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  • #2229654

    Friday Yuk..Come ON people

    Locked

    by shellbot ·

    Fooling Around
    One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.”

    “Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” George was brokenhearted.

    After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half sister too, George.

    “I’m awfully sorry about this.” George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

    “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.”

    “Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

All Comments

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    Replies
    • #2476725

      Relatively

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

      Looking up, he asks the Lord… “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

      The Lord replies, “A minute.”

      Einstein asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

      The Lord replies, “A penny.”

      Einstein asks, “Can I have a penny?”

      The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

      • #2476505

        Einstein replies:

        by absolutely ·

        In reply to Relatively

        “I’m willing to wait a million years, if necessary!”

    • #2476722

      Summary of Life

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
      1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
      2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
      3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the
      second person.
      4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
      5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
      6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
      7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
      8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
      9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
      10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

      GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
      1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
      2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
      3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
      4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
      5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
      6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

      GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
      1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
      2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
      3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down
      there.
      4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
      chair that you
      once got from a roller coaster.
      5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
      ask you the questions.
      6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
      7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

      THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
      1) You believe in Santa Claus.
      2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
      3) You are Santa Claus.
      4) You look like Santa Claus.

      SUCCESS:
      At age 4 success is . . not piddling in your pants.
      At age 12 success is . . having friends.
      At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.
      At age 35 success is . . having money.
      At age 50 success is . .. . having money.
      At age 70 success is . … . having a drivers license.
      At age 75 success is . . having friends.
      At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

      • #2476636

        Thanks Shell

        by tig2 ·

        In reply to Summary of Life

        Some days I just feel as old as dirt. Now I feel better.

        Perhaps I have become top soil?

        Have a great weekend!

        • #2476587

          And here I thought….

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Thanks Shell

          that Mae….

          na, better not…. :0

          😀

        • #2478604

          Are you saying you have a dirty mind?

          by daveo2000 ·

          In reply to Thanks Shell

          Mind you, it would be the top of the pile dirt…

    • #2476716

      Italian Present

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about
      a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together.
      The Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was
      the son of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday.
      Well, for their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a
      Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta.

      The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their
      presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each
      other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and
      his father is NOT pleased!

      “What’re you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!! Some
      day you’re gonna meet a nice girl, you’re gonna wanna settle
      down and get married. You’ll have a few kids, all that stuff.
      THEN one day, you’re gonna come home and find your wife in bed
      with another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your
      watch and say, ‘Hey, how long you gonna be?'”

    • #2476708

      I’m out of here for a week and a half.

      by charliespencer ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      I’ll be off-line from the 11th through the 21st. Don’t feed the trolls; I don’t need a back log of slaps.

      The veterinarian’s phone rings at 2:00 a.m. (No, Col, it doesn’t matter which time zone.) It’s a regular client, a delicate little old lady with a pair of toy poodles. The bitch is in heat (the dog, not the old lady), and she says they’ve been making whoopie for over eight hours.

      “How can I separate them?”
      “Well, ma’am, put out some dog food. They’re probably more hungry than amorous. When they smell the food, they’ll separate.”

      She hangs up, but 20 minutes later she calls back. The purse-puppies are still at it.

      “Pick them up, one in each hand, and put them in the bathtub and turn the shower on cold.”
      “Thank you!”

      30 minutes later, the phone rings. Guess who?

      “Okay, lady, put some newspapers down as close to the phone as possible, put the wet dogs on the papers, and I’ll call you back in a half an hour. Let the phone ring at least a dozen times before you pick it up.”
      “My heavens, however will that separate them?”
      “Beats me, lady, but it’s worked on me three times in a row!”

      • #2476631

        That was really bad

        by tig2 ·

        In reply to I’m out of here for a week and a half.

        I will cheerfully collect all of your slaps and shove them into this handy pre-addressed envelope for you. You won’t miss a thing!

        Enjoy your vacation, Palmetto. Bout bloody time you took some time.

        Love to you and yours! We’ll miss you, you know! 😡

    • #2476678

      Here’s the situation..

      by maecuff ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

      1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
      2. An old friend who once saved your life.
      3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

      Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

      This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

      The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.”

      Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought Limitations. Never forget to “Think outside of the Box.”

      HOWEVER…………

      The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

      God, I just love happy endings.

      • #2476673

        ah yes..

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to Here’s the situation..

        cars sex and booze..thats what its all about 🙂

      • #2476582

        The correct answer

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Here’s the situation..

        Don’t you think you could have dodged the car? :p

        • #2476580

          That’s it..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to The correct answer

          You’re definitely getting an ass whuppin..

        • #2476576

          What now?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to That’s it..

          Here I was just trying to look out for you?!?!

          Some people you just can’t be NICE to! 😀

        • #2476573

          that’s right..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to What now?

          your brand of nice..

          and you aren’t getting out of your ass kicking.

        • #2476570

          Like the classic song goes

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to that’s right..

          Whadaya mean I’m not kind? Just not YOUR kind!

          :p

          hey, wait a minute. I thought it was gunna be a whuppin? Make your mind! 😀

          Oh well, they do say the mind is the first thing to go, and that was at LEAST 5 minutes ago that you posted the other post….. ;\

        • #2476567

          you’re only making it harder on yourself

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Like the classic song goes

          Every comment you make, means my foot goes that much deeper.

        • #2476566

          JD Sweetheart

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Like the classic song goes

          You are effectively taking a chainsaw to the thin ice you are skating on.

          I’ll hold you down while Mae beats you with her shovel.

          You should know better…

        • #2476560

          Mae, he might like it too much

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Like the classic song goes

          so come up with a different kind of whuppin. :^0

        • #2476553

          Reminds me of growing up…….

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Like the classic song goes

          and the crazy cat lady yelling at people from her porch if you played too loudly…..

          Here I thought she was BORN that way, and all along it turns out to be a natural part of the aging process. ;\

          I would try to reason with you, but you would just turn your hearing aid down! :p

          B-)

        • #2476538

          JD, I contacted Federal Inept

          by charliespencer ·

          In reply to Like the classic song goes

          They’re rerouting my order of hard hats to you.

        • #2476512

          Wouldn’t be much help Palmetto

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Like the classic song goes

          [b]THAT[/b] isn’t the end she is going for…. :0

          Kind of makes you wonder though, as it seems that after all this time, it is HER that seems to be pre-occupied with sticking things THERE! ;\

          Makes you go “hhmmmmmmmm”!

          B-) :^0

        • #2476502

          Well, JD, you keep asking for it

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to Like the classic song goes

          It looks like it makes [b]you[/b] go “mmmmmmmmmm”!

          ;\

        • #2478744

          <> ~NT~

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to Like the classic song goes

          .

        • #2479433

          It’s devolving. One post at a time.

          by meryllogue ·

          In reply to Like the classic song goes

          Lower it sinks…. Will the swamp reclaim its own? lol

        • #2479281

          It appears that the lower it sinks

          by the scummy one ·

          In reply to Like the classic song goes

          the more Pond Scum is around!!!
          Hmmm, any connection there?

        • #2478089

          Things haven’t changed :-)

          by surflover ·

          In reply to The correct answer

          Hi Mae, JD !,

          I see you are still have the same banters going you did a couple years ago :-)…

          I’ve been off starting up a virtualization company (racemi) since I last haunted these posts… Haven’t had (and still really don’t have) the time to post like I did in 2005, but it’s good to see the gang’s still here :-)… I’ll try to start posting some again…

          Be Well!
          -Surf

        • #2478028

          Hey Surf!

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Things haven’t changed :-)

          Has it really been a couple of years? I must be getting old..my mind is slipping.

          Anyway, good to see you again! How’s the company coming along?

