General discussion

  • Creator
  • #2130661

    Lookin for idiots.


    by lordinfidel ·

    After a couple of years in the IT buis, you start to hear strange and idiotic comments from a plethera of people.

    Some comments have made me laugh. Others have pissed me off. While, others have just made me cry and weep in utter dis-belief.

    Iwas hoping for this holiday season, if all of you would like to share some of your idiotic statement stories.

    For me, I think one of my all time favorites was from a stranger who asked me what I do for a living. After I tried to painstakingly explain to this gentleman my job, after all sometimes I have problems explaining it to myself, he then proceeded to state.

    In a drop dead serious statement as if this was the 8th wonder of the world;

    “So, you have the internet?”

    I was not surehow to react to that statement, Although in my head my reply went something like this:

    Yes sir, I do. It’s all mine, I own it and I’m not giving it up.

    I would of have felt too bad for being mean. It must have been the day that the little ray of light decided to show it’s head from the black pit that I call my soul.

All Comments

  • Author
    • #3549186

      you own the internet?

      by cul8rm8e ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      then maybe i can have a contact number for one of my recent customers who has been trying for some time for an answer to his what he thought a very serious question,(can you tell me who the best person in your office would be to speak to about the internet, i see that you have advertised that all your pc`s are internet ready but i would like to just buy the pc on its own as im sure with all the contacts i have i would be able to buy my own internet a bit cheaper ( I NEARLY HAD HEART ATTACK):) trying VERY hard i explained in simple detail that the advert for internet pc`s really meant that when you buy a pc you can connect to any isp of your choice, baring in mind that there may be a charge for their services, as the hardware needed for internet use was already preinstalled and (internet ready)he looked at me a bit bemused and said , I thought all i had to do was buy a pc, buy an internet and thats me up and running but what the hell is it going to cost me for an isp and where do you connect it to? well what would you do in this sitution? your so wright, i asked the manager to have a word! what happened? he bought a laptop and was never seen again. (just wonder sinse this has been a few months now,does this guy ever think about the time he wanted to buy an internet? if your out there mate get in touch.

      cul8rm8 god bless! 🙂

      • #3549154

        Actually I sold it shortly after…

        by lordinfidel ·

        In reply to you own the internet?

        I sold it to AOL for a bag of fries, a case of Jolt and some UT mods.

        • #3567519

          reminds me of…

          by roz.clarke ·

          In reply to Actually I sold it shortly after…

          A certain PC manufacturer which is advertising machines in the UK at the moment which will provide ‘faster internet’.

          Thought about buying one just so I could lodge a complaint when the internet doesn’t go any faster… lol

        • #3567355

          So it was you!

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to Actually I sold it shortly after…

          AOL is your fault?

          It could be worse…you could have sold the car to AOL.

          Can you imagine?

          “Welcome to your car!”

        • #3569437

          AOL and the Automobile

          by jellimonsta ·

          In reply to So it was you!

          I can just imagine it now. Turn on your ignition system and 3/4 of the time you get a busy signal. When it eventually does respond it would procliam in that all too anoying female voice “Youv’e got gas!”. Besides that fact, I though Al Gore owned the internet?… I could be wrong?!?! 🙂

        • #3569400

          Al invented the net.

          by lordinfidel ·

          In reply to AOL and the Automobile

          I won it from him when he sold his soul to me when he decided to become a politician.

          If anyone else is thinking of becoming a politian, please don’t. I am overstocked in the politician soul area.

          I need more dentists though. I’m running short.

          SysAdmins are by application only and there is a waiting list.

        • #3568246

          And don’t drive too long…

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to AOL and the Automobile

          …or you may find yourself shut down in the middle of the road!

          Give whole new meaning to the word “crash” doesn’t it?

          Drive well and surf quickly.

        • #3435244

          Stock Options

          by derrellb ·

          In reply to And don’t drive too long…

          So what are the Stock Options? I want to own some of “THE INTERNET” all to myself. How can I get some Shares??

        • #3569344

          Too late …

          by sjwalter ·

          In reply to So it was you!

          They’ve already done that:

          “Welcome to OnStar …”

        • #3568295


          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to Too late …

          But at least it’s a _live_ voice…

          Thank God for Vee-dub!

        • #3569233

          two of mine

          by juridian ·

          In reply to Actually I sold it shortly after…

          Three idiotic statements I remember are…..

          Dev – “How do you serve those web pages from your box?”
          Me – “Using IIS”
          Dev – “Really? What’s that?”

          This dev was supposedly an NT Web developer at the time…..

          “So how do we use SSL?” – from my team of 13 e-commerce web developers when I was a tester

          And Finally:
          (supposed) Test Lead – “I can’t get things to display right on my computer.”
          Me – “Did you install the drivers for your video card?”
          (supposed) Test Lead – “What’s a driver?”

        • #3569232


          by juridian ·

          In reply to two of mine

          started out as two and turned into three

        • #3568255

          Internet on a floppy

          by mikiesoft ·

          In reply to Actually I sold it shortly after…

          When I worked for GTE Internet (back in the old days) I actually had a customer ask me how to save the internet to a floppy disk!
          I had to mute my headset (hysterical laughter!)

      • #3556797

        Bought it

        by bill cromwell ·

        In reply to you own the internet?

        He bought it from Al Gore… the original owner.

      • #3663804

        re: what would YOU do…

        by tekboy9999 ·

        In reply to you own the internet?

        The first thing I’d learn to do if I were you is how to use proper punctuation, spelling and sentence structure.

    • #3549167

      How on Earth do You Choose?

      by sheilau ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      I work for a help desk, and have been doing so for nearly 12 years. Over the years, I have had many, many calls that made me want to drop over in shock, but my all time favorite was one of my customers switching from a modem connection to a cable -he asked me if he should buy an extra cable now or wait. Innocent me asks “wait for what, sir?” “Well, we’re going to be transmitting data at least three times a day, and that’s sure to wear out the cable”. I quite honestly was so shocked, I didn’t know what to say at first. I then asked if I could speak to his CIO, to which he replied – “that’s me”. Once I recovered, I recommended that he buy two extra cables, “just in case”. I felt a little guilty, but anyone that clueless deserves to get shafted a little.

      • #3549152

        My black heart would of have taken over

        by lordinfidel ·

        In reply to How on Earth do You Choose?

        I would of have spewed off something like.

        Actually sir, you are going to need a whole case if you are planning to transfer data that many times a day.

        The cables are good for one data transfer only. After that they are unreliable and probably won’t work.

        You will need to replace it after every use.

        BoFh <=> /.

        • #3549138


          by sheilau ·

          In reply to My black heart would of have taken over

          But how could I?? I feel somewhat like my job is to protect the innocent and the clueless from the big, bad PC/MAC world!! Making him buy two extra was bad enough 🙂 Now I’m in an environment where I get to talk to people of that intellectual caliber DAILY, if not more often, so by the end of my career, I’ll have a bookful of “idiot” stories. You have to love the help desk! One of my last callers wanted to know what she could purchase to protect her television from viruses – she was using WebTV, and it was a brand new television. We’re still giggling about that one!

        • #3568382

          Your not evil enough

          by n-line computers ·

          In reply to My black heart would of have taken over

          Your not evil enough. You could have made a killing by offering him a cable replacement service. Referb cables cheap. Sell him two cables and make a killing mailing him his old now referbed cable back.

        • #3568462

          Going a step further….

          by lordinfidel ·

          In reply to Your not evil enough

          Charge them for shipping and handling, a refurb surchage, a disposal fee and of course state and local taxes…

          (I’ve never been told before that I was not evil enough, exept my wife keeps telling me that I’m not mean, I’m squishy, whatever the hell that means)

        • #3569149

          AOL and Hooked on Phonics…

          by icetub ·

          In reply to Going a step further….

          I think someone needs to send AOL the Hooked On Phonics package…”You’ve got mail” is improper English…they need to take the “got” out…but then again they’re making gazillions and I’m at the 50k mark…

      • #3569272

        “Villiage Idiots” running loose

        by gregz ·

        In reply to How on Earth do You Choose?

        Try to explaining to a customer when they call in asking about cellular service, and you explain the difference between home coverage area and roaming area, and you get yelled at because they think that you are talking about their home telephone service when telling them the difference.

