Impure will never be defeated!!!!
*manical laughter*

It was a Plot! An Evil Plot.

In reply to WooHoo

I looked at the Friday Yuk list and didn’t find any for today so I submitted a Pure One to help guide the masses.

Then this thread turns up. The forces of evil (pronounced “Eee – ville”) may have won the battle, but Purity will win the whore.

Well I don’t quite know about that

In reply to It was a Plot! An Evil Plot.

At least the Poms. Kiwis and Aussies will understand this one and I’ll rely on [b]Neils Free Translation Service[/b] for everyone else. 😀

http://tinyurl.com/2nmszj

Col ]:)

WOW and that in almost

In reply to Friday Yuk

5 years of time. Congrats !!!

It’s a nice one. Keep up the good stuff 😀 😉

——–
A guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots.
The barman asks him, whats the occasion?
The guy says, im celebrating my first *******.
The barman says, in that case, have another on the house.
The guys says; No thanks, if 10 doesn’t get rid of the taste, I don’t another will.
———-
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, “Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.” “It’s worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.”

The priest said, “By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question .”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”
————-

Have a great weekend all
Rob

ps mwiiliams@ if you add to the tags “Friday Yuk” we’ll all find the yuk more easily.

But is it really ImPure or just Faux Impure?

In reply to Friday Yuk

He led the Impure to a place where they felt that Impurity lurked withing reach and then pulled the Old Switcheroo!

The post was of a Pure nature after all!

Ha! The Forces of Purity are still strong!

Ha!

Ha Ha Ha!

(but not Bwu ha ha ha ha haaaaaa. That would be too much.)

Awww c’mon

In reply to But is it really ImPure or just Faux Impure?

Everyone needs a bit of manical laughter every now and again!!!

And he knew how the impure would think, that makes it worthy of being impure!

Welcome

In reply to Friday Yuk

I had to delete what I originally typed. It was too far even for me..

The Pure are Winning! Steffi, GG, Shell — rejoice you could be next!

In reply to Welcome

Our lesions are growing! We have another convert!

Oh the glory of it all! My body if flushed with the warmth of knowing Pureness has held back the depths of depravity yet again!

Could it be that Mae was going to say something about flesh on flesh and bodies writhing about and other prurient thingys?

But Pureness has slid in and come gloriously up, filling her breasts with warmth and, and, and… well, Pureness!

Gosh!

Now daveo2000

In reply to The Pure are Winning! Steffi, GG, Shell — rejoice you could be next!

If Mae where to be going over to the pure … this implies she is with the impure already … but hesitates out of politeness to give others a chance on getting out there so
lusty and filthy thoughts
Doesn?t mean that she has wandered of too the pure

Have a great lusty weekend 😉
Rob

But she practically admitted it… Um, yeah, that’s it!

In reply to Now daveo2000

She said something a while ago that showed that she was leaning that way:

http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=208304&messageID=2151127

I mean, um, isn’t she?

:p

If you must know..

In reply to The Pure are Winning! Steffi, GG, Shell — rejoice you could be next!

I was going to say something along the lines of mwilliams first DE (in poem form, no less) had to do with either milk or ejaculate. But then I decided I had more dignity and grace to point that out. Looks like I don’t.

No! No! You do! You do!

In reply to If you must know..

You are a paragon of decency!
You are a vision of Purity in a sea of iniquity!

It can’t be!

Dude..

In reply to No! No! You do! You do!

apparently, you haven’t been paying attention.

Don’t you know? It is sooooo much easier

In reply to Dude..

to remain Pure if you don’t pay attention.

So..in order

In reply to Don’t you know? It is sooooo much easier

to be pure, you must also be clueless?

It would appear so… After all,

In reply to Don’t you know? It is sooooo much easier

Nobody seems to have done a simple google search on “Ivory Snow Girl” as referenced in last week’s Friday Yuk. Maybe it is because she is so Pure.

🙂

Pure = clueless and ignorant — OR

In reply to Don’t you know? It is sooooo much easier

not paying attention, so we can all call ourselves Pure as long as we dont pay attention to the impure things that we do! Hmmm.

But..but..

In reply to Don’t you know? It is sooooo much easier

if you aren’t paying attention, then how could you be having any fun??

Ok

In reply to Don’t you know? It is sooooo much easier

You got me! I was trying to find the loopholes in this purity vs. impurity battle. Cause it seems as if almost each post jumps sides from the same people.
So, if you dont pay attention when someone states that it is pure, then it is impure, or, if you dont pay attention to the impurity, then it is pure!