        • #2477799

          Hi Mae :-)

          by surflover ·

          In reply to Hey Surf!

          Growing like crazy, keeping me swamped!… check it out, it’s pretty cool stuff :-)… (www.racemi.com) and yes my dear, it has been almost 23 months since I perused the TR watercooler 🙂
          -Surf

        • #2477306

          Time flies..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Hi Mae :-)

          I checked out your website. I promise to pass your information along whenever I can.

          I recently got out of management (started a new job 6 weeks ago) so, I have recently lost all my decision making responsibilities. Kinda nice, actually.

        • #2479290

          Thanks Mae!

          by surflover ·

          In reply to Time flies..

          Best wishes in your new role!… There are many days where I think back to some of my earlier roles and wonder if that wouldn’t make life a lot easier… But I’m too far up the tree now to jump (the fall might be fatal) 🙂

      • #2476543

        Nah, that’s not the right problem.

        by charliespencer ·

        In reply to Here’s the situation..

        You’re in Vegas at your company’s annual sales conference. You take a shortcut by the swimming pool en route to the new product demonstration for several major customers. You notice the CEO, VP of HR, and Marketing VP in the pool. All three appear to be drowning, with only seconds to live. it’s obvious you only have time to save one.

        Do you blow off the presentation to hit the casino, or try to squeeze in 18 holes before the sun sets?

      • #2479435

        LMAO!!!! TOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!

        by meryllogue ·

        In reply to Here’s the situation..

        Happy endings always make me cry. Well… tears of joy?

      • #2472416

        Not life or death

        by 1cat2many ·

        In reply to Here’s the situation..

        I would grab the perfect partner. They’re at a bus stop waiting for a bus, not the grim reaper.

    • #2476676

      its a sad sad day when no one posts in the Yuk

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      oi…everyone on holidays then?

      right oh, I’m off to the pub now..there’s drinks to be having..

      maybe someone there has some jokes….
      ]:)

      • #2476662

        Shell…

        by inkling ·

        In reply to its a sad sad day when no one posts in the Yuk

        If you happen to run into any U.S. Marines at any of the pubs you go to, be extra nice to them for me.

        My cousin is on embassy duty there in Dublin.

        • #2476575

          Embassy duty

          by jamesrl ·

          In reply to Shell…

          Once upon a time, I worked in a camera store very close to the old US embassy in Ottawa. The US ambassador was quite the photographer, and he would give us films to process. Often he would be too busy and he would send a Marine.

          We got to know a few of them, and they would bring in their own film as well. I saw some nice pics of offroad jeep adventures(the marine looked at them so he could order reprints and enlaregments).

          One of the marine guards was cutoff in traffic when offduty. At a red light he got out of his car, pulled out the driver who cut him off and beat him to a bloody pulp. But as embassy staff, he had diplomatic immunity and was simply asked to leave.

          I wonder which isolated post he ended up at.

          I was on an informal baseball team and someone invited us to play the US marine guard. I think I caught a bad cold in the middle of summer. Talk about competitive.

          James

        • #2476564

          Yeah…

          by inkling ·

          In reply to Embassy duty

          Marines are easily the most competitive group I have ever been a part of.

          Like any other portion of society, you have your good apples and your bad apples. The Marines that I call friends would have tried to kill you on any playing field and then bought you a few rounds after the game was over.

          Also, 99% of the Marines that I know would have beat the crap out of that Marine for attacking a civilian like that. The Marine Corps is a very proud organization and we don’t take kindly to people tarnishing it in that manner. Incidentally, this is why if you ever hear someone who claims to be a Marine, call themself an ex-Marine he (or she) either got dishonorably discharged or is a liar. Anyone that served honorably in the Marine Corps is considered a “former” Marine.

          Marines on embassy duty (unless it’s a hardship tour), live the good life. They live in nice places, their apartments are cleaned by maids, in many places they have their own bars…of course the job itself can suck bad. Most times you have two options (a) being bored out of your mind standing guard or (b) being scared out of your mind because your embassy is in hostile territory.

        • #2476533

          Life in Ottawa

          by jamesrl ·

          In reply to Yeah…

          Other than the temperature and cold in winter, Ottawa is far from a hardship posting. Back then the bars did close at 1 AM, so many people scooted across the border to Quebec where the bars are open till 3.

          Ottawa has very little industry – its either civil service or high tech. The male female ratio is in men’s favour. You can go whitewater rafting/kayaking/hiking/cycling in the summer, skiing/snowmobiling in the winter. Montreal is a little over two hours away, Toronto 5. True rugged wilderness is about 2 hours north.

          Yeh I meant no disrespect to the Corps when I mentioned the bad egg. I know we all have them. One of my staff was in an elite unit in the Canadian forces, and left months before the Somalia mission, where that unit did some terrible things, torturing and killing a Somali boy who snuck into camp to steal. But I don’t blame the unit itself.

          I often look at the Corps as close in kinship to the Canadian forces. For the most part the Corps has to make do with less – the US Army gets more funds and more toys, the Corp has to do the most with the least. Both the Canadian Forces and the Corps use the same APCs (LAV III), same planes (F/A 18), same rifle (M4/M16).

          James

        • #2476519

          I saw a program that highlighted Real Heros

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Yeah…

          This show was about two DSS agents in hostile territory. The Diplomatic Security Service are one tough group. I wish I could remember their names, cause I nerver want to cross one.

          One of the things they said was most Diplomats, if in deep trouble, could call in the Marines to help them. If the DSS agents were in trouble, there was not help.
          After their tour in Africa, the went to Afganistan Embassy.

        • #2477742

          On rare occasion the beating would be completely appropriate…

          by f4a6pilot ·

          In reply to Yeah…

          I got cut off by a jerk with diplomatic plated SUV 5 times in about 16 miles of traffic. I knocked on the drivers window when we stopped in traffic. The fellow in the back seat flipped me off…

          I returned to the car after we had gotten stopped a mile further down the road. I patiently explained that if I ever got cut off again by this jerk that the fellow in the back seat and the fellow in the front seat would both reget it… Two miles later I got pulled over by the local police. I had forgotten that talking to someone with diplomatic plates scared them…

          I explained to the police officer that I consider being flipped off by a guest in our country very rude, and had just explained that courtesy from a guest in our country was expected. The policeman wanted to peer through my stuff, and he wanted me to open my trunk. I asked for his warrant. We had our pissing match and the policeman followed me to work.

        • #2477602

          Well in this case its the opposite.

          by jamesrl ·

          In reply to On rare occasion the beating would be completely appropriate…

          The guy who cut someone off (apparently) was the resident, and the guy who did the beating was the Marine, a guest in our country, who used his diplomatic status to avoid prosecution. I don’t think the Marine had diplomatic plates, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have status.

          I understand why we have diplomatic status and why we need to protect diplomats from “harrassment”.

          Having lived in Ottawa for 5 years, I am well aware of not only parking violations (free pass to park wherever they darn well please) but traffic offences etc committed by diplomats of all countries. I’ve seen people cheer when someone tows a diplomat’s car from a no parking zone.

          James

        • #2476539

          Marines

          by rjkirk_50 ·

          In reply to Embassy duty

          I tried to join the Marines when I was young and foolish. They refused me, my parents were married….

          SEMPER FI
          Marines are like women – can’t live with them, can’t live without them…

        • #2477741

          I thought that was the pre-req for Annapolis.

          by f4a6pilot ·

          In reply to Marines

          That’s right those parents couldn’t have been introduced…

        • #2476531

          The best Marine joke ever (at least, from an Army point of view).

          by charliespencer ·

          In reply to Embassy duty

          The Marine gets off the plane at the Columbia airport, transferring to Parris Island. He’s standing tall and looking good. You can shave in the reflection of his shoes, using the creases on his pants. A small boy runs up to him.