        • #3568730

          No Email this weekend

          by mogliak ·

          In reply to “Villiage Idiots” running loose

          From a broadcast message to all users:
          Me: The Email server will be down this weekend, Email will not be available until Monday morning.
          User: What about my AOL account at home.
          Me: What about it?
          User: Will AOL Email be down too ?

        • #3548790

          I would have replied:

          by hologramdog ·

          In reply to No Email this weekend

          “yes, AOL is already down.”

        • #3568989


          by ebob ·

          In reply to I would have replied:


        • #3400918

          Pass on the laughter….

          by stuart_at_oz ·

          In reply to I would have replied:

          It would have been better to advise them to call AOL to check with them, so the tech’s at AOL could have a laugh too…..


    • #3549121

      I swear this happened….

      by radiic ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      Back in the old days when i was just a lowlife foxpro programmer, I used to have to run some of the higher end support for the company i was working for. We had a customer where there was 2 older ladies that ran the shop for this hotel. Lady 1 wasthe one that could barely use the computer and Lady 2 had no idea what the computer was. Well one day Lady 1 called in for a problem she was having, and the tech had to escalate the call to me, but the time I got to it, it was the next morning. Well we were using PC anywhere to support the customers (remember how bad 7.0 was) well like usual Pc anywhere locked up and I was going to have the pc rebooted so i could connect again.

      Well you guessed it. Lady 1 was off that day. I was fairly confident that i could walk anyone through the process and I called and asked for Lady 2. I talked her into helping me and she asked what she should do first. I said first you need to grab the mouse and click on….eeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk a mouse she screamed into the phone and droped it.

      I sat there and laughed so hard that i couldnt wipe the tears away fast enoungh.

      I latter found out from Lady 1 that Lady 2 who had no clue about computers thought that since we could log onto the computer and work it that we could see what was going on there, and that I was trying to tell her to get away from a mouse. I started laughing even harder when she told me that.

      Laughing while remembering that one…

      • #3567724

        BTW Lord…Thanks for …

        by radiic ·

        In reply to I swear this happened….

        Turning me on to UT… About 3 months ago you had replied in a thread about it…So i promtly surfed to find out what it was…Now I am so hooked…

        • #3567685


          by lordinfidel ·

          In reply to BTW Lord…Thanks for …

          Glad I could help…. It is addicting.

          Next, you need to build yourself your own UT server.

        • #3569526

          Someone say UT? MUHAHAHAH!

          by tomsal ·

          In reply to GodLike…..

          Hmmm..someone say UT?

          Counter-Strike (HL Mod)
          Return to Castle Wolfenstein
          Tribes 2
          Red Faction
          Team Fortress
          Deadly Dozen
          Day of Defeat (HL Mod)

          Pick your poison…I’ve played (and still playing) them all! 😉

          BTW..if you’re playing online with just a modem, you’re missing out – go Cable or DSL its SO much more gratifying to kill people and not suffer the ping of death! 😉


          happy gaming..

          PS… Medal of Honor: Allied Assault and Renegade nexton my list. 😉

        • #3548954


          by admin ·

          In reply to Someone say UT? MUHAHAHAH!

          Maybe we need a little TR deathmatch, anyone got a server up that they ABSOLUTELY CANNOT be playing too close at?


        • #3548953

          Clan TR

          by admin ·

          In reply to hehehe

          Alternately, maybe a little “Team-Building” exercise at TR? Perhaps we could find a few kids to commit to endless respawning…….


        • #3548949

          Well actually… ;)

          by tomsal ·

          In reply to Clan TR

          I have a cable modem connection and 256 megs of RAM on my home system (its only a PIII 750..for now), but on “good connection days” I’ve hosted upto 4 players smoothly with CounterStrike, 6 with UT and 4 with Tribes 2…they are the only games I ever tried hosting though.

          But then if anyone works in a major NOC with a T3 …hmmmmm……can anyone say DEDICATED SERVER…



        • #3548917

          E-mail me directly

          by lordinfidel ·

          In reply to hehehe

          I will give you the info for mine.

          I can always go for a game tonight…

          I’ll be over a dial-up from my house…

          8 or 9’sh….

          Be prepared to download maps, which kind of sucks. It’s on our sprint circuit.

          Have not been able to put it in the internap colo yet, which will be really cool.

        • #3569253

          i was soo happy

          by mishratron ·

          In reply to GodLike…..

          when i made it past 2 mins in godlike
          then my wife deleted it
          told me i needed to go back to my cisco studies
          BOO HOO
          ohhhh router good

    • #3567531

      Never Underestimate…

      by rdschaefer ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      Never Underestimate the Power of Human Stupidity!

      Years ago when I did desktop support, we had a manager who simply couldn’t grasp the concept of shared folders on a server. He insisted that we develop a way to automatically copy files from his PC to his secretary’s PC so she could spell/grammar check and print his stuff.


      • #3567481

        Dark Daze/Days

        by ebob ·

        In reply to Never Underestimate…

        (A couple of many from a period of time I call: “The Dark Daze/Days”)

        We had a IT Director (a “director”, no less!) who had his secretary print off all of his email so he could read it, because he didn’t have time to read it on his computer! “Whydidn’t he have time” you ask? He was constantly on his way to meeting to evangelize I.T., and bring the company to a “paperless” mode of working.


        He was also having trouble reading on his laptop screen. Remember the first generation LCDs on the old Compaq Elites? (Compaq – say no more!) Well, since the existing I.T. staff (myself included) obviously had no clue, he brought in a small army of consultants. The highest paid, and apparently brightest of this group, proceeded to “clean” the screen. (It seems this “director” had a fondness for the pastries while pointing at things on his screen.) The consultant strated to rub the screen VIGOROUSLY with a rough paper towel. Of course, he not only scratched the he** out of the plastic membrane protecting the screen, but by pushing so hard, he broke several elements inside the screen. And of course, since the consultant was paid so much more than the rest of us, it was obviously “our” fault that now the director’s laptop was pretty much unusable (and oddly, not covered by warranty!).

        There was dancing in the street when this dope and his army were escorted out the friggin’ door!

      • #3569496


        by nicknielsen ·

        In reply to Never Underestimate…

        That’s what we did in essentially the same situation.

        We created the shared folder and assigned it to both the AD for Finance and his secretary.

        We told her it would be her I: drive.

        We told him that as long as he used a certain procedure, the file would be saved on both computers. We then demonstrated the “Save As” procedure.

        He never lost a file.

      • #3568215

        Done that, too

        by workinonit! ·

        In reply to Never Underestimate…

        Our company VP insisted on his secretary having access to his files. I just shared and put a shortcut on her desktop to his “My Docs” folder. He thinks I’m amazing.

    • #3567527


      by sheic ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      Recently I’ve developed a VB app & a Access DB for a small company. The app should record the clients, some numbers every month, make some simple calculation and print out a receipt. All that was done till then in their company using an Excel worksheet, but they had to reenter every client, every previous recorded figures, no DB.

      So, at my first presentation we verified if the calculations are made right. I ran Excel and input some figures in their old worksheet to compare their results withthose outputed by my application.

      Here comes the bright ideea: the manager, which was following my presentation, stated that we should print out that worksheet, so that we had the numbers on paper and we could close Excel and ran my app (the OS was Win95, but a monotasking version, of course 🙂 ).
      The client was quite impressed by his system when I told him that we could ran my app even if Excel was running.
      Anyway, It’s bad bussines practice to laugh on a “bright” idea, especially when “the man with plan” is my debtor, at least in his presence…

      And then, of course, you can imagine the magical clipboard teleporting numbers form Excel to my app 🙂

      Come to think about it know.. I could ask an extra 25%, considering the fact thatI brought multitasking on his system 😉

      • #3567430

        noisy floppy drive

        by mcarson ·

        In reply to monotasking/multitasking..

        At my last job, we had a computer ‘lab’ where employees could come and use a computer whenever they needed to do word processing or web browsing, just about anything. Well, one day I saw a hand shoot way up in the air and someone yelling for help. Iwent over to have a look and they told me that they couldn’t read they’re floppy disk. They thought all of their data was gone..months of work and its all gone. Of course they were blaming the the computer…’it ate my disk!!’ It was making the most horrible sound I’ve ever heard. I had a look at it and found the cause of the problem. These machines had both floppy drives and Zip drives built in. Can you guess what happend? The user had put the 3.5″ floppy disk in the Zip drive. It was trying to access the floppy disk and was just gridding away. It was safe to say that the disk was pretty much toast. I had to pull it out with a small set of pliers. She was livid about the ‘Computer that ate her diskette’. She lost her data and sent mysupervisor and ‘friendly’ note, but there because of our policy and the clearly visible signs and disclaimer about the use of the lab, we weren’t held accountable.

