After Hours·5,449 discussions

Friday Yuk

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ok folks..i can’t find one yet, so i’ll start one then!!

I thought This was cute:

Sign Language

Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ?an`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

After receiving His son`s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love Dad

Topic

Old and cheap :)

In reply to Friday Yuk

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth”

yet another

In reply to Friday Yuk

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad,
how many kinds of b00bies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there’s three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum,
how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man also goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

Happy Weekend everyone 🙂

:) nice one Shellbot :)

In reply to yet another

How wicked can woman get 😉

————-
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. “Mom,” she says, “I just found out that my fiance’s mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding.” The bride’s mother thinks for a minute. “Don’t worry,” she tells her daughter. “I’ll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony.” “But mother,” says the bride, “that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It’s such a waste not to use it.” “Who said I won’t use it?” her mother asked. “I’ll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner.”
————-

Have a great weekend all 🙂
Rob

thats …

In reply to :) nice one Shellbot :)

pure evil!!

🙂

You keeping well? Good xmas and all that?

Boy am I glad …

In reply to thats …

not being one of the girl-gang 😀

Had some great day’s with friends near Albufeira, Portugal. Went over 3rd Christmasday and stayed for a week.

Made some real nice coastal walks and around Silves [i](an ancient town 25 km of Albufeira land inwards)[/i]
Had some very nice beachparties. Special at New Years eve it was a real nice party. Had a real great dinner at a coastal hotel with view on the ocean and along the beach towards Albufeira, before the beach-party started off.
It was real fun 🙂

Hope your Xmas and NYF were great to 😡

Rob

Enjoy your Steak at

In reply to Boy am I glad …

sizzling stone did you?

Did enjoy a lot :)

In reply to Enjoy your Steak at

but wasn’t aware it was a Steak at a sizzling stone. [i]alltho … I ?heard? some nice ?sizzling? noises. Special later on on the beach :8} :0 [/i]

The place we had dinner was “Vila Joya” a great hotel/restaurant 🙂

Rob

son to father

In reply to yet another

“Dad, how much does it cost to get married?”
“I dunno son,” replies the dad.
“I’m still paying!”

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

So True

In reply to son to father

😀

yep

In reply to So True

Still paying for telling that joke where my wife could hear it! 😀

When I tell my wife

In reply to yep

the joke, she will probably break my fingers so I can’t post for awhile 😀 . Of course I’ll blame you, you understand.

Edited for clarity.

No problem!

In reply to When I tell my wife

I’m not afraid of your wife…..

ummm, you guys aren’t planning a trip to Canada, are you?

Are you kidding!!

In reply to No problem!

No way. I wouldn’t want my wife to teach your wife how to kick my butt!!! One whooping a day is all I can handle.

why?

In reply to yet another

Why do married couples fight?

So they can make up!

Re: yet another

In reply to yet another

GROAN!!

Thanks for the humor!

How many times

In reply to Friday Yuk

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: [b]4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer[/b]”

Rob

You know your marriage may be in trouble when

In reply to How many times

the minister ends the service with:

“… and may God have mercy on your souls.”

…

In reply to You know your marriage may be in trouble when

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke!

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates

license

In reply to You know your marriage may be in trouble when

Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I’m looking for a loophole

Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time!

oldie

In reply to license

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment had passed, they both managed to fall asleep – the woman on the top bunk, and the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leaned over the edge of the bunk and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, Sir, but I am terribly cold and was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?”

The man looked up with a glint in his eye and said, “I’ve got a better idea… why don’t we pretend we’re married?”
“Why not?!” giggled the woman.
“Good,” he replied. “Get your own damn blanket!”

Early Tech Support

In reply to Friday Yuk

The Early Days of Tech Support
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

Tech Support: Fire help. Me Groog

Lorto: Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

Tech Support: You have tinder?

Lorto: Ugh

Tech Support: You have flint and stone?

Lorto: Ugh

Tech Support: You hit them together?

Lorto: Ugh

Tech Support: What happen?

Lorto: Fire not work. Tinder not catch fire.

Tech Support: (sigh) Make spark?

Lorto: Plenty spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

Tech Support: (sigh) You change rock?

Lorto: I change nothing

Tech Support: You sure?

Lorto: Me make one change. Tinder hot yesterday, so today me soak in
stream so not burn Lorto hand. Only small change, shouldn’t keep Lorto
from make fire.

*Groog grabs club and goes to Lorto’s cave*

*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*

advice to newlyweds

In reply to Friday Yuk

~Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: “Yes dear”

~To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

~If your wife laughs at your joke, it means you either have a good joke, or a good wife.

~A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. “Put these on,” he said to his wife. She did and they were obviously much too large. “There’s no way I can wear these – they’re way too big,” she said. “Good! Now you know who wears the pants in this family,” replied the husband.

