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Lookin for idiots.

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by lordinfidel

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After a couple of years in the IT buis, you start to hear strange and idiotic comments from a plethera of people.

Some comments have made me laugh. Others have pissed me off. While, others have just made me cry and weep in utter dis-belief.

Iwas hoping for this holiday season, if all of you would like to share some of your idiotic statement stories.

For me, I think one of my all time favorites was from a stranger who asked me what I do for a living. After I tried to painstakingly explain to this gentleman my job, after all sometimes I have problems explaining it to myself, he then proceeded to state.

In a drop dead serious statement as if this was the 8th wonder of the world;

"So, you have the internet?"

I was not surehow to react to that statement, Although in my head my reply went something like this:

Yes sir, I do. It's all mine, I own it and I'm not giving it up.

I would of have felt too bad for being mean. It must have been the day that the little ray of light decided to show it's head from the black pit that I call my soul.

137 replies

by cul8rm8e

then maybe i can have a contact number for one of my recent customers who has been trying for some time for an answer to his what he thought a very serious question,(can you tell me who the best person in your office would be to speak to about the internet, i see that you have advertised that all your pc`s are internet ready but i would like to just buy the pc on its own as im sure with all the contacts i have i would be able to buy my own internet a bit cheaper ( I NEARLY HAD HEART ATTACK):) trying VERY hard i explained in simple detail that the advert for internet pc`s really meant that when you buy a pc you can connect to any isp of your choice, baring in mind that there may be a charge for their services, as the hardware needed for internet use was already preinstalled and (internet ready)he looked at me a bit bemused and said , I thought all i had to do was buy a pc, buy an internet and thats me up and running but what the hell is it going to cost me for an isp and where do you connect it to? well what would you do in this sitution? your so wright, i asked the manager to have a word! what happened? he bought a laptop and was never seen again. (just wonder sinse this has been a few months now,does this guy ever think about the time he wanted to buy an internet? if your out there mate get in touch.

cul8rm8 god bless! :)

by roz.clarke

A certain PC manufacturer which is advertising machines in the UK at the moment which will provide 'faster internet'.

Thought about buying one just so I could lodge a complaint when the internet doesn't go any faster... lol

by nicknielsen

AOL is your fault?

It could be worse...you could have sold the car to AOL.

Can you imagine?

"Welcome to your car!"

by juridian

Three idiotic statements I remember are.....

Dev - "How do you serve those web pages from your box?"
Me - "Using IIS"
Dev - "Really? What's that?"

This dev was supposedly an NT Web developer at the time.....

Also:
"So how do we use SSL?" - from my team of 13 e-commerce web developers when I was a tester

And Finally:
(supposed) Test Lead - "I can't get things to display right on my computer."
Me - "Did you install the drivers for your video card?"
(supposed) Test Lead - "What's a driver?"

by mikiesoft

When I worked for GTE Internet (back in the old days) I actually had a customer ask me how to save the internet to a floppy disk!
I had to mute my headset (hysterical laughter!)

by sheilau

I work for a help desk, and have been doing so for nearly 12 years. Over the years, I have had many, many calls that made me want to drop over in shock, but my all time favorite was one of my customers switching from a modem connection to a cable -he asked me if he should buy an extra cable now or wait. Innocent me asks "wait for what, sir?" "Well, we're going to be transmitting data at least three times a day, and that's sure to wear out the cable". I quite honestly was so shocked, I didn't know what to say at first. I then asked if I could speak to his CIO, to which he replied - "that's me". Once I recovered, I recommended that he buy two extra cables, "just in case". I felt a little guilty, but anyone that clueless deserves to get shafted a little.

by lordinfidel

I would of have spewed off something like.

Actually sir, you are going to need a whole case if you are planning to transfer data that many times a day.

The cables are good for one data transfer only. After that they are unreliable and probably won't work.

You will need to replace it after every use.

BoFh <=> /.

by sheilau

But how could I?? I feel somewhat like my job is to protect the innocent and the clueless from the big, bad PC/MAC world!! Making him buy two extra was bad enough :) Now I'm in an environment where I get to talk to people of that intellectual caliber DAILY, if not more often, so by the end of my career, I'll have a bookful of "idiot" stories. You have to love the help desk! One of my last callers wanted to know what she could purchase to protect her television from viruses - she was using WebTV, and it was a brand new television. We're still giggling about that one!

by n-line computers

Your not evil enough. You could have made a killing by offering him a cable replacement service. Referb cables cheap. Sell him two cables and make a killing mailing him his old now referbed cable back.

by gregz

Try to explaining to a customer when they call in asking about cellular service, and you explain the difference between home coverage area and roaming area, and you get yelled at because they think that you are talking about their home telephone service when telling them the difference.

by mogliak

From a broadcast message to all users:
Me: The Email server will be down this weekend, Email will not be available until Monday morning.
User: What about my AOL account at home.
Me: What about it?
User: Will AOL Email be down too ?

by radiic

Back in the old days when i was just a lowlife foxpro programmer, I used to have to run some of the higher end support for the company i was working for. We had a customer where there was 2 older ladies that ran the shop for this hotel. Lady 1 wasthe one that could barely use the computer and Lady 2 had no idea what the computer was. Well one day Lady 1 called in for a problem she was having, and the tech had to escalate the call to me, but the time I got to it, it was the next morning. Well we were using PC anywhere to support the customers (remember how bad 7.0 was) well like usual Pc anywhere locked up and I was going to have the pc rebooted so i could connect again.

