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  • #2146384

    Friday Yuk (for Germans everywhere)

    Locked

    by older mycroft ·

    A German guy approaches a lady of the night. ‘I vish to buy sex viz
    you.’
    ‘OK,’ says the girl, ‘I’ll charge 20 an hour.’
    ‘..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.’
    ‘No problem,’ she replies cautiously, ‘I can do little kinky.’

    So off they go to the girl’s place, where the German produces four large
    bed springs and a duck caller.

    ‘I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.’
    The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he
    had said, to her hands and knees

    ‘Now you vill get on your hans und knees.’
    She does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
    ‘You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.’
    She finds it odd, but figures it’s harmless (and the guy is paying.)

    She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room
    by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
    The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it
    is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

    ‘That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?’

    ‘Ah,’ says the German . . .’zat is ze….

    four-sprung Duck technique

All Comments

  • Author
    Replies
    • #2461350

      Eh…

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk (for Germans everywhere)

      I don’t get it 🙁

      • #2461346

        Vorsprung Durch Techniik – Audi slogan …

        by older mycroft ·

        In reply to Eh…

        It translates to:

        Advancement through Technical Excellence + V G SEX! :^0

        http://www.audi.co.uk/audi/uk/en2.html

      • #2461264

        Thanks Shell

        by jiminpa ·

        In reply to Eh…

        I thought I was the only one. 🙂

        • #2459760

          You certainly not the only one

          by sjmcd435 ·

          In reply to Thanks Shell

          Jimmy-jam, you are certainly not the only one. I didn’t get it either as the ad hasn’t reached “Down Under” yet.

      • #2461259

        *pwhhaaww*

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Eh…

        nope..still don’t get it 🙂

        I’ll conceed that one will have to be german to understand it…

        a mate was goin gout with german girl for a few years..she would tell jokes and be holding her sides from laughing..half of them i didn’t get..the other half just were not funny!

    • #2461344

      For a change: Stupid Tech Support Solutions

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk (for Germans everywhere)

      Rather than laughing at the users, lets laugh at the techs for a change!!

      ****

      Back when high-speed internet was first getting started, my parents wanted to hop on the bandwagon right away and called a technician to come set them up. At the time I was in junior high school and couldn’t be there when the tech showed up.

      It is important to note that although we were quick in getting high-speed Internet, we didn’t have a particularly state-of-the-art machine. It didn’t have a cdrom drive, for example, but I assumed the tech would be installing the software from a floppy.

      Imagine my horror when I came home and found my mother trying to dig the CD out of our ancient 5 1/4″ drive with a key, while the “tech” stood behind her, scratching his head and saying, “I’ve seriously never seen one of those before. Are you SURE it’s not a cdrom drive?”

      *****

      Customer: “Hi, I can’t seem to connect you guys are you having a problem?”
      Tech Support: “Well sir, what dialup software are you using?”
      Customer: “The one you provided.”
      Tech Support: “And what version is it?”
      Customer: (says the version number)
      Tech Support: “Oh, that’s the problem you need the latest version.”
      Customer: “Ok, how do I get it?”
      Tech Support: “Well, just transfer the file via http://FTP.”
      Customer: “Well that would be nice, but I can’t connect to the Internet.”
      Tech Support: (sounding exasperated) “I told you just to FTP the file sir.”

      ****

      Me: “I can’t seem to get this download to complete. What might be causing it?”
      Tech Support: “What operating system are you running?”
      Me: “Windows NT.”
      Tech Support: “Well, you have to be running Windows 98 or better in order to download it.”
      Me: “Ummm, I am. I’m running Windows NT4, SP5.”
      Tech Support: “Are you on a PC or a MAC?”

      *****
      A friend of mine told me that when he was in junior high school (mid-to-late nineties), they got a computer in the classroom free for the students to use during breaks. The first thing many of them would do to was to change the dull Windows 95 desktop. The school’s IT Manager for some reason thought of this as vandalism, so he frequently fixed it in the only way he knew how — by reinstalling Windows.

      I was almost on the floor laughing when my friend told me about how the IT Manager had come into their classroom one day and told the students, “Will you STOP changing the desktop background? I’ve had to reinstall Windows every day for the last two weeks now!”

      • #2461342

        more…

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to For a change: Stupid Tech Support Solutions

        I called up tech support because Internet Explorer insisted on opening everything I was trying to download with Quicktime.

