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Friday Yuk! - My first one

By JackOfAllTech ·
Tags: Off Topic
The Hunch-back of Notre Dame wants to retire so he decides to have open
auditions for his replacement. At the end of the first day of try-outs,
Quasimodo notices that the last applicant has no arms! "How can you ring the
bells without arms?" he asks. The man says he's sure he can do it and begs to
be given a chance.

When Quasimodo agrees, the man takes a few steps back, runs face first into a
bell and staggers back, stunned. Quasimodo says "That's fine but can you do
more than one?" The man takes a few steps back, runs toward the bells, misses,
falls off the tower and smashes onto the courtyard far below.

Quasimodo runs down the hundreds of steps and rushes out into the gathered
crowd. "Does anyone know who he was?" Someone in the crowd yells out "I don't
know his name but his face rings a bell!"

...
...
...

The next day, ANOTHER armless man applies for the job. He assures Quasimodo that he knows what the other man
did wrong and has learned from his mistake.

When Quasimodo reluctantly agrees, the man takes a few steps back, runs face
first into a bell and staggers back, stunned. Quasimodo says "The other guy did
that yesterday, but can you do more than one?" The man takes a few steps back,
runs toward the bells, also misses, also falls off the tower and also smashes
onto the courtyard far below.

Quasimodo again runs down the hundreds of steps and rushes out into the gathered
crowd. "Does anyone know who HE was?" Someone in the crowd yells out "I don't
know his name but he's a dead-ringer for that other guy!"

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happy friday

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk! - My first on ...

There was a couple, 85 years old, who had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. They were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

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a naughty one

by Shellbot In reply to happy friday

a wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the
hospital when, during
her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was
jacking off.

"oh my god!" screamed the woman.

"that's disgraceful! why is he doing that?"

the doctor that was leading the tour explained, "i am
very sorry... but
this man has a serious condition where his b*lls
rapidly fill with
***** if he doesn't do that five times a day, he'll
be in extreme
pain
and his testicles could rupture.

"oh, well in that case, i guess it's ok," commented
the woman.

in the very next room they could see that a nurse was
really going at it sucking a patients d1ck.
again the woman screamed "oh my god! how can that be
justified?"

the doctor replied...

"same illness, better health plan

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Dear Abby,

by Shellbot In reply to happy friday

Dear Abby,

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day,he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm
>in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Sincerely,
Bitchy in Boston

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Ain't fool'en no one

by jdclyde In reply to Dear Abby,

Mae doesn't live in Boston..... ;\

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Mae ... overhere ]:)

by rob mekel In reply to Ain't fool'en no one

Now JD I don't believe Mae deserves this kind of joke
unless she got to you with her shovel

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Actually Rob, has nothing to do with "deserve"

by jdclyde In reply to Mae ... overhere ]:)

and everything to do with sounding EXACTLY like that....

I don't see her disagreeing either, and her hubby has the red mark to prove it....

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Mmmm,

by rob mekel In reply to Actually Rob, has nothing ...

you're probably right ... no comments of Mae ... or she's putting her shovel into position

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Today's play on the Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman

by Shellbot In reply to happy friday

After having dug to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than a thousand years ago.

Not to be out done by the Scots, in the weeks that followed English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters and shortly after headlines in the U.K. newspapers read: 'English archaeologists have found traces of 2,000 year old fibre-optic cable' and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-Tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.

One week later Irish Newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists had found absolutely nothing. They therefore concluded that 5,000 years ago in Ireland its inhabitants were already using wireless technology.

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Bedtime

by Shellbot In reply to Today's play on the Paddy ...

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed..

Why are you stopping?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

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Men...

by Shellbot In reply to happy friday

All About Adam
Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself."

"Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."

Eve said, "A man! What's that?"

"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed."

"Sounds great!" said Eve.

"Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made HIM first."
********************
Going Out
A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm
going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''

The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''

The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''
********************
Build Me a Bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing is wrong' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
************************
Men Earrings
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."

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