Well you guessed it. Lady 1 was off that day. I was fairly confident that i could walk anyone through the process and I called and asked for Lady 2. I talked her into helping me and she asked what she should do first. I said first you need to grab the mouse and click on....eeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk a mouse she screamed into the phone and droped it.

I sat there and laughed so hard that i couldnt wipe the tears away fast enoungh.

I latter found out from Lady 1 that Lady 2 who had no clue about computers thought that since we could log onto the computer and work it that we could see what was going on there, and that I was trying to tell her to get away from a mouse. I started laughing even harder when she told me that.

Laughing while remembering that one...
Rad

by radiic

Turning me on to UT... About 3 months ago you had replied in a thread about it...So i promtly surfed to find out what it was...Now I am so hooked...

by rdschaefer

Never Underestimate the Power of Human Stupidity!

Years ago when I did desktop support, we had a manager who simply couldn't grasp the concept of shared folders on a server. He insisted that we develop a way to automatically copy files from his PC to his secretary's PC so she could spell/grammar check and print his stuff.

Ralph

by ebob

(A couple of many from a period of time I call: "The Dark Daze/Days")

We had a IT Director (a "director", no less!) who had his secretary print off all of his email so he could read it, because he didn't have time to read it on his computer! "Whydidn't he have time" you ask? He was constantly on his way to meeting to evangelize I.T., and bring the company to a "paperless" mode of working.

Huh?

He was also having trouble reading on his laptop screen. Remember the first generation LCDs on the old Compaq Elites? (Compaq - say no more!) Well, since the existing I.T. staff (myself included) obviously had no clue, he brought in a small army of consultants. The highest paid, and apparently brightest of this group, proceeded to "clean" the screen. (It seems this "director" had a fondness for the pastries while pointing at things on his screen.) The consultant strated to rub the screen VIGOROUSLY with a rough paper towel. Of course, he not only scratched the he** out of the plastic membrane protecting the screen, but by pushing so hard, he broke several elements inside the screen. And of course, since the consultant was paid so much more than the rest of us, it was obviously "our" fault that now the director's laptop was pretty much unusable (and oddly, not covered by warranty!).

There was dancing in the street when this dope and his army were escorted out the friggin' door!

by nicknielsen

That's what we did in essentially the same situation.

We created the shared folder and assigned it to both the AD for Finance and his secretary.

We told her it would be her I: drive.

We told him that as long as he used a certain procedure, the file would be saved on both computers. We then demonstrated the "Save As" procedure.

He never lost a file.

by workinonit!

Our company VP insisted on his secretary having access to his files. I just shared and put a shortcut on her desktop to his "My Docs" folder. He thinks I'm amazing.

by sheic

Recently I've developed a VB app & a Access DB for a small company. The app should record the clients, some numbers every month, make some simple calculation and print out a receipt. All that was done till then in their company using an Excel worksheet, but they had to reenter every client, every previous recorded figures, no DB.

So, at my first presentation we verified if the calculations are made right. I ran Excel and input some figures in their old worksheet to compare their results withthose outputed by my application.

Here comes the bright ideea: the manager, which was following my presentation, stated that we should print out that worksheet, so that we had the numbers on paper and we could close Excel and ran my app (the OS was Win95, but a monotasking version, of course :) ).
The client was quite impressed by his system when I told him that we could ran my app even if Excel was running.
Anyway, It's bad bussines practice to laugh on a "bright" idea, especially when "the man with plan" is my debtor, at least in his presence...

And then, of course, you can imagine the magical clipboard teleporting numbers form Excel to my app :)

Come to think about it know.. I could ask an extra 25%, considering the fact thatI brought multitasking on his system ;)

by mcarson

At my last job, we had a computer 'lab' where employees could come and use a computer whenever they needed to do word processing or web browsing, just about anything. Well, one day I saw a hand shoot way up in the air and someone yelling for help. Iwent over to have a look and they told me that they couldn't read they're floppy disk. They thought all of their data was gone..months of work and its all gone. Of course they were blaming the the computer...'it ate my disk!!' It was making the most horrible sound I've ever heard. I had a look at it and found the cause of the problem. These machines had both floppy drives and Zip drives built in. Can you guess what happend? The user had put the 3.5" floppy disk in the Zip drive. It was trying to access the floppy disk and was just gridding away. It was safe to say that the disk was pretty much toast. I had to pull it out with a small set of pliers. She was livid about the 'Computer that ate her diskette'. She lost her data and sent mysupervisor and 'friendly' note, but there because of our policy and the clearly visible signs and disclaimer about the use of the lab, we weren't held accountable.