All you have to pay attention to is the parts that you want, right? Then it is still fun AND you have a clean conscience……
And you can stay as pure (or impure) as you wish.

Exactly! For the most part… some of the time

In reply to Don’t you know? It is sooooo much easier

Purity is a thing, a force if you will, in and of itself. Regardless of attention or attention span whilst ensuring that bounds are not surpassed. To do that which is Pure and Just, while not just any pure, is to be that thing. It is important, however, not to force the issue so you should pay attention to things like that.

Does that help? 😐

People..

In reply to Friday Yuk

WTF is goin on..
oh hey mwilliams..welcome to the dark side sweetie! (waves manicly)

the Yuks are all over the place!!!!!!!!!

This week

In reply to People..

We ave bin mostly postin ere!(sorry couldnt resist)

I think theres a pure v impure thing going on. One yuk is safe the other well the other contains us *manical laughter* 😀

The founder of the Friday Yuk

In reply to This week

Will be very unhappy with your wicked ways. The next time that GOD visits TR and sees what you’ve done with his Weekly humour column he’ll be very unhappy and then you’ll be in real problems. 😀

Get GG to explain that one. :^0

Col

As if… :_| It appears that nobody is

In reply to This week

visiting the “other” Friday Yuk. Nobody there to convert. :_|

(Edited to find proper un-smiley)

;-) A Girl’s First Time

In reply to Friday Yuk

[i][b](Assume you are a girl, if you’re not.)[/i][/b]

It’s your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him
off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he
approaches you.

He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found
the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver, your body tenses; but
he’s gentle like he promised he’d be. He looks deeply within your eyes and
tells you to trust him – he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room
for an easy entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer,
going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your
body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are
filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He
begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him
within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you
and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you
have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a
tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin’?

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

A little something to offend nearly everyone

In reply to Friday Yuk

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.

What’s the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky’s mouth?
One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
100 people who don’t do dick..

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she’s 18.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”

What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying “Yo.”

Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
“Row, Row, Row Your Boat”

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They’re hiring.

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with… “a recipe.”

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F… word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What’s the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy
tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins “Once upon a time…A southern fairy tale
begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shite…..”

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

I love it…

In reply to A little something to offend nearly everyone

especially the southern (redneck) part.

My Impure contribution

In reply to Friday Yuk

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”
He asked how.
She said “I saw a man’s private part.” He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”
He asked how.
“I touched a man’s private parts.” He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, “I’m not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it.”

——————————————–

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?!”
The father replies “From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!”

——————————————–

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”

——————————————–

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.”
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! my hands are really freezing!”
She says again, “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up.” He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

funny

In reply to My Impure contribution

http://www.thealders.net/images/funniest_washroom.jpg

and this is too tempting:
http://www.churchsigngenerator.com/

monday

In reply to Friday Yuk

this monday is much more boring than the last one..

if i had the time i’d liven it up a bit, but alas..have to do a bit of work

i’m starting to get tired of this work thing, its getting in the way of my “fun time”
]:)

Then wake up later! (advertisement)

In reply to monday

I usually find it easier if I don’t wake up until just before lunch. If you find yourself dozing off during the mornings, you may be suffering from “[b]L[/b]ow [b]A[/b]ctualization [b]C[/b]ausing [b]K[/b]urtailment of sleep”. 🙁

If you use my new patented method of “[b]S[/b]uper [b]E[/b]nhanced E[b]x[/b]tended Sleep” you will wake up more refreshed, relaxed and ready to go. 🙂

Some of the methods you will learn include
* Creative Sleepwalking
* Preprogrammed answers
* and many, many more

Creative Sleepwalking is expecially good for commuters that don’t have to drive very much or are stuck in heavy traffic.

Preprogrammed answers are useful for those morning meetings scheduled by unthoughtful co-workers.

See how much more refreshed you can be after trying this exciting program!

(Edited to add limited silliness)

Just to let you know Shelly

In reply to monday

After reading this disgusting post I’ve had no choice but to report it as SPAM because you’ve used that disgusting 4 letter word twice in the one posting. I’m so disgusted that words fail me completely! HOW DARE YOU USE THAT DISGUSTING WORD [b]W##K![/b] :p

Surely DM hasn’t had that much of an effect on you as to make you sink so low has he? 🙂

On the down side I could only report this post of yours 400 times before I got [b]We Get The Message[/b] response from TR. 🙁

Col]:)

I was thinking the same thing

In reply to monday

Today has been so much quieter. In fact Ive only checked TR twice today and both times Ive been hoping that someone had posted something to make this monday like last week but unfortunatly it looks like it was a one off.

