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Friday Yuk

By HAL 9000 Moderator ·
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One to make the girls laugh this week.

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him...."Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman remember that **** job I promised you...
Here it comes______!

OK it's the closet to clean that I could lay my hands on But I got a good laugh out of it.

Col ]:)

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Oldie but goodie ....

by gadgetgirl In reply to Friday Yuk

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(You've got to love military time!)

That's all folks! Off for a half day now, to see the 4-year old grandson say one line in his very first big school play, and get a head start on the weekend.

Have a good weekend, all!

]:)

GG

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Talking about oldies

by rob mekel In reply to Oldie but goodie ....

An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

----

Rob

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Getting the picture but not quite

by rob mekel In reply to Friday Yuk

Nice one Col. :) Makes you think twice on the promisses you make. But even more to the promisses you get :^0


----------
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the **** off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the ***** in the kitchen."

----

Have a great weekend all.

Rob

edited for emoticon :^0

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Taxidermist

by DMambo In reply to Friday Yuk

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"

"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender looks at him and says "Well what do you do in Pennsylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"

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belated halloween

by lowlands In reply to Friday Yuk

A cabbie picks up a nun in San Francisco

The nun gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes! I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a& nbsp;hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My
dear child," asks the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Larry and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

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Bad, Bad, Bad

by w2ktechman In reply to belated halloween

But I saw it coming.

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Divine understanding!

by Maevinn In reply to Bad, Bad, Bad

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic --- think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want that bridge with 2 or 4 lanes?"

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Did you hear about Candy, the blond

by Deadly Ernest In reply to Friday Yuk

This striking blond college student was known as Candy, the all day sucker...


because her oral action was so bad, that's how long it took her to get the job done.


That's OK, her blond cousin Mandy, the medical student, failed her oral exam.

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SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup
of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, Congratulations! You get another chance.

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

-------------------------------

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Just for Mae!
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?"
Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

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ummm??

by maecuff In reply to SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

I thought the standard reply WAS "that hurt, you stupid idiot". Have I been doing this wrong?

Seriously, people in the grocery bug me. Why do they stick their carts out and block the isle when they shop? It drives me nuts. I just ram their cart out of the way with mine while saying "excuse me". So far, no one has tried to beat me up.

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