        Another day, we had an issue that the computer couldn’t read a floppy disk. Sheactually called me in from another location in the building to have a look at this machine. Apparently, the computer was not reading the diskette she had put in the drive (she had the correct one). When I went to have a look, I noticed that the monitor was black. One thing popped into my mind. I looked over at the PC and there were no lights. I told her that if you want to access floppy disks, the PC needs to be turned ON..I walked away hoping that she wasn’t gonna ask how to turn the computer on. Needless to say, I moved up in the world and I’m at a place where the users can’t access the floppy drive.

        • #3569342

          The more I read of these …

          by sjwalter ·

          In reply to noisy floppy drive

          … the more I think we need a “Computer License”. Like a driver’s license, only this gives you the right to touch a computer. Pass a couple more tests and you get the “developer” or “technician” endorsements and you can actually program and install software.

          Would make life more interesting, imaging walking into a BestBuy/CompUSA/Fries/etc.:

          “I’d like to buy this computer.”

          “Excellent, sir … may I see your license?”

          “Of course. Here.”

          “Hmmm … I’m sorry sir, but you don’t have a license to purchase this machine. Step this way and I’ll show you a nice coloring book…”

          I know, I know … but I can dream, can’t I?

        • #3568444

          Great idea but…

          by rdschaefer ·

          In reply to The more I read of these …

          A license is a really great idea except that the vendors couldn’t survive selling 100 or so PCs a year.


        • #3568109

          Shh..don’t like Mr. Gates hear this

          by tomsal ·

          In reply to Great idea but…

          Don’t like Billy boy Gates hear your computer license idea, he’ll try and pass it through the industry as a Microsoft “innovation” and then they’ll be another license fee to pay before you can even touch a computer…and how MS imagine the structureof licenses…

          -one for touching a computer
          -one for installing Windows
          -one for thinking about a competitive product (ie. Anything non-Microsoft)

          Then don’t forget the fact that if you dual boot with Linux and Windows there’s the “MS Cry Baby Tax” (you know because god forbid should anyone dare use an OS besides MS)..


        • #3568957

          Licencing pc buyers?

          by _ladyhawk_2 ·

          In reply to Great idea but…

          Heheh….yes..while that may decrease your headaches on the job…specially if you’re on the Help desk…there would be two or three problems arise. 1. you would have no more funny stories to tell. 2. you wouldn’t have the satisfaction of helping some inept computer user along the road to computer independance. 3. what would happen to your job?
          Don’t mean to rain on your humour, but be nice to the poor people out there who want to play on their computers…it makes them feel like they are staying in touch in the information surge we are carried along in.

        • #3568839


          by lordinfidel ·

          In reply to Licencing pc buyers?

          SysAdmins take no pleasure in helping people. In fact we hate and despise all users.

          They interrupt our nappy time. And I’m not kidding.

          There will always be funny stories to tell. “Computer Techs” are also a great source of fun; half of them are idiots.

          Unless AOL turns off the power to the Net, I will always have a job. Regardless of, if there are users wasting my bandwidth or not.

        • #3568816


          by _ladyhawk_2 ·

          In reply to Well….

          I eagerly await the time when I am so well versed in t’expertise!!!!…no seriously..I’d love to be so technical!!!!then I wouldn’t have to ask for help!!!!!
          I love reading your stuff…keep on writing…LMFO

        • #3556776

          This is So True…

          by radiic ·

          In reply to Well….

          People sometimes say to me what are you doing and i simply reply my job. If I have time to sit and play or do other things on my computer then My job has been done correctly. Why>? you might say. I am a network administrator, and when the network is up and running and purring like a kitten then I have done my job just fine.

          I hate when users call too. Dont they realize that I am sitting here reading all these posts on TR.

          ~Argg time to go play some UT~


        • #3556765

          This is So True…

          by radiic ·

          In reply to Well….

          People sometimes say to me what are you doing and i simply reply my job. If I have time to sit and play or do other things on my computer then My job has been done correctly. Why>? you might say. I am a network administrator, and when the network is up and running and purring like a kitten then I have done my job just fine.

          I hate when users call too. Dont they realize that I am sitting here reading all these posts on TR.

          ~Argg time to go play some UT~


        • #3558932

          You’re right

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to Well….

          Half of PC techs are idiots…

          They want to become Sysadmins!

          Shall we now descend to a series of traded insults or simply agree that there are idiots everywhere and unfortunately we have to work with, for, or around them?

        • #3577034

          Doing That!

          by rvanduse ·

          In reply to The more I read of these …

          I work for a school system, and this week my job is to design a new curriculum that will require the students to earn an Internet Driver’s License before they can use the system.
          As for I-D-10-T Error stories, my brother-in-law called this Christmas about his new PC and cable modem. He needs a converter to switch the TV cable to a Phone cable so he can plug it into his 56K modem….

    • #3567439

      Here’s a great one….

      by lordinfidel ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      I was rummaging thru my mailbox this morning cleaning house. And found an e-mail that brought amazement to my black pit of a soul.

      Enough so that I decided to stuff it away in one of my archive folders.

      I decided to ressurect it and share it with you. It is a little long, I apologize. But I did’nt write it so don’t bitch at me.

      This was an actual e-mail that came to one of our employees via one of our websites.

      Things that make you go hmmm.


      • #3567435

        Hmm pt1… Names removed

        by lordinfidel ·

        In reply to Here’s a great one….

        Hello how is it going? My name is ***** *****, I am 29 years old and very
        sain, and to the point. I have 8 – 10 movies going on in my head, and have
        been working on them for the past 5 to 20 years and I’m working on them
        every day in my head. It is my time to shine and I need some help. This is
        my dream and has always been forever. I have got all my ideas together now.
        So I went off to chase it. In doing so I did loose all and never have I
        been happier. Now im back on my feet and doing OK. Here is some of what
        I’ve gone through in the past 7 weeks, just because I believe

      • #3567433

        Hmm pt2

        by lordinfidel ·

        In reply to Here’s a great one….

        The past 7 weeks of my life have been just crazy. It all started when I
        became depressed because I could not get ahead of the game enough to be
        able to help the one I love more than anything in life. We started fighting
        around that time over how I live. See I moved to Ottawa 12 Years ago and
        since then I’ve been living in peoples basements and rooming in houses just
        to keep up with my debt. 1 year ago I met the most beautiful person in the
        world inside and out. In the second month Itold her everything about my
        life and there is some pretty intense stuff. She looked at me and said “my
        opinion of you has not changed.” I love her dearly and there is nothing I
        can do for when it started to go bad. I decided to follow my heart for once
        in my life. We were arguing one day 7 weeks ago over the same thing I’ve
        heard from her for the previous two months. I know that she wanted
        out now for awhile and things were good. We both have the same dream yet
        I’m willingto get crazy and chase my dreams and she just willing to stay
        in that job she really doesn’t like.

      • #3567432

        Hmm pt3

        by lordinfidel ·

        In reply to Here’s a great one….

        I have 10 different movies going on in my head and they get better as the
        years go by. some I’ve been working on for the past 20 years and some only
        for 5. About three years ago I went to Toronto with no money and tried it
        then. It did not work and I had to come home. Started over again. Then when
        I got back on my feet I met this lovely woman and totally was just amazed
        by this person. She I my life and I don’t want to let go. I know one day I
        will have to yet I still don’t want to be a failure. I will do something
        great in this world yet weather it be movies or my book. See I left to go
        to Toronto two weeks after we had the break up. The day I left I called my
        sister and she had told me that MY NIECE was sexually molested. That’s all
        I could think about on the way there for you try so hard not to let these
        things happen to your children and it does anyway, in your own home while
        you are sleeping. So on the way to Toronto I started to write all my
        thoughts down. I got there, found the people I was looking for and had
        three jobs lined up. All I had to do Is show up.

