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Friday Yuk for 12 JUN 2009

By C F USA ·
Tags: Off Topic
As the family computer guy, I get calls all the time about how to fix this that and the other, well just wanted to share some of the "problems" I get, I am sure you can relate to...

FM(Family Member) Hey I cant find my "little e" on the computer anymore.
ME: Its beside the W, make sure the caps lock is off
FM: No, the little e on the computer, its gone.
ME: ok, what are you trying to do?
FM: Get on the Internet, I cant find my little e

Needless to say, I am not sure which is trying to locate the E on the keyboard, or not realizing she lost the IE Icon
Second issue:

FM: I can't get online
ME: What cant you do? see a page load, dial in? be a little more specific so I can see if I can help.
FM: Well a storm came through and the power is off, I wanted to see when they would have someone out to turn the lights on
ME: (click) Yes, I hung up
*Bonus, not from family, but customer when I worked for cable company*

Customer: I know the cables out, but will my DVR still record the soap opera today?
ME: Ma'am, if the cable is out, unfortunately it will not, sorry, is there anything else I can do for you?
Customer: Well what good is a DVR if it doesnt record a program, you are supposed to record it and let me watch it, what am I paying for (click) she hung up on me

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by The 'G-Man.' In reply to Friday Yuk for 12 JUN 200 ...
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Holy cow, a new member from Cola-town.

by CharlieSpencer In reply to Friday Yuk for 12 JUN 200 ...

Since you're new here, you may not know about the 'Friday Yuk'. Usually some member will post a joke on Friday, and title the post 'Friday Yuk for dd/mm/yy'. Others will usually add to it. You may want to edit your post and change the title; I don't think anyone else has started a Yuk today.

Welcome aboard.

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Change your title.....

by ---TK--- In reply to Holy cow, a new member fr ...

LOL, I got a good one I have been waiting to post... :)

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Been lurking...

by C F USA In reply to Holy cow, a new member fr ...

about and decided to throw out a post for a attempt of humor. Changed the title and thanks for the welcome

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Add a Friday Yuk tag...

by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to Been lurking...

A lot of people hunt for threads by tag.

What would we do without them?

Not enough coffee yet...

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Might I recommend

by CharlieSpencer In reply to Been lurking...

The (authored by committee) 'New user's guide'

and the FAQ

When you get a chance, fill out your profile (My Workspace, Profile tab, Edit Profile). That let's the rest of us know what areas of ignorance; uh; expertise you excel in.

Welcome aboard.

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Uninstalling Wifey 1.0

by ---TK--- In reply to Friday Yuk for 12 JUN 200 ...

Dear Systems Analyst,

I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began Unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches itself during Systems initialization, where it monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as "Boys'Night Out 2.5 " and "Clubbing 5.3" no longer run, and crash the system whenever selected.

Attempting to operate selected "Sunday Football 6.3" always fails and "Sunday Shopping 7.1" runs instead.

I cannot seem to keep "Wife 1.0" in the background while attempting to run any of my favorite applications.

I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", but un-installing doesn't work on this program.

Can you please help?


Dear Customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.

Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM DESIGNED BY IT'S CREATOR TO RUN EVERY PROGRAM WITHIN IT'S DOMAIN.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still Convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once it is installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).
Having "Wife 1.0" installed myself, I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, You must run the:

C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE\ME program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key.

It may be necessary to run C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE\ME a number of times, and
eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance program, can be very rewarding.

To get the most out of it, consider buying additional software such as:
"Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\KISSESS 600.0" or "SEX 500.0" or "TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "C:\EATINGOUT\WITHOUT.THE.KIDS 7.2" (if child processing has already started).

DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1 Short Skirt Version" (any version), as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Your Systems Analyst

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Break My Window

But usually not for a firehose. That's a great one!

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by KSoniat In reply to Friday Yuk for 12 JUN 200 ...

Chicago, IL ? COMMON user group president Randy Dufault has expressed concern at the increasingly low quality of people joining COMMON. He has decided to implement a new entrance exam required for all new applicants for membership into the group in hopes to weed out the undesirable. The exam questions are as follows:

1. What is twice the half of 1 3/7?
2. How many cubic feet of earth are there in a hole measuring 3?wide by 4? long by 5? deep?
3. Do you know how long cows should be milked?
4. Where was Queen Cleopatra?s temple?
5. In what month do Americans eat the least?
6. How many marbles can you put in an empty bag?
7. The produce manager at the local supermarket stands 6? tall, has a 46? chest and wears size 13 shoes. What do you think he weighs?
8. If a duck came paddling down the Nile, where would it have come from?
9. How long will a seven-day grandfather clock run without winding?

1. 1 3/7
2. There is no earth in a hole.
3. The same way that short cows are milked.
4. On the side of her forehead.
5. February; it has fewer days
6. One; after that it is not empty.
7. Apples, pears, potatoes, bananas, etc.
8. An egg.
9. Without winding it will run for no time at all.

Mildly humorous - unfortunately I got them all.

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