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  • #2271126

    It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’


    by sleepin’dawg ·

    At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the
    The meaning of the word [i][b][u]”service.”[/i][/b][/u]

    [b][i] “It’s the act of doing things for other people.”[/i][/b]

    [b]Then I heard these terms :
    Internal Revenue Service
    Postal Service
    Telephone Service
    Civil Service
    City & County Public Service
    Customer Service
    Service Stations[/b]

    I became confused about the word “service.” This is
    not what I thought [i]”service”[/i] meant.

    So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of
    them said he had hired a bull to “service” a few of his cows.

    [i][b]BAM![/i][/b] It all fell into perspective.
    Now I understand what all those “service” agencies
    are doing to us.

    [b] I hope now you are as enlightened as I am.[/b]

    [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

All Comments

  • Author
    • #2589574

      What Does PMS Stand For?

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      A handy guide for men, PMS Stands For 13 Things:

      1. Pass My Shotgun
      2. Psychotic Mood Shift
      3. Perpetual Munching Spree
      4. Puffy Mid-Section
      5. People Make me Sick
      6. Provide Me with Sweets
      7. Pardon My Sobbing
      8. Pimples May Surface
      9. Pass My Sweat pants
      10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
      11. Plainly; Men Suck
      12. Pack My Stuff
      13. Potential Murder Suspect

    • #2589573

      What Happens in Vegas…

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      What Happens in Vegas…

      After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned
      the waitress back and said quietly, “Miss, y’all sure are a luvly, luvly lady;
      can ah persuade y’all to give me a piece of ass?”
      “Lord, that’s the most direct proposition I’ve ever had!” gasped the girl.

      Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, “Sure, why not? You’re nice
      lookin’ too and it’s pretty slow here right now, so why don’t we just slip away
      up to my room?”

      When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table
      and the waitress asked, “Will there be anything else, sir?”

      “Why yes,” replied the southern gentleman. “Ah sure ‘preciate what y’all just
      did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in
      Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y’all for a
      piece uh ass for mah drink.”

    • #2593349

      Three Rabbits

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
      “I’m gonna go back to that field of carrots,” says one.

      “I’m gonna go back to those cute little rabbits,” says the second.

      “I’m going back to the lab,” says the third. “I’m dying for a cigarette.”

    • #2593340

      In the beginning!

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

      2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

      3. And God said – Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said – Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

      4. And God said – Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

      5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big. And told them – Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

      6. And God said – I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

      7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

      8. And God said – It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

      9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

      10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User – Did God really tell you not to run any programs ?

      11. And the User answered – God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

      12. And Bill said to the User – How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

      13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless – since Windows could replace it.

      14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmers that it was good.

      15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him – What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered – I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said – Who said you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said – It was Bill who told us to !

      16. And God said to Bill – Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

      17. And God said to the User – Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmer’s help.

      18. And God said to the Programmer – Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

      19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.


      If IBM made toasters…
      They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting.
      IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

      If Xerox made toasters…
      You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
      The toaster would jam your bread for you.

      If Radio Shack made toasters…
      The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it.
      Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

      If Oracle made toasters…
      They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

      If Sun made toasters…
      The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

      Does DEC still make toasters?…
      They made good toasters in the ’80s, didn’t they?

      If Tandem made toasters…
      You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

      If Thinking Machines made toasters…
      You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

      If Cray made toasters…
      They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

      If The Rand Corporation made toasters…
      It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

      If the NSA made toasters…
      Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

      If Sony made toasters…
      The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

      If Timex made toasters…
      They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

      If Fisher Price made toasters…
      “Baby’s First Toaster” would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

      If the Franklin Mint made toasters…
      Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

      If CostCo made toasters…
      They’d be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of ’em.

      If Microsoft made toasters…
      Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster’95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

      If Apple made toasters…
      It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

      • #2593314

        Until the day ….

        by shellbot ·

        In reply to In the beginning!

        Until the day he would send his only son LINUX to save the Users and Programmers from their folly, and LINUX would build the Church of Free Software, which for a small consulting fee would offer salvation
        and freedom from WINDOWS.

        But Bill was smarter, and created the TCO, which the heretical Redmondites used to comdemn LINUX and tear down his church of Free Software

        And the Redmondites, under Steve, rejoiced and gave thanks to Bill.
        And soon it came to pass that even God saw that WINDOWS was cheaper, and installed it in Data Center, and made Bill CEO.
        And Bill had a revelation, and he introduced all of the people, Redmondites, Programmers and Users alike to his
        new dream, a startling new Vista that was to change the landscape forever.
        And Bill foresaw that one day the Penguin would lie down with the Paperclip, and all would be at peace.
        And so it was that the Vista was installed in Data Center, and all was still, for ever and ever and ever…

        • #2593308

          Nothing like

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Until the day ….

          a happy ending eh? 🙂

        • #2593302

          so what would ya get

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Nothing like

          if the Penguin and the Paperclip mated??

        • #2593289

          I have no idea

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to so what would ya get

          but I have a sneaking suspicion that recessives would come to the fore. The result would probably be extremely difficult to work with and not work at all.

          Either that or it would be black and hard.

        • #2593258
          Avatar photo

          Actually I thought that God had something

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to so what would ya get

          Against Cross Species Mating so the Penguin and the Paper Clip couldn’t manage to produce any Off Spring. Or it bounced away never to be seen again. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2593164

          That’s easy…. you’d get…… VIGOR!!!

          by locrian_lyric ·

          In reply to so what would ya get

        • #2590181


          by absolutely ·

          In reply to so what would ya get

          And God struck down Paperclip, and relegated Penguin to obscurity among the Users as punishment for their ABOMINATION! And all their offspring were non-viable, and required “emulators” for their very existence.

    • #2593337

      Software Lifecycle

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

      2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

      3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.

      4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.

      5. See 3.

      6. See 4.

      7. See 5.

      8. See 6.

      9. See 7.

      10. See 8.

      11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

      12. Users find 137 new bugs.

      13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

      14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

      15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

      16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

      17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.

      18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. —-

    • #2593336

      The Geek Convention

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      The top 15 things overheard at geek convention COMDEX

      15. “Oh, come on — Kirk can beat Picard’s ass any day of the week!”

      14. “Empty the trash cans, someone’s lost another retainer!”

      13. “I’m sorry, Mr. Gates — this is a $10 minimum table, the $5 minimum tables are over there.”

      12. “No, sir, we can’t accept Apple stock to cover your gambling debts.”

      11. “Just shut up and give me the trinkets, booth weasel!”

      10. “Free pocket protectors at booth 183! Pass it on!”

      9. “Hey, if we all share a limo ride back to the hotel, we can split that dollar tip nine ways.”

      8. “Well, the Chicken Ranch was okay – but I liked ‘Virtual Monique’ better.”

      7. “…so Dilbert says to Wally…”

      6. “My dad said if I hacked the Federal Reserve one more time, he’d take away my Nintendo.”

      5. “…and *I* said, ‘That’s no hexadecimal assembly code, that’s my self-modulating subroutine.’ But seriously, folks…”

      4. “I don’t care if you ARE a CEO, nobody gets in under 21.”

      3. “Marc Andreeson to the courtesy desk — Your mother wants to know what time you’ll be home for dinner…”

      2. “They call this a breakfast buffet? Where’s the Jolt Cola and Doritos?”

      and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at COMDEX…

      1.”Hey — where are all the chicks??”

    • #2593334


      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

      Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

      All of a sudden … POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

      She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

      “Better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. … As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!”

      Then POOF! .. she was gone!

      After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Henry, where are you?”

      Henry yells back “I’m over here in the pussy willows.”

      Larry shouts back, “DON’T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T SWING!”


      A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

      “Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry….we can’t hire you.”

      “But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”

      “Really? Great! Show me!”

      So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

      “Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!”

      “Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”

      “Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”

      “Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

    • #2593333

      Microsoft IE Advert

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      Remembet the TV ad for Microsoft’s Internet Explorer the one that uses the musical theme of the “Confutatis Maledictis” from the Mozart’s Requiem.

      “Where do you want to go today?” is the cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile, the chorus sings “Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis,” which means, “The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell.”

      • #2593197

        You see,

        by tonythetiger ·

        In reply to Microsoft IE Advert

        I’ve always thought that was a copy error.

        It should have been “Where do you want [b]ME[/b] to go today?” 🙂

    • #2593332

      IBEE (Involuntary Beverage Explosion Event)

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      It’s not safe to read the news anymore. One minute you’re enjoying a nice beverage at your computer, the next moment you’re spewing liquid all over your monitor and keyboard after reading the latest ridiculous and hypocritical motion from The SCO Group.

      The problem is called IBEE (Involuntary Beverage Explosion Event) and it strikes an estimated 1,650 keyboards each day, often requiring immediate replacement. With SCO becoming increasingly desperate, the number of such incidents worldwide has increased nearly 35% since this time last year, providing an unexpected lift for keyboard manufacturers.

      “Business has never been better,” said the CEO of Ctrl-Alt-Delete Manufacturing Co. “Before, almost nobody bought a standalone keyboard in a store; they just came bundled with new computers. But now we’re having trouble keeping up with demand.”

      Some corporate IT departments, sick of seeing coffee stains everywhere, have pushed for bans against beverages at workstations. “We fully realize that restricting coffee consumption will likely cause a serious reduction in productivity,” explained the CTO at Proactive Synergy Paradigms, Inc. “But we can’t afford to keep replacing keyboards like this!”

      Other workplaces are providing special training to encourage safer beverage consumption. At Google’s World Headquarters Complex, signs remind employees to “Don’t Spew Your Brew” and “Down The Throat It Goes, Not Through The Nose.”

      “People like to multitask, but you shouldn’t gulp and read at the same time,” said a Google manager. “It’s just too dangerous. I should know — one time I made the mistake of drinking a soda and reading a SCO press release at the same time. I laughed so hard that soda streamed through my nose, and now my sinuses have never (sniffle) been the same.”

