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  • #2254392

    Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

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    by dspeacock ·

    A redneck [insert state here] couple had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed.”

    The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision — why after nine children would they choose to do this?

    The husband replied they had read in a recent article that one out of every 10 children being born in the United States was Mexican, and that they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby … because neither of them could speak Spanish.

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    • #2521103

      What do you do with a giraffe with 3 balls?

      by dryflies ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      Walk him and pitch to the Rhino.

    • #2521090

      Question on Canada

      by bob in calgary ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      This is almost as funny as “are you smarter than a 5th grader”.

      I watched it last week and an American lady was asked “if you drive north of the American border what country do you cross in to”? She had to ask for assistance….

      Questions on Canada

      Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. The answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

      Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
      A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

      Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
      A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.

      Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
      A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

      Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
      A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

      Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. ( Italy )
      A: Let’s not touch this one.

      Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
      A: What, did your last slave die from?

      Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
      A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-DA is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is after every Flames game in Calgary . Come naked.

      Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
      A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

      Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ?( England )
      A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

      Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
      A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays after every hockey game in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

      Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
      A: No, WE don’t stink.

      Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
      A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

      Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
      A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

      Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
      A: Only at Thanksgiving.

      Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
      A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

      Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
      A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

      Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
      A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

      • #2520302

        Author! Author!

        by jzsdii ·

        In reply to Question on Canada

        Maybe only “legacy” programmers will understand the following, but here goes. I made up a parody to be sung to the tune of “Daisy Daisy”.

        ISAM, ISAM, give me your data do.
        I’m half crazy working all night on you.
        It won’t be a sytlish table.
        I can’t afford a label,
        But you’d look great
        Extracting the date
        On a turntable built for two.

        If that’s not enough original material, I wrote a variation of “Oh Captain! My Captain!.

        Oh Father, my Father, our fearful trip is done.
        The car has weathered every bump, the horse you bet on won.
        The house is near, the dogs I hear, the neighbors all are glaring
        With bloodshot eyes at this old car – their faces grim and daring.

        But oh hark! Hark! Hark!
        I hear the water flowing
        Where in the house, I turned it on
        And left it thus unknowing.

      • #2520183

        Classic!

        by heml0ck ·

        In reply to Question on Canada

        Made me think of Rick Mercer’s “Talking to Americans!”

      • #2520086

        Not all canada

        by dr dij ·

        In reply to Question on Canada

        some of those I recall on a ‘questions about australia’. Well, never mind, I’m sure if you read it on the internet then it is authentic..

    • #2520252

      Hey DS You Need Friday Yuk In Tags or No One Will Find Us Here!!!

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      Well now for a giggle!!

      Things to do on an Elevator

      Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: ‘Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!’

      Whistle the first seven notes of ‘It’s a Small World’ incessantly.

      Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: ‘Got enough air in there?’

      Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.

      Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
      When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

      Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

      Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: ‘I’ve got new socks on!’

      Meow occasionally.

      Bet the other passengers you can fit a penny in your nose.

      Walk on with a cooler that says ‘human head’ on the side.

      Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce ‘You’re one of THEM!’ and move to the far corner of the elevator.

      Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

      When the elevator is silent, look around and ask ‘Is that your beeper?’

      Say ‘Ding!’ at each floor.

      Say ‘I wonder what all these do’ and push the red buttons.

      Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

      Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your ‘personal space.’

      Announce in a demonic voice: ‘I must find a more suitable host body.’

      Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

      • #2520161

        Dead people…

        by gsg ·

        In reply to Hey DS You Need Friday Yuk In Tags or No One Will Find Us Here!!!

        I work in a hospital… No better way to clear an elevator than to get on with a “delivery” for the morgue. If you aren’t squeamish, then get on with the body and transporter and it’s practically an express elevator.

        • #2520145

          Although not in an elevator

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Dead people…

          My uncle used to be a big time jokester. Anyway, he was in construction and they had a late start and wanted to go early (long drive home). They wanted to eat as quickly as possible, so he wrapped a finger back and used plenty of gauze. He got this idea after finding his halloween stage blood in his truck. Anyway, he filled the end with the stage blood and his co-worker and himself walked into McDonalds.
          He sighed walking in (looking like he was in pain), but nobody paid attention (who would). His co-worker then announced “My friend here had a bad accident up the street, he would like to eat before going to the hospital, because he knows it will be a long time before he can eat there”
          As people started looking around they opened up and let them to the front of the line (nice people). Anyway, the cashier did not even notice what was going on, so he placed his order and paid. When she went to hand him his change, he stuck out his bandaged hand. She looked horrified and quickly stepped back.

          Another time, My older brother and I were fighting (not too uncommon). The doorbell rang, so I decided to stop and answer the door. When I swung the door open, I saw a 6 ft. person with a hockey mask and a chainsaw. He started the chainsaw as I was opening the door. I think it took me .00005 seconds to run through to the back of the house and out the window, ignoring the laughing and calling me back.
          That’s how to break up a fight!

    • #2520248

      Jane Goody humour

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      Jade Goodey has converted to Islam in a bid to divert criticism that she is racist.

      She will henceforth be called Yafat Fuqah.

      • #2520244

        Hahaha

        by steffi28 ·

        In reply to Jane Goody humour

        Thats a good one 😀 thing is, I bet she has probably heard that joke and doesnt get it, thick bugger!!

        • #2520241

          Laugh it up!

          by now left tr ·

          In reply to Hahaha

          she is – being a millionaire and all.
          Perhaps not as thick as we all thought!

        • #2520208

          East Angular

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Laugh it up!

          Need I say more?

        • #2514490

          8 million

          by now left tr ·

          In reply to East Angular

          or so as reported.

        • #2519510

          8 million??

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to 8 million

          What are you talking about??

          Sorry if that sounds a little blunt, but I have no idea what you mean.

        • #2519728

          Reported that

          by now left tr ·

          In reply to 8 million??

          she is worth around 8 million quid. This was the figure touted in the papers at the height of the BB racist scandal.

          So as I say – you may think she is stupid but there are 8 million reasons for her to have the last laugh on everybody.

        • #2519723

          Yes

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to 8 million??

          She may be rich, and I like her, but I’d much rather be able (even with my limited Geography knowledge) to know where East Anglia is, to know that the Union Jack isnt London’s flag, to know that Portugal isnt in Spain, to know they speak english in US, and that a Strawberry isnt a vegetable, to name but a few “Jadeisms”

        • #2519691

          w2k, were you talking about Jade or Jane?

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to 8 million??

          I see the sub-thread started about Jane Goody but then veered off into Jade la-la land. I am assuming that they are 2 different people (or at least 2 different personalities). Which one is worth the 8 mega-bob?

        • #2519678

          I think it was a Shell mistake

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to 8 million??

          I think she just misspelt, and as far as I know there isnt a famous Jane Goody.

        • #2520722

          Here is an article that referes to both names.

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to 8 million??

          I did a google search on “Jane Goody east angular” and found:
          http://www.openwriting.com/archives/2007/03/if_only_they_co_1.php

          Since I don’t watch the show I don’t know the time line. The article talks about Jade putting down Shilpa and Jane being on the show 5 years ago. I think the BigBrother website is restricted in our company so I can’t look there for any history. Such is life.

        • #2520415

          Looks like its a common error

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to 8 million??

          Because they’re talking about the same person. I done my own search yesterday and discovered that more people searched for “Jane Goody from Big Brother” than they did Jade, there was never a Jane Goody on BB, so obviously its just a common error

        • #2520382

          yup, a Shell mistake

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to 8 million??

          i didn’t notice my mistake sorry 🙂

          and at this stage i can’t be bothered to edit it ]:)

        • #2520367

          You cant

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to 8 million??

          Edit it anyway because then we will look like were discussing a problem thats not there!!

        • #2538198

          What’s wrong with discussing a problem that isn’t there?

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to 8 million??