          “Are you a Marine?”
          “I sure am, son. Would you like to wear my hat?”
          “Gee, Mr. Marine, that would be neat!!!”

          The jarhead hand the kid his hat. The boy puts it on and starts running around the terminal shouting, “I’m a Marine! I’m a Marine!”

          An Airborne soldier exits his plane bound for DI duty at Ft. Jackson. He’s got on one combat boot and one low-quarter shoe, both muddy, neither shined. He’s got a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and the latest issue of Penthouse in the other. The kid almost runs into him.

          “Hey, kid, watch it!”
          “Wow, are you really a Ranger?”
          “F*ing right I am. Would you like to kiss my ass?”
          “Oh, no, I just borrowed this hat.”

          ******

          If you tell this to a Marine, be sure to replace “kiss my ass” with something more vulgar involving suction the male anatomy.

        • #2478807

          Wrong Palm…the best Marine joke is….

          by inkling ·

          In reply to The best Marine joke ever (at least, from an Army point of view).

          How many Marines does it take to kick a soldier’s ass?

          Five. Four to shake him out of the tree and one to stomp him into mush.

        • #2478740

          5?

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to Wrong Palm…the best Marine joke is….

          I thought Marines were tough, sholdn’t it be two? one to shake the tree and one to beat him to a pulp?

          or are you saying the marines aren’t as tough as the Canadian Forces? 😉

        • #2478519

          Most likely…

          by inkling ·

          In reply to 5?

          It would be more like thirty Marines, not because it’s necessary, but because you just can’t keep Marines away from fun like that.

          They would all be laughing while they lobbed MRE bombs at him until he fell out of the tree.

          Then they wouldn’t even waste the effort to kick his ass.

        • #2477111

          MRE bombs?????

          by jaqui ·

          In reply to 5?

          That is cruel and unusual punishment, possibly even a crime against humanity.

        • #2476903

          MREs

          by inkling ·

          In reply to 5?

          come with a little bottle of Tabasco sauce in them.

          They also come with a pouch that will heat your food.

          If you cut that pouch open, put some of the stuff from inside it in the Tabasco bottle with a little water…

          Tiny shards of Tabasco-covered glass everywhere!

          When we did night land navigation courses my team would always finish first and set up ambushes with MRE bombs for the other squads.

          Man I miss blowing s*** up and getting paid for it.

        • #2478484

          cool

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Shell…

          US Embassy is like across the road and one corner down from the pub i drink in 🙂
          In plain view while I’m drinking.

          does he have to stand outside ever?? if so i could go cause trouble and blame it on you!! 🙂

        • #2476905

          I doubt…

          by inkling ·

          In reply to cool

          that he stands outside much. He’s a Sergeant and I imagine the crappy jobs go to the lower ranking individuals. Then again, for all I know that might be considered one of the better jobs depending on the weather…I knew a few Marines on embassy duty, but we never discussed the job part of it in that much detail. We usually just talked about the partying.

          What’s the name of the pub? I’ll have to ask my cousin if he ever goes to that one.

        • #2477702

          Pub(s)

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to I doubt…

          Well, there are 3 pubs in a row..
          generally we hit the first one:
          Crowe’s..(cause god knows walking 8 more steps when ya need is a drink is just tooo far)
          Then there is Mary Macs & Paddy Cullens.

      • #2476611

        Welcome to my world of Yuk

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to its a sad sad day when no one posts in the Yuk

        Look at past Friday Yuks where I posted and posted and few came in to post.

        I did get thanks from people that read. I am busy now, will try to post some later. 🙂

        • #2476559

          I don’t know….

          by inkling ·

          In reply to Welcome to my world of Yuk

          What the problem was last week, but I gave up after attempting to post like six or seven different times.

          I was trying to post a few jokes and to thank you for your contribution.

        • #2476511

          I caught you thank you in another post

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to I don’t know….

          I very much appreciated it. But the Friday Yuk did feel lonesome for a while 😀

          Fortunately, I would not let a little thing like that stop me. :^0

        • #2476992

          I have noticed that

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to I caught you thank you in another post

          The yuk’s seem to be a lot quieter than they were, I can’t believe its only Monday and I actually had to search for the yuk!!

    • #2476622

      Fall courses for Men.

      by tig2 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      Classes Tonight – Please Sign Up

      Classes for men at our local Learning Center for Adults – Sign-up by
      Oct. 30th
      NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content, each
      course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

      TOPIC 1
      HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
      Step by step, with slide presentation.

      TOPIC 2
      THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
      Round table discussion..

      TOPIC 3
      IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND
      AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
      Group Practice.

      TOPIC 4
      FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
      Pictures and explanatory graphics.

      TOPIC 5
      THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE
      KITCHEN SINK?
      Examples on Video.

      TOPIC 6
      LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING OTHERS TO USE IT.
      Help line support and support groups.

      TOPIC 7
      LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
      INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
      Open forum.

      TOPIC 8
      HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
      Graphics and audio tape.

      TOPIC 9
      REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
      Real life testimonials.

      TOPIC 10
      IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
      Driving simulation.

      TOPIC 11
      LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVING ALONE OR WITH OTHERS.
      Online classes and role playing.

      TOPIC 12
      HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
      Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

      TOPIC 13
      HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER
      IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE.
      Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

      TOPIC 14
      CAR KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS:
      Practice on developing skills of putting things back where they belong so
      that they can be easily found.

      Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to any survivors.

      • #2476551

        I think I do need help then!

        by the scummy one ·

        In reply to Fall courses for Men.

        #1 — video appreciated. But would require me to do something. I will just buy a bag of ice instead.

        #2 — whats wrong with placing it on the counter???

        #3 — not possible. No need o train

        #4 — Hmmm — need help here. I cannot tell the difference

        #5 — Yes they can, as long as a roommate is there (for some odd reason). Otherwise they just sit around. Good reason to use plastic dinnerware and paper plates.

        #6 — Remote loss and/or another person touching it. Hmmm, ok, I need the support group.

        #7 — not possible. I put things away and they just levitate and move themselves around.

        #8 — not needed. Plant a rose bush in the yard and just tell her to go outside and see it once in a while! :^0

        #9 — Nope, this is untrue. Real men hide the GPS and dont get lost unless the GPS is a POS.

        #10 — Help needed.

        #11 — Help Needed, the difference as I see it is that alone means things dont ‘magically’ clean themselves.

        #12 — Will never happen. She always wants to spend 3 months money in 1 day. I cannot just try calming down or “breathing techniques”. Who need 16 $200 shoes anyway, get some universal sandals (or your own job).

        #13 — Help needed. I am bad enough that I have forgotten my own birthday before, and often forget how old I really am (until I count).

        #14 — no problem if those pesky gremlins would stop moving them afterwards. I do not have a problem here.

    • #2476620

      Poetry from our feline friends

      by tig2 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      CAT HAIKU

      You never feed me.
      Perhaps I’ll sleep on your face.
      That will sure show you.

      I need a new toy.
      Tail of black dog keeps good time.
      Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!

      The rule for today:
      Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
      New rule tomorrow.

      In deep sleep hear sound;
      Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
      Will find in morning.

      Grace personified,
      I leap into the window.
      I meant to do that.

      The mighty hunter
      Returns with gifts of plump birds–
      Your foot just squashed one.

      You’re always typing.
      Well, let’s see you ignore my
      sitting on your hands.

      Kitty like plastic.
      Confuses for litter box.
      Don’t leave tarp around.

      Small brave carnivores
      Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
      Fear vacuum cleaner

      Wanna go outside.
      Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
      Let me back inside!