Another day, we had an issue that the computer couldn't read a floppy disk. Sheactually called me in from another location in the building to have a look at this machine. Apparently, the computer was not reading the diskette she had put in the drive (she had the correct one). When I went to have a look, I noticed that the monitor was black. One thing popped into my mind. I looked over at the PC and there were no lights. I told her that if you want to access floppy disks, the PC needs to be turned ON..I walked away hoping that she wasn't gonna ask how to turn the computer on. Needless to say, I moved up in the world and I'm at a place where the users can't access the floppy drive.

by sjwalter

... the more I think we need a "Computer License". Like a driver's license, only this gives you the right to touch a computer. Pass a couple more tests and you get the "developer" or "technician" endorsements and you can actually program and install software.

Would make life more interesting, imaging walking into a BestBuy/CompUSA/Fries/etc.:

"I'd like to buy this computer."

"Excellent, sir ... may I see your license?"

"Of course. Here."

"Hmmm ... I'm sorry sir, but you don't have a license to purchase this machine. Step this way and I'll show you a nice coloring book..."

I know, I know ... but I can dream, can't I?

by lordinfidel

I was rummaging thru my mailbox this morning cleaning house. And found an e-mail that brought amazement to my black pit of a soul.

Enough so that I decided to stuff it away in one of my archive folders.

I decided to ressurect it and share it with you. It is a little long, I apologize. But I did'nt write it so don't bitch at me.

This was an actual e-mail that came to one of our employees via one of our websites.

Things that make you go hmmm.

Enjoy.

by lordinfidel

Hello how is it going? My name is ***** *****, I am 29 years old and very
sain, and to the point. I have 8 - 10 movies going on in my head, and have
been working on them for the past 5 to 20 years and I'm working on them
every day in my head. It is my time to shine and I need some help. This is
my dream and has always been forever. I have got all my ideas together now.
So I went off to chase it. In doing so I did loose all and never have I
been happier. Now im back on my feet and doing OK. Here is some of what
I've gone through in the past 7 weeks, just because I believe

by lordinfidel

The past 7 weeks of my life have been just crazy. It all started when I
became depressed because I could not get ahead of the game enough to be
able to help the one I love more than anything in life. We started fighting
around that time over how I live. See I moved to Ottawa 12 Years ago and
since then I've been living in peoples basements and rooming in houses just
to keep up with my debt. 1 year ago I met the most beautiful person in the
world inside and out. In the second month Itold her everything about my
life and there is some pretty intense stuff. She looked at me and said "my
opinion of you has not changed." I love her dearly and there is nothing I
can do for when it started to go bad. I decided to follow my heart for once
in my life. We were arguing one day 7 weeks ago over the same thing I've
heard from her for the previous two months. I know that she wanted
out now for awhile and things were good. We both have the same dream yet
I'm willingto get crazy and chase my dreams and she just willing to stay
in that job she really doesn't like.

by lordinfidel

I have 10 different movies going on in my head and they get better as the
years go by. some I've been working on for the past 20 years and some only
for 5. About three years ago I went to Toronto with no money and tried it
then. It did not work and I had to come home. Started over again. Then when
I got back on my feet I met this lovely woman and totally was just amazed
by this person. She I my life and I don't want to let go. I know one day I
will have to yet I still don't want to be a failure. I will do something
great in this world yet weather it be movies or my book. See I left to go
to Toronto two weeks after we had the break up. The day I left I called my
sister and she had told me that MY NIECE was sexually molested. That's all
I could think about on the way there for you try so hard not to let these
things happen to your children and it does anyway, in your own home while
you are sleeping. So on the way to Toronto I started to write all my
thoughts down. I got there, found the people I was looking for and had
three jobs lined up. All I had to do Is show up.

by lordinfidel

Well I wrote and wrote. The more I wrote the more I found I had to say. The
second day there I sat in the back seat of my car and wrote for 14 hours
solid. I figured this is not a coincidence, I'm not big on school, reading,
or writing, yet I'm about to write a book. A lot of my life is in there.

