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  • #2169109

    Friday Yuk??? – Really


    by the scummy one ·

    Ok, I didnt see a Yuk OR Trolov this morning. For a while I actually FORGOT it was Friday!
    All of you from different (earlier) zones are LAZY today, so I’ll start it THIS TIME!

    Ok, it’s not a joke but I thought it was funny

    So start the jokes peoples!

All Comments

  • Author
    • #2947774

      I was starting to worry…..

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      The Pope arrives at JFK
      The Pope arrives at JFK where he’s met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, “Pope.”

      After getting the Pope’s entire luggage loaded in the limo — and His Holiness doesn’t travel light — the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Hey, Mr. Pope,” says the driver in accented English, “Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?”

      “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive.”

      “That is very much against the rules!” protested the driver, wishing he’d never left Calcutta.

      “There might be something extra in it for you,” said the Pope.

      Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.

      “Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope,” pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren. “Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license,” moaned the driver.

      The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he said to the dispatch.

      When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he’d stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

      “So bust him,” said the Chief.

      “I think the guy’s a big shot,” said the cop.

      “All the more reason.” “No, I mean really a big shot,” said the cop.

      “What’d ya got there, the Mayor?”

      “Bigger.” “Governor.”

      “Bigger.” “Well,” said the chief, “Who is it?”

      “I don’t know,” said the cop. “But he’s got the Pope driving for him.”

      • #2947771

        :^0 — good start :^0

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to I was starting to worry…..


        • #2947765


          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to :^0 — good start :^0

          You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.” . . .Steve Martin

          “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” . . . Woody Allen

          “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” . . . Rodney Dangerfield

          “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Ferrari 360.” . . . Lynn Lavner

          “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” . . . Camille Paglia

          “Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” . . . George Burns

          “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” . . . Sharon Stone

          “Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” . . . Tiger Woods

          “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” . . . Jack Nicholson

          “Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” . . . Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)

          “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” . . . Billy Crystal

          “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” . . . Robert De Niro

          “There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” . . . Dustin Hoffman

          “There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.” . . . . Jerry Seinfeld

          “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” . . . Rod Stewart

          “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” . . . Robin Williams

        • #2947748

          The teacher’s assignment

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to Quotes:

          The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

          Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

          Ashley said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. ” What’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” “Very good,” said the teacher.

          Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story, don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

          “That was a fine story, Sarah.” “Michael, do you have a story to share?” “Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
          Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”

          “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”

          “Stay the heck away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”

        • #2947744

          Frank and his new rifle

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to The teacher’s assignment

          Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.

          The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.” After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.

          So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

          The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.”

          Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.

          Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting do you?”

        • #2947742

          I think the real joke is that bears cant talk

          by slayer_ ·

          In reply to Frank and his new rifle

        • #2947671

          Proof Otherwise:

          by ksoniat ·

          In reply to I think the real joke is that bears cant talk

          Papa Bear: Someone’s been sleeping in my bed.
          Mama Bear: Someone’s been sitting in my chair
          Baby Bear: Someone’s been eating my porridge.
          Yogi Bear: Exit, stage right

        • #2947668


          by jellimonsta ·

          In reply to I think the real joke is that bears cant talk

          You forgot:

          Huggy Bear ‘Nobody touches the bear, you dig?’ :p

        • #2947667

          No Pimp bears allowed

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to I think the real joke is that bears cant talk


        • #2948216

          Jelli & Scummy

          by ksoniat ·

          In reply to I think the real joke is that bears cant talk

          Jelli, thanks for the assist…

          Scummy, leave him be, he’s backing me up!

        • #2947885

          Brave Boy letting Scummy get behind you that is. :^0

          by oh smeg ·

          In reply to I think the real joke is that bears cant talk

          NT. :p

        • #2947819


          by ksoniat ·

          In reply to I think the real joke is that bears cant talk

          Jelli’s behind me…
          … and I’m all girl.
          (but still brave) 0:-)

        • #2947817

          Oh oh…

          by jellimonsta ·

          In reply to I think the real joke is that bears cant talk

          Scummy better not grab my hips thinking its a conga line. :p ;\

        • #2947803

          Did I grab

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to I think the real joke is that bears cant talk

          the wrong a$$ — damn — not again

        • #2947735

          So That is JD’s secret vacation resort?