      Cats meow out of angst
      “Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
      We could break so much!”

      Litter box not here.
      You must have moved it again.
      I’ll poop in the sink.

    • #2476616

      Thoughts of cats… without feline commentary

      by tig2 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      “The more people I meet the more I like my cat.”
      –Anonymous
      “I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little, they become its visible soul.”
      –Jean Cocteau
      “By associating with the cat one only risks becoming richer.”
      –Colette
      “Cats are designated friends.”
      –Norman Corwin
      “The smallest feline is a masterpiece.”
      –Leonardo Da Vinci
      “Cat: A pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings.”
      –Oliver Herford
      “To err is human, to purr. feline.”
      –Robert Byrne
      “They say the test of literary power is whether a man can write an inscription. I say, “Can he name a kitten?”
      –Samuel Butler
      “I’ve met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.”
      –Hippolyte Taine
      “Cats don’t like change without their consent.”
      –Roger A. Caras
      “Prowling his own quiet backyard or asleep by the fire, he is still only a whisker away from the wilds.”
      –Jean Burden
      “An ordinary kitten will ask more questions than any five year old.”
      –Carl Van Vechten
      “As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.”
      –Ellen Perry Berkeley
      “If cats could talk, they wouldn’t bother.”
      –Nan Porter
      “Purring would seem to be, in her case, an automatic safety-valve device for dealing with happiness overflow.”
      –Monica Edwards
      “A cat is the only domestic animal I know who toilet trains itself and does a damned impressive job of it.”
      –Joseph Epstein
      “There are no ordinary cats.”
      –Colette
      “The phrase ‘domestic cat’ is an oxymoron.”
      –George Will
      “God made the cat in order that man might have the pleasure of caressing the tiger.”
      –Fernand Mery
      “Of all God’s creatures, there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with a cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.”
      –Mark Twain
      “The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.”
      –Ernest Menaul
      “To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction– and a cat. The last ingredient is usually hardest to come by.”
      –Stephen Baker
      “Cat people are different, to the extent that they generally are not conformists. How could they be with a cat running their lives?”
      –Louis J. Camuti, DVM
      “Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True… and they have many other fine qualities as well.”
      –Missy Dizick
      “Like a graceful vase, a cat, even when motionless, seems to flow.”
      –George F. Will
      “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”
      –Jeff Valdez
      “A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
      –Hazel Nicholson
      “As we all know, cats now rule the world.”
      –John R.F. Breen
      “Cats know how to obtain food without labor, shelter without confinement, and love without penalties.”
      –W.L. George
      “Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.”
      –Joseph Wood Krutch
      “There is, indeed, no single quality of the cat that man could not emulate to his advantage.”
      –Carl Van Vechten
      “How we behave toward cats here below determines our status in heaven.”
      –Robert A. Heinlein
      “If you are worthy of its affection, a cat will be your friend- but never your slave.”
      –Theophile Gautier
      “Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many different ailments. But I have never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.”
      –Joseph Wood Krutch
      “There is nothing sweeter than his peace when at rest, for there is nothing brisker than his life when in motion.”
      –Christopher Smart
      “It’s very hard to be polite if you’re a cat.”
      –Anonymous
      “Unlike us, cats never outgrow their delight in cat capacities, nor do they settle finally for limitations. Cats, I think, live out their lives fulfilling their expectations.”
      –Irving Townsend
      “Cats are absolute individuals, with their own ideas about everything, including the people they own.”
      –John Dingman
      “I am as vigilant as a cat to steal cream.”
      –William Shakespeare, Henry IV
      “Most of us rather like our cats to have a streak of wickedness. I should not feel quite easy in the company of any cat that walked about the house with a saintly expression…”
      –Beverly Nichols
      “Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren’t like this. A dog’s idea of personal grooming is to roll in a dead fish.”
      –James Gorman
      “It is difficult to obtain the friendship of a cat. It is a philosophical animal… one that does not place its affections thoughtlessly.”
      –Theophile Gautier
      “Cats sleep Anywhere, Any table, Any chair, Top of piano, Window-ledge, In the middle, On the edge.”
      –Eleanor Farjeon
      “A cat’s got her own opinion of human beings. She don’t say much, but you can tell enough to make you anxious not to hear the whole of it.”
      –Jerome K. Jerome
      “Cats are connoisseurs of comfort.”
      –James Herriot
      “The trouble with cats is that they’ve got no tact.”
      –P.G. Wodehouse
      “The little furry buggers are just deep, deep wells you throw all your emotions into.”
      –Bruce Schimmel
      “When she walked…she stretched out long and thin like a little tiger, and held her head high to look over the grass as if she were treading the jungle.”
      –Sarah Orne Jewett
      “Who can believe that there is no soul behind those luminous eyes!”
      –Theophile Gautier
      “When I play with my cat who knows whether I do not make her more sport than she makes me?”
      –Michel de Montaigne
      “A man has to work so hard so that something of his personality stays alive. A tomcat has it so easy, he has only to spray and his presence is there for years on rainy days.”
      –Albert Einstein
      “It is with the approach of winter that cats wear their richest fur and assume an air of sumptuous and delightful opulence.”
      –Pierre Loti
      “There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
      –Wesley Bates
      “If a cat spoke, it would say things like, ‘Hey, I don’t see the problem here.'”
      –Roy Blount, Jr.
      “Way down deep, we’re all motivated by the same urges. Cats have the courage to live by them.”
      –Jim Davis
      “The smart cat doesn’t let on that he is.”
      –H. G. Frommer
      “My cat does not talk as respectfully to me as I do to her.”
      –Colette
      “Are cats lazy? Well, more power to them if they are. Which one of us has not entertained the dream of doing just as he likes, when and how he likes, and as much as he likes?”
      –Fernand Mery
      “If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer”
      –Alfred North Whitehead
      “In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods. They have never forgotten this.”
      –Unknown
      “Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures… and cats like authors for the same reasons.”
      –Robertson Davies
      “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
      –Steven Wright
      “A dog knows his master, a cat does not”
      –Eleasar B. Zadok
      “The cat is the mirror of his human’s mind… the dog mirrors his human’s physical appearance.”
      –Winifred Carriere

      You will always be lucky if you know how to make
      friends with strange cats. –Colonial American proverb

      A meow massages the heart.–Stuart McMillan

      Few have heard an angel sing, but many purr when
      stroked.

      In the middle of a world that has always been a bit
      mad, the cat walks with confidence. –Roseanne
      Anderson

      A kitten is a rosebud in the garden of the animal
      kingdom. –Robert Southey

      God gave man the cat in order that he might have the
      pleasure of caressing a tiger. –Ancient proverb

      Who could believe such pleasure from a wee ball o’
      fur? –Irish saying

      Since each of us is blessed with only one life, why
      not live it with a cat? –Robert Stearns

      A cat is perfectly willing to jog…if you are willing
      to carry him.

      Kittens are wide-eyed, soft and sweet. With needles in
      their jaws and feet. –Pam Brown

      A cat does not want all the world to love her–only
      those she has chosen to love. –Helen Thomson

      A cat’s purr: Most effective stress medicine known
      “Meow” is like Aloha; it can mean anything.

      I believe cats to be spirits come to earth. A cat, I
      am sure, could walk on a cloud without coming through.
      –Jules Verne

      The way in which she walks, the way in which she
      stalks, the way in which she “talks”, makes even the
      most ordinary cat extraordinary. –Peter Collier

      Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats
      to pull a sled through snow.

      • #2476571

        Cats…

        by gsg ·

        In reply to Thoughts of cats… without feline commentary

        Can’t live with them, and the fur’s too thin to make a rug.

        quote from a book by Mercedes Lackey.