I said to myself "why should I be away from the one I love doing this when
I can be sitting right beside her." We did kind of get back together for a
bit. She was totally behind me as well. I came back to Ottawa and kept on
writing. Left the realm of producing to write a book. It seems I always
fall short and I have to stop doing that. From here I decided that I must
go get my parents story and I will finish the book where they live, in Nova
Scotia. She was still behind me. Took my computer down and my book and had
very good intentions of finishing it there until I had thoughts of my
unborn children with my soon to be wife. I did not want our children being
pick on growing up in school for things I have done and had done to me,
before they were even born. So I came up with yet another plan. I thought
that I would go see Oprah and I did. I went back to Ottawa And let my
lovely in on what I was about to do and she yes was still behind me but
loosing faith. I was not going crazy I was just driven, and driven by
something I really could not explain.

by lordinfidel

Oprah's people knew me as Persistance and they also knew I was going to
make a trip from Chicago to see them. I now guess they thought I was just
another crazy calling them from Nova Scotia. when I got to Chicago I went
to her building and gotthe COLD SHOULDER. Then I knew that I was NOT going
to get the help I was looking for. I'm not after money, I just need a
meeting with four very important people in the acting world and for the
person who can help me fulfill that part of my life I will give then A
great idea for a movie based on a real life scenario for it based on High
School shootings. I'm must apologize for my lack of proper grammer. They
even went as far as to call the cops when I sat outside. So knowing that i
was not going to get the help I deserve. I had to come home. But there is a
twist I did not exchange any money before crossing the border, opps. it
took me three hours to find a place that would take my money. I even went
to a bank and they would not do so. When I found the place that would it
took me all of 10 minute to have it exchanged and get back to the car. only
to find out that it was on the tow truck.

The driver would not give me a break and I did not have the money to get it
back that day. So I had to hike home Back to Ottawa. That was the thanx I
got for driving to see someone who put out that she helps people. A week
later I hike back down to get my car for I was going to go bankrupt until a
friend of mine showed me how dishonest that was.

by lordinfidel

Things got really hairy in the week I was home between my lovely and I and
I totally scared her away with all the things I have said and done. She is
gone now after a year of bliss. I'm now back on track and looking for some
help. I double dare any one that is in a position to help me get a meeting
with the important four people. Just give me one hour of your time. I will
not waste it and yet will be glad you met me. Oprah's people would not
believe please don't you too. But if helpdoes never come I'll just keep
working at my book.

You can reach me at (***) ***-**** or
persist_stance@******.net

Sincerely

***** *****

by _ladyhawk_2

Well Lord...maybe you've got a gold mine in your email box that you shouldn't overlook. Ok...the guy/girl is a nutcase...but look at the way movies are going these days...you could take all the juice in this twisted little post and make a million ortwo if you turn it into one of those bizzard movies that bend the mind and make people go Huh?
LOL...just kidding....but he/she did have a problem keeping the topics straight for sure...lmfo

by rdschaefer

What kind of web site would elicit an email like that??????
I don't want to know that actual name, just the target audience.

Ralph

by ebob

Oh my.

What sort of looney was that? Hopefully he/she/it will surrender to the proper authorities ASAP. I'm sure some nice medication and a lobotomy will go a long, long way to helping. On 2nd thought, maybe the last lobotomy was botched. Yeah, that'd explain a lot. Heh-heh (nervously).

by lordinfidel

This e-mail came from way out in left field..

Granted we have several sites. (www.vdat.com) We are (what I percieve, take into account I am not in marketing or the official spokesman for our company) an Internet Broadcasting Production Company or Full Service Multimedia Company, which ever you prefer.

The e-mail came into the account of an ex-employee who use to run one of our talent oriented websites. But I have no idea how this guy ever got this employees name or address for that matter.

I have some other real doosies that come into our webmaster accounts. Some actually blame us for their internet connection woes. I am still trying to find them so I can post them. They are misplaced in my archives. But they are real winners.

by jimhm

Many Moon's ago - when Spreadsheets where just coming into Voge - we created a spreadsheet for our accounting department to save them time and retire those monster calculators with the paper tape.

The VP of accounting - calls the one day and starts complaining that the numbers on the spreadsheet are incorrect. So figuring that we missed something in one of the summaries - we start checking - no errors found.

We asked the VP how he found the error.. here's the answer.

I have the accounts do all by hand as they have done in the past - and then from the paper they enter it into the spreadsheets. The totals for account XYZ - don't match what they have on paper. We asked if he had the numbers paper double checked - he said it took tolong and it was our spreadsheet that was incorrect. After re-adding the numbers from the paper - he got a little red faced - We asked why he did paper first - he said thats the way it has always been done and his people will continue to do it that way. (Can I tell you how long he was there before he was forced to retire..)

by ray.jack.son

On a plane I sat next to a guy with a really nice laptop. He was in sales, booze I believe. He was entering numbers into a spread sheet, and them using a handheld calculator to do the totlas, and entering them in the Total field.
It was like a 16year old with a Harley, somethings are just not right.

by workinonit!

Our webmaster (yes, the WEBMASTER) called me and told me that her "hourglass shows up alot" when she is editing graphics.

by tomsal

Just a few real life comments I've either overheard or were actually directed at me personally.

Scenario

Me to a CSR: "Gina (name altered to protect the stupid) the e-mail server is down for maintenance, please let the others know when they get back from break."

"Gina" to me: "Ok Tom, I'll send them an e-mail!"

