General discussion

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #2224739

    Infidelity

    Locked

    by elorba68 ·

    I need good software to keep an eye on my spouse?

All Comments

  • Author
    Replies
    • #2617885

      Please Lord PLease

      by drowningnotwaving ·

      In reply to Infidelity

      … let this be the Friday Yuk?

      • #2617879

        Nope, I think it’s still….

        by dawgit ·

        In reply to Please Lord PLease

        durrrrr’sday. 😀
        Just as long as I’m not the spouse he/she wants to be checking. Personally I call that software illegal spy-ware. -d

        • #2617873

          to dawgit

          by elorba68 ·

          In reply to Nope, I think it’s still….

          Why do you think it’s illegal?
          The only way to know is to find out!

        • #2617605

          uummmmm….

          by dawgit ·

          In reply to to dawgit

          Now why would I think that?
          See my reply to JD below. It used to be a good rule of thumb. The diference is when done right, you’ll get facts. Other wise it’s done on emotions, and usually is looked at as hearsay, he said / she said.
          At the very least get a (this hurts) Lawer. Use a licenced, bonded Private Dective (They are covered by laws, and insurance) It does make a difference between a Court Case, and a messy time in the Courts. -d

        • #2617595

          In the States, many are no-fault divorce states

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to uummmmm….

          So it doesn’t MATTER if the spouse is cheating or not, and will have no effect when you go to court on anything, from support to custody.

          ( your mileage may very based on where you live )

          The one way it CAN help is if you have this documentation and your ex decides it is not in their best interests to have it made public.

          It is amazing how reasonable unreasonable people can be when given certain choices.

        • #2617868

          other foot..

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Nope, I think it’s still….

          what if you were the spouse who needed to know what was going on?

          rock and a hard place Dawg..
          we did it to my kid last year, felt horrible to have to do it..but when we found out she was hanging around with a drug dealer 10 years older than her..we didn’t feel quite so bad after all.

        • #2617619

          I was the other foot…

          by dawgit ·

          In reply to other foot..

          I know what it feels like, (never again) but still… just the thought of buggy spy-ware on my computer… creepy. -d

        • #2617843

          it is perfectly legal

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Nope, I think it’s still….

          as long as it is YOUR system you are putting it on.

          Do NOT put it on any system that isn’t yours, or you can get in a lot of trouble.

          In the case of a cheating spouse, they are in the same home, using the same PC’s.

        • #2617615

          That only works..

          by dawgit ·

          In reply to it is perfectly legal

          When:
          1) It is YOUR computer. (You’re correct on that)
          2) It’s a community computer. As in the household computer. (If access is un-controled, it might not hold up though)
          3) The presense of / or exsistance of a Court Order.
          But now days, it seems all rules are out the window anyway, so I guess anything goes. -d

        • #2617608

          As long as it is personal property

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to That only works..

          if it is a company laptop (for example) then you would not be legally able to do this, but as long as it is a household system, it is still community property and legal.

          Of course you have to be careful as some of the programs might get detected by a adware/malware/AV scanner.

        • #2617456

          True, True, …just a strange thought….

          by dawgit ·

          In reply to As long as it is personal property

          It could help to explain what happened to all those ‘missing’ US Gov. Laptops, They were cheeting. :0 -d

        • #2617405

          How to tell someone is having an affair

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to True, True, …just a strange thought….

          They use pay phones…… :0

        • #2617833

          Well, well, well,

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Nope, I think it’s still….

          if the confidence isn’t there … sjeeeeehs … what the heck are the 2 of them being together for ?:|

          Pity it’s not Friday would have ben a heck of a yuk, :^0 😀 🙂

          Oh btw, in getting your act together on the infidelity, as jd says, keep it on your stuff!!!!!

          Rob

        • #2617765

          Trust and love are often blind

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Well, well, well,

          And a spouse that is a scumbag can get away with a lot, for a long time, without ever being caught.

          On the other hand, sometimes a good spouse can do something that makes you say, hmmmmm. Everyone goes through rough times, and people deal with it differently.

