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  • #2164634

    Friday Yuk! – My first one


    by jackofalltech ·

    The Hunch-back of Notre Dame wants to retire so he decides to have open
    auditions for his replacement. At the end of the first day of try-outs,
    Quasimodo notices that the last applicant has no arms! “How can you ring the
    bells without arms?” he asks. The man says he’s sure he can do it and begs to
    be given a chance.

    When Quasimodo agrees, the man takes a few steps back, runs face first into a
    bell and staggers back, stunned. Quasimodo says “That’s fine but can you do
    more than one?” The man takes a few steps back, runs toward the bells, misses,
    falls off the tower and smashes onto the courtyard far below.

    Quasimodo runs down the hundreds of steps and rushes out into the gathered
    crowd. “Does anyone know who he was?” Someone in the crowd yells out “I don’t
    know his name but his face rings a bell!”

    The next day, ANOTHER armless man applies for the job. He assures Quasimodo that he knows what the other man
    did wrong and has learned from his mistake.

    When Quasimodo reluctantly agrees, the man takes a few steps back, runs face
    first into a bell and staggers back, stunned. Quasimodo says “The other guy did
    that yesterday, but can you do more than one?” The man takes a few steps back,
    runs toward the bells, also misses, also falls off the tower and also smashes
    onto the courtyard far below.

    Quasimodo again runs down the hundreds of steps and rushes out into the gathered
    crowd. “Does anyone know who HE was?” Someone in the crowd yells out “I don’t
    know his name but he’s a dead-ringer for that other guy!”

All Comments

  • Author
    • #2801150

      happy friday

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one

      There was a couple, 85 years old, who had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. They were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
      One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
      He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”
      The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
      “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
      The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on earth.
      “What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man.
      “This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.”
      Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
      “Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”
      The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.
      “That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!”
      The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?”
      “Not unless you want to,” was the answer.
      “No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”
      “Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
      The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your stupid bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!”

      • #2801146

        a naughty one

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to happy friday

        a wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the
        hospital when, during
        her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was
        jacking off.

        “oh my god!” screamed the woman.

        “that’s disgraceful! why is he doing that?”

        the doctor that was leading the tour explained, “i am
        very sorry… but
        this man has a serious condition where his b*lls
        rapidly fill with
        semen if he doesn’t do that five times a day, he’ll
        be in extreme
        and his testicles could rupture.

        “oh, well in that case, i guess it’s ok,” commented
        the woman.

        in the very next room they could see that a nurse was
        really going at it sucking a patients d1ck.
        again the woman screamed “oh my god! how can that be

        the doctor replied…

        “same illness, better health plan

      • #2801145

        Dear Abby,

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to happy friday

        Dear Abby,

        My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day,he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I’m
        >in a good mood it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.

        Bitchy in Boston

        • #2801089

          Ain’t fool’en no one

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Dear Abby,

          Mae doesn’t live in Boston….. ;\

        • #2801085

          Mae … overhere ]:)

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Ain’t fool’en no one

          Now JD I don’t believe Mae deserves this kind of joke
          [i]unless she got to you with her shovel 😉 [/i]

        • #2801073

          Actually Rob, has nothing to do with “deserve”

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Mae … overhere ]:)

          and everything to do with sounding EXACTLY like that….

          I don’t see her disagreeing either, and her hubby has the red mark to prove it…. :p

        • #2801050


          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Actually Rob, has nothing to do with “deserve”

          you’re probably right … no comments of Mae … or she’s putting her shovel into position 😉 :p

      • #2801144

        Today’s play on the Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to happy friday

        After having dug to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than a thousand years ago.

        Not to be out done by the Scots, in the weeks that followed English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters and shortly after headlines in the U.K. newspapers read: ‘English archaeologists have found traces of 2,000 year old fibre-optic cable’ and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-Tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.

        One week later Irish Newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists had found absolutely nothing. They therefore concluded that 5,000 years ago in Ireland its inhabitants were already using wireless technology.

        • #2801143


          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Today’s play on the Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman

          One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

          Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

          The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed..

          Why are you stopping?” she whispered.

          He whispered back, “I found the remote.”

      • #2801142


        by shellbot ·

        In reply to happy friday

        All About Adam
        Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, “I’m lonely I’m tired of eating apples by myself.”

        “Okay,” God said, “I’ll create a man for you.”

        Eve said, “A man! What’s that?”

        “He’s a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won’t listen very well, he’ll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he’ll be fun in bed.”

        “Sounds great!” said Eve.

        “Oh, and one more thing,” God said. “He will want to believe that I made HIM first.”
        Going Out
        A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ”I’m
        going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.”

        The woman replied, ”Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?”