;)

One liners, said by non-MIS employees overheard by me (a.k.a. "BSing at Smoke Break")

"...Hmm so you say your new computer is connecting slow to the Internet? Have you tried to disable your screen saver?"

BSER 1:"Yeah I've been playing PC games for years."
BSER 2:"Cool. What operating system, windows?"
BSER 1:"No. Its a dell."
BSER 2:"Who makes that?"
BSER 1:"I think Microsoft. That's what it says when I turn the computer on."

Other tidbits

"Tom, we use Windows 97 right?"

(To get the effect of this next one, realize that this person was talking about a BRAND NEW printer that I just UNBOXED in front of her AND THE POWER CORD WAS LAYING ON THE TABLE STILL!!)

"Tom, I think the new printer is broke..its not working!"

My recent favorite: "My monitor STILL doesn't work!"

Me: "I know that! Didn't you see the huge piece of paper taped to the screen that said "OUT OF ORDER".

Her: "Oh, that wasn't a joke?"

oy!

;)

by tomsal

Hmmm..someone say UT?

UT
Counter-Strike (HL Mod)
Return to Castle Wolfenstein
Unreal
Tribes 2
Red Faction
Half-Life
Team Fortress
Deadly Dozen
Day of Defeat (HL Mod)

Pick your poison...I've played (and still playing) them all! ;)

BTW..if you're playing online with just a modem, you're missing out - go Cable or DSL its SO much more gratifying to kill people and not suffer the ping of death! ;)

hehe..

happy gaming..

PS... Medal of Honor: Allied Assault and Renegade nexton my list. ;)

by admin

Maybe we need a little TR deathmatch, anyone got a server up that they ABSOLUTELY CANNOT be playing too close at?

:)

by admin

Alternately, maybe a little "Team-Building" exercise at TR? Perhaps we could find a few kids to commit to endless respawning.......

:)

by lordinfidel

I will give you the info for mine.

I can always go for a game tonight...

I'll be over a dial-up from my house...

8 or 9'sh....

Be prepared to download maps, which kind of sucks. It's on our sprint circuit.

Have not been able to put it in the internap colo yet, which will be really cool.

by nicknielsen

This one, I think, is willful incompetence, but it's still stupid.

One of my A+ students, in the _last_week_ of an 18-week class was told to open Device Manager on the system trainer and verify that all hardware was properly identified and configured.

His response: "I don't know how to do that."

When the process was explained, he then asked, "What's the difference between a click and a right-click?"

by jellimonsta

I can just imagine it now. Turn on your ignition system and 3/4 of the time you get a busy signal. When it eventually does respond it would procliam in that all too anoying female voice "Youv'e got gas!". Besides that fact, I though Al Gore owned the internet?... I could be wrong?!?! :)

by lordinfidel

I won it from him when he sold his soul to me when he decided to become a politician.

If anyone else is thinking of becoming a politian, please don't. I am overstocked in the politician soul area.

I need more dentists though. I'm running short.

SysAdmins are by application only and there is a waiting list.

by nicknielsen

...or you may find yourself shut down in the middle of the road!

Give whole new meaning to the word "crash" doesn't it?

Drive well and surf quickly.

by tony derosa

Or just Al Gore...owner, operator, benefactor and creator of the internet!

Once a day we should face Washington D.C and thank you for all your efforts!

by lordinfidel

If that helps you any....

I try to keep a low profile... Too many damn people wanting to sell their souls.

And they all want is money or something stupid like that. Nothing that matters like Bandwidth.

by radiic

I was gona say "nut" but figured "left mouse button" would be more appropriate. Damn cable modem wont be here for a while...and that was before the @home stuff...Now I have to wonder how long till comcast will get its act together here, even thoughthey were playing the ads on the radio here about a month ago.

Its hard playing UT with a 56k connect but i still manage to frag pretty good...Not God like LI yet but I have only been playing it for a month now. Once in a while i indulge from work...BOOOOOOOOM. Ya Like That>? You Suck! Ahh the sounds of UT.

Rad

by tony derosa

Like length, speed is overrated.
Like girth, bandwidth is more important.

If you don't get it, then you probably don't get it.

by lordinfidel

At home on dial-up with my laptop it's more like:

~SlowMovingTarget~

Have you set your lan settings down to modem?
Alot of times that makes the difference especially if you have it set to LAN/Cable.

by lordinfidel

Don't use the evil screen savers. I never beleived in them. They are more for show then anything else, at least with todays monitors. Unless of course you leave a monitor turned on for days with the same image on the screen.

That will lead to burn-in, which I have seen happen alot. At least on conventional monitors. Not my nifty 15" Laptop LCD.

Actually I have all of my power saving functions turned off when I am plugged in.

The big prob is my modem. Laptop modems are crap. And my video card sucks.