          In my case, the ex’s initial affair was already over and she was trying to get the guy back before I even suspected a thing. I loved and trusted her, and often offered to stay home on the weekend with the twins so she could go out with her friends, just to get her out of the house after being home with the boys all week while I was at work.

          With the majority of marriages being disposable from the start, trust comes in the form of a pre-nup.

        • #2617643

          RE: majority

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Trust and love are often blind

          [i]With the majority of marriages being disposable from the start[/i]

          I think the statistic is misleading…. most [b]people[/b] who marry, stay married for life.

          It’s the minority who jump from one marriage to the next to the next who raise the average. Second (and subsequent) marriages are often harder, especially after a long first one. Those people are more likely to be ‘set in their ways’, and adjustments to someone else who is also ‘set in their ways’ are harder to make.

          Today is my 4th anniversary to my second (and final!!!) wife. It’s not always easy, but it is always interesting 🙂

        • #2617636

          Congratulations to Tony

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to RE: majority

          And a happy 4th to you.

          I am looking at a second marriage a little differently. Instead of being set in their ways, they are not blindly goo goo eyes over their potential mate. They have learned what DOESN’T work. No matter the situation, if you give it a hard look, you can see things you could have done differently, and make sure not to repeat them the next time around.

          I think more people enter a divorce half expecting it not to work, and with the quickie no-fault divorces, it makes it easy to just walk away.

          Many today don’t see it as the lifetime commitment that it is suppose to be. It amazes me how people can commit to buying a house together and having kids, but they can’t commit to marriage? Let me tell you, it is easier to get divorced than it is to sell a house.

        • #2617586

          Alright, I admit it. It’s ME!

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Congratulations to Tony

          I am ‘set in MY ways’ and changing to different ways is harder. I am adjusting… but it’s not going to happen overnight. After all, it took me 50 years to get the way I am 🙂

          [i]Let me tell you, it is easier to get divorced than it is to sell a house.[/i]

          The vows you took are between you, your spouse, and the almighty. Nobody else should be involved in the decision.

          I’ve come to the opinion that the government especially should not be involved in marriage OR divorce. They want “separation of church and state”? I say “In for a penny, in for a pound”! No more marriage penalty. No more joint tax returns. No more alimony.

        • #2617575

          Um… Tony?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Congratulations to Tony

          it is only liberal weenies that believe in the myth of Separation of Church and State as an actual part of our laws and Constitution (as YOU well know already).

          If it has been shown that kids that are not from a “broken” home are more successful, how is it not a good idea to reward people for not breaking their home?

          I do agree that all alimony should be abolished, retroactively. If women want to be treated equally, (as well they should) then it goes for the good as well as the bad, not picking and choosing where they wish to be equal or not.

          Child support, only if it is a fair arraignment on the custody. Thankfully the days of deciding on who is the better parent based on who has the vagina are over.

          Can you believe that when I went to court, with equal custody (week with me, weak with her) the court still wanted to give her some of my money? Why? They get funding based on how many cases they over see.

        • #2617281

          What I meant was

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Congratulations to Tony

          it’s hypocritical to say that government and the church should be kept separate, yet maintain that the government should have any say in marriage, or to treat married people and non-married people differently.

          [i]Child support, only if it is a fair arraignment on the custody.[/i]

          [b]Physical[/b] custody should be equal in law, unless the parents jointly agree to a different arrangement.

          [i]Thankfully the days of deciding on who is the better parent based on who has the vagina are over.[/i]

          It’s getting better, but they’re not over.

          [i]Can you believe that when I went to court, with equal custody (week with me, weak with her) the court still wanted to give her some of my money? Why? [/i]

          Theory is that the children have the same standard of living no matter where they are. they use a percentage of total income. For example, if you make 500 a week and she makes 400 a week, you would pay 100 to her, and she would pay 80 to you. The difference, $20, would go to her. It even changes should you remarry and your new wife works. In that case, she is considered to be paying half of the mortgage and utilities, so an estimated amount is added to your income for the purpose of calculating the amount to be paid

          [i]They get funding based on how many cases they over see.[/i]

          Not exactly… it’s a percentage of the take 🙂

        • #2612440

          jdclyde: in for a penny, in for a pound

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to Congratulations to Tony

          [i]If it has been shown that kids that are not from a “broken” home are more successful, how is it not a good idea to reward people for not breaking their home?[/i]

          It is not a good idea to reward behaviors that are merely [b]correlated statistically[/b] to success, because, for the case of correlation coefficient 0.9, such systematic rewarding means that the 10% who did not succeed, receive rewards as if they did. It is a good idea to reward success — one’s own success, not the success of people who look, sound, smell, feel, taste (!) like successful people, but don’t actually contribute to success.

