01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
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Here's a little diddy I came up with (yes, this one is mine)
Women often wonder why men are sometimes irritable. It's really no mystery! When we're born, we are squeezed from our comfortable warm enclosure, we're prompty spatted on the butt til we scream, then we're thrown on the coldest set of scales the hospital can find which triggers our urination reflex. If we're lucky, we hit a nurse or maybe even the doctor with the urine stream, but normally they are prepared and block the stream so that we end up wetting ourselves. Then, before we even know we have the part, many times the doctors are cutting pieces off, calling it "circumcision, for our benefit"! After that, someone inevitably is poking a cold thermometer up our butt, putting stinging drops in our eyes, and sticking needles in our feet for "our protection". So, now that they have us in pain, crying in tears, they wrap the skimpiest blanket they can find as tight as they can in some strange ritual to simulate where we just came from...it fails of course. Then they throw us in a plastic bin, wheel us away to a room full of other mistreated souls, and tell the parents "Congratulations, you have a new bundle of joy!" Joy? Are you blind? I'm not happy here! All the while we're left screaming and cold. As if that weren't enough, the sadists decide to turn on the lights as bright as they can, perhaps some sort of torture mechanism to extract a confession? Don't they realize at that early age we can't speak? Finally, after an indeterminable amount of time, they allow our parents to at least hold us in an attempt to offer some comfort...but only for a short while! Then it's back to the lighted torture chamber with the rest of the unfortunate ones. To add insult to injury, the staff seems to derive some sort of demented pleasure from opening curtains to "viewing windows" and allowing our pain and suffering to be displayed for all the world to see. So, do you still wonder why men get irritable?
If you're asking for technical help, please be sure to include all your system info, including operating system, model number, and any other specifics related to the problem. Also please exercise your best judgment when posting in the forums--revealing personal information such as your e-mail address, telephone number, and address is not recommended.
Friday Yuk, July 20 2012
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into
Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to ****."