      • #3567431

        Hmm pt4

        by lordinfidel ·

        In reply to Here’s a great one….

        Well I wrote and wrote. The more I wrote the more I found I had to say. The
        second day there I sat in the back seat of my car and wrote for 14 hours
        solid. I figured this is not a coincidence, I’m not big on school, reading,
        or writing, yet I’m about to write a book. A lot of my life is in there.

        I said to myself “why should I be away from the one I love doing this when
        I can be sitting right beside her.” We did kind of get back together for a
        bit. She was totally behind me as well. I came back to Ottawa and kept on
        writing. Left the realm of producing to write a book. It seems I always
        fall short and I have to stop doing that. From here I decided that I must
        go get my parents story and I will finish the book where they live, in Nova
        Scotia. She was still behind me. Took my computer down and my book and had
        very good intentions of finishing it there until I had thoughts of my
        unborn children with my soon to be wife. I did not want our children being
        pick on growing up in school for things I have done and had done to me,
        before they were even born. So I came up with yet another plan. I thought
        that I would go see Oprah and I did. I went back to Ottawa And let my
        lovely in on what I was about to do and she yes was still behind me but
        loosing faith. I was not going crazy I was just driven, and driven by
        something I really could not explain.

      • #3567429

        Hmm pt5

        by lordinfidel ·

        In reply to Here’s a great one….

        Oprah’s people knew me as Persistance and they also knew I was going to
        make a trip from Chicago to see them. I now guess they thought I was just
        another crazy calling them from Nova Scotia. when I got to Chicago I went
        to her building and gotthe COLD SHOULDER. Then I knew that I was NOT going
        to get the help I was looking for. I’m not after money, I just need a
        meeting with four very important people in the acting world and for the
        person who can help me fulfill that part of my life I will give then A
        great idea for a movie based on a real life scenario for it based on High
        School shootings. I’m must apologize for my lack of proper grammer. They
        even went as far as to call the cops when I sat outside. So knowing that i
        was not going to get the help I deserve. I had to come home. But there is a
        twist I did not exchange any money before crossing the border, opps. it
        took me three hours to find a place that would take my money. I even went
        to a bank and they would not do so. When I found the place that would it
        took me all of 10 minute to have it exchanged and get back to the car. only
        to find out that it was on the tow truck.

        The driver would not give me a break and I did not have the money to get it
        back that day. So I had to hike home Back to Ottawa. That was the thanx I
        got for driving to see someone who put out that she helps people. A week
        later I hike back down to get my car for I was going to go bankrupt until a
        friend of mine showed me how dishonest that was.

      • #3567426

        Hmm – conlcusion

        by lordinfidel ·

        In reply to Here’s a great one….

        Things got really hairy in the week I was home between my lovely and I and
        I totally scared her away with all the things I have said and done. She is
        gone now after a year of bliss. I’m now back on track and looking for some
        help. I double dare any one that is in a position to help me get a meeting
        with the important four people. Just give me one hour of your time. I will
        not waste it and yet will be glad you met me. Oprah’s people would not
        believe please don’t you too. But if helpdoes never come I’ll just keep
        working at my book.

        You can reach me at (***) ***-**** or


        ***** *****

        • #3568940

          don’t tell me…got a great personality?

          by _ladyhawk_2 ·

          In reply to Hmm – conlcusion

          Well Lord…maybe you’ve got a gold mine in your email box that you shouldn’t overlook. Ok…the guy/girl is a nutcase…but look at the way movies are going these days…you could take all the juice in this twisted little post and make a million ortwo if you turn it into one of those bizzard movies that bend the mind and make people go Huh?
          LOL…just kidding….but he/she did have a problem keeping the topics straight for sure…lmfo

      • #3568442


        by rdschaefer ·

        In reply to Here’s a great one….

        What kind of web site would elicit an email like that??????
        I don’t want to know that actual name, just the target audience.


        • #3568354


          by ebob ·

          In reply to ?????????????

          Oh my.

          What sort of looney was that? Hopefully he/she/it will surrender to the proper authorities ASAP. I’m sure some nice medication and a lobotomy will go a long, long way to helping. On 2nd thought, maybe the last lobotomy was botched. Yeah, that’d explain a lot. Heh-heh (nervously).

        • #3568328

          That’s the thing….

          by lordinfidel ·

          In reply to ?????????????

          This e-mail came from way out in left field..

          Granted we have several sites. ( We are (what I percieve, take into account I am not in marketing or the official spokesman for our company) an Internet Broadcasting Production Company or Full Service Multimedia Company, which ever you prefer.

          The e-mail came into the account of an ex-employee who use to run one of our talent oriented websites. But I have no idea how this guy ever got this employees name or address for that matter.

          I have some other real doosies that come into our webmaster accounts. Some actually blame us for their internet connection woes. I am still trying to find them so I can post them. They are misplaced in my archives. But they are real winners.

        • #3568474

          Mis-placed Blame Story

          by ebob ·

          In reply to That’s the thing….

          Among other things I do, I run a small website for a fishing club. We have a public forum each spring, and people register with us. We take an increasing number of registrations from the website.

          Last year, some fellow emailed us that he couldn’tdownload one of the forms. He was getting a bit hostile, especially after I told him that there was nothing wrong with the site, or the form. He**, it was just a simple HTML


          Nearing the end of opur *last* discussion, he asked me to speak up. Apparently teh noise of the excavation equipment (!) outside his house was quite loud, and he had turned his cell phone volume all the way up. “Why the cell phone?”

          “The excavtion guys dug up my phone line.”

          “Do you use a dial-up Internet account?”


          So (choking back the evil laughter) I explained to him that was probably why he was having problems “downloading the form”.

          “Of course it is, that’s why I’m calling YOU!”

          I’m not sure what he expected from me/us. “How did you send us the initial email telling us of your ‘problem’?”

          “From work.”

          “Why not try registering ‘from work’?”

          “Oh, say, do you think that would work?”

    • #3567386

      THis is the Toper – From A VP of Acct

      by jimhm ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      Many Moon’s ago – when Spreadsheets where just coming into Voge – we created a spreadsheet for our accounting department to save them time and retire those monster calculators with the paper tape.

      The VP of accounting – calls the one day and starts complaining that the numbers on the spreadsheet are incorrect. So figuring that we missed something in one of the summaries – we start checking – no errors found.

      We asked the VP how he found the error.. here’s the answer.

      I have the accounts do all by hand as they have done in the past – and then from the paper they enter it into the spreadsheets. The totals for account XYZ – don’t match what they have on paper. We asked if he had the numbers paper double checked – he said it took tolong and it was our spreadsheet that was incorrect. After re-adding the numbers from the paper – he got a little red faced – We asked why he did paper first – he said thats the way it has always been done and his people will continue to do it that way. (Can I tell you how long he was there before he was forced to retire..)

      • #3568242

        Speadsheets and the clueless

        by ray.jack.son ·

        In reply to THis is the Toper – From A VP of Acct

        On a plane I sat next to a guy with a really nice laptop. He was in sales, booze I believe. He was entering numbers into a spread sheet, and them using a handheld calculator to do the totlas, and entering them in the Total field.
        It was like a 16year old with a Harley, somethings are just not right.

      • #3568202

        Try this one on…

        by workinonit! ·

        In reply to THis is the Toper – From A VP of Acct

        Our webmaster (yes, the WEBMASTER) called me and told me that her “hourglass shows up alot” when she is editing graphics.

    • #3569532

      Here’s a few real life comments…

      by tomsal ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      Just a few real life comments I’ve either overheard or were actually directed at me personally.


      Me to a CSR: “Gina (name altered to protect the stupid) the e-mail server is down for maintenance, please let the others know when they get back from break.”

      “Gina” to me: “Ok Tom, I’ll send them an e-mail!”


      One liners, said by non-MIS employees overheard by me (a.k.a. “BSing at Smoke Break”)

      “…Hmm so you say your new computer is connecting slow to the Internet? Have you tried to disable your screen saver?”

      BSER 1:”Yeah I’ve been playing PC games for years.”
      BSER 2:”Cool. What operating system, windows?”
      BSER 1:”No. Its a dell.”
      BSER 2:”Who makes that?”
      BSER 1:”I think Microsoft. That’s what it says when I turn the computer on.”

      Other tidbits

      “Tom, we use Windows 97 right?”