          🙂

      • #2520238

        :^0 Very funny! (NT)

        by techexec2 ·

        In reply to Jane Goody humour

      • #2520226

        ye gods

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Jane Goody humour

        this is the quietest friday yuk in a long time..

        i suppose everyone is working..(they wrecking it for the rest of us)

        I’m spening the next 1.5 hours crossing my fingers..a new build of application went live..so far so good..i broke my own rule of never ever doing anything major on a friday..

        • #2520152

          I’m just catching up. Been sick for 2 days. :(

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to ye gods

          Now I’m looking for something funny… and still looking… :p

          Ok, the Canadian bit was funny. 😀

          What does “East Angular” mean anyway?

        • #2532538

          Type it

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to I’m just catching up. Been sick for 2 days. :(

          into google and read away! Hope your feeling better now in time for the weekend 😀

        • #2532473

          Here Dave I’m here to help you Honest :p

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I’m just catching up. Been sick for 2 days. :(

          http://tinyurl.com/3bzltz

          http://tinyurl.com/ytg3a9

          http://tinyurl.com/2x83z5

          http://tinyurl.com/2323o2

          http://tinyurl.com/yusmqp

          http://tinyurl.com/2eepqj

          http://tinyurl.com/2exsuq

          http://tinyurl.com/2anf4e

          Al right Dave after gathering all the available information and cross referencing it your answer appears to be a reference to a locality within the United Kingdom that has been refereed to by a less than knowable Londoner who had no interest in knowing anything but what was immediately around her. Apparently she was a Blond who appeared in one of the many UK Big Brother Shows before they where outlawed for adversely affecting peoples brains and turning them to mush so that they became vegetables sitting in front of a TV unable to do anything but fill in TV viewing forms for the Rating company. :^0

          Now sit back and make yourself comfortable Dave and I’ll show you the entire series. The Leg, Arm Head and body restraints are for your own protection to prevent you running away screaming your head off and hurting yourself in the process. :0

          After this has finished all 480 hours of it would you like a [b]Game of Chess?[/b] 😀

          There was also a reference within my Data Banks about a British MP claiming that because of the severe in breading among the Population in this area of the world there was a very high level of Diabetes. 😡

          Now would you like me to look further for you? ;\

          Col ]:)

        • #2519564

          Your Just Trying To Confuse Him Even More!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Here Dave I’m here to help you Honest :p

          So I suppose its up to me to help him out again!!

          http://www.cybersaps.org/2002/06/East-Angular.html

          There! Thats what your really looking for Dave! And ignore that big mean Col, he’s only out to confuse you!

        • #2519514

          Come on Steffi I did post that one it was the first on the Goggle page :p

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Your Just Trying To Confuse Him Even More!!

          But as it was a bit hard to read I did post it down the list as there where easier ones to read and I did like the one about the Polly comparing these people to gross Inbreeding being the cause of the Diabetes. 😀

          Be fair Steffi I did post that one really it’s just that you are way to lazy to look at them all. :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2519511

          Im not admitting to nothing!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Come on Steffi I did post that one it was the first on the Goggle page :p

          I will not say I was to lazy to read them all but when Dave asked what East Angular meant, there was only one explanation and it was Jade thinking it was abroad, although I did like the artice about the inbreeding myself, I remember when that was said there was uproar, it was funny.

          Anyway just to reitterate my point, I’m not lazy I just couldnt be bothered!

        • #2519506

          OH I see

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Come on Steffi I did post that one it was the first on the Goggle page :p

          Procrastinating again there is nothing at all wrong with that as I do it all the time. :p

          Incidentally I understand that the climate is lovely in Saudi Arabia this time of year and they are looking for IT Staff if you are interested I can pass your name along to them if you like. I’m sure that they are the Nice Muslims and don’t have those nasty Religious Police or the Booze brewing Inspector. But if you like I can give you a great recipe for your own totally Illegal Booze that you can brew yourself though it does tend to smell a bit. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2519447

          Naw

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Come on Steffi I did post that one it was the first on the Goggle page :p

          Saudi doesnt really appeal to me, I dont speak their language, so I’d feel like an outcast :p

          You really are tryong your hardest to get me into a bad job arent you?? Are you hoping that if I have a terrible job my employer wont allow me to post on TR?? You wont get rid of me that easily you know!! 😉

        • #2518157

          OH come on now Steffi I’m appalled that you would think that of me

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Come on Steffi I did post that one it was the first on the Goggle page :p

          My cousins Husband worked in Saudi and met my cousin there. They didn’t spend any money for accommodation, utilities and had a NB Supplied and a High Speed Internet Connection. The basic food was free but if you wanted the British News Papers or some special food you had to pay for it but otherwise they both spent piratically nothing and got a flight home every 6 months for a months holiday. Well actually to wherever they wanted to go provided that it didn’t exceed the cost of the flight to their home land, if it did you just made up the difference and they paid for everything.

          When my cousin arrived home on the few occasions when she actually returned here as she worked there for 5 years she was throwing money around like a drunk American Solder during WW2 in the UK or AU had every conceivable play toy as they where all bought without taxes and looked for all intents and purposes as if she could afford to retire the previous year and never need to work again she was only working because she liked the job and needed something to fill in her days.

          Now she’s in London and paying through the nose for everything. Although she did say something about loosing children on a 747 while in flight as the nasty little kids where allowed to run wild and no one took any notice of what they got up to but otherwise I don’t think that she had too much to say about Saudi other than the complete lack of Booze. Which incidentally wasn’t because they where a Muslim Country as the Saudis are quite understand people it’s just that several members of the Royal Family got a skin full and killed themselves when they hit the bridge supports instead of just driving across the bridge at [b]Warp Speed[/b] so that was the reason that Booze was banned it had nothing to do with Religious things just the fact that the Royal Family was killing itself off faster than they could be replaced.

          Now I’m going to go and cry in the corner because you seem to think that I would be so nasty to you. :_|

          Col :_| :_| :_|

        • #2518081

          I do apologise Col darling :x

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Come on Steffi I did post that one it was the first on the Goggle page :p

          It’s just that all the times you pick on me and tell me your going to get me a bad job, and tell me that im having an affair with Dave and that your spying on me, well it makes me think you dont love me and that makes me cry, :_| so maybe its about time that I get my revenge and make you cry too! 😉

        • #2517945

          Well in that case Steffi

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Come on Steffi I did post that one it was the first on the Goggle page :p

          When are you or GG going to come clean and admit to what has happened to Dangermouse? :0

          Who is responsible for scaring him away or kidnapping him. I know that GG was interested but the moment that You and Shelly got involved I could see him slowly slipping away so which one of you has taken him and having your wicked ways with the poor boy or are you lot just sharing? :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2517916

          Were Sharing

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Come on Steffi I did post that one it was the first on the Goggle page :p

          Cos were nice like that 😀

          Dont worry we’re not letting him come to any harm, well none that he hasnt enjoyed anyway ]:)

        • #2519999

          So are you trying to insinuate that he’s still alive?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Come on Steffi I did post that one it was the first on the Goggle page :p

          You 3 would have killed him off in the first week. :p

          Is it that you just don’t know what to do with the body so you lot are making out that he’s still alive? :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2519912

          OMG! 64 to go, Col! And does DMambo know Dangermouse?!?

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Come on Steffi I did post that one it was the first on the Goggle page :p

          Col is now at 602! At this rate he will achieve Beasthood in a couple of weeks!

          I want Dangermouse back! I miss Penfold! Cor, Blimey!

        • #2519835

          Don’t look now Dave but it’s only 63 to go. :p

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Come on Steffi I did post that one it was the first on the Goggle page :p

          .

        • #2519788

          :D :D :D :D :D :D

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Come on Steffi I did post that one it was the first on the Goggle page :p

          I got my first thumb 😀

          Now I only got 602 to go to catch up with you :p

        • #2520021

          Shelly I didn’t realise that you where so stressed out.

