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Friday Yuk! It's cold

By DadsPad ·
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Maybe some humor can warm people up.

It was so cold . . .
we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

It was so cold...
hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

It was so cold...
roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

It was so cold . . .
when I dialed **1, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!

It was so cold . . .
the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!

It was so cold . . .
kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pyjamas haven't thawed out yet!"

It was so cold . . .
the travel agency was advertising tropical vacations in Igloolik!

It was so cold . . .
pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm!

It was so cold . . .
the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!

It was so cold . . .
I chipped a tooth on my soup!

It was so cold . . .
Grandpa?s teeth were chattering - in the glass!

It was so cold . . .
the dogs were wearing cats!

It was so cold . . .
Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!

It was so cold . . .
Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!

It was so cold . . .
the rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.

It was so cold . . .
we had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords.

It was so cold . . .
we had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas!

It was so cold...
kids stopped worrying about acne. The new problem - goosepimples!

It was so cold . . .
when we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!

It was so cold . . .
words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!

It was so cold . . .
the dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits - just to get them running!

It was so cold . . .
Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.

It was so cold . . .
we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!

It was so cold . . .
the Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started! Then...

It was so cold . . .
when we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs - or keep them running in place!

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and some more.......

by DadsPad In reply to Friday Yuk! It's cold

It was so cold . . .
people with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!

It was so cold . . .
the snowflakes froze in the air. Birds hopped from one snowflake to another to get into the trees.

It was so cold . . .
terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot chocolate!

It was so cold . . .
the politicians had their hands in their OWN pockets!

It was so cold...
beauty contestants had to draw pictures of themselves for the swimsuit competition! It was the first time talent was an asset in that event!

It was so cold . . .
my mail broke when I tried to pry open the envelope!

It was so cold . . .
UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!

It was so cold . . .
I actually enjoyed it when someone spilled scalding hot coffee on my lap!

It was so cold . . .
Throps and Squallhoots were constantly hugging!

It was so cold . . .
Richard Simmons started wearing pants!

It was so cold . . .
the fake Rolex sellers were selling fake heaters!


It was so cold...
Mr. Smith's toupee turned white for the winter!

It was so cold...
Mr. Bumstead's toupee took off and migrated south!

It was so cold . . .
my dental fillings became dislodged due to the constant shivering!

It was so cold . . .
people stopped complaining about the radioactive steam coming out of manholes!

It was so cold . . .
the muggers were phoning in sick!

It was so cold . . .
a streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.

It was so cold . . .
when I got sick - Mom had to give me a block of chicken soup!

It was so cold . . .
the Polar Bears were buying fur coats!

It was so cold . . .
the snowman knocked on the door and asked to sleep on the couch!

It was so cold . . .
people with the sniffles had to suck on NyQuil popsicles!

It was so cold . . .
we didn't clean the house - we just defrosted it!

It was so cold . . .
you could pick up used vans cheap down at "Ice Cream Vendor Surplus".

It was so cold . . .
my Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands!

It was so cold . . .
Pamela Anderson was downgraded from "hot" to "tepid".

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Some more .....

by DadsPad In reply to and some more.......

It's so cold, we had to chop up the piano for firewood -- it only gave us two cords.

"It's so cold that I actually feel like
listening to Rush Limbaugh. That's how desperate I am for some hot air."

It's so cold...the street drummers on Michigan Avenue will use icicles instead of sticks!

It's so cold,the polar bears at Lincoln Park Zoo are going on strike,and refusing to sit outdoors!

It's so cold,Governor Blago's hair will freeze and they'll need jumper cables to restart it!

It's so cold,the lions in front of the Art Institute will turn blue!
thankyouthankyouthankyou.


It was so cold that Britney Spears made sure she had underwear on before she went out.

It's so cold, a Chicago alderman was seen with his hands in his own pockets

It's so cold, that Letterman's TV studio is warmer.

I took my gloves off and there were only 3 fingers left

It's so cold that J.D. Salinger couldn't describe it.

It's so cold that Al Gore returned his Nobel prize.

Colder than a tin toilet seat in the antarctic.

It's so cold, my dog is stuck to the fire hydrant with his leg in the air.

It's so cold, People's Gas sent me a letter stating, "You better move."

It's so cold, steam from the cappacino freeze dried and Starbucks raised the price on its new product.

It's so cold, if you suck on an ice-cube it just gets bigger

It's so cold I bought sweet rolls at the train station and froze my buns before I reached my office.

It's so cold people in court with traffic tickets were pleading guilty and beg for the electric chair!

It was so cold . . .
down at the city morgue, you couldn't tell the stiffs from the guys who worked there!

It was so cold if you baked a cake, all you had to do was set it in the window. Two minutes later it was frosted!

It's so cold, I saw the Ty-D Bowl man playing ice hockey.

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another cold joke

by DadsPad In reply to Some more .....

Cold Weather Behavior?


60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. Minnesotans plant gardens.50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People are sunbathing in Duluth.

40 above zero: Import cars won?t start. Minnesotans drive with the sunroof open.

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker.

20 above zero: New Mexicans don long johns, parkas and wool hats & mittens. Minnesotans throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn on the heat. People in Minnesota have one last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero: People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico Minnesotans dig their winter coats out of storage.

25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in Minnesota still selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero: Washington, D.C. finally runs out of hot air. People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because the Mini-Van won?t start.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in Minnesota can be heard to say, ?Cold ?nuff fer ya??

500 below zero: **** freezes over. Minnesota public schools open 2 hours late.

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Famous Quotes

by XnavyDK In reply to Friday Yuk! It's cold

Great quotes by comedians


"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
--Winston Spear

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
far away."
--Billiam Coronell

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
--Steven Wright

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?"
--Garry Shandling

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

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embezzlement

by DadsPad In reply to Friday Yuk! It's cold

A mob boss finds out that his bookkeeper has embezzled $10 million. The bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit and the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that since a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything, he could never testify in court.

When the mob boss goes to shake down the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney who knows sign language.

The mobster asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the $10 million is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: I don't know what you're talking about. The attorney tells the mobster: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the mobster pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him! The bookkeeper signs back: OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Ernie's backyard in Queens!

The mobster asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

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A mistake

by DadsPad In reply to embezzlement

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

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Well, I DID

by TonytheTiger In reply to Friday Yuk! It's cold

fart outside... and it froze instantly.

Twenty minutes after I came back in though, it thawed out.... :)

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The First Parent

by DadsPad In reply to Friday Yuk! It's cold

The First Parent
by Bill Cosby
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.
After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?", Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
--- Bill Cosby

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I here you knocking, but you can't come in .....

by DadsPad In reply to Friday Yuk! It's cold

Two missionaries were tracting door to door and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close -- in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

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Chicago, how cold is it?

by DadsPad In reply to Friday Yuk! It's cold

a morning show host in Chicago wanted to see how cold it was outside.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/video/?slug=chi-wgnam-water-stunt-wn

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