      (To get the effect of this next one, realize that this person was talking about a BRAND NEW printer that I just UNBOXED in front of her AND THE POWER CORD WAS LAYING ON THE TABLE STILL!!)

      “Tom, I think the new printer is broke..its not working!”

      My recent favorite: “My monitor STILL doesn’t work!”

      Me: “I know that! Didn’t you see the huge piece of paper taped to the screen that said “OUT OF ORDER”.

      Her: “Oh, that wasn’t a joke?”



    • #3569525

      Justification for Field Certs

      by nicknielsen ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      This one, I think, is willful incompetence, but it’s still stupid.

      One of my A+ students, in the _last_week_ of an 18-week class was told to open Device Manager on the system trainer and verify that all hardware was properly identified and configured.

      His response: “I don’t know how to do that.”

      When the process was explained, he then asked, “What’s the difference between a click and a right-click?”

    • #3569416

      Are You the devil?

      by tony derosa ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      Or just Al Gore…owner, operator, benefactor and creator of the internet!

      Once a day we should face Washington D.C and thank you for all your efforts!

      • #3569402

        My users call me Satan….

        by lordinfidel ·

        In reply to Are You the devil?

        If that helps you any….

        I try to keep a low profile… Too many damn people wanting to sell their souls.

        And they all want is money or something stupid like that. Nothing that matters like Bandwidth.

        • #3569396

          I’d Give My Left…..For Some Bandwidth

          by radiic ·

          In reply to My users call me Satan….

          I was gona say “nut” but figured “left mouse button” would be more appropriate. Damn cable modem wont be here for a while…and that was before the @home stuff…Now I have to wonder how long till comcast will get its act together here, even thoughthey were playing the ads on the radio here about a month ago.

          Its hard playing UT with a 56k connect but i still manage to frag pretty good…Not God like LI yet but I have only been playing it for a month now. Once in a while i indulge from work…BOOOOOOOOM. Ya Like That>? You Suck! Ahh the sounds of UT.


        • #3569383

          Only GodLike at work

          by lordinfidel ·

          In reply to I’d Give My Left…..For Some Bandwidth

          At home on dial-up with my laptop it’s more like:


          Have you set your lan settings down to modem?
          Alot of times that makes the difference especially if you have it set to LAN/Cable.

        • #3569354

          ~SlowMovingTarget~ Fix

          by tnguy ·

          In reply to Only GodLike at work

          Did you try turning off your screen saver?

        • #3568316


          by lordinfidel ·

          In reply to ~SlowMovingTarget~ Fix

          Don’t use the evil screen savers. I never beleived in them. They are more for show then anything else, at least with todays monitors. Unless of course you leave a monitor turned on for days with the same image on the screen.

          That will lead to burn-in, which I have seen happen alot. At least on conventional monitors. Not my nifty 15″ Laptop LCD.

          Actually I have all of my power saving functions turned off when I am plugged in.

          The big prob is my modem. Laptop modems are crap. And my video card sucks.

          When I play at work, I have another machine that I use that is pretty good. Not the best but good enough to get in some nice head shots without getting blown to pieces.

        • #3569372

          @HOME in NJ

          by tomsal ·

          In reply to I’d Give My Left…..For Some Bandwidth

          Here in South NJ, which is right over the bridge from Comcast headquarters in Philly, they seem to be improving. They announced new services coming soon and that they are re-structuring since that whole Excite thing went down. They actually are promising that @home service will be “better than ever”, will greater speeds and more reliability. Sounds great, hope it turns out to be true.

          But as of yet I generally been averaging a ping of 100 on most UT servers, with 20-30 being the best and 300-350 being “HORRIBLE” for my cable modem (which when I test it with some software I use here at work, it rates up there with T1 dedicated speeds!).

          All I know is that when playing a 32 person UT game at 30ms, its like you are playing single playermode…gotta love that!

        • #3568264

          Also ok @home

          by tony derosa ·

          In reply to @HOME in NJ

          Have been with Comcast since my first P 90 (an original 90 with the floating point error) and did not lose service at all.

          It will be great if, going forward, Comcast is “better than ever”. But they probably won’t improve the quality of the customer service until DSL can really compete with the cable modem performance for price.

          I wish they would get some real engineers.

        • #3568760

          @home in WA

          by mrafrohead ·

          In reply to @HOME in NJ

          Be happy, those assholes at AT&T capped our download speeds and are still charging us full price.

          I now am on a network that appears to be acting faster, but the second I start to download a file, it’s capped off at 160K instead of my old peak of600K.

          Needless to say, I am looking into an alternative for @home. I feel raped with this whole matter and hope that AT&T goes out of business per their bullying tactics that they are using.

          Anyone that works with @home, why don’t you drop mea line, I’d love to further discuss my situation with you!!!!



        • #3549091

          From the Boondocks…

          by rawright ·

          In reply to @home in WA

          Geez, I feel lucky! Here in the middle of the godforsaken Mohave Desert I get 2Mbps bi-directional, unlimited access time, for $20/month…

          Maybe you could do the same as my ISP did – tired of the rotten local service, he built a microwave link to the nearest facility that could give him T1 lines to an Internet POP, then started his own service distributing wireless connections to the locals.

          Check into it -the equipment is getting a lot cheaper!

        • #3549048

          Must be nice!

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to From the Boondocks…

          Even if my ISP did that it wouldn’t help me at all.

          The copper in my neighborhood is so old (I’m full up Cat 5 in-house) the highest sustainable xfer rate I’ve seen is 17.7k, and even voice takes hits!

        • #3568250

          Bandwidth is good

          by tony derosa ·

          In reply to My users call me Satan….

          Like length, speed is overrated.
          Like girth, bandwidth is more important.

          If you don’t get it, then you probably don’t get it.

        • #3568184


          by tomsal ·

          In reply to Bandwidth is good

          Too funny man! 😉

    • #3569247

      Got Internet?

      by t bowman ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      Ah, but if you were as clever as I, you would have stated:
      “Yep, I got it. Al Gore invented it and then gave it to me.” 🙂
      I still think Al’s statement has to be the most idiotic statement of the – well, maybe of all time???

    • #3568321


      by mmcconne ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      I was in a meeting at work and we were meeting with another company about technology in use by them for Point Of Sale devices. The gentleman from the other company was explaining that they run their pos on 386 processors and that everything runs fine. After the man finished what he had to say one of our managers over the development team said in such a matter of fact way… Our systems run on 366 processors. The entire room went silent and a few people had to hold their laughter down. He did not understand that 386 was a much slower processor than a 366 processor

      386 66MHz Vs. Celeron 366Mhz

      Oh yea the 386 must be faster the number is higher than 366.


    • #3568311


      by dave4e2open ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      Year’s ago when I developed CICS green screen apps for municipal police departments, I was sent out to determine why this one HQ was reporting slow response problems.
      After I arrived and listened to the Police Chief’s compaints, I decided to be cute and point at a tangled web of coaxial cable behind the 3270 and said, “There’s the problem! The wire is kinked up”.
      I straightend out the wire and Chiefy said, “Hey, you could have called us and we could have fixed it ourselves”! Then he walked away satisfied.
      I would have gotten away with it except the desk Sgt. knew better and threw me in a cell for 30 minutes.

    • #3568280

      Getting back to AOL

      by johnm ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      We got a call from a secretary a few years ago that she had installed AOL on her computer and it wasn’t working. I got the call and told her “Nancy, you don’t have a modem on your computer.”

      And she said, “I looked at the hardware requirementsand it doesn’t say anything about a modem.”

      And, you know, it didn’t! So where do we assign stupidity in this case?

      • #3568201

        Not to the tech people, of course!

        by nicknielsen ·

        In reply to Getting back to AOL

        It must have been the girl/guy/team who designed the packaging.

        Besides, I’ve heard there are no tech people at AOL…

      • #3568187

        Just plug the phone in…..

        by workinonit! ·

        In reply to Getting back to AOL

        One of our IT students (we are a University) called and said that he didn’t have Internet access. When I arrived in his dorm room I found that he had installed AOL on his computer, knowing full well that we are on a network that provides Internet access. But he “wanted to use AOL instant messenger”. His solution was to disconnect the LAN cable and plug his telephone cable into the NIC.