        The man replied, ”No, I’m turning the heat off.”
        Build Me a Bridge

        A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

        The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.”

        The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.”

        The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing is wrong’ and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

        The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
        Men Earrings
        A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

        This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

        The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

        “Don’t make such a big deal out of this, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

        His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

        “Ever since my wife found it in my truck…”

      • #2801141


        by shellbot ·

        In reply to happy friday

        4 men went golfing one day. Three headed to the first tee while the other went to the clbhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gavea friend a new home for free.” The second man said, “My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’s so successful that he gave a friend a brand new mercedes, fully loaded.” The third man not wanting to be outdone, bragged, “My son is a stockbroker, and is so successful that he gave a friend an entire portfolio.” The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking caring of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons.How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well my son is gay and and dances in a gay bar.” The others grew silent as he continued, “I’m not tottally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a stock portfolio and
        a brand new mercedes.”

        • #2801100

          Oh men :D

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to boyfriends


        • #2801081

          Hey Rob

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Oh men :D

          How ya doing!! You’re not around much anymore!
          Working too hard??

        • #2801076

          Hi Shellbot :x

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Hey Rob

          Well at the moment you’re right … the reason … holiday … that is the past one 🙂
          Loads of work waiting for me … that’s the bumm-site of holiday .. the bright site is IT WAS GREAT.
          Loads of Sun, great weather at nights 32C minimum and even more fun 🙂

          So how are you doing … fun … nice … great or …


          ps ‘ll send u a peer 😡

      • #2801068

        The difference between the great depression and Today

        by locrian_lyric ·

        In reply to happy friday

        Today, the investors want to PUSH the brokers out the windows.

    • #2801139


      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one

      You’ve been de-virginized !!!!

      How did it good as you expected ?

    • #2801108

      For the Uk investors

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one

      If you had purchased ?1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth ?4.95.

      With HBOS, earlier this week your ?1000 would have been worth ?16.50.

      ?1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than ?5.

      But if you bought ?1000 worth of Heineken Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminum re-cycling plant, you would get ?150.

      So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to booze heavily and re-cycle.

    • #2801098

      a blonde joke

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one

      A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.

      As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting,

      “BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO…..”

      She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts “BE SILENT!”

      There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot.

      She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,


    • #2801095

      some oldies..paddy irish..

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one

      Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’

      Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

      Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’
      Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

      The man said, ‘I do, Father.’

      The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

      Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

      ‘Certainly, Father,’ was the man’s reply.

      ‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

      Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

      O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’

      The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’

      O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.
      Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

      ‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’

      ‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’
      Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’

      ‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’

      ‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.

      ‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’

      She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’
      Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

      He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

      Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

      He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

      In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

      She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’

      Flynn said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’

      ‘Well,’ Mary said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

      • #2801094

        Chicken sandwiches

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to some oldies..paddy irish..

        A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
        Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
        Brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
        Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.
        He said, ‘Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?’
        She said ‘I love it but I have to stop eating it.’

        ‘Why?’ he asked.
        She pointed to her lap and said ‘Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!’
        ‘Let me see’ he said.
        ‘Okay’ and she pulled up her skirt.
        He looked and said, ‘That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.’
        He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
        To the little girl, ‘I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers
        Down there too!’ She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

        She said
        ‘Oh,my God, it’s too late for you! You’ve already got the NECK and GIBBLETS!!!

      • #2801093

        SICK LEAVE

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to some oldies..paddy irish..

        I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the
        Boss would not allow me to take leave.

        I thought that maybe if I acted ‘Crazy’

        Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

        So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny

        My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing.

        I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,
        So, that the Boss might think I was ‘Crazy’ and give
        me a few days off.

        A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and
        asked, “What in the name of good GOD are you doing?”

        I told him I was a light bulb.

        He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and
        recuperate for a couple of days.”

        I jumped down and walked out of the office…

        When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss
        asked her, “And where do you think you’re going?!”
        She said, ‘I’m going home too. I can’t work in the dark.”

      • #2801092

        WILL I LIVE TO BE 80?

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to some oldies..paddy irish..

        Sometimes you just have to ask yourself “Will I live to be 80?”
        I recently chose a new primary care physician.
        After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
        A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
        He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?”
        “No,” I replied. “I don’t do drugs, either..”
        Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
        I said, “No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!”
        “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach?”
        “No, I don’t,” I said.
        He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of s3x?”
        “No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”
        Then he looked at me and asked,
        “Then why do you give a sh!t?”

      • #2801061

        The Murphy brothers.

        by locrian_lyric ·

        In reply to some oldies..paddy irish..

        Each week, Murphy would go to their local pub and order 3 beers and drink them all. The bartender asked him why three beers.

