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  • #2235562

    FRIDAY YUK – Official! Queen Gadget says so!!

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    by neilb@uk ·

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    Replies
    • #2615294

      me, too….

      by gadgetgirl ·

      In reply to FRIDAY YUK – Official! Queen Gadget says so!!

      reminds me of the instructions with a Yank iron that stated “do not use on clothes whilst wearing…..”

      It shouldn’t surprise me, though – whilst picking up a script from the chemists the other week, I saw a box of suppositories with the instructions in huge bold font on the back “DO NOT SWALLOW”…….

      …… grief ………….

      😀

      GG

      • #2615267

        Visit to the doctor

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to me, too….

        A man is having “issues going”.

        He goes to see the doctor, who prescribes some suppositories for him and tells him to come back in a week.

        A week later the man comes back, and the doctor asks if the suppositories did the trick.

        “hell no, they didn’t do a thing for me! For all the good they did, I could have just shoved them up my a$$!”

        😀

      • #2614546

        Iron

        by rpip ·

        In reply to me, too….

        Sorry, m’lady. Can’t be a Yank iron if it says ‘whilst’ on the instructions. Must be a knock-off from your side of the pond.

        • #2614538

          soreeeeeeeee!

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Iron

          I autocorrect as I type….. the pedant in me makes me do it…..

          😉

          GG

          ]:)

        • #2614521

          How Ironic.

          by locrian_lyric ·

          In reply to Iron

          😉

        • #2614437

          NO MORE THE SHARP HEDGES

          by dr dij ·

          In reply to Iron

          While stocking up on canned goods, for the inevitable quake that will occur out here in La La Land, California, I decided that I should include a can opener to keep in the van. Didn’t need to be expensive. I grabbed one at the $.99 store. Metal, with plastic turning thing, looked easier to use than those army type mini openers.

          What caught my eye, was the card it was twistied to. You can see that English is not the copy-writer’s native language, and probably why the item ended up in the $.99 store. BTW, it works fine. This is how it was on the card, letter for letter.

          On the bright side, look how much money they must have saved in translation fees.

          WONDER FUL CAN-OPENER-L’
          WONDERFULL CAN OPENER.
          ‘NO MORE THE SHARP EDGES OF THE CANS’
          ‘THE NEW PROCESS OF LATERAL CUTTING OPEN ALL THE CANS WITH TOTAL SECURITY WITH CUTTING UNDER THE COVER’
          ‘THE COVER REMAIN ATTACHED UN-
          TIL YOU THROW IT IN THE DUST bin’

          -AVANTAGE:
          WHEN YOU REMOVE THE COVER,
          THE HEDGES ARE COMPLETELY
          ELIMINATED.NO MORE INJURIES
          OF HAND OR FINGERS WHEN YOU
          HANDLE THE COVER.

          -HYGIENIC:
          THE ACTION OF LATERAL CUTTING IS MADE UNDER THE COVER.
          THIS SYSTEM AVOID THE DIRTY OVER TO FALL IN THE FOOD.
          THE FOOD IS NEVER IN CONTACT WITH THE WHEEL OF THE CAN
          OPENER.

          -DISH MACHINE WASHABLE.

          -ATTENTION:
          AVOID THE CONTACT WITH THE TOP OF THE TIN
          CAN WHICH MAY HAVE THE SHARP EDGES.

          MADE IN CHINA/FABRIQUE EN CHINE

          (no more sharp HEDGES? 🙂

        • #2614420

          Sharp Hedges hurt

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to NO MORE THE SHARP HEDGES

          especially when you are trying to hide in them.

        • #2614378

          Ok but

          by dr dij ·

          In reply to Sharp Hedges hurt

          just don’t try opening your can with them!

          Avoid the dirty over to fall in!

          The hedges are completely eliminated!

          Did you see the link in other discussion to ‘rock snot’, didymo species?

      • #2614520

        Why did you yank an iron anyway?

        by locrian_lyric ·

        In reply to me, too….

        :p

      • #2614509

        There’s a reason…

        by gsg ·

        In reply to me, too….

        for those labels. Someone, somewhere, has done EXACTLY what they are warning against, and sued. It’s like the dummy who ordered coffee from McDonalds, spilled it, and sued because it scalded her. Hello!!!! You ordered HOT coffee! Of course it will scald you. I can’t believe she got millions out of that.

      • #2614495

        funny labels….

        by heml0ck ·

        In reply to me, too….

        Liquid Plummer:
        Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

        Windex:
        Do not spray in eyes.

        Bowl Fresh:
        Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.

        Toilet Plunger:
        Caution: Do not use near power lines.

        Dremel Electric Rotary Tool:
        This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

        Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter:
        Safe to use around pets.

        Endust Duster:
        This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commission Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.

        Baby Oil:
        Keep out of reach of children

        Little Ones Baby Lotion:
        Keep away from children

        Hair Coloring:
        Do not use as an ice cream topping.

        Wet-Nap:
        Directions: Tear open packet and use.

        Dial Soap:
        Directions: Use like regular soap.

        Stridex Foaming Face Wash:
        May contain foam.

        Hairdryer:
        Do not use while taking a shower.

        Old Spice Red Zone Deodorant:
        Use only on underarms.