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Frank and his new rifle

          oops, I didnt really wanna know :^0

        • #2947638

          GM is selling off their Hummer division…

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Quotes:

          Bill Clinton called dibs.

    • #2947772

      The New Recruit…

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      The Chief noticed a new seaman one day…. and barked at him, “Get over here!” “What is your name?” was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.

      “Paul,” the new guy replied.

      The Chief scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they’re teaching Sailors in boot camp today, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last name only: Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all.. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear?”

      “Aye, aye, Chief!”

      “Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

      The new guy sighed…. and said, “Darling. My name is Paul Darling, Chief!”

      “Okay………….. Paul,…….. here’s what I want you to do…”

    • #2947755

      Breast Milk

      by hal 9000 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      Little Johnny – not well-prepared – sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed, “Give four advantages of breast milk.”

      What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

      1. No need to boil.

      2. Cats can’t steal it.

      3. Available whenever necessary.

      Um. So far so good – maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write?

      Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:

      4. Available in attractive containers

      • #2947753

        New stock market terms

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Breast Milk

        CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer
        CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer
        BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
        BEAR MARKET – A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
        VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.
        P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
        BROKER – What my broker has made me.
        STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.
        STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
        STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
        FINANCIAL PLANNER – A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
        MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.
        CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
        YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
        WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
        INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
        PROFIT – An archaic word no longer in use.

        • #2947751

          Finially found what I was looking for. :D

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to New stock market terms

          This is somethign that arrived recently that I got a laugh out of. 😉

          A Newfoundland woman ‘of certain age’, visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s sex drive.

          ‘What about trying Viagra?’, asks the doctor.

          Oh, no, doctor, I couldn’t do dat,’ she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
          ‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Drop it into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went’

          It wasn’t a week later, that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress.

          The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh jaysus Mary and Joseph, doctor, twas horrid. Just terrible!’

          ‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor.

          ‘Well, I did like you said and slipped it into his coffee. Lard, de effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging something fierce! With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and then, lard tunderin jaysus, didn’t he take me right then and there, making wild, mad passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!’

          ‘Why so terrible?’, asked the doctor. ‘Do you mean the sex was not good?’

          ‘No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, ’twas the best sex I had in 25 years. ………….

          But, I’ll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton’s ever again!’

        • #2947746

          That is soooo good…..

          by jamesrl ·

          In reply to Finially found what I was looking for. :D

          What helps you understand this is that Tim Horton’s is quite a Canadian institution. Our navy has Tim Horton’s coffee. Our troops in Afghanistan have a Timmy’s to visit at Khandahar. If you can’t go to Timmy’s you may not have any social life in some small towns.


        • #2947743

          very true…

          by heml0ck ·

          In reply to That is soooo good…..

          when my wife and I were thinking about moving to Tavistock, the first thing she checked was that it had a Timmies…

    • #2947733


      by Tammy.Cavadias ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      Sonja is suppose to be relaxing on vacation this week – as hard as she works she deserves it 😀 (remember she mentioned that in last week’s TROLOV, that everyone had 2 weeks to get her some good stuff for next week’s TROLOV – which includes them Garden pics for the new TR Garden Club photo gallery – flowers, birds, veggies, etc…)

      Speaking of birds, I need to refill my hummingbird feeders.

      Oh and here’s my joke…

      Secret of Reaching Old Age…

      Doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look!What is your secret?”

      “I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said.”I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every
      week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don’t exercise at all.”

      “That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”

      “Thirty-four,” she replied.

      -Tammy [_]3

      • #2947724

        You Mis-interpreted

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to Shhhhhhhhhh….

        I didnt say anything about Sonja being lazy, I said I forgot it was Friday because of no TROLOV OR Yuk. Then I went on to say that the lazy ones were those that Should Have started the Yuk.