      Even among people that don’t drink at the computer, reading the news can still prove dangerous. Take Lowell Rotfuller, who dislocated his left knee while rolling on the floor laughing at yet another hilarious SCO motion.

      “One of these days, somebody is going to die laughing at SCO. I know I’m going to be a lot more careful when I visit Groklaw in the future.”

    • #2593329

      Exploding Mac

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      Q: What’s the difference between a Mac and an Etch-A-Sketch?

      A: You don’t have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.

      Q: What’s the difference between a PC and an Abacus?
      A: It’s doesn’t take 20 minutes to boot the Abacus.

      Q: What’s the best way to accelerate a PC?
      A: Drop it off a tall building.

      Q: Why don’t NASA use PCs?
      A: They don’t need to do crash tests.

      Q: What is the difference between a Mac User and a Terrorist?
      A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

      Q: What do Mac Users use for birth control?
      A: Their personalities!

      Q: Why aren’t more Mac owners computer literate?
      A: They would be, if they had a computer.

      Q: How many Mac users does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: Four. One to consult the manual that came with it, one to call tech-support, and two to sit and wait for the ‘Smiley Face’ to appear and say ‘Welcome to Macintosh’.

      Q: How many Mac users does it take to change a lightbulb?
      Mac Fanboys Answer: That’s not funny.

    • #2593291

      Should have asked me about that, Dawg

      by nicknielsen ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      I grew up a Yankee farm boy and have known that since I was old enough to muck out a barn.

      A couple of the things I’ve seen and heard:

      On a telephone help line: “All our representatives are currently servicing other customers. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold.”
      (I’m hanging up now. I wanted to get helped, not screwed.)

      In a military personnel office: “Personnel in uniform will be serviced on priority.”
      (I [u]always[/u] went there in civilian clothes. I had no intention of being the first one screwed.)

      On an automobile repair shop sign: “We service you like we service your car.”
      (I REALLY don’t want to know!)


      Strange but true business names:

      – Fake Insurance Agency

      – Fake, Muddle, and Swindell, Attorneys at Law

      – Li, Cheatham, and Steele, Certified Public Accountants

      – Chancey Discount Drugs

      Edit: formatting

    • #2593276

      old..but still funny

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      TO: All Employees
      FROM: Human Resources

      It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.

      Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

      TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
      INSTEAD OF: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

      TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
      INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way.

      TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
      INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f*cking problem.

      TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
      INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

      TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
      INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

      TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
      INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his @ss.

      TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
      INSTEAD OF: F*ck it, I’m on salary.

      TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
      INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your @ss.

      TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
      INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

      TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
      INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

      TRY SAYING: I see.
      INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

      TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
      INSTEAD OF: Another f*cking meeting!

      TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
      INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr1ck.

      TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
      INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting b1tch.

      TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
      INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f*ck you’re doing.

      TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
      INSTEAD OF: Kiss my @ss.

      • #2593253
        Avatar photo

        Hold on there for a minute Shelly Vaio taken away till you explain this one

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to old..but still funny

        Now just who could be offended by

        [i]This job sucks[/i]

        There is absolutely noting at all offensive in that as it’s the PC version of the saying so there can be no complaints except from the Company Person who believes that the company is perfect and can do no wrong. As there are Brain Dead Idiots anyway [b]Who The Hell Cares What they Think?[/b] ?:|

        Col ]:)

    • #2593270

      How To Screw Up An Interview

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      How To Screw Up An Interview
      We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of
      those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch.

      If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

      1. “… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”

      2. “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”

      3. ” A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”

      4. “… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”

      5. “… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve”

      6. “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”

      7. “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”

      8. “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”

      9 . “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”

      10. “… pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”

      11. “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”

      12. “While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”

      13. “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”

      14. “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?”

      I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.” He promptly responded, “I am as long as you’ll pay me more.

      15. “His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”

      16. “Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”

      17. “… asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”

      18. “Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”

      • #2593245
        Avatar photo

        OK maybe it’s just me but what’s wrong with Number 4? Birthday Girl

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to How To Screw Up An Interview

        [i]4. “… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.” [/i]

        This seems perfectly reasonable to me particularly if you are dealing with someone from HR who has absolutely no idea of what the job involves.

        Pity that I’ve never been to a Job interview where I was applying for a job as I would have loved to ask that question particularly of some Bureaucrats who I had to sit in on meetings with to discuss Safety Procedures and had absolutely [b]No Idea[/b] of what it was that they where talking about!

        But at one place I did ask them when they had finished asking me questions and I already knew that I had the job the Head of HR ran the interview as they didn’t like to be overridden and felt insecure when Managers where brought in without being seen by HR I asked this poor woman [b]Why I should work there and what was in it for me.[/b] Poor woman dropped her glasses and broke them I then walked out and started work. :^0

        The same woman used to do the primary interviews for my department and I always found the best staff by going through her rejected pile of applicants. But she felt important so she did all the primary Interviews and then I chose who I had work for me. It made her feel so secure because all of the ones that I chose worked out perfectly and her choices where [b]Brain Dead Damaged Goods.[/b] 😀

        One day when she was particularly upset I was told that she was a qualified Physiologist and knew her job so I just referred her to my preferred Physiologist for a conference which she gladly accepted an was looking forward to till she found out that my Preferred Physiologist was my Faun Great Dane Bitch who had got a Degree through a Correspondence School. I’ll admit to helping her slightly as I wrote down her answers to the questions but she read then and then told me the correct answers. 😀

        Col ]:)

      • #2593192

        or 14.

        by tonythetiger ·

        In reply to How To Screw Up An Interview

        I thought that was pretty clever 🙂

      • #2593116

        or #13

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to How To Screw Up An Interview

        it can help to tell the interviewer that you are a wanted person, or that you value time as well…

        But # 7 is funny as hell!!!

    • #2593186

      I’m feeling kind of old today

      by dadspad ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.

      She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”


      An accident really uncanny,
      Befell an unfortunate granny.
      She sat down in a chair
      While her false teeth were there,
      And bit herself right in the fanny!


      Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

      “98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.”

      “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. “Hardly worth going home, isn’t it?”


      The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

      The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.


      The doctor tells his patient: “Well I have good news and bad news…”

      The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?”

      “You have Alzheimer’s disease.”

      “Good heavens! What’s the good news?”

      “You can go home and forget about it!”

      • #2593185

        still feeling old

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to I’m feeling kind of old today

        A husband a wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick.

        The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, “So, you’ve never been bedridden.”

        And the wife quickly replied, “Oh, 1000’s of times, and twice in a buggy


        A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office.

        “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”

        “Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think you’re ‘sex drive’ is all in your head?”

        “You’re d@mned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”


        God, grant me the Senility
        To forget the people
        I never liked anyway,
        The good fortune
        To run into the ones I do,
        And the eyesight
        To tell the difference.


        A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first.

        “Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I’m sexually fit,” he says to the doctor.

        “O.K,.” says the medic, “Let me see your sex organs.”

        So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger

        • #2593173

          I mean old

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to still feeling old

          Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

          The second lady chimed in with, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

          The third one responded, ” Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have that problem. Knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”


          Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face.”

          The second old fogey one-upped him and said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers.”

          The third old man laughed and said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a p*ss yesterday, I c@me three times!”


          As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”

          “Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”


          Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

          The second lady chimed in with, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

          The third one responded, ” Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have that problem. Knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”

        • #2593167

          You are getting old when…..

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to I mean old

          – You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

          – Your back goes out, but you stay home.

          – You wake up, looking like your driver’s license picture.

          – When your doctor doesn’t give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

          – When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

          – When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

          – When your wife says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”

          – Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

          – When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

          – You know you’re getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!

          – It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

          – Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

          – Happy hour is a nap.

          – When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

          – Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

          – It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

          – Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

          – The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

          – It takes twice as long to look half as good.

          – The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

          – You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

          – You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

          – You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.

          – You have more patience; but actually, it’s just that you don’t care any more.

          – You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

          – You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

          – You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

          – You don’t know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

          – Let’s face it, traveling just isn’t as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

          – Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

          – You’re suffering from Mallzheimer’s disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

          – Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

          – Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

          – It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

          – If you’ve never smoked, you can start now and it won’t have time to hurt you.

          – People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

          – Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

          – Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

          – Your eyes won’t get much worse.

          – Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

          – Things you buy now won’t wear out.

          – No one expects you to run into a burning building.

          – There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

          – Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

          – In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

          – You’re sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

          – You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing “Kumbaya.”

          – Someone compliments you on your layered look…. and you’re wearing a bikini.

          – You start video taping daytime game shows.
          – At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

          – Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

          – Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

          – It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

          – You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

          – You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

          – You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

          – You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

          – You look both ways before crossing a room.

          – You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

          – You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

          – You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

          – Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

          – Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

          – The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.

          – All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

          – The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

          – You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

          – Your back goes out more than you do.

          – You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

          – You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

          – You are proud of your lawn mower.

          – Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn’t breaking any laws.

          – Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

          – You sing along with the elevator music.

          – You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

          – You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

          – You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

          – You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

          – You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

          – Neighbors borrow your tools.

          – People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

          – You have a dream about prunes.

          – You send money to PBS.

          – The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

          – You take a metal detector to the beach.

          – You wear black socks with sandals.

          – You know what the word “equity” means.

          – You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

          – Your ears are hairier than your head.

          – You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

          – You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

          – You got cable for the weather channel.

          – You can go bowling without drinking.

          – You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

          – Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

          – You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.

          – Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

          – Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

          – Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.

          – You look forward to a dull evening.

          – Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.

          – You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

          – You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

          – You don’t remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

          – You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

          – You don’t remember being absent minded.

          – “Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take a laxative.

          – Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

          – Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.

        • #2593148

          Now I can’t remember why I posted this

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to You are getting old when…..