        Murphy said, well a few years back, me brothers moved away. So, we said we’d all go and have a drink for each of us.

        One week, Murphy came in and ordered only two beers.

        The bartender said, “Oh, I’m sorry, did something happen”.

        Murphy replied, “Well, the wife has been going to church lately and she’s got it in her head that I should stop drinking, but it don’t affect me brothers none!”

    • #2801024

      Things to do in the bathroom stall…

      by bubba69 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one

      1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”

      2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”

      3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

      4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”

      5. Drop a marble and say, “oh shoot!! My glass eye!!”

      6. Say “Darn, this water is cold.”

      7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

      8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”

      9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”

      10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!!”

      11. Say, “Interesting….more sinkers than floaters.

      12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?”

      13. Say. “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!”

      14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”

      15. Say, “Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”

      16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

      17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

      18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

      19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”

      20. When you’re in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say “You got any more toilet paper over there, This side’s completely out.”

      • #2801010

        3 pregnant women

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to Things to do in the bathroom stall…

        There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman “in what position was the baby conceived?”

        “He was on top “, she replied.
        “You will have a boy!” the doctor exclaimed.

        The second woman was asked the same question.
        “I was on top “, was the reply.
        “you will have a baby girl. ” said the doctor.

        With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” asked the doc.
        “Am I going to have puppies??…..

      • #2801002

        Why e-mail is like a male’s um…

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to Things to do in the bathroom stall…

        1. Some people have it, some don’t.
        2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off.
        3. It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
        4. Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do.
        5. If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
        6. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours.
        7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
        8. If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
        9. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, “Why on earth did I do that?”
        It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will do the same damn dumb things it did before.

      • #2800978

        Unusual Funeral

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to Things to do in the bathroom stall…

        A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

        A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

        The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

        “My husband’s.”

        “What happened to him?”

        The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

        She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

        The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

        A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

        “Can I borrow the dog?”

        “Get in line.”

      • #2800974

        Don’t blame me… I didn’t write these.

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to Things to do in the bathroom stall…

        Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
        A. A widow.

        Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
        A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

        Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
        A: When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

        Q. How do you fix a woman’s watch?
        A. You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

        Q. Why do men break wind more than women?
        A. Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

        Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
        A. Divorced.

        Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
        A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

        Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
        A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

        Q. Why do women have breasts?
        A. So men will talk to them.

        Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
        A. They can’t stand to see a man have a good time.

        Q: What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
        A: A women who won’t do what she’s told.

        Q. What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
        A. A whine and cheese party

        Q. Why is it called PMS?
        A. Because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.

      • #2800971

        8 things you’ll never hear a woman say…

        by bubba69 ·

        In reply to Things to do in the bathroom stall…

        8. What do you mean today’s our anniversary?

        7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.

        6. Ohh, this diamond is way to big!

        5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being ‘just friends’

        4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

        3. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.

        2. I don’t care if it’s on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.

        1. Hey, pull my finger!

    • #2787323
    • #2787294

      Take a drink from the bottle.

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one

      Sorry I missed this. My bad.
      Anyway moving it over; here goes.

      A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a
      bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a

      The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello master, I will
      grant you one wish, anything you want.”

      The Russian begins thinking, “Well, I really like drinking
      vodka.” Finally the Russian says, “I wish to drink vodka whenever
      I want, so make me piss vodka.”

      The Genie grants him his wish.

      When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard
      and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it’s clear. Looks
      like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he
      takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

      The Russian yells to his wife, “Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!”

      She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another
      glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to
      drink up, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and
      takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two
      drink and party all night.

      The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his
      wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss
      in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is
      excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

      Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells
      his wife, “Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will
      drink vodka.”

      His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the
      table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills
      it his wife asks him,

      “But Boris, why do we need only one glass?”

      Boris raises the glass and says, “Because tonight, my love, you
      drink from the bottle.”

      [b]Dawg[b] ]:)

    • #2787292

      Nicoderm patch*

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one

      Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

      One of them looks at the other one’s penis and notices there’s a Nicoderm patch on it.

      He looks at the other priest and says, ‘I believe You’re supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.’

      The other one replies, ‘It’s working just fine. I’m down to two butts a day.’


      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2787291

      The Insatiable Genie

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one

      A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife
      promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house
      adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now
      we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, and see how much your lousy drive is
      going to cost us.”
      So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said,
      “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass
      was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near
      the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that
      broke my window?”
      “Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied. “Oh, no
      apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you, You see, I’m a genie, and
      I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released
      me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you
      don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

      “Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
      “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
      “No problem,” said the genie, “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll
      guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?”
      the genie asked.
      “I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the
      world,” she said.
      “Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from
      fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
      “And now,” the couple asked in unison, “what’s your wish, Genie?”
      “Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in
      more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
      The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have
      a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
      She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right.
      Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you,
      “You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. “I’d do the same for you!”
      So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
      afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours
      of nonstop sex, the Genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and
      asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
      “We’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly. “Really?” he says. “Thirty-five
      years old and both of you still believe in genies?”