          OK, JD, have fun with that!

        • #2625936

          My first step AB would be

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Congratulations to Tony

          to chastise you for using different units of measure when talking about the same thing, at the same time.

          Failure to convert your .9 into a fraction, or the failure to convert your 10% to a decimal, gets you marked down. B-)

          As for the systematic rewarding, it is for the attempt to create an environment with a greater chance of success [i]( .9 by your number )[/i]

          The problem is, being married or not is not reflective of your ability to be a parent.

          There is currently a big push in Detroit to fight the negative effects of having a fatherless home.

          Besides, the current trend is we reward people who are NOT successful by giving them tax credits and support that is not given to people that are in fact successful. Kind of counter-productive, wouldn’t you say?

          And of course, 98% of all constipated people don’t give a crap.

        • #2625835

          Then shi* or get off the pot.

          by absolutely ·

          In reply to Congratulations to Tony

          “And of course, 98% of all constipated people don’t give a crap.”

          :^0

          But seriously, when I learned statistics, I was taught to express correlation using coefficients, 0 – 1.0. I referred to percentages in a slightly different context. Thanks for noticing.

          Finally, in response to “the point” you’re barely hinting at:

          Do you tell your boys that if everybody else is doing it, it’s OK if they do so also? Because your argument in favor of tax credits for marriage just told me that you’re OK with setting that example for your kids.

        • #2612404

          Something else that contributes to divorce rate

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to RE: majority

          Many retiring couples have discovered that they can get higher Social Security benefits apart than they can together.

        • #2617610

          Along time ago…

          by dawgit ·

          In reply to Well, well, well,

          In the process of those things I, of course didn’t do, and naturally have no knowlege of, I remember 1 thing: “If a man’s (women now too, I guess) spouse can’t trust him (her) NO-one can. (Ever.!.) Seen it proven true far too many times 🙁 -d

        • #2617594

          I tend to agree.

          by inkling ·

          In reply to Along time ago…

          I’m not saying people in very healthy (monogamous) relationships don’t make mistakes, because it does happen. We’re only human after all and unfortunately, if we find ourselves in the wrong situation at the wrong time…anything is possible. The thing is, most people in healthy (monogamous) relationships simply don’t put themselves in the situation where it is possible.

          I digress…

          As someone who was a serial cheater on every girlfriend I ever had, I reached a point in my life where I realized it was part of a pattern of behavior in which I was generally untrustworthy and deceitful in all aspects of my life. I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw, so I changed.

          Truth be told though, I think that men are simple creatures and am an advocate of “sowing one’s wild oats” before settling down (I think that goes for both sexes, but I’m not nearly ballsy enough to call you all simple creatures).

        • #2617407

          It’s All too often True

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Along time ago…

          Rob

    • #2617870

      there’s a decent selection

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to Infidelity

      of keyloggers and such out there.

      we used one last year on my kids pc, but i can’t remember name of it..they all pretty much do the same thing though, some just a wee bit more fancy than others.

    • #2617845

      From personal experience, I can recommend

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Infidelity

      Spector. It runs about $50 USD.

      It does the keystroke logging.

      It does screen capture, you set resolution and frequency.

      It captures all emails.

      It captures all IM conversations.

      It can email you remotely, with emails/IM messages, or when certain key words are typed.

      This software went a long ways to helping me get through my divorce. I told the ex what I had and she decided it was best to just walk away than have her lovers wife get a care package.

      (some that have been around for more than a few years might remember my getting a divorce discussion. Also got a lot of help here in the form of advice and support.)

      • #2617839

        Follow up advice

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to From personal experience, I can recommend

        Do NOT use the information that you get right away. It will be tempting to take the first thing and hold it in their faces, but don’t.

