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Friday Yuk - do you still do these?

By aidemzo_adanac ·
Tags: Off Topic
A guy's wife is complaining that he is always talking behind her back and pushing her around.

Not about to stand for such verbal abuse, he steps right in and says" So get out of your damn wheelchair then!"

Hoppy Easter, everyone!

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Doesn't look like it, Oz

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk - do you still ...

My 10-year old daughter drops a bomb at Sunday dinner:

"I'm not a virgin any more ..."

I turn to the wife: "That's your fault, you ****! Always flirting with other men, commenting on all the well-built men on telly, swearing like a trooper!"

I turn to my 17-year-old daughter: "And you, you're to blame as well! You shag any bloke with a ****, right in front of your little sister. Don't think I don't know about all the sex toys in the drawer of your bedside table!"

The wife turns to me: "Shut the **** up! You spend half your wages on whores, groping them just before you come in the front door even if our wee daughter is watching. Since we got a DVD player, all you watch is porn! Even when our daughter's in the room! And I won't even mention the ******* PC and internet. Then there's your secretary who calls up and speaks to our daughter right after sucking your **** in the office ..."

The wife turns to our 10-year-old: "How could that happen, darling? Did someone seduce you, some boy at school?"

"No, Mum," she says. "The teacher just changed the cast in our Easter play. I'm not a virgin any more, just someone who cries near Jesus on the cross."

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Stil, what better time than Easter for a few religious jokes

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk - do you still ...

A couple of members of the local Church knocked on my door today to invite me to an Easter prayer meeting. She handed me a leaflet saying "Jesus is Lord" but before she could start talking I cut her off saying, "look, if you can prove to me that God exists then I'll join your Church right now". Then took a step back feeling rather smug.

"Well", she said "you can't see Oxygen but you still believe in that, you prove to me that Oxygen exists!".

So I choked her.

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Hmm, you folks are a tough act to follow, but here goes...

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

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A serious question

by neilb@uk In reply to Friday Yuk - do you still ...

Why did God have to create himself in order to sacrifice himself to himself to change a rule that he created himself and then raise himself from the dead to bring himself back to himself again to prove that he was himself to save humanity from himself?

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At what point

by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to A serious question

did He say that He created Himself?

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Ah, if you're going to apply logic to religion

by neilb@uk In reply to At what point

Who else could have created Himself?

But, of course, if you're going to spoil my joke by insisting that God is eternal and ask me to abandon causaility then I might have to admit that I'm beaten by your argument. Especially as you've asked me when God 'said' something, to be honest, He's never seen fit to confide in me.

Although, should I choose to accept the idea of a creator external to the universe, thereby seeming to accept the existence of the Christian/Islamic/Hebrew God, I might just pause for a moment and question the overwhelming, egotistical arrogance of the implicit acceptance by those religions that this Creator and their God are one and the same and that this Creator might give a single flying fvck about our little planet and its inhabitants!

But that really WOULD spoil the joke.

So, what's God going to do once entropy wins the argument?

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You know

by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to Ah, if you're going to ap ...

I can never resist.

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I guess that for a Christian at this time of year

by neilb@uk In reply to You know

it's only right to take seriously the true, original message in Easter and get your damn seeds planted because Spring is here!

OK, so Easter is a Lunar festival only because it is linked with Passover which IS a pagan Lunar festival (unlike Christmas which definitely was nicked from the pagan Sun festival) so I'm being a bit harsh and I'm sure all of this was the result of the peoples of those times wrestling with how their own new faith relates to their own history and culture and not an attempt by a monolithic religion to subsume and, therefore, suppress the old religions.

But, I DON'T CARE!

Regardless of who is worshipping what, and with what, I've planted my naga chilli seeds and I'm praying that they grow better than last year!

Resist? Moi? Not likely!

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is religion that important?

by Slayer_ In reply to I guess that for a Christ ...

I thought it was just a day off and turkey.
That's all I ask for anyways.

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Turkey??

by aidemzo_adanac In reply to is religion that importan ...

Turkey's not an Easter dinner tradition anywhere I know of. It's Ham, Ham, Ham!

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