        • #2476565

          Never forget

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to Cats…

          Cats were once worshiped as Gods. They have never forgotten this.

        • #2478745

          OH that makes a lot of sense

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Never forget

          Now I understand why the Visiting Specialist is so up themselves at the Local Hospital. Now I can also say that I don’t like Cats either. 😀

          That should confuse the hell out of them as they watch me disappear. But just to be sure that they are not Gods I’ll need to make sure that they don’t get Outpatient Appointments out in under 36 hours. Now that is a [b]Real Miracle.[/b] :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2471010

          I tried reading it backwards…

          by meryllogue ·

          In reply to OH that makes a lot of sense

          …but this post STILL made no sense.

          What the heck were you trying to say here? 🙂

        • #2470188

          If you actually read it back wards you would have seen Satan is Master!

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I tried reading it backwards…

          As for Visiting Specialists at the local Meatworks called Hospitals by the unwary they also think of themselves as Gods who can never be questioned no matter how stupid they are.

          The last time that I walked out of a Meatworks with a bunch of Nurses & Quacks trying to talk me into staying put because of [b]Imminent Death[/b] I just told them all to [b]Rack Off[/b] and it had no effect on their God Complexes. Now if I compare them to domestic cats that should put them in their place. 😀

          Col

        • #2471331

          Ummmm… yeah. Whatever you say.

          by meryllogue ·

          In reply to If you actually read it back wards you would have seen Satan is Master!

          You’re getting whackier every post. .
          🙂

        • #2471311

          Butm ‘The Beast’ is

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to If you actually read it back wards you would have seen Satan is Master!

          allowed to be ‘whacky’. Besides, you didnt read those subliminal lines correctly while concious…. ]:)

          You better watch out, or ‘The Beast’ may take wrath against you :0

      • #2476529

        Dogs have owners

        by charliespencer ·

        In reply to Thoughts of cats… without feline commentary

        Cats have a personal staff.

      • #2478738

        seven steps to bathing a cat.

        by jaqui ·

        In reply to Thoughts of cats… without feline commentary

        1) lift lid, but not seat, of toilet.
        2) put armour on.
        3) catch cat, carefully.
        4) insert cat into toilet bowl.
        5) close lid fast after letting cat go.
        6) flush toilet.
        7) use broom handle to lift toilet lid.

    • #2476613

      Cat Law

      by tig2 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      First Law of Energy Conservation
      Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

      Second Law of Energy Conservation
      Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

      Law of Refrigerator Observation
      If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

      Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
      Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

      Law of Random Comfort Seeking
      A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

      Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
      All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

      Law of Cat Embarrassment
      A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

      Law of Milk Consumption
      A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

      Law of Furniture Replacement
      A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

      Law of Cat Landing
      A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

      Law of Fluid Displacement
      A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

      Law of Cat Disinterest
      A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

      Law of Pill Rejection
      Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

      Law of Cat Composition A
      cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

      Law of Cat Inertia

      A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

      Law of Cat Motion

      A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

      Law of Cat Magnetism

      All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

      Law of Cat Thermodynamics

      Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

      Law of Cat Stretching

      A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

      Law of Cat Sleeping

      All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

      Law of Cat Elongation

      A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

      Law of Cat Obstruction

      A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

      Law of Cat Acceleration

      A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

      Law of Dinner Table Attendance

      Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

      Law of Rug Configuration

      No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

      Law of Obedience Resistance

      A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

      • #2472284

        All these cat posts…

        by meryllogue ·

        In reply to Cat Law

        … make me miss my kitty SO much!!! 🙁

        I now live in a pet-free apartment. It has so many pluses, but that is one HUGE minus.

        • #2470001

          I can send you cat hair

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to All these cat posts…

          With three of them, I have a surplus of cat hair.

          I know what you are going through. I wasn’t able to have a kitty for a couple of years. Not good.

          Try spending time volunteering at the local no-kill shelter. They always need people to go in and love on the kitties. You get purrs and you don’t have to take them home.

          It did help me a lot.

        • #2472593

          No thanks on the hair lol

          by meryllogue ·

          In reply to I can send you cat hair

          But thank you on the suggestion. It’s not a bad suggestion. I have a part time job on evenings, so would have to figure out how to juggle schedules for that. But it is appealing.

    • #2476468

      I knew it

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

    • #2476463

      Read Well

      by w2ktechman ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      Did I like retard another to it send retard a like this reading time sweet your took you since.

      (now read it backwards)

      • #2478741

        Read What? :D :^0 :D :^0 :D :^0 :p :0

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Read Well

        .

        • #2478635

          When did the BEAST go away?

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Read What? :D :^0 :D :^0 :D :^0 :p :0

          didnt think I was that far out of things recently.

        • #2478611

          Na someone rated a Non Answer :_| :_| :_| :_|

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to When did the BEAST go away?

          And I’ve been way to sick to even look at things since then.

          Col

        • #2476988

          Awww

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Na someone rated a Non Answer :_| :_| :_| :_|

          Whats up Col?

          Is that sick ie upset about 667, or sick ie SWMBO is trying to sell your corpse again?

          Hope if your ill itts not too bad and you get better soon 🙂

        • #2477676

          Apparently the level of Potassium in my blood

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Awww

          Is incompatible with Life. :p But I’m way to stupid to lie down and accept death. 😀

          I love confusing the Hell out of Quacks as I have had a full range of tests now and there is nothing to explain the problem. :^0

          Of course [b]SWMBO[/b] heard the word Potassium and immediacy grabbed the Cyndie and tried to feed it to me but I resisted. 🙁 The nasty quack that I see had a student in with him today and he offered to pass her if she could diagnose my problem. I told her not to bother as he only wanted a quick answer that he couldn’t find. Sometimes I’m nice. 😀

          Now all I have to do is find an answer to the problem and I’ll be OK. Even the woman draining blood out of me is scared of me as I scare her no end. Apparently a Arterial Blood Sample is supposed to hurt and all I could say is [b]Oh It’s over couldn’t you get any blood?[/b] She is now claiming to be sick every time she sees me walking toward her. :p

          Col ]:)

        • #2476884

          Why not have the fun of working toward another number?

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Na someone rated a Non Answer :_| :_| :_| :_|

          Why not 777 to lure the unsuspecting that Col has a lucky side. Then work toward 999. Which, of course, is the Australian for 666.

          😀

        • #2477675

          NA I like things as they are. Beth altered the answer for me. :p

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Why not have the fun of working toward another number?

          .

        • #2477526

          Good, I saw it was fixed in other dicussions

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to NA I like things as they are. Beth altered the answer for me. :p

          I came back here to ask how you got it fixed.

          Good going, just remind all that you help not to hit the button. 😀

        • #2477453

          How did you get it back to 6???

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Na someone rated a Non Answer :_| :_| :_| :_|

          ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

        • #2478112

          Simple, really

          by tig2 ·

          In reply to How did you get it back to 6???

          He whined at Beth until she “fixed” him.

          Well, he asked very nicely. And Beth is wonderful so she helped him out.

        • #2478102

          I have been sooo overworked recently

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Simple, really

          and sooo very tired that I thought my eyes were deceiving me the other day. I finally got 6 hours of sleep last night, so not as weary now, but still tired.
          I was beginning to think that my sanity was going for a joy ride! :^0 Then I read a later post in which he explained it (I think to Dads.

    • #2478735

      definition of..

      by jaqui ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      a cereal killer:

      someone who eats an entire box in one sitting, no matter how big the box.

      [buuuurrrppp]

      danged super jumbo family pack is only a light snack.

      danged typo..sheesh fingers sticky from the sugar in the cereal.. light snap indeed.