          Buying Groceries
          A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

          The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

          The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food.

          The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

          The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, “That smells like sh*t.”

          The little old lady said, “It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?”


          Retiring In Peace
          A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

          The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

          After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

          “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

          The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

          “Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”

          “A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!”

          And the old man enjoyed peace.


          The Old Lady
          A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.

          The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

          Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.

          The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

          Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

          “It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”


          The Hearing Aid
          An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

          He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

          The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

          The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”


          PASSING GAS
          An elderly lady complains to the M.D. that she passes gas many times a day. “It’s really more of a nuisance than a problem,” she explains, “They’re silent and they don’t smell.” The M.D. gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a week.

          She returns and says, “I don’t know what it was you gave me, doc, but I still pass gas all the time, it is still silent, but it smells terribly!”

          The M.D. replies, “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll see what we can do for your hearing.”


          Hot Tamale
          There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning and the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

          “Yeah,” she replied. “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

          “I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”

          “Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we?”

          Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

          “You know honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My n!pples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.”

          “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps, “One’s in your coffee and the other one’s in your oatmeal.”


          The Airplane Ride
          Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that airplane.”

          Martha always replied, “I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars.”

          One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, “Martha, I’m 81 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane I might never get another chance.”

          Martha replied, “Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars.”

          The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you; but if you say one word it’s 10 dollars.”

          Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.

          The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

          Bill replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars.”


          A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

          After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the
          counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his
          identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and
          realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he
          seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home
          and come back now?” he asks.

          The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”

          He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

          She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,”
          as she processes his Social Security application.

          When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
          experience at the Social Security office. She says, “You should
          have dropped your pants — you might have qualified for
          disability, too.”


          The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of
          attention as he checked into the resort hotel.

          The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining
          room, lookin’ great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to
          order an enormous breakfast.

          He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his
          young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn
          out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask
          her to repeat the order.

          The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for
          their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride,
          “Honey, I can’t figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks
          like a million and you look like two cents. What’s wrong?”

          “That guy double-crossed me,” the bride said. “He told me he’d
          saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was
          talking about money!”


          Two elderly ladies were out driving in a large car. Both could
          barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they
          came to an intersection.

          The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The woman
          in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it, I
          could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

          After a few more minutes they came to another inter-section and
          the light was red again, and again they went right through. This
          time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
          light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing
          it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close
          attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was
          going on.

          At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
          red, and they went right through. She turned to the other woman
          and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red
          lights in a row? You could have got us killed!”

          Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh hell, am I driving…?”


          George and Harriet were married twenty-five years. They decided to
          celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas.

          When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young
          woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. George
          brushed her off rather rudely. Harriet objected, “George, she was
          nice, that young woman, and you were so rude.”

          “Harriet, she’s a prostitute.”

          “I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?

          “Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.” In their room, George
          called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217.

          “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just
          enough to hear us, okay?” She did. Soon, there was a knock on the
          door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips

          “So, I see you’re interested after all,” she said.

          George asked, “How much do you charge?”

          “$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.”

          George was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of

          Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think
          you can buy sex for that price.”

          “Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.”

          After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. “I just can’t
          believe it.”

          George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat

          At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind
          George pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for


          An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding
          her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

          A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not
          intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing
          up in this high wind?”

          “Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this

          “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said
          the gentleman in earnest.

          The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir,
          anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this
          hat yesterday!”

          A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear
          very short skirts and thong panties.

          One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and
          glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the
          length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of
          the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin
          bread please,” the man says politely.

          The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
          bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man
          standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent
          view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the
          ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he’s
          having company for dinner.

          As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other
          male customers notices what’s going on. Thinking quickly, he
          requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy
          the view.

          With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye
          of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking
          for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

          After many trips she’s tired, irritated and thinking that she is
          really going to have to try this bread for herself!!

          Finally once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring
          at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing
          amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a
          trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin, too?”

          “No,” croaks the old man….”But it’s startin’ to quiver.”

          🙂 😀 :^0

          Everyone have a good weekend

        • #2593166

          was that intentional?

          by locrian_lyric ·

          In reply to I mean old

          Or are you getting so old that you forgot that you posted the first joke again at the end?


        • #2593145

          See, I said I was feeling old!

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to was that intentional?


    • #2593128

      Things I’d love to say on job interviews

      by locrian_lyric ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      1)Hmmm, that’s CONVICTED, right?
      2)Greatest weakness? I guess that would be my violent temper.
      3)Contact my previous employer? Sure, they can’t prove anything.
      4)Why should you hire me? Because you have an excellent sense of self-preservation
      5)May I borrow your phone, I need to check in with my parole officer.
      6)I’m a great people person, unlike those idiots I worked with.
      7)I just want to say that I’ve never quit a position.
      8)what’s your policy about keeping small animals in your desks?

    • #2593122

      Ok, here is my contribution

      by w2ktechman ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      Although I do not agree 100%, this is good anyway

      Perfect Day for a Woman

      08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
      08:30 Weigh 5 lb. lighter than yesterday.
      08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
      09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
      10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny, gay personal trainer.
      10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
      12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
      12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend’s wife, she has gained 30 lb.
      13:00 Shopping with friends, buy myself something special.
      15:00 Nap.
      16:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer.
      16:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
      17:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
      19:00 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
      20:00 Surprised with a piece of jewelry as a token of love.
      21:30 Hot shower. Alone.
      22:00 Make love.
      23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
      23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

      Perfect Day for a Man

      06:00 Alarm.
      06:15 Bl*wj*b.
      06:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
      07:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
      07:30 Limo arrives.
      07:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
      08:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
      09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
      09:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par.
      11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
      12:15 Bl*wj*b.
      12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
      14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
      14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
      15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
      16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin – 1249 lbs.
      17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Playmate of your choice.
      19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
      19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York Strip.
      21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuban cigar.
      22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
      23:00 Massage and jacuzzi.
      23:45 Go to bed.
      23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
      23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.

    • #2588187

      You know you?re living in 2007 when?

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

      2. You haven?t played Solitaire with real cards in years.

      3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

      4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

      5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don?t have e-mail addresses.

      6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

      7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

      8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn?t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

      10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

      11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

      12 You?re reading this and nodding and laughing.

      13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

      14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

      15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn?t#9 on this list

      AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

      • #2588185


        by steffi28 ·

        In reply to You know you?re living in 2007 when?

        1. you try to change the TV channel using your cell phone keypad;
        2. you feel your belt or purse vibrate even when someone else?s phone is ringing;
        3. you trust your car GPS route finder more than what you can see through the windscreen;
        4. you choose your friends according to the size of their MP3 music collection, and of course whether they are prepared to share them with you;
        5. you try to warm up your take-out meal in your hotel room?s electronic safe;
        6. you wish you could put your mother in law in hibernate mode, or yourself in log-off mode;
        7. you try and press ?page down? when turning the page of the novel you are reading, and are surprised when it does not work;
        8. with hundreds of zooty ring tones available, everyone selects the antique one;
        9. your laptop picks up twenty wi-fi networks in an airport but none of them is free;
        10. you have three mice on your desk and are not sure which machine they link to;
        11. you spend more time obeying what your computer and emails tell you to do, than listening to what your manager tells you to do;
        12. when there is a power outage there is no option but to go home, and even the home experience is limited;
        13. you are really really sick and tired of messages ending my telling you to pass them on to your friends, but you obey anyway?

      • #2588140


        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to You know you?re living in 2007 when?

        at least my versions… How sad is that?

        4. You IM the person in the next cubicle

        10. How about I get in a line to get my coffee?

        Damn, that #9 eluded me again! what a trickster you are!

    • #2588162


      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’


      Commandment 1.

      Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.

      Commandment 2.

      If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

      Commandment 3.

      Marriage is grand – and divorce is at least 100 grand!

      Commandment 4.

      Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

      Commandment 5.

      When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

      Commandment 6.

      Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

      Commandment 7.

      Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

      Commandment 8.

      Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

      Commandment 9.

      Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats the husband like toxic waste.

      Commandment 10.

      A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

      Bonus Commandment story

      A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, “It really works!”

    • #2588150


      by michael jay ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      Three ministers a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Southern
      Baptist and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came
      up and swamped the ship.

      They all drowned, and next thing you know, they’re standing
      before St. Peter.

      First in line was the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter
      shook his head sadly and said, “I can’t let you in. You were
      moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved
      it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

      St. Peter waved sadly, and poof! Down the chute to the
      ‘Other Place’ they went.

      Then came the Methodist. “Sorry, can’t let you in either,”
      said Saint Peter. “You abstained from liqu or and dancing
      and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so
      much, you even married a woman named Candy!”
      Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and whang! Down the chute
      went the Methodists.

      The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered
      nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Fanny.”

    • #2588149

      Ugly or not

      by michael jay ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.
      The question?…What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

      He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

      Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

      But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

      The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

      The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!

      Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

      He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

      He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

      Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus:

      What a woman really wants, she answered…is to be in charge of her own life.

      Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.

      And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

      The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

      The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

      Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day….or night?

      Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

      What would YOU do?

      What Lancelot chose is below. BUT….make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

      Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

      Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

      Now….what is the moral to this story?

      Scroll down

      The moral is…..
      If you don’t let a woman have her own way….
      Things are going to get ugly

    • #2588094

      I know how we got to this point. I know how we got to this point.

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      Nyah, nyah nyah nahh nahh.

      Several studies have shown that the average IQ of the United States is 98. For those a little bit challenged… average IQ is accepted to be 100.

      Wait… This isn’t funny. Please disregard.

      I’m not sure what the T-bar in the graph is anymore and I refuse to look it up because I don’t care.

      I’m of 100% Finnish ancestry, back as far as we could check on both sides of my family, in case anyone givesadamn.