        Never let them know how much you know.

        Use the information (and save it!) to convince yourself that it is over, and move to separate yourself from the person. A divorce is not a way to punish the other person, it is a way to move on with your life without that person.

        Good luck, and hope your wrong.

        • #2617825

          Thumbs up Jd

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Follow up advice

          That is if the talking first … before … collecting “evidence” … doesn’t work.

          At least that seems the way to me to handle things … if you’re past the talking part … why the heck are you still together … but … everybody has his/her own reasons … so if it’s gonna be a “case” it’s better to have a good and strong one.

          Rob

        • #2617783

          To everyone that reply to my message

          by elorba68 ·

          In reply to Thumbs up Jd

          I want to thank all of you, for taking the time to answer to my question. This is a horrible thing that none should go thru. But that how it’s, just another bump on my way.

        • #2617598

          I think more than a few of us…

          by dawgit ·

          In reply to To everyone that reply to my message

          Have been there, got hurt, got slamed, and are still around kicking. Good luck, and remember, most importantly- Be Careful.!. -d

        • #2617775

          Talking doesn’t always work, Rob

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Thumbs up Jd

          If you have someone with something going on the side, when asked about it, they will generally say they don’t.

          Some people have these with no intention of ever leaving their spouse (which was the case of my ex-wifes lover, who is still with his wife).

          It is always best to know, rather than suspect.

        • #2617750

          I agree

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Talking doesn’t always work, Rob

          It’s better to know. And, with the exception of psycho control freaks who are naturally suspicious, I’d say that most of the time, if you suspect your spouse is cheating, then they probably are. That sucks, but it’s probably true. Being female, I only have the one perspective, but I suspect that most people betray their secret in similar ways. If your spouse (out of the blue) suddenly starts treating you differently, whether it be better or worse, I’d be suspicious. If they develop a brand new taste in music, or start using phrases they don’t normally use, or their outlook on life changes drastically, I’d be suspicious.

          I guess it’s possible to talk through infidelity once it’s out in the open, but personally, I’d find that nearly impossible. I don’t think I could ever regain a sense of trust, or more importantly, respect ever again.

        • #2617742

          Another indicator to look for

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I agree

          Out of the blue, the sex life gets more frequent.

          Cheaters often will over compensate in the attention/affection areas either out of guilt or to try to cover up what they are doing.

          Good points about the music and other interests. It did seem odd that the ex started listening to jazz after hating it when I would play it?

          Infidelity. Some people get through it and live happily ever after, but that is rare. The guilty party has to truly be sorry, not just busted or dumped by the lover on the side.

          I tried to get though this, but the ex was busted, not sorry.

          I feel sorry for the guy she is with now, but not sorry enough to say anything as the boys think he is a nice guy. I would much rather she have a nice guy around than a jerk, because my boys have to be around him every other weekend.

        • #2617736

          Music

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Another indicator to look for

          My ex-husband listened to heavy metal. That’s it. Then one day, he told me that he loved that Aretha Franklin song “Who’s Zoomin’ Who”, (Which, by the way, is a horrible song by a terrific artist), I knew at that moment that he was cheating on me. It took a few weeks to confirm, but I was right.

        • #2617701

          The bad thing about music as an indicator

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Another indicator to look for

          My ex changed what she listened to at least three times while we were married….

          :0

          Something best left uncovered at this time. 🙁

        • #2617683

          JD

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Another indicator to look for

          you are right about that. It’s over now, and you’re better off just not knowing any more.

          Better off now, aren’t you?

          Although, having gone through something similar, I always get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I hear about others going through this. It’s truly horrible and I feel a great deal of sympathy for anyone who has to go through this type of ordeal.

          Best thing is to just keep looking forward and not allow yourself to get bogged down in despair and bitterness. That does NOTHING to help you heal.

        • #2617655

          Not dwelling on things

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Another indicator to look for

          Because it doesn’t do any good, I don’t dwell on things or try to find anything else out, either past or present.

          On the other hand, I never let myself forget exactly who and what I am dealing with in all of my dealings with my boys female-parental-unit.

          And yes, it sucks when others have to go down that same road and there is little you can do to help them avoid the crash at the end.