Im very upset about this 🙁 Im at the moment too much in a world of my own to think of something to start it off so someone pease give me something to laugh about.

Im bored now. Everyone around me is working on some project and I have to research 🙁 Research is so boring, and the blog people of the world seem to of found out everything I need anyway so I just keep refering to them :p

Im bored, have I said that already??

Billy Connolly’s Chain Letter

In reply to I was thinking the same thing

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion phucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe if you send them on, a poor wee six year old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send “his” email, ?1000?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullsh!t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5 A.D. and brought here by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

Phuck ’em!! If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I’ve seen all the “send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a penny from some omniscient being “forwards” about 90 times.

I don’t phucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it’s our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it’s funny, send it on.

Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 pence per letter he’ll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise,tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

P.S: Send me 15 quid and then phuck off

~been having a very busy couple of weeks, so I missed my yuks! Sorry I’m late!~

Impure?

In reply to I was thinking the same thing

This weekend I was talking with some dads at a school function. One related the story that he was sitting in a church with his young son (5 yrs old?) and to keep him occupied he would blow on his son’s hair.

The son found this endlessly entertaining and kept asking for more. It wasn’t really a problem since churches can be rather noisey places.

But then we have all been at parties when there was a sudden unexpected silence…

During this one, his son said in his loud innocent kid’s voice:

“Blow me again, Daddy.”

oh boy!

In reply to Impure?

That one really made me laugh out loud!!!!!!

gay rancher…

In reply to Impure?

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o?clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

“Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

“Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

25 Signs You Have Grown Up

In reply to Friday Yuk

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good.”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh hell, what happened?”

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass.

ACKKK

In reply to 25 Signs You Have Grown Up

I’ve grown up 🙁

what a sh1tty day.. had to actually WORK and now I’ve found out i grew up.

Questions to see if you really are old

In reply to ACKKK

Do you know what an “LP” is?

Have you ever held an “LP” in your hands?

Have you ever played an “8 track”?

Have you ever owned a calculator with an LED (not LCD) display?

Have you ever used CP/M?

Do you remember when gas was under US$0.35 per gallon?

Do you know who the Ivory Snow Girl is? (Hint for your Google search: Marilyn)

Do you know what she became more famous for?

Are you interested in what she became famous for? (Not “do you know” but “would you want some too”?)

The Obscenity of it all

In reply to ACKKK

Shelly you’ve used that disgusting 4 letter word again will you never learn???????????????? :p

I’m going to have to make another several thousand complaints again. 🙁

If you do not immediately [b]Cease & Desist[/b] from using this obscene language you will be toast here on TR and never be welcome again. 😀

Col ]:)

YEA I know TR spat the dummy after I had reported the above post 400 times I got a screen with big Orange Letters on a Black Background that read [b]YES WE GET THE MESSAGE![/b] 🙁

I am half tempted now

In reply to The Obscenity of it all

to report you 400 times just to screenshot that message….Lol

Woo!

In reply to 25 Signs You Have Grown Up

Still young, and not grown up at all 😀
only about 3 of them applied to me 😀

Bloody show-off! X-(

In reply to Woo!

(kidding)

GG

]:)

Well….

In reply to Bloody show-off! X-(

I am only 21 😀 :p 😀 so Im still at the “oh bugger your pregnant”, and “Im never going to drink that much again” stage. Thats not my fault, anyway I dont plan on ever growing up 😀

You have my Sincerest Condolences

In reply to Well….

Instead of this pitiful attempt to deny the fact that you will grow up with a destroyed body you need to think of your future. Constantly drinking Booze and allowing your Blood to contaminate your Alcohol will lead to many problems that are not curable and even worse prevent you from enjoying life when you get old enough to do so. :p

I learnt a very long time ago that remaining young was never an option but if you looked after yourself in the beginning of your life you can [b]Grow Old Disgracefully[/b] and be able to look forward to a very long Disgraceful life in front of you where you can do as you please without any problems. 😀

Col ]:)

Well Steffi

In reply to Woo!

I’m sure that, given enough time and experience, you’ll be able to apply more of them! 😉

Well in that case Steffi. :p

In reply to Woo!