    • #2588091

      Funniest movie lines from memory. (need coffee)

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      Peewee Herman waking up after being knocked out in Texas, “I remember, I remember… the Alamo!”

      “ConAir Flight” or sumthin'(?)Landing a 747 in Las Vegas with the wings clipping off things on both sides of the road and causing general mayhem, after coming to a complete stop, the pilot: “Theses things practically land themselves.”

      Unrelated extra tidbit: I don’t know what the big deal is about being the first to create a black rose; you’ve heard about that right? I just checked my flower vase and I have 6 black roses in there. I thought they were red when I put them in there a week ago but it must’ve been the lighting.

      Trail coffee is brewing as I post this. Read this quick afore I edit it out. :^0

      There’s a woman that owns a car sales place on our local TV station’s commercials. She always appears in the commercials with the same car salesman guy. I think he’s doing her or vice-versa but that’s just me.

      • #2588004

        Funniest line in a UK movie

        by neilb@uk ·

        In reply to Funniest movie lines from memory. (need coffee)

        • #2587993

          Bloody ‘ell… ‘E blew the bloody doors off didn’t ‘e?

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Funniest line in a UK movie

          Critics! They’re everywhere you go.

        • #2587983

          Only 3 DNS lookup errors before I got here. WooHoo!

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Funniest line in a UK movie

          I blame Hughesnet for that. Now I can’t upload the picture that I was going to show you to my photobucket account for a “DNS lookup error”. Maybe some people are attacking the Internet again. It is the weekend after all. Martial law anyone. (Infrastructure under attack).

          British Special Forces face a cutback in their budget.

          Just kidding. I have a great deal of respect for the SAS and SBS folks. I have a business card somewhere here from an SBS troop who was my instructor for too short a time. He was also THE man I contacted re: threats against my CEO’s (my boss’s) son’s life (call him Brad) when he was at our plant in Brazil. His SBS advice? Go directly to the airport and, “get out of Dodge” (leave) ASAP.

          That’s what Brad did. He may have had to buy new clothes but… at least he can still buy new clothes instead of just wearing the same suit forever.

          Why am I telling you this? What is it about the Yuk (maybe it’s you) that brings out my dark-side?

        • #2587971

          The dark side…

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to Only 3 DNS lookup errors before I got here. WooHoo!

          Nope, it’s me. I seem to have that effect on loads of people.

          Neil 😀

          p.s I enjoyed your piccies.

    • #2588089

      I wish…

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

    • #2588087

      Winning the war on natural drugs. Outstanding in his field.

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’


    • #2588082

      D’ya think big Agri-corp is encroaching upon us?

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      People are moving out and their places torn down and turned into Agri-corp property. Not gonna’ happen here. I bet my life on it. BTW-If you find an exact match for this picture on Google Earth you’ll know exactly where I live. Or you could just send me a peermail I s’pose.

    • #2588076

      Me want.

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

    • #2588075

      For TechExec2. Shown at :0

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      May not be safe for work depending upon what kind of chickenshlt outfit you work for. Link goes to my photobucket album.

    • #2588074
    • #2588072

      I want a ticket for the cheap seats please.

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

    • #2588068

      My neighbors are out killing dandelions and mowing like maniacs

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      I just threw 11 hours of “live’ recorded music on my media player connected to my stereo and cranked it up. I think I’ll go outside and maybe chill out in the pool later. It’s always fun to watch them work so hard on their days “off”. I get a kick out of it. Not sure what that says about me. Oh well. I might mow next week. BTW-My neighbors don’t care if I do or not.

      I have this place recently cerified as a wildlife habitat with the National Wildlife Federation. I get a neato sign and everything. (Cost me). I may not agree with everything the NWF stands for (go figure) but I do like them.

      There was a home directly across the street from the local Sheriff’s department, next to the courthouse, that was a certified habitat too. It was funny. The guy had grass and “weeds”/wildflowers in his yard that were 4 to 6 feet tall and the Sheriff refused to allow the city to enforce lawn height restrictions. It never even went to court. B-)

      The Sheriff was re-elected year after year until he retired. Larry, the new Sheriff, is cool too. Used to work with him. Great guy. 🙂

      • #2588017

        Talked to my west-side neighbor while he was mowing

        by ontheropes ·

        In reply to My neighbors are out killing dandelions and mowing like maniacs

        He said, “I only mow once a week so that I don’t have to mow more often”.


        • #2587911

          Seriously? How Funny.

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Talked to my west-side neighbor while he was mowing


        • #2587175

          Yep! Seriously.

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Seriously? How Funny.

          I couldn’t recall his name and asked my wife what it is, (Gene). When I told her about his remark she replied, “I never said he was smart.”

          I should talk to him more often. I felt like I was stoned when he said that.

          He also said that he uses less gas when he mows the entire 5 acres at the same time than he does if he lets his back 2-3 acres grow up to 6 inches before he mows it. I asked him if that was because he had to make two passes and he proudly said, “Oh no. This mower will do it in one pass.”

          I think I’m trippin’. Got any Niacinamide?

    • #2588060

      Is there such a thing as too much coffee?

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

    • #2588058
      • #2588022

        is that bird flu or Tigger pounced?

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to Bird flu

        Hard to say, as both would end up like that!!!

        • #2587948
          Avatar photo

          No it’s defiantly Bird Flu

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to is that bird flu or Tigger pounced?

          A Tigger Pounce would leave the bird much flatter with red stuff leaking out of it as the Tigger would bounce on it till it was squashed into the ground. 😀

          Col ]:)

    • #2588057
      • #2587946
        Avatar photo

        Cool a Prototype

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Geek ride

        With a small NOS Bottle in it. Great for short run tests but useless for the real thing as the NOS bottle is way too small. :^0

        One day I’ll have to dig out the photos of the Mirage Motor that I fitted to a car just to see what would happen. 😀


        • #2587936

          I know I want to see the pix.

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Cool a Prototype

          Our old Corporate pilots and flight/plane mechanics had an engine replaced on the Corporate jet instead of getting it rebuilt after we ran up service hours on it. They took the old engine and mounted it in the bed of a smallish pickup truck with the jetstream directed off to one side at ground level via ducting at the passenger side rear.

          They were really proud of themselves when they asked if I wanted to see “something” when we got back after a daytrip one summer.

          The thought behind the thing was that it was going to be the ultimate snow blower and they’d use it to keep the runway clear of light snow. (It was our airport.)

          I didn’t want to burst their bubble and I should’ve made them promise me that they’d call me the first time they used it. I bet I would’ve made a bundle on Americas Funniest Home Videos. I KNOW my boss would’ve laughed his ass off. He didn’t see them use it the first time either.

          For those who can’t picture it thru my lame description; what the pilots and mechanics had created was what I surmised was the ultimate “snow doughnut” pickup truck.

          A jet engine output pointed slightly down (slight lifting force? :^0 It was a Gulfstream Westwind(?) luxury jet)
          and to the right (from the rear) on a pickup truck that would have to drive onto snow (creating an ice-slick surface) to blow it off the runway.

          I talked to the pilots after they’d used it and it was all about, “we’ll be flying at Angels 25” blah, blah, blah. :^0

          I never pressed them for full disclosure as I just “knew” what had happened. Call it an edumacated guess. After I didn’t rag/rat on them they’d always try to fly over my shack when we headed south and I was onboard. They were NEVER late to pick me up no matter where in hell I was at either. I thought that all was cool. For instance, since we’d fly out early I could see what lights I’d forgotten to turn off at home. (Usually the bedroom closet light. It figures as that was pre-coffee intake. Do I sound like I like coffee? Hey! I have Finnish ancestors!!!)

          If it’s not too much trouble Col I’d like to see your pix and “hear” your story. I’d come over there to look but the pond is in the way right now.

        • #2587148
          Avatar photo

          Well I’ll see what I can dig up in the way of photos

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I know I want to see the pix.

          The real problem was I could never find enough room to mount a fuel tank to carry enough Jet fuel so it was never actually used other than some short runs and while strapped down and feed fuel from outside. After Burners chew through the fuel but the idea was to melt any of those nasty police who tried to sneak up behind me for speeding. 😀

          I mounted the Mirage engine loosely in the transmission tunnel and the tail pipe was exiting out through the boot area sort of like GG’s Bat mobile if you like and the entire thing ran on the thrust of the Jet Engine. Naturally because the air intakes where so far back there was a lot of ducting involved so that cut down space to mount fuel tanks. Eventually we ended up with a Fuel Cell mounted inside the cockpit but even the 200 gallons that that could carry didn’t give much of a range. Great for the quarter mile runs but useless for what I wanted to do with it. Anyhow as we didn’t have anything to do with Drag vehicles it was never pushed to far but it did look wonderful on afterburner. :^0

          Hardly feasible though as Gas Turbine engines like to stay at a fairly constant speed and perform best that way and they are not suited for rapid acceleration or deceleration of turbine speed. I just liked the idea of having so much hot air out the rear to smother any car behind you from getting too close. Of course the 40 + feet of flame didn’t hurt either. 😀

          Eventually that engine ended up in the Spirit of Australia a Water Speed Attempt boat and when fitted there the afterburner never worked for some reason I always put it down to the stability issues involved with the craft as it would bounce all over the place when at full power but when tied down it worked perfectly. That was the engine that sucked in a big offset ring spanner when being tested by the Air force apprentices and was destroyed but it made a lovely sound in the car. ;\

          Unfortunately I haven’t been allowed to buy another Gas Turbine engine as [b]SWMBO[/b] has put her foot down she knows me way too well and when I started drooling over a Pegasus Motor I was slapped down and told [b]NO![/b] Seems that I can’t go anywhere near a place selling Vincent Motorcycles or military jet engines but everywhere else is OK. :_|

          I’ll see if I can find the pictures but it was mounted in a 2 door Holden Monaro somewhere around the HG era early 70’s and we took a racing V8 chassis and played with that to get the desired effect. Most of the ducting was made with Carbon Fiber as we where the first to adopt it’s use and needed something to test it on. That’s my story & I’m sticking to it no matter what! :8}

          Col ]:)

        • #2587123

          I think I know what it would look like but pix would be cool.