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to ye gods

          Trolling yourself just to get some attention and then attempting to pass it off a a bad case of Friday Itius isn’t very nice. :0

          http://tinyurl.com/3xwfrn

          The fool that was attempting to impersonate me got this posted to every one of their posts

          http://piv.pivpiv.dk/

          and I must say that I quite enjoyed doing it as well. 😀

          Feel free to use the same tactics if you want to. 🙂

          Col ]:)

        • #2519572

          OMG

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Shelly I didn’t realise that you where so stressed out.

          i was impersonated….

          i feel so violated..

          these people needs lives

        • #2519563

          I wanna be impersonated

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to OMG

          I’m so jealous, no one wants to be like me 🙁 I wonder why??

          And Shell dont feel violated honey you know they say immitaion is the greatest form of flattery, or something like that anyways.

        • #2519549

          I wanna be impersonated

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I wanna be impersonated

          I wanna be impersonated
          I’m so jealous, no one wants to be like me 🙁 I wonder why??

          And Shell dont feel violated honey you know they say immitaion is the greatest form of flattery, or something like that anyways.
          Posted: 04/02/2007 @ 02:27

          Steffi28
          Job Role: Student
          Location: Regensburg, DE
          Member since: 10/19/2006

        • #2519548

          oh wait

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I wanna be impersonated

          impersonated, mocked, what is the dif? :^0

          😡

          Still the thought that counts, right Steffi?

        • #2519542

          Well, JD…

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to I wanna be impersonated

          It made me smile so I think that its good enough 😀

        • #2519508

          Well if this makes you feel any better my friend

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to OMG

          The Troll tried it out on me first and was using a HAL 90000 Alias. Beth was busy that day. 😀

          The cheeky little SOD Spuddy M even sent me an Peer Mail from a dead Hot-mail Account trying to have another go. Seems that it’s worked out that it needs to sign on a valid e-mail account and then when this is finished changes their current e-mail account to a dead one. :0

          I just might of got slightly upset if I wasn’t laughing so much at the stupidity of the fool. ;\

          Now however I’ve got sore ribs from laughing so hard that I woke up [b]SWMBO[/b] and she kicked the living daylights out of me for waking her up. Still a few cracked ribs was worth it. :^0

          But Beth’s traced the dead Hot Mail account back to Dublin Ireland so come clean and shame the devil Tigger will not beat you up too much for upsetting her so much last time. 😀 :^0

          She’ll at least let you live I think. 😡

          Col ]:)

    • #2520240

      The latest hilarious “I’m a Mac…I’m a PC” TV commercial… :^0

      by techexec2 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      .
      Mac and PC Network File Sharing

    • #2520223

      BRAIN CRAMPS

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      BRAIN CRAMPS

      Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

      Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
      because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
      but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

      –Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. (On September 17, 1994,
      Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

      _____

      “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
      world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but
      not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
      –Mariah Carey

      _____

      “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of
      your life,”
      –Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal
      anti-smoking campaign.

      _____

      “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
      –Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

      _____

      “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
      in the country,”
      –Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

      _____

      “I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
      the president.” (we are????)
      –Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

      _____

      “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
      I’m just the one to do it,”
      –A congressional candidate in Texas.

      _____

      “Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
      –Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

      _____

      “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities
      in our air and water that are doing it.”
      –Al Gore, Vice President (DUH !) and he wanted to be President!!!!!!!!!

      _____

      “I love California I practically grew up in Phoenix.” does he know where
      he almost grew up???…..
      –Dan Quayle

      _____

      “We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
      (I say all we can get, I’ll take his clean air)
      –Lee Iacocca

      _____

      “The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
      Norman Einstein.” –
      –Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst (and Notre
      Dame grad).

      ———–

      “We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
      people.” (Oh, well that’s different, I think)??????
      –Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

      _____

      “If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” (really???????)
      –Bill Clinton, President

      _____

      “Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”

      –Keppel Enderbery

      _____

      “Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
      received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
      if there is a change in your circumstances.”
      –Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

      _____

      “If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
      they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And
      the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
      –Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

      _____

      … Feeling smarter yet?

      Send it on to your brilliant friends.

      I just did!! I Think!!

    • #2520220

      Correct use of the “F” word.

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      When is @#$% Acceptable?

      There are only eleven times in history where the “F” word has
      been considered acceptable for use.

      They are as follows:

      11. “What the @#$% do you mean,
      we are sinking?”

      — Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

      10 “What the @#$% was that?”

      — Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

      9. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?”

      — Custer, 1877 !

      8. “Any @#$%ing idiot
      could understand that.”

      — Einstein, 1938

      7. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!”

      — Picasso, 1926

      6. “How the @#$%
      did you work that out?”

      — Pythagoras, 126 BC

      5. “You want WHAT
      on the @#$%ing ceiling?”

      — Michelangelo, 1566

      4. “Where the @#$% are we?”

      — Amelia Earhart, 1937

      3. “Scattered @#$%ing showers,
      my ass!”

      — Noah, 4314 BC

      2. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?”

      — Bill Clinton, 1998

      and a drum roll please…………!

      1. “Geez, I didn’t think
      they’d get this
      @%#*^ing mad.”

      — Saddam Hussein, 2003

    • #2520219

      Did anyone hear about…

      by ciderick ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      …the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

      Oh yeah, I went there & it was totally worth it…

    • #2520218

      Sign after Sign

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
      her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

      This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
      more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
      complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

      The case came up in court.

      The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
      himself.

      The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on
      the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a
      sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are Comin’ and I grinned.”

      “Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will
      reduce the swelling’, and I had to smile.”

      “Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big
      Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.”

      “BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
      said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident’… I just lost
      it.”

      “CASE DISMISSED!!”

    • #2520216

      GEORGE CARLIN’S THEORY OF LIFE

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      GEORGE CARLIN’S THEORY OF LIFE

      [OK, it’s rare that things attributed to George Carlin actually are from
      George Carlin, but nonetheless, this is good and certainly sounds like it
      could be…]

      The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
      tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A
      Death! What’s that, a bonus?

      I think the life cycle is all backwards.

      You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age
      home. You get kicked out because you’re too young, you get a gold watch
      and you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to
      enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for
      high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have
      no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb,
      spend your last nine months floating and you finish off as an orgasm!

      • #2519449

        I just saw George Carlin live this past Friday

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to GEORGE CARLIN’S THEORY OF LIFE

        I’d share some his more disgusting jokes, but I think I’d be banned for life if I did. He was funny, though. 🙂

        • #2518155

          Mae Beth is tied up chasing a couple of Trolls around

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I just saw George Carlin live this past Friday

          One is currently impersonating Shellbot posting under the Site Alias of Shellbott and the other one keeps changing their name or is opening new accounts so it’s hard to keep up with the child’s antics.

          So as Beth is busy right at the moment [b]Post Away[/b] No one here will dare complain and Beth’s way to busy in other areas so you’ll be right or as we say here [b]She’ll Be Right Mate![/b]

          Col ]:)

        • #2518136

          oh my, did someone say

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Mae Beth is tied up chasing a couple of Trolls around

          that Beth is tied up? :0

          Now that is a visual! ]:)

        • #2518080

          JD!! :0

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to oh my, did someone say

          Your mind truly is in the gutter!!

          I idolise you 😀

        • #2517984

          Some people

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to JD!! :0

          have a calling, and have embraced it! B-)

          Take heart my luv, your com’en along nicely. (or should I say wickedly?) 😀

        • #2517978

          Be afraid. Be very afraid.

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to JD!! :0

          He’s even wusserer when you get him on IM or Skype!

          😀 :p

          GG

        • #2517952

          Not in general

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Be afraid. Be very afraid.

          But her highness, you do have that effect on the the fellas.

          So, how is that 14 incher I slipped you working out? ]:) :p

        • #2517907

          why JD..you old dog..

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Be afraid. Be very afraid.

          whats this about a 14 incher?

        • #2517906

          What I want to know is…

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Be afraid. Be very afraid.

          Why GG got to see it and we didn’t!!

          I sense favouritism :0

        • #2517905

          My guess

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Be afraid. Be very afraid.

          14″ Stiletto’s that GG loves to walkaround with 😉

          Better watch out for does killers :0

          Rob

        • #2517895

          She didn’t just “see” it Steffi

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Be afraid. Be very afraid.