When I play at work, I have another machine that I use that is pretty good. Not the best but good enough to get in some nice head shots without getting blown to pieces.

by tomsal

Here in South NJ, which is right over the bridge from Comcast headquarters in Philly, they seem to be improving. They announced new services coming soon and that they are re-structuring since that whole Excite thing went down. They actually are promising that @home service will be "better than ever", will greater speeds and more reliability. Sounds great, hope it turns out to be true.

But as of yet I generally been averaging a ping of 100 on most UT servers, with 20-30 being the best and 300-350 being "HORRIBLE" for my cable modem (which when I test it with some software I use here at work, it rates up there with T1 dedicated speeds!).

All I know is that when playing a 32 person UT game at 30ms, its like you are playing single playermode...gotta love that!

by tony derosa

Have been with Comcast since my first P 90 (an original 90 with the floating point error) and did not lose service at all.

It will be great if, going forward, Comcast is "better than ever". But they probably won't improve the quality of the customer service until DSL can really compete with the cable modem performance for price.

I wish they would get some real engineers.

by mrafrohead

Be happy, those assholes at AT&T capped our download speeds and are still charging us full price.

I now am on a network that appears to be acting faster, but the second I start to download a file, it's capped off at 160K instead of my old peak of600K.

Needless to say, I am looking into an alternative for @home. I feel raped with this whole matter and hope that AT&T goes out of business per their bullying tactics that they are using.

Anyone that works with @home, why don't you drop mea line, I'd love to further discuss my situation with you!!!!

mrafrohead

@yahoo.com

by rawright

Geez, I feel lucky! Here in the middle of the godforsaken Mohave Desert I get 2Mbps bi-directional, unlimited access time, for $20/month...

Maybe you could do the same as my ISP did - tired of the rotten local service, he built a microwave link to the nearest facility that could give him T1 lines to an Internet POP, then started his own service distributing wireless connections to the locals.

Check into it -the equipment is getting a lot cheaper!

by mishratron

when i made it past 2 mins in godlike
then my wife deleted it
:(
told me i needed to go back to my cisco studies
BOO HOO
ohhhh router good
LOL

by t bowman

Ah, but if you were as clever as I, you would have stated:
"Yep, I got it. Al Gore invented it and then gave it to me." :)
I still think Al's statement has to be the most idiotic statement of the - well, maybe of all time???

by rdschaefer

A license is a really great idea except that the vendors couldn't survive selling 100 or so PCs a year.

Ralph

by tomsal

Don't like Billy boy Gates hear your computer license idea, he'll try and pass it through the industry as a Microsoft "innovation" and then they'll be another license fee to pay before you can even touch a computer...and how MS imagine the structureof licenses...

-one for touching a computer
-one for installing Windows
-one for thinking about a competitive product (ie. Anything non-Microsoft)

Then don't forget the fact that if you dual boot with Linux and Windows there's the "MS Cry Baby Tax" (you know because god forbid should anyone dare use an OS besides MS)..

;)

by _ladyhawk_2

Heheh....yes..while that may decrease your headaches on the job...specially if you're on the Help desk...there would be two or three problems arise. 1. you would have no more funny stories to tell. 2. you wouldn't have the satisfaction of helping some inept computer user along the road to computer independance. 3. what would happen to your job?
Don't mean to rain on your humour, but be nice to the poor people out there who want to play on their computers...it makes them feel like they are staying in touch in the information surge we are carried along in.
LMFO

by lordinfidel

SysAdmins take no pleasure in helping people. In fact we hate and despise all users.

They interrupt our nappy time. And I'm not kidding.

There will always be funny stories to tell. "Computer Techs" are also a great source of fun; half of them are idiots.

Unless AOL turns off the power to the Net, I will always have a job. Regardless of, if there are users wasting my bandwidth or not.

by mmcconne

I was in a meeting at work and we were meeting with another company about technology in use by them for Point Of Sale devices. The gentleman from the other company was explaining that they run their pos on 386 processors and that everything runs fine. After the man finished what he had to say one of our managers over the development team said in such a matter of fact way... Our systems run on 366 processors. The entire room went silent and a few people had to hold their laughter down. He did not understand that 386 was a much slower processor than a 366 processor

386 66MHz Vs. Celeron 366Mhz

Oh yea the 386 must be faster the number is higher than 366.

Hahahahahahehehehehehe

by dave4e2open

Year's ago when I developed CICS green screen apps for municipal police departments, I was sent out to determine why this one HQ was reporting slow response problems.
After I arrived and listened to the Police Chief's compaints, I decided to be cute and point at a tangled web of coaxial cable behind the 3270 and said, "There's the problem! The wire is kinked up".
I straightend out the wire and Chiefy said, "Hey, you could have called us and we could have fixed it ourselves"! Then he walked away satisfied.
I would have gotten away with it except the desk Sgt. knew better and threw me in a cell for 30 minutes.

by johnm

We got a call from a secretary a few years ago that she had installed AOL on her computer and it wasn't working. I got the call and told her "Nancy, you don't have a modem on your computer."