        Zantac 75:
        Do not take if allergic to zantac.

        Sleeping Pills:
        Warning: May cause Drowsiness

        Christmas Lights:
        Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.

        Bic Lighter:
        Ignite lighter away from face.

        Komatsu Floodlight:
        This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.
        Fire Extinguisher:
        Caution: Non-flammable

        Earplugs:
        These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe.

        Mattress:
        Warning: Do not attempt to swallow.

        Matches:
        Caution: Contents may catch fire.

        Pepper Spray:
        Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.

        Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor:
        Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.

        Fix-a-Flat:
        WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.

        Rain Gauge:
        Suitable for outdoor use.

        RCA Television Remote Control:
        Not Dishwasher Safe.

        Pine Mountain Fire Logs:
        Caution: Risk of fire.

        Triops Fish Food:
        Warning: Not for human consumption.

        Home Depot Treated Lumber:
        Do not consume.

        Hair Dryer:
        Warning: Do not use while sleeping.

        Road Sign:
        Caution water on road during rain.

        Camera:
        This camera will only work when film is inside.

        Road Sign:
        Cemetery Road. Dead End.

        Church Parking Lot Sign:
        Thou shalt not park.

        Children’s Superman Costume:
        Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

        Silk Soy Milk:
        Shake well and buy often.

        Air Conditioner:
        Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.

        Slush Puppy Cup:
        This ice may be cold.

        American Airlines Peanuts:
        Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

        Nabisco Easy Cheese:
        For best results, remove cap.

        Swanson TV Dinners:
        This product must be cooked before eating.

        Hershey’s Almond Bar:
        Warning: May contain traces of nuts.

        Heinz Ketchup:
        Instructions: Put on food.

        500-piece puzzle:
        Some assembly required.

        Beach Ball:
        CAUTION: This is not a life saving device.

        Chainsaw:
        Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.

        Sears hairdryer:
        Do not use while sleeping.

        Bag of Fritos:
        You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

        Bar of Dial soap:
        Directions: Use like regular soap.

        Swann frozen dinners:
        Serving suggestion: Defrost.

        Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
        Fits one head.

        Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
        Do not turn upside down.

        Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
        Product will be hot after heating.

        Packaging for a Rowenta iron:
        Do not iron clothes on body.

        Boot’s Children’s cough medicine:
        Do not drive car or operate machinery.

        Nytol sleep aid:
        Warning: may cause drowsiness.

        String of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
        For indoor or outdoor use only.

        Japanese food processor:
        Not to be used for the other use.

        Sainsbury’s peanuts:
        Warning: contains nuts.

        Korean kitchen knife:
        Warning! Keep out of children

        Helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:
        Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.

        New Zealand insect spray:
        This product not tested on animals.

        Blanket from Taiwan:
        Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

        Infant’s bathtub:
        Do not throw baby out with bath water.

        Package of Fisherman’s Friend throat lozenges:
        Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

        Disposable razor:
        Do not use this product during an earthquake.

        Bottle of shampoo for dogs:
        Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

        Curling Iron:
        Warning: This product can burn eyes.

        Hair Dryer:
        Do not use in shower.

        Hand-held Massaging Device
        Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.

        Case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket:
        Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.

        A toilet at a public sports facility:
        Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.

        Pair of shin guards made for bicyclists:
        Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

        Container of Underarm Deodorant:
        Caution: Do not spray in eyes.

        Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter:
        Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.

        Toner cartridge for a laser printer:
        Do not eat toner.

        13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow:
        Not intended for highway use.

        Novelty rock garden set called “Popcorn Rock”:
        Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.

        A frisbee:
        Warning: May contain small parts.

        A toilet bowl cleaning brush:
        Do not use orally.

        A birthday card for a 1 year old:
        Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.

        Heated seat cushion:
        Warning: Do not use on eyes.

        Microwave Oven:
        Do not use for drying pets.

        Electric Cattle Prod:
        For use on animals only.

        Can of air freshener:
        For use by trained personnel only.

        Silly Putty:
        Do not use as ear plugs.

        Knife sharpening stone:
        Warning: knives are sharp!

        Deodorant:
        Do not use intimately.

        Rat Poison:
        Warning: Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

        Portable stroller:
        Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.

        Dashboard of a mail truck:
        Look before driving.

        Sign at a British underground station:
        Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

        Bottom of a supermarket dessert box:
        Do not turn upside down.

        Package of dice:
        Not for human consumption.

        Bottled Drink:
        Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.

        Shipment of hammers:
        May be harmful if swallowed.

        Manual for an SGI computer:
        Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.

        Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle:
        Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.

        Electric Thermometer:
        Do not use orally after using rectally.

        Packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain:
        Turn off motor before using this product.

        6×10 inch inflatable picture frame:
        Not to be used as a personal flotation device.

        Box of bottle rockets:
        Do not put in mouth.

        Wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack:
        Remove plastic before eating.

        Box for a car jack:
        For lifting purposes only.

        Instructions for a cordless phone:
        Do not put lit candles on phone.

        Small print from car commercial which shows a car in the ocean:
        Do not drive cars in ocean.

        Small print from a car commercial which shows a vehicle “body-surfing” at a concert:
        Always drive on roads. Not on people.

