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Friday Yuk??? - Really

By The Scummy One ·
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Ok, I didnt see a Yuk OR Trolov this morning. For a while I actually FORGOT it was Friday!
All of you from different (earlier) zones are LAZY today, so I'll start it THIS TIME!

http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee314/techman03/Flasher.jpg

Ok, it's not a joke but I thought it was funny

So start the jokes peoples!

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I was starting to worry.....

by heml0ck In reply to Friday Yuk??? - Really

The Pope arrives at JFK
The Pope arrives at JFK where he's met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, "Pope."

After getting the Pope's entire luggage loaded in the limo -- and His Holiness doesn't travel light -- the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.

"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren. "Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatch.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason." "No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger." "Governor."

"Bigger." "Well," said the chief, "Who is it?"

"I don't know," said the cop. "But he's got the Pope driving for him."

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:^0 -- good start :^0

by The Scummy One In reply to I was starting to worry.. ...
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Quotes:

by heml0ck In reply to :^0 -- good start :^0

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." . . .Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." . . . Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." . . . Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Ferrari 360." . . . Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." . . . Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." . . . George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." . . . Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." . . . Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****." . . . Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." . . . Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." . . . Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." . . . Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" . . . Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." . . . . Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." . . . Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a *****, and only enough blood to run one at a time." . . . Robin Williams

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The teacher's assignment

by heml0ck In reply to Quotes:

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. " What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Sarah." "Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the heck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

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Frank and his new rifle

by heml0ck In reply to The teacher's assignment

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting do you?"

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I think the real joke is that bears cant talk

by Slayer_ In reply to Frank and his new rifle
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Proof Otherwise:

by KSoniat In reply to I think the real joke is ...

Papa Bear: Someone's been sleeping in my bed.
Mama Bear: Someone's been sitting in my chair
Baby Bear: Someone's been eating my porridge.
Yogi Bear: Exit, stage right

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@KSoniat

by Jellimonsta In reply to I think the real joke is ...

You forgot:

Huggy Bear 'Nobody touches the bear, you dig?'

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No Pimp bears allowed

by The Scummy One In reply to I think the real joke is ...
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Jelli & Scummy

by KSoniat In reply to I think the real joke is ...

Jelli, thanks for the assist...

Scummy, leave him be, he's backing me up!

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