        Customer: “Internet Explorer insists on opening everything I try to download with Quicktime.”
        Tech Support: “Ok.”
        Customer: “So whenever I click on anything that I want to download it tries to open it with Quicktime.”
        Tech Support: “Are you sure that its not a Quicktime file?”
        Customer: “No it’s an exe file.”
        Tech Support: “So it’s not a Quicktime file?”
        Customer: “No, and I can’t right click either, to do a Save Target As.”
        Tech Support: “Oh, but you’re sure it’s not a Quicktime file, right?”
        Customer: “Yes, it is an executable file, DOT E X E, not DOT M O V.”
        Tech Support: “Is it a .exe that can be opened in Quicktime?”

        *****

        I use a cable modem ISP, one of North America’s largest ISPs. During one of their interminable outages, I called to demand what the problem was.

        Tech Support: “Is your computer on? Is the modem plugged in?”
        Me: “Yes, it’s on and working fine. The modem’s plugged in, but it isn’t getting anything from your end.”
        Tech Support: “Ok, can you click on the ‘Start’ button and type ‘WINIPCFG’–”
        Me: “Yes, I know. My IP is listed as 169.XXX.XXX.XXX.”
        This IP was the one Windows 98 usually gives when it’s supposed to have one assigned to it but doesn’t get one.

        Tech Support: “Well, sir, that’s the problem.”
        Me: “Yes, I know. I’m getting no IP. I’m not in the network.”
        Tech Support: “No, sir, the problem is that you’re using a Mac.”
        Er….

        Me: “I’m sorry?”
        Tech Support: “Sir, your IP is a Mac IP. You’re not using a PC.”
        Me: “Uhhh, I am using a PC. It’s a Dell with an Intel PII-450 CPU. I’m running Windows 98.”
        Tech Support: “No, sir. Your IP indicates that your computer is a Mac. IPs that start with those numbers are used by Macs.”
        Me: “You know, I don’t think it works that way. I’m pretty certain IPs are assigned based on where the computer is in a domain and a subdomain and such. I know all your IPs assigned in this area start with XXX. And I’m quite certain my computer is a PC.”
        Tech Support: “I don’t think we use ‘domain’ here.”
        Me: “Can I speak to a supervisor, please?”

        *****

        After owning my computer for a little over two months I noticed the system was sluggish.

        Me: “My system’s really slow on bootup.”
        Tech Support: “Have you been on the net for a long time?”
        Me: “Well, yeah, about a month or two.”
        Tech Support: “Try deleting the cache. Oh, and do you have a virus scanner?”
        Me: “Yes, it was the first thing I put on the hard drive.”
        Tech Support: “Oh, get rid of it. That’s the problem. Those virus scanners screw things up on your disk. Get rid of it.”
        Me: “Isn’t that risky?”
        Tech Support: “And you’ll have to format your hard drive with Quick Reinstall. That’s really all I know.”
        Me: “Um…sure. Sure I will.”
        A friend cleaned up my system path, and the boot lag cleared right up. And guess what? I didn’t have to format my hard drive after all

        *****
        Me: “I was thinking of installing Linux, but I was wondering if you knew if the modem works under Linux.”
        Tech Support: “Oh, I’m sorry, we only support Windows.”
        Me: “I know. I was just wondering if you knew if it was possible.”
        Tech Support: “But we only support Windows.”
        Me: “I know, but just to save me some time, have you heard of anyone that got Linux to work with the modem?”
        Tech Support: (getting annoyed) “Why can’t you just use Netscape?”
        Me: “Uh, wha? It’s not a browser, it’s a–never mind. Thanks for your help.”

        • #2461307

          My real life dumb tech incident

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to more…

          We had just gotten the internet at our company, so the bank sent their “tech” over to make sure the accountants pc could “handle” connecting to their network.

          This is almost 10 years ago, and he had a PII450 that was screaming fast (for the day), so I knew their wouldn’t be any problems.

          The tech asks me what kind of servers and network we run. I told him we used Unix and TCP/IP.

          I quote “Unix? never [b]heard[/b] of it.” :0

      • #2461339

        even more…….