        Bus Stop:
        No stopping or standing.

        Church Sign:
        These rows reserved for parents with children.

        Credit card statement:
        Payment is due by the due date.

        Laundromat triple washer:
        No small children.

        Sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building:
        Take care: new non-slip surface.

        Box of Pills:
        Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone.

        Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11:
        Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.

        Can of black pepper:
        Instructions: usage known.

        Bag of cat biscuits:
        Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants.

        Car Manual:
        In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.

        Espresso Kettle:
        The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the ‘on’ position.

        T.V. manual:
        Do not pour liquids into your television set.

        Label on a hammer:
        Caution – Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object.

        VCR box:
        Instructional video on hooking up VCR included.

        Toilet brush:
        Do not use for personal hygiene.

        Black rubber fishing worm:
        Not for human consumption.

        Orange Juice Can:
        100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate.

        Depend Adult Diapers:
        Step into underwear and pull them on just like regular underwear.

        Furniture Wipes:
        Do not use for a baby wipe.

        Stickers to put on the seat of a potty training toilet:
        This is not a toy. Stickers require adult supervision.

        Lawnmower:
        Warning: When Motor Is Running – The Blade Is Turning.

        Instructions on the bottom of a grocery store pizza:
        Do not turn upside down.

        Bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle:
        Do not open here.

        Bottle of bathtub cleaner:
        For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.

        Container of lighter fluid:
        WARNING: Contents flammable!

        Box of household nails:
        CAUTION! – Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!

        Microwave popcorn, packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless you open the plastic and unfold it:
        Direction #1: Remove plastic.

        Drink bottle label:
        Do not peel label off.

        Woolite carpet cleaner:
        Safe for carpets, too!

        Box of Frosted Cheerio’s:
        The logo, “Tastes so good this box never closes,” is located just underneath another announcement: “To close: place tab here.”

        Sterno:
        Do not use near fire or flame.

        Container of salt:
        Warning: High in sodium.

        Hose Nozzle:
        Do not spray into electrical outlet.

    • #2615221

      Medical Record Blunders

      by dadspad ·

      In reply to FRIDAY YUK – Official! Queen Gadget says so!!

      1. The skin was moist and dry.

      2. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)

      3. The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

      4. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

      5. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

      6. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

      7. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

      8. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

      9. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

      10. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

      11. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

      12. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

      13. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that pen light?)

      14. She is numb from her toes down.

      15. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!)

      16. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

      17. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)

      18. The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

      19. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

      20. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

      21. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

      22. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

      23. We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter.

      24. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

      25. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

      26. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

      27. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

      28. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

      29. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

      30. Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

      31. The patient refused an autopsy.

      32. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

      33. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

      34. The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

      35. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

      36. The patient had a rash over his truck.

      37. Dictation blunder: lasar radar response (as opposed to vagovagal response).

      • #2615220

        The Dress of Love

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to Medical Record Blunders

        An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter: “What are you doing naked?” The daughter responds: “This is the dress of love.” When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her: “What are you doing naked, woman?” She responds: “This is the dress of love.” And he said to her, “Well, go iron it first.”

        • #2614551

          Hmmmmmm…..

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to The Dress of Love

          The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

        • #2614550

          Prescriptive compliance

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Hmmmmmm…..

          A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an ear ache.

          He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it.

          Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

          The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: “Put two drops in R ear every four hours.”

        • #2614549

          Doctor, it hurts here, and here, and here…. :D

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Prescriptive compliance

          A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
          “It hurts when I press here” (pressing his side)
          “And when I press here” (pressing the other side)
          “And here” (his leg)
          “And here, here and here” (his other leg, and both arms)

          So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong… “You’ve got a broken finger!

        • #2614540

          Doctor Vs. Mechanic

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Doctor, it hurts here, and here, and here…. :D

          Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, “Hey DeBakey…Is dat you? Come over here a minute.”

          The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, “So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind ’em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?”

          DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away and said softly, to Morris, “Try doing your work with the engine running.”

        • #2614512

          Hospital Ranks

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Doctor Vs. Mechanic

          Surgeon:
          Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
          Is more productive than a train
          Is faster than a speeding bullet
          Walks on water
          Talks with God

          Internist:
          Leaps short buildings in a single bound
          Is more powerful than a switch engine
          Is faster than a speeding BB
          Walks on water if the sea is calm
          Talks with God if special request is approved

          General Practitioner:
          Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
          Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
          Can fire a speeding bullet
          Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
          Is occasionally addressed by God

          Resident:
          Barely clears a picket fence
          Loses tug-of-war with a train
          Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
          Swims well
          Talks with animals

          Intern:
          Makes high skid marks on a wall when trying to leap buildings
          Is run over by a train
          Is not issued ammunition
          Dog paddles
          Talks to walls

          Medical Student:
          Runs into buildings
          Recognizes a train 2 out of 3 times
          Wets himself with a water pistol
          Cannot stay afloat without a life preserver
          Mumbles to himself

          Nurse:
          Lifts buildings and walks under them
          Kicks trains off the track
          Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them
          Freezes water with a single glance
          The Nurse IS God!!!!

        • #2614397

          As a former nurse

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Doctor Vs. Mechanic

          I agree with you completely!