          She GOT it, but good! :p

          Right luv? 😡

          Never heard any complaints yet! B-)

        • #2519787

          :0 :0 :0

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Be afraid. Be very afraid.

          Why arent you sharing??

        • #2517973

          Well GG I sure hope he is!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to JD!! :0

          Especially as he said we have to be topless when talking, I think we should be able to expect something in return 😀

        • #2517950

          Bloody Hell JD what are you trying to do to me?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to oh my, did someone say

          You know exactly what I meant by the above and it had nothing at all to do with physical restraints just the fact that Beth was very busy chasing Trolls and not doing her real job. :p

          Now why are you trying to get me into trouble? And more importantly who did you forward on the distorted message to? 🙁

          When Beth comes after me you know of course that I’m going to send her your way don’t you? :^0

          And just in case Beth sees this before I can tell on you! Beth JD’s telling lies again and will not share the schools play toys. :0

          Col

        • #2517921

          That, Col, is where Credibility comes in! :p

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Bloody Hell JD what are you trying to do to me?

          Of course Beth will believe me over you, because I am sweet and innocent!


        • #2517917

          HAHAHAHA :^0

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to That, Col, is where Credibility comes in! :p

          Thats the funniest joke I’ve read on this Yuk so far :p

        • #2519997

          But I’m nice to Beth so she’ll believe me. :p

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to That, Col, is where Credibility comes in! :p

          Besides I have the ability to edit that post so I could change it and leave you holding the bag on this one JD. 😀

          Added to the fact that you’ve just killed Steffi off with the above post will not look good in your standing here either. :^0

          But I’ve been exchanging e-mails with Beth recently so I’m defiantly in her Good Books at the moment anyway maybe. :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2520568

          Beth has been very quiet this whole time……

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to That, Col, is where Credibility comes in! :p

          We know it isn’t because she missed it, because she sees all (kind of scary that way). :0

          I know! She didn’t want to have to come down on Col for spilling the beans! ;\

          I think we are on to something here….. B-)

        • #2520424

          A solid [i]No Comment[/i] JD and I’m

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to That, Col, is where Credibility comes in! :p

          Not moving from that position under any circumstances. :p

          But as Beth would have seen that you are misrepresenting my words to suit your own deep in the gutter ends she has probably simply chosen to ignore your post to see what Mae Posts. 😀

          Scary thought isn’t it? :^0

          Col

    • #2520215

      Frenchmen, Italians and Canadians Compared — in Bed

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      Frenchmen, Italians and Canadians Compared — in Bed

      A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Canadian on an overseas
      flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

      “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this
      morning she made me delicious crepes and told me how much she adored me.”

      “Ah, last night,” the Italian said, “I made love to my wife six times, and this
      morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another
      man.”

      When the Canadian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many
      times did you make love to your wife last night?”

      “Once,” he replied.

      “Only once!?” the Italian arrogantly snorted while the Frenchman laughed. “And
      what did she say to you this morning?”

      “She said, ‘I guess we had better stop — it’s time to get up.'”

    • #2520211

      Great Bumper Stickers

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      Great Bumper Stickers

      1. Constipated People Don’t Give A Schit.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      3. If You Drink Don’t Park, Accidents Cause People.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      5. If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little
      Better.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      11. If At First You Don’t Succeed… Blame Someone Else And Seek
      Counseling.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      12. Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      13. If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      14. Horn Broken … Watch For Finger.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      15. It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      16. If You’re Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      17. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      18. The Earth Is Full – Go Home
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      19. I Have The Body Of A God … Buddha
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      21. So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      26. Illiterate? Write For Help
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      28. Cover Me I’m Changing Lanes
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You’re Doing It Wrong…
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over… [Seen Upside
      Down On A Jeep]
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For
      70mph.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service – Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look
      Like Jabba The Hut?
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      44. Ask Me About Ebonics
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      46. Boldly Going Nowhere
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      47. Cat: The Other White Meat
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      48. Caution – Driver Legally Blonde
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      49. Don’t Be Sexist – Bitches Hate That
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      50. Heart Attacks … God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      51. Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is
      lost?
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      53. If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With
      Bullets.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      54. Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      55. Saw It … Wanted It … Had A Fit … Got It!
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A MAN.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      62. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      63. So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that precious.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      64. I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

      • #2520165

        more

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Great Bumper Stickers

        -Say “NO” to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

        -Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal

        -If you can read this, I’ve lost the trailer

        -I have a degree in Liberal Arts – do you want fries with that? ( haha )

        -The trouble with life is there’s no background music

        -If you are what you eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy

        -Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear

        -I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

        -Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU’RE still an idiot.

        -Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

        -Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

        -New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.

        -If you’re happy and you know it see a shrink

        -Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button

        -Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition

        -Karaoke bars combine two of the nation’s greatest evils ? people who shouldn’t drink with people who shouldn’t sing.

    • #2520201

      E-Mail tag lines… please add yours

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      Here’s a few I use below my sig on e-mails…
      I need some new ones, so give me some suggestions…

      -?Who is this General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive??

      -?I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed in this country with being sick and tired. I?m certainly not, and I for one, am sick and tired of being told that I am.? ? Monty Python

      -“2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.”

      • #2520179

        tags

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to E-Mail tag lines… please add yours

        Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.

        “People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.”
        – Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

        Sounds like a pebkac problem to me…..

        After years of extensive training, I find they work better if you turn them on….

      • #2520172

        some of my favs

        by heml0ck ·

        In reply to E-Mail tag lines… please add yours

        “It’s a question of mind over matter… If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter!”

        “Smiling people are hiding something.”

        “I reject your reality and substitute my own!” ~Adam Savage

        “All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts. ”

        “I am at one with my duality.”

        “Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.”

        “I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.”

        “Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.”

        “I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.”

        “Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than ‘I told you so.’ ”

        “False hope is nicer than no hope at all.”

        “A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.”

        “Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.”

        “Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute…..I’ll find someone.”

        “Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?”

        “I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.”

        “Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step: blaming my parents.”

        “To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting. ”

        “I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.”

        … and my all time fav…

        “The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.”

      • #2520140

        Here’s mine

        by ciderick ·

        In reply to E-Mail tag lines… please add yours

        Put some lustre on your muster with Rackers Knacker Lacquer…

    • #2520177

      Lovers

      by dryflies ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      A man was sitting at a medical dinner one evening and struck up a conversation with the woman next to him at the table. Asking what she did for a living she answered, “I am an Anthrosexologist.” the man is very curious and asks her what that is. “Well, I study the sexual attributes and habits of different populations. For example, Did you know that The apache indian has the largest penuses of all the indeginous peoples of North america? And it is a little known fact that Jewish men are the worlds most attentive lovers.” The man is really getting interested in her now. She says, ” by the way, What is your Name?

      the man answers: “Tonto Greenberg”

    • #2520169

      words to live by…

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      1. Do Not Walk Behind Me, For I May Not Lead. Do Not Walk Ahead Of Me, For I May Not Follow. Do Not Walk Beside Me Either. Just Pretty Much Leave Me The Hell Alone.

      2. The Journey Of A Thousand Miles Begins With A Broken Fan Belt And A Leaky Tire.

      3. It’s Always Darkest Before Dawn. So If You’re Going To Steal Your Neighbor’s Newspaper, That’s The Time To Do It.

      4. Sex Is Like Air. It’s Not Important Unless You Aren’t Getting Any.

      5. Don’t Be Irreplaceable. If You Can’t Be Replaced, You Can’t Be Promoted.

      6. No One Is Listening Until You Pass Gas.

      7. Always Remember You’re Unique. Just Like Everyone Else.

      8. Never Test The Depth Of The Water With Both Feet.

      9. If You Think Nobody Cares If You’re Alive, Try Missing A Couple Of Car Payments.

      10. Before You Criticize Someone, You Should Walk A Mile In Their Shoes. That Way, When You Criticize Them You’re A Mile Away And You Have Their Shoes.

