Jumping the gun on [i]Friday Yuk[/i] if only to surprise the Aussies

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.
Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. there's too much front end protrusion 2. it chatters at high speeds 3. the rear end wobbles too much, and 4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

-------------------------------------------

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."

"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.

--------------------------------------------

One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"

"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.

"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.

"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.

Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".

The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"

Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."

--------------------------------------------
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period" reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

---------------------------------------------

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase
the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to
take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns
came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical
exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then
concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I
can help you.

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery
store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home,
take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes
across the floor until you make a bullseye in your wife's
love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to
her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only
your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from
across the room, toss them at your husband until you
make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness,
you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more
and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs.
Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor
greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case
unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted
the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help
you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex
life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.

"The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped
our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home
from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some
apples and a box of cheerios..."

---------------------------------------------

One day a young woman went to see her doctor who had
to share the news with her that she was indeed pregnant.

The doctor then says to the 16 year old, "Young lady
do you have any idea who the father of your child might
be?"

The young woman replies, "Doctor its like this.... if
you eat a can of beans, do you know which one made you
fart?"

---------------------------------------------

A married couple is about to have sex for the first time on their wedding night. They start to undress, and the husband removes his shoes. The wife notices something frightful about his feet. "Oh my goodness!
What happened to your toes?" she claimed. "I have tolio," he said. "You mean polio?" she asked. "Well, it's kind of like polio except it only affects your toes." The husband then removes his pants. "Oh my gosh!" the wife exclaimed again. "What happened to your knees?" "I have kneesles. It's kind of like measles except it only affects your knees." The husband finally takes off his underwear. The wife says, "Wait, let me guess, smallcox."

C'mon I've been here a whole 15 minutes where are you guys??

I'm gonna continue to post until someone else comes along!

A man was at his wealthy friends house when his friend
asked him to go upstairs and get his slippers. The
man agreed, and proceeded upstairs where he saw his
friends two gorgeous 18 and 19 year old daughters having
a pillow fight. The man told the two girls that their
father had sent him upstairs to have sex with them.
The girls replied that their father would never say
such a thing. The man assured them that it was true,
and to prove it he yelled down to their father "Both
of Them?"

---------------------------------------------

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

---------------------------------------------

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None - Bill Gates just declares darkness the new standard!

---------------------------------------------

The real name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is know as Bill Gates III. By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his III, you get the following:

B=66 I=73 L=76 L=76 G=71 A=65 T=84 E=69 S=83 I=1 I=1 I=1

Total = 666

---------------------------------------------

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!"

Why did the blonde cross the road?

Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?

#############################################

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"

"You'll see", he replies.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.

"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."

His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! It's a fuck!ng @sshole!"

#############################################

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you?re the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife?s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith?s wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

#############################################

Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-
spot?

A: A man will spend 30 minutes looking for a golf ball!

#############################################

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town."
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.

Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..."

Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home, Dad - you're drunk!"

An enterprising mayor of the city of Granby, Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise to many unusual events.

Last September one of the star attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape, escaped to the dismay of the zoo director. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them.

The zoo director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the secretary to the mayor asked, "Have you looked in the yellow pages"? The director said he hadn't, but would, immediately.

To his surprise, under "animal capturing service" he found a listing for the Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately.

Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo and a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door.

"Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?", the little man asked. The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. "Hop in the truck", the little man said. The director did and they drove off.

Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and immediately spotted Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the ground.

The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and the little man opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles.

The little man reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a baseball bat.

"Now," the little man said, "I'm going up into the tree with the baseball bat, and I'm going to knock the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you snap the handcuffs on and we've got him.

The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said "I'm not too sure about this -- what's the gun for?"

The little man said, "Look, I'm an expert. I know what I'm doing and things will go just fine, after all, I have the baseball bat. I know my job and it'll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A general and his paratrooper son are sitting at home having a couple of beers.

"So, son,tell me about your first jump," says the general.

"Well, by the time the plane got over the jump site," says the son, "I was really scared. When it was my turn to jump, I got to the door and I just couldn't do it."

"What happened then?" asks the general.

"Well," says the son. "The sergeant came up behind me, pulled out his d!ck and said 'If you don't jump, I'll stick this up your @rse.'."

"So you jumped?" says the general.

"A little," says the son. "But only at first."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A general and his paratrooper son are sitting at home having a couple of beers.

"So, son,tell me about your first jump," says the general.

"Well, by the time the plane got over the jump site," says the son, "I was really scared. When it was my turn to jump, I got to the door and I just couldn't do it."