        I realized it was Friday when I started sipping coffee and thought — I brought in the trash cans last night, so it must be Friday. I looked for the YUK and found nothing 🙁
        Then I had to check the time/date on my computer to confirm that it was actually Friday

        • #2947720

          Telling time and date

          by santeewelding ·

          In reply to You Mis-interpreted

          You do it the way I do it. Has to be why you come in at odd angles.

        • #2947605

          That could be..

          by Tammy.Cavadias ·

          In reply to You Mis-interpreted

          could have sworn I read it “no trolov” yet and no yuk.. it’s Friday my brain shut down 😀

          Then again maybe its because I went to see Rodney Carrington last night =:-o

          -Tammy [_]3

        • #2947591

          Or it could just be

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to That could be..

          that in my BC moment, I just write like shlt.
          I had only had a few sips of the caffeine when I posted it.

    • #2947725

      A little old lady in court

      by heml0ck ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age

      Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

      Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

      Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

      Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

      Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

      Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

      Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

      Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

      Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.

      Defense Attorney: Why not?

      Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

      Defense Attorney: What happened next?

      Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

      Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

      Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

      Defense Attorney: Why not?

      Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

      Defense Attorney: What happened next?

      Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me!”

      Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

      Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!”! And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.

    • #2947692

      As I mature

      by slayer_ ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

    • #2947678

      Some Quiz answers from UK media shows …

      by older mycroft ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      [i]Actually quite a lot of ’em – but they just get better and better ![/i]

      Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?
      Contestant: Homosexuals.
      Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

      Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
      Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
      Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
      Contestant: Leicester .

      Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
      Contestant: I don’t know.
      White: I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
      Contestant : Arm.
      White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re…?
      Contestant: Strong.
      White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
      Contestant: Louis.
      White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
      Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

      Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
      Contestant: France .
      Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
      Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
      Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
      Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
      Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
      Contestant: Paris .

      Anne Robinson: – Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: – Prison, or
      the Conservative Party?
      Contestant: The Conservative Party.

      DJ Mark: For ?10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
      Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

      Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi’s first name?
      Contestant: Goosey?

      GWR FM ( Bristol )
      Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
      Contestant : I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

      Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show
      about pensioners: Last Of The…?
      Caller: Mohicans.

      Phil: What’s 11 squared?
      Contestant: I don’t know.
      Phil: I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.
      Contestant: Is it five?

      Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
      A: Forrest Gump.

      Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
      Contestant: Er. . .
      Leslie: He makes bread . . .
      Contestant: Er . …
      Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
      Contestant: Kipling Street ?

      Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
      Contestant: Barcelona .
      Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
      Contestant: I’m sorry, I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain .

      Question: What is the world’s largest continent?
      Contestant: The Pacific

      Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
      Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

      Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
      Contestant: Magna Carta?

      O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
      Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth … ER…ER .. Three?

      Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
      Caller: Japan .
      Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again.
      Caller: Er …. Mexico ?

      Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
      Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

      Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
      Contestant: Holland ?
      Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
      Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
      Denham (helpfully): It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
      Contestant: No.

      Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?
      Contestant: Er. .. .
      Wood: It’s got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
      Contestant: Blimey?
      Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
      Contestant: (Silence)
      Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
      Contestant: Walked?

      Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
      Contestant: Nostalgia.

      Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
      Contestant: Jewish.
      Presenter: That’s close enough.

      Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
      Contestant: Jesus


      • #2947662


        by jellimonsta ·

        In reply to Some Quiz answers from UK media shows …

        Those are good.
        I especially liked…

        Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi’s first name?
        Contestant: Goosey?

        • #2947636

          Me too that way.

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to LOL!!!

          Goosey Ghandi! :0
          :^0 :^0 :^0

        • #2947632

          When everyone knows it should have been …

          by older mycroft ·

          In reply to Me too that way.

          Goosey [b][u]Goosey[/b][/u] Ghandi !! 😉 :^0

    • #2947659

      The man song

      by jellimonsta ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      Married man that is. 😀

      • #2947648


        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to The man song

        No REAL Man would admit that (or post it for others) :^0 :^0

        • #2947646

          I wouldn’t

          by jellimonsta ·

          In reply to Traitor

          have posted it anywhere a REAL man could see. :p ;\

        • #2947642

          But you not be thinkin like a man

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to I wouldn’t

          because there are females that might latch onto this and post it in other groups :0 :0 :0

      • #2947633


        by boxfiddler ·

        In reply to The man song

        So who is THAT dood and where can I find him?
        < /sarcasm >

    • #2947658

      dunno why, but i really like this one…

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.