        • #2617712

          You can feel it in your gut

          by router boy ·

          In reply to I agree

          My ex was cheating on me and granted to outside observers they may have been able to see subtle changes in her behavior but I was unaware of them till it was too late. But I can say this if you feel the need to check up on a partner than something has definitely gone awry. There is defineitely a breakdown in trust and communication. There are all sorts of ways to track someones computer use whether through key loggers, spy ware, or even parental control software.
          I just hacked her email account one day and got all of the evidence I needed. It was painful to see what my mind had been suspecting in front of me in black and white but it was the best thing for me in the long run. Ethicly speaking my actions were in the wrong and I had no right to do what I did. But at the same time it was the proof I needed to make myself walk away. Whatever you decide to do and no matter what comes out of it just be gentle on yourself.

        • #2617387

          If talking doesn’t work …

          by rob mekel ·

          In reply to Talking doesn’t always work, Rob

          how in …name do you communicate … just the looks :^0 😉

          Do agree that if there isn’t any honest talking, which in my opinion is a basis to build a relation (not to fall in love, that’s pure homonal chemistry)it’s fasten your seatbelts and prepair for the fights.

          Suspicion poisons ones mind .. which isn’t healthy nor nice. To know is always better.

          Rob

        • #2617600

          Good advice..

          by dawgit ·

          In reply to Follow up advice

          even if it was a follow-up. (Isn’t a home-run better when the bases are loaded?) -d

        • #2617593

          Two things I learned

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Good advice..

          One was from Dawg. The best revenge is to live a better life without them than you did with them.

          Second (especially if there are kids involved) divorce does not end a relationship, it just changes it. That person will be a part of your life until the day you (or hopefully her) die because of the shared investment in the family bond with the kids.

          You don’t have to like them or be their buddy, but you shouldn’t walk around hating them. That is just stupid and childish.

    • #2617803

      I’m of the opinion…

      by inkling ·

      In reply to Infidelity

      that when open and honest discussion fails to solve your problem, the relationship is over.

      Now, I’m not judging anyone that would do this, but I personally think you are either:

      Simply prolonging the inevitable causing yourself more heartache and pain. Besides, knowing doesn’t make you feel any better once it’s over.

      or..

      Setting your relationship up for failure in the event that your partner discovers what you’ve done (whether they are guilty or not). Not to mention setting a precedence for dishonesty if it turns out your partner isn’t cheating.

      Relationships are built on trust.

      When the trust is gone, 99.999% of the time the relationship is already over.

      Attempt the open and honest communication bit. If that fails, walk away with your dignity intact without having to stoop to their level of dishonesty.

      • #2617695

        The last thing I’d want would be an open and honest discussion

        by delbertpgh ·

        In reply to I’m of the opinion…

        If something were going on with my spouse, I’d rather not know. If I were to cheat, I’d have the kindness to lie about it, to my grave. Once you know, rather than suspect, the fact of infidelity, the trust is gone. Without mutual trust, without respect, a partnership is gone. I don’t know how people in open marriages do it.

        Anyway, if you suspect a problem, then probably if you go looking for proof you will find it. If you have proof, you will have to act on it: deciding to rip your marriage apart, or to stick it out with a betrayer. Will you be more happy, or less?

        It’s a tough choice. You start to make it when you go looking for evidence. Good luck, especially if you’ve got kids. They’re the ones who hurt most in a divorce.

        • #2617685

          So you would pretend nothing is wrong?

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to The last thing I’d want would be an open and honest discussion

          If you suspect your wife were running around on you, you would rather live that kind of a lie?

          That is hard to accept, even before you consider the chances of her bringing home an STD or getting knocked up and then YOU being the one that is legally responsible for that child, even if a blood test proves it is not yours.

        • #2617613

          I would say…

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to The last thing I’d want would be an open and honest discussion

          [i]Once you know, rather than suspect, the fact of infidelity, the trust is gone.[/i]

          … that once you [b]suspect[/b], the trust is gone!

          That in itself is not necessarily fatal, but for there to be any chance at saving a marriage, it needs to be addressed.

          What the alternative? Live the rest of your life always suspecting?

