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Friday Yuk -- Because SOMEONE has to!

By GSG ·
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor.. When he bent down under the table to pick
them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Kim wasn't wearing any underwear
under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up
again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?
'Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did...
She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs
of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Kim told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and
Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m.
sharp and after paying Kim the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked
his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Kim answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for
a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when
her husband curtly asked, ' And did he give you $500? '

Kim, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did
give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He
promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and
pay me back. '

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

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by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk -- Because SOM ...

Men Are Just Happier People

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
You only have one mood at a time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one small suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough,
And seasons have nothing to do with the color of your shoes.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your own clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

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by jck In reply to Men

Why women are underappreciated:

They like us smelly animals called "men"

They will cook you a meal, wash your clothes, raise your kids, and clean your house...and never charge you a penny.

Cause when she loves you, no matter how old or wrinkly or gray or bald you get...she still loves you.

She can make you smile, even when work sucks, the dog died, you ran out of gas and walked 5 miles home, or your TV goes out during the Super Bowl.

She never forgets your birthday.

She'll hear you want something, and remember to get it for you as a surprise.

Women go through the 9 months carrying the kids, then the pain of getting them out.

Yeah, women are special. I love them. Well, most of them anyways :^0

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by Jellimonsta In reply to Friday Yuk -- Because SOM ...

A play on a popular theme, but a good one non the less.

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Anger management..

by Jacky Howe In reply to Friday Yuk -- Because SOM ...

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello".

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '***! hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his! car window - so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.


"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beemer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ***," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying ! that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

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Blind leading the Blind

by Jacky Howe In reply to Friday Yuk -- Because SOM ...

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering to each other and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

The plane starts accelerating, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, everyone starts screaming. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and says to the pilot: ?You know, I have thought, if one of these days the passengers aren?t going to scream, we aren?t going to know when to take off!?

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Jet fuel

by Jacky Howe In reply to Friday Yuk -- Because SOM ...

Two mates, John and Mark, were working on aircraft at Sydney airport. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored.

John said, ?Mate I really need a drink!?
?You know I heard a rumor that you could drink jet fuel and get drunk.? Mark said.
?Really?? said John.
?That?s what I heard. Wanna try??
?I?ll try anything once!?

So with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. So they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning John woke up feeling really good, jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air and he hadn?t felt this good for years. ?Wow?, he said.

About that time his phone rang. ?Hello??
?Hello John, it?s Mark. How are you feeling this morning??
?Mate I feel great, no hangover, no sick, I feel like a million bucks. How about you??
?Me too, but I have one question to you.?
?Have you farted yet??
?Umm, no. Why??
?DON?T. I?m in Perth!?

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by Shellbot In reply to Jet fuel

ah, nothing beats a good juvenile laugh on a monday morning..

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by Jacky Howe In reply to Friday Yuk -- Because SOM ...

A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"

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by Jacky Howe In reply to Friday Yuk -- Because SOM ...

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife." Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"
"Chook's missus gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?" Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab"

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25 Reasons why beer is better than women

by Jacky Howe In reply to Friday Yuk -- Because SOM ...

1 - You can enjoy a beer all month long

2 - Beer stains wash out

3 - You don't have to wine and dine a beer

4 - Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football

5 - When your beer goes flat you toss it out and get another one

6 - Beer is never late

7 - A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer

8 - Hangovers go away

9 - Beer labels come off without a fight

10 - When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer

11 - Beer never has a headache

12 - After you're finished with a beer the bottle is still worth five cents

13 - A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer

14 - If you pour a beer right you'll always get good head

16 - A beer always goes down easy

17 - You can always share a beer with friends

18 - You know you're always the first one to pop a beer

19 - Beer is always wet

20 - Beer doesn't demand equality

21 - You can have a beer in public

22 - A beer doesn't care what time you come home

23 - A frigid beer is a good beer

24 - You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good

25 - If you change beers you don't have to pay maintenance

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