        • #3568739

          So he’s CIO material

          by lordinfidel ·

          In reply to Just plug the phone in…..

          Or he can be a sales man.

        • #3568713

          CIO definitely….

          by tomsal ·

          In reply to So he’s CIO material

          that’s too SMART for a salesman. 😉

        • #3556787

          A bright future…

          by tony derosa ·

          In reply to CIO definitely….

          Someday that young man is going to break something really important!

        • #3549087

          Our Next CIO

          by rawright ·

          In reply to So he’s CIO material

          We had a manager that found a cable unplugged and helpfully located a jack to plug it into. Connected a hot Nortel Meridian telephone line to a C/CON-16 RS232 Conentrator is not recommended practice, as the two really don’t play nicely together. One $1,000 C/CON was toast the first time the phone rang. Guess who had to deal with the other 15 users on that box?

    • #3568258

      Common sense ain’t too common

      by tony derosa ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      I realize this discussion is about IT gaffs, but these people are probably stupid everywhere.
      For example:
      As I was standing in front of 111 Wall St. this morning, looking across at 110 and 120 Wall (clearly marked), a women came up to me and asked if this building was 120? Obviously, she didn’t realize odd addresses are on one side, even on the other. Or, she couldn’t read numbers.

      In my best New yorker attitude, I pointed across the street and said, “right there, the one marked 120”.
      It occured to me that she must have walked down from Broadway at 1 Wall all the way to the East river and never once noticed that odd numbers are on one side, even on the other.

      Can you imagine this oblivious women with a computer? A prime candidate to use her CDROM drive as a cup holder.
      (Remember that one… a classic!)

    • #3568204

      Eyes of the Beholder

      by cward ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      I’ve been called on the carpet recently because upper management “doesn’t understand why they need to pay for a network manager that does nothing all day but work on computers and do mysterious things in the server room”. I’ve also been asked why no one except IT staff is allowed to go into the server room and why it’s kept locked all the time. Needless to say, I’m at a bit of a loss as to how to overcome this perception issue.

      • #3568191

        Preemptive strike

        by johnm ·

        In reply to Eyes of the Beholder

        Take two week’s vacation, throw away your pager, and don’t leave a contact address. If there is anything left when you get back, you might have something to talk about with management. And circulate your resume while you gone – they might be OOB (out of business) when you return.

      • #3400823


        by stuart_at_oz ·

        In reply to Eyes of the Beholder

        You could try itemising a few of the things you do in a typical day (and explain what will happen if it’s not done….) – you should be able to list a couple of hundred essential tasks 😉

        if that doesn’t convince them, offer to go on holiday fora week/fortnight/month and see how many times they call you…. or what goes wrong. *SIGH* wishful thinking perhaps, but nice to dream about.

        [rewind to reality] – AAARRGGH


    • #3568754

      On the path of “You mean I need….”

      by lordinfidel ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      I read one of the posts about the person needing a modem and it jogged my memory of a tech call that I took.

      Ou company does a lot of webcasting. One day a call came thru the front desk and was routed thru to me.

      The man on the other end was quite upset because he was not able to listen to the webcast.

      I started to go thru some trouble shooting stuff with him. Like making sure that he has real player installed, asked him whether or not he can listen to other broadcasts.

      He told methat this is the first time he has tried and that he was at home using a dial-up. I then proceeded to test his sound. Going thru the control panel I had him test his sound and he said he could not hear anything.

      I then asked him to make sure his volume on his speakers were turned up and that they were plugged in.

      Well if we have’nt guessed at this point, the guy then said, “I need speakers to listen to the webcast?”.

      No sir you don’t, sound travels magically thru the soundcard into the air.

    • #3568460

      It’s Not Just The Users

      by sysad4u ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      After a lengthy email outage (several days), the first email in my in-box read something like this:

      “To: All Users
      From: Corporate IS Help-Desk
      The corporate email server is down and will be for an undetermined length of time. We will send another email when it is back on-line.”

      Amazingly, the second item in my in-box was an announcement that the email server was back up. Duh! Thank gawd I’m a project sysadmin and not associated with corporate IS…

      • #3549019

        Sent an email about the email being down

        by rzan ·

        In reply to It’s Not Just The Users

        Now where is the logic in this stament..I sent an email about the emnail being down now? The dumb blonde secretary sent an email about the email being down. I wonder if she would try to call her mother if the electricity were out in her office. Just goes to show you how retarted some people are in not understanding the basic logic behind how things work.

        • #3568985

          Another “classic”

          by ebob ·

          In reply to Sent an email about the email being down

          …has a user calling up about “my monitor is all black, I can’t see a thing on it.”

          The HD agent tries to get the user to trace the power and VGA cables, which of course run down behind the desk, and of course it’s a desk with one of those da** aprons at the back. But the use can’t see to trace the cables because it’s too dark. And the user won’t move the desk lamp over since it wouldn’t do any good because they’re in the midst of a power failure.


      • #3548941

        That’s a common one actually

        by tomsal ·

        In reply to It’s Not Just The Users

        That’s really not that much a case of “the stupids”…heck I’ll even send a message around similar to that.

        The only thing that’s “stupid” about what your Corporate IS did was put “The corporate email server *IS* down” – if they sent that after the fact that’s retarded.

        But I’ll send out a message to my users if I have to do maintenance on our server and say “The email server will be down at [such and such a time], I plan to have it back up by [such and such a time]”.

        If you don’t let the users know, believe it or not, they literally won’t bother testing the mail server so if I would never email them when its up again no one would send an email for God knows how long.

        (Oddly enough though when I tell them a database server goesdown they’ll try that once a second until its up again! Go figure!)

        • #3576653

          *IS* down

          by sysad4u ·

          In reply to That’s a common one actually


          That was the point, that they sent it after the fact and it was an unscheduled outage. I found out later that the email was sent by one of the help-desk folks trying to be “helpful”…of course, it sat in their out-box for several days until the server was back on-line.

    • #3549111

      Is there an Idiot in the House?

      by rawright ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      We use a long-obsolete OS for our retail ops; I have the pleasure of supporting it. I think they were trying to save RAM when they designed it, as it only recognizes 128 characters of the ASCII set – the capital ones. Any lowercase entry is ignored.

      I got a desperate call one day from a manager (and, incidentally, the one who taught me this system at first). Point-of-Sale was down. The first thing I asked was whether the Caps-lock was on. He assured me repeatedly that he’s not *that* dumb. I then spent 20 minutes going over all other usual steps with no luck.

      I dropped everything (restoring a corporate net crash for the Pres) to drive across town to investigate. One press of the Caps-lock key restored full operation, of course.

      I patiently explained to the manager that it was a random fault known as a SUE, but did not explain the meaning (Stupid User Event). I’m beginning to feel a lot of empathy for disgruntled postal workers… I get 5 to 20 such interruptions daily, and they never get one bit brighter!

      • #3549036

        Is that anything like…

        by nicknielsen ·

        In reply to Is there an Idiot in the House?

        …an id10t error?

        • #3568979

          or PEBKAC?

          by ebob ·

          In reply to Is that anything like…


          Of course, we’re all subject to that one. It seems no matter how much I spend on a keyboard, the da** just can’t spell worth a sh**!

        • #3556784

          Typos abound

          by tony derosa ·

          In reply to or PEBKAC?

          I keep wording my mixes and lixing my metters…

        • #3558928

          If you ever find one that can…

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to or PEBKAC?

          …please let me know!

          Just getting this post spelled properly took three edits and a proofread!

        • #3560064

          At Least You Checked!

          by rdschaefer ·

          In reply to If you ever find one that can…

          Not that I want to get flamed (again) but at least you took the time to check your spelling. Thanks!


        • #3545422

          Not a Problem

          by nicknielsen ·

          In reply to At Least You Checked!

          My first lesson as a teacher was to always blame the hardware!