          Better is to confront it. Then your suspicions will either:

          1. prove to be justified, in which case you know and can act on the knowledge.

          2. prove to be wrong, in which case you will at least owe a big apology and you hope that they’ll forgive you.

          3. remain, in which case you have more talking to do.

          From the vantage point of hindsight, which as everyone knows is 20/20 🙂

        • #2617606

          If you ASK

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to I would say…

          you are still showing the same lack of trust.

          It is rare that without some kind of proof, a cheating spouse will confess just because you ask them. They are now put in the position of lying to your face about it, instead of just sneaking around behind your back and hiding it from you.

        • #2617273

          exactly,

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to If you ASK

          [i]If you ASK

          you are still showing the same lack of trust.[/i]

          Which is why if it’s proven wrong you’d owe the big apology and hope for forgiveness.

          [i]It is rare that without some kind of proof, a cheating spouse will confess just because you ask them. They are now put in the position of lying to your face about it, instead of just sneaking around behind your back and hiding it from you.[/i]

          People in general aren’t very good liars, especially to the face of someone they’ve known for a long time. And the longer it continues, the harder it is for the liar to avoid tripping themselves up.

        • #2617517

          Once you know

          by delbertpgh ·

          In reply to I would say…

          It’s lawyers, therapy for the kids, isolation, drinking/drug/weight problems, mutual hate, loss, feeling abandoned, feeling cheated, and a long process leading to final separation, followed by starting to date again. Knowing that you could screw up just as badly the second time, and knowing that you can’t trust your judgement, and that whatever you believe, it could all change in an instant.

          What would you rather live? All of the above, or maybe a lie?

        • #2617446

          easier said than done..

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Once you know

          when i started getting a few suspicions i thought i could just bury it and forget about it cause i loved my husband more than anything..
          3 months in i couldn’t sleep, eat, concentrate or just plain function. my mind and body betrayed me and i was close to collapse. i finally snapped and confronted him (i wasn’t 100% right, but there were a couple issues that came up in the discussion).
          but at least i know where things are at and i can get on with my life..

          i think if you buried it forever you’d end up very bitter and angry and probably on medication.

        • #2618213

          All of the above.

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Once you know

          Control the things you can, don’t worry about the ones you can’t … though I will give you that it’s a lot easier to say than it is to do.

        • #2618210

          In addition

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to Once you know

          once you’ve been through it, you’ll know what it feels like, and either make adjustments in an attempt to ensure it doesn’t happen like that again, or be better equipped to deal with it if it does. Sort of like a broken bone… when it heals, the healed part is stronger than the original bone.

    • #2617684

      My opinion about the “don’t look” posts

      by jdclyde ·

      In reply to Infidelity

      It is of MY opinion that most of the people with this attitude have not been on the receiving end of this type of activity.

      It is easy to sit back and say you would this or that, but being the one in that position really changes all the “well, I would just….”

      It is better to know and move on.

      • #2617669

        You’re missing the point.

        by inkling ·

        In reply to My opinion about the “don’t look” posts

        If you get to the point in a relationship where you have to resort to lying and spying…which incidentally makes you no better than them in my book.

        It. Is. Already. Over. Just get out.

        No, it’s not easy.

        It was probably the second hardest thing I’ve ever done.

        • #2617658

          lying and spying

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to You’re missing the point.

          Checking to see if your spouse is using the computer to have an affair does not put you “no better than them” in my book, and I clearly would not want to live in your book.

          There are times a spouse could be distracted because of other things in their lives that have nothing to do with an affair, but can be taken as “maybe they are seeing someone else”.

          You do not just throw away a life together because you suspect THEY might be doing something.

          Don’t confuse trust with gullible.

          We clearly will not agree on this. I guess I have less absolute faith in people these days.

        • #2617652

          “My book”

          by inkling ·

          In reply to lying and spying

          Ok, so “no better than them” was too much.

          It’s still wrong.

          I’m not advocating throwing anything away. I’m just advocating using different means (open and honest discussion with your partner) to get to the root of the problem.

          I would suggest that a relationship that cannot talk through a simple “distraction” is probably not all that healthy to begin with.