    • #2476906

      Here Col

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      is what REALLY happened to my plane, bet you wish you had joined me eh!

      http://preview.tinyurl.com/yovm6u

      • #2476902

        Ultimate Geek Cereal!

        by steffi28 ·

        In reply to Here Col

        • #2476882

          Correct the spelling, put a cute kid on the cover

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Ultimate Geek Cereal!

          and they could very likely sell the cereal her in the USA.

      • #2477668

        Not really My Dear

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Here Col

        You should see the Palms growing in the UK now that it’s parked on the Equator. :p

        I can even visit Kew Gardens more often as well and when I finally finish off the move I can live there away from prying eyes. God it’s great having your own country to play with. :^0

        I’ve even had Liverpool cut off and towed away before sinking the place as it was a eyesore on my [b]New Improved UK.[/b] :0

        You should see what I’m using as Servants now that I own the place. 😀

        Col ]:)

    • #2476878

      Dumb Jokes!!! :)

      by dadspad ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
      Unique Up On It.

      2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
      Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

      3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
      They Take The Psycho Path

      4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
      You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

      5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
      Dam!

      6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
      Polaroid’s

      7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
      A Stick

      8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
      Nacho Cheese.

      9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers?
      Subordinate Clauses.

      10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
      Quatro Sinko…

      11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
      Spoiled Milk.

      12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
      Frostbite.

      13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
      A Nervous Wreck.

      14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
      Anyone Can Roast Beef.

      15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
      Right Where You Left Him.

      16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
      Because They Have Big Fingers.

      17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
      Sanka.

      18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
      The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

      19. What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
      A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
      A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

      20. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Texas Divorce The Same?
      Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer

      Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile.

      • #2476877

        Three Horney Dogs

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to Dumb Jokes!!! :)

        There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German shephard and a Chihuaha)

        A poodle walked by and she says “Ill let one of you frick me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence”

        The Bulldog says “I hate liver and cheese”

        She says “Nope that wont work”

        The German shephard says “I love liver and cheese”

        She says “Nope that wont work”

        The Chihuaha says “Liver alone cheese mine”

        • #2476874

          Things to think about

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Three Horney Dogs

          Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

          One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…..

          Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

          If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

          The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

          I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,”Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

          What if there were no hypothetical questions?

          If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

          If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

          Is there another word for synonym?

          Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

          What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

          If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

          Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

          Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

          If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

          Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

          If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

          Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

          How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

          What was the best thing before sliced bread?

          One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

          Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

          Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

          How is it possible to have a civil war?

          If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

          If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

          If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

          Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?

          Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

          Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

          Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

          If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

          Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

        • #2476873

          The Talking Clock

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Things to think about

          While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

          “What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked. “Why, that’s the talking clock” the man replied. “How does it work?” “Watch”, the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

          Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “For f*cks sake, you wanker, it’s 2am in the f*cking morning!!”

        • #2476870

          First time cussers

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to The Talking Clock

          A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we start cussing.” The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to say hell and you say ass.”

          “OK!” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

          Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. “Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

          WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts “You can just stay there till I let you out!”

          She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

          “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “But you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

        • #2472300

          SOOO unexpected!

          by meryllogue ·

          In reply to First time cussers

          This was so unexpected of a punch line that I had to stop everything to just let this one roll over me time and again! Good stuff!

        • #2477588

          They used to have a lot of trouble with that…..

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Things to think about

          [i]How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?[/i]

          with the old text-style sign, “DEER XING”, but in the late 1970s some bright engineer made a very important discovery: [b]Deer can’t read![/b] So they changed them all to the pictorial signs and we haven’t had a problem since.

        • #2477520

          Except for the idiots that stop to take a picture of a Deer

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to They used to have a lot of trouble with that…..

          😀

        • #2478132

          A real one or the one on the sign?

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Except for the idiots that stop to take a picture of a Deer

          🙂

        • #2477406

          Would they know the difference :D

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to A real one or the one on the sign?

          😀

    • #2477584

      Recently asked in first-grade classroom

      by tonythetiger ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      “Are farts supposed to have lumps in them?”

    • #2477515

      Magic Apples :D

      by dadspad ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

      “What’s in the bag?” the youngster asked.

      “magic apples”, the old man replied.

      “Prove it”, said the young man.

      “Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?” asked the old man.

      “Watermelon and peaches”, he answered.

      The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. “Ok, turn it over”, he said.

      The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

      The youngster still wasn’t convinced that they were magic.

      The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

      “I like to eat pu$$y.” he snapped.

      The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

      He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, “That tasted like shlt”.

      The old man looked at him, smiled and said, “Turn it over.”

      • #2477513

        Ideal Man

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to Magic Apples :D

        A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

        RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE …NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

        1) WON’T BEAT ME UP
        2) WON’T RUN AWAY
        3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

        For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

        Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

        Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you? And what do you want?”

        “Hi,” he said, ” your search is over, for I’m the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms so I can’t beat you up and no legs so I can’t run away.”

        “Well, then,” she said, “what makes you think that you’re so great in bed?”

        To which he replied,….. “Well, I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?

        • #2477511

          Heaven’s ugliest women

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Ideal Man

          Three men were waiting at Heaven’s Gate. St. Peter says, “OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe.”

          So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

          The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

          So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, “How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?”

          He nudges the babe and says, “Tell them.” She says to the first two guys, “I lied.”

        • #2477455

          The Scotsman and the Growler

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Heaven’s ugliest women

          A Scotsman is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

          Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

          To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

          The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, “Are you looking at my growler?” “Yes, I’m sorry, ” says the Scotsman and promises to avert his eyes.

          “It’s quite alright,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.”

          Sure enough the growler blows him a kiss.

          Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the growler can do.

          “I can also make it wink, ” says the woman.

          The Scotsman stares in amazement as the growler winks at him.

          “Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat.

          The Scotsman moves over and is asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?”

          Stunned, The Scotsman replies, “Good grief! Can it whistle, too?”

        • #2478130

          What to do for car problems

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to The Scotsman and the Growler

          A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible….

          That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it’s gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

          At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn’t have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

          “That’s a lovely car,” said the mechanic. “What seems to be the matter?” “Well, it just conked out I’m afraid.”

          “Let me have look.” He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

          “Thank goodness,” she said. “What was the matter?” “Simple really, just crap in the carburetor,” he replied.

          Looking shocked she asked, “Oh, OK… How many times a week do I have to do that?”

        • #2478124

          Marriage Quotes

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to What to do for car problems

          My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
          — Henny Youngman

          My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
          — Rodney Dangerfield

          A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
          — Milton Berle

          I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
          — George Burns

          What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
          About 30 pounds.
          — Cindy Garner

          I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.”
          — Henny Youngman

          Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
          — Phyllis Diller

          The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
          — Henny Youngman

          People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
          — Erma Bombeck

          After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

          When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

          I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

          My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

          A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

          Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

        • #2478118

          trick question

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Marriage Quotes

          A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds.

          Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

          “Well,” the man says, “I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse.”

          “What kind of question?” the neighbor asks.

          “My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.”

          “That’s easy,” says the neighbor. “You just say, ‘Of course I will'”.

          “Yeah,” says the other man, “that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was, ‘Of course I do.'”

        • #2478114

          King of the Jungle

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Marriage Quotes

          A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,”Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,….

          “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?” The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle! “On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

          Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

          The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant – “Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”

      • #2477397

        Forgettable quotes

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to Magic Apples :D

        Smoking kills. If you?re killed, you?ve lost a very important part of your life.?

        ~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

        – – – – – – – – – –

        Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
        Answer: ?I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,?

        ~ Miss Alabama?s Heather Whitestone in the 1994 Miss USA contest, who was later selected as Miss America 1995.

        – – – – – – – – – –

        ?Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can?t help but cry. I mean I?d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.?