        • #2614470

          Actually 2+2=3…

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to Hmmmmmm…..

          Take 1 piece of paper, tear it. You have 2 pieces of paper. Take 1 of those pieces of paper, tear it. You have 2 pieces of paper + the 1 untorn piece of paper. Voila! 2+2=3!

        • #2614449

          Well, you are certainly not neurotic :D

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Actually 2+2=3…

          ]:)

        • #2614440

          Hows this one? :D

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Actually 2+2=3…

          Neurotics build castles in the air.

          Psychotics live in them.

          Psychiatrists are the people who collect the rent.

      • #2614547

        Funny, I can’t see you anywhere downstairs…..

        by gadgetgirl ·

        In reply to Medical Record Blunders

        but you’re obviously in the Patient Info office in here somewhere……

        😉

        GG
        ]:)

      • #2614508

        Moving Tree

        by gsg ·

        In reply to Medical Record Blunders

        I worked in Medical Records for years and came across a dictation by a doctor where he said, “the accident occurred when the dog tried to avoid the tree that ran in front of him turned the wheel and wrapped his car around the patient.” I would have loved to have seen that one.

      • #2614490

        Some doctor jokes 1

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to Medical Record Blunders

        Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news? Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

        ———————————–

        Patient: Doctor, I’ve got five p@nises. Doctor: Well, how do your pants fit? Patient: Like a glove.

        ——————————

        Patient walks into a doctor’s office. Patient: Doctor, people ignore me. Doctor: Next!

        ———————————

        Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and smoking, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

        ——————————–

        Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

        ———————————

        A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. “Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday,” she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. “I can’t,” says the woman. “That’s the only night I’m home with my husband.”

        —————————–

        A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: “What are you doing here today?” Woman: “Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for it.” Man: “Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.” The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?” Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh unh.”

        • #2614484

          Some doctor jokes 2

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Some doctor jokes 1

          An elderly couple decide to have a baby, so they go to the doctor to get a physical examination of the wife. The wife is delared in perfect health, but the doctor says that he also would need to check the husband’s semen in order to accurately advise the couple. The husband is a bit taken aback, and says, “Listen, I’m getting old. I can only “do that” about once a week.” The doctor answers that he understands perfectly and gives the couple a vial, telling the husband to come back next week with a semen sample. The next week, the husband comes in with an empty vial. The perplexed doctor asks the husband what went wrong. The husband answers, “Well…I tried it with my right hand and I tried it with my left hand, I tried hot water, I tried cold water, I tried soap, my wife tried it with her hand, my wife even tried it with her mouth, I even tried banging it against the sink…but we still couldn’t get the top off the damn bottle!”

          —————————-

          This guy goes into a doctors and says, “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help me. I just can’t stop having sex!” “Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks. “Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day,” he answers back. “That’s not so much,” says the doctor. “Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man. “Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor. “Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day,” says the man. “Well, that’s definitely too much,” says the doctor. “You’ve got to learn to take yourself in hand.” “I do,” says the man. “Twice a day.”

          ——————————–

          A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ‘H’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest. “Let me guess, you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Washington State. Why do you ask?”

        • #2614473

          Doctor jokes 3

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Some doctor jokes 2

          This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say, “I could really go for an ice cream cone.” Hubby replies, “Well, I’ll go get you one.” Wife says, “But, you’ll forget, you better write it down.” Hubby replies, “No I won’t; what do you want?” Wife says, “Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.” Hubby replies, “Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I’ll remember. Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns. The wife asks him, “What took you so long, did you get lost.” The hubby replies, “No, and I got what you wanted.” The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?! Wife says, “I knew you you should have written the order down.” Hubby says, “What do you mean – every thing is there?” To which the wife replies, “No, it’s not…look, you forgot the pickles.”

          ———————————-

          It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden. Neighbor asks, “Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?” Ed replies, “Well, it was…hmmm…let me think a minute… What’s the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems…? Neighbor says, “You mean a rose?” Ed replies, “Yeah, that’s it…(turning toward his wife) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor’s name?

          ——————————-

          An anxious woman goes to her doctor. “Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?” “Certainly,” replies the doctor, “Where do you think lawyers come from?”

          ————————————

          A fellow goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem that I am always f@rting all of the time. Although they don’t smell, they do make loud noises, and it is affecting my social life.” The doctor gives him some pills and asks him to return next week. He returns, and says, “Those pills did no good. In fact they made things worse. I still f@rt as much, but now they smell terrible.” To which the doctor replies, “Good! Now that we have your nose working again, let’s work on your f@rting.”

          ———————————–

          An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, “I need my sex drive lowered.” The doctor, incredulous, says, “What?? You want your sex drive lowered??” To which the old man replies, “It’s all in my head; I need it LOWERED!”

          —————————

          What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

          ———————————

          Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a hotdog and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the hotdog, and finally the cookie up the guy’s a$$. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a hotdog and a cookie up his a$$. Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a hotdog and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the hotdog up the patient’s a$$. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his a$$hole and demanded, “Where’s my cookie!?” WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • #2614441

          The Evolution of Medicine

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Doctor jokes 3

          I have an earache …

          2000 BC – Here, eat this root.
          1000 AD – That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
          1850 AD – That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
          1940 AD – That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
          1985 AD – That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
          2000 AD – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

        • #2614438

          Excellent! :)

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to The Evolution of Medicine

          .

