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  • #2247870

    Friday yuk

    Locked

    by rob mekel ·

    Well friday is well on its way so …

    Here we go
    —–
    President Bill Clinton called Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency:

    “Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the American President cried, “My people’s favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!” “Bill, da Canajian pipple would be ‘appy to do anyt’ing wit’in der power to ‘elp you,” replied the Prime Minister. “I do need your help,” said Clinton. “Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?”
    “Certainement! I will get on hit right haway.” said Jean.
    “Oh, and one more small favor, please?” said President Bill.
    “Oui?”
    “Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?” asked Clinton.
    “No prob’lem,” replied the Prime Minister, and with that, Chretien hung up and called the president of Trojan.
    “I need a favor. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, an sen’em to Hamerica.”
    “Consider it done,” said the President of Trojan.
    “Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be bleu, blanc ‘n rouge in color; hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia’ meter.”
    “That’s easily done. Anything else?”
    “Yes,” said the Prime Minister, “an print on dem MADE IN CANADA, size: MEDIUM.”

    —–
    A more heavy one
    —–

    On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of ?100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice. The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. “I’ll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!” replies the man of war. “Excellent,” says the commander, that’s “70 inches, so here’s ?7000.” Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. “Excellent,” replies the commander after measuring the marine, “75 inches, so that’s ?7500.” Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. “I’ll have measured the tip of my dick to he end of my balls sahr!” The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private’s privates he snaps back up saying “Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!” The soldier smiles at him and says “Falkland Islands sahr!”

    ———-

    Have fun all and a great weekend. 🙂

    Rob

All Comments

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    • #3219509

      old people

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to Friday yuk

      Three old guys are out walking.
      First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
      Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!”
      Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer
      _______________________________

      An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
      The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it
      very highly.”
      The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
      The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know…the one that’s red and has thorns.”
      “Do you mean a rose?”
      “Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

      _________________________________

      A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling
      slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

      ________________________________

    • #3219506

      Train Travel (Not Impure!!)

      by dmambo ·

      In reply to Friday yuk

      Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

      They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

      The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

      When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

      • #3219480
        Avatar photo

        [b]ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/b]

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Train Travel (Not Impure!!)

        What where all those people doing crammed into the rest rooms? :p

        That’s perverted and implying that they are now all confirmed members of the [b]Iron Tracks Club.[/b] 🙂

        DM your purity filter is obviously still out in a failed attempt to be repaired isn’t it? 😀

        [b]Smoke on the Water Fire In The Sky[/b] Nope that’s just the [b]Red Glow[/b] from the east here and it’s DM realising just how disgusting his above post was. I just hope that you can’t get Skin Cancer from that [b]Bright Red Glow![/b] I’ve seen less intense sunlight, things are so bright here now. I hope the curtains don’t get destroyed any faster now that we have both Sunlight & the Red Glow of Embarrassment. :^0

        For something truly pure look here.

        http://tinyurl.com/wwvav

        Col ]:)

        • #3219476

          “You Can’t Handle the Truth”

          by dmambo ·

          In reply to [b]ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/b]

          An innocent crammed restroom joke and you insist on looking under every rock for something that isn’t there. When will you realize that I shall always remain above the gutter where you and your friend wallow.

          The only glow you see is the bright white light of my untainted purity.

          Please don’t add jealousy to your manifold sins.

          “Oh bad, bad, naughty Zut” er… I mean Col.

          Oh, and have a nice weekend!!!! 😀

        • #3219447

          I’m beginning to worry about you

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to “You Can’t Handle the Truth”

          Purity = spanking from Col?

          You know, the whole ‘naughty Zut’ bit. Doesn’t a spanking come next?