      When the last scene flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that for many times in his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened to be at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. At still other times in his life he could see only a single footprint, with a circle-print where the other foot should be, and a straight line between them. This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.

      “Lord, you said that once I decided to follow You, You’d walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only ONE set of footprints. I don’t understand why when I needed You the most You would leave me.”

      The Lord replied: “My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.” The man felt much better, but was still perplexed.

      He asked: “But what of the footprints with the line and the circles? Where did they come from?”

      “My son,” said the Lord, with compassion in His voice, “that was when we were joined by a one-legged pirate with a wheelbarrow.”

    • #2947656

      Undignified Ways To Die

      by critch ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      Undignified Ways To Die

      Skin diving with gas tanks you stole from a dentist.
      Renting a basement apartment in Venus.

      Wearing clown shoes while walking through a mine field at night.
      Getting a life size tattoo of someone your height.

      Mistaking a python for your favorite tie.
      Hang gliding at night on the Fourth of July.

      Having a bowling ball dropped on your head.
      Mooning some cannibals who haven’t been fed.

      Teasing some Scots for wearing their kilt.
      Approaching a chopper while walking on stilts.

      Swimming with sharks in a suit made of meat.
      Flashing yourself to a hippo in heat.

      Slapping the head of a bald drunken sailor.
      And telling your date’s burley dad “Five bucks says I nail’er”

      – Paul Gilmartin

      • #2947653

        Circus Love

        by critch ·

        In reply to Undignified Ways To Die

        Circus Love

        “Last call,” announced the barkeep and then their eyes did meet,
        Betty the Bearded Lady and Tom the 4-inch Freak.

        Tom lowered his voice and made a pass, “What are you doing later?”
        Betty said, as she stroked her beard, “Nothing, sweet potater.”

        People pointed. Jokes were made. But it fell on four deaf ears.
        Tom thrust his tiny shoulders back and ignored the painful jeers.

        “Betty,” he said, “the world can be such a cruel unfeeling place.”
        She said, “I know, my little punkin,” and kissed his tiny face.

        She carried him through the parking lot to the woods that lay beyond.
        Never before had either felt such an instant common bond.

        “Betty,” he said gazing down at his tiny platform shoe,
        “Tonight I would like nothing more than to make sweet love to you.”

        She said, “I’m a virgin.”
        He said, “So am I.”

        She said, “Don’t you think that’s weird?”
        He said, “Not really. I’m four inches tall and, you know, you got the beard.”

        She pressed him close against her bosom. He inhaled her perfumed air.
        He covered her neck with little hickies and stroked her facial hair.

        The moonlight danced off his cowboy hat. She giggled and she swayed.
        She undid his tiny rhinestone belt. A cricket looked away.

        She set him down, unzipped her dress still tipsy from the booze.
        She tripped pulling off her panties and crushed him with her shoes.
        Bearded Betty never married.
        Her mistake sure took its toll.
        She still owns that pair of shoes
        And Tom’s still in her soul.

        The genius that is Paul Gilmartin.

      • #2947643
    • #2947655

      From the National Health Service…

      by older mycroft ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      [i]These are sentences actually typed by medical secretaries in NHS, Greater Glasgow.[/i]

      1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

      2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

      3. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

      4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

      5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

      6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

      7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

      8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

      9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

      10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

      11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

      12. She is numb from her toes down.

      13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

      14. The skin was moist and dry.

      15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

      16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

      17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid..

      18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

      19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

      20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

      21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

      22. The lab test indicated abno rmal lover function.

      23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

      24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

      25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

      26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

      27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

      28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

      29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

      30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

      31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

      32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

      33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

      [b]Stay away from hospitals – too many potential problems![/b]

    • #2947652

      Political joke…

      by —tk— ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      Young Bill in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100.

