Friday's yuk

Paddy O'Reilly has a very substantial win in the Irish Lottery and decides to show off to his pals by buying the biggest, flashest, most expensive Rolls Royce that the Dublin dealership has in the showroom. Naturally, the best place to find his buddys and show off is at the local pub. Being rather flush with the 'folding', he treats everyone in the bar to several rounds of drinks and needless to say, Paddy indulges in a fair few pints of Guinness and several whiskeys himself.

Closing time arrives and Paddy, somewhat worse for wear, sets off for home in the Roller. A couple of officers of the Garda Siochana are sat in a layby in their patrol car as he drives past erratically, clipping the kerbs and generally swerving all over the road. They can almost smell the alcohol on his breath as he drives by so they decide to give it the 'blues and twos' and pull him over.

The police stop the Rolls, and ask Paddy to step out of the car. Paddy, being well over the limit, is giggling and chuckling to himself.

'What about you, Paddy?', says the first cop. 'Been out celebrating, have we?' Paddy is quite amused by all this and the chuckling continues unabated. The second cop isn't having any of this so he takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the ground.

'Stand in the circle and DON'T move!' he tells Paddy. He then takes out his nightstick, walks over to the front of Paddy's new car, and smashes a headlight. Paddy is getting quite amused now.

The first cop then takes out his nightstick, goes to the back of the Rolls and smashes both rear light clusters. When he looks round, Paddy is laughing his head off.

The two cops then lay into the windows and smash all the lights and glass on the car. Paddy is now rolling around on the ground and holding his sides from laughing so much. Cop #1 then takes out his sidearm and shoots the tyres while Cop #2 jumps up and down on the roof. When they turn round, Paddy is almost choking with laughter and the tears are rolling down his cheeks.

'What's so bloody funny, Paddy?, the first cop asks. 'We're going to do you for drinking and driving, and we've just smashed your car up, so why are you laughing so much?'

'Oh Bejeesus!', Paddy replies, 'every time you boys have been turning round and hitting my car...I've been stepping out of the circle!!!'

A true story: If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.