        • #3219365
          Avatar photo

          I saw this and immediately thought of you DM

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to “You Can’t Handle the Truth”

          http://tinyurl.com/yd5m6p

          And no I don’t believe it for a single minute either as when you see 2 people entering an aircraft [b]Rest Room[/b] there is only one meaning that you can take away from that. :p

          The same applied when you see more than one person entering a train restroom they are up to something no good and didn’t want to spring for a sleeper. :^0

          As Bat fink says [b]My Wings are like a shield of steal and will protect me from my enemies![/b] while all DM can say is [b]My purity shines like a bright light to attract attention and attack.[/b] 😀

          Incidentally the [b]Iron Tracks Club[/b] was around long before the [b]Mile High Club[/b] was even dreamt about. So do you still wish to pretend to attach yourself to that Bright Red Glow in my East? 🙂

          Col ]:)

        • #3216282

          Col, Is that all true ?:|

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to I saw this and immediately thought of you DM

          Your:
          “The same applied when you see more than one person entering a train restroom they are up to something no good and didn’t want to spring for a sleeper. 😀 ”
          can’t be all true 🙂

          Often seen a parent and child going to the restroom, a Mile High (more or less), and I do think that that should be interpreted otherwise then you imply ]:) 😀 😉

          Rob

          [i]edited for those @#$%$#@ emoticons [/i]

        • #3216226
          Avatar photo

          Rob children are different

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Col, Is that all true ?:|

          You only worry about them when the parent doesn’t come out with them. 😀

          Did I hear someone say something about [b]Blue Ice?[/b] :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #3216140

          ;) What about

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Rob children are different

          When the child comes out :0 (and no(on the DE), the restroom is meant ]:) ) without the parent that acompanied it?
          Should be worring to, wouldn’t it. 😉

          Rob

        • #3279650
          Avatar photo

          No that’s not worrying

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Rob children are different

          [b]IT’s TERRIFYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/b]

          To even think about another uncontrolled child running around an aircraft out of control. When things like that happen you start to pray for severe turbulence. 😀

          Actually I was on one flight out of Saudi Arabia where they actually lost a child on a 747 at cruising altitude. It was under it’s parents control when the plane took off and somehow disappeared in flight. Now if only those people would control their children while a plane is in flight things like that couldn’t happen. :^0

          Col

        • #3279642

          Col

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Rob children are different

          I have a good story about ‘kids on a plane’

          When my oldest son was around 2 years old, we flew from Boston to Cincinnati. He wasn’t happy. I dunno if his ears hurt, or if he was just pissy, but he wasn’t a happy baby. He fussed and he cried and generally made himself as unpleasant as possible. The flight attendant came and asked if she could take him to the cockpit. I let him go. She brought him back with a little cup full of raisins. He shoved one after another into his mouth. I told him to chew and swallow. He shoved as many as he could into his mouth and had black raisin goo running from his lips. He spit the whole big mass of raisins out and handed them to me, then wiped his hand on the woman’s skirt who was sitting next to us. I’m reasonably sure that she would have pitched him off the plane if she could have.

        • #3279507
          Avatar photo

          Mae sounds like you where having fun. :D

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Rob children are different

          I really didn’t have anything at all to do with the missing kid as while he would have fitted dead under my seat there where another 100 or so who I would have had to do away with as well and I couldn’t hide that many corpus in the small space provided. 🙁

          One of the many lessons that I’ve learnt over the years one is to never take a commercial aircraft out of Saudi Arabia, always fly out on Leased aircrft, never catch a Cab while in Rome actually don’t even consider going to Rome and never leave the airport if you have to stop over there and the last one is never catch a cab in LA. I’ve got something about being locked in a wire cage with pistols floating around beside the driver on the front seat.

          Although I’ll give the LA Cabbies this you are more likely to arrive where you want to go and only run a small chance of being shot but in Rome you are unlikely to live the 2 minute trip out of the airport let alone the trip to your Hotel or meeting. Traffic Lights in Rome are interesting if they are green it means go fast when they change to yellow it means go faster and when they are Red that means that they have to try to fly through the intersection or try driving on the footpath or if they are a really good driver along the sides of buildings. The LA Cabbies in comparison look totally [b]SANE![/b] :^0

          Col

    • #3219505

      computer camp

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to Friday yuk

      Dear Mr. Johnson:

      Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.