"What happened then?" asks the general.

"Well," says the son. "The sergeant came up behind me, pulled out his dick and said 'If you don't jump, I'll stick this up your arse.'."

"So you jumped?" says the general.

"A little," says the son. "But only at first."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

God decides it's time he has a vacation. So he asks
St. Peter for his assistance. St. Peter says, "Why
don't you go to Mercury?" "Oh no!" says God, "I went
there 25,000 years ago and got the worst sunburn of
my life." St. Peter says, "How about Pluto?" "Oh no!"
says God, "I went there 10,000 years ago, broke my leg
skiing." St. Peter says, " How about earth?" "Oh no!"
says God, "I went there 2,000 years ago knocked up some
Jewish chick and I've been hearing about it ever since".

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" - or what we know today as the "honeymoon".

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".

Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.

So you see we owe it to our ancestors and all future generations to carry on drinking :D

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force
One.

George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$100 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out
of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out
of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
"Such big-shots back there.
I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very
happy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.

The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irishman, an Englishman, a Polish man, 2 lesbians, 4 lawyers, 5 politicians, Santa Clause, a blonde, an Australian and a Chihuahua walk into a bar, and the bartender says: "What is this? Some kind of joke?!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is.

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.

The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a p!ss yesterday, I came three times."

?????????????????????????????????????????????

Q: Why don't women fart?

A: They don't get an @ssh0le until they get married.

?????????????????????????????????????????????

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, it's because you're 25."

?????????????????????????????????????????????

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"

"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

"Oh, no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

?????????????????????????????????????????????

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then says to the bar tender, "I'll bet you one-hundred bucks that I can pee in this cup from straight across the room." The bar tender says, "You're on." The guy then buys two more drinks, and puts his money on the table. The guy then goes across the room and pees all over the place not once getting it in the cup. The bar tender takes the money and smiles. The guy smiles back at him. The bar tender asks, "Why are you smiling? You just lost one-hundred bucks." The guy then says, "I bet everyone else in the bar one-thousand dollars that I could pee all over the place and make you smile!"

not a joke..but thought i'd post this as steff posted hers :)

When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer Programmers

DOCTORS
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients who is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this.

This is not a problem with your programmer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.

LAWYER
Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying?

Once again, this is not a problem with your programmer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

SALESMAN
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc, where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show.

The company that your programmer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc, just about the time you are at your sexual peak.

The only hazards that your programmer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp. And when you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?" he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.

TEACHER
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Q: DO I HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO HAVE SAFE FAX?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q: MY PARENTS SAY THEY NEVER HAD FAX WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND WERE ONLY ALLOWED TO WRITE MEMOS TO EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY WERE TWENTYONE. HOW OLD DO YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULD BE BEFORE THEY CAN FAX?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure.

Q: IF I FAX MYSELF, WILL I GO BLIND?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q: THERE IS A PLACE ON OUR STREET WHERE YOU CAN GO AND PAY FOR FAX. IS THIS LEGAL?
A: Yes. many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and Must pay a "professional" when their needs to fax become too great.

Q: SHOULD A COVER ALWAYS BE USED FOR FAXING?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you're faxing, a cover sheet should be used to insure safe fax.

Q: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I INCORRECTLY DO THE PROCEDURE AND I FAX PREMATURELY?
A: Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start Over; Most people won't mind if you try again.

Q: I HAVE A PERSONAL AND BUSINESS FAX. CAN TRANSMISSIONS BECOME MIXED UP?
A: Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything You're not supposed to.

ok..a few years old..but funny non the less..not for the Pure bunch though :)

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

After the doctor stops laughing he says, " Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress and as her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks:

"What the hell was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

---------------------------------------------

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a near by town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.

"What did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.

"Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback..."

------------------------------------------

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

---------------------------------------------

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your pen!s is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Enjoy!

GG

]:)

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

************************************

Feel free to substitute TR for CL...

http://tinyurl.com/yscsnm

Esther is in a bad way and goes to see her doctor.

"Doctor Myers, what's wrong with me? Just look at the state of my face. When I woke up this morning, I glanced in the mirror and nearly fainted at what I saw. My hair has gone gray and wiry and is starting to
fall out, my lovely skin has become pasty looking and horribly wrinkled and both my eyes are bloodshot and bulging from their sockets. I look like someone who has just died. What on earth is wrong with me?"

Doctor Myers gives Esther a quick examination, looks her in the eyes and says to her,
"Well, I can say one thing I've discovered, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight!"