          I don’t mean to be judgmental by my posts (I know it’s coming off that way and I apologize). I don’t know everyone’s personal situation so I can’t very well say what would be most appropriate in each case (e.g. I didn’t have any children with my ex…if my wife and I were to divorce I would do everything in my power to ensure I got my son).

          Having said that…with the caveat that there are, of course, exceptions to every rule, I stand by what I have said.

    • #2617455

      Very amazed!

      by elorba68 ·

      In reply to Infidelity

      This morning when I checked about the ?Infidelity? question, I was very surprised to see that the subject had 45 messages to it.
      I see it?s a subject that raises many of questions and concern on any relationship. Every one of you is correct in your own opinions, and obviously some of us have live it and know that it?s a painful situation that is never kept a flow in the exchange of vows.

      Some people don?t know how critical this is until you actually live it.

      • #2617399

        The TR crowd is amazing

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Very amazed!

        The second largest discussion in the history of TR in my divorce discussion, weighing in at 2142 posts. Looking at it now, it is hard to believe it was June of 2005. It seems longer than that….

        It was the only thing that kept me sane and out of jail, and thanks to the great advice I got, I now have full custody of my twin boys AND pay not a penny to the ex.

        It is a topic that has affected many of us, and as Mae pointed out, it hurts all over again when you see someone else go through it. You wish them the best and try to help them avoid the common pitfalls.

        Again, I hope you are wrong in your suspicions.

        Did you try the Spector?
        Did you choose another package?
        Did you just go talk to your spouse?
        Are you a male or a female?

        • #2617376

          It was the only thing that kept me sane and out of jail?

          by don ticulate ·

          In reply to The TR crowd is amazing

          What, a web forum! Surely you have friends outside these screens to talk to?

        • #2617342

          Friends in the meat world

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to It was the only thing that kept me sane and out of jail?

          Yes, I have friends in the meat world to talk to, but NONE that had been through a divorce, so they had no frame of reference to relate to me with, nor any real advice based on past experiences.

          On here, I had hundreds of people from around the world, giving both the male and female point of view. Some were supportive, some would give tips on how to handle situations, both with the EX and with my kids. Kept me focused on what was best for my boys.

          Another thing that it did from people sharing their stories, I realized that while my little world was crumbling around me, it could have been so much worse.

          Like I said, my friends have not been through this, and so were not as much of a help in that area. I am the only one in my group of friends to get a divorce.

        • #2618184

          Give it time…

          by don ticulate ·

          In reply to Friends in the meat world

          Stats would suggest otherwise!

        • #2618177

          If you have a point

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to Give it time…

          you can make it at any time now. So far, you have not added to the conversation.

        • #2618080

          OK…

          by don ticulate ·

          In reply to If you have a point

          The current U.S. divorce rate:

          The media frequently reports that 50% of American marriages will end in divorce. This number appears to have been derived from very skimpy data related to a single county or state. However, it appears to be reasonable close to the probable value. The Americans for Divorce Reform estimates that “Probably, 40 or possibly even 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce if current trends continue. However, that is only a projection and a prediction.”

          “Divorce statistics collection: Summary of findings so far,” Americans for Divorce Reform, at: http://www.divorcereform.org/

        • #2618244

          re: OK… (Don)

          by tonythetiger ·

          In reply to If you have a point

          [i]The current U.S. divorce rate: The media frequently reports that 50% of American marriages will end in divorce.[/i]

          see

          http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=232996&messageID=2297627

    • #2617378

      Why bother…

      by don ticulate ·

      In reply to Infidelity

      they are chatting to me, the Don!

      • #2618174

        Why bother…

        by jdclyde ·

        In reply to Why bother…

        reading your posts?

        • #2618149

          JD

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Why bother…

          you do realize that you are causing multiple bitch slaps for Palmetto, right?

        • #2618142

          Nothing says “weekend”

          by jdclyde ·

          In reply to JD

          like a good smack, right? 😡

        • #2618140

          You said it..

          by maecuff ·

          In reply to Nothing says “weekend”

          I’m on my way out the door and I think I’ll start the evening’s festivities by smacking my husband.

          And that’s an activity that’s fun for both of us!

Viewing 6 reply threads