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to For a change: Stupid Tech Support Solutions

        Customer: “When my computer boots up, all I get is a black screen that says, ‘boot2/’.”
        Tech Support: “What operating system are you using?”
        Customer: “I’m using Windows 98 and NT 4.0.”
        Tech Support: “Ok, I’m the Mac tech. The Windows tech is gone, but I can try to help you.”
        Customer: “Ok, what should I do? I’ve reformatted the hard drive and have fresh installs of both operating systems.”
        Tech Support: “Sir, have you put any cheese or mustard in your a drive?”
        Customer: “What? Did you just ask me if I put cheese or mustard in my floppy drive?”
        Tech Support: “Yeah, we’ve had that happen a lot lately.”
        Customer: (staring blankly at roommate, who was laughing uncontrollably on the floor) “I think I’ll wait for the PC tech to get back. Thanks for the help.” (click)

        *****

        Me: “Yes, I’m having trouble with the connect suite for dial-up.”
        Tech Support: “What seems to be the problem?”
        Me: “I get random disconnects, I can’t always get the dialer to work, and web pages often give strange time-out errors. I set everything up according to the documentation.”
        I thought, at this juncture, I’d get the usual “let’s go through the setup just to be sure” routine. I was wrong.

        Tech Support: “Yes, well, that program doesn’t work on everyone’s computer.”
        Me: “I know that. It doesn’t work on mine, for instance.”
        Tech Support: “Well, we don’t know why it doesn’t always work. You should consider getting a new computer.”

        *******
        Me: “Hi, I have a problem with my left speaker, no sound is coming out of it.”
        Tech Support: “Have you adjusted the balance in the volume properties?”
        Me: “Yes, it’s definitely not that, and it’s not a sound card or connection problem either. Could you just send me some new speakers? It’s still under warranty.”
        Tech Support: “Errrm, ok, I want you to go to DOS and type ‘format c:’ and then restore your hard disk from the master CD.”
        Me: (click)

        ***********

        I was working as a student placement at a rather large company last year. One of our backup tape drives was acting up, and nothing I could do fixed it. So I phoned support. The first thing the guy asked, after half an hour of detail-taking, was:

        Tech Support: “Do you use clean tapes in the drive every time?”
        Customer: “No.”
        Tech Support: “Well, that’ll be your problem. Use a new tape every time, and that’ll fix it.”
        I was rather skeptical about this but decided to try it anyway. Of course, it didn’t work. So I rang support again and got a different guy.

        Tech Support: “Do you use clean tapes in the drive every time?”
        Customer: “Yes!” (enthusiastically)
        Tech Support: “Oh, well, that’ll be your problem then. Every new tape that’s used clogs up the drive.”

      • #2461328

        yes..still more….

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to For a change: Stupid Tech Support Solutions

        I had just bought a new laser printer in the US when I received a very good job offer for the summer in Europe. So I called the printer manufacturer’s help desk to find out if I could use the printer in Europe with 220 volts, or if they had a low cost transformer.

        Me: “Hello, I have just bought your new (printer model), and I was wondering if I can use it in Europe with 220 volts?”
        Tech Support: “Hmmm…let me see…. Here, ok, it says that the printer works with 120 volts, so 220 volts should be enough.”
        Me: “What?! If it is made only for 120 volts, and I hook it up to 220 volts, it’s going to fry.”
        Tech Support: “Hmmm. You may need a surge protector.”

        *****

        I recently signed up for a 640kbps ADSL line with a borrowed router. We have four computers in our household, with a perfectly working LAN. But after trying to set up the ADSL settings, there was still no connection to the Internet. I thought it was an ISP problem, so I phoned to the tech support. I explained the problem, and…

        Me: “…If I ping any computer everything works fin–”
        Tech Support: “You what?”
        Me: “If I ping any comp–”
        Tech Support: “No, I didn’t get what you did. Ping, right?”
        Me: “Yes, ping. You know, when you write ‘ping’ and an IP address to see if the network is working.”
        Tech Support: “Write where?”
        Me: “At a command prompt.”
        Tech Support: “It is better for you to upgrade to Windows XP. DOS is outdated.”
        Me: “I run Windows 2000. Go to Start, Programs, Accessories, and you’ll see a Command Prompt icon. That’s where I type ‘ping’.”
        Tech Support: “Oooooooooooh, I see, I see. Now I remember. Maybe the LAN isn’t working.”
        Me: “No, I told you, the LAN was set up well before the ADSL contract and is perfectly fine.”
        Tech Support: “Mhm. Go to Start, Programs, Accessories, and you’ll see a Command Prompt icon. You’ll get a black window. Write p-i-n-g-space-[an IP address].”
        Me: “…”
        Tech Support: “Sir?”
        Me: “Done. All packets lost.”
        Tech Support: “You have a LAN, don’t you? Try to ping your PCs and the router. To do so, go to Start, Progr–”
        Me: “I know.”
        And so on, for almost an hour. The problem never got solved. Later I swapped out the router, and it worked. So I called back to see if I could have a replacement router.