[pre]A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to every one's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass,
pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[/pre]

A man walks into a pet store and asks the owner if he can buy a "C-monkey"

The owner takes the man over to a cage where there is a monkey typing on a computer and says "This is our C-monkey, he can give you 500 error free lines of code a day. He's $1000.

The guy decides to look around. He comes to another cage with a price of $5000, and asks the owner "Gee, for $5000, what can this one do?

The owner replies "That's our C++ monkey, he can give you 1000 lines of error-free code in either C or C++".

The guy is really impressed, but decides he wants to look around a bit more.

He finds a cage with a pricetag of $50000, and says to the owner "WOW! for $50000, what can this one do?"

The owner relies "WELL.... we haven't actually seen him DO anything, but he says he's a consultant"

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''

The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.''

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....'''

not to be outdone by Steff and Shell.
...sword's fer cuttin' conversations short & limes.

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counselled the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.
She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit."

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building.
He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!"
So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real @ssh0le when you're drunk."

A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz."
So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do.
The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great - NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy.
The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!"
and the buddy says, "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover?"
"No -that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane.

He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"

She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."

He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"

She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait.

"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you and I don't even know your name."

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."

don't even try that, I already have the screen shots saved as evidence!

[i]"You can't expect me to keep this up all day!!"[/i]

I think the evidence speaks for it's self... :p

have a great weekend luv! :x

Now it should be a simple matter to round them all up and sell them off into servitude to improve the place here and do away with all the impurity. :p

You lot make it so easy to track down that's it's not funny I've spent most of the week [b]Working[/b] hard and on the second time that I look at TR I find every one of the bad crown gathered together making my life so much simpler. :^0

But as I'm very busy at the moment you'll have to settle for me taking a list of your names and I'll get around to selling you lot into White Slavery in the Middle East after the end of this Financial Year as everyone wants top spend their money on new computers now and are not interested in buying any Impure ones at the moment. :^0

Col ]:)

California History Lesson circa 1850

Do you know what happened back in 1850, in California?
...California became a State.

Back then, the State had no electricity. The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.

Basically, it was just like California today, except that the women
had real titts, and the men didn't hold hands.

Belching Bovines Are Bad for the Environment: How to Clear the Air
Amy Cortese 05.22.07 | 2:00 AM

5 Ways to Cope With a Gassy Cow

1. New Bacteria
Large kangaroos eat like cows but produce less methane. The Queensland Department of Primary Industries and Fisheries in Australia posits that bacteria in

marsupials' intestines are key, so giving the organisms to bovines may cut methane production.

2. Gas Capture
California inventor Markus Herrema proposes a special pouch to be worn over a cow's mouth. The bag captures exhaled methane, then microbes inside consume the

gasses, growing into a biomass that can be used as a cleaner source of energy.

3. Supplements
Like Beano for bovines, feed additives (such as vegetable oils and fumaric acid) have been shown to cut cows' methane production up to 20 percent. Chlorinated

hydrocarbons could inhibit methane. Downside: They're expensive and can cause cancer.

4. Vaccination
Drugs are being developed to eliminate the methane-producing bacteria inside a cow's gut. Australia's Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research

Organization and New Zealand's AgResearch are among those working on a burp vaccine.

5. Taxes
If you can beat 'em, maybe you can tax 'em. In New Zealand, a proposed methane tax was defeated after farmers protested. A more politically palatable solution is

proposed in Canada, where ranchers can qualify for carbon credits.

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."

Adjusted World History - As it "really - - really" happened

Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in
winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct
subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can
were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting
around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to
the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what
is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to
live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and
doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning
of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually
evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept
of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but
like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women
have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical
doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines,
and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why
most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and
created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative
will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this
history that it will be forwarded immediately to other "true
believers."

This is our "factual" story and we are sticking to it - - - - -

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about TequilaR.

TequilaR is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions.

TequilaR can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will
notice the benefits of TequilaR almost immediately, and with a regimen
of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from
living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a
thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you
had. Stop hiding and start living, with TequilaR.

TequilaR may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursingshould not use TequilaR. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing
or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include
dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of
motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,
and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

New liquor warning labels: Be sure to read them all!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse

with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass
kicked.

I saw this and I had to share it, even if it was just so GG could have a giggle at how clever her home town's council are :p

http://blog.maniac.nl/~maniac/blog/images/heavyfine.jpg

It seems that life goes by resembling somewhat of a bell curve of what is considered successful...

