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Friday Yuk -- Hey, I get to start one!

By boxfiddler Moderator ·
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."


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Well if this helps Davette.

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk -- Hey, I get ...

With the Speed of a Startled Statistician.............

A recent Survey in the United Kingdom has totally altered every belief that I have ever held on motorbicyles and speed. For many years, more that I care to remember, I have believed that speed was the biggest killer on the roads - despite some sharp wits saying that?s it?s only the sudden stop that kills not the speed itself.

The highly respected survey which changed my mind showed graphically that most accidents occur between 40 - 60 KPH. Something like 75% of all road accidents involving injury and fatalities occur when vehicles are traveling at the most common speeds used by most road travelers.

At the other end of the graph were two amazingly safe areas. Speeds below 15 km\h and speeds in excess of 185 km\h both show an amazingly small number of accidents. Less than 5% of accidents occurred at this speed with accidents over 185 km\h responsible for less than 1% of the total.

The lesson we can learn from these amazing figures is simple. It is extremely dangerous to ride around at speeds between 40 & 60 km\h. If you do, there is a 75% chance you?ll have an accident. Most of you who?ve been involved in traffic accidents will agree that they happened between these highly dangerous speeds.

As a person with considerable respect in the rarified air of government, I have been discussing these figures with our federal friends. The Transport Minister, the Rt Honourable Shyttin de Carbi, agreed that accidents figures in Australia showed the same tendency towards injury and fatalities in the 40-60 km\h range. The Minister for Health and Welfare Services, the Rt Honourable Justin Agony told me that Motorbicycle injuries suffered between these speeds were by far the greatest number. More people had been carried off to hospital after an accident at 60-65 km\h than any other speed. My very good friend Sir Mark Time Minister for Certain Things, also told me that the majority of speeding offences committed occurred between 60-80 km\h, whereas the number of tickets issued for offences under 15 km\h and above 185 km\h were negligible.

As soon as this information had time to sink in. I started lobbying on behalf of motorcycle riders throughout this wonderful country. As I saw it, the answer was staring me in the face and as a person with sway in the halls of power I have put duty before bigotry and, without thought of personal gain, started lobbying for a change in the speed laws in Australia.

Don?t be surprised if, in the next few months, you hear of a really brilliant plan, announced by a fledging under-secretary to Sir Mark Time, that will cut motorcycle rider?s road death tool by 75%. You?ll have read about it here, and I?m the man responsible. As I said, the answer was staring me in the face and it is so simple.

If the majority of accidents occur between 40 - 60 km\h, make these speeds illegal. If the safest speeds are for travelling are below 15 km\h and above 185 km\h, make these speeds mandatory. My plan is to reduce city speeds to 15 km\h or below and all areas which were posted at 80 km\h or more, should be restricted to a minimum of 185 km\h.

However brilliantly simple this plan may be, I have one serious misgiving. This was explained to me by the Statistician for the Ministry of Kerosene Fridges and Roads, Miss Lydia Casserole (a young new Australian.) She explained that at 15 km\h a motorcycle would take 4.8 seconds to cross a 20 meter intersection while at 185 km\h this reduces to a mere 0.4 seconds. As we all know, the most dangerous part of any road is an intersection - it is the place where most accidents happen - so the amount of time spent in an intersection is dangerous. The rider of a 15 km\h motorcycle would be exposing himself to danger for 4.4 seconds longer than a rider at 185 km\h. For this reason, there may be some real advantages in making the 185 km\h speed limit applicable everywhere. In the example quoted above, the slow rider is 12 times more likely to have an accident than the faster rider.

Should these laws come into force we will have other excellent benefits. Apart from riding at the safest speed of all possible speeds, some improved design features will have to be incorporated into motorbicyles. Brakes will have to improve and the performance factor of almost every machine will need to be better if the machine is to remain legal. It would no longer be to equip police with large and expensive (for the Tax Payer) pursuit vehicles because people would be booked for traveling to slowly, not too fast. Bicycles would be satisfactory for highway patrols. Skills needn?t be as great (it costs the tax payer a fortune to train a policeman) and men of lower intellect and physical stature could be employed to catch slow (dangerous) vehicles.

Finally the greatest saving would be in vehicle insurance and medical services. I?m not a fool, I do understand that the few accidents which will occur at above 185 km\h will be pretty horrifying. However, because the motorcycles will be written off, the high cost of repairs can be eliminated. Also expensive ambulances, with Life Support systems and drugs aboard will be hardly necessary (saving the tax payer even more money.)

Before you take pen to paper and write to thank me for interceding on your behalf in the corridors of power, please don?t. What I have done to improve your lot was done because I just want to help. The new laws will save money and lives.

This you can believe.

B. St-F. Whitworth-Socket

OK it's old very old, first printed by Two Wheels AU in their January 1979 Edition but I liked it a lot. :^0

Col 0:-)

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I like

by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to Well if this helps Davett ...

the plays on official names.

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Yes -- liked very much so

by The Scummy One In reply to Well if this helps Davett ...

however, it is not on the special voters ballot this time round

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Well what stopped

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Yes -- liked very much so

You writing it in then Scummy?

You should know if you want something badly enough you should be asking for it.

Personally I'm making submissions to the Government and forming an organization dedicated to reducing the Road Tool by instigating this simple method.

Should be much easier than getting official recognition for my new sport of Stalk and Kill a Politician a Day. :^0

Col 0:-)

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Road Tool?? Is that like a road plant where you

by Deadly Ernest In reply to Well what stopped

stick a few in the ground and wait for them to grow and join up.

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NA you rip them out of the ground before they start growing

by OH Smeg In reply to Road Tool?? Is that like ...

To reduce their number. :^0

We have too many road tools now so every chance to reduce their number by burying them along with dead politician's that you have killed today is a Must Do thing.

Col 0:-)

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by ---TK--- In reply to Funny sign...

thats no fun... my proxy is blocking the site.

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The College English Assignment

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk -- Hey, I get ...

Here?s a prime example of ?Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix. The professor told his class, ?Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.? The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn?t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. ?A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,? he said into his transgalactic communicator. ?Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far?? But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship?s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.


He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. ?Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,? Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. ?Why must one lose one?s innocence to become a woman?? she wondered wistfully.


Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu?udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who?d pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu?udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.


This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.


Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. ?Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I?m such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!?








Go drink some tea - wh0re.


A+ - I really liked this one.

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WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE .......A point of view.

by Shellbot In reply to The College English Assig ...

Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender
roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict. She
noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still
;walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the
overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even
further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why
do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately
to change? The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation said, "LAND MINES".

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak and
where you go):


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