      The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

      The next day the farmer drove up and said,
      “Sorry son, but I have some bad news… The horse died.”

      Bill replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

      The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

      Bill said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

      The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

      Bill said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

      The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

      Bill said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

      A month later, the farmer met up with Bill and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

      Bill said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.”

      The farmer said, “The horse was dead! Didn’t anyone complain?”

      Bill said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

      Bill grew up and now works for the government.

      He’s the one who figured out how this “bail-out” thing is going to work.

    • #2947639

      A TR Sponsored Link

      by the scummy one ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      LOL I ran into this a moment ago

      Net FU at — LOL :^0

    • #2947233

      Two Fleas on Vacation

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.

      Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he’s all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death!

      The other flea asks him, “What the hell happened to you?”

      The first flea says, “I rode down here from Mount Clemens in the moustache of a guy on a Harley.”

      The other flea tells him, “That’s the worst way to travel. Try what I do: Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.”

      The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

      A year goes by, and when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death!

      The second flea says, “Didn’t you try what I told you?”

      Yes,” says the first flea, “I did exactly as you said: I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to a warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.”

      “Well then, what happened?” the first flea asked.

      “When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy on the Harley!”

      • #2947906

        Hadn’t heard that one for a while

        by sjmcd435 ·

        In reply to Two Fleas on Vacation

        I first that joke on a TV show called “Ally McBeal”. Good to hear it is still around.

    • #2947232


      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. As much as we try
      to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For
      those Who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
      taking a dump at work.

      When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not
      In your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where
      it Came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
      full fart has Been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
      smell has left your pants.

      FLY BY:
      This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
      and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
      leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
      FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
      going into the bathroom

      This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
      Forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
      wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
      Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
      the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It
      is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
      both parties feel uneasy.

      When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
      This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
      should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
      left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just

      The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water .
      This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
      This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

      Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
      Stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
      someone Walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
      that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be
      avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

      This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You
      willoften see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
      newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
      office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the

      A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
      Goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
      whereabouts of Out of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

      A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building
      where You can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
      predominantly of the Opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a
      pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

      This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
      tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
      vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If
      this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This
      way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

      A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
      you Are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to
      cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The
      Camo-Cough is Very effective when used in conjunction with an

      An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
      Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
      That the stall is occupied.
      If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper
      Can poop in peace.

      A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting
      the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel
      a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

      A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
      Toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
      Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

      An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
      This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
      mirror or Sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to
      relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when
      the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom


    • #2947229

      The Loch Ness Monster???

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his
      boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the
      beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened
      its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he
      cried out,

      “Oh, my God! Please help me!”

      At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the
      atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the

      “I thought you didn’t believe in me!”

      “Come on God, give me a break!!,” the man pleaded. “Two minutes
      ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”

    • #2947228

      Southern Girls

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      Two southern girls from Georgia were sitting on their front porch one
      evening. One girl had just arrived back from New York and she was telling
      her girlfriend about some of the sites she had seen in the big city.
      In a heavy southern drawl, she says, “You know, they have women up there
      who have sex with other women.”
      In a whispered voice, her friend replies, “Oh, my! What do they call
      “They call them lesbians.”
      “And there’s men who have sex with other men,” says the women. “They call
      them homosexuals.”
      Then, she pauses, lowers her voice even more and says, “And, they have
      these men up there that will put their face in a woman’s privates and kiss
      and lick all around…”
      “Do tell!” gasps her friend, “What do they call them?”
      “Heck if I know, I just patted him on the head and called him ‘Precious

    • #2947227


      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really


      How dumb do companies think we are? From the looks of the warning
      labels they slap on their products, they must believe we’re complete

      Here, we’ve collected some of the most ridiculous advice from
      smartypants manufacturers:

      ?Sleeping Pills — Caution: May make you drowsy.

      ?Lighters — Contents flammable.

      ?Dog Shampoo — The contents of this bottle should not be fed to

      ?Shampoo — Intended for use on hair only — not eyes.