Your in real trouble if you ever visit AU. We have Curfews in place here to prevent people like you running out of control down the public streets. 😀

Our Honest Police will take you to a place of safety where they will have their way with you and then take you home to Mommy & Daddy and tell them that you’ve been done for Drunk & Disorderly while Soliciting. And that is only the female Officers the males will never allow you out again. But they will be quite happy to accept the report of you as a [b]Missing Person[/b] and then once someone who is old enough to report your absence leaves the Police Station they will shred the report and continue to do as they like with you. :p

Col

That sounds like fun.

In reply to Well in that case Steffi. :p

I’ll be on the next flight :p

just remembered this:

In reply to 25 Signs You Have Grown Up

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

You SUCK

In reply to 25 Signs You Have Grown Up

you know that!! 😀 Why in the he11 did you have to remind me. My back hurts from work and then I have to read this.

WooWoo!

In reply to 25 Signs You Have Grown Up

only PARTIALLY grown up! :p

Recently in Afghanistan…..

In reply to Friday Yuk

A company of Canadian troops were on patrol north of Khandahar and came upon a Taliban insurgent badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road was a Canadian soldier in a similar but less serious condition.

The soldier was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the soldier was asked what had happened. The soldier reported:

?I was heavily armed and moving north along this highway and coming south was that heavily armed Taliban insurgent. We saw each other and immediately took cover. I called out to him that Osama bin Laden was a miserable low-life, scumbag, and he yelled back that Stephen Harper was a rich, good-for-nothing, lying, Conservative windbag and Paul Martin wasn?t any better.?

?We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us.?

Lol — Similar Opinions after all huh

In reply to Recently in Afghanistan…..

🙂

TOO CLEAN! I Have Nothing to be OFFENDED About!

In reply to Friday Yuk

What is going on here!?!?!?

gotta fix that!

In reply to TOO CLEAN! I Have Nothing to be OFFENDED About!

There was a little girl and a little boy playing in the sandbox.
One day they got into a fight and the boy said:
“My daddy is stronger than your daddy.”
The girl replied:
“My mommy is smarter that your mommy.”
“Oh yeah?” says the little boy. He gets up and pulls down his pants and says; “Well I got one of these!”
Well, the little girl doesn’t know what to say so she runs off crying. The next day they’re playing in the sandbox, and they start fighting again.
The little boy says; “My daddy’s truck is bigger than your daddy’s truck!”
The little girl says; “My mommy has a better job than your mommy.”
Well, the little boy gets up, pulls down his pants and says; “Well I got one of these!”
The little girl gets up and pulls down here skirt and says; “So what? Mommy told me I can get as many of those as I want with one of these!”

*
3 truck drivers died and met St. Peters at the Pearly Gates.
There was a JB Hunt, a Wal Mart, and an ole bull hauler truck driver.
St. Peters said, “I?m going to ask you 2 questions, I want you to answer them honestly.”
He asked the JB Hunt and Wal Mart driver, “Have you ever cheated on your log books?”
They replied, “No sir.”
St. Peters asks, “You ever cheated on your wife?”
They replied, ” No we sure haven’t.”
St. Peters says, “You 2 go to door #1.”
The ole bull hauler walks up there and St. Peters asks, “Have you ever cheated on your log book?”
The ole bull hauler replies, “Hell yes I have, drove from New York to L.A. and never wrote down an hour either way.”
St. Peters asks, “You ever cheated on your wife?”
The ole bull hauler replies, “Oh hell yes, there?s this chick in New Mexico that gives the best bl0w j0b in the world!”
St. Peters tells him, “You go to door #2.”
The ole bull hauler strolls over and looks back at St. Peters, “Why am I going to door #2 and those 2 a$$holes are going to door #1?”
St. Peters replies, “Cause those 2 are going to hell for lying, and you and I are going to New Mexico!”

*

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

*

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband; “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
The husband being shocked, replied; “How’s this possible? You’ve been married three times before.”
The wife responds; “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”

*

A man and woman have been married for twenty years, and their sex life has become, well, non-existent.
The husband keeps suggesting sex to his wife at bed time, and she keeps saying she has a headache.
One night, as they are getting ready for bed, the husband walks into the bedroom carrying a glass of water and two aspirin.
“What’s that for?” asks the wife.
“For your headache,” replies the husband.
“Headache?” says the wife. “I don’t have a headache!”
“I’ve got you now!” says the husband.

HAHAHA :D

In reply to gotta fix that!

I especially liked the last one 🙂 I should try that with my husband, only I’d be the one bringing in the asprin :p

Keep it up I’ve still got plenty of screen wipes left 😀

some more….

In reply to HAHAHA :D

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, “Your thing doesn’t have any skin on it!”.

“I’ve been circumcised.”, the other replied.

“What’s that mean?”