        Tech Support: “So, you tried to exchange the router with a new one and it worked?”
        Me: “Yes, it could be defective.”
        Tech Support: “Yes, it could. Which brand of router did you have?”
        Me: “A Cisco one.”
        Tech Support: “Ah. Does Cisco make routers?”
        I hung up, and later I cancelled.

        ****

        This is an actual conversation I overheard in the cube next to me. I only heard one side of it. He had called the helpdesk to resolve a network problem.

        “Hello, my name is [name]. My computer no longer communicates on the network. . . . Yes, the network connection is plugged in. . . . Yes, both ends. . . . Ok, I’ve rebooted the computer. Still nothing. . . . I don’t have a ‘Start’ button. I’m running Windows NT 3.51. . . . Windows NT. . . . NT. . . . Ennnn Teeee. . . . I don’t think that will work. . . . Well, ok. I’m pulling down file [long list of instructions]. . . . I don’t have that menu choice. . . . Ok, we’ll try it again. I pull down file [long list of instructions]. That menu choice doesn’t exist. . . . Yes, thank you, I do know how to spell. . . . No, there is no menu choice by that name. . . . I’m sorry, it isn’t there. . . . No, I do not have a ‘Start’ button. . . . No, I am not running Windows 3.11. I am running Windows NT 3.51. . . . Uhhh, no, I don’t think they are the same thing. . . . Look, you can keep saying that the choice has to be there, but in fact it is not. I’m running Windows Ennn Teee. It’s different from Windows 3.1. . . . No, the choice third from the bottom is [name of option]. . . . I AM NOT LYING TO YOU. . . . Hello? . . . Hello?”

        My co-worker redials.

        “Hello help desk? My name is [name]. I called a few minutes ago with a network problem. I’d like the name of the tech assigned to my case. . . . Thank you. Now, could you assign a different person to the case please? . . . Because she’s a moron. . . . Yes, I did say moron. . . . Thank you.”

        • #2462894

          My Own Experiences with the helpdesk :^0

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to yes..still more….

          Ok, we had a network printer outage a few years ago.
          Me: All of the printers on the site are down. We need a ticket to the print server team ASAP.

          Tech: Do you have a printer name

          Me: All of them

          Tech: Please let me know a printer name to determine the problem

          Me; xxxxxx, however it is ALL of the printers, not any single one. I am a support agent, and the problem is not local, it is on the server. The spooler needs to be restarted.

          Tech: I can ping the printer

          Me: The problem is on the server, not the printers. This is an urgent issue, please just create a ticket for (persons name/alternate persons name/& business group name) so that they can fix the problem.

          Tech: Ok sir, however I need to determine if the problem is local or network before I can send a ticket out.

          Me: Print to any printer on this floor!!

          Tech I cannot seem to print to this printer. Can you power cycle the printer?

          Me: Are You Kidding Me — power cycle ALL of the printers on the floor? I already power cycled this particular one 2x, and also reset to factory settings. This is NOT a local Printer Issue

          Tech: Please sir, just power cycle the printer.

          Me: Ok, (power cycle while also sending emails to the print server team).

          Me: Ok, it came back up. Now what?

          Tech: I cannot print to this printer, can you factory reset this printer.

          Me: Ok, (factory reset). Svr team responds to my email and tells me that after a minute of investigation, all printers in the Bay Area were down, not just our site/floor.

          Tech: Ok, sir, can you plug in the LAN line for the printer. It must have been unplugged.

          Me: Really, how are you pinging the printer? Just send a damned ticket to the Print Server Team… I already emailed them and THEY CONFIRMED the problem and are working on it, however they need a ticket.

          Tech: Ok sir, calm down. Can you plug the LAN line into the printer please.

          Me: Where is your supervisor

          Tech: Why are you getting hostile? I am only trying to help.

          Print Svr team: problem resolved, thanks for informing us. The problem was a line was cut while doing repairs on site xxxx. All traffic leaving the site was cut. We have it working temporarily and have talked to the repair persons.

          I spent another 3 minutes on the phone trying to create the ticket for the already fixed problem. My manager was busting up. She sat behind me and heard my whole side of the conversation, and after a while I just put it on speaker…

      • #2461303

        Last one sounds like my first computer “teacher”

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to For a change: Stupid Tech Support Solutions

        The computer “lab” consisted of three TRS-80’s, three commadores, and 8 apples. The teachers knowledge was clearly from being about two pages ahead of the rest of the class.

        fast forward one decade later when I bought my new home. Guess who is my next door neighbor? Bingo! Guess whos computer I had to go and fix? Bingo!