Flustered, the wife removed her panties, and handing them to her husband said, “Put these on.” The husband looked at the tiny panties and said, “There’s no way I can get into these.” To which the wife replied, “You’re darn right! At least not until you change your attitude!”

Q&A

In reply to advice to newlyweds

Q: What’s the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?
A: You can’t unscrew a pregnant lady!

Q: Why does it take 450 million male sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won’t stop to ask directions.

Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married?
A: Newlywebs.

Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love?
A: They got married in the spring.

Q: Why can’t Barbie get pregnant?
A: Because Ken comes in a different box!

Q: Why is it more important for women to be pretty rather than smart?
A: Because men can see better than the they can think.

Q: What do electric trains and women’s breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children but it’s the men who play with them.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor-lock.

Q: Why are men like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are taken and the ones left over are handicapped.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.

Q: Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
A: They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.

Q: What’s the difference between a Savings Bond and the typical male?
A: At some point, the Savings Bond will mature!

Q: What do men and tile floors have in common?
A: If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years.

Q: Why is sex with someone new like a snow storm?
A: Because you never know when it will come, how deep it will be or how long it will last.

Q: Why are lifesavers better than men?
A: They come in five flavors.

Q: Why are men like trains?
A: They always stop before you get off.

Q: Why do bachelors like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don’t know – it’s never happened.

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.

Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

Q: Why are women so bad at judging distances?
A: Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 12 inches.

Q: What is the only time a man will think about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: Sex is always better with someone you love.

Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds ?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q: What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a very thin woman?
A: The counterfeit bill is a phony buck

Q: What did the bra say to the hat?
A: You go on ahead, I’m going to give these two a lift

Q: Why is sex like winning at bridge?
A: You either need a good partner or a good hand.

Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?

Q: How is an all-night stud different from a premature ejaculator?
A: One is good for seconds, the other is good for seconds

Q: How do you make 6 pounds of fat attractive?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: …because it’s always good for the dishwasher to match the fridge and stove

Q: How do you know when you’re at a hillbilly wedding?
A: Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church

Q: What can you make from baked beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.

Q: Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t ?
A: Her navel.

Rebuttal (kinda :-)

In reply to Q&A

The feminists have a legitimate grievance. But so does everyone else. – Edward Abbey

Woman: A creature whom a man can’t get along with or without. Animal usually living in the vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. – Ambrose Bierce

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. – Dumas
Women! You can’t live with them, you can’t do most positions without them.
– Dan Fielding (from the “Night Court” television series)

The great question… Which I have not been able to answer…is, “What does a woman want?” – Freud

Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. – Dr. Johnson

It’s so hard for women, even nice women, to realize that their bodies are not irresistible. – Philip Marlowe “The Big Sleep” (1939) a novel by Raymond Chandler

Men always want to please women, but these last 15 years, women have been hard
to please. If you want to resist the feminist movement, the simple way to do it
is to give them what they want and they’ll defeat themselves. Today, you’ve got
endless women in their 20s and 30s who don’t know if they want to be a mother,
have lunch, or be secretary of state. – actor Jack Nicholson, sharing his
analysis of the “battle between the sexes”

Did you know that woman speaks eighteen languages? … And can’t say ‘no’ in any of them. – Dorothy Parker

Feminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. – Pat Robertson

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge, we would get somewhere.
– James Thurber

A man uses guns, knives, and explosives to get what he wants, but a woman has some very special weapons of her own.

Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.
Feminists are okay, I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Never argue with a woman when she’s tired…or when she’s rested.

One of the ironies of life is that it’s usually the warm girls, not the cold ones, who get the fur coats.

Women do not snore, fart, or belch; therefore, they must bitch or else they will blow up.

I could rebut that.

In reply to Rebuttal (kinda :-)

[i]Women do not snore, fart, or belch;[/i]

🙂

last one for now…

In reply to Friday Yuk

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20, for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go – It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $ 1 million. Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $ 2 million and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out “If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”

You know, sometimes men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut…

Have a great weekend all!

First time

In reply to Friday Yuk

I’ve been reading the off topic section for a while but never posted. I look forward to the Friday Yuk all week. You all make Friday afternoon fly by. Here’s my contribution. Oh and I hope I don’t offend anyone with the blonde joke but it’s OK. I’m a blonde!

A young woman said to her doctor, ‘You have to help me, I hurt
all over!’

‘What do you mean?’ said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and
yelled,’Ow, that hurts.’

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, ‘Ouch! That
hurts, too.’

Then she touched her right earlobe. ‘Ow, even THAT hurts!’

The doctor asked the woman, ‘Are you a natural blonde?’

‘Why yes,’ she said.

‘I thought so,’ said the doctor. ‘You have a sprained finger.’

Welcome aboard

In reply to First time

Glad to have you, and don’t worry about the joke, it was tame. In fact, this whole post has been tame. 🙁

ok, sorry!

In reply to Welcome aboard

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, “Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot.”

The second man married a telephone operator.

Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, “Wow, he’s one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom.”