“It means they cut the skin off the end.”

“How old were you when it was cut off?”

“My mom said I was two days old.”

“Did it hurt?”, the kid asked inquiringly.

“You bet it hurt, I didn’t walk for a year!”

*

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, “Why don’t we get it on, eh?” She replies, “I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don’t like to make love the night before.” So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, “You don’t by any chance have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow, do you?”

*

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

“Yeah teach?” he replies.

“If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?” asks the teacher.

Matt answers “Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off.”

“No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you’re thinking.” the teacher responds.

“Well, teach, I’ve got a question for you… There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?”

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, “Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that’s sucking on the ice cream.”

Matt replies “No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking!”

*

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this…

‘Looking for man with these qualifications; won’t beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.’

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”

So the lady says, “What makes you think you are great in bed?”

Bob replies, “I rang the door bell didn’t I?”

*

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a bl0w j0b there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. “Where do you think you going?” the wife asks. “I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”

Steffi just get your Hubby to e-mail me

In reply to HAHAHA :D

& I’ll teach him how to look after you so that you are the one insisting that you have a headache and every other part of your body is hurting so there is no way known that he’s getting anything. 😀

Of course the scary part is it will be correct and you’ll be the one constantly on the look out for an [b]EverLast Chasity Belt.[/b] :^0

But I’ll also tell him the secret release method for one of those as well. :p

I just love to hear a woman on her knees at my feet begging for mercy and really meaning it. :^0 😀 :^0

Col ]:)

Last time you said that didn’t you..

In reply to Steffi just get your Hubby to e-mail me

just get the woman to scrub the floor of your entire palatial mansion with a hand-held bristle brush?

BRISTLE BRUSH?

In reply to Last time you said that didn’t you..

What the Hell do you think I am generous I only allowed her to have 1 bristle to scrub the floor with. :p

You can not allow these women to get delusions of grander about themselves you know. 😀

Col ]:)

:0 X-(

In reply to BRISTLE BRUSH?

I am shocked at this Col. I didnt have you down as a sexist slave driver! Although, even tho theres a chance I’ll end up cleaning with a bristle, Im still tempted by your offer :p

Edited because – Does anyone know why this bloody smiley in the heading aint working???
Edited again – Thanks Col 🙂

delusions..

In reply to BRISTLE BRUSH?

hey, you may take away my Impurity, but never my delusions!!

Where would i be without them, how would i get through my day, how would i still be able to use MS products and live with myself?????

Col, please, I beg you, let me have my delusions…I’ll do anything.. (except scrub your floor) ]:)

Steffi

In reply to BRISTLE BRUSH?

You need to use a zero instead of an upper case o to make the emotion work. :p

Shell I’ll allow you to keep some delusions just not all of them. Like you’ll know that when you are playing with M$ Junk you are not working but attempting to fix the unfix able with chewing gum and bailing wire to make it work for another 3 Nano seconds in the hope that you just might get it to load this time. 😀

Col ]:)

baling wire

In reply to BRISTLE BRUSH?

as in baling twine..

oh god i steer clear of that stuff..

fond memories of helping to unload a very large flatbed truck full of square bales when i was bout 10 or so. well, since i was small, i got to go up to the top of the pile and chuck em down to the guys..got into a rythem: reach, dig fingers in under twine, heave, pull fingers out, drop.

except the one time i didn’t move my fingers fast enough and hand was stuck under twine, heaved and dropped at same time..i went with the bale..didn’t break anything but cried like heck for a while 🙂

(i’ve just admitted to being a farm girl haven’t i?)

I’ve heard about Farm Girls…

In reply to BRISTLE BRUSH?

They hang around and get pointers from the workers up in the hay lofts and also watch the other farm animals.

Educational, so I hear…

i’ve heard about farm girls too…

In reply to BRISTLE BRUSH?

…. but the memories are better!!!!

Well as the Secret is out Shell

In reply to BRISTLE BRUSH?

Think of it this way. 😀

Next time that you walk to a wall and flick a switch and nothing happens or walk to a sink and turn a tap and again nothing happens you’ll have some idea what to do. It’s called being resourceful. But just make sure that you don’t go around shooting members of your family that you can not justify keeping alive that isn’t tolerated too well right at the moment. :p

Col ]:)

But Hal, What about Dick?

In reply to BRISTLE BRUSH?

Over here, our beloved V.P., the Dark Prince (George’s puppetmaster), was able to shoot a lawyer and everybody laughed. Apparently it should be ok to shoot relatives, at least in Texas.

[Author]

Replies