    • #3549103

      My Idiot Boss….

      by jereg ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      Several years ago I was a technician working for perhaps the stupidest woman in the world. She had bee a secretary, took a basic programming class, moved to IT. When her boss quit, they made her Network Manager. As the department grew she decided to hire a supervisor for us clods. He was not a bad guy, but not too technical. One day she was standing by his desk and his new PC would not boot. He turned it off and on, but got the same error message and the PC locked up. She turned and called across the room to me to get the PC replaced under warranty right away. I looked over and could see the problem. I walked over, grabed the keyboard with both hands, muttered “hocus, pocus”, and rubbed the top of the monitor. Then I turned the PC backon and went to my desk. From where I sat, I could watch the PC boot up, and see the jaws of the NETWORK SUPERVISOR and NETWORK MANAGER hit the floor. She demanded to know what I had done. I never told these technical wizards what was wrong.
      It was simple though……
      In the clutter of the supervisors desk, an open book had flipped over so the cover was pressing down on the Esc key on the corner of his keyboard. That caused a keyboard error. Neither one of these overpaid morons could figure that out.
      Now I am a Network Manager, (hmmmmmmm).

    • #3549031

      And the worst part is:

      by nicknielsen ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      Each individual discussed in the posts above (let’s call him/her/it “Moe Ronn”) has done one or more of the following with respect to IT training:

      –Skipped it
      –Slept through it
      –Ignored it

      And then Moe Ronn walks up to you and says, “I keep going to you stupid classes. How come I don’t know amy more now than I did before?”

      Bang! Zoom! Straight to the moon!

      • #3549029


        by nicknielsen ·

        In reply to And the worst part is:

        Me? Never! …and it shows!

        Corrected: And then Moe Ronn walks up to you and says, “I keep going to your stupid classes. How come I don’t know any more now than I did before?”

    • #3568937

      My Data IS GONE!!! But….

      by rhizoned ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      But… everyone else can see it. 😛

      We use act in our sales department and one day this user was entering in data and could not find it again, then noticed that all the past records were missing. (This user thinks that computers hate him and they are out to get him 🙂

      I checked with another user using the DB and he could see all the past entry’s.

      Upon closer inspection i noticed that the option box “Show Records” was unchecked. At that point I turned to him and said


      Calm down, watch… click click


      Sometimes I wish I could just tell people what is wrong without having to see them get flushed in the face 😛

      • #3568843

        ACT + Users = Please kill me

        by lordinfidel ·

        In reply to My Data IS GONE!!! But….

        This user’s name was’nt richard by any chance.

        We have Act here (4 upgraded to 2K). When I first got here a couple of years ago, it was my job to figure out all of the DB issues for act.

        Let’s just say, I hate Act.

        Can we say Random Behavior Generator.

        Or maybe it’s just because the users manage it and always seem to mess something up.
        (Custom Layouts anyone?)

        • #3420219

          I feel your pain…

          by tomsal ·

          In reply to ACT + Users = Please kill me

          We have Act 2000. Mainly used by our sales team, with 2 people who really do know how to use it and 1 who kinda does and the rest are completely and utterly clueless beyond human comprehension.

          I feel your pain most definitely….

          (One user thinks its for printing calendars…nuff said)

        • #3420218

          I feel your pain…

          by tomsal ·

          In reply to ACT + Users = Please kill me

          We have Act 2000. Mainly used by our sales team, with 2 people who really do know how to use it and 1 who kinda does and the rest are completely and utterly clueless beyond human comprehension.

          I feel your pain most definitely….

          (One user thinks its for printing calendars…nuff said)

    • #3556767

      No, I will not fix your computer.

      by tony derosa ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      When Win 95 first came out, my sister (a well-educated high school bio teacher), decided she needed more room on her disk and systematically deleted all the .dll files.
      I asked her why would she go into the Windows directory and do something like that?
      Answer: SHE wasn’t using them. “Besides my dear brother could always fix it for me.”

      I bought her a zip drive for Xmas and taught her to save her data there. And told her to NEVER go into the windows directory again.
      The up side is she didn’t speak to me for a while.

      After several nightmarish run-ins with the her and other ‘friends’, I now advise them to buy their next PC from a retailer and take out a service contract.
      I also bought myself a t-shirt that simply says:
      “No, I will not fix your computer.”

      I don’t know if this was funny, but it sure was cathartic.

      • #3556746


        by lordinfidel ·

        In reply to No, I will not fix your computer.

        I opted for the; front back , i read your e-mail. and leave me alone or I will replace you with a small shell script shirts/bumper stickers.

        Deleting files; My mom. Not that she thought I would fix it for her. Just because she thought she knew what she was doing.

        My mom actually takes the all time record for breaking a machine. .5 hours.

        No sooner did I rebuild her machine, left her house and go back to my place. A telophone ring at 1 am mind you, to inform me that thesystem no longer worked.

        Guess what she did…. Deleted files, again!!!~!!!!!! Just cuz she thought it would help AOL run…

        Hey thanx mom….

    • #3556750

      Stupid interviewee

      by tony derosa ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      An young technician was being interviewed by an engineer in a manufacturing plant I worked at several years ago for an entry level position trouble-shooting discrete circuit boards.

      The interview included a little hands-on at the bench reading basic test equipment, including an oscilloscope. The engineer asked the candidate to place the probe on ground for a test, at which point he leans over the chair and literally puts the probe on the floor.

      He is probably the CTO at a major corporation now, reading this and making a mental note to never hire me.
      See, good things do come to those who wait!

    • #3558969

      Here’s One for You, LordInfidel :)

      by csbank1 ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      My best user and customer foibles do not come from being in IT, but from when I was a salesmaker for Radio Shack.

      At one point, I had a customer come into the store where I worked. She had her two-year-old son with her, and a Pentium 166 MHz IBM CPU. The computer would not read CD-ROM’s correctly, and the tray would not open.

      So, I set up the machine on the counter (just plugged in power, nothing else), and forced the tray open as gently as possible (didn’t damage the tray any more than it had already been damaged when it came in the store). When the tray opened, there were traces of pancake and maple syrup was dripping onto the counter.

      Her son loves pancakes, and he had filled the CD-ROM drive with pancakes coated in maple syrup. Needless to say, the machine was sent out for repair, and the boy was not very happy for some time after that (punishment, of course, from his mother).

      I just went into the store room after they left and had a good laugh about it, since it was rather funny that the boy had managed so much without her even noticing 🙂

      Most of my users don’t give me anything nearly as interesting, although they are inherently more frustrating. My job basically is the IT department for the bank where I am employed, and my dept. is not expanding. Hence, I am the system administrator, the Help Desk, the repair tech, the part-time trainer, etc. which tends to make life interesting, but I could not outmatch any of the stories that you have already heard inthis discussion, except with the above because it was more unique than your average “cup-holder” problem with CD-ROM drives 🙂


      • #3558921

        Don’t tell your users that story…

        by lordinfidel ·

        In reply to Here’s One for You, LordInfidel :)

        They will think that they are supposed to use the cup holder for food.

        We all know the cup holder was specially made to hold a can of Jolt.

        Not pancakes w/syrup.

        What was that kid thinking?

      • #3560062

        Keeping A Straignt Face

        by rdschaefer ·

        In reply to Here’s One for You, LordInfidel :)

        Speaking of Radio Shack…My Brother-in-law works there and has some great stories. My favorite (sorry, not a stupid customer) involves a very pretty young mother holding a baby – totally unaware that the child has pulled her top down and exposed abreast. My Brother-in-law had absolutely no idea what to do or say or where to look.


        • #3567887

          Quite the Surprise

          by csbank1 ·

          In reply to Keeping A Straignt Face

          That would definitely be a unique experience, but one that I have not thankfully had. I hope the situation turned out well for him, as well as the customer, although it is rather funny in retrospect, but at the time was fairly awkward, I would imagine 🙂


    • #3557018

      laser printers

      by dbgirl ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      One thing a company must be careful of is what they ship with their software. This goes back to when the FedEx shipping software was fairly new.

      For those of you unfamiliar with this program… The FedEx software was designed so that a company could print out labels to ship packages via FedEx, rather than write them out by hand. One of the requirements was a laser printer, so the label could be printed on plain paper.

      Of course, all of us know that the label must be attached to the package. To make this easier, FedEx decided to ship some plastic label pouches with their software. The instructions were very clearly written, and available in more than one place, that the labels were to be printed on plain paper.

      My job was telephone support, which provided many hours of entertaining stories. My favorite story involved the plastic label pouches. On two separate occasions, I had a user (different guy each time) call in to report that our program had ruined his expensive laser printer. He had tried to print directly to the plastic pouch, which resulted in plastic melting inside his printer. I can say I’m very glad I wasn’t the one who had to fix the printer.