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Well I’ll see what I can dig up in the way of photos

          As far as the rest of it…

          I still do a search every once in awhile looking for Vincent Black Shadows but haven’t found any for sale yet. I thought I was close a few times but the leads always petered out. So… you can listen to SWMBO and stay away from places on the www that sell “stuff”. I don’t have to. 😀
          (I hope she doesn’t read this. I live in Los Angeles, remember?) :^0

        • #2587117

          Vincent Black Shadow

          by neilb@uk ·

          In reply to I think I know what it would look like but pix would be cool.

          Back in the mid 80’s, I started helping out on Saturdays training motorcyclists for their tests for Lambeth council in London. I got into it when I did my training for the tests with them and sort of carried on, did a few courses and became a motorcycle instructor.

          The guy who ran the course, Tom, was over 70 years old when I started there and he had an immaculate 1000cc Black Shadow which he’d owned from new so it was 35 years old when I first saw it but almost looked like it was straight out of the showroom. I drove it round our test track on many occasions – but never over 30mph.

          I did see it break 100mph on a couple of occasions during one of our instructors “outings” in Germany when he took his turn leading the group down the autobahn. At the time I had a BMW K75 – a “flying brick” – and the speedo was pretty accurate.

          I know that he still had it in ’95 but what happened after that, I don’t know.

          Neil 😀

          Aaaah… Nostalgia!

        • #2587004
          Avatar photo

          STOP IT NOW Neil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Vincent Black Shadow

          I’ve ridden a couple of Series C Black Shadows and the worst one was driving out the the Easter Race Meeting at Bathurst were I was pulled up for supposedly running a speed trap and not stopping. Well as it wasn’t me and I was only ferrying the bike for the NSW Vincent Owners Club out to Bathurst and there was an Old Pomy Copper who stopped me I thought that I could get away with the fact that it was so old that the bike couldn’t go as fast as it was claimed by the Police who had Radioed it in. These things left the showroom floor with a guarantee that they would do 125 MPH new and faster if broken in properly. Needless to say the one I was ridding that day was a lovely bike and was capable of maintaining that stated top speed all day.

          Unfortunately the Cop in question used to race these things in England before he emigrated so I sort of felt stuffed. His response was that I didn’t pass him and to stop in on the way back which I agreed to do quite comfortably and he let me go as he was drooling over the bike. Well once at Bathurst I was racing my own bike and I organized that the Vincent Owners Club pay him a visit on the return trip so along with the Black Shadow that I was ridding and several others as well as the Shadows owner and quite a few Comets we all rolled into town pulled up at the police station and while the town folk hide in fear the local copper was wetting himself over the 35 Vincents that dropped in for a visit. He was allowed to ride several of the bikes including the one that I was ridding and he was in his place and way above any set speed limit.

          I don’t know what happened since but the NSW Vincent Owners Club used to make it a must do thing to drop in on this guy on the return from Bathurst every Easter till that race meeting was closed because the track was considered too dangerous for motorcycles.

          OH did I mention that I used to know Phil Irving?

          Col ]:)

        • #2579811

          Hal – Not a Mirage engine in a car but…

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to Well I’ll see what I can dig up in the way of photos

          …I’ll bet this thing has some torgue.

          I want one. A great six-pack grocery getter, as long as the “grocery” store is close to an aviation-fuel pump.

        • #2596592
          Avatar photo

          OK so it’s a work in Progress

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Hal – Not a Mirage engine in a car but…

          But I really would like to see some attempt to add front brakes and some form of suspension. 😀

          Starting may be a slight problem as well but it certainly looks nice. Now where is that drooling emotion that TR promised all that time ago. :p


    • #2588056
    • #2588054
    • #2588015

      Stuff I’d do if I had more money and a larger yard. I have plenty of time.

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      1. One of my neighbors has Llamas. They’re cool, dorky looking animals. I’d have Llamas. I’d find the natural leader of the herd and put a body harness on him that held remotely controlled bicycle-type headlights, taillights and front and rear turn signals. I’d make a movie, entertain my friends. I think it’d be funny.

      2. Ever hear of Fainting goats? I’d have Fainting goats. I’d rig a remote control to a yelping siren so that after a tough day at work, (hypothetically speaking), I could come home, hit the remote siren and watch a herd full of Fainting goats just fall over into the grass. I think it’d be funny and a stress reliever.

      3. I’d have a miniature horse and hire a midget, dressed to-scale like a cowboy, to give babies and the smallest children a free ride or pose for pictures for the parents. I think it’d be funny.

      4. Those were just off the top of my head. I’ll have to think about #4. Maybe someone else has an idea or 2 or 3.

    • #2588011

      Last week there was Human Tetris

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      This week, theres Human Pacman!

      • #2587943
        Avatar photo

        So My Dear I take it that you died your hair Blonde

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Last week there was Human Tetris

        In the hopes of being mistaken for a Wii instead of a PS3 right? :0

        Col ]:)

    • #2587035

      Polluting the Yuk – Best read without “View all Posts”

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      People are weird. D’ya’ ever notice.

      What do I mean? Well… get ready.

      For example: I used to work a white collar position (WCP). In that job I met a lot of people and saw a lot more. Many of the people I knew and saw were very sharply dressed during the week yet run into them on the weekend and they’d be unshaven and unkempt when you’d see them at the grocery store with their 2.2 kids and their overweight, overstressed wife.

      Also while working my WCP I’d work with and see many more blue collar types. Run intro them on the weekend and they’d be showered, shaved and dressed in their best.


      It’s also strange how I can see somebody 100 times in a work context and see them outside of that and not be able to place them. I saw that way back when I was a cop. I had to deal with some people I’d gone to high school with. I sat right across the homeroom desk/island from one of them. He never recognized me because I didn’t have a joint in my hand and scruff ponytail and beard. I was incognito. I also saw times where I was threatened physically, as a cop in uniform, yet when I ran into the ?perps? (for lack of a better word) while out of uniform they didn’t recognize me. I’d have to actually ask them if they wanted to take a little bit of Ronald Oscar on when there was no one around to prove anything to. Bummer that no one took me up on it. Might have been interesting to get my butt kicked for no good reason. I’ll never know. At least not yet.


      Why is it that one time out of a hundred we see ?something? and use that ?something? to form the entire basis of our opinion of another? I think it’s because we’re human. We like to think that everyone is at least living up to the same ?standard? we are. They might be living in a single-wide mobile home with 4 others to make ends meet but when we see them they have a Starbucks ?whatever? and are clean, happy and seemingly well-adjusted. They might BE more well-adjusted than I am and THAT wouldn’t surprise me a bit. My point is that I can hear the rumor-mill rustling after a person found out that Joe Starbuck lives in a single-wide mobile home in a ?bad? part of town.


      Why should it matter? I’ve always said that I don’t care how someone treats anyone else it’s how they treat me that’s important. That’s true, up to a point. If I know a person to be a liar, cheat, pervert (by MY definition) or know them to be violent to innocents and those who cannot defend themselves I do care. Other than that, I don’t. Maybe that’s why I don’t care to delve too deeply into someones background or lifestyle. Maybe I think that I won’t like what I see and it will change my formerly ?good? opinion into a ?bad? opinion. I’m at risk for that everyday myself. Maybe someone will see me talking to a gay couple and laughing and my reputation with them will shoot downhill. That doesn’t mean that I’m in any way, shape or form gay (lesbian either-sorry ladies) it may just mean that I don’t condemn people for it. My phobias are more along the lines of fear of being forgotten and alone than they are of people who have made a choice to follow their hearts. If you get out of this life with a single person that gives a shlt that you were even here I think you’ve beaten the odds, no matter what your gender and orientation.

      Is that weird?

      This doesn’t belong in the Yuk. It doesn’t even REALLY belong at TR. It’s more of a post that should go into a blog, someplace where people won’t even read it. I have sites and I have posted to several of those. I rebel at the thought of trying to drive traffic to them. People have free will. They’ll read or not read something because it interests them, not because I say, ?Here! Read this!!!? You’re also quite free to laugh at me. I’ll be devestated.

      I’m posting this in the Yuk and blaming Neil. :^0 By his own admission he brings out the dark-side in people. This isn’t necessarily dark-side material but I do hope people think the next time they open their mouths to gossip about someone else. I say this too. I think that men are a lot worse than women when it comes to gossiping. A lot worse. I’ve had grown men comment on how low I’ve sunk simply because I have extremely short hair and a droopy mustache.

      Too weird!

      I’ve been ?put down? by various people for:

      1.Short hair
      2.Shoulder length hair
      3.A ponytail
      4.A mustache
      5.A beard
      6.A Norton Commando Roadster
      7.A Harley-Davidson FLSTC,
      8.A Datsun 240 ZX
      9.A Ford Bronco,

      10.A Dodge Charger
      11.A black belt
      12.A cops uniform
      13.A US Navy uniform
      14.A Bible in my hand
      15.A joint in my hand
      16.Having muscles
      17.Being overweight (underheight)

      18.Having no degree
      19.Being a white collar worker
      20.Being a blue collar worker
      21.Drinking cheap beer
      22.Drinking expensive Scotch
      23.Poor punctuation and HTML skills

      In short, I’ve seen it in the eyes of someone or heard it from someone at sometime that I have been put down for every little thing that makes me who and what I am at any time in question. We hear it on the TV. We actually feed other peoples judgments into our lives via what we read, what we listen to and what we see whether it’s by our choice, changing the dial on the tube, or by listening to our co-worker over by ?the water cooler?. Once we fed them into our lives it’s easier to accept them than to have to think against them. After all, Justin and Chad (imaginary people) might appear to be great guys but man, there is that one thing they both said that (an imaginary person) Peter told me about. Since Peter talks to me it’s easier to go along with what he says because neither Justin or Chad talk to me and I’ve always been a little resentful of that.