The third man married a school teacher.

Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, “Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.”

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher’s husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn’t call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man’s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

“Sir, what happened?” asked Jeff. “You married a nurse.”

“Son, don’t ever marry a nurse,” the man sourly replied. “All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, ‘You’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary’.”

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator’s husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man’s hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.

“What happened?” Jeff asked with surprise. “Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices.”

“Son, don’t ever marry a telephone operator,” the man groaned. “All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, ‘Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up’.”

Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher’s husband would be calling at any moment.

Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher’s husband called for breakfast.

Jeff couldn’t believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple’s room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.

“My goodness sir, what happened to you?” Jeff asked, fearing the worst. “Did you have a fight?”

The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, “No. Son, when you marry be sure it’s to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, ‘We’re going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right’.”

———————————-

Bedroom Golf

* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.

* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.

* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.

* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.

* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.

* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.

* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.

* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

* Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

* Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.

* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.

* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

belated effort – been offline – sorry, Dunno, will try to untame sooner next time!

GG

Now that’s what I’m talking about!!!

In reply to ok, sorry!

😀

Anybody up for a round of golf? ]:)

Edited because I’m very slooooow!

Oh mine are

In reply to ok, sorry!

really tame (lame) next to GG’s. I’ll do better next time.

Danger Will Roberson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In reply to Oh mine are

Kim you have to be very careful of GG as she has the tendency to drag everyone down to her level particularly the girls here at TR. 🙂

D Mambo has been fighting a loosing battle over the past few years in an attempt to improve the jokes told here but has failed miserably and is now showing signs of joining GG in the gutter with the rest of us. 😀

Col ]:)

I’ve been warned,

In reply to Danger Will Roberson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I can probably make my way there without too much help!

Well in that case

In reply to I’ve been warned,

Join Right In the Mud Slinging fun down here. :^0

Well at least I think it’s mud. 🙂

Col ]:)

always be careful

In reply to Oh mine are

when you get next to GG! :0

Mistress GG will make SURE you do better each and every time! 😀

look who is talking :)

In reply to always be careful

Experience JD, did GG come after you 🙂
Is this the reason for the improvement?
Or is it just your new name that made you more quick to the point 😀 😉

I know it works for me 🙂 😉 [i]self_reflexion can be such a nice thingy[/i]
Rob

Thanks

In reply to Welcome aboard

Let me try again then.
Albert came home one day, very excited. “Do you know what they are saying?” he asked his wife Edith, “they say our janitor has slept with every woman in this building except for one!”

Edith responded “That must be that girl from number 27; no one likes her!”

or maybe

A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate I’ll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery. On the day he was admitted his mother asked Dr. could you please circumcise him while he is asleep.

The Dr. agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several days.

After about a week he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery.

The little boy replied ‘all I can tell you is your tonsils ain’t where you think they are.’

And just one more.

One night a police officer was staking out the parking lot of a rowdy bar, waiting for anyone who would drive away drunk. Near closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then the man sat in the front seat, fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. The cop got his ticket book ready and waited for the man to drive away. He waited and waited, while everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally the man started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer turned on his siren and stopped the driver. But when he administered the Breathalyzer test, the results read 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight, I was the designated decoy.”

Very Funny..

In reply to Thanks

Glad you decided to step out of the shadows.

:) nicely put

In reply to Thanks

Welcome JustKim 🙂 Glad you joined us in the mudpoole. 😀 😉
Didn’t notice you were blonde, untill you said so. You obviously do know what you’re doing 🙂

Rob

Thanks for the welcomes

In reply to :) nicely put

everyone.

Designated Decoy

In reply to Thanks

I gotta remember that one. Could come in handy!

re: welcome aboard

In reply to Welcome aboard

I’m trying not to give our wives any more ammo, so I’m trying to stay out of the gutter (looks like it’s getting crowded in there) 🙂

Hemlock…..

In reply to re: welcome aboard

there’s plenty of room………

…….TR was nice enough to provide us with a really HUGE gutter………

C’mon over to the dark side! 😀

]:)

GG

it wouldn’t be coming over….

In reply to Hemlock…..

more like showing my true colours!!! 😀

That’s Once…

In reply to Friday Yuk

My first post, though i look forward to each and every Friday.
==========================
On their 50th wedding anniversary a young man asked his great-great grandfather the secret to such a long marriage.
The great-great-grandfather told the young man; “On the day we were married i drove home in a horse and buggy. The horse slipped once and i told it; “That’s once horse.” Awhile later the horse slipped again. i told the horse; “That’s twice horse.” Before we reached the house the horse slipped again. i told the horse; “That’s three times horse.” i got my gun from under the buggy seat and shot it dead.”
“Your great-great-grandmother looked at me and said; “Why did You shoot that horse? How are we ever going to get home now?”
“i looked her in the eye and said; “That’s once woman.” We’ve never had an argument since.”

[Author]

Replies