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Friday Yuk..Come ON people

By Shellbot ·
Tags: Off Topic
Fooling Around
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

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Relatively

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON peopl ...

Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

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Einstein replies:

by Absolutely In reply to Relatively

"I'm willing to wait a million years, if necessary!"

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Summary of Life

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON peopl ...

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNE
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNE
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you
once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . .. . having money.
At age 70 success is . ... . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

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Thanks Shell

by Tig2 In reply to Summary of Life

Some days I just feel as old as dirt. Now I feel better.

Perhaps I have become top soil?

Have a great weekend!

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And here I thought....

by jdclyde In reply to Thanks Shell

that Mae....

na, better not.... :0


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Are you saying you have a dirty mind?

by daveo2000 In reply to Thanks Shell

Mind you, it would be the top of the pile dirt...

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Italian Present

by Shellbot In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON peopl ...

This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about
a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together.
The Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was
the son of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday.
Well, for their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a
Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta.

The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their
presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each
other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and
his father is NOT pleased!

"What're you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!! Some
day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle
down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff.
THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed
with another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your
watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"

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I'm out of here for a week and a half.

by CharlieSpencer In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON peopl ...

I'll be off-line from the 11th through the 21st. Don't feed the trolls; I don't need a back log of slaps.

The veterinarian's phone rings at 2:00 a.m. (No, Col, it doesn't matter which time zone.) It's a regular client, a delicate little old lady with a pair of toy poodles. The ***** is in heat (the dog, not the old lady), and she says they've been making whoopie for over eight hours.

"How can I separate them?"
"Well, ma'am, put out some dog food. They're probably more hungry than amorous. When they smell the food, they'll separate."

She hangs up, but 20 minutes later she calls back. The purse-puppies are still at it.

"Pick them up, one in each hand, and put them in the bathtub and turn the shower on cold."
"Thank you!"

30 minutes later, the phone rings. Guess who?

"Okay, lady, put some newspapers down as close to the phone as possible, put the wet dogs on the papers, and I'll call you back in a half an hour. Let the phone ring at least a dozen times before you pick it up."
"My heavens, however will that separate them?"
"Beats me, lady, but it's worked on me three times in a row!"

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That was really bad

by Tig2 In reply to I'm out of here for a wee ...

I will cheerfully collect all of your slaps and shove them into this handy pre-addressed envelope for you. You won't miss a thing!

Enjoy your vacation, Palmetto. Bout bloody time you took some time.

Love to you and yours! We'll miss you, you know!

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Here's the situation..

by maecuff In reply to Friday Yuk..Come ON peopl ...

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.





This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought Limitations. Never forget to "Think outside of the Box."


HOWEVER............


The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings.

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