        ~ Mariah Carey

        – – – – – – – – – –

        ?I?ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body?

        ~ Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

        – – – – – – – – – –

        ?Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country?

        ~ Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

        – – – – – – – – – –

        ?I?m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.?

        ~ Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

        – – – – – – – – – –

        ?That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I?m just the one to do it.?

        ~ A congressional candidate in Texas.

        – – – – – – – – – –

        ?Half this game is ninety percent mental.?

        ~ Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

        – – – – – – – – – –

        ?It isn?t pollution that?s harming the environment. It?s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.?

        And (yea he gets two)?

        ?We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.?

        ~ Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States (and inventor of teh internet : )

        – – – – – – – – – –

        ?I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .?

        ~ Dan Quayle

        – – – – – – – – – –

        ?We?ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need??

        ~ Lee Iacocca

        – – – – – – – – – –

        ?The word ?genius? isn?t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.?

        ~ Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

        – – – – – – – – – –

        ?We don?t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people?

        ~ Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

        – – – – – – – – – –

        ?If we don?t succeed, we run the risk of failure.?

        ~ Bill Clinton, Former President of the United States

        – – – – – – – – – –

        ?Traditionally, most of Australia ?s imports come from overseas.?

        ~ Keppel Enderbery

        – – – – – – – – – –

        ?Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.?

        ~ Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

        – – – – – – – – – –

        ?If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there?ll be a record.?

        ~ Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

        • #2477388

          I?m glad I?m a man

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Forgettable quotes

          I?m Glad I?m A Man
          I?m glad I?m a man, you better believe.
          I don?t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
          I don?t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
          I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west
          I don?t get wasted after only 2 beers
          and when I do drink I don?t end up in tears.

          I won?t spend hours deciding what to wear,
          I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
          and I don?t go around checking my reflection
          in everything shiny from every direction.
          I don?t whine in public and make us leave early
          and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

          I?m glad I?m a man, I?m so glad I could sing
          I don?t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
          I don?t gossip about friends or stab them in the back
          I don?t carry our differences into the sack.
          I?ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
          or think every guy out there?s trying to steal you.
          I?m rational, reasonable, and logical too
          I know what the time is and I know what to do.

          And I honestly think its a privilege for me
          to have these two balls and stand when I pee
          I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
          It?s more fun than dealing with women after all
          I won?t cry if you figure out it?s not going to work
          I won?t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
          Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
          I won?t assume it?s permanent by any measure.

          Yes, I?m glad I?m a man, a man you see
          I?m glad I?m not capable of child delivery
          I don?t get all bitchy every 28 days
          I?m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
          I?m a man by chance and I?m thankful it?s true
          I?m so glad I?m a man and not a woman like you!

        • #2477386

          I?m glad I?m a woman

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to I?m glad I?m a man

          I?m glad I?m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
          I don?t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
          I don?t brag to my buddies about my erections
          I won?t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
          I don?t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
          and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

          I won?t grab your hooters, I won?t pinch your butt
          my belt buckle?s not hidden beneath my beer gut
          and I don?t go around ?readjusting? my crotch
          or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
          I don?t belch in public, I don?t scratch my behind
          I?m a woman you see ? I?m just not that kind!

          I?m glad I?m a woman, I?m so glad I could sing
          I don?t have body hair like shag carpeting
          It doesn?t grow from my ears or cover my back
          When I lean over you can?t see 3 inches of crack
          And what?s on my head doesn?t leave with my comb
          I?ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
          Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
          I?m a woman, you know ? I?ve got far too much pride!

          And I honestly think its a privilege for me
          to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
          I don?t live to play golf and shoot basketball
          I don?t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
          I won?t tell you my wife just does not understand
          stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
          or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
          then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

          Yes, I?m glad I?m a woman, a woman you see
          you can forget all about that old p@nis envy
          I don?t long for male bonding, I don?t cruise for chicks
          join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my d*ck
          I?m a woman by chance and I?m thankful it?s true
          I?m so glad I?m a woman and not a man like you!

        • #2477339

          Dusty Underware

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to I?m glad I?m a woman

          One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife ?Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!? His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn?t let such a comment go unrewarded.

          The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ?What the Hell is this?? he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. ?April,? he hollered into the bathroom, ?Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear??

          She replied with a snicker, ?It?s not talcum powder honey? it?s Miracle Grow!?

        • #2477319

          You might have been a child in the 80?s if

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Dusty Underware

          you might have been a child in the 80?s if any of the following applies to you?

          You have deep, personal relationships via computers with people you?ve never met in real life before.

          Three words: ?Atari? ?IntelliVision? and ?Coleco?. Sound familiar?

          You remember the days when ?safe sex? meant ?my parents are gone for the weekend?.

          The phrase ?Where?s the beef?? still doubles you over with laughter.

          The phrase ?going courting?, to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.

          You know, by heart, the words to any ?Weird? Al Yankovic song.

          You remember ?Friday Night Videos? before the days of MTV.

          You ever owned a pair of ?Pop-Wheels? – that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.

          A predominant color in your childhood photos is ?plaid?.

          You?re pissed that you couldn?t really participate in the 60?s, pissed that you were a part of the 70?s, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80?s, and still have no clue what the 90?s are all about.

          You see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.

          While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play ?1999″ by Prince over and over again.

          You remember when music that was labeled ?alternative? really was.

          You were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name ?JFK?, the first thing you think of is ?Oliver Stone?.

          You, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to ?It?s the end of the world as we know it?.

          You can?t remember when the word ?networking? didn?t have a computer connotation to it as well.

          You took family trips before the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

          You knew all the words to Billy Joel?s We Didn?t Start the Fire, but it really didn?t hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.

          You?ve ever conversationally used the phrase ?Jane, you ignorant slut?.

          You?ve recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases:

          ?When I was younger?
          ?When I was your age?
          ?You know, back when??
          ?Because I said so, that?s why?
          ?What the Hell is this noise on the radio??
          ?Just can?t (fill in the blank) like I used to?

          You can?t remember a time when ?going out for coffee? didn?t involve 49,000 selections to choose from.

          Schoolhouse Rock played a huge part in how you actually learned the English language.

          Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you ?sir? or ?ma?am?.

          ?Celebration? by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.

          The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during ?Crazy for You? by Madonna.

          When someone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.

          You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.

          You ever used the phrase ?don?t make me angry?you wouldn?t like me when I?m angry? when trying to frighten someone off.

          You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.

          There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of ?Skip? ?Buffy? ?Muffy? or ?Dexter?.

          You?re starting to believe that maybe 30 isn?t so old after all, and it?s those people over 40 you have to look out for.

          You freaked out when you found that you now fall into the ?26 – 50″ age category on most questionnaires.

          You have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.

          Your hair, at some point in time in the 80?s, became something which can only be described by the phrase ?I was experimenting?.

          This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool. Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the theaters?you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia?s breasts or Han Solo?s butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and ?teen?-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

          You remember when the phrase ?candy is dandy, but sex won?t rot your teeth? started getting followed by ?yeah, but M&M?s won?t give you AIDS??.

          You?ve ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?

          You?re starting to believe (now that it wouldn?t affect you) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn?t be such a bad idea after all.

          You?re doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.

          You won?t walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because ?there?s too many kids there?.

          Going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.

          You want to go out dancing, you really, really do, but your back hurts, sorry.

          You?re starting to get that ?why aren?t you married yet? shpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends that are married.

          You?ve recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.

          You?re finding that you just don?t understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.

          (Mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you?re still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there?s nothing really good on cable that you?d be missing first.

          U2 is too ?popular? and ?mainstream? for you now.

          You ever used the phrase ?kiss mah grits? in conversation.

          You remember ?Hey, let?s be careful out there?.

          You know who shot J.R.