        • #2614434

          Suggestion for the Automated Switchboard of a Psychiatric Hospital.

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to The Evolution of Medicine

          Thank you for calling.

          If you are obsessive-compulsive, press ‘1’ repeatedly.

          If you are co-dependent, ask someone else to press ‘2’.

          If you have multiple personalities, press ‘3’, ‘4’, ‘5’ and ‘6’.

          If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; just stay on the line and we will trace the call.

          If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you which number to press.

          If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press, we won’t answer your call anyway.

          ( If you are a GP, forget about referring a patient because there aren’t any beds. )

        • #2614432

          Nothing Up His Sleeve

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Suggestion for the Automated Switchboard of a Psychiatric Hospital.

          A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like crazy. I mean laughing real hard.

          All the doctors and nurses were examining the little new born in front of the worried parents, but he kept laughing. He laughed, hands in tight fists, until tears were rolling down his cheeks.

          During the initial exam, the pediatrician slowly unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right. Nobody in the room believed what was found in the baby’s hand.

          A birth control pill!

      • #2614431

        Brain Transplant

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to Medical Record Blunders

        A man went to see his doctor. The doctor came in and said, “Well, I’ve got some good news for you and some bad news for you. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is that this hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants.

        Yesterday, there was a terrible accident right in front of the hospital and a young couple was killed. You can have which ever brain you like. The man’s brain will cost you $100,000 and the woman’s brain will cost you $30,000.”

        The patient could not help but ask, “Why is there such a large difference between the cost of the male brain and the cost of the female brain?”

        “The male brain has hardly been used!” replied the doctor.

        • #2614430

          Agony on the Green

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Brain Transplant

          A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

          The ball hit one of the men in his ‘middle regions, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

          The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow.”

          “Ummph, oooh, nnoooh, I’ll be all right … I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

          But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his private parts. She then asked him, “How does that feel?”

          “It feels great,” he replied, “but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

        • #2614428

          The Price of Priapism

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Agony on the Green

          A young man walked into a pharmacy run by two older never married sisters. One was at the prescription counter, and he asked her what she could give him for his Priapism. She said she would have to consult her sister in the stockroom.

          She disappeared for a few minutes, then came back and said, “The best we can do is $10,000 and the store.”

        • #2614427

          You pay if doubt a diagnosis

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to The Price of Priapism

          A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help.

          The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

          The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”

          The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The labrador sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

          The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650”.

          “$650 to tell me my dog is dead !” exclaimed the man ….

          “Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”

        • #2614426

          The Heimlich Manoeuvre

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to You pay if doubt a diagnosis

          Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger.

          She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. One said to the other “That there gal is having a bad time!” The other agreed and said, “Think we should go help ?”. “You bet,” said the first, and with that he ran over and said, “Can you speak ?” She shook her head no. He said “Can you breathe ?” She again shook her head, no.

          With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

          Back to his friend, he said “Funny how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works.”

    • #2614541

      Help! I’m being held prisoner by

      by daveo2000 ·

      In reply to FRIDAY YUK – Official! Queen Gadget says so!!

      Col and Steffi! They are trying to make me do IMPURE THINGS!

      Help! I’m mmmph gmmmmph ummpthththff gaaaaaaaahhhh!! :p

      • #2614535

        So THAT’s where you are!

        by gadgetgirl ·

        In reply to Help! I’m being held prisoner by

        I wondered where they’d got you!

        Now.

        Are you going to come over to the Impure side gracefully, or do I have to hit the blush button again?

        GG

        (Good to see you – you ok? Where you bin? and don’t say it’s in the kitchen…..! 😉 )

      • #2614522

        You’ll find no ally here…

        by locrian_lyric ·

        In reply to Help! I’m being held prisoner by

        I scored a 20 on the purity test.

      • #2614516

        Admit it

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Help! I’m being held prisoner by

        You like it dave..being held prisoner..tied up..Steff chatting away a million miles an hour about all sorts of girly stuff..

        we’ve heard all your objections before..we’re not falling for it this time..
        ]:)

        we’re onto you dave..
        🙂

        Now where ya been like???

    • #2614518

      New Jersey

      by locrian_lyric ·

      In reply to FRIDAY YUK – Official! Queen Gadget says so!!

      If that isn’t good for a few laughs, nothing is.

      108 politicians convicted for corruption in the last 5 years, 11 more indighted yesterday.

      When you leave this fine state, please check your wallet then count your fingers, toes, close friends and relatives to see what was stolen.

      • #2614290

        It happens everywhere

        by nicknielsen ·

        In reply to New Jersey

        I was in Mississippi in the late ’80s when the FBI ran Operation Pretense, a sting to eliminate corruption in MS county government. 13% of county supervisors (55 of 410) were convicted of bribery, extortion, and other crimes.

        http://www.olemiss.edu/depts/economics/Pretense.pdf

    • #2614517

      Exam time…

      by locrian_lyric ·

      In reply to FRIDAY YUK – Official! Queen Gadget says so!!