        B-)

      • #2461227

        These Sound Familiar. Funny, But Familiar

        by hoagiebp ·

        In reply to For a change: Stupid Tech Support Solutions

        Plagiarizing the “Computer Stupidities” pages are we?
        I visit the Rink Works site every so often. Always good for a laugh.

    • #2461343

      More Kinky Sex …

      by bizzo ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk (for Germans everywhere)

      A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.

      “You too?” says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?” “My husband thinks I am too perverted.” was her reply. “What a coincidence – MY wife thinks I am too perverted!” he says to her. “She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex…” “Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don’t we explore this kinkyness together?”

      He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another’s house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come… “Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!” she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, and then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened.

      “Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkyness here!?” she complained. “We did!” he says, “I just crapped in your handbag!”

      • #2461208

        Kinky vs Perverted

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to More Kinky Sex …

        What’s the difference between Kinky and perverted?

        Kinky is using a feather… perverted is using the whole duck.

    • #2461336
    • #2461326

      English? Do You Speak It?

      by mojodelirium ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk (for Germans everywhere)

      Here’s a commercial which illustrates the benefits of learning English…

      This one’s been around the circuit a few times. If you’ve seen it, my bad. If not, enjoy.

    • #2461310

      Frank and beans

      by mojodelirium ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk (for Germans everywhere)

      One day in a nursing home, old Mr. Smith goes up to a candy striper and says, ?My willy has died.?

      Deciding to humor him, the girl says ?Oh, poor baby. I?m sorry to hear that.?

      Two days later the girl is making her rounds and sees Mr. Smith wandering the halls with his frank and beans hanging out.

      ?Mr. Smith!? she cries. ?I thought you said your willy had died!?

      ?It did. Today?s the viewing.?

      • #2461275

        haha

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Frank and beans

        I’ve never heard the reference Frank & Beans before!!

        🙂

        • #2461268

          “Something about Mary”?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to haha

          you never saw that show? :0

          [i]

          “We’ve got a bleeder!”

        • #2461261

          Yikes

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to “Something about Mary”?

          Of course I have..holy cr@p…
          its just been a long time and I don’t remember the phrase..

          Guess what I’m getting at the video shop this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • #2461220

          the first thing to go…..

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Yikes

          :p

    • #2461263

      Engineers Guide to Cats…

      by boxfiddler ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk (for Germans everywhere)

    • #2461204

      Eew!

      by nicknielsen ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk (for Germans everywhere)

      Puns are bad enough in one language.

      • #2461194

        … the lowest form of wit.

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to Eew!

        I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

        Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

        I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

        There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.

        He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

        Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

        A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

        A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

        Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

        Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

        • #2461166

          and some more…

          by locrian_lyric ·

          In reply to … the lowest form of wit.

          I stayed up all night trying to remember what the sun looked like, finally it dawned on me.

          How did a minor league player like Bobby Lasorta make it to the majors? He managed.

          They could tell Moses was sick by the size of the tablets.

          My horse is sick, she has a little colt.

          Does a little donkey sleep in an ascot?

          Haloween always seems to raise my spirits.

          I quit the cookie business because business was crummy.

          I worked for an elevator company for a while, but the business was all ups and downs.

          In the 80’s I watched alot of LA Law, but got tired of the same old thing, Dey in and Dey out.

          My ex said she would dance on my grave, HA! I’m being buried at sea.

          My ex could inspire men to reach the stars, though I doubt that would be far enough away for them…

          One time, I didn’t say a word to my ex for three days…i didn’t want to interrupt her.

        • #2461162

          If these were meant to entertain

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to … the lowest form of wit.

          no pun in ten did.

        • #2461157

          you posted that just for the Halibut!

          by locrian_lyric ·

          In reply to If these were meant to entertain

          The fact that it got a chuckle was just a fluke.

          Though I think my humor is floundering

      • #2461152

        Best selling book.

        by rfink ·

        In reply to Eew!

        The book “Direct from the French. 69 mating positions” was just released and the line went from the cash register, out the door and 100 feet down the street.

        One cashier says to the other, “I’ve never seen a book about chess sell so well.”

      • #2462882

        Real life pun…

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to Eew!

    • #2461139

      Cue this video to 4 minutes 50 seconds …

      by older mycroft ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk (for Germans everywhere)

    • #2462370

      Is Cookie Monster Really A Monster

      by mojodelirium ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk (for Germans everywhere)

      Sorry, we didn’t get this one up yesterday, but it’s a humorous story posted at McSweeneys

      http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/5/5bryan.html

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