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  • #2199773

    Friday Yuk (Fine, I’ll start it…)

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    by slayer_ ·

    What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

    Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    If:
    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

    is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

    Then:

    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

    and

    K-N-O-W-L-E -D-G-E
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    But ,

    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

    And,

    B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

    A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it?s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

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    • #3003076

      That explains the political world nicely. It equals 221% – nt

      by deadly ernest ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk (Fine, I’ll start it…)

    • #3003074

      Those ears

      by tonythetiger ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk (Fine, I’ll start it…)

      Dick, a newly-divorced man, rents an apartment. He goes down to the lobby
      to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of a nearby apartment wearing a flimsy robe. Dick smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they
      talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing on under
      the robe. Poor Dick breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

      After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…” He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off her shoulders. Being completely nude, she purrs at him,

      “What would you say is my best feature?”

      Flustered and embarrassed, Dick stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”

      She’s astounded! “Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full and they’re 100% natural! My buns, they are firm! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”

      Clearing his throat once again, Dick stammers, “Outside when you said you heard
      someone coming … that was me.”

    • #3003638

      The Barber

      by ksoniat ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk (Fine, I’ll start it…)

      A man sticks his head into a barber shop and asks…”How long before I can get a hair cut?”

      Looking around at all the customers, the barber responds, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves and comes back a few days later…

      “How long before I can get a hair cut?” he inquires again.

      Looking around again at the customers, the barber responds, “About 3 hours.” The guy leaves and comes back a few days later again asking the same question.

      The barber, after looking at the customers says, “About 1.5 hours.” and the guy leaves again. This time, the barber asks his friend Bill to follow the guy and find out where he’s going because he never comes back to get a hair cut.

      Bill comes back about 30 minutes later laughing so hard he has tears in his eyes. The barber asks where he went and what’s so funny… to which Bill replies…”He went to YOUR house!”

    • #3003597

      Chinese Jews …

      by older mycroft ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk (Fine, I’ll start it…)

      Sid and Al, both Jews, were having dinner in a Chinese restaurant.

      During their conversation, Sid asked Al, “Are there any Jews in China ?” “I don’t know,” replied Al. “Why don’t we ask our Chinese waiter?”

      When the waiter came by, Al asked him, ‘Are there Chinese Jews?’ The waiter said, “I don’t know sir, let me ask,” and went into the kitchen.

      He returned a few minutes later and said, “No sir. No, Chinese Jews.” “Are you sure?” Al asked. “I check again, sir,” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

      While he was gone, Sid said to Al, “I can’t believe there are no Jews in China . Our people are scattered everywhere.” At this point, the waiter returned.

      “Sir, no Chinese Jews,” he said.

      “Are you really sure, man?” Al asked again. “I can’t believe there are no Chinese Jews.”

      Exasperated, the waiter frantically said, “Sir, I already ask everyone in restaurant! – “We have Apple Jews, Orange Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews. But no one hear of Chinese Jews!”

    • #3003525

      One day Fred came home early from work as they shut due to a power

      by deadly ernest ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk (Fine, I’ll start it…)

      failure and not being able to work.

      He notices Tom’s, his best friend, car parked outside the house and enters expecting to have a good chat with an old mate. Fred walks in and can’t find his mate. He searches the house and finally finds his mate in bed having wild sex with his wife. He’s shocked speechless for a moment.

      Eventually Fred gets his breath back and says, “Tom, you bastard. All these years I thought you had taste. I have too screw her, but you CHOOSE to.”

    • #3003434

      Happy Little Rabbit

      by boxfiddler ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk (Fine, I’ll start it…)

      A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

      Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

      The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

      As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!”

      The lion answers, “That little fooker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!”

      • #3003838

        Screen Wipes please

        by gsg ·

        In reply to Happy Little Rabbit

        OK, Boxy, I found this one to be the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while. I forwarded it on to several people and the general reaction is that they had to pull out the screen wipes.

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