      A group of four friends decided to blow off a professor’s final exam and take a long weekend. They agreed that they would tell the professor that they were together and their car had a flat, then ask for a makeup examp.

      They do so and the professor sets up the exam and books four small exam rooms and gives each a sealed envelope with the exam.

      The exam contains a single question:

      WHICH TIRE?

    • #2614421

      Hillary in Heaven

      by protiusx ·

      In reply to FRIDAY YUK – Official! Queen Gadget says so!!

      Al Gore and Bill and Hillary Clinton go to heaven, and God addresses Al first. ”Al, what do you believe in?”

      Al replies: “Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I’ve come to understand that now.”

      God thinks for a second and says: “Very good. Come and sit at my left.”

      God then addresses Bill. “Bill, what do you believe in?”

      Bill Replies: “I believe in forgiveness. I’ve sinned, but I’ve never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.”

      God thinks for a second and says: “You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at m y right.”

      Then God addresses Hillary. “Hillary, what do you believe in?”

      She replies: “I believe you’re in my chair.”

      • #2614407

        Well, well, well

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to Hillary in Heaven

        first post in four months and it’s an anti-Hillary joke.

        Hi, dude! Good to hear from you. Where are you now?

        😀

        • #2606862

          Same place

          by protiusx ·

          In reply to Well, well, well

          I am still in Seattle. I have been crazy busy as of late. My appoligies for not posting sooner. Oh yeah and I finished the last Harry Potter book. It was like an obsession. I am bummed now that it’s all over.

      • #2614395

        Hmmm, thoughts to ponder

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to Hillary in Heaven

        Yup, I believe it (mostly)…. lol

      • #2613908

        :) Smiled at that one.

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to Hillary in Heaven

        🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

    • #2614366

      Indeed

      by don ticulate2 ·

      In reply to FRIDAY YUK – Official! Queen Gadget says so!!

      I thought it was a man, but there you go.

      • #2614332

        You bring a whole new lack of meaning

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to Indeed

        to the word “incomprehensible”.

        ?:|

    • #2614298

      This was funny

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to FRIDAY YUK – Official! Queen Gadget says so!!

      for the whole family!

    • #2614271

      Global medical

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to FRIDAY YUK – Official! Queen Gadget says so!!

      A Japanese doctor says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks.”

      A German doctor says, “That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.”

      A British doctor says, “In my country medicine is so advanced that we can
      take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.”

      The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, “You guys are way behind. We took a woman with no brains, sent her to Michigan where she became Governor, and now half the state is out looking for work.”

    • #2614066

      Was that bagel worth it?

      by av . ·

      In reply to FRIDAY YUK – Official! Queen Gadget says so!!

      I think not. Too funny Neil! :^0

      AV

    • #2613902

      Husband vs Wife

      by dadspad ·

      In reply to FRIDAY YUK – Official! Queen Gadget says so!!

      A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
      An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

      A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

      A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
      The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.” The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.” Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
      Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.” So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says…….. .. “HEBREWS”

      • #2613901

        10 question test

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to Husband vs Wife

        TWO BRIGHT young engineers applied for the same position at a computer company. Since they had identical qualifications, the company asked the two applicants to take a ten-question test. At the conclusion of the test, one of the applicants was called into the manger’s office.

        “I have graded the test, and you both scored nine correct answers and got one answer wrong. Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”

        “And why would you choose him if we both got nine questions correct?” asked the rejected applicant.

        “We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the department manager.

        “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired.

        “Simple,” said the department manager, “The other gentlement manager answered Question No. 5, ‘I don’t know.’ Your answer to Question #5 was, ‘Neither do I.”

        • #2613892

          The Christmas Party

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to 10 question test

          A man and his wife went to the company Christmas party where the man has a little too much to drink.

          He staggers down the stairs, completely hung over, and makes his way to the breakfast bar. His wife poors him a cup of coffee.

          With his head in his hand, he asks “Damn, honey.” “What happened last night?”

          She replies, “It wasn’t a pretty sight.”

          He asks, “What do you mean?”

          “Well” she replies, “You were not on your best behavior and your boss was extremely upset.”

          “He was”, he moans.

          “Yes” she replies, “He sure was.”

          “Aahhh, PI$$ ON HIM!” he says.

          “You did,” she replies. “Honey, You got fired last night.”

          “I got fired?” he questions.

          “Yes” she answers “You got fired”

          “Aahhh, PH*CK HIM!” he says.

          She replies, “I did, you start back Monday morning!”

        • #2613887

          What makes life 100% ?

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to The Christmas Party

          Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

          We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.

          How about achieving 103%?

          Here’s a little math that might prove helpful.

          If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

          is represented as:
          1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

          then:

          H A R D W O R K
          8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

          K N O W L E D G E
          11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

          but:

          A T T I T U D E
          1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

          and:

          B U L L $ H I T
          2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

          So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bull$hit will put you over the top.

          And look how far this will take you…

          A $ $ K I S S I N G
          1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

          Think about it… and have a nice day at work… 🙂

        • #2613883

          A new CEO

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to What makes life 100% ?

          A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

          The CEO walks up the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”

          Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a week. Why?”

          The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

          Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

          With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “He’s the pizza delivery guy.”