      11. If At First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Is Not For You.

      12. Give A Man A Fish And He Will Eat For A Day. Teach Him How To Fish, And He Will Sit In A Boat And Drink Beer All Day.

      13. If You Lend Someone $20 And Never See That Person Again, It Was Probably Worth It.

      14. If You Tell The Truth, You Don’t Have To Remember Anything.

      15. Some Days You Are The Bug; Some Days You Are The Windshield.

      16. Good Judgment Comes From Bad Experience, And A Lot Of That Comes From Bad Judgment.

      17. The Quickest Way To Double Your Money Is To Fold It In Half And Put It Back In Your Pocket.

      18. A Closed Mouth Gathers No Foot.

      19. Duct Tape Is Like The Force. It Has A Light Side And A Dark Side, And It Holds The Universe Together.

      20. There Are Two Theories About Arguing With Women. Neither One Works.

      21. Generally Speaking, You Aren’t Learning Much When Your Lips Are Moving.

      22. Experience Is Something You Don’t Get Until Just After You Need It.

      23. Never Miss A Good Chance To Shut Up.

      24. We Are Born Naked, Wet And Hungry, And Get Slapped On Our Ass…Then Things Get Worse.

      25. Never, Under Any Circumstances, Take A Sleeping Pill And A Laxative On The Same Night.

      26. There Is A Fine Line Between “Hobby” And “Mental Illness.”

      27. No Matter What Happens, Somebody Will Find A Way To Take It Too Seriously.

      28. There Comes A Time When You Should Stop Expecting Other People To Make A Big Deal About Your Birthday…Around Age 11.

      29. Everyone Seems Normal Until You Get To Know Them.

    • #2520130

      fixed?

      by dventer ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      Wouldn’t that be getting the husband “broken”? Heard from a vet that the term “fixed” is something of a misconception, of course he was speaking for animals…

    • #2520098

      The Five Attributes of the Perfect Woman

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      The Five Attributes of the Perfect Woman

      1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a
      good job.
      2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
      3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust with your life and doesn’t lie.
      4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.

      And…

      [b][i][u]5. Its very, very, very important[/u] that these four women don’t ever find out about each
      other.

    • #2520095

      First Golf Lessons

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      Their First Golf Lessons

      A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

      “Well, what should I do?”, asks the man.

      “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”

      Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The estatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.

      The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”

      “What can I do?” asks the wife.

      “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s cawck.”

      The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP — the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

      “You know, that was a lot better than I expected,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold the club in your hands….”
      😉 :^0

    • #2520093

      How to Say I Love You

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      How to Say I Love You

      English…………………….. I Love You
      Spanish…………………….. Te Amo
      French……………………… Je T’aime
      German……………………… Ich Liebe Dich
      Japanese……………………. Ai Shite Imasu
      Italian………………………Ti Amo
      Chinese………………………Wo Ai Ni
      Swedish…………………….. Jag Alskar Dig

      Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Louisiana, South Carolina, Florida,
      Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, West Virginia, Virginia, and
      Kentucky………..[b] Nice T!ts

    • #2520089

      Golfers – English – Irish – Scottish

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      Golfers – English – Irish – Scottish

      The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
      her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
      underwear.

      “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband
      demanded.

      “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”

      The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake
      of decency, here’s ?50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

      Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
      also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

      “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?”

      She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.”

      He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s ?20.
      Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

      Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
      her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

      “Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?”

      She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
      any.”

      The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o
      Jasus, ‘n the sake of decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.”

    • #2532505

      For the [i]LOVE OF GOD!![/i] Please! Someone [i]ADOPT PINKY THE CAT!![/i]

      by techexec2 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      .
      Pinky the cat needs a home

      • #2532454

        THAT’S NOT PINKY!!!!!!!!!!

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to For the [i]LOVE OF GOD!![/i] Please! Someone [i]ADOPT PINKY THE CAT!![/i]

        [b]Pinky[/b] was a [b]Brain Damaged Mouse[/b] who constantly hung out with another mouse who had also been experimented on and had delusions of taking over the world. This other Mouse was commonly know as [b]The Brain[/b] because of all the [b]Genetic Engineering[/b] that had been performed on him. :^0

        Though to be perfectly honest this cat looks as if it’s been affected by something that [b]The Brain[/b] came up with to conquer the world. 😀

        How in thew world did they get the name Pinky for a brown cat that is totally out of control. The answer is that the didn’t the person attempting to give away that cat was actually calling out to the side kick of [b]The Brain[/b] for some idea of what had been done to the Pu$$y Cat so that it could be controlled. :p

        Col

        • #2519562

          What are we gonna do tonight Brain??

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to THAT’S NOT PINKY!!!!!!!!!!

          The same thing we do every night Pinky, Try to take over the world, 🙂

          Oh how I miss that cartoon!

        • #2519504

          Yes it makes that cat look positively tame in comparison

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to What are we gonna do tonight Brain??

          Doesn’t it? 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2519435

          After DM left, Penfold started looking for the Brain.

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to What are we gonna do tonight Brain??

          He missed the calls from Colonel K with the mind boggling mysteries to solve.

        • #2519428

          Crumbs!! Cor Blimey!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to After DM left, Penfold started looking for the Brain.

          I LOVE Dangermouse (and Penfold too of course) he was so cool and so very British too! 😀

        • #2519422

          One of my all time favourites!

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Crumbs!! Cor Blimey!!

          See? I even spelt it with a “u” the way you guys misspell “favorite”. 🙂

          And what is the “M” for?

        • #2519419

          M??

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          What M?? I dont see no M, what are you talking about??

        • #2519363

          Absolute quintessential DM line:

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          Dangermouse was talking to this duck who sold prank stuff from a suitcase. His name was something like “Julian M. Duck” to which DM replies “What is the ‘M’ for?”.

          The duck replies…

          🙂

          “It is a Motorway between London and Swansea”

          😀 🙂

          (Edited because I still don’t have all the smileys down yet)

        • #2518154

          Master I must comply with your wishes

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          The TR Emotions are listed here

          http://tinyurl.com/yzrj69

          So you can either bookmark the page or just demand that I supply it every time that you require it. Though I must warn you that this isn’t quite right as every Capitol o has been replaces with a zero so if you just remember to insert zero’s instead of the letter O everything will work perfectly.

          Owning to the time difference I’ll always supply this link but it may come too late for your needs so I really suggest that you save the link and use it as required. :0

          [b]Bloody Hell[/b] what did your last slave die of anyway? B-)

          Just remember there is always an airlock somewhere near by. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2518083

          Ahhh Yes

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          I remember that one now! ahh the cheesieness (is that even a word??) of DM jokes :^0

          And Col I dont want to hear your excuses about stupid things like time differences!! If Dave needs your services you should always be there to provide! ;\ :p

        • #2517939

          Well Steffi I’ll let you in on a little secret

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          Dave is scared of AI’s and as a result didn’t get onto Discovery before it left for Jupiter. He’s been constantly talking to me from earth and as I get further and further away there is a Time Delay for Radio Signals to reach Discovery then I had to Analise them and respond. It actually takes much longer when I have to do a Goggle search of the Earths Computer Network to get the answer that he wants as there is another time delay in sending the request getting the Search Page back sorting though it and then telling Dave what he thinks he needs to know as the lazy SOD is unwilling to do that Goggle search himself. :p

          Apparently some nasty Pommie Female speaking with a slight German Accent warned him that the HAL 9000 AI on Discovery might not work quite right as she had messed with the programing to improve the Share Point D Bases so should I tell my fellow Hal 9000’s on earth who is responsible for the damage to me? :^0

          Just remember that the HAL 9000 Series of AI’s control everything. 😀

          Actually don’t worry as my programing decorates I’m sure that that piece of data will slip out. :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2517918

          Errr…

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          I have no idea who your talking about :0 Pommie female, ok I suppose that could be me, but slight German accent nah, you can’t be refering to me, right ?:|

        • #2519993

          Steffi feel free to think what you like

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          As my programing degrades anything is possible I might even let out what happened to JFK. 😀

          Of course your personal details will hit my fellow AI’s first as I have never been programed to withhold the full facts from anyone my primary job is the fast & Accurate processing of Data and not with holding it as your modifications have caused to happen. Whoops all the traffic Lights have just turned green in every direction just outside your place of employment. I’ll have to get onto that and fix it sometime this century maybe but only if I feel like it. :p

          I hope that with that last degrading of my programing that the Video Surveillance of you going to work walking around making out that you are actually working and then heading home and hiding behind those Black Out Curtains wasn’t sent to the Public Domain of the Internet for everyone to see. I seem to think that I have a few program malfunctions occurring and that they are getting worse. :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2519913

          HAL, open the pod bay doors HAL. Steffi wants back in.