And she said, "I looked at the hardware requirementsand it doesn't say anything about a modem."

And, you know, it didn't! So where do we assign stupidity in this case?

by nicknielsen

It must have been the girl/guy/team who designed the packaging.

Besides, I've heard there are no tech people at AOL...

by workinonit!

One of our IT students (we are a University) called and said that he didn't have Internet access. When I arrived in his dorm room I found that he had installed AOL on his computer, knowing full well that we are on a network that provides Internet access. But he "wanted to use AOL instant messenger". His solution was to disconnect the LAN cable and plug his telephone cable into the NIC.

by tony derosa

I realize this discussion is about IT gaffs, but these people are probably stupid everywhere.
For example:
As I was standing in front of 111 Wall St. this morning, looking across at 110 and 120 Wall (clearly marked), a women came up to me and asked if this building was 120? Obviously, she didn't realize odd addresses are on one side, even on the other. Or, she couldn't read numbers.

In my best New yorker attitude, I pointed across the street and said, "right there, the one marked 120".
It occured to me that she must have walked down from Broadway at 1 Wall all the way to the East river and never once noticed that odd numbers are on one side, even on the other.

Can you imagine this oblivious women with a computer? A prime candidate to use her CDROM drive as a cup holder.
(Remember that one... a classic!)

by cward

I've been called on the carpet recently because upper management "doesn't understand why they need to pay for a network manager that does nothing all day but work on computers and do mysterious things in the server room". I've also been asked why no one except IT staff is allowed to go into the server room and why it's kept locked all the time. Needless to say, I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to overcome this perception issue.

by johnm

Take two week's vacation, throw away your pager, and don't leave a contact address. If there is anything left when you get back, you might have something to talk about with management. And circulate your resume while you gone - they might be OOB (out of business) when you return.

by lordinfidel

I read one of the posts about the person needing a modem and it jogged my memory of a tech call that I took.

Ou company does a lot of webcasting. One day a call came thru the front desk and was routed thru to me.

The man on the other end was quite upset because he was not able to listen to the webcast.

I started to go thru some trouble shooting stuff with him. Like making sure that he has real player installed, asked him whether or not he can listen to other broadcasts.

He told methat this is the first time he has tried and that he was at home using a dial-up. I then proceeded to test his sound. Going thru the control panel I had him test his sound and he said he could not hear anything.

I then asked him to make sure his volume on his speakers were turned up and that they were plugged in.

Well if we have'nt guessed at this point, the guy then said, "I need speakers to listen to the webcast?".

No sir you don't, sound travels magically thru the soundcard into the air.

by ebob

Among other things I do, I run a small website for a fishing club. We have a public forum each spring, and people register with us. We take an increasing number of registrations from the website.

Last year, some fellow emailed us that he couldn'tdownload one of the forms. He was getting a bit hostile, especially after I told him that there was nothing wrong with the site, or the form. He**, it was just a simple HTML

by lordinfidel

Charge them for shipping and handling, a refurb surchage, a disposal fee and of course state and local taxes...

(I've never been told before that I was not evil enough, exept my wife keeps telling me that I'm not mean, I'm squishy, whatever the hell that means)

by icetub

I think someone needs to send AOL the Hooked On Phonics package..."You've got mail" is improper English...they need to take the "got" out...but then again they're making gazillions and I'm at the 50k mark...

by sysad4u

After a lengthy email outage (several days), the first email in my in-box read something like this:

"To: All Users
From: Corporate IS Help-Desk
The corporate email server is down and will be for an undetermined length of time. We will send another email when it is back on-line."

Amazingly, the second item in my in-box was an announcement that the email server was back up. Duh! Thank gawd I'm a project sysadmin and not associated with corporate IS...

by rzan

Now where is the logic in this stament..I sent an email about the emnail being down now? The dumb blonde secretary sent an email about the email being down. I wonder if she would try to call her mother if the electricity were out in her office. Just goes to show you how retarted some people are in not understanding the basic logic behind how things work.

by ebob

...has a user calling up about "my monitor is all black, I can't see a thing on it."

The HD agent tries to get the user to trace the power and VGA cables, which of course run down behind the desk, and of course it's a desk with one of those da** aprons at the back. But the use can't see to trace the cables because it's too dark. And the user won't move the desk lamp over since it wouldn't do any good because they're in the midst of a power failure.

Humph.

by tomsal

That's really not that much a case of "the stupids"...heck I'll even send a message around similar to that.

The only thing that's "stupid" about what your Corporate IS did was put "The corporate email server *IS* down" - if they sent that after the fact that's retarded.

But I'll send out a message to my users if I have to do maintenance on our server and say "The email server will be down at [such and such a time], I plan to have it back up by [such and such a time]".

If you don't let the users know, believe it or not, they literally won't bother testing the mail server so if I would never email them when its up again no one would send an email for God knows how long.