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2787289

      Job Application

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one

      A man applies for a job at the Post Office.

      The interviewer asks him, ‘Are you allergic to anything?’

      He says ‘Yes – just caffeine’

      ‘Have you ever been in the service?’

      ‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I was in Iraq for two years.’

      The interviewer says, ‘That will give you five extra points toward employment,’ and then asks, ‘Are you disabled in any way?

      The guy says, ‘Yes IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.’

      The interviewer tells the guy, ‘O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 – and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.’

      The guy is puzzled and says, ‘If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don’t you want me to be here before 10 AM?

      ‘This is a government job,’ the interviewer says. ‘For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2787288

      It’ll look great in the shower!!!

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one

      A group of four men often got together to play racquetball. After
      the game, three of the men showered in the locker room, and then
      went and had a few drinks in the club bar. After this had been
      going on for some time, one of the three men asked the man who
      always left first, “How come you never hang around and get
      showered and have a few drinks with us?”

      The fourth man seemed a little embarrassed, but he admitted that
      he didn’t want to be seen in the shower with the other men
      because he felt his penis was too small.

      So the first man asked, “Does your penis work?”

      “Of course,” said the fourth man, “it works extremely well.”

      So the first man asked, “Would you like to trade it in for one
      that looks great in the shower?”

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2787287

      A rusty old thing.

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one

      There was this little elderly man one day who got out of his
      rocking chair and told his little old wife he would be back in a
      little while.

      She looked up at him from her rocker and asked, “where you going?

      He replied “I’m gonna go get me some of them there Viagra’s at
      the doctors’ office”

      She didn’t say anything just got up and started putting on her

      “Where you going?” the old man asked

      She just smiled and said, “If you’re gonna start using that old
      rusty thing again, I’m gonna go get me a tetanus shot!”

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2787124

      Have you got change???

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one

      One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that
      business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

      As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a
      tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, “I’m
      sorry, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I’m a
      doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I’m trying to
      integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community.
      Why don’t I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday.
      You’ll have some customers and my patients will have a night

      Well, the publican isn’t sure but the thought of more paying
      customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees.

      The following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses
      shows up with about ten lunatics.

      He says to the publican, “They might try to pay for their drinks
      in unusual ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put
      it all on a tab and I’ll settle up at closing time.”

      The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and
      encouraging the loonies to eat chips and peanuts. The loonies
      have a great time, getting drunk and paying for their drinks with
      empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags and plastic shopping

      At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just
      over two hundred dollars! The guy with the glasses and the tweed
      jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to
      the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The
      publican, feeling that he’s charged them rather a lot and feeling
      he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives
      him a discount.

      “Let’s call It $150,” he says.

      The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, “That’s fine. Have
      you got change for a garbage can?”

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2785851

      The best HMO

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one

      A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he will be working
      in. He walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating
      non-stop, and asks the doctor why the man was doing such a thing
      out in the open?

      The doctor replies, “Oh he has a medical condition where the
      sperm builds up quickly in his body, he has to masturbate
      constantly or he will explode.”

      “Oh, I see,” says the intern.

      They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on
      a stretcher getting a blohwjob from a nurse.

      Again, he asks the doctor “What’s up with that?”

      The doctor says, “Same condition, better medical plan.”

      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2786710

      And That’s When the Fight Started

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one


      I heard my wife crying in the bathroom. “Honey? What’s wrong” I asked.

      “Oh, George! Just look at me: I’m getting so old! I have more gray in my hair than blonde, I have varicose veins on both of my legs, and I’m just fat and wrinkled all over! I really need someone to say something positive about me right now!”

      I looked deeply into her eyes and said softly: “Your vision’s real good, honey. That’s something, isn’t it?”

      And that’s when the fight started….

      – – –

      When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.

      So I took her to a gas station.

      And that’s when the fight started….

      – – –

      My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

      My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

      “Yes,” I sighed, “She was my senior year girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

      “My God!” says my wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

      And that’s when the fight started….

      – – –

      I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

      It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

      So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

      And that’s when the fight started….

      – – –

      My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

      “No,” she answered.

      I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

      She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

      So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

      And that’s when the fight started….

    • #2786508
      Avatar photo

      It’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month…

      by Tammy.Cavadias ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk! – My first one

      ..and next month we get to vote some boobs out of office 😉

      -Tammy 🙂

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