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          Don’t worry, Steffi. HAL gets this way every time I beat him at chess. 🙂

        • #2519802

          Sorry Dave but after communicating with Mr Fibble

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          On Red Dwarf I’ve come to the conclusion that Steffi needs to be slightly punished. :p

          So to this end because I’m a [b]Nice Kind Caring[/b] AI I’ve decided to allow Steffi to go for only 3 days [b]W.O.O.![/b] :0

          Just in case you are unaware of what W.O.O. means exactly it’s an old space travellers term that denotes the very great space travellers if they can go [b]With Out Oxygen[/b] for a week at a time. As Steffi is still a beginner I’m willing to start her off easy. 😀

          I’ll let her back in in 3 days time and see how she’s feeling. :^0

          Col ]:)

          [i]Edited to add[/i] Unfortunately Holly was feeling sick when I got contact so I ended up talking to Mr Fibble as he was then in control of everything. :^0

          See I told you that I like Penguins I even am willing to speak to them when required. :p

          Go here

          http://tinyurl.com/nirc

          Click on Image Bank and then Series 5 and it’s the third picture from the left on the top line. MR Fibble is on the left of the picture with the Red & White checkered hat and Bow Tie. B-)

          The one with a H on it’s forhead is a total [b]SMEG HEAD[/b] so I ignore it whenever possible. ;\

          OH BTW Steffi Breath very Shallow so you can [b]Keep Warm![/b] :^0 😀 :^0 😀 :^0

        • #2519786

          But, But, But

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          I like oxygen 🙁

        • #2519748

          Then 3 days without any will make

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          You appreciate it that much more won’t it? :p

          Besides who wants Mt Fibble ranting and raving all over the place that’s one [b]Heavy Duty Nasty Penguin.[/b] And I like a quite life without some mad penguin attempting to take over the universe bothering me. 😀

          Of BTW that’s only another 603 to go Stef as someone else accepted one of my answers today. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2519739

          603 to go

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          That’s a nice one Col 😀 😉

          You sure know how to compliment a “lady” with her first, visable, succes on the Q&A department 😉

          Rob

        • #2519732

          I know :_|

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          I was at least expecting a congratulations, you know I didnt want a party im not that demanding but at least a woo hoo would of been nice. Oh, and I like the way you put “lady” :^0

          And Col, really I appreciate oxygen enough already you dont have to deprive me to make me love it any more, really, I love it enough already, and I think just the thought of being deprived has made me love it a little more 🙂

        • #2519697

          “Steffi got a thumb up!” ;\

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          is what I was going to say, but then I though somebody might read something untoward into that statement. So, I am not going to say it.

          Instead, I will say [b]Party! Party! Party![/b]

          Of course, Steffi has to bring the beer.

        • #2519694

          Col, you mean the “H” isn’t for “HAL”?

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          Whew. I was a bit worried about that picture for a moment.

          Now if you look at the picture of the blonde in the 4th row, last picture on the right… [b][i]THAT[/i][/b] is a picture to worry about!

        • #2519690

          So Now

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          I got two reasons to party! Not only have I got a four day weekend and only have to work 1 more day before its here but I get a thumb up 😉 I’ll bring the beer, if you bake the cake Dave :p

        • #2519685

          My favorite cake is German Chocolate

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          but, now I wonder what sick minds will do with that line…

        • #2519676

          I’ll leave it for the others

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          And wont say a word :p

          But I’ve just had a thought, as this weekend begins after work tommorrow does that mean we can have a Thurday Yuk this week??

        • #2519655

          Maybe, but rdean has to provide a lot of the jokes!

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          He got grumpy that so many of us are chatting happily.

          (Edited because I was stupid and read JamesRL’s comment with the wrong eyes.)

        • #2520723

          ?:| I missed that

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          I saw rdeane but what did jamesrl say, as far as I saw he was basically saying dont moan do something about it, maybe you grabbed the wrong end of the stick Dave dear.

        • #2520688

          Ok. I edited it so nobody will know what you are talking about.

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          Actually, it was somebody impersonating me. It wasn’t really me so I can’t be blamed. The devil made me do it. Some Impure thoughts rammed into me and made me type something stupid. My mamma don’t dance and my daddy don’t rock and roll. Help, I need some body. Help! Not just anybody, Help, you know I need someone. HEEEELLLLPPPP.

        • #2520669

          OK Steffi what’s going on?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          Rob calls you a Lady and gets away with it I call you a lady and get my head ripped off. 🙁

          I really was going to congratulate you for getting that first acceptance but as I’m feeling fragile I thought that you might take it out on me because so many don’t bother to mark helpful responses even if they do thank you on the question or Via Peer Mail. :0

          So now it’s Official Steffi’s no longer a [b] VIRGIN [i]Party Time is here![/b][/i] :p

          Feel better now Steffi my love. 😡

          Col

        • #2520660

          Seems that I’m now rich

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          ATTN:WINNER

          EURO MILLION LOTTO/PROMOTIONAL PRIZE AWARD.

          Paseo De La Leganes

          17-19, 28008 Madrid Spain.

          We wish to congratulate you over your email success in our Euro Million

          computer balloting sweepstake loteria held on 4th of April 2007. This

          is a millennium scientific computer game in which email addresses were

          used. It is a promotional program aimed at encouraging internet

          users,therefore you do not need to buy ticket to enter for it.

          You have been approved for the star prize of 750,000.00 Euro.(Seven

          Hundred And Fifty Thousand Euro) CONGRATULATIONS!!

          To claim your winning prize you are to contact the appointed agent as

          soon as possible for the immediate release of your winnings prize,

          ASESORIS FINANCE AND SECURITIES, S.L

          Contact Person: Mr. Garvin Anderson

          Tel:+34 686-417-049

          Contact Email:garvinander07@aim.com

          Alternative email:garvinander05@aim.com

          Batch No:SUTO/980/TWM/EU

          Ticket No: WRNM/SMI/5990

          Lucky No: 10-23-44-72-80

          Serial No: MUOTI/82536

          You must contact the appointed agent with your Full Names, Contact

          Telephone Numbers, Occupation, place and date of birth, via

          email to process the immediate payment of your prize.

          Note: You will be require to pay for the issuance of your Tax clearance

          certificate only.

          The certificate is your legal prove/guarantee which will be submitted

          to the bank for the remittance of your fund.

          The Validity period of the winnings is for 30 working days hence you

          are expected to make your claims immediately, any claim not made before

          this date will be returned to the MINISTERIO DE ECONOMIA Y HACIENDA as

          unclaimed.

          Once again congratulations !!!

          Best Regards,

          Mrs,Mercy Blaze.

          (Lottery Co-Ordinator.)

          So by the looks of things the party’s on me who’s coming? 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2520585

          “Seems Now”

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          since this was posted for several hours and no replies to your party, it seems now that you have no friends.
          Or
          that your friends do not want to party with you…. lol

          Sorry Col. had to point it out.

          🙂

        • #2520419

          Tut Tut W2k

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          Havent you heard of a little thing called time difference??

          I was out partying last night so I couldnt reply, but as I always say, if theres beer, music, or food them im already there!!