(Oddly enough though when I tell them a database server goesdown they'll try that once a second until its up again! Go figure!)

by rawright

We use a long-obsolete OS for our retail ops; I have the pleasure of supporting it. I think they were trying to save RAM when they designed it, as it only recognizes 128 characters of the ASCII set - the capital ones. Any lowercase entry is ignored.

I got a desperate call one day from a manager (and, incidentally, the one who taught me this system at first). Point-of-Sale was down. The first thing I asked was whether the Caps-lock was on. He assured me repeatedly that he's not *that* dumb. I then spent 20 minutes going over all other usual steps with no luck.

I dropped everything (restoring a corporate net crash for the Pres) to drive across town to investigate. One press of the Caps-lock key restored full operation, of course.

I patiently explained to the manager that it was a random fault known as a SUE, but did not explain the meaning (Stupid User Event). I'm beginning to feel a lot of empathy for disgruntled postal workers... I get 5 to 20 such interruptions daily, and they never get one bit brighter!

by ebob

Problem
Exists
Between
Keyboard
And
Chair

Of course, we're all subject to that one. It seems no matter how much I spend on a keyboard, the da** just can't spell worth a sh**!

by jereg

Several years ago I was a technician working for perhaps the stupidest woman in the world. She had bee a secretary, took a basic programming class, moved to IT. When her boss quit, they made her Network Manager. As the department grew she decided to hire a supervisor for us clods. He was not a bad guy, but not too technical. One day she was standing by his desk and his new PC would not boot. He turned it off and on, but got the same error message and the PC locked up. She turned and called across the room to me to get the PC replaced under warranty right away. I looked over and could see the problem. I walked over, grabed the keyboard with both hands, muttered "hocus, pocus", and rubbed the top of the monitor. Then I turned the PC backon and went to my desk. From where I sat, I could watch the PC boot up, and see the jaws of the NETWORK SUPERVISOR and NETWORK MANAGER hit the floor. She demanded to know what I had done. I never told these technical wizards what was wrong.
It was simple though......
In the clutter of the supervisors desk, an open book had flipped over so the cover was pressing down on the Esc key on the corner of his keyboard. That caused a keyboard error. Neither one of these overpaid morons could figure that out.
Now I am a Network Manager, (hmmmmmmm).

by rawright

We had a manager that found a cable unplugged and helpfully located a jack to plug it into. Connected a hot Nortel Meridian telephone line to a C/CON-16 RS232 Conentrator is not recommended practice, as the two really don't play nicely together. One $1,000 C/CON was toast the first time the phone rang. Guess who had to deal with the other 15 users on that box?

by nicknielsen

Even if my ISP did that it wouldn't help me at all.

The copper in my neighborhood is so old (I'm full up Cat 5 in-house) the highest sustainable xfer rate I've seen is 17.7k, and even voice takes hits!

by nicknielsen

Each individual discussed in the posts above (let's call him/her/it "Moe Ronn") has done one or more of the following with respect to IT training:

--Skipped it
--Slept through it
--Ignored it
--etc.
--etc.
--etc.

And then Moe Ronn walks up to you and says, "I keep going to you stupid classes. How come I don't know amy more now than I did before?"

Bang! Zoom! Straight to the moon!

by nicknielsen

Me? Never! ...and it shows!

Corrected: And then Moe Ronn walks up to you and says, "I keep going to your stupid classes. How come I don't know any more now than I did before?"

by tomsal

I have a cable modem connection and 256 megs of RAM on my home system (its only a PIII 750..for now), but on "good connection days" I've hosted upto 4 players smoothly with CounterStrike, 6 with UT and 4 with Tribes 2...they are the only games I ever tried hosting though.

But then if anyone works in a major NOC with a T3 ...hmmmmm......can anyone say DEDICATED SERVER...

HAHAHAH!

;)

by rhizoned

But... everyone else can see it. :-P

We use act in our sales department and one day this user was entering in data and could not find it again, then noticed that all the past records were missing. (This user thinks that computers hate him and they are out to get him :-)

I checked with another user using the DB and he could see all the past entry's.

Upon closer inspection i noticed that the option box "Show Records" was unchecked. At that point I turned to him and said
"watch"

"See?"

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO TO MY SYSTEM?
Calm down, watch... click click

OHHHhhh.

Sometimes I wish I could just tell people what is wrong without having to see them get flushed in the face :-P
Orph

by lordinfidel

This user's name was'nt richard by any chance.

We have Act here (4 upgraded to 2K). When I first got here a couple of years ago, it was my job to figure out all of the DB issues for act.

Let's just say, I hate Act.

Can we say Random Behavior Generator.

Or maybe it's just because the users manage it and always seem to mess something up.
(Custom Layouts anyone?)

by _ladyhawk_2

I eagerly await the time when I am so well versed in t'expertise!!!!...no seriously..I'd love to be so technical!!!!then I wouldn't have to ask for help!!!!!
I love reading your stuff...keep on writing...LMFO