    • #3575337

      No Power

      by chrisms ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      I think the best one I ever had was whilst working in a ‘reputable’ PC Superstore in the UK.
      A customer came in and wanted a laptop, he knew exactly what he wanted, specs and all, money was no problem, so we had no trouble selling him a top of the range toshiba.
      2 days later he returned with it in hand, walked to the customer care desk and asked for a replacement as his one wasn’t working. Our policy was always to check what the customer was saying, so I promptly got out the laptop, power cable and plugged in the power cable. At this point he stopped me and asked what I was doing. Bemused, I replied “Plugging it in sir, why?” to which he replied “No one told me you had to do that.”
      Obviously, confusion has now set in, and the look on my face nust have said it all because he told me he bought it because it was battery operated, but the battery was flat. I startd to explain that the battery was charged from the mains, to which he replied “Oh, I live on a farm and I only have a small generator to power my house.” In the end we had to refund him the computer, but it is now a major point with the sales advisors that it must be made absolutley clear that the batteries require mains power to recharge.

      • #3575298

        Date Dec 29, 2001 WindowsXP users group

        by cgi¤001 ·

        In reply to No Power

        Q: This seems to be a very wierd problem with XP. When I first started using XP I connected my Nikon Coolpix 775 via USB cable and the photo wizard would launch and give me options. Now this does not happen for some reason. The icon for USB disconnect appears on the task bar, however if i want to see the pictures I have to go to my computer and click on drive that is recognized. I tryed to go to properties and do the autorun thing but this does not seem to do anything, also drivers are updatedand no problems are reported with the USB. Please help, Thank you
        A: Check the “properties” of the Nikon and also check the properties of the USB port.
        If you cant find any problem there, try to get an updated driver.
        Reply :
        no… acording to the microsoft website this is a plug and play device. When I first started using xp all I had to do was plug it in and the wizard would take over. Now when I plug it in the safely remove hardware icon is in the task bar, but I have to go to my computer to click on the removeable drive to see pictures.
        Reply back: When Plug and Play was introduced with w95, we called it Plug and Pray. Alot has been improved over the years, but as you noticed sometimes things goes wrong, or not the way you expect.Too often M$ see that things do not goes the way it should go or the way they expected. Thats the reason why M$ constantly produces patches… I only gave advice, what you might do, and what might solve the problem. If you say no, fine by me.
        Reply: Well!!!…next time maybe I should ask you a question that you might have the answer to, like do you know where the any key is? thanks for the help, consider me a non member
        Reply back: Check out microsoft website. Answer is there, geez. Any other dumb question?
        Check it out:

    • #3427161

      The Desktop; a Magical place

      by jason.p.barto ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      I know there’s more. I’ve worked enough tech support to know all the pitfalls and missed points in ‘Computers for Dummies’. There’s better stories than this but this is the only one I can recall at the moment.

      I was working for a University, and had gotten a report from a professor who was having trouble using their machine. I went to check it out and it turned out the quantum fireball harddrive had actually managed to scratch its disks. So needless to say the HD was gone. The professorasked me what was wrong with his machine and I told him that “the hard drive, the C drive is ruined. I will have to install a new drive and rebuild your machine.” He then said that he didn’t care what happened to the hard drive, just don’t touch the desktop, I kept all my files on there.

    • #3443884


      by operatorx ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      Whenever people ask me what I do for a living I just tell them I work with computers. If you tell them any more than that they just look confused. Or they start asking for free technical advice. Or they start trying to use technical words that they just heard on CNBC or Tech TV to keep the conversation going. I guess its kinda fun to watch them search for a word….. Oh yeah, what do you guys call it ummmmmmmmmm…… oh yeah, meglobytes… I need more of them. LOL..

    • #3445111

      This beats it all

      by garion11 ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      I work for a small software company doing help desk/support with some onsites setups. Another tech went to do an onsite one day for one of our customers and when he came back told me the funniest thing I have ever heard.

      He asked this lady to right click on the desktop and lol 🙂 she wrote “click” on top of the desk.

      I still can’t stop laughing.

      • #3444718


        by cul8rm8e ·

        In reply to This beats it all

        im laughing my head off with you Muhahahahahaa

    • #3445021

      Funny tech support calls

      by techiwoman ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      While I was working at a Microsoft help desk, I got some really funny calls. The one that I remember so vividly was a woman who called to say that her foot pedal didn’t work. She was a machine quilter and thought that her mouse was a foot pedal. She was so serious about it, it was all I could do not to laugh.

    • #3445020

      Funny tech support calls

      by techiwoman ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      While I was working at a Microsoft help desk, I got some really funny calls. The one that I remember so vividly was a woman who called to say that her foot pedal didn’t work. She was a machine quilter and thought that her mouse was a foot pedal. She was so serious about it, it was all I could do not to laugh.

    • #3444965

      Fibs I like to tell

      by kiwimagic ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      Everything in the digital computer is one’s and zero’s. So there’s one’s and zeros written on the hard disk, and the floppy. But you cant see them, because there isn’t magnetic light.

      If you have a microscope, you can see the 1’s and 0’s on a CD, in Courier New (developed for the CD ;-). ) because a fixed pitch data stream was required for first generation CD’s.

      Can’t put x2 or x8 CD-ROM, into higher spec CD-ROM drives. The data starts to slide to the edge.

      If you write all 1’s to one side of a floppy, and 0’s on the other, it’s a flat magnet. You can stack them for more magnetic power.

      Some are smart enough to know it’s fulse, and other are good entertainment.

    • #3443510

      The Computer ate my floppies

      by ayoshi ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      About ten years ago, I was working for a major corporation when the call came in from a lady about how her computer kept eating her floppy disks (the old 5.25″). This was so intriguing a call that I went personally to check it out.

      Obviously, wecouldn’t find anything wrong, but mysteriously, we also couldn’t find her floppies. So we showed her how to transfer files via the network, and figured that was it.

      Well, about six months later, her floppy drives died. She still used floppies, even though her computer sometimes “ate” them.

      When we went to replace the floppy drives, what did we find? Sure enough, we found about a dozen floppies that she had forced into the little space between the floppy drives. I guess that she was “feeding floppies to the computer gods” 🙂

    • #3444726

      the ultimate

      by cul8rm8e ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      i had a guy come into my store last week, well it goes like this.

      me: what can i do for you sir?

      him: i want to buy an internet

      sorry ppl,cant stop laughing here……………..

    • #3659482

      Great comment

      by zlitocook ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      From a user. I was switching out a bad monitor after I was done. A user asked how I put all thier stuff meaning the information on the hard drive back back so quick. I just looked at her and relised all the other users four or five were waiting for a answer. I just clenched my jaw and said it was easy. I left fast and laughed all the way to my office after I was away from thier hearing.

    • #3503880

      Reply To: Lookin for idiots.

      by ron.miller ·

      In reply to Lookin for idiots.

      A true story.
      In ’91 I was doing development work on a telemarketing project. The telemarketing trainer was (I thought) fairly PC savvy. One day I hear that she needs help so I go over to offer my assistance. I see her with a screwdriver at fiddling with the diskette drive. Whats up? Well, I just got a new version of dbase (Addison-Tate I think) and the diskette is stuck. So I catch the caught diskette way back in the drive. It feels strange. And I managed to pull it out. Its a 5 1/4 thats been cut. I aks what the heck it is and I was told that the software came on the big disketts and she only had a small diskette drive in her PC. So she cut the diskette to make it fit. I almost fell over laughing. I think the software was around $600.00back then and money was tight. I called Addison-Tate and got a tech support guy. There was no way I was getting a replacement copy. But after telling him the and hearing the laughter as he told everyone that was around him, he gladly sent me anothercopy. His words were “You just couldn’t have made that up”.

      • #3486911

        Can you beat this one?

        by blue.sun ·

        In reply to Reply To: Lookin for idiots.

        VP of accounting calls at midmorning,she lost a file she placed on her desktop this very morning and can I restore it from backup.I say no ,backups run nightly.She says they run nightly for everybody else but she requested a specialcontinuous backup(??). She demostrates,saves a file to her i drive and presto!it has been backed up to the network and everybody in dept. can see it .You guessed it,i drive is a shared network folder.When I left ,VP of IS was trying to explain her why backing up herprecious data very second was not feasible or even desirable.

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