      You see where I’m going with all of this? We as people, as individuals have a choice about what we do with any thing we see or hear but we don’t see that we have a choice. We follow our rut because it’s safe and comfortable, nobody bothers us and we can live in our rut until we die.
      Wake up! Grab another cup of coffee and pay a little closer attention. There is an old saying, ?You are a child of the Universe?. You are. There’s no metaphysical crap about it. You are here, you comprehend what I just said and what you DO will in some greater or lesser way have an impact on me though you may be 12 hours ahead or behind my timezone.

      If you’re an American citizen, smile more. You are very well off. Even our poorest are often much better off than the poorest of some other nations. If you’re an American citizen say hello to your neighbor. Seriously. It may freak them out. Go ahead and freak them out but be kind and have no ulterior motive in mind. Just be what you likely really want to be in your mind. A free, peaceful American citizen. The freedom of choice on how you’re going to handle your day and those you interact with rests squarely on your shoulders or would you rather have someone else dictate how you should act? I doubt it. You may be doing that or allowing that to happen and not even realize it. That’s why people like me use the term ?sheople? or ?sheeple?.

      Weird huh?

      We’ve got an immigration problem, for one thing and resolving that with hatred is NOT a solution. We always seem to forget our elementary school beginnings. We need to resolve problems by identifying the root cause. As IT pro’s you’re all probably familiar with root cause analysis. It applies to every aspect of my life. I blame all of my problems and this post on Neil but the root cause may go deeper than that. It may be that I see people who just continue to plow through life without coming up with answers of their own. They’d rather repeat back the favorite sound bite of their favorite candidate rather than investigate the real issues and think about them. I think immigration and illegal aliens wouldn’t be such a problem if we helped educate people in other countries. I’d want to flee my country and come here too if I lived under an oppressive and corrupt leadership and had no hope for my children. Wouldn’t you? Right now, today, I’m ready to move to another planet. Stop the world. I want off!

      Should I join the PEACE Corps or should I post my blather where millions, (maybe even 21 people) can read it. If it wasn’t for my being married I might very well join the PEACE Corp. Do I advocate that? Nope. You do whatever you feel you have to do to be happy, safe and sane. All I ask is that you don’t just do it by rote but think about things and never trust a single source of information for anything. Ever. Since you’re into IT you know about the Internet. Use it and check, double-check your important decisions. I’ve found that I’ve been wrong about a lot of things and I KNOW I’m not alone.

    • #2587000
      Avatar photo

      Just saw this one and Immediately thought of Steffi

      by hal 9000 ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      Hot Blonde At Wife School

      Just what the Hubby requires. :^0

      Col ]:)

      • #2586990

        I dont remember this from email

        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to Just saw this one and Immediately thought of Steffi

        but it is pretty old. Anyway here goes

        It was a dark and dreary night. 2 young boys were out camping with their father, sitting by the fire. Wolves howling in the distance. 1 of the boys says, Father, tell us a scary story. The father says, ok, and starts.

        It was a dark and dreary night. 2 young boys were out camping with their father, sitting by the fire. Wolves howling in the distance. 1 of the boys says, Father, tell us a scary story. The father says, ok, and starts.

        It was a dark and dreary night. 2 young boys were out camping with their father, sitting by the fire. Wolves howling in the distance. 1 of the boys says, Father, tell us a scary story. The father says, ok, and starts.

        It was a dark and dreary night. 2 young boys were out camping with their father, sitting by the fire. Wolves howling in the distance. 1 of the boys says, Father, tell us a scary story. The father says, ok, and starts.

        It was a dark and dreary night. 2 young boys were out camping with their father, sitting by the fire. Wolves howling in the distance. 1 of the boys says, Father, tell us a scary story. The father says, ok, and starts.

        Ok, it was lame. But if you read every line, you must be blonde!

        • #2586966

          Well then I’m not blonde!!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to I dont remember this from email

          I only read the first five paragraphs so there :p

        • #2586913
          Avatar photo

          Quick W2K you had better copy & paste another paragraph

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Well then I’m not blonde!!

          The Blonde said that she read the first 5 when you only had 4 so you had better change that ASAP to prevent her getting upset. :^0

          Col ]:)

        • #2588518

          Ok, DONE! :^0

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Quick W2K you had better copy & paste another paragraph

          She must have been counting line breaks as partial paragraphs. Whew!!! Fixed that right up now!

        • #2588366

          :0 I cant believe

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Ok, DONE! :^0

          That your against me too 🙁

          I thought you really loved me! You know you didnt edit a thing so stop siding with Col!!

        • #2589323

          What??? Against YOU???

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to :0 I cant believe

          however I wouldnt mind being against you. Just make sure your husband aint around 😡

        • #2588367

          I may of gone back and counted but….

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Quick W2K you had better copy & paste another paragraph

          that doesnt make me stupid! There wasnt four there was five so there :p

        • #2589322

          How many times did you go back and count?

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to I may of gone back and counted but….

          and more importantly, did you say to yourself “Line Break” at each break???

        • #2588519

          Now, did you say to yourself

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Well then I’m not blonde!!

          Line Break, in between each? If so, then the blonde roots have caused major permanent damage. If not, then you are only nominally blonde (for now)!!! 😡

        • #2588365

          Count Again!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Now, did you say to yourself

          I know I’m not going crazy its there 5 times I know it is.

        • #2588336
          Avatar photo

          Yes Dear whatever you say :^0

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Count Again!

          BTW what have you done to Dave? :0

          I haven’t seen that poor guy around recently what did you do to scare him off? :p

          Actually I’m not out to get you yet but wait till the counter gets to 666 and then the gloves come off and you’ll be relegated to the [b]Pure Brigade[/b] where you belong [b]My Dear![/b] Then you’ll get to see what a really [b]Impure One[/b] is like. No cheating either and running to Beth for protection from me to get the counter altered either. 😀

          Col ]:)

        • #2588313

          I was thinking that myself!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Yes Dear whatever you say :^0

          I think he’s scared that the beast is about to be unleashed and so hes ran away! But also I know he recently started a new job so maybe there too demanding and he’s not getting any TR time!! :0

        • #2589320

          Ok, You Win

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to Count Again!

          I keep forgetting, Never, Ever argue with a Blonde… :0 :^0 😡

      • #2586934

        I just sent the link to my wife at her work

        by ontheropes ·

        In reply to Just saw this one and Immediately thought of Steffi

        That place is pretty laid-back and it isn’t strictly unsafe for work.

        My wife is about 110#’s soaking wet. She literally scares me too. I’m not kidding. I’ve seen her in action and you’d better be quick. Think Bobcat/Wolverine/Matsuomo Musashi quick. I hope she never meets your wife. You know how women can share notes, etc. I get into enough hot water without anyone giving my wife pointers.

        My wife also shares an office with another skeery woman who will, I’m sure, see the video. They’re the only two in the office. Enter the office at your own risk.

        Normally I meet my wife for lunch on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Today I have other things to attend to so I won’t be going in. Hopefully my wifeypoo will forget the whole thing before she gets home to fix my supper. :^0

        • #2586920
          Avatar photo

          That’s wishful thinking

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to I just sent the link to my wife at her work

          But I was drawn to this one by it’s title something like Hot Blonde at Wifes Class, I normally wouldn’t have looked if it hadn’t been for that one but even [b]SWMBO[/b] was laughing her heart out when I showed it to her. :^0

          So you just might be safe of course if she hurt herself laughing you’ll be in for it but then as the only person here who can never do anything right I’m used to always being blamed when something goes wrong. I swear if the dog had kittens I would get the blame. 😀

          But I found a solution to my problem when I’m approached I immediately [b]Plead Guilty[/b] then when asked what it is that I’ve done wrong instead of telling the truth I make up the most outlandish story that is impossible to believe and after a short attempt to strangle me for telling lies she walks away in disgust muttering that I never tell the truth and when she decides that I need to be taught a lesson I just plead guilty and don’t attempt to defend myself or my actions even when what I’m being accused of is so preposterous that it’s unbelievable. That drives her totally insane but at least any fights are short as she can not continue to put up complaints when I say things like [b]Yes Dear I’m Inconsiderate and Self Absorbed![/b] This drives her nearly insane as I make no attempt to defend myself and just lay down and play dead.

          Of course the worst fight recently was when she smashed one of my cars I only asked if she was all right and didn’t make any comment about the car. As it turns out she wasn’t in it when a truck backed into it and did the damage but I was in no end of trouble for not giving her a mouthful because the car was bent. Go figure. 🙁

          Col ]:)

        • #2590053

          I just talked to my wife

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to That’s wishful thinking

          When she realized it was me all I heard was “Haaa Haaa Haaa”.

          That doesn’t bode well for supper, especially as I told her that I’d enrolled her and her office mate in “wife school”. I’m going to tell her that it was all your idea if she presses me for details. She’ll understand. 😀

          Good thing I had a big lunch today.

    • #2586989

      Another scary story

      by w2ktechman ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      One dark night in the middle of the day, 2 dead boys went out to play. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf old cop heard the noise, and went to kill he 2 dead boys. If you dont believe this story, ask the blind man. He saw it all, says his dog.

      Ok, it was lame too! :^0

      • #2586965

        I’ve heard that one

        by steffi28 ·

        In reply to Another scary story

        but slightly different.

        For example the first two lines of the one I heard is…

        One fine day in the middle of the night,
        two dead men got up to fight.

        And the one I’ve heard doesnt have the bit about the cop or the blind man in either, weird how stories get changed as different people hear them. I wonder which one is the original!!