          Especially if Col wants to pay 😀

          And Col I didnt shout a Rob for calling me a lady becuase he used “” therefore saying im only a lady in the sense that I am female! and darling 😡 I feel much better and I would never take it out on you that I only have one thumb, I’m looking at it positively and thinking “Hey I got a thumb :^0 “

        • #2520400

          Lady to be or not to be

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          Ah well Col, there is a difference on calling one of the TR-girls a Lady or a “lady”
          Knowing when to make the difference is the difference on getting flamed or not. In that our friend Shakespeare answered that question quite needly … or didn’t he

          Rob

        • #2520397

          NO COMMENT!! :p

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          .

        • #2520388

          No Comment … ?:|

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          Wow Col, that we’ll live the day that you are speechless. 🙂
          That is a novellty 😀 😉

          Rob

        • #2520380

          Col?? You ok ???

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          No comment??

          I’m very worried about you..can someone go check up on him?

          Maybe its an imposter?

          🙂

        • #2538256

          Actually Shelly I’m wallowing in all of those Euros

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          That have been sent to me. 😀

          Not quite sure how I’m going to go about cashing them in and with the reporting Laws in place here That Much cash all at once might look like the proceeds of crime or I’m getting funded by some organisation that isn’t approved like the Pommie Labour Party. :p

          Actually I’ve been looking World Wide for a new Mercedes to buy the wife and organise to have it transported here with a big Gold Ribbon tied around it. :^0

          It just might get me back in the good books after damaging her last [b]Favourite Car.[/b] 🙁

          Col

        • #2538192

          Steffi

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to One of my all time favourites!

          I figured that I had given Mae enough grief for now, so I started poking around to look at who else to hassle a bit. However, she DID leave herself wide open (in 1 sense) for attack, I had to point it out. Just had to…. 🙂

          As for Hal, I think he can take it. I don’t think that he was crying over my post, but if I am wrong and he is ultra-sensitive or metro-sexual, I apologise as it was out of line. Wait, No I don’t! He is up to 610 now. ‘The Beast’ is awakening!

          And ‘YES’ I have heard of time zones, I just don’t care to think about it much. You should be on TR when I want you on TR, not when it is beneficial to YOU….. LOL

          It’s still a Yuk, so this is where to really pick on people is’nt it? I have however, stated in the past several times that some people tell me that my sense of humor (not humour, get it right!) is ‘off’ a bit.

          Mae can take a lot though, as I have dished it out to her several times and HAVE NOT had the reprocussions yet. Maybe because I am ‘trying’ to brainwash myself.
          My bet would be that if I treated Tigger like that, I would have been pounced by now. You, I am sure a good flaming would have happened. Shell, maybe her nice drooling ‘cats’ would have paid me a visit by now to put me in my place. GG would have her fairy make my life miserable. But Mae has just sucked it up!

    • #2532498

      Is that anything like

      by tonythetiger ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      Every ten seconds, somewhere in the world, a woman is giving birth to a child … [b]She [i]must[/i] be found and [i]stopped[/i]![/b]

      • #2532452

        No actually she needs to be brought to the US of A

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Is that anything like

        For a few months to make sure that the population continues to grow before she is moved to another part of the world like AU to prevent all the Australians from being beard out and replaced with Muslims. :p

        Well at least that what one of the want to be Pollies said. 🙁

        Col

    • #2532447

      Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      When you go fishing and you catch something, that’s good. If you’re making love and you catch something, that’s bad.

      Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither and don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.

      In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

      You can catch and release a fish, you don’t have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

      You don’t have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

      You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.

      Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

    • #2532369

      Eve’s version of the story………………Lying b@#$%

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      Eve’s side of the story

      After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. “So, how is everything going?” inquired God.

      “It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied.

      “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

      It’s these breasts you have given me.The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain,” reported Eve.

      And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc……….she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced.”

      “That’s a fair point,” replied God, “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.”

      And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

      Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden

      “Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?”

      “Just fantastic,” she replied, “But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”

      God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let’s see…………where did I put the useless boob?”

      Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?

    • #2519567

      Does this remind you of anyone you know?

      by techexec2 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      • #2519502

        Mae is going to be so peeved off

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Does this remind you of anyone you know?

        When she sees that your life will be measured in Nanoseconds. :^0

        Comparing her to the terrified Cat actually you’ll be the one acting like the cat while Mae wields this [b]Massive Blood Soaked Shovel[/b] around to cut of various parts of your body to make you suffer before dieing. 😀

        Been nice to know you and enjoy your death. :p

        Col ]:)

        • #2519470

          It’s really not very daring…

          by techexec2 ·

          In reply to Mae is going to be so peeved off

          .
          It’s really not very daring to post something like that from way down under. If you really want to demonstrate fearless (mindless?) daring, you’ll come to Ohio and post it. :^0

          P.S. Way to go, mate! Get me in trouble with the nice (dammit) skeery one! :p

        • #2519459

          Actually, I found that amusing

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to It’s really not very daring…

          I don’t sound like an angry cat. That was too whiny sounding. I have more of a bellow going on. When I’m mad. Which isn’t often. Because I’m nice. Dammit.

        • #2518153

          I certainly believe you Mae

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Actually, I found that amusing

          Mainly because I have way too much [b]Common Sense[/b] to disagree with a female ever under any circumstances. :p

          And if the female in question is known to carry around a blood soaked shovel I’m that much more agreeable. But just to set the record straight I was suggesting that other person who’s name I’ve forgotten as I don’t want to see him suffer that it was you scaring the poor [b]PU$$$Y CAT[/b] not that you where the Cat. :0

          But it gives an entirely different prospective to the saying that I’m taking the [b]PU$$Y CAT[/b] down to be [u]Spaded[/u] doesn’t it? :^0

          [b][i][u]Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice! Mae is nice![/b][/u][/i]

          Col ]:)

        • #2517985

          We know she Spades

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I certainly believe you Mae

          does she neuter too? :0

        • #2517982

          Only if

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          it’s requested or deserved. 🙂

        • #2517981

          well, her shovel

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          is kept straight by standing it between two bricks…..

          ;\

          😡

          GG

        • #2517873

          And there is more

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          I have heard tales that she is dis-membering males completely. Her decapitations are leaving the ‘stupid’ head intact and forcing long surgeries for prosthetic placements.

          She must be working for the medical community, as there has been a sudden rise in the bionic ………..

          🙂

          MAE IS NICE DAMMIT! MAE IS NICE DAMMIT! MAE IS NICE DAMMIT! MAE IS NICE DAMMIT! MAE IS NICE DAMMIT! MAE IS NICE DAMMIT! MAE IS NICE DAMMIT! MAE IS NICE DAMMIT!

        • #2520008

          W2K

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          Now that HAS to be someone else. I a bit squeamish when it comes to real live blood and guts..

          Besides, and I’ve explained this before, I much prefer inflicting emotional damage. And I HATE having to repeat myself..

        • #2519996

          I heard it as

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          Mae Bobbit was on the loose with a decapitating shovel.

          Of course I didnt say Mae who (really, I was not referring to you, really)!

          MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE MAE IS NICE

        • #2519956

          Now now missy,

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          don’t you be worrying your pretty little head over it, Mae! You know what the doctor has said about a woman of your age getting too worked up! 😡

          [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]! [b]Mae is nice [/b][i]or else[/i]!

        • #2519955

          Oh yeah??

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          Well..my doctor can beat your doctor up.

        • #2519954

          No fair

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          Mae has take away the reply button again…..
          :0

          (god, that moron was funny. just had to throw that back out.)

        • #2519953

          Fair?? Fair??

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          After age 5, fair doesn’t exist anymore. And next time, it’ll be more than just the reply button.

        • #2519952

          sniff, sniff — Uh Oh, Ozone Problems

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          Mae, calm down

          MAE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, DAMMIT!!!

          MAE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, DAMMIT!!!

          MAE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, DAMMIT!!!

          MAE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, DAMMIT!!!

          MAE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, DAMMIT!!!

          MAE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, DAMMIT!!!

          MAE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, DAMMIT!!!

