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Friday Yuk: Cell Phones and Stupidity

By lindamarie ·
Tags: Off Topic
I thought I would kick off the Friday Yuk with a funny commercial about cell phones and how people embarrass themselves everyday using them.

Linda Marie

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by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk: Cell Phones ...

Cookies for Giuseppe

An old Italian man lay perilously near death, his aquiline,
mahogany tinted features composed in stoic Christian
resignation at his approaching end. His mind was very much on
his impending demise, just as his parish priest had suggested,
when he suddenly smelled his favorite anisette sprinkle

Their aroma wafted up the stairs from the kitchen to his
twitching nostrils, teasing his until then dulled senses.
Was he dreaming? He summoned some last vestige of strength and
laboriously hoisted himself up from the bed and slowly made
his way out of the bedroom. With even greater effort he
gripped the banisters with both hands and barely managed to
crawl downstairs, step by halting step.

His breath came in painful gasps when he finally collapsed
against the door frame and gazed teary eyed into the kitchen.
If it were not for his aching body he would have thought
himself in Heaven! There, spread out upon wax paper on the
table and on all the kitchen surfaces, were HUNDREDS of his
favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

How his heart warmed towards his companion of the last 60
years. Wasn't this, after all, proof of a devoted Italian
wife's love for her husband? Look how she was seeing to it
that he left this world a happy man!! Yes, admittedly, at
times, she had been shrill or brusque but, Madonna Mia, just
contemplate this sign of true affection for her Caro Giuseppe!

Mustering yet more strength from he knew not where, he lunged
at the cookie laden table and landed on his knees, his lips
parted in expectation, waiting to savor that delectable and
characteristic taste of warm anisette flavored dough crumbling
in his mouth. He could almost feel those wondrous morsels on
his tongue! He felt a new surge of Life rise in him. Weariness
fell from him miraculously. He raised his arm. His withered,
blue-veined hand trembled and reached out, hovered longingly,
lingering just a fraction of a second in hesitation above the
nearest cookie on the table............WHAAAM!!

Out of nowhere a spatula, deftly wielded by his devoted
Angelina, came down hard and unerringly on his offending hand,
imprisoning it relentlessly against the table's
surface.....his crippled fingers scrabbled uselessly to retain
the tantalizing cookie.

"But what do you think you are doing?!!?" screeched his loving
wife. "They're for the funeral!"

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more marriage

by Shellbot In reply to marriage

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
very Tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again
and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil,
that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their
conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll
just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each
other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the
back of the tavern and make
their way to the fence. As she leans against the fence, the
old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex
that the policeman has
ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are
making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both
collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something
about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour
of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put
their clothes back on.
The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this
is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as
the couple passes, he says to them,
"Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a
fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years
ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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by Shellbot In reply to marriage

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what Was almost certain to follow.
> >
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily Occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty Pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
> >
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street Corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her ?150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past Outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner
He became even more apprehensive than usual.
> >
Sure enough,There was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as
she Watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get
for a fiver, you tight b@stard?!"

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I was kinda expecting..

by TonytheTiger In reply to cheap

... a "weighty" punchline :)

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I don't know about anyone else, but damn, I'm glad it's Friday...

by maecuff In reply to Friday Yuk: Cell Phones ...

A very unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. After shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she says to the Wal-Mart greeter, "Go through those carts and find me one that doesn't need oiling for once!"
"Yes Ma'am, happy to oblige," says the Greeter, and goes and picks out a cart for her. "Here you are, Ma'am, hope this one is okay," he says.

"If you'd get out of my way, maybe I could find out!" snaps the woman.

"Sorry, Ma'am," the Greeter says, standing aside, "And you and the twins have a nice day."

The woman snarls, "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look alike."

The greeter smiles, "No they don't Ma'am. I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

And here's one in honor of my mother: :)

Person 1: Knock knock.
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Control freak.
Person 1: Now you say "control freak who?"

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I tried the "knock knock" on Sean...

by neilb@uk In reply to I don't know about anyone ...

Neil: Knock knock.
Sean: Who's there?
Neil: Control freak.
Neil: Now you say "Control freak who?"
Sean: Control freak who? Hey! No! I know how to do these. You don't need to tell me. My little sister tells "knock knock" jokes. Why are you all laughing? Why have you put your head in a waste paper bin, Neil? Are you taking the **** out of me? I warned you what would happen if you did that again...

Neil ?

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by maecuff In reply to I tried the "knock knock" ...

The thought of you with your head in a trash can just makes me smile. :)

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Mae, what made ME smile...

by gadgetgirl In reply to ha!

was the thought of you using the shovel on him while it was in there.......



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by maecuff In reply to Mae, what made ME smile.. ...

It would be like a great big bell..

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It was plastic!

by neilb@uk In reply to Yes..

It would have gone "thunk!"


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