      ?Stroller — Remove infant before folding for storage.

      ?Curling Iron — Not for internal use.

      ?Microwave Oven — Do not use for drying pets.

      ?Child’s Playhouse — This is not a toy.

      ?Toilet Bowl Cleaning Brush — Do not use orally.

      ?King Size Mattress — Warning: Do not attempt to swallow.

      ?Can of Insecticide — This spray is harmful to insects.

      ?Firecrackers — Do not light while holding in mouth.

      ?Fat-Free Potato Chips — May cause anal leakage.

      ?Peanut Butter — Warning: May contain nuts.

      ?TV Dinner — Remove plastic wrap cover before eating.

      ?Batteries — Do not swallow. C or D batteries may cause choking.

      ?.22-Caliber Rifle — May cause injury or death.

      ?Hardware Store Rotary Drill — This product not intended for dental

      ?Hemorrhoid Suppositories — Remove aluminum wrapping before

      ?Disposable Diapers — Dispose of after use.

      ?Electric Cattle Prod — For use on animals only.

      • #2947187

        RE: [i]Electric Cattle Prod

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to STUPID WARNING LABELS!

        I found that these where highly effective when used on Apprentices. 🙁

        Does that mean that I’m not supposed to continue to use them in that manner? :_|

        Col 0:-)

        • #2947132

          You can always

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to RE: [i]Electric Cattle Prod

          make ’em dress up in a cow suit first.

        • #2948406

          No that doesn’t work

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to You can always

          They would then be expecting the Cattle Prod to be shoved into their Buts.

          The fast response when you do it the first time needs to be seen to be believed. :^0

          The look of complete confusion doesn’t hurt one little bit either. 😀

          Col 0:-)

      • #2947169

        Fat-Free Potato Chips

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to STUPID WARNING LABELS!

        The Scummy One can now use eating those as his excuse…. 😀

      • #2948393

        Reason for this label

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to STUPID WARNING LABELS!

        ?Curling Iron — Not for internal use.


    • #2948429


      by rob miners ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      1) A retired electronic technician came into the clinic and said, “Doctor, I have a serious memory problem.” The doctor asked, “When did it start?” The technician replied, “When did what start?”

      2) An Engineer working in the film factory came running in the office and yelled, “Doctor, doctor!! – my colleague just swallowed a roll of film!!” The doctor calmly replied, “Let’s just wait and see what develops.”

      3) When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places while carrying a big Monitor, he told me to stop going to those places.

      4) I told my repair friend I had a ringing in my ears due to the heavy explosion caused by a big capacitor. His advice: “Don’t answer it.”

      • #2948136

        Memory problem

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to Sic

        • #2947907

          Well done

          by rob miners ·

          In reply to Memory problem

          I enjoy that show.

        • #2947901


          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to Memory problem

          😀 Thanks for that. Nuttin’ better than Red Dwarf, at least when it comes to stuff with which to entertain oneself. 😀 😀

        • #2947898

          That is one show

          by rob miners ·

          In reply to Ooohhh….

          that you can always be guaranteed a laugh. It’s on par to the Kenny Everett show.

        • #2947894

          I caught the first episode

          by boxfiddler ·

          In reply to That is one show

          of Red Dwarf released via my local public broadcasting station, and made a point to make each episode thereafter until the station dropped it. I’m cruising the available Red Dwarf clips now and cannot stop laughing. A crap week is well-ended with an episode of Red Dwarf. 😀

          The complete Red Dwarf is on my wish list, along with the complete Dr. Who – original series. Which, I might add, I can’t find (Dr. Who, that is).

        • #2947889

          The original Dr Who

          by rob miners ·

          In reply to I caught the first episode

          was the best but I still enjoy watching the new ones. You probably can’t find him because he is a figment of someones imagination. :p

          Edit: look what I just found.

        • #2947887

          Smegging Hell Davette

          by oh smeg ·

          In reply to I caught the first episode

          Do you have any idea just how many Disc’s there are in the Original Dr Who? There must be literally thousands of them as the series went for 10 or so years with 8 Different Doctors

          I have not seen any place that even comes close to having all of the Original Dr Who. I couldn’t even store that many DVDs let alone any of the VHS that most of them where released on. 🙁

          The Local Video Rental Store here only has a small collection of the Original Dr Who and it is a very small collection but they still have 300 Disc’s.