        • #2613882

          New Secretary

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to A new CEO

          Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.

          John to George: “Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex.

          She’s a lot better in bed than my wife!”

          Two days later. George to John: “Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!

        • #2614883

          Why you got a divorce

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to New Secretary

          A little girl and her mother were out and about.

          Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?”

          The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.”

          The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”

          Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”

          The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

          The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”

          The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation.

          The girlfriend said, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s driver’s license. It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”

          Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

          The little girl started off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.”

          The mother was very shocked. She asked, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”

          The little girl shrugged and said, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”

          “Where did you learn that?”

          The little girl said, “I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”

        • #2614615

          That was great

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to What makes life 100% ?

          I’ve run off a copy for each of my staff with a instruction of requiring 125% all the time. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2605998

          You have me curious, what word is 125%

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to That was great

          😀 😀

        • #2605753

          I’ve told them all to find one! :D

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to You have me curious, what word is 125%

          .

        • #2606825

          Well, if it’s any help, Col

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to You have me curious, what word is 125%

          ARSE Kissing gets you 122% – pretty close. Just goes to prove that sucking up to the boss in Oz (and the UK) gets you more.

          Neil 😀

        • #2606700

          Col, Neil how about this one. :D

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to You have me curious, what word is 125%

          Tried BUTT KISSING = 151% :^0

          Where you kiss means a lot doesn’t it. 🙂

        • #2606186

          Haven’t found 125%

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to You have me curious, what word is 125%

          But MICROSOFT = 118.

          And LYING SACK OF SH*T = 178

          There may be something to this “New Math”!
          😀

        • #2606176

          Havent found 125 but have 150

          by blsd8243 ·

          In reply to You have me curious, what word is 125%

          150 would be Brown Nosing.

        • #2606054

          I did not realize this joke would be so much fun :D

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to You have me curious, what word is 125%

          Love the interesting ways it has been used. 🙂

      • #2614881

        Son of a bitch

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to Husband vs Wife

        Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

        Priest: “What have you done my child?”

        Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

        Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

        Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

        Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

        Girl: “Yes father.”

        Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”

        Girl: “Then he touched my breast.”

        Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast)

        Girl: “Yes father.”

        Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

        Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.”

        Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)

        Girl: “Yes father.”

        Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

        Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”

        Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

        Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!”

        Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

        Girl: “But father he had AIDS!”

        Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”

        • #2614879

          In a time of weakness

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Son of a bitch

          Rosy had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely.

          Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Robert, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.

          He picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic.

          Robert had also been divorced for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosy.

          Despite her initial resistance to his advances, he finally suceeded in making love to her.

          Rosy was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, “I don’t know how I’m going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!”

          “What do you mean, twice?” he asked. “We only did it once.”

          “Well, you’re going to do it again, aren’t you?” Rosy asked.

        • #2614878

          The strip dancer

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to In a time of weakness

          The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

          She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

          For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G-string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

          The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

          For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

          The Major asks her, “What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?”

          She replied with a wicked smile, “Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?”

        • #2614876

          Aroma of Love ]:)

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to The strip dancer

          There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

          The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'”

          The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again.

          Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

          The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! “You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”

          The actor was bewildered, “What happened, did I forget my line?”

          “No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!”

        • #2614874

          Good Catch!

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Aroma of Love ]:)

          Santa was walking through the Rose Garden and was astonished to see an old man with a fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses. “Tsk Tsk!” said Santa to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.”

          So he walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”

          “Fishing, sir.”

          “Fishing, well, would you like to have a drink with me?”

          The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of Scotch, snacks and a fine cigar.

          Santa felt good about helping the old man, and he asked. “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?”

          The old fellow took a long drag on cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the fourth today, sir!”

        • #2614850

          My wife just isn’t interested in sex

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Good Catch!

          “Doctor, you’ve got to help me! My wife just isn’t interested in Sex, anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?”

          “Look, I can’t prescribe…”

          “Doctor, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me upset like this? I am desperate! I can’t think, I can’t concentrate, my life is going utterly to hell! You’ve got to help me.”

          The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.

          “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they’re very powerful. Don’t give her more than one, understand? Just one.”

          “I don’t Know, doctor, she’s awfully cold…”

          “One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?”

          “Um, okay.” The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the Kitchen to bring dessert.

          The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.

          Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, “I…need…a man”

          His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me…too…”

        • #2614595

          Best Ballerina in the world

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to The strip dancer

          There once was the best Ballerina in the world.

          At the end of the show, she would jump high into the air and then land in the splits. The curtain would drop, and she would get up and see the crowd going nuts.

          She instructs the crew to pull the curtain, and then she climbs on a stage prop, jumps high in the air, and lands in the splits. The curtain drops, and again, she gets up and runs to the curtain. The crowd is out of their mind.

          She again instructs the crew to pull the curtain. This time, she climbs on some scaffolding, jumps high in the air, and lands in the splits again. The place is on it’s feet as the curtain closes.

          An aspiring ballerina comes running up to the worlds greatest ballerina and says “That was wonderful! You are the best there has ever been!”

          The greatest ballerina looks up at the aspiring ballerina and says “Oh shut up and rock me to break the suction”.

