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Friday Yuk on Thursday

By GSG ·
GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by A loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

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Road Rage

by GSG In reply to Friday Yuk on Thursday

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'bumper sticker, the'Choose Life'license plate holder, the'Follow Me to Sunday-School 'bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'

Priceless.

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Do you need to pray at work?

by GSG In reply to Road Rage

If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punc hing, or slapping someone that you work with... You need to pray at work.

When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "What the H311 does she want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk... you need to pray at work.

When someone comes in and announces, "Office meeting in 5 minutes," and you thing, "What the F$%# do they want now?"... you need to pray at work.

When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk becasue no one else would do it, and you think "sorry @$$ m0$%Y# F$#%@#$"... you need to pray at work.

If you avoid saying more than hellow or how are you doing to someone because you know it's going to lead to their whole F*#)*#) life story... you need to pray at work.

When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the $h1t out of her"... you need to pray at work.

When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you sons of b*&$%#@ turned off my computer?"... you need to pray at work.

When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and you say "that lazy b@st@rd."... you need to pray at work.

and...

If you know the words that have been bleeped out... you definitely need to pray at work.

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Ahahahahaa!

by boxfiddler Moderator In reply to Friday Yuk on Thursday

Love it. Thanks.

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Needed some humor

by GSG In reply to Ahahahahaa!

I'm not going to be around for a while, and I needed some humor, so I thought I'd start a Yuk and see if anyone will contribute some good stuff.

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Country Funeral

by GSG In reply to Friday Yuk on Thursday

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods,
I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I
finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and
crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I
played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all
wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

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Father and Son Hunt

by patb071 In reply to Friday Yuk on Thursday

A Father and Son went hunting together for the first time.

The Father said, "Stay here and be very quiet. I will be across the Field"

A few minutes later the Father heard a Blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.

Whats wrong? the father asked. i told you to be quiet.

the boy answered look i was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet, i was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. i didn't move a mustle when a skunk climbed on my shoulder. i closed my eyes and help my breath when the wasp stung me. i didn't cough when i swallowed a gnat. i didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching, But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant leg and said, "should we eat them here or take them with us?"

Well i just panicked

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Stolen from Monday's "Big Bang Theory"

by CharlieSpencer In reply to Friday Yuk on Thursday

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

A: To get to the SAME side!

My wife didn't get it at all. I had to construct one for her, then have her color 'one' side and cut it through the middle.

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