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Friday Yuk, if there's already been one started, sorry

By Shellbot ·
but i can't find one..so here we go..

these are naughty..but funny non the less..god knows if its true or not..but who cares


The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the "Style Invitational." The requirements were to use the two words Lewinsky (The Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in the same
limerick. Here are the winners printed in the
newspaper.

(Third place)

There once was a girl named Lewinsky,
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky.
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

(Second place)

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress;
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky."

...and the winning entry:

(First place)

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown


Have a fab weekend everyone :)

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What it Operating Systems were Airlines?

by Tig2 In reply to Friday Yuk, if there's al ...

DOS Airlines
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again jump on again, and so on.

OS/2 Airlines
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
Once they finally finished you're offered a flight at reduced cost. To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill our a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on the plane and the plane succeeds in taking off the ground, you have a wonderful trip...except for the time when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you will just have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Unix Airlines
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

Wings of OS/400
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your accounting department can call it overhead.

Mach Airlines
There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform them that they have arrived.

Newton Airlines
After buying your ticket 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the plane. Upon boarding the plane you are asked your name. After 6 times, the crew member recognizes your name and then you are allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to take your seat, the steward announces that you have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers.

VMS Airlines
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.

BeOS Air
You have to pay for the tickets, but they're half the price of Windows Air, and if you are an aircraft mechanic you can probably ride for free. It only takes 15 minutes to get to the airport and you are chauferred there in a limozine. BeOS Air only has limited types of planes that only only hold new luggage. All planes are single seaters and the model names all start with an "F" (F-14, F-15, F-16, F-18, etc.). The plane will fly you to your destination on autopilot in half the time of other Airways or you can fly the plane yourself. There are limited destinations, but they are only places you'd want to go to anyway. You tell all your friends how great BeOS Air is and all they say is "What do you mean I can't bring all my old baggage with me?"

Linux Airlines
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

Have a great weekend!

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I can tell its an old list.....

by JamesRL In reply to What it Operating Systems ...

...but thats ok, I am old enough to remember many of them.

I actually had a Newton on trial for 60 days.

I actually loaded both the Mach (free BSD on power mac) kernel and BeOS(created by an ex Apple VP). I've run Notes servers on OS/2 and Win NT.

Guess I shouldn't admit I used to know VMS....


James

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That's why I like it

by Tig2 In reply to I can tell its an old lis ...

Actually lists stuff I shouldn't admit to... but recognise.

Have to come up with something Vista specific...

If it helps any, partner and I were working on his resume. I had him list all of the technologies that he has ever worked with... then edited the list. VMS got tossed... but so did Series/1 and COBOL. We won't discuss DEC.

I feel so OLD!

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I would reconsider

by jdclyde In reply to That's why I like it

I would reconsider throwing away the Cobol, unless he just doesn't WANT to work with it anymore. MANY companies have legacy systems in cobol still. I know of a few that looked at purchasing a package to replace the legacy systems, but when they found it would be a few mill to get rid of the legacy system AND lose a lot of features just so they can get a pretty windows screen, they stayed put.

Yes, we are in that boat right now as well. We farmed out our payroll to ADP a few years back. Having them do our payroll DOUBLED our labor time AND cost a huge chunk of change each month. When their systems puked a few times and we lost a few days work EACH TIME, after a few months we dumped ADP and went back to the legacy system. It just works.

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He's like me in that respect

by Tig2 In reply to I would reconsider

Neither of us have written in COBOL in years. There simply isn't the call for it that there once was. He's more interested in Java and working with Linux plats, I have no desire to code professionally. I am finding increasingly that code produced is poor for the most part- standards bite, poorly or inappropriately commented, no testing standards, too much being ignored, final product not mapping back to requirements... I could go on.

There are still Series/1 in the enterprise too. You're right- those 20 year old systems just work. But finding people who can work ON them is getting tougher every passing year.

According to Gartner, us old geezers are no longer relevant in the enterprise. Uh-HUH.

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finding people who can work ON them

by jdclyde In reply to He's like me in that resp ...

Didn't you just prove my point on the ever increasing value of a cobol programmer? The less people can do a skill, the more it will cost to find someone that can. So while everyone else runs over to the "fun" language of the day, cobol keeps running.

There have litterally been THOUSANDS of languages that were all going to "replace cobol", and where are they now? B-)

But you have to WANT to do it.

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Actually JD I can understand Tig on this one

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to finding people who can wo ...

Cobol is a great language but I no longer attempt to work with it as I've seen way too many instances where code has been written poorly by people who don't know what it was that they where attempting to do or how to do it properly by somehow got it to work and then after 25 different people have had a go the entire thing is a mess to try to understand how the code is supposed to be structured.

Most times I've found it easier to rewrite the entire thing as it's far less time consuming than trying to understand how the Botched Together Thing is actually working. :0

But by the same token at one MS meeting on programing I rewrote the entire Ink VB code in C within 10 minutes and had a working system without a single problem. It was so much nicer than that VB JUNK!

Col

Edited to add I should have mentioned this Over here VB is a well know Beer and I personally think that some MS Ijiot stole the name after spending way too much time here drinking it till they where totally unconscious. When they eventually woke up back in Redmond they kept calling out for a VB and everyone thought that as they where a Programmer that must be a new language and wrote one that no one can understand Why it works in anything less that 250,000 lines of code and that's only to get a smiley face in a corner of the screen. :)

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Quotes - When Insults Had Class

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk, if there's al ...

Quotes - When Insults Had Class
..........................
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response
<b>
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop</b>

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson


"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand <i>(how would he know my EX-wife?)</i>

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912) <i>(I am sure MAX will get use of this one sometime soon! )</i>

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder

"He's so slow he'd finish third in a race with a pregnant lady."
--Casey Stengel

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HUNTING IN MICHIGAN

by jdclyde In reply to Friday Yuk, if there's al ...

The Duck

The Mickster went duck hunting in rural Michigan.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the Mickster climbed over the fence, an NeverBusted drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

Mick responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

NB replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."

Mick, feeling indignant said, "I am one of the best geeks in Kentucky and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll hack you and take everything you own."

NB smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Michigan. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

Mick asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

NB replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

Mick quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.

He agreed to abide by the local custom.

NB s l o w l y climbed down from the tractor and walked up to Mick. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into Mick's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the Mick's last meal gushing from his mouth.

Mick was on all fours when NB's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Mick summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, now it's my turn."

NB smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."


<i>the moral of the story, watch who you duck around with!

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Edited out

by OnTheRopes In reply to HUNTING IN MICHIGAN

Edited out

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