          This rings a bell: ?and my name, is Charlie. They work for me.?

        • #2477254

          I wasnt a ‘child’ in the 80’s, but

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to You might have been a child in the 80?s if

          Three words: ?Atari? ?IntelliVision? and ?Coleco?. Sound familiar?
          not sound familiar, played them often. I still have my original Super Pong (Atari, before cartridges) and Atari 2600 somewhere.

          You took family trips before the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
          A big ugly-ass beast it was too. But great at the drive in movies.

          Your hair, at some point in time in the 80?s, became something which can only be described by the phrase ?I was experimenting?.
          Funny, I shaved my head at 14, not much experimenting. Now it wants to leave all on its own (no razor needed).

          Going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.
          Woods, caves, whatever worked.

          This rings a bell: ?and my name, is Charlie. They work for me.?
          watched it every week.

        • #2478963

          to W2K

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to You might have been a child in the 80?s if

          I was not a child of the 80’s, but had one that was and one that was a child of the 90’s. But since one is in the house, the whole family went through it. 😀

          Yes, Charlie brings good memories.

        • #2479414

          This is apparently why

          by ganyssa ·

          In reply to You might have been a child in the 80?s if

          all of my childhood photos involve plaid and a shag haircut.

    • #2477314

      Shel said “Friday Yuk..Come ON people “

      by dadspad ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      Am I the only one listening to her?

      • #2477300

        I’m listening

        by tig2 ·

        In reply to Shel said “Friday Yuk..Come ON people “

        But I’ve already posted the really good cat stuff and I am surfing TR between chores.

        Right now, I am pretending that it takes the iron a half hour to cool down before I can put more water in it to finish ironing. So far, I’m being pretty convincing.
        🙂

        • #2478960

          Ahhhhh…. are you trying ot compete with Mae

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to I’m listening

          with an Iron???

          OUCH! A hot iron will hurt! :0

          😀 And the mark will stay a long time.

        • #2479376

          Oh No!!! :0

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Ahhhhh…. are you trying ot compete with Mae

          No, not something else I need to dodge! ahh, Tigs, have I told you how much I love you recently???

          Ahhh, maybe I’ll dodge the ironed face.

        • #2479363

          It’s the burn after a hot iron that leaves the lasting impression!

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Oh No!!! :0

          If you can survive, [enjoy?] mae’s shovel and bitch slaps, the iron should be no problem. But she heats her iron up, will leave burn mark. :_|

        • #2479224

          But no near as effective as a Press

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to It’s the burn after a hot iron that leaves the lasting impression!

          Lets see top temp [b]175 C[/b] and when closed there is [b]150 Pounds Per Square Inch[/b] pressure between the Heating Shoe and the Ironing Board.

          I would guess that it takes some effort to pry off and the marks left would be both very long term and visible. 😀 OH did I make any mention that it also sounds [b]Painful?[/b]

          After that Mae’s Shovel sounds Positively kind doesn’t it? :p

          [b]Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! Mae Is Nice Dammit! [/b]

          Col ]:)

          [i]Edited so as not to upset Mae![/i]

        • #2478943

          BAD BAD BAD Tig What did your cloths ever do to upset you?

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I’m listening

          Ironing destroys cloths as it wears them out, if you really must apply heat to them use a Press. But what’s even better is just taking them off the line and wearing them no work at all and they look great. 😀

          Anyway you don’t want to go near a press as they burn the hell out of you so just take the cloths off the line is even better.

          Actually I’m right about Ironing Damaging cloths as the friction of dragging the iron back & forth over cloths is the same thing as wearing them out quickly. I saw that on a Press ad many years ago. :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2471322

          Yeah. Look what it did to my sheets.

          by meryllogue ·

          In reply to BAD BAD BAD Tig What did your cloths ever do to upset you?

          NOT. I LOVE ironed sheets and pillow cases! And they aren’t wearing out. Bad ad. 🙂

          And HUNDREDS of geese are flying due south over downtown Portland today. Honking, chatting, laughing, catching up on all the news since they flew north a few months ago. It is just an amazing sight and sound.

        • #2471308

          I dont wanna know

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Yeah. Look what it did to my sheets.

          what you did to your sheets, or sheeps for that matter :^0

        • #2471606

          AH another one to study so that I can get more Credits

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I dont wanna know

          On my Post Grad Studies on the Erogenous Zones of Sheep. And it’s not even a Kiwi either. Shocking. 😀

          Col

        • #2470799

          So how do you know

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to AH another one to study so that I can get more Credits

          that one of the Kiwi’s didnt get edumacated enough to start posting on TR???

        • #2476382

          Tis easy W2K

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to AH another one to study so that I can get more Credits

          Kiwi’s are only capable of 2 things 1 is chasing sheep and the other is training at chasing sheep. So if they are not chasing sheep they have to be training at chasing sheep. 😀

          None of them are cleaver enough to be [b]Crafty or Sneaky[/b] and allow the others to chase sheep to them. :0 As that is considered as Cheating by the others who get dirty because they missed the sheep. :^0

          Col ]:)

      • #2477259

        Sorry

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to Shel said “Friday Yuk..Come ON people “

        I seem to be lagging a bit. Personally I blame the TIME gods for not making my days longer so that I can do everything that is needed.
        Currently blowing off a few items that need addressing, to get my TR fix. Been missing out quite a bit lately.
        P.S. — where did the “people” tab go to look at the top 100?

        Ok, now for something that amused me a bit

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=em9ZALTCNEg

        • #2478950

          Good laugh :^0

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to Sorry

          Funny that the girls could not tell the difference between apes and men. Doesn’t say much about that does it!

          For the people listed in the top 100, click on your profile and clike on the 100. At least that worked yesterday.

        • #2479383

          The really sad part is

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Good laugh :^0

          Someone trained the apes :0

          I wonder how they found someone to do that job

          Classifieds — Looking for female to train apes how to kiss

          respondants — I thought they were talking about men, not real apes!
          last respondant — they trained easier then the men I have tried training!
          :^0 :^0 — I really must be a sick person to think this stuff up… :0

        • #2479370

          Are you sure that one ape was not in a movie

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to The really sad part is

          with Clint Eastwood? That one kissed too.

          It still is embarassing that the would not know the difference.

          Wait Wait the men had beards! 😀

          edited: I was wrong, 🙁 she kissed apes with hair on their face and couldn’t tell the difference. Maybe the she was drugged! 🙂

        • #2471321

          No… Actually, some men kiss like apes.

          by meryllogue ·

          In reply to Are you sure that one ape was not in a movie

          Yuk! You gotta go wash your face later!

        • #2471320

          Actually, some women

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to No… Actually, some men kiss like apes.

          have the expertise to tell 🙂

      • #2472258

        Daddy The Dancer

        by surflover ·

        In reply to Shel said “Friday Yuk..Come ON people “

        One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

        However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”

        The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

        “No,” the boy said, “He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.”

    • #2479438

      Nice. Good for a chuckle.

      by meryllogue ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      Turnabout.

    • #2472251

      Corporate Lessons

      by surflover ·

      In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON people

      Corporate Lessons

      Corporate Lesson 1

      A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on.”

      After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, “Who was that?”

      “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

      “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

      Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

      Corporate Lesson 2

      A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

      The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

      Once again the priest apologized, “Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak.”

      Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

      Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

      Corporate Lesson 3

      A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

      “Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

      In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

      “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

      Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

      Corporate Lesson 4

      A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

      The crow answered: “Sure, why not?”

      So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

      Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be very, very high up.

      Corporate Lesson 5

      A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

      “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

      The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally on the fifth day, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

      Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

      Corporate Lesson 6

      A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

      Moral of the story:
      1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
      2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
      3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut

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