      It’s about my son, Billy. He’s always been a good, normal 10 year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy.

      We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire — you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.

      I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went last year. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.

      I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He’s changed. I can’t explain it. See for yourself.

      These are some of my little Billy’s letters:
      ———————————–
      Letter # 1
      ———-
      The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy.

      Letter # 2
      ————-
      Dear Mom,
      Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. By the way, can you make Szechwan food? I’m getting used to it now. Gotta go, it’s time for the flowchart
      class.
      Love, Billy.

      P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It’s spell checked too.

      Letter # 3
      ————-
      Dear Mom,
      Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don’t have much of a tan cause we don’t go outside very often. You can’t see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I’m okay, really.

      Love, Billy.

      Letter # 4
      ————-
      Dear Mom,
      I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you send more money? I’ve got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

      Love, Billy.

      Letter # 5
      ————-
      Dear Mother,
      Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It’s really easy! I got into the university’s in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he’s going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He’s really
      smart. He says that I shouldn’t call myself Billy anymore. So, I’m not.

      Signed, William.

      Letter # 6
      ————-
      Dear Mother,
      How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why’d you get so upset? I haven’t gained that much weight. The glasses aren’t real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you’d be proud of my program. After all, I’ve made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I’ve paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won’t be home until late August.

      Regards, William.

      Letter # 7
      ————-
      Mother,
      Stop treating me like a child. True — physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. – the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won’t write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.

      Sincerely, William.
      ————-

      What can I do, Mr. Johnson?

      See what I mean? It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from my little boy. I know that it’s probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of
      programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

      Sally Gates,
      Concerned Parent

    • #3219504

      Cats and Dogs

      by techexec2 ·

      In reply to Friday yuk

      [b]A dog thinks:[/b] Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. [b]They must be Gods![/b]

      [b]A cat thinks:[/b] Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. [b]I must be a God![/b]

    • #3219494

      A Guy Walks Into A Bar…

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to Friday yuk

      A termite walks into a barroom and asks, “Is the bartender here?”

      A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

      A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The
      grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

      A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?” The goldfish says, “Water.”

      Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. “I can’t serve you,” says the bartender. “You’re Bard!”

      A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” The bartender said, “Yes, we do!” “Good,” replied the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”

      A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer, and a mop.”

      An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, “Do I come here often?”

      John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

      A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, “You can come in, but don’t start anything!”

      A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, “For you, no charge!”

      A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

      A gorilla walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, “That’ll be $10. You know, we don’t get many gorillas coming in here, you know.” The gorilla says, “At $10 a beer, that’s not hard to understand.”

      A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, “You look nice today.” A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, “That’s a nice shirt.” The guy asks the bartender, “Who is that?” The bartender says,
      “Those are the peanuts. They’re complimentary!”

      A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

      • #3290453

        Add to that…

        by omnifice ·

        In reply to A Guy Walks Into A Bar…

        A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says “we don’t server your kind in here!”. The mushroom says “why not? I’m a fungi”.

        A piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartender says “we don’t server your kind in here!”. The rope walks out of the bar and sits on the curb feeling quite bad for himself. Suddenly he gets an idea: he pulls apart one of his ends, and tangles himself up. Excitedly the rope goes back into the bar. The bartender says “weren’t you just in here a few minutes ago?” and the rope says “no, I’m a frayed knot”.

        No groaning. 🙂

        Cheers!

    • #3219489

      How’s My Cat?

      by techexec2 ·

      In reply to Friday yuk

      A man goes on a 2 month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

      Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

      Brother 2: She’s Dead.

      Brother 1: She’s Dead?!! What do you mean “She’s Dead”?!! I loved that cat! Couldn’t you think of a nicer way to tell me?!! I’m leaving in 3 days. You could have broke me into the news easier. You could have told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I call before I leave you could have told me “well…we found her but she is up on the roof and we’re having trouble getting her down”. Then when I call you from the airport you could have told me “the Fire Department is here and scared her off the roof and she died when she hit the ground”.