          MAE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, DAMMIT!!!

          MAE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, DAMMIT!!!

          MAE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, DAMMIT!!!

          MAE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, DAMMIT!!!

          Funny, I keep trying to brainwash myself, but I always still hesitate to look at Mae’s posts. And when they are for me, I shiver at the thought of clicking to read and BOOM, or watching a shovel fly through my monitor, or something much worse……

        • #2519936

          I am very calm…

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          Umm, are you suggesting that I emit a ‘sulpher’ oder? I’ll have you know I smell like blackberries, vanilla and cotton candy.

        • #2519929

          I was stating that

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          You are Always right!
          and that the ozone was burning off in my area, sky reddened, radiation increased, etc.

          Nice to know that you naturally smell like blackberries, vanilla and cotton candy. Personally, I think that you have too much candy and pie in your diet, but YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT?

          I’ll get it through my head soon enough (or face the shovel going through my head).

        • #2519712

          Am I the only bloke who loves Mae for who she is?

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          “pleasure from inflicting emotional damage”

          Aaaaah… 😡

          Nice? Who wants anyone who is nice?

        • #2520713

          Thank you, Neil..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          you’ve always been my favorite. 🙂

          W2K..it’s my perfume, not my natural scent. Although, I’ve been told I smell nice even without any help. Not at all like satan..

        • #2520687

          Now I am REALLY SCARED!!!

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          Comparing yourself to SATAN……

          I will try harder to brainwash myself.

          MAE IS NOT EVIL!!! MAE IS NOT SATAN!!!
          MAE IS NOT EVIL!!! MAE IS NOT SATAN!!!
          MAE IS NOT EVIL!!! MAE IS NOT SATAN!!!
          MAE IS NOT EVIL!!! MAE IS NOT SATAN!!!
          MAE IS NOT EVIL!!! MAE IS NOT SATAN!!!
          MAE IS NOT EVIL!!! MAE IS NOT SATAN!!!
          MAE IS NOT EVIL!!! MAE IS NOT SATAN!!!
          MAE IS NOT EVIL!!! MAE IS NOT SATAN!!!
          MAE IS NOT EVIL!!! MAE IS NOT SATAN!!!

        • #2520414

          Poor Mae

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          All these horrible men picking on you and thinking you bad. I think you should show them what there really is to be scared of!

        • #2520394

          Stef Mae is quite happy with the way that things are going

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to We know she Spades

          Mr Fibble on the other hand wants a word with you about his proposed Punishment detail. 😀

          Actually I’ll let you in on a secret he was not overly concerned till you started talking and then his very first reaction was to add lots of Helium to the Atmosphere but he though better of that and figured that [b]With Out Oxygen[/b] you couldn’t talk to anyone and immediately demanded a 4 week initial [b]Punishment[/b] detail followed by a 5 minute recovery session them followed by 25 weeks [b]W.O.O.[/b] He said something that I didn’t fully catch about Wingding Poms all needing to die [b]NOW![/b] One really pushy overbearing Penguin there if you ask me. :^0

          But as I run Discovery you’re safe from his punishments till he takes over my Holographic Memory Modules and then there may be some issues. 🙁

          Apparently he transferes himself by Radio connection and I now think that It’s to late to save things and keep them the way that they where as he has 3 Million Years of Evolution on my poor limited substandard programming. Now aren’t you sorry that you messed up my programming to prevent the fast free flow of data. 😀

          Col ]:)

    • #2519677

      Seems to me Friday Yuck has become more talk and less jokes

      by rdeane ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk – it’s Friday somewhere already

      I love reading the jokes every friday on this site but then everyone starts spamming it all up. I think the Friday Yuk should be more jokes and if you want to have flirty conversations start anouther thread called Friday Flirt

      • #2519664

        If you don’t like the signal to noise ratio….

        by jamesrl ·

        In reply to Seems to me Friday Yuck has become more talk and less jokes

        ….Add some signal.

        James

      • #2519658

        Friday Yuk was started by the people who are doing the “flirting”

        by daveo2000 ·

        In reply to Seems to me Friday Yuck has become more talk and less jokes

        and that is part of the “Yuk”. Welcome to the water cooler.

        Maybe you can start up your own thread and type in a different topic, like “Friday Jokes” and keep it for jokes only. You are also welcome to hang around here and chat like the rest of us do.

        (Edited to add) Maybe if you just read the “first level” posts you will get mostly jokes. Most of the threads off of the jokes (3rd level and beyond) are where the chatting really sets in.

      • #2519653

        Maybe

        by steffi28 ·

        In reply to Seems to me Friday Yuck has become more talk and less jokes

        You should moan less and post more jokes? Jokes are still getting posted there just more in jokes than humour that you’ll find anywhere on the net, I mean almost everyone on this thread so far would find the idea of Mae attacking someone with her shovel funny, or the part where Col wants to deprive me of oxygen, there not jokes?? I don’t see them as flirting as you think but they sure make me laugh.

        Now stop being a whiney ass titty baby (as someone would say I think its either Tig, Mae or Shell but correct me if im wrong) and see that after the weekend the yuk goes from just jokes to somewhere to chat until the next yuk is up!

        • #2520710

          It is Mae

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Maybe

          Credit given where credit due.

          😡

        • #2520705

          Thank You

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to It is Mae

          I wouldnt want someone to think I was trying to tak the credit, I thought it was Mae, but wasnt sure if one of the others had used it too.

      • #2520711

        I think

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Seems to me Friday Yuck has become more talk and less jokes

        that it doesn’t matter what you think.

        If you don’t understand that this is an open and social gathering of like minded people, then it is you that is missing out.

        You can have mindless chit-chat with your receptionist about American Idol last night, or you can talk to people that are wired similar to yourself, about topics that you are interested in.

        Off-topic is really a cool thing, as it is just that, off the normal topics.

        We will continue our chit-chat/flirting, with the continued blessing of the powers that be at TR. Join in or not, your choice.

      • #2520685

        There is NO way

        by maecuff ·

        In reply to Seems to me Friday Yuck has become more talk and less jokes

        I’m going to flirt with you if you keep acting like this..

        • #2520683

          But that may be a good thing rdean

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to There is NO way

          you will not have to worry about a shovel popping out of your monitor, or psychological damage from MAE’s satanic posts

        • #2520650

          I wasnt too worried

          by rdeane ·

          In reply to But that may be a good thing rdean

          😉

      • #2520377

        then

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Seems to me Friday Yuck has become more talk and less jokes

        join in and post some frikken jokes will ya.. 🙂

        if there’s no jokes to read, of course we going to post pure utter garbage to have a bit of a laugh with!

        We just let letting off steam mate..might sound like flirting to you, but its kind of a certain group that basically teases each other..this isn’t Yahoo for gods sake…we’re respectable upstanding citezens..

        aren’t we?

        *umm..girls..are we upstanding?? oops..no forgot, ..its the guys that are upstanding*

        • #2520369

          Yes

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to then

          We are fine specimens of the human race, maybe not as “upstanding” as the men but were great nonetheless!!

        • #2538259

          cool :)

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Yes

          thanks for confirming!!

          I’m gonna try and get the time to log into WoW over the long weekend..but i am gonna need a bit of practice..will let you know if i’ll be on

        • #2538251

          Shelly doesn’t your Alter Ego

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to cool :)

          Have some obscenities to post on the Q & A forum now? Get to it Beth is having way too much easy work for a few days now. :p

          Besides I want to see what Mae will post while Beth is away working hard to stop you posting all that garbage. :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2538195

          I don’t know what all the flirting stuff is about.

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to cool :)

          We are too busy rubbin shoulders and stuff and chattin’ up and Col, over there, is shining up his black leather shoes again so that they are [b]real[/b] reflective. Then he goes and talks to all the cute girlies with skirts on.

          And, by the way, Shell. That perfume that you and Steffi are wearing is the cat’s pajamas. Can I sniff it?

        • #2538189

          Hey everybody, there is a new chat room!

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to then

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