          Col 0:-)

        • #2947867

          red dwarf

          by half9 ·

          In reply to I caught the first episode

          they are showing a special on TV channel DAVE over easter in the U.K. they come back to earth, same cast, cant wait to see it.
          Hope it comes on UKTV over here

        • #2947839

          Dr Who

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to I caught the first episode

          Some years ago, the BBC destroyed -overwrote – a whole load of early Dr Who tapes to “save money”. For a lot of episodes of the first series, there are no surviving copies. I think that there are over 100 episodes with no known copy.

          There are rumours that Robert Mugabe has a store of Dr Who tapes. I don’t think he’s going to let the BBC have them because he won’t allow anyone from the BBC into Zimbabwe.


        • #2947807

          Dr. Who

          by jellimonsta ·

          In reply to Dr Who

          My favorite Dr. Who was Wurzel Gummidge. 😀

        • #2954314

          Cruel, but correct, Jelli!

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to Dr Who

          There are only a few of us will understand that one!

          (well done!)



    • #2954284

      Looking for Mohammed

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

      Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.- ‘Are you Mohammed?’ he asks ‘No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up’ And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds

      Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides. He meets another bearded man. Full of hope, he asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’ ‘No, I am Jesus.. Mohammed is higher up still’

      Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: ‘Are You Mohammed?’ ‘No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still’

      Exhausted but with heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he meets a man with a beard. ‘Are you Mohammed?’ he gasps, as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

      ‘No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?’

      ‘Yes please, my Lord’ God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,: ‘Mohammed, two coffees, please’.

      • #2954282

        I bet

        by boxfiddler ·

        In reply to Looking for Mohammed

        you have a monogrammed stir stick! 😀 😀 😀

      • #2954280

        The Back Pew

        by sleepin’dawg ·

        In reply to Looking for Mohammed

        A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
        congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
        passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would
        his paycheck.

        After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
        decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding
        salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to
        how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the
        church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

        After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his
        chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as
        many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

        In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally
        said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we
        get too much of it, we wear rubbers.’

        The entire congregation said, ‘Amen.’

      • #2954279

        Ya Know

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to Looking for Mohammed

        after the Jesus part, I was thinking that the end would result in Mohammad being a slave or something :^0 :^0

        Oops, I shouldnt laugh at that, r someone may get upset :0
        Oh WTF — :^0 :^0 :^0 :^0

    • #2954264

      The Presidential Clock

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      Monica walked into the White House for the first day of her
      internship and was greeted by the President.

      After a tour, he asked,

      “Would you like to see the Presidential Clock?

      Monica got suspicious and said,

      “I’ve heard certain things about you, Mr. President, and don’t
      think that would be a smart idea.”

      “Nonsense,” said the President. “It’s just a clock.”

      Monica reluctantly agreed. The President led her to an empty Oval
      Office, closed the door, dropped his pants and pulled it out.

      In a reproving tone, Monica said,

      “That’s not the Presidential Clock, it’s the Presidential C0ck!”

      The President responded,

      “Monica, honey, put a face and two hands on it, and it’s a

    • #2954257

      Sex Therapy

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk??? – Really

      A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy
      in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he
      felt he could not help them.

      The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough
      physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then
      concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

      “On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and
      buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your
      clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you
      make a bull’s-eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and
      knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape
      using only your tongue.

      “Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across
      the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer
      around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him
      and consume the doughnut.”

      The couple went home and their sex life became more and more

      They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Potter that they should see
      the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Potters and said he would
      not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he
      conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

      Then he told the Potters the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I
      will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as
      it will ever be. I cannot help.

      “The Potters pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends
      the Browns, now please, please help us.”

      “Well, all right,” the doctor said. “On your way home from the
      office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box
      of cheerios…”

Viewing 21 reply threads