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

Some of the Brits may of already seen this.

Well after watching it I have just filled up, what an amazing kid!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWNoiVrJDsE

Speeling is a purposeful mistake when your talking about making a spelling mistake. In fact I use speeling more often than spelling now that sometimes I use speeling by accident!

Anyways there you go :) And what is it may I ask that you are planning on putting in my mouth?

I don't have time to search the thread for the particular post right now, but the punch line that the python doesn't give a thit was hilarious. Thank you VERY MUCH! I read that Saturday and just remembered that joke for no reason I can see, and I have been giggling intermittently for the past 5 minutes. Like a song stuck in my head, I think this is likely to last all day!

X-(

What my mother taught me?

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done:
?If you?re going to kill each other, do it outside ? I?ve just finished cleaning!?

My mother taught me religion:
?You?d better pray that stain will come out of the carpet.?

My mother taught me about time travel:
?If you don?t straighten up, I?m going to knock you right into the middle of next week!?

My mother taught me logic:
?Because I said so, that?s why.?

My mother taught me foresight:
?Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you?re in an accident.?

My mother taught me irony:
?Keep laughing and I?ll give you something to cry about.?

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis:
?Shut your mouth and eat your supper!?

My mother taught me about contortionism:
?Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!?

My mother taught me about stamina:
?You?ll sit there until all that spinach is finished.?

My mother taught me about weather:
?It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.?

My mother taught me how to solve physics problems:
?If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming towards you, would you listen to me then??

My mother taught me about hypocrisy:
?If I?ve told you once, I?ve told you a million times: don?t exaggerate!!?

My mother taught me the circle of life:
?I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.?

My mother taught me about behaviour modification:
?Stop acting like your father!?

My mother taught me about envy:
?There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don?t have wonderful parents like you do!?

>

Had to delete. I did NOT see Mr. Parisi's requirements. Apologies all around.

---------------------

For a couple of friends of mine:

And one last one for today: http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s169/sharewhat/sciencevsfaith.png

and show them what singing talent really is!!

:) :D :^0

the silence. ;) :^0

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

"Romantic" Poems

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.(This one is probably from JD)

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty, and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.

If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.

This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace,

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you really screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "Oh! Go To Hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

I'm always silent!

And believe me there are much better things than the silence dear, you just obviously havent recieved it from someone good enough yet ;)

Edited to add, since going blonde I have realised something, I'm not blonde! The dye didnt work properly and im kinda well as either mae or tig put it "a bushfire blonde" so apparently I am now Col's worst nightmare :D

I was complaining because something was stopping me from going deeper, and it wasn't actually my fault that I couldnt get deeper!

And secondly yup ;)

are you strapping something on and it is not penetrating enough? :0

Ok, Ok, that was a bit rude! :x

I got your point, just needed to mess with ya a bit. I actually have a few minutes free today (ignoring the piling work right now). Actually I am backed up into next week already, and have to do netmeetings with someone in Singapore on Friday Night while staying late :(, and offsite. Then Monday morning, offsite again and rush back in afterwards :( during heavy traffic even :(

Sometimes it's great being the one that everybody goes to. And sometimes it is a real pain...

But it would be too rude for me to say!!! :0

electricity thing?? Hmm, that wouldnt be the 14 incher thing would it?? :0

or a 12 incher salami?? :0

ok, I need to dry off, the gutter water is rising a bit AND IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT (and Steffi's)!!!

There are much worse things around something like a Bush Fire Blonde who is also a School Teacher is a bad combination and that is my mother. :^0

So I doubt that there is anything that you could do to scare me or become my worst Nightmare unless you where to become one of my clients using M$ Products. They drive me insane. :D

Like one guy who I delivered a NB to last week he claimed that he couldn't use Word and I provided the same version of M$ Office as he was running. Apparently because it was in the Default Setup it wasn't the same program and what made things even worse is that he was unable to find word in the Start Menu. :(

I'm buggered if I know how someone can use something for 4 years and still not know how to open it. :0

Col ]:)

[i]oh... and... I don't 'whine.' I may 'bitch.' But I never 'whine.' I do like wine, though.[/i]

If you start to whine & I forget that you want your 'whining' to be called 'bitching', will you whine about it?

[hint: This is a 'Yes' or 'No' question!]

Blame Jay for not incorporating a Spool Checker and Crammer Checker into TR. :p

It's all his fault and I'm sticking to that story for as long as possible. :^0

Col ]:)