          :0

        • #2605997

          I love it, a commando Ballerina :D

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Best Ballerina in the world

          😀

        • #2605778

          Not necessarily!

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to I love it, a commando Ballerina :D

          ever heard of that wonderfully sexy invention called crotchless knickers??!!

          ]:)

          GG

        • #2606974

          Ahhhhhh Glad to see you can stir the imagination GG ]:)

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to I love it, a commando Ballerina :D

          😀

        • #2606970

          Imagination? Am I losing my “touch”??!!

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to I love it, a commando Ballerina :D

          darn.

          There was me hoping to stir more than imagination.

          In my case, my memory!!!

          :p

          ]:)

          GG

        • #2606940

          GG, you could stir more than

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to I love it, a commando Ballerina :D

          imagination, but this was about a Ballerina. You were not the Ballerina were you? That could stir more than the imagination. ]:)

          😀 😀

      • #2614815

        Russian Roulette

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to Husband vs Wife

        An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

        On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, “As your stay is coming to an end, it’s time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded – you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.”

        This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

        Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

        The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

        When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, “Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette”. He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

        The African ambassador said, “These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex take your pick”.

        The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn’t see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, “Well, ok, great, but where’s the roulette part? Where’s the danger?”

        With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

        “One of them’s a cannibal.”

        • #2614808

          Whom you should Marry?

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Russian Roulette

          Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.

          The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, “What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot”.

          The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,”Wow, he’s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button…”.

          The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself “poor guy, she’s pretty but teachers are just too frigid”.

          The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher’s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

          6:00 a.m. The phone rings it’s the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast.

          The nurse’s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man’s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

          Joe asked, “What happened sir? You married a nurse.

          The man sourly replies, “Son, don’t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying ” you’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary”.

          Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

          6:30 a.m. The telephone operator’s husband calls for breakfast.

          Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man’s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

          Joe asks,” What happened?

          Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices.”

          The man sourly replies “Son, don’t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, “your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.”

          Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

          4:30 p.m. The teacher’s husband called for breakfast. Joe can’t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.

          The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

          Joe fearing the worst asked “What happened to you? Did you have a fight?”

          The man smiles and happily replies, “No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher.

          All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, “We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right.”

        • #2614803

          What a woman wants……

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Whom you should Marry?

          A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.” The woman freed the frog.

          The frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!”

          The woman said, “That would be okay.”

          For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.

          The woman replied, “That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.” So, KAZAM-she’sthe most beautiful woman in the world.

          For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That will be okay because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.” So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

          The frog then inquired about her third wish, …….And she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

          Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them!

          Attention Lady Readers: This is the end of the joke for u. Stop here and continue feeling better.

          Male Readers, please scroll down …. ….. ….. ….. …..

          The man had a 10 times milder Heart Attack !!! (:-:)

          Moral of the Story : Women are dumb so u can very easily mess with them!!!

        • #2614693

          goodie there…

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to Russian Roulette

          got a grin! 😀

        • #2614644

          I thought it was good payback! ]:)

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to goodie there…

          😀

        • #2606193

          Ouch!!! good joke!

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Russian Roulette

          🙂

    • #2606676

      Where is out Gutter patrol :0

      by dadspad ·

      In reply to FRIDAY YUK – Official! Queen Gadget says so!!

      Seems when I try to sink to the gutter with a joke, I get kicked back to purity. Is there a filter set? 🙁

      Maybe is out gutter girls would post jokes, the filter would dissipate! 😡

      My wife knows I am not pure, or we would not have been married so long. 😀

      Edited for curiosity, can men be more pure that women? :_|

      • #2606195

        Men are always more ‘Pure’ than women

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to Where is out Gutter patrol :0

        until they finally break down due to the women constantly messing with our minds

      • #2606171

        No, DadsPad, men are not purer than women

        by av . ·

        In reply to Where is out Gutter patrol :0

        You were curious, so I answered.

        Women are delicate flowers. Most of you guys should have a warning label similar to the warning on a pack of cigarats “Men are hazardous to your health and may result in possible multiple births or even worse, broken-heart disease.”

        There ya go.

        AV :^0

        • #2606041

          I am glad this is a YUK! or I could have taken you seriously :D

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to No, DadsPad, men are not purer than women

          Women can be delicate flowers, raging tigers or sluts depending on time, place and especially person. [Golden Girls, Sophia brings Burt Reynolds in door. He asks which one is the slut, all three raise their hands.] In other words, women are what they want to be at any time they choose. :^0

          Dr. Phil was on David Letterman who asked him what was the key to a successful marriage (he was married 31 years). He said mutual respect and do what she says. 😀

          Now ‘broken heart desease’ is not gender specific. Would be a good bet you broke a lot of hearts yourself. 🙂 We say little boys will be a lady killer (a horrible thing to say) and little girls will break a lot of hearts.

        • #2604864

          Of course I was kidding!

          by av . ·

          In reply to I am glad this is a YUK! or I could have taken you seriously :D

          I probably should have said women LOOK like delicate flowers. I’m really not a Dr. Phil fan, but he does have a point. I don’t know about broken-heart disease though. I think women tend to get more emotionally involved in what would be considered a casual relationship to men.

          AV :^0

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