      Brother 2: I’m sorry…you’re right…that was insensitive and I won’t let it happen again.

      Brother 1: Alright..Alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

      Brother 2: She’s up on the roof and we’re having trouble getting her down.

    • #3219488
      Avatar photo

      OK I wasn’t going to post this one

      by hal 9000 ·

      In reply to Friday yuk

      As it’s too close to the truth but Danger Mouse needs to understand the difference between a Pure Joke and a disgusting one. :p

      10 Sings that you are burned out

      10. You’re so tired you now answer the phone “hell”.

      9. Your best friend calls to ask how you’ve been
      and you immediately scream” get off by back, BITCH”.

      8. Your garbage can is you’re “in” box.

      7. You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire,
      but go back to sleep because you just don’t care.

      6. You have so much on your mind that
      you’ve forgotten how to pee.

      5. Visions of the up coming weekend
      help you make it through Monday.

      4. You sleep more at work than you do at home.

      3. You leave for a party and instinctively
      bring your briefcase.

      2. Your day-timer exploded a week ago.

      1. You think about how relaxing it would be
      if you were in jail right now.

      Have a great weekend everyone. 🙂

      Col

    • #3219484

      a Scotsman…

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to Friday yuk

      A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by. “Och, whut’s thaaat?” he said.
      His Canadian friend looked out and said, “Oh, that’s a moose.”
      “Och! If thaaat’s a moose, hoo big are your cats aroond here?”

      • #3289926

        The Scotsmans First Baseball game

        by dryflies ·

        In reply to a Scotsman…

        A scotsman went to his first baseball game ever. he has great seats along the first base line and when the first batter get a hit, everyone stands up and yells “RUN!! RUN!!” the scotsman, wanting to fit in also get up and Yellls: “Rrrrun like the wind Laddie, Rrrrun like the wind!!!” on the next base hit, he gets up at the same time as every one and yells again: “Rrrrun Like Hell, Laddie, Rrrrun Like Hell”.

        The next batter is a really big hitter so the pitcher decides to pitch around him. After the fourth pitch the batter takes off for first base and the Scotsman stands up and Yells “Rrrrrun like the wind Laddie!!!” but the person next to hime tugs on his arm and says “He doesn’t have to Run, he got four balls” At that the Scotsman stands back up and Yells: “Walk with Prrride Laddie, Walk with Prrrride!!”

        OK so its monday. big deal.

    • #3219470

      The [I]IMPURE[/I] Whale Story

      by techexec2 ·

      In reply to Friday yuk

      A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

      He said to the female whale, “Let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.”

      They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

      The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, “Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.” At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

      “Look,” she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!”

    • #3219464

      divorce jokes

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to Friday yuk

      ~Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. [Robin Williams]

      ~The happiest time of anyone’s life is just after the first divorce. [J.K. Galbraith]

      ~A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

      His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

      “But why?” asks the man.

      “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

      ~A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

      ~”I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

      ~My wife and I were happy for twenty years…then we met. [anonymous]

      ~The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret – [Henny Youngman]

      ~Marriage is grand and divorce is about 10 grand. – Unknown

      ~How are a tornado and a divorce alike?
      In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing. In the end, someone’s gonna lose a house.

      ~Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. –Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. – A conversation between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill

      ~I still miss my ex-wife….but my aim is getting better. – Unknown

      ~Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. – Unknown

      ~Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it. – Unknown

      • #3219453

        Offensive/Sexist, but not Dirty: Read at Own Risk

        by gsquared ·

        In reply to divorce jokes

        The version I’ve heard of the tornado one is:

        Why do hurricanes have female names? Because they’re like women: They arrive wet and wild, but when they leave, you no longer have a house or car.

        (It’s dated, because now they alternate masculine and feminine names for tropic storms, but the joke still works.)

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