        • #2586960

          and Pa’s version – sorta –

          by gadgetgirl ·

          In reply to I’ve heard that one

          Late last night, about 7 o’clock this morning, a fire broke out in the middle of the ocean. The blind man saw it, the deaf man heard it, and the man who hadn’t any legs ran for the fire brigade.

          The fire engine was pulled by two dead horses who ran over our dead cat and nearly killed it.

          They smothered the fire in salt, because water didn’t work on water, which is why the sea is always salty…..



        • #2590112

          hadnt heard that one

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to and Pa’s version – sorta –

          but it doesnt rhyme well either…

          but lame, just like mine… I like it though

        • #2589310

          One fine day in the middle of the night

          by dadspad ·

          In reply to I’ve heard that one

          The famous speaker who no one had heard of said:
          Ladies and jellyspoons, hobos and tramps,
          cross-eyed mosquitos and bow-legged ants,
          I stand before you to sit behind you
          to tell you something I know nothing about.
          Next Thursday, which is Good Friday,
          there’s a Mother’s Day meeting for fathers only;
          wear your best clothes if you haven’t any.
          Please come if you can’t; if you can, stay at home.
          Admission is free, pay at the door;
          pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
          It makes no difference where you sit,
          the man in the gallery’s sure to spit.
          The show is over, but before you go,
          let me tell you a story I don’t really know.
          One bright day in the middle of the night,
          two dead boys got up to fight.
          (The blind man went to see fair play;
          the mute man went to shout “hooray!”)
          Back to back they faced each other,
          drew their swords and shot each other.
          A deaf policeman heard the noise,
          and came and killed the two dead boys.
          A paralysed donkey passing by
          kicked the blind man in the eye;
          knocked him through a nine-inch wall,
          into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
          If you don’t believe this lie is true,
          ask the blind man; he saw it too,
          through a knothole in a wooden brick wall.
          And the man with no legs walked away.


          Isn’t Google wonderful 😀

    • #2586922

      Microsoft presents the [i]VISTA PERCEPTION IS REALITY TOUR![/i]

      by techexec2 ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

    • #2586894

      Got my laptop!!!!!!!!!!!!

      by shellbot ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      IT CAME!!!!

      Its so pretty..its so nice..its got Vista..but I don’t care..

      Its a Vaio – VGN-SZ5VWN/X

      My hubby is just too good to me!!!!

      • #2586858
        Avatar photo

        Shelly how do you know that it’s so Pretty?

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to Got my laptop!!!!!!!!!!!!

        As you didn’t log onto TR on Sunday I’m supposing that you have yet to remove it from the packing. If you had of pulled it out I’m sure that you would have had a play with it. Or maybe you are unable to get it to connect to the Internet as Vista is insisting that the Internet is insecure and will not let you go near it. 😀

        Either way Vista permitting if you got a trial version of Office 2007 [b]Do Not Use It[/b] as you will be forced to buy a copy of Office 2007 at retail because the native file format in 2007 is not supported by older versions of Office. This trap is something that I remove from every NB that I sell if I don’t make them myself.

        For some strange reason the owners get really dirty on the supplier when they can no longer access their documents and get really nasty when they realize that they can not buy an OEM copy of Office.

        But it should be small enough but still heavy enough to fit in your handbag and do serious damage when you swing it as a weapon. :^0

        One woman that I knew used to empty her handbag once a week onto the shop floor pick up what she thought that she would need which was very little and then push the big pile of other stuff under a counter as it was no longer required. I once made the mistake of following her directions and I was silly enough to reach into her handbag only to be stabbed by several million pins at least I hope that is what they where as I didn’t look and was convinced that she had it [b]Bobby Trapped[/b] I never did as she asked again and always left her to find what she was looking for. This generally resulted in the handbag being emptied onto the floor to find the missing item. I gave up trying to understand how women think many years ago and have never made the mistake of trying to understand what she was up to.

        When she sold that shop it took 5 moving vans to pick up all the big piles of stuff that she had on the floor. 😀


        • #2590205


          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Shelly how do you know that it’s so Pretty?

          i didn’t get to spend a lot of quality time with it this weekend, as saturday i was celebrating and sunday i was recovering!!

          but yes, it does go online..i was busy reading my user manuals and checking out info on it. oh and doing my windows updates, nortons updates, sony updates and all other manner of updates..i’m sure i’ve missed some and when i log in tonoght it will inform me how many more hours i need to spend doing it!!

          its got a fingerprint reader and new mission, to see if i can scan my cats pawprints !!! i’m not sure what it will do though..don’t wanna break anything, so have to investigate thouroughly before i try to do so. ]:)

          as for Office 07, ya 3 months free version..i won’t take it up though, as i have office disk somewhere around the house..if i want 2007 i can get full license for it from a source 🙂

          Small..13.3″ screen
          Light.. 1.69 kg

          handbag?? ye gods, what kind of lady you take me for? I need to get a proepr backback for it..not going to get a sony one as i really don’t want to shout it out to every junkie and thief i walk by.
          it will never be used as shall be worshipped and treated with all due tenderness and care..well..untill the novelty wears off anyways 🙂

        • #2588404
          Avatar photo

          OK Shelly as it appears that you need the money

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to well..

          This arrived for me today a couple of times actually so I don’t feel bad about helping you out. 😀

          [i]My Dear Friend,

          I am Maureen Haughey, widow of former Taoiseach of the Republic of
          Ireland, Charles J. Haughey and daughter of former Taoiseach of the
          Republic of Ireland and heir to de Valera, Sean F. Lemass.

          The Press has written a lot about unresolved mysteries and corruption
          surrounding Charles’s dealings, but I tell you something,my Charlie
          was a good man. He was human and he did whatever he did. People marvel
          why I stuck with Charlie and didn’t speak during the mess that came
          with the exposure of his affairs with Terry Keane (I just hate to think
          of her). I had to stand by him through the tribunal times.. it was to do
          with what I’m doing now. No one knew the details of all Charlie’s
          financial dealings but me. I remain the only one who knows all who got
          loans from Charlie and didn’t come back to pay when he was disgraced.
          I am the only one who knows about these monies and the other Ansbacher

          I write to you, an old weary woman, sick and almost tired of living. My
          end is near but I will not depart until my final mission is
          accomplished and I also write this with an unshaken belief in the power
          of aspirations and dreams of a human being.

          The Irish government thinks it can shave and reduce me to a poor widow
          but I have the winning ace.
          A few years ago, when we weren’t sure if my Charlie would be
          convicted, he kept some money in trust for me in a Security and Finance
          company. He did not open the account in our names so it will not be
          traced to us to enable the past remain the past. The name on the account is
          Cedric de Vregille. I never thought Charlie would leave me so soon and
          it never occurred to me to ask if this name were fictitious or not or a
          name of any of his friends. I have tried to find this man but to no avail.
          The amount he deposited in this name is 30,000,000 (Thirty Million

          I want an honest person to come forward and lay claims to this amount,
          moreover to use the funds as instructed by me. I have all the documents
          needed, I just need a face for the name. I have mapped out 10% of the
          funds for you, as you will help us (you and I) execute this job.
          As soon as I receive your acceptance for this work I shall give you
          necessary details of my solicitor who will facilitate the release of
          the funds in your name. Please reply me via my personal email:

          For my security and the sake of letting sleeping dogs lie, I strongly
          advice that you keep our dealings confidential.
          You can read more about my charlie from:

          Thank You.[/i]

          OH I should have mentioned that the hand bag in question was the size of a small van and required a Fork Lift to carry it around. It would have been a perfect place to hide a NB and never be seen again.

          I’m obviously doing something wrong as I always fully update any NB that I sell prior to it going out. Seems that some people will accept anything and put up without complaints pity that I can not find any of them. 🙁


        • #2588363


          by shellbot ·

          In reply to OK Shelly as it appears that you need the money

          these attempts at making us rich are getting sneakier by the minute aren’t they??!!
          it gave me a good laugh 🙂

          re: updating NB, well..they only came from the warehouse Friday afternoon, and i wanted it right then and way was i waiting till Monday to get it!!! SO i didn’t care 🙂

        • #2588329
          Avatar photo

          Shelly I want customer like you NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :_|

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to yeesh..

          I’ve just spent an hour on the phone to one customer telling them how to use Office 2003 as the new NB has it installed and it’s different to the Vaio that he had and he’s unable to use it. Apparently Word has been set to automatically open everything in RTF well according to him anyway but when I talked him through making that change it wasn’t right either.

          Apparently the Default settings of Office 2003 are different on two different computers but when I open his old NB that he wanted wiped and reloaded it’s setup exactly the same way as the one that I delivered after adding all the updates and getting rid of the Problem Ware [i]Office 2007 Trial and Norton’s Internet Security among other things.[/i]

          The one that got me was he insisted that there was no copy of office installed on the computer because he couldn’t find the M$ Office listing in the menu. On his old unit it was the last piece of installed software and appeared at the end of the list and he didn’t think to look Alphabetically for Microsoft. He also complained that the supplied Mouse wasn’t set to Left Hand Operation and when I walked him through that modification he suddenly decided that he wanted it set to right hand operation.

          I’m just waiting for his next series of complaints as I’m slowly going mad. I can not understand how something that he’s been using for 4 years is so difficult to use on a different computer when he has exactly the same product installed. What’s makes it even worse is that I asked him to open his documents and do things before I left and he was happy with the way that it worked and how easy it was to get to things. But Now! :0

          Col ]:)

        • #2588305

          not everyone appreciates me tho!

          by shellbot ·

          In reply to Shelly I want customer like you NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :_|

          for instance i walked into a Sony shop, glanced around (all i see are NB with 17″ screens), walked up to the counter and pleasantly asked if they had any SZ models in stock.
          He says, oh lets go look and see if we have any on display.
          I say, you have none on you have any in stock though.
          He says oh we might have one on display.
          I say no, you don’t..
          He walks over, looks at each model, comes back and says, no sorry we don’t have any on display.
          I repeated, but do you have any in stock
          he then asks how did i know they had none on display, to which i acridly replied: because SZ is a 13″ screen, those are all 17″..but don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll find one somewhere and walked out.

          The amount of right f*cking idiots that abound truly amaze me.
          I also think if you can’t be bothered to learn a wee bit about computers, or can’t figure out how to use “h-e-l-p”, then you should not be allowed to purchase a computer product.

          And to be frank, i did not want some spotty kid playing with MY Vaio BEFORE i did..i cracked the seal on the knows who its mommy is..we’ve bonded 🙂

        • #2588256
          Avatar photo

          Well in that case you would certainly have a problem with me as well

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Shelly I want customer like you NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :_|

          I never sell anything in an unopened Box [b]EVER![/b]

          While I sell or work with the best available I’ve been caught out way too many times to ever consider selling something unopened and untested.

          Everything that leaves here is not only open and tested it’s fully guaranteed to work but that only came about because several years ago I had to drive down 150 KMS to replace a Serial Mouse which cost me about $5.00 and it didn’t work out of the box. Granted under normal circumstances I would have had several of these mice with me but this was a rush job close to the end of the Financial Year and the suppliers had run out of these mice I got the last one and it proved to be the most expensive mouse that I’ve ever bought.

          Or as the QLD Manager of Bernina did to me he pulled a new 1130 out a box to demonstrate and all the LED’s on the front panel flashed in a lovely Christmas Tree Fashion but the Sewing Machine refused to work. Things like that don’t look good to a customer who wants the best available so I always test everything before it leaves the front door. You would be surprised at the amount of the better stuff that is faulty when supplied new. It also gets replaced immediately if returned in the first 24 Hours and is given rush treatment if returned in the first week since supply. For the little effort involved and the service that I offer I consider this a better alternative than the shops who are only interested in moving product.

          I like the customers to return but then again maybe I’ll change my mind on that after the last NB. Actually no as that was a favor to a company and not a company computer but a domestic computer which I usually have nothing to do with. 😀

          Col ]:)

    • #2586867

      Poor thing. I hope MY Mother doesn’t have to hear something like this.

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      Had to delete. I did NOT see Mr. Parisi’s requirements. Apologies all around.

    • #2590114

      The scary part about Psychiatry/Psychology

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      Personally speaking:

      1. Going to talk to a “shrink” (sorry Doc) because you think you might be crazy and having him tell you that you’re not crazy and that there is plenty in “the literature” that supports your claims, tests and beliefs.

      2. Going to another Psychiatrist because you didn’t like what the first one said and having him tell you essentially the same thing.

      3. Researching “the literature” yourself and discovering that they were both right.

    • #2590056

      Some Insights and a Little Bit of Nonsense. :^0

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      Insights and Nonsense

      Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the
      head like this before.

      A day without sunshine is like night.

      There is a CD out entitled “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane”. If you
      buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back
      and demand a refund?

      College is a fountain of knowledge… and the students are there to

      A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

      6. ON YOUTH
      Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true.
      I have the heart of a young boy — in a jar on my desk.
      — Stephen King, 3/8/90

      When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to
      resemble a nail. — Abraham Maslow

      He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

      Photons have mass? I didn’t know they were Catholic!

      9. ON INFINITY
      If you had everything, where would you keep it?

      10. ON ECONOMICS
      The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

      I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
      has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. —
      English Professor, Ohio University

      What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

      13. ON DATING
      When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional
      division by zero.

      14. ON POETIC LOVE
      When you’re swimmin’ in the creek
      And an eel bites your cheek
      That’s a moray!
      — Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

      15. ON MODERNISM
      Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
      A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with
      brightly colored machine tools.

      Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

      Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

      This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown
      with great force.
      — Dorothy Parker

      19. ON HUMILITY
      To err is human, to moo bovine.

      One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
      lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C
      programs. — Robert Firth

      21. ON PROPHECY
      The meek shall inherit the earth — they are too weak to refuse.

      22. ON EXCUSES
      I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do. — Joe Walsh

      23. ON NUMBERS
      Grabel’s Law: 2 is not equal to 3 — not even for very large values of

      Diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggy” until you can find a rock.

      There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We
      don’t believe this to be a coincidence.

    • #2590000

      WOMEN’S [i]”ASS”[/i] SIZE STUDY

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’


      There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting.

      85% of women think their ass is too big.

      10% of women think their ass is too little.

      The other 5% say that it doesn’t matter, they love him and would have married him anyway.

      • #2589942

        I don’t get it

        by ontheropes ·

        In reply to WOMEN’S [i]”ASS”[/i] SIZE STUDY

        . :^0 :^0 :^0

        I’m thankful my wife is a 5%’er. B-)

        • #2588517

          That’s What You Think!!!

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to I don’t get it

          and what she WANTS you to believe. :^0

        • #2588464

          You’ve lost some credibility with me…

          by ontheropes ·

          In reply to That’s What You Think!!!

          …as it looks like you claim to know the mind of a woman, my woman in particular.

          Uh uh.

          My woman is actually closer to being a one or two percenter than a five percenter. That much I DO know about her. She can make me look like a bleeping idiot whenever the mood strikes her but admittedly it’s not that difficult, especially lately. :_|
          The rest that I know about her is STILL mysterious and I’ve known her a little bit longer than you have.

          If you can tell me what she’s thinking I’m thinking that I could pay you a small weekly stipend when I get back to work. You’ll save me from having to create a lot of spur of the moment excuses. We could also put on a weekly show in Vegas because no one would believe that a man knows what a woman is thinking until they actually saw it with their own eyes. 🙂

      • #2588445


        by nicknielsen ·

        In reply to WOMEN’S [i]”ASS”[/i] SIZE STUDY

        Let no one else’s work evade your eyes.
        Just plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize!
        – Tom Lehrer

        But you’ve got a great source! 😀

    • #2588452

      Hung Over Man Wonders What Wife is Doing???????

      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      Hung Over Man Wonders What Wife is Doing???????

      A man gets up hung over one morning to find his wife in the kitchen at the stove. He looks to see what she’s cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.

      “What are you doing?” he asks.

      “I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed so very drunk,” she replied.

      Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, “I don’t remember asking her to cook my sock…”

    • #2588381


      by sleepin’dawg ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’


      2. O. J. SIMPSON

      3. TED KENNEDY


      [b][i]WHY, YOU ASK?[/b][/i]

      [i]Scroll down[/i]


      2. O. J. IS A SLICER



      [b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

    • #2589246

      How much would your body be worth….

      by steffi28 ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

      if your family sold it to medical science??

      Ok I cant get the html addition to work so I’ll just tell you mine is worth $4240.00!!

      • #2587480


        by w2ktechman ·

        In reply to How much would your body be worth….

        wow, that smoking makes it worth much less…

        • #2587479

          I smoke too

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to $2915

          I think it could be the age thing that makes me worth 1.5k more than you :p

          just done it with hubby and hes worth 3.5k and we had exactly the same answers only he doesnt drink and is 12 years older than me

        • #2587435

          Makes sense…

          by captbilly1eye ·

          In reply to I smoke too

          Women are always worth more than men.
          Well, according to my wife, anyway.

          Oh, and the corner pimp, too.

        • #2587317

          Of course!

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to Makes sense…

          I never thought of that, it will simply be the sex issue, of course women are worth more, dead or alive 😉

        • #2587200
          Avatar photo

          Wo-To-Men are certainly worth more dead

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to Of course!

          Only time you have a chance of seeing them shut up! :p

          Not sure about being worth more alive though unless you are planing on selling them into Slavery in the sex industry. Then there are certainly worth more as well I’ll leave that one alone as I’m not quite ready to trample the Impure Brigade into the ground just yet. :^0

          Col ]:)

      • #2587441

        That was fun, thanks. …mine’s worth $3350

        by captbilly1eye ·

        In reply to How much would your body be worth….

        My wife’s right… I [b]AM[/b] worth more dead than alive.

        [She’d probably get it all in singles so she could roll in it] 🙁

      • #2587350
        Avatar photo

        And if you were not a Blonde how much while still alive? :^0

        by hal 9000 ·

        In reply to How much would your body be worth….

        Actually in my case I would have said Tuppence Hapeny on a good day but apparently they want to pay me $4890.00 well the family anyway but personally I think that is the bill to remove and dispose of the body. :0

        Why is a body worth more dead than alive? From my experience on Middle Eastern E Bay I’ve found it to be the other way around except for Steffi who keeps getting returned for a refund. 🙁

        OH I forgot 5 to go Steffi so start to hide now! :p


        • #2587318

          5 To Go??

          by steffi28 ·

          In reply to And if you were not a Blonde how much while still alive? :^0

          5 what? days, weeks, hours?? A girl needs to be prepared c’mon Col I need more information

        • #2587202
          Avatar photo

          5 Thumbs as if you didn’t know. :D

          by hal 9000 ·

          In reply to 5 To Go??

          As for a time frame that depends on just how many new members of TR rate their questions. :p

          Could be a few minutes of weeks. 😡

          Col ]:)

        • #2596464

          When the BEAST arrives,

          by w2ktechman ·

          In reply to 5 To Go??

          Hal has plans to rid the world of the impure. Or at least TR.
          5 to go.

      • #2587215

        $4965 :^0

        by dadspad ·

        In reply to How much would your body be worth….

        Don’t tell my wife! 😀

      • #2587197

        Woohoo! Something to look forward to.

        by ontheropes ·

        In reply to How much would your body be worth….

        “Congratulations, your dead body is worth $4850!” Now I just have to figure out how to collect that. Hmmm…

    • #2587241

      Time sensitive? Just look, don’t write.

      by ontheropes ·

      In reply to It’s now 2 minutes into